Rain pounded on the ground, the skies weeping. Remus allowed himself to believe the skies were mourning with him, that they too felt his pain. He knew that it wasn’t true, the sky felt no sympathy for him, for the loneliness that would now consume him. He wanted to believe, but what good would believing do, it hadn’t done him any good thus far. It did not save them, it would not save him.
The halls were quiet, silent, empty- they tiptoe through the dark grasping at each other’s hands. This was a horrible idea. Remus knew this, but still, he would do anything for just one minute alone with him. Love had always been such a foreign concept to him, he grew up believing that nobody would ever want to be his friend let alone become something even resembling more than a friend.
Azkaban was cold, the hallways were empty, and nobody strode through these walls, not with the same timid steps that he took. This was a bad idea. Remus Lupin knew this, yet he could not bring himself to stay away. Sirius Black had murdered the people he considered family, his friend and he hated that no matter what he did he couldn’t bring himself to stop loving this man.
He knew it was wrong, the way he still wanted to hold him, how he longed for the comfort that his arms would bring. Remus Lupin loves Sirius Black, his one fatal flaw. Tonight, the full moon would rise, and he would once again change forms the way he had done for years, the thing is, this time he would be alone. He had done it that way for a time, but they- his friends, no family- had allowed him to no longer fear the wolf, they made sure that he wouldn’t hurt anyone but being alone would mean that he wasn’t in control. He would be at the mercy of the monster.
He should be celebrating- that’s what they told him, but how could he be happy that the war was over, he had to pay the price for everyone’s freedom. He alone would be bearing the burden that allowed these people to dance in the street, screaming, laughing, and living.
He had never felt so young, so alive. They ran down the hall- McGonagall on their heels. Stink bombs in the Slytherin common room was genius- he loved the thrill of the hunt, the way they would sprint from the one who desperately wanted to kill them.
Sirius was huddled in a corner of his cell, rocking back and forth.
Remus wanted to scream. What right did he have? How dare he be upset? He wasn’t allowed to mourn; this was his fault. When Remus cleared his throat, Sirius’ eyes shot up to meet his, he looked relieved to see him. He shouldn’t be. Remus did not soften his gaze but rather he kept his eyes as cold as he could. Mustering the strength from some hidden place that he didn’t know was even there.
Sirius stumbled to get to his feet, “Remus, thank the gods that it’s you. You must believe me, I’m innocent!” His cry seemed so desperate, but Remus was no fool. It all made sense now, this was his plan, why else would a member from the most noble house of Black have been so interested in him.
He was a freak, a monster- no one would ever truly love him, and he was a fool for believing that Sirius would. “Just shut up,” the words were a whisper, but they screamed the things that he was unable to.
“Why Sirius, why did you it?” Sirius looked appalled.
“Moony, you don’t truly believe that I did it, do you?” he had a look of betrayal etched onto his face, in a moment of fury Remus swung at the bars between them. He wasn’t allowed to look at him as if he had been the one who sold out their friends, who got them killed. He was loyal, he was there.
He did everything that he was meant to and yet it was all in vain. It meant nothing. They still died, and Harry was alone, he was alone, not even allowed to house his godson because of his ties with a murderer. Sirius had taken everything from him, and he wanted to look betrayed.
“I gave you everything Sirius and you promised me the world, you are a liar.” Sirius took a step forward, but Remus took a step back, he knew that if Sirius would touch him his resolve would crumble.
Sirius looked hurt- shaking his head, “I never lied to you Moony, I love you.”
Remus shook his head, taking another step back, “Someone who loves me, wouldn’t take everything from me, I once was blind, but now I see, you only ever meant to hurt me. I trusted you, I was a fool, but no, longer will I fall victim to my own mind. I am done with you Sirius Black; I hope you rot here.”
The words were harsh, nothing that he didn’t deserve, Remus knew that this was the end. He was relieved. As he walked down the hall, he could hear Sirius screaming, demanding that he come back. He did not.
He didn’t even hesitate, his steps not faltering for even a moment. He would not fall prey to Sirius’ torment once again. As he passes the wizard at the front desk, the man nods to him, “Happy Christmas Mr. Lupin.” Remus only nods to him in reply. Outside his steps waver for a moment, delaying the inevitable, when he returned home, he would be alone once more, and Remus Lupin was not sure that he would make it.
So, this is Christmas, what had he done?