no, i'm sirius!
Sirius Black will forever defend James Potter and his stupid decisions based on good intentions. Except for this one. As Sirius storms down the hallways of his new school, he tries not to explode in anger. To the left, he spots his little brother's neatly combed curls inside a math classroom. Not slowing his pace, Sirius barges through the door, facing 20 pairs of eyes that are now on him.
“Hey Sirius!”
“What’s up, Sirius?”
“Nice to see you here, Sirius”
A few of his hockey friends and some ballet dancers all call out various things to him.
“Hey guys,” he responds nonchalantly, before grabbing his brother’s arm and yanking him outside.
They are now standing face-to-face outside the classroom. Sirius thinks he is going to puke as he surveys the stormy eyes of his younger brother, much gloomier than the shade they were 2 years ago. His face hasn’t changed much, but pieces of that baby face have been chipped away as if he were a stone statue and someone was in the process of chiseling sharp features from the soft structure he once had. And then Sirius noticed something imperceptible about his brother's demeanor. He seemed tired, but it was more than that. Something was weighing heavily on Regulus’ chest. Was it the casting?
Regulus smacks Sirius across the face. Yep, it was definitely the casting.
“Well,” Regulus starts, “do you have anything to say, or are you just going to stare at me like I’m some rare animal in a menagerie?”
Sirius gulps. This is all too much for him. He is brought back to the night he left home. His last glance at his brother before his mother came upstairs, ready to throw him out of the house. Sirius could have said anything at that moment. A simple goodbye would have sufficed—or maybe he could have one final joke about the sheep pajamas Regulus wore to sleep every night. Anything would’ve been better than nothing.
“That’s what I figured,” Sirius is brought out of his thoughts by his brother’s dry voice and scowl. Right before Regulus walks back into the classroom, Sirius grabs his arm. His little brother will not be getting away from him that easily.
“Have you visited the infirmary?”
This wasn’t really how Sirius wanted to start their conversation, but they were the only words that would formulate inside his mouth.
“What, not here to gloat about the casting, Sirius?” Regulus looks down, clearly changing the subject. He would always do that when they were kids, trying to get out of something he didn’t want to do.
“I’m going to take that as a no, then.” Sirius grabs his brother’s arm for the third time before grasping his shoulders and pushing him across the school like wrangling an ice puck.
“Where are we going?” Regulus tries to resist his brother, but being the shorter of the two and leaner, he can’t. Sirius thanks his many nights spent lifting at the gym.
“Where do you think, Reg?”
“How do you even know where the infirmary is?” His brother is clearly agitated, still trying to fight Sirius’ death grip on his back.
“I am rooming with James Potter, the most accident-prone soul on the ice.” Sirius fumes a little as he says it. He didn't fault James for many of his stupid hockey plays that ended him with a bloody nose and bruised jaw, but found himself wanting to strangle his best friend for involving his little brother in a stupid scheme.
Regulus looks surprised at Sirius’ anger, like he is shocked that Sirius is taking his side, but doesn't respond. Sure, Sirius defended James a lot, but this was completely his best friend’s fault.
The boys walk in silence and Regulus slowly stops resisting Sirius’ guidance.
When they arrive at the infirmary, Madame Pomfrey seems very concerned.
“Regulus?” She ran over to the smaller boy, cupping her hands around his face as she gazed over his neck and body. “Are you alright?”
Regulus nodded. “I’m fine.”
“He is not fine.” Sirius butts in. “This morning he nearly drowned in the lake.”
All of the color drains out of Madame Pomfrey’s face. She begins dragging Regulus away from Sirius, whispering to him.
“Who did this to you?” Is the only one Sirius hears before they are out of earshot. Deciding that he wants to know what's going on, he follows his brother into what appears to be an imaging room.
By the time he enters the room, Madame Pomfrey wheels in a chest X-ray and proceeds to take Regulus’ vitals. She is lightning-quick in her assessment, not wasting time. Sirius has never seen her like this in the past few times that he's come with James. Typically, she will just look at James with sad eyes, wondering what he did this time to ruin his face.
He’s confused as to why she is so worried about Regulus. It’s not like he even looks that bad.
“You’re sure you were alone?” Madame Pomfrey asks.
“Yep, just took a wrong step walking by the lake—”
“He wasn’t alone,” Sirius cuts in again. Madame Pomfrey shoots daggers at Regulus, clearly upset that he didn’t tell her the truth. “James thought it would be a good idea to go swimming, and he didn’t realize that Regulus couldn’t swim.”
At that statement, Regulus rolls his eyes. “I can swim, just not very well. And I only went into the water because I thought James was drowning.”
Madame Pomfrey has a quizzical expression on her face. Sirius can tell there are many questions she wants to ask. If Sirius could chime in, he’d like to know for himself why in the absolute hell his brother and best friend were at the lake together. If Sirius still knew his brother as well as he hoped he did, he imagines their… meet-up ?... hangout ?.... was no idea of his. Maybe if he was a calmer, more patient person, Sirius would’ve asked James why he was at the lake with Regulus in the first place instead of storming out the door of their dorm the minute James gave him the “but don’t worry, he’s okay”.
“Care to tell me why you were there in the first place?” Sirius can’t help himself from asking.
“Please don’t talk right now, Regulus,” Madame Pomfrey says, “Wait for me to do your X-Ray.”
“Wasn’t planning on giving him an answer—”
Madame Pomfrey puts her finger to her lips and shushes him. “You two can discuss schematics later.”
Both brothers roll their eyes. They agree on something for the first time in… well, a long time.
Sirius impatiently waits while Madame Pomfrey finishes her assessment.
“Well, my dear,” she seems pleased, “your lungs look quite alright. I think you’ve been very lucky again.”
Regulus gives her a smile before sliding off the patient chair and walking towards the door.
Sirius gives her a little wave before he leaves. “See you soon, Madame Pomfrey!”
She laughs. “Hopefully not too soon, Sirius!”
As they exit the infirmary, Sirius takes another look at his brother. His head is hung low, and his previous irritation about going to see Madame Pomfrey has subsided, being replaced with a bit of weariness.
“Are you alright?” Sirius asks him.
Regulus doesn’t look up at him. “I’m fine, Sirius. I just want to get to class.”
“Okay.”
The boys walk in silence for a while. Sirius starts to think he’s lost all of his abilities to talk to his brother. They used to understand one another more than anyone else. And now every conversation they have is either strained or ends in a fight.
“What did Madame Pomfrey mean when she said ‘again’?” The question had been lingering in his brain for a few minutes, and he couldn’t stop himself from wanting an answer. When had Regulus been hurt at school before today?
Regulus looks at him, seemingly confused. “What do you mean, ‘again’?”
“You know, when Madame Pomfrey said you got lucky for not being too hurt, again.”
“I don’t think she said that.”
“Pretty sure she did.”
Regulus’ inflection and facial expressions are pretty convincing, Sirius has to admit. But his eyes give him away—there is conflict brewing in the intense grey clouds. He is lying to Sirius.
“Probably sometime last year when I got Achilles tendonitis.” Even more conflict in those eyes. Now Sirius is worried. He knows he’d never get the truth out of Regulus; when his brother didn’t want to share something, there simply wasn’t a way to fish the information out of him. But if Regulus’ supposed excuse is Achilles tendonitis, a pretty serious injury for dancers, Sirius is worried about what actually happened to his brother.
“Oh. You never told me about that.”
“You never called to ask.”
Sirius’ shoulders slump. It's true.
“So I’m assuming it happened in the spring, then?” Sirius asks, trying to carry on the conversation.
“Yes. Last spring. About eight months after we last talked. Nothing serious though… I just overworked myself.”
Sirius wants to excavate the secrets held in Regulus’ brain. He knows his brother was lying. Something else is stirring in that mind of his, and Sirius is going to figure it out.
“Well of course it wasn’t serious, I’m Sirius—-”
“I am going to strangle you if you ever say that one more time.” Regulus peers at the floor while speaking, but Sirius sees a slight smirk on his brother’s face.
“Yeah, well, you said the same thing when we were 13, and 9, and 5…” Sirius becomes sad as they reach Regulus’ math classroom. He hopes he’ll have another excuse soon to talk to him. As much as Sirius is impartial to anything ballet, he's excited that he was cast in the same role as Regulus. Maybe now they’ll get back all the time that was stolen from them.
It is really hard to be angry at James Potter. Exceedingly hard. Once Sirius knew Regulus was fine, he couldn’t stay mad at his best friend. But he wants to know why they were at the lake in the first place, and he knows he couldn’t waterboard the information out of Regulus if he tried.
When James steps into their dorm room that night, he blinks at Sirius with his puppy dog eyes, begging for forgiveness.
“It’s okay James,” he assures him, “Regulus is fine. I took him to the infirmary today.”
Sirius can tell James is relieved.
“I’m sorry for getting angry at you earlier,” he tells James. “I was just really worried he wasn’t okay, and that he wouldn't go see Madame Pomfrey.”
“I don’t know how you managed it. The kid wouldn’t budge when I suggested he go.”
“Oh, well there was no ‘suggesting’ when I dragged him down the hallway.”
James nodded. “I really am sorry. I didn’t know he couldn’t swim.”
Sirius shrugs, “His fault for jumping in.”
“Why were you guys even there, anyway?” Sirius asks.
He sees James thinking about his response, which is strange. Sirius doesn’t know why, but it aggravates him. James usually just says the first thing that pops into his head.
“Well, I was playing hockey in the morning. Then I happened to walk by the casting list in the ballet building on the way back. I didn’t want you two clawing each other’s eyes out before breakfast, so I decided to detour Regulus from happening upon the list. Turns out skinny dipping by the lake is not a passtime Regulus enjoys.”
Sirius has to laugh. Only James Potter could make someone go skinny dipping in a freezing lake at 7 AM. “Gotcha.”
This explanation fulfills him. Knowing James always has his back is one of the best parts of their friendship. And although Regulus is not an early riser, neither is Sirius. And he doesn't want to be awoken by his little brother, as James so eloquently put it, attempting to claw his eyes out.
Sirius still hasn't talked to Regulus about the casting. He isn't quite sure how his brother feels, and he doesn't want to think about it. Sirius hadn’t asked to be cast as Othello, but ballet was Regulus’ thing, not his.
“There was something… weird, though, about Madame Pomfrey.”
“What do you mean?” James had been seen by her plenty of times. He could certainly confirm if she was acting strange.
“I don’t really know.” Sirius tells him. “She seemed extremely worried when Regulus walked in, looking completely fine. And then she was rushing to figure out if anything was wrong with him.”
“Hmm.” Sirius waits as James considers his words. “Maybe she was worried because she couldn’t see anything that was wrong on the outside, she was worried about the inside.”
“Poetic,” Sirius chuckles, “and maybe. But I’ve never seen her so worried about you.”
“Well…” James sighs, “that’s the sad part about not being the school’s starring ballerina.”
They both laugh again before Sirius adds, “And then after she told him he was fine, she said that he was lucky to be fine ‘again’. Like, what is ‘again’ supposed to mean?”
James shrugs.
“So at first I figured he must have sprained his ankle or something. But then when I asked him about it, I knew he was lying to me. He came up with some bullshit excuse about having achilles tendonitis, but I just know that there’s more to the story.”
“Hmm.” James says again. “I mean, he actually did mention to me his fear of getting achilles tendonitis when we were at the lake. But he didn’t say anything about having it before.”
“Yeah, I’m just not buying it. He just seemed really on edge about me asking, too.”
“Well, then there’s only one thing for us to do.” James grabs his physics notebook and turns to a new page. “I hereby open this investigation of Regulus Black.”
Sirius smiles. Now that James is on his investigative team, they’ll find out what happened to Regulus in no time.
At that moment, someone knocks on their door.
“Congratulations, you two!!” Remus shouts, bursting through the door as soon as James turns the handle. “New to the game and already winning.”
Something clicks into place when Remus is there. It’s like all laughter and joy have been amplified tenfold. Sirius enjoys being congratulated, and he tells Remus congratulations too.
“Sooooo… what have you guys been doing to celebrate?”
“You know, the usual. Talking about Sirius' brother.” James winks at Sirius.
“Hey, stop talking about my brother like…” he didn’t exactly know what he didn’t like about the way James talked about Regulus, but he knew he didn’t like it one bit. “Like he’s some kind of starboy.”
“Well, technically speaking… he is,” James leans forward. Sirius wants to smack the smug look out of his friend’s eyes, even though he knows he’s kidding.
“James, you weirdo,” Sirius punches James’ arm.
“Owwwww,” James feigns injury, rolling onto the floor. Sirius locks eyes with Remus and snorts.
Just then, Remus gets a text. He smiles when looking down at the notification. Who is this person and how have they garnered a smile from Remus? Sirius would love to make him smile like that.
Reaching across the bed and yanking the phone from Remus’ grasp, Sirius glances over the text and its sender.
“Lily?” Sirius yells, much louder than he expected, “Who is Lily?”
“My girlfriend,” Remus tells him.
“Your girlfriend?!” Sirius’ jaw drops to the floor. His heart sinks in tune with it. Remus can’t have a girlfriend.
“Not like that, silly.” Remus swats at Sirius’ wavy hair. “She’s just a girl who is a friend.”
Sirius’ tone turns sour as he crosses his arms. “Right, mhm.” He doesn't quite understand why the prospect of Remus having a girlfriend bothered him so much, but it really does. He doesn't like his friends being friends…or closer than friends…with other people. The thought disgusts him.
“I’m serious, Sirius. She’s just a friend.”
Sirius is too busy pouting to hit Remus with his classic punchline. This sucks.
“Prove it.” Sirius finally says.
“Okay, if that’s what you want.” Remus sends this ‘Lily’ person another text. She replies instantly. Not friend behavior if you ask Sirius.
Remus shoves the phone into his face. The texts read:
LILY: Hey, how’s it hanging?
REMUS:I’m good, how about you?
By the way, would you ever kiss me?
LILY: I’m good :) The answer is sadly no, however.
My heart eternally lies elsewhere.
Relief washes over Sirius. Thank goodness Remus did not have a girlfriend. He is suddenly curious as to whom Lily does want to kiss, though. What nosy tendencies he has.
“Believe me now?” Remus questions, raising one eyebrow.
“Sure do.” Sirius grins back.
James blows raspberries, bringing their attention back to their friend who is rolling on the floor.
“I’m bored.” James says.
“We can tell,” says Remus. “Maybe you should get started on the mountains of homework you’ve yet to complete?” Remus does have a point, Sirius thinks. At this point, papers are piling on both of their desks. He can practically hear them screeching to be completed.
“No thanks. I’d rather be bored compared to miserable.” James responds.
“I know what we should do!” He perks up from his place on the carpet. “This school has seen too many days without a good prank. The one we did in the dining hall was brilliant; we have to keep the energy up. If not, people are going to start thinking we’re lame.”
Sirius could not agree more. “Let’s start planning, fellas!”
The three of them toss ideas back and forth. At some point, Peter walks in.
“Pete!” The three of them greet him.
“We’re seriously trying to think of prank ideas, mate.” James informs him. “But right now, all we can think of is paying off the live pianist to play an instrumental version of ‘is somebody gonna match my freak’ during class.”
Pete snorts. “Honestly, that’s hilarious. But if you want to do an additional prank, I keep catching my eye on that rosin box. You know, the one where the ballet dancers put their pointe shoes in? Don’t know why they do it, but I think throwing some white paint in there could really make a silly mess of all the classroom floors.”
Oh, how Sirius loved Pete and his ‘silly’ ideas. It would be pretty funny, seeing all the floors become speckled with pointe shoe paint. They might just have to go with both ideas.
Remus' phone dings again, although he can’t look at it because he is in the bathroom.
Sirius’ intrusive thoughts tell him to open what she sent, and who would he be if not a listener to them? He just needed to be quick.
The new texts read:
REMUS: Lily, you gotta get over it, honey.
LILY: I just can’t Remus. Whoops!
Have you heard from Regulus recently?
Sirius’ eyes bulge at that last text. Did Lily mean Regulus as in his brother, Regulus? He keeps reading:
REMUS:Talked with him about a week ago. He seems fine enough.
Why?
Why is everyone in love with Regulus Black? Do all of his friends talk to his brother behind his back? He will have to figure out the answer to those questions later. He continues reading:
LILY: Did Snape not tell you the news?
I don’t know if he’ll be fine much longer.
Those last two texts are where the conversation ends. It is pretty inconsiderate of Remus to be in the bathroom right now, Sirius thinks, when he desperately needs answers. Why would Lily text Remus just to talk about Regulus? Did Remus know something about Regulus that Sirius didn’t? Did it have anything to do with Madame Pomfrey this morning? If they knew each other—which, up until now, Sirius thought they were acquaintances at most—why didn’t Remus ever mention Regulus to Sirius?
He can't ask Remus any of these questions, of course, or else Remus will know he went through his phone. He raises his eyebrows at James. They need to talk.