A Christmas Fight
Remus would say that he is a very practical person. It’s not his favourite trait about him, even Fenrir has mentioned him being a bit stuck in his ways, but he has accepted it at least. He probably has it from his father which is why that one doesn’t notice it at all. He would also call himself very reasonable. So, he shouldn’t be this irritated at every move Sirius is currently making, but he is very, very irritated.
“Be quiet!”, Sirius hisses as his head peaks around the corner before his body follows, a hand lazily waving at the three of them to follow. Remus bites on his tongue to keep the remark that they all were being perfectly quiet in his head.
Remus isn’t sure why Sirius took the lead this time, normally they make the decision together, but tonight he just took charge. Maybe he shouldn’t be this irritated by that, it was Sirius’ idea to enchant the Christmas tree’s decorations after all, but it still irks him. Because Sirius is doing it and Sirius is irritating Remus as already established.
The others don’t seem to care, they follow him blindly, shoulders tense, fingers shaky, but through the roof from the excitement sparking through them.
Remus should feel that way too, but he doesn’t, he’s annoyed, he didn’t want to do this stupid prank anyway, it’s nothing big, Dumbledore will just undo it as soon as the decoration start singing, it’s quite useless and he would have said so, if James hadn’t shot him one of those pointed glares and effectively shut him up when Sirius barged in talking about the next great prank.
And it’s all just because Sirius got a howler. Not even a super vulgar or harsh one, it truly didn’t seem like that big of a deal. Remus has gotten Howlers before, but he doesn’t make a big deal out of them, Sirius always does, he either panics and pretends as if a howler equals a beating or laughs them off, it’s so confusing. And everything that confuses Remus annoys him. So, Remus is annoyed.
“Remus!”, he snaps out of his thoughts at James’ voice and sighs before finally following them as well.
They are close to the Great Hall now, just one more hallway, he’s falling a bit behind, far enough to miss the quiet conversation between his friends and it’s quiet enough to fall into thought again.
But it’s hard to think about anything other than the anger that is seeping through his body. He doesn’t want to be here, maybe he should’ve just said that and ignored James’ glare then he would have avoided this stupid, stupid trip, he’ll know next time.
Sirius’ hair is held together by his wand at the back of his head and Remus hates it because he knows that he could just use a hair tie, he knows this because Mary gave him some for his birthday, right before she kissed him and he kissed her back and everyone whistled and Sirius just laughed insisting that they are nothing more than friends, but Remus and Sirius are friends and they don’t do that, so it really doesn’t seem fair.
Wait.
He stops that was a weird way of wording, he scoffs, falling back in line with the others, abandoning that memory and listening to the quiet whispers.
“I can’t wait to see everyone’s faces”, Peter says, almost stumbling over his feet, trying to keep up with the other’s pace.
“It’s going to be great”, Sirius answers before stopping abruptly, “There it is”, he points to the grand door as if they’ve never seen it before, like a sailor finding land.
“Yes, we all have eyes”, Remus scoffs, unable to filter himself, James doesn’t have the time to send him a look, Sirius does it first, glaring at him before shaking his head and turning away.
“Okay, let’s go”, James says and gently pushes Sirius forward.
They slip through the door, Sirius wand gently glowing and sending big shadows over the decorated walls, as soon as the door falls shut behind Remus, Sirius turns to the three of them, smirk playing over his face.
“Okay, you all know what to do, Peter make sure no one’s coming”, he tosses the map at him carelessly, before redirecting his attention”, James you start with the Slytherin table, I’ll try and work on the sky”, he points to the ceiling and already turns away when she speaks up again, “Remus, you do the tree.”
Remus roll his eyes but starts walking towards the end of the hall.
“Remember, the elves will come soon to deck for breakfast, we have to be fast”, James says before also walking away.
Remus goes to grab his wand from the pocket, but it’s not there.
Shit.
Almost pathetically, he reaches into every pocket, even his shoes, this truly should not happen tonight, it would be bad every night, but this one is something special, he’s aware of that. Tonight, Sirius is on edge and waiting to blow up and this would be the perfect opportunity to do that.
He knows this because it has happened before, this is how it always is when Sirius is in a bad mood, or Remus for that matter, but he pushes that thought away.
His eyes fall shut, he’s still walking, still hoping for an epiphany to strike him, still waiting for his wand to magically appear in his wand, maybe he should also tie his hair up with his wand like Sirius does, this wouldn’t have happened then. He stops walking, patting his body down one more time before he sighs and turns.
Everyone else is already working, Peter staring onto the map with a firm look, James mouthing spells, Sirius softly whispering spell after spell to get the ceiling to change and huffing every time it doesn’t react, he already looks mad, if Remus speaks now, he will be blamed.
He turns back to the tree, biting on his lip, trying to find a different solution to this, maybe this is his opportunity to try wandless magic, maybe this was a sign from that God Alice keep blabbing about. He squints, trying to channel something in his body, he even closes his eyes and sends a prayer into the sky.
One. Two. Three.
He opens his eyes but, of course, nothing happens, he grimaces, accepting his fate, turning to James in utter defeat.
“James!”, he whisper-screams into the air, but there’s no reaction from the boy, “JAMES”, he tries again, louder this time, still nothing from James. But somehow Sirius heard him from the other side of the hall, he turns to Remus, hands raised in a question.
Remus ignores him, too embarrassed to react and repeats the name again even more desperate.
“REMUS”, Sirius calls out, “What part of quiet do you not understand?!”
Remus’ hands drive through his hair before focusing on Sirius, stalking over to him. He stops a few steps away from Remus and raises his eyebrows, then glances to the tree and back to him, eyebrows flying even higher, “You haven’t started?”
He looks to the side, “Iforgotmywand”, he mutters, swallowing entire syllables.
“What?”
“I forgot…my wand”, he repeats, quieter but clearer.
Sirius scoffs, “I understood you the first time.”
“You did?”, genuinely surprised he looks up, finding Sirius’ eyes whose anger drains away for second, replaced by something else.
“Yes”, he pauses, frowning before speaking up again, all the anger coming back, “YOU FORGOT YOUR WAND?”
“Yes”, he confirms.
“HOW… Why, I mean… NO, what”, he stutters, genuinely baffled by this, stopping again, taking a big breath, “Did you do this just because you don’t like this prank?”
“What, no! I just forgot”, Remus is getting defensive.
“What’s going on guys?”, James asks, appearing next to Sirius with a big grin on his face.
“Well, apparently, Remus doesn’t care about any of this because he didn’t think about bringing his WAND!”
James pauses glancing between the two of them, smile slowly fading, before settling on Remus, “Wait, did you actually forget?”
Remus nods.
“How do you forget a wand?”, he muses, and Remus only shrugs helplessly, James begins smiling again.
Remus can’t help but follow, but that’s just James’ effect on everyone, he makes you feel warm, comfortable, and most importantly safe. From the first moment he saw him, little eleven-year-old Remus had felt safe and forgotten his fear of leaving his home behind until Christmas, because with just one soft smile he had hung up a sign that James is home too. And over the years Remus has learned a lot, but most importantly he has learned; James Potter is something so close to perfection that sometimes you don’t notice that he isn’t. He is truly good.
“Why aren’t you angry about this”, Sirius huffs, turning to James, “the prank will suck now”, he falls together, shoulders slumping, anger leaving and immediately James’ expression changes into concern, he takes a step closer, placing a soothing hand on Sirius’ shoulder, speaking with a calm, and collected voice.
“It will be fine, Sirius. We can just ask Peter to do it or whoever finishes up first between us will do it. It’s all good, I promise. Remus just forgot, no ill intend, just a simple mistake.”
“Okay, yeah, yeah, that makes sense”, he shakes his head before turning away again, “PETER, come here!”
“WHAT? But the…”, he points to the door.
“JUST COME!”, so Peter does exactly that, padding over to them.
“What?”
“You have to take over Remus’ part, because our genius here”, he gestures to him with an eyeroll, “forgot his wand.”
And any other day, he would have simply let the snide remark slide, accepted that Sirius was having a bad day and moved on, but Remus was having a bad day as well and just didn’t feel like it this time. Especially because Sirius’ hair was falling into his face and that was so impractical and that wouldn’t have happened if he would have simply used one of those stupid hair ties that Mary gave him.
“God, you’re such a wanker, Sirius”, he groans.
“I’m only telling our Peter here what happened, or did it get it wrong and that was not what happened?” his entire focus is on him now, eyes hot and angry.
“No, but- “
“Exactly, so if I’m not lying than why don’t you just keep your mouth shut and make yourself useful?”, it’s so condescending and mean, it brings him right back to another voice looming over him, it brings up more memories and for Remus memories mean anger.
“Make myself useful ”, he repeats, eyebrows shooting up, small cold laugh escaping out of his mouth before he can stop it, “Why don’t you-?”
“Hey”, Peter begins, cutting off Remus again and it further fuels the fire lit in him.
“Why is everyone always interrupting me?!”, he blurts out, doing the exact same to Peter, but not even caring.
“Oh, I think we both know the answer to that”, Remus’ mouth falls open, head tilting to the side.
“Why are you being so nasty, Sirius?”, he asks, voice loud and rough.
“Hey, we have-”, Peter tries again, but nobody is listening.
“Why are you being so stupid, Remus ?”
Remus scoffs about to speak up again, but this time Peter screams, “HELLO, both of you, McGonagall is coming!”
James is the first to break the stunned silence that follows, “What?”
“Yes, she’s on her way, right now, we have…”, at that moment the door bursts open and a very terrifying figure steps into the hall.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The four of them are back in their dorm, all quietly sitting on their bed, nobody daring to speak just yet. Sirius keeps sending Remus glares which he returns gladly while James and Peter have to sit there and share looks of concern, because James knows that the two of them are going to blow up. It’s really only a matter of time.
The professor actually let them off quite fast, postponing the consequences until tomorrow and sending them off to bed but that obviously did nothing to lighten the mood.
“Are you not even going to apologise”, Sirius forces out and James wants to walk over there and muzzle his mouth because this was the single worst thing to say, it scratches directly on Remus’ pride which he as very serious problems with.
“Why would I do that?”
“Because it’s your fault?”
“MY FAULT? How is any of this my fault?”, James’ bed is between theirs, so his head has to snap between them like a ping-pong ball, he sighs, listening to Sirius gasp. He is so tired.
“HOW? Are you really asking me that right now?!”, he laughs, James despises when he does that or anyone does that really, but Sirius is the best at it, it’s always so fake and cold, it’s everything a laugh isn’t supposed to be.
“Yeah”, Remus nods, “You need me to repeat it? How …”
James can see Sirius almost blowing up and finally he interwinds, ignoring his mother’s advice to let fights play out first, “Hey, hey, hey, stop, both you, you’re being childish!”
They don’t even bother to glance at him even though it would only take one small look to the bed between them, but instead they both answer in perfect sync, looked in their angry stare, “STAY OUT OF IT, JAMES!”, because that’s the thing, even when they are furious with each other the connection they share is still there, is still forcing them to feel each other. In a way it’s almost unfair, it only seems to wind them up more.
Peter once described it as a tiny thread tying them together, letting emotions that the one feels travel over to the other, letting them communicate without talking in a way that not even Sirius and James manage to, of course, the both of them never notice that.
Remus continues, voice dangerously low, “I wasn’t done repeating it for you: How. Is. Any. Of. This. My Fault?!”
“You forgot your fucking wand!”
“So, because I accidentally forgot my wand, the professor caught us? How does that make any sense?”
“Peter had to leave his spot to cover for your arse!”, Sirius hand swing through the air as if that makes his point better.
“YOU CALLED HIM THERE!”
It’s almost funny how both of them don’t even think about blaming Peter or James, or dividing the guilt, because neither care about being right they just want the other person to be at fault.
“Because you forgot your wand!”, they are really just running in circles now, they always end up doing that, the problem is that they never notice they are and could continue this for hours, James sighs.
“I don’t think we are getting anywhere”, he tries and this time they actually redirect their attention on him but only for a second and only to send him deathly glares and James promptly shuts up.
He decides that he’ll just let them fight, it’s not as if this is really hurting them. In fact, James would almost call it a casual fight and a casual fight is not worth him screaming when he’s this tired.
“Why are you even making this such a big deal, Sirius? Huh? It’s not like we haven’t been caught before”, he pauses, scanning over Sirius’ face, “You’re just searching for an excuse to be mad at me, aren’t you? Just like you always have and always will!”
Sirius’ expression turns very sour before flipping into angry again, “I hardly have to search!”
Remus only scoffs falling back onto his bed, looking up at the ceiling.
“And for who it may concern, I’m angry because I have to go home and my mother is going to … be angry ”, there’s a funny stressing on the word angry, like it hurt him to grit that word out, James tenses, feeling the casual fight quickly transforming.
Remus still isn’t looking at Sirius when he responds, “Oh boohoo, so your mum’s a little mad”, his hands pinch his nose, “God, didn’t take you for such a whimp”, he doesn’t sound angry anymore, just a little tired, a tiny shred of hope rushes in James’ body.
“ OH “, James has badly misread this situation, “I’M the whimp? I’m what cowardice?”
James watches Remus sit up again, raising his eyebrows, “You said it, not me.”
No, actually you did say it which is so fucking ironic considering that until we took you under our wing, you were a weak, little nobody with no friends, no bravery, or skills. Nobody even liked you!” he pauses letting the words sink in, before applying the final blow, “We made you, Remus.”
Oh no.
This fight has snowballed into something horrible and cruel, both of them just grasping at any chance to drive the knife deeper than the other had done to them. How did he miss this, he opens his mouth, but Remus is quicker.
“You didn’t make anything! I’m not your pet project”, his voice is shrill and a tad weaker, Sirius should hear it, should stop, should know that this has gone too far, but he isn’t even listening. James closes his eyes for a second, pretending he’s somewhere else.
“Really, it’s sort of ironic that you were even sorted into Gryffindor.”
Remus eyebrows shoot up and James knows that he has just tasted blood, he has found his opportunity and he’s going to feast on it: “Are you, Sirius Black, heir of the literal Black family legacy, trying to talk about who got sorted into the wrong house? Because we both know that the only person who doesn’t belong here is you.”
James grimaces, shocked at how easily both of them have weaponized each other’s biggest hurt. Sirius gets up very suddenly, running towards Remus and James kicks into action, swooping between them and seizing him by the arm and holding him exactly there.
Remus gasps but instead of going back in with words he also takes starts walking towards Sirius, this time James screams at the same time as Peter weakly grabs onto Remus’ arm.
“NO!”, James starts, “Both of you, STOP! Stay back, Remus”, Remus stops, eyes widening when he realises what he just tried, Sirius is still trying to wiggle his way out of James’ grip, “Sirius, stop trying to escape for Merlin’s sake”, he also falters at the words, “You are acting like wild dogs, both of you. You’ll go into your stupid beds now and not talk to ANYONE until morning”, he says releasing Sirius and nodding at Peter to do the same.
“But…”, on of them tries, James slips into his bed, draws close the curtains with his wand while answering, “I. Do. Not. Care.”
And then because he’s not a monster, “Good night.”
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Sirius is not a murderer, furthest thing from it actually, he likes to think that he breathes life into people, but, God, would he like to kill Remus Lupin right now.
He is lying in his bed, fuming, but not daring to speak a word after James’ speech.
He would only have to get close to Remus, wrap his hands around the other’s neck, feel his breath mingle with his, Remus’ hand on his waist, body falling against him as he grows weaker, last whispered into his ears, lips full and soft against his skin… Wait.
Sirius blinks.
Anger really makes you think weirdly, he decides, completely pushing that away and focusing back on the red anger. It’s so vibrant and bright that it doesn’t leave space for his spilled blood to shine through and it hides the hurt that Remus’ words left.
It’s kind of perfect really.
His fury pushes away the stabbing pain in his abdomen form how easy Remus had yielded the perfect weapon and used it without a second thought. It buries the guilt for doing the exact same to him deep down and leaves him without regret for his recklessness or at least lets him pretend that he can’t feel the guilt eating away at him, replaying his words over and over again.
But that’s how it always seems to be with them: Unstoppable, reckless and all in.
The tears that slip out of his eyes that night are blamed on the anger and fear of his mother’s reaction instead of Remus. It was just a stupid fight with one of his mates, it shouldn’t cut this deep, so he pretends it didn’t.
Instead of thinking about Remus’ turning all wrong and angry, he thinks about the punches he will receive for pulling another prank and how he had almost shouted it out during that fight, how close he was to admitting his darkest secret, but he controlled himself somehow, saved himself from seeing their disapproving glances as soon as they realize that he can’t defend or his brother at home.
He takes a big breath reminding himself that that didn’t happen, that they still look at him the same they always have, but he still doesn’t sleep a lot that night.
--
Remus and Sirius don’t reconcile before their Christmas holiday even after McGonagall informs them that she will not tell their parents in the name of Christmas, James and Peter try their best to get them to talk again, but they refuse.
Sirius is fine with that; he will just sell the gift he got for him or burn it or something. It’s all fine., perfectly fine.
So, he finds himself in the train department, riding home, with just James and Peter, Remus riding with the girls and only saying goodbye to James and Peter for leaving, that was fine too.
It’s all fine.
“Maybe you should just talk to him”, Peter is saying, “I mean if you apologised maybe he would too, right?”
Sirius pretends that he isn’t listening, staring out of the window, and watching the snow-covered trees pass him by, already anticipating seeing them again when the holidays are over.
“Pete”, James cuts in gently, “Just let it be.”
Peter sighs but doesn’t bring it up again and James starts talking again, “So, what are you doing for the holidays? You’re only 15 at Christmas once.”
“Probably nothing, I mean we don’t have plans to travel, we’re still saving up for the Summer, but they promised me a signed snitch as a gift”, his voice gets higher when he talks about something that excites him and right now his voice is three octaves higher than Remus could ever reach.
“That’s good”, James starts”, we wanted to visit my grandparents, but they decided to travel to India and visit distant relatives or something, so I’m stuck here too, but hey that means you can come over.”
“Is your mum making her Christmas samosas again?”, his voice is still high, but this time Sirius can’t blame him, anything that James’ mother cooks is a masterpiece.
“Yeah, but I still don’t understand why she calls him that. There’s nothing different about them”, Sirius feels the exact moment that James turns to him,” Can you visit this time, or are you traveling again?”
Sirius takes a big breath, bracing himself for the lie, “Yeah, visiting family, probably won’t even call because we are moving around every day, sorry. But I’ll write, I promise”, he rushes out, still keeping his gaze on the window.
“That’s too bad, but at least you’ll see Andie, right?”, Peter tries, noticing his low excitement about it.
“Yeah”, he starts, turning to them, “But I’ll see all the others as well which…” he shudders dramatically, “just end me there, will you?”, he jokes.
“But what would we do without you, Sirius? Light of my life? Reason for my breaths?”, James joins in, “If you leave, I’m afraid that I would never recover!”, he gasps, throwing himself back into his seat.
“Oh, my James, dear, I would never leave, for to leave you, I would have to leave myself behind!”, he cries out throwing himself at James’ feet.
“Why don’t you just get married?”, Peter asks, throwing a two nuts at their head before turning away.
James gasps again, “Do you hear that? He has given us his blessing!”
Peter groans, Sirius laughs soon joined by James.
After that the tension is broken and the rest of the train ride passes with mindless chatter and little quips, but all the light leaves his face as soon as the other two leave and he walks towards his mother standing next to his father with a grave look on her face, Regulus not there yet.