the casting
James is back in his happy place this morning. It is 5 AM and he is on the ice, repeating drills over and over again. Although many people would find 2 hours worth of the same movements boring, the practice soothes James. With each slice of his blades on the ice, James feels himself improving. The NHL is one step closer. He hopes to play in America, specifically for the Boston Bruins. He’s only been to the city once with his parents when he was really little, but he remembers sitting front row at one of the Bruins games and being hypnotized by players. Their graceful yet violent moves made James incapable of tearing his eyes away from the game.
However, James has also been finding himself taking spare moments to stretch his splits, work on his port de bras, and even spin while on the ice. Although he would never have imagined it, James has come to extremely enjoy each ballet class. Sure, it’s hard work. Just as hard—if not harder—than hockey. But his teachers have been nurturing and helpful—aside from that one day where Regulus decided to poke and prod him for an hour—and James loves that he can emote while moving. In hockey, many things are brutish and forceful. If he wants the puck to go into the goal, he’s going to have to slam into people to get it there. But with ballet, he is free to… fly. If he wants to be happy, he can be light, airy, and smiley. If he wants to be sad, he pouts. Acting is never something James thought he would be interested in, but as it turns out, it is one of his favorite parts about ballet.
So enamored with this new ballet thing, a new part of his routine has become stopping by the ballet studios before showering in his dorm. Ever since auditions, James has discovered himself anxious to know which role he will play. He hopes he at least has a named character, but he understands if he is simply “Rock Number 1”. He will be angry though, if he’s something like, “Rock Number 4,” because, truly, how can three other people be better at curling up in a ball on the ground than him?
In all truth, James has no idea what people are cast for in ballets. Do they have people playing rocks, or would they justget physical rocks as props? He thought dancers were only cast as humans until he overheard Barty and Evan—two of Regulus’ friends—joking about how one of them was cast as a tree the year prior.
It has been one week since auditions, and every day since, James has found no cast list posted. He does, however, findhimself wandering into empty studios after checking the bulletin board each morning. He likes working on the moves he learns in each class, even though he has no idea what he is doing. This time, however, when James waltzes into the building, a single white sheet hangs from the board.
“This is it,” James whispers to no one but himself. His heart begins racing as he approaches it.
It reads:
OTHELLO CASTING:
Othello: Regulus Black/Sirius Black
Iago: Severus Snape/Corban Yaxley
Cassio: James Potter/Evan Rosier
Desdemona: Pandora Fontayne/Marlene McKinnon
Roderigo: Remus Lupin/Barty Crouch Jr.
Emilia: Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes
*ALL CORPS DE BALLET ROLES WILL BE ANNOUNCED IN COMING REHEARSALS*
At first, James doesn’t quite believe his eyes. He is going to be in this production, with a big role! Well, maybe a big role. James doesn’t know anything about Othello; damn his inability to pay attention in any English class ever. Grinning from ear to ear, James races to tell his friends about the casting before stopping dead in his tracks.
He slowly walks backward, receding towards the board. What he hopes was a trick of his eyes,
isn’t. Regulus and Sirius are cast in the same role. All James can think is Oh. no .
He finds himself first thinking about Regulus’ reaction—the one he is sincerely worried about. James knows Sirius took ballet with Regulus and is good at everything he does, so it’s not that surprising to James that he would get the title role.
But Regulus, poor Regulus. James knows how much this art form means to him. He sees it in his eyes, a mesmerizing glimmer of happiness. He’s seen it ever since he watched Giselle with Sirius, and only sees it when Regulus is dancing. To have worked so incredibly hard, and then be double cast with his brother… oh, James knows he will have a hard time.
He told James once that living in his brother’s shadow was slowly killing him. This was, of course, back when the two siblings were inseparable. Their parents made them do everything together. Dance, piano lessons, and even a bagpipe class. Sirius didn’t continue bagpipe lessons for more than 2 weeks, however, because he kept breaking off the pipes and sticking them in places they didn’t belong.
So, without thinking really, James finds himself knocking at what he hopes is Regulus’ door—if the “Room Assignments” paper in the lobby was telling the truth.
To James’ surprise, a tentative Evan Rosier opens the door.
“Hiya… James, is it?” The boy asks. He smiles but is obviously perplexed at James’ being there.
“Yeah,” James grins back. “You’re Evan, right?”
“In the flesh,” Evan winks, the movement momentarily wiping the confusion off his face.
“Awesome,” James stands there for a few moments, attempting to peer into the dorm behind Evan. “Is Regulus in there?”
“Physically, yes,” Evan replies, “Mentally… the Gods of Sleep currently have him held captive. He won’t be up for a long while.”
“But it’s already 7am!”
“We know,” a frazzled Barty Crouch says, coming to the door. “It is actually impossible to get him up each morning. Would you like in on this morning’s bet?”
“Huh? What bet?” James furrows his brows.
“How many smacks in the face with a pillow it will take to wake the beast.” The three of them laugh. Of course Regulus has trouble waking up in the morning. He’s just like his brother. “Yesterday it was seven,” Barty continues, “but with the way Regulus is laying right now, which if you can’t see, is face down, back to the world… I would bet today will be around twelve–”
“I was also going to say twelve!” Evan chimes in, high-fiving Barty.
“Well, have you tried playing Diamond Dogs in the morning?” James asks.
“Uhhh… no?” Both Barty and Evan are looking at him strangely.
“Here, allow me.” James moves his way into the dorm, without invitation, and whips out his iPod and earbuds. Shoving one into Regulus’ ear and one up against Barty and Evan’s close faces, he begins blasting the melodious David Bowie.
Regulus instantly swats at the earbud.
“Sirius, turn that hellish freak show off. He’s far too loud right now.” Regulus groans. James keeps the earbud near, however, and Regulus shoots up out of bed.
“What did I tell you?!” He shouts, grabbing James’ shoulders before opening his eyes.
“Oh.” A million expressions flash through Regulus’ face as he goes from angry, to perplexed, to horrified, to all three at once when he sees the man he is grabbing onto is James Potter and not his brother.
Regulus looks at his own hands, seeming… embarrassed (?) before quickly removing them from James’ biceps and looking down.
“Morning sunshine,” James breathes, still feeling the warmth of Regulus’ hands on his arms.
“What are you possibly doing here?” Regulus looks up again, his expression seeming to settle on moderately agitated.
James turns around to Barty and Evan, who are simply gaping at him.
“Well, I uh…” This is the moment James realizes he has no idea what he's doing here. His instincts just led him to Regulus, to protect him from the news he was bound to see in the next few hours.
“I needed to talk to you…” James continues, having no idea where he’s going with this, “alone.”
Barty and Evan are still gaping at him, but this time when James speaks he catches them giving each other a diabolical side-eye. James didn’t think his request was that unreasonable. James has known Regulus since they were tiny children.
“Um,” Regulus ponders the request for longer than James would have expected. He was expecting a flat-out no. “How did you get in here?”
“Oh, well, I knocked, then chatted with Barty and Evan, who couldn’t seem to get you out of bed—”
Barty and Evan decide it is their time to butt in with a flurry of comments.
“How did you know to do that?”
“We’ve never, and I mean never, seen him wake up so fast.”
“Much easier than hitting him with a pillow ten times.”
“What was the song you played called again?”
Regulus scowls. Oh, so predictable James thinks.
“That’s not important, guys,” James laughs, “I just really need to talk to Regulus.” He looks back at the younger boy, who clearly does not want to go anywhere with him.
“Please?” James begs. He hopes if he pleads, Regulus may change his mind and go with him.
Regulus’ eyes soften, seemingly against his own will.
“Fine.” He says curtly. “But I need to put on clothes.”
“Oh, yeah! Of course.” James starts walking towards the door, giving Regulus some privacy. “Bring some running shoes,” he adds before shutting the door behind him.
A few moments later, a sleepy Regulus walks out of his dorm.
“I am not a runner,” he tells James.
This surprises him. Didn’t everyone like running?
“Okay. We’ll just go for a walk then.” James gives the other boy a light smile before leading him out of the building.
They are silent for the first few minutes. James realizes that Regulus is waiting for him to say something.
“So, uh, why don’t you like to run?” James asks, throwing the question that comes to his mind out into the ether.
“Is this what we came here to talk about?” Regulus drawls.
“Well, uh… no.” Not a complete lie, not when James doesn’t even know what they came here to talk about. “But why not answer me anyway?”
“Because it’s obvious, James.” Regulus looks up at him, seeming genuine. James suddenly feels stupid. Regulus’judgment has always mattered to James, about anything. And right now he feels stupid for not knowing something thatRegulus thinks is truly obvious.
“Well, not to me,” James tells him. The boys are walking towards the lake, James leading the way even though he has zero clue where they’re going.
Regulus rolls his eyes. Yep, now James is definitely feeling stupid. “I cannot run and dance because I will likely get Achilles tendonitis.”
“Really?” James didn’t know that. “So you don't like crosstrain or something?”
“Well, yeah, we crosstrain,” he looks James up and down, “that’s where you come in.”
“Reggie, what?” James pretends to look disgusted, “tell me where again I’m coming?”
“What?” Regulus’ face shifts to actual disgust when he finally gets the joke, “Ew. What? No. I mean us having to play hockey, you filthy–”
James doesn’t know how Regulus finishes that sentence because he is too busy laughing at his joke, or more so, Regulus’reaction to it.
“Ok, Potter, what are we actually doing here? Because I was planning to get to class early to see if the cast list was up yet, and it’s already getting later than it should…”
“Ummmm,” think James, think …
“We are going skinny dipping! Surprise!” James whips out his jazz hands, adding to the absolute bullshit that just came out of his mouth.
Regulus laughs at him, like actually laughs. The sound dredges up some childhood memories that James thought were locked in the most sacred part of his brain.
“You’re joking.” Regulus’ lighthearted spirit is gone.
“Nope, no I am not. Nice try though.”
“Ok…” Regulus nods, clearly not believing him, before slowly backing away. “I think I’ll be going back to my dorm now—”
Splash!
James is now in the freezing, freezing lake. Smiling. With both his shirt and shorts on. Come to think of it , he probably should’ve taken those off before diving head-first into the water.
He’s not sure why, but his immediate instinct is to see if he can touch the bottom of the lake. James dives down, swimming amongst a few species of fish that are likely surprised to see him there.
He thinks he hears some noise from above but chooses to ignore it. Man, this lake is awfully deep.
“James!” “JAMES!” He hears someone calling in the distance. Regulus. He sounded scared. Extremely scared. What if he was in trouble?
Forgoing his mission, James starts returning to the surface right as he hears another Splash!
“JAMES!” Regulus keeps shouting, now flailing in the water.
James finally reaches the surface, his head bobbing above the water.
“Regulus! You decided to join me—”
“I thought you were drowning, you oaf!” Regulus keeps swatting at him in the water. His limbs are extremely uncoordinated in the water.
James can only smile. Regulus involuntarily went skinny dipping with James. He sees the younger boy’s shirt and shorts discarded on the grass behind him.
“Why would you do that?” Regulus sounds terrified. Maybe Regulus doesn't hate James as much as he says he does.
“Awww, were you nervous for me—” James stops speaking when he realizes that Regulus’ head is now under the water. His arms keep flailing above the water as if trying to hold himself up.
He wasn’t just uncoordinated, he was drowning.
Adrenaline rushes through James’ veins, and he dives down to where Regulus’ legs are, hauling the boy over his shoulder while swimming towards the grass. He lays Regulus down in a panic. He’s wheezing, and both his eyes are closed.
“Regulus? Are you alright?” James blurts before turning him on his side.
He doesn’t respond. James is absolutely horrified.
“Regulus,” James shakes him over and over, patting his back to try and get the water out of his lungs. “Regulus!”
James keeps chanting his name over and over again, hoping he can bring Regulus back to him. This is all James’ fault. If he had just used his brain for more than three seconds, James would’ve remembered that Sirius once told him that he wasn’t fond of swimming. Of course, then, Regulus wouldn’t be either.
“Come on Regulus, please.” James keeps patting his back until, finally, a heap of water drains out of Regulus’ mouth andhe starts coughing.
“Regulus!!” James shouts, relief washing over him. He doesn’t want to imagine what would’ve happened if that water didn’t come out of his lungs. He can’t .
Regulus opens his eyes, slowly coming back to James. He can see every detail in them, from the beautiful gray clouds to the glistening sparks of lightning that periodically appear.
James is brought back to earth by Regulus’ hacking. “And that,” he croaks, “is why I didn’t want to go skinny dipping.”
James finds himself laughing, still so relieved that Regulus didn’t…
“I’m so sorry, Regulus,” James says. “I wasn’t thinking, I should’ve known that you couldn’t swim, I shouldn’t have jumped in, I just… I wanted you to stay.” It was no excuse, but it was the truth. It’s ironic, James thinks, that he brought Regulus here to protect him from bad news, and almost killed him instead.
“How did you know I was drowning?” Regulus asks.
“Well, it was pretty obvious when your head went under the surface and your arms were thrashing above the surface. We should get you to the infirmary immediately, make sure there’s no residual water in your lungs.”
“I’m fine.”
“No, you’re clearly not fine. You almost just drowned. And it’s all my fault. I need to make sure you’re alright.”
“Oh please. I inhaled some water. Drop it and stop acting like you care. I have to get to class.” Regulus now seems angry at him, and James isn’t quite sure why. Regulus starts getting up and reaches for his shirt. Before he can grab it, however, James intercepts his reaching hand and pulls him back down to sit facing James.
“How could you think I don’t care?” Does Regulus seriously think so low of him?
The other boy just rolls his eyes.
“I’m just saying, you can drop the performative act,” he huffs, “I’m alive, I didn’t drown, and I don’t need superhero James to save me. I’m not Sirius after all.”
“What–” James is annoyed now. “I’m not trying to be the asshole hero. I just need to make sure you’re alright.”
“And that’s the problem. Did you ever consider that, maybe, if you didn’t have some weird primal instinct to save everyone around you, then the people around you would actually be better off?”
Well, that stings. James looks down at the grass; he knows Regulus is partially talking about himself, but mainly talking about Sirius. How James tore the brothers apart by taking in Sirius after he ran away. How he didn’t also take in Regulus.How he’s watched Sirius miss his brother every day, knowing the reason Regulus hates him is because of James?
It’s haunted him ever since.
“Okay, Regulus.” James is done arguing with him. “You’re right. You don’t need me to take care of you. But please, for yourself, go see a freaking medic sometime today.”
Regulus doesn’t respond to him. James looks intently at the grass, pulling some blades up with his fingers. He still doesn’tlook up, even when he hears Regulus’ receding footsteps.
He knows now that nothing could redeem himself in the mind of Regulus Black. Why can’t he do one thing right when it comes to Regulus? Every time James tries to garner his trust, to get his attention, to maybe have one fiber of his being become fond of him, he fails miserably. He embarrassed himself at the party, drunk off his ass, still can’t go to one ballet lesson without getting in a sparring match with the other boy, and to top it all off, basically killed the kid this morning.
And it hurts James. It’s tearing at the fabric of his very soul. He wishes he could just peer into the Regulus’ brain and dissect his thoughts. To build a home there and study all the things that make Regulus, well, Regulus. He wants to know how he can be better. How can he be a friend, how can he impress a boy he just can’t understand?
He cares about Regulus. He hasn’t been able to keep himself away since he stepped foot on campus. He knows he’s only hurting himself—Regulus is clearly intolerant to James’ whole persona—but he doesn’t have a choice. James doesn’texactly understand it, but he needs to protect him, make him laugh, and simply be near him as much as he needs water and oxygen.
James puts his head in his hands, unsure of how someone he isn’t even friends with is destroying him.
He decides he will have to tell Sirius about this morning. Depending on his best friend’s mood, James’ head may be severed by the time he gets around to the part where Regulus jumps in the water.