“Jaaaames! I finished my costume! I think you're really gonna like it.” Lily sing-songed.
James perked up at the sound of his wife’s voice, setting Harry down in his crib as he turned around to head to their bedroom. “Goodnight son, I’m going to go shag the love of my life. God what a lovely arse.” It was their first Halloween with Harry and it seemed like Lilly was determined to make sure Harry wasn’t an only child. She’d been hyping the costume up for the past two weeks, insisting it was something only out of his “wildest dreams.” Adjusting the antlers of his stag onesie James stood outside their bedroom door, practically vibrating with antici---pation as he reached out and grabbed the handle.
James was immediately graced with the image of his wife’s long legs wrapped in fishnets, her pale skin contrasted deliciously with the black of her outfit. As his eyes continued up her figure he had to fight the urge to drool as he took in the sight of her outfit, a form fitting black dress leaving nothing to the imagination, and an oddly familiar silk cloak spread out beneath her. He hadn’t even seen her beautiful face but James knew right then and there Harry was definitely not going to be an only child after tonight. His eyes moved across her collarbones, the smooth expanse interrupted by black strands of hair tickling her shoulders.
Wait… Black?
“Well…” Was that Snape’s voice? James whipped around frantically looking for the man, but he was nowhere to be found, instead Severus’ voice came from behind him, as if he was inside the bedroom. “What do you think, my love?” James’ eyes widened as he turned back around finally seeing his wife’s face… except it wasn’t her face. It was fucking Severus Snape. Snape with boobs but still it was Snape. His hooked nose, sharp cheeks, and greasy black hair combined with his wife’s body.
“Lily?”
Snape’s voice responded, the wand pressed to his -- no her-- wait no his? Her? Her throat bobbed with her throat as she spoke, “Yes.”
“Is it bad that I still find it kind of hot?” James says as he jumps on the bed.
---- hours later ----
Later they wake to a sudden a bang sounded from downstairs, the horrific sound of the front door slamming open. “Lily, go grab Harry and get out of here I’ll hold them off.” He ran down the hallway and as he ran down the stairs he could’ve sworn he saw a rat with a clown wig and red nose but that wasn’t important now all that mattered was protecting Lily and Harry. He got to the ground floor only to see a figure standing in the dark entryway. A light flashed from outside and the figure was suddenly illuminated. It was… Dumbledore? There he stood with his long white beard, twinkling eyes, bright purple robes and hat, but his legs...were those fishnets? And his face was too young and handsome to be the headmaster. Was this… was this a death eater...in a sexy Dumbledore costume?
“Like the costume? I made it special just for this.” That was Voldemort’s voice. James would recognize it anywhere it had haunted his nightmares since he had first seen him in battle, but never did he imagine hearing it like this.
“Dumbledore’s eyes are a little twinklier, I give it a 7 out of 10.”
“Avada Kedavra!” How dare he?! Does he not know how long it took to craft this beard?! To find custom purple robes?! To charm his eyes to twinkle obnoxiously?! How dare he?! With the killing curse, one truly has to mean it, and in this moment, Tom Riddle had never meant it more. James dropped to the floor, his antlers laid astrew on the ground.
Voldemort walked up the stairs, down the hallway and entered the nursery, ready to kill Lily and Harry Potter and finally put this prophecy business to rest. Upon entering the nursery he saw the infant in the crib dressed in the same ridiculous store bought stag onesie (clearly they had not put in the effort he had to their costumes, but what else could one expect from blood traitors and mudbloods) and there next to the crib stood...Snape...also in fishnets… how DARE HE COPY HIS COSTUME IDEA?! But no wait, that was Lily Potter, dressed as sexy Snape (much more original, he could respect that).
“I shall give you one chance to move away, to save your life, your dedication to the craft of costume making and mockery of Snape have earned you this mercy.”
“I would rather fuck the giant squid. Eat shit and die.”
“Avada Kedavra!”
Lily’s prone body fell to the floor, her large, fake, crooked nose fell from her face and laid on the floor beside her. Voldemort moved towards the crib holding the ridiculously costumed child, this travesty could not be allowed to live, prophecy or no prophecy.
“Avada Kedavra”
Harry blinked up as the strange wizard in robes and fishnets and an atrocious purple hat fell to the floor. Another blink and a familiar greasy black head of hair stood in the doorway.
“Lily noooooooooo!” Wait a minute. What was she wearing? Was that meant to be… him? What kind of kinky shit were James and Lily into? Was it possible that all this time, all the name calling, the hexes in the hallways, pantsing him in front of the entire school, was James trying to hide his love for...him? Could it be that while Snape had felt such intense jealousy for James to have Lily, James felt the same for Lily to have him? He held her body to his chest, crying for his love all the while concluding that James had truly loved him and he was dead now.
James (who had already ascended to the great beyond) now watched in horror as Snape clutched Lily’s body, the black wig slowly sliding off her head as he clung to her, completely ignoring the crying baby not even a foot away. With tears in his eyes James turned to Lily, who even in ghost form was still wearing the Snape costume and sighed. “I hope this doesn’t come back to bite us in the arse.”
Lily just shook her head as she wrapped her arms around him, “I guess we’ll find out. On the bright side it looks like Sirius is on his way.” The two of them watched as Sirius made his way into the house, scratching at his wool sweater with a name tag saying “Moony” on the front as he stepped over James’ body and climbed the stairs to Harry’s bedroom.
“Oh thank the heavens… hopefully he remembers to hide anything embarrassing about my death like he promised.”
Sirius on the other hand had just stumbled upon the most confusing and frankly traumatizing thing he ever saw, and that’s including the time he found his parents disrobing each other in his childhood bedroom, Walburga donning a pale blonde wig that looked eerily like the hairstyle Abraxas Malfoy had worn earlier that week. It wasn’t even the fact that two of his closest friends were laying dead on the floor. What really did him in was seeing Snivellous Snape crouched next to Voldemort dressed up as a sexy version of… Dumbledore? All while clutching Lily’s body, an iconic crooked nose and black wig that looked like it was drenched in grease hanging from her face.
“What in the bloody hell…”Doing his best to block out the scene in front of him Sirius immediately went over to Harry’s crib, picking him up and holding him close as he pulled out his wand. Sirius still couldn’t process what he was seeing, but now that he had Harry safe in his arms, he had another promise to keep, and he was going to keep it. Even if the kinky shit he thought he’d have to hide was just going to be some whips or rope, not a secret love for Snape of all people. With a flick of his wrist Lily’s costume morphed into a doe onesie, at least then she’d match James and Harry.
He didn’t even know what to do about Snape, who was still sitting on the ground clutching Lily’s cold body. Instead he did the next best thing, he turned around and went back outside, picking up a blanket to wrap Harry in as he waited for Dumbledore to arrive. After five minutes of standing around Dumbledore finally showed up. “How bad is it, Sirius?”
“I… I couldn’t tell you. It was horrible, I covered up some of it, but there’s some things you have to see for yourself.”
“I do not wish to see the bodies of the people I once called students.”
“The bodies were not the most traumatizing thing I saw in that house. Please, I can’t go back in there.”
Shaking his head, Dumbledore headed inside, tears pricked at the corners of his twinkling eyes when he saw James’ dead body draped across the stairs. Still he continued on, knowing worse things lay ahead. Even so, nothing could have prepared him for what he saw when he opened the bedroom door. The first thing that grabbed his attention was Voldemort’s outfit, it was an exact replica of the outfit Dumbledore had worn during his final round of passionate lovemaking to his dear friend Grindelwald before he was locked away. Wait… it was an exact replica. Without a word he flicked his wrist, Voldemort’s body vanished from view, and Dumbledore’s dark history of slutty robes and fishnets along with it. Breathing a sigh of relief Dumbledore now took in the rest of the room. Snape was now resting against the wall, Lily in a poorly transfigured doe onesie laying dead at his feet.
“Severus? What happened here?” Waving his hand Dumbledore removed the transfiguration, only to gag in horror, quickly casting a stronger transfiguration spell to cover up the shitty fake nose and revealing costume that absolutely looked like something Snape would wear. “On second thought. Don’t say a word Severus, you’re coming with me.” Silently Snape followed Dumbledore out of the room, his eyes never once leaving Lily, who was now once again wearing a fluffy onesie. Tears welled in Snape’s eyes once more as they passed over James’s body, Dumbledore almost tripping over it in his haste to leave the house. Standing outside the house the three men looked at each other, a silent agreement being made to never mention what they had seen that night as they waited for more help to arrive.
--- pan to whenever the order of the phoenix takes place ---
Harry hid behind the cracked open door, peeking into a room currently occupied by Snape, Sirius, and Remus at Grimmauld Place. He had heard yelling from his room and gone to investigate.
“Why don’t you keep your slimy nose out of our business and stop talking about James as if you knew him. You were nothing to each other. He was my best friend. I know what’s best for his child, my godchild!” Sirius yelled.
“I know James was in love with me! I know you saw it too that dreaded Halloween night!” Snape screamed back. He shouldn’t have said that. He’d meant to take it to the grave, that horrific role playing scene he’d stumbled upon, the discovery he’d made. But he was too angry to hold it back.
Harry gasped from the doorway but no one seemed to hear. Sirius fainted to the floor, reliving the trauma he had endured upon discovering Lily’s body in a greasy wig and crooked nose. Remus burst out into silent laughter, falling over and clutching his stomach in the kind of humor that makes your ab muscles ache. Snape was too enraged to notice as the practical double of his might-have-been lover audibly gasped at the news.
It made sense now, Snape’s constant talk of James “prancing about” “strutting through the hallways”, describing how he ruffled his hair, his talk of how “horny” James was. He had thought he was referring to his stag form but clearly he had been wrong. Snape and his father had loved each other. That must have been why Snape was so cruel to Harry in school. How difficult must it have been to look upon the face of his deceased lover everyday in the form of his son. How tragic that they could never be together. When this war was over Harry would ensure everyone knew the truth of their love, no longer would they have to hide in shame.
In heaven, James can be seen to be screaming in a pose reminiscent of that of zuko in season 2 episode 2 when frustrated with being a fugitive. “I did not have sexual relations with that man.”
“Weeeeeeellllllllll. You certainly did something with someone dressed up as him.”
“Lily! We agreed never to discuss that!”
“No. You agreed. I, however, made no such promises. Lover.” Somehow she managed to make the last word sound as though it had come from Snape’s mouth while also dripping with sexual innuendo. James felt a shameful burst of attraction.
---months later---
Harry is looking through Sirius’s room after his death, looking for something, anything, to give him comfort in his grief. He stumbles upon a stack of photos buried beneath leather jackets and one familiar looking wool cardigan. The top photo was James! Finally a picture of his father that he could hold deer. But wait. His father was kissing someone, someone with familiar greasy black hair and a billowing cape and… fishnets? Was that… was that Snape… in fishnets... kissing his father…? He had known on some level that his father had loved Snape, but he hadn’t realized that they had actually been in a relationship. Perhaps Lily had just been a beard for them all along. Was she even really his mother? No. He had come to accept Snape and his father, he couldn't go back on that now. He had to commit to winning this war and then sharing their story. Afterall, it was Snape’s love for James that saved him. Dumbledore had seemed to think that that love was for Lily, but clearly their relationship had been hidden even from the leader of the light. True star-crossed lovers. A tear slid down Harry’s cheek.
Meanwhile in heaven, Lily was dying (again) laughing. James scowled in the background. “It’s not funny, Lily. My son thinks I’m in love with Snivellous.”
“I have truly pulled the ultimate prank. Hell, I outpranked the marauders. Bow down bitches.” Still in her Snape costume, Lily continues to laugh at James’s expense. Sirius, newly ghosted, wanders over.
“So James. I hear you’re into broody, dark-haired, Slytherin death eaters. Does this mean those rumors about you and my brother are true?” Sirius asks as he smirks at James, covertly high-fiving Lily.
James collapses to the floor. It is possible he has managed to die again from sheer anguish?
“You know I would never kinkshame you, James. There’s no need to hide your deep yearning for greasy hair. To each his own. I personally find werewolves in sweater-vests quite attractive.”
“Yes, yes. And I love a man in fishnets and purple robes.” Lily added. “A beard can be quite nice too.”
It’s possible that James has now managed to die a third time.
---- a few more months later ---
Harry stood outside Remus’s door, trying to work out how he was going to even introduce the topic of his father being in love with Snape. Still, he had no choice, Remus was the last of the Marauders, (at least the last of the ones who mattered, since Peter is a bitchass motherfucker.) Which meant if he didn’t get answers from him he never would. Just as he was about to knock on the door, it swung open from the other side, an exhausted Remus smiling as he beckoned Harry inside. “What’s the problem, my dear boy?”
Harry paused, really how was he supposed to bring this up without frightening Remus. Did Remus know? Would he be outing James by talking to Remus about this? “Well, I've come to realize there are some people in my life that may not have been very honest about their love lives.”
Remus felt his heart jump into his throat, how could Harry have found out? Oblivious as always, Harry continued, “I have to wonder, Remus, what would you do if you found out someone you knew was secretly in a relationship with someone of the same gender?” Oh, oh no Harry somehow figured it out, he and Sirius thought they were being sneaky but apparently not, especially if the child denser than a brick managed to figure them out.
Clearing his throat, Remus attempted to keep his voice as steady as possible, “Well, I’d give them time to come out themselves, wizarding society is still not very accepting of gay people and especially if this person is a father figure of some type…” like him or Sirius, “They might be worried that you’ll react poorly.”
“But what if they’re dead?” Oh lord. Harry really just said he’d rather have this conversation with Sirius didn’t he? Well he was always better with kids and teens anyways.
“I mean… you can always talk to the person who loved them. I’m sure I-they will be around for a while and can talk to you about them.
Harry jumped up from his seat, sending his chair flying and Remus jumping, “Of course! I’ll go talk to Snape! Thank you!” Turning around Harry sprinted out the door, slamming it behind him as he left. Remus could only sit there in confusion as he tried to process what just happened. Snape? What would Snape know abooooooh NO NONONO. How did Harry even come up with that? Unless… unless he had overheard their argument oh so long ago. Even so it was Snape’s problem now.
With a shrug Remus sat back down on the bed, glancing over at a picture of the marauders and Lily, “I may have royally buggered you James, although maybe it’s what you would have wanted.”
“NO!” James screamed in horror, “THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WANTED YOU WANKER. BLOODY GOOD FOR NOTHING WEREWOLF!”
“Hey! That’s my husband you’re yelling at!”
“You’re still on my shit list Sirius.”
“Better than your shag list apparently.”
“WHY YOU!”
—----------------------- Oh wow look, we’re at the part where Voldy dies —-----------------------
—--------- Oh look we’re past that part because I hate action scenes —----------------------
Hermione stood next to Harry and Ron, surveying the wasteland that had once been Hogwarts, “So what now?”
Harry turned around to face his two best friends with a soft smile, “I tell their story.”
“Oh yes, Harry!” Hermione brightened at the idea, “That’d be wonderful, We must make sure people remember all the sacrifices made today and tell them of the horrors so we never make the same mistake again by letting blood purists and psychopaths who think slavery is okay to take over!”
“Oh, uh you can do that I guess.” I guess? I GUESS?? What did Harry mean by I guess??? “I was talking about how my dad and Snape were lovers, I was gonna tell their story since apparently wizards are homophobic.” Ron and Hermione stared at Harry in shock, what on earth was he talking about? Oblivious as ever Harry continued, “Like come on we just ended wizard nazis at this point we should just go after all the wizarding evils, makes sense wizard homophobia is the next thing I defeat.”
Everyone stared at Harry in absolute shock and confusion, a fly may or may not have gone into Ron’s open mouth. Spitting out said fly Ron was finally able to form a semi-coherent response. “Are you saying Snape shagged your dad?”
“I’d like to think of it as my dad shagged Snape, but I guess I’m not too sure, and anyone who would have known is now dead so…”
James was curled up in a ball on the cloudy floor of heaven, tears streaming down his face as everyone celebrated around him, “I really have failed as a father. My son thinks I let Snivellous…” James shuddered in horror, a silent tear streaming down his face, “shag me.”
“Oh cheer up, deer.” Lily stood above him, still in her sexy Snape costume, “I’m sure he won’t take it that far, no one will even care.”
Remus chimed in from somewhere behind them, “yeah, it’s not like anyone cares who the father of the chosen one shags right?!” James began to cry harder.
—---------------------------------------Some time later at the leaky caldron—----------------------------------
McGonagall, Sprout, and Hagrid sat the pub bar getting absolutely sloshed as was their right after fighting in another dumb war that could’ve been prevented if Dumbledore wasn’t such a useless twink.
“Have you heard… have you heard about James and our Severus? They was a couple they were. Who’d’ve thought? Not me thats for sure!” Hagrid told McGonagall and Sprout.
“Well that’s not so surprising, did I ever tell you about the time I caught James and Regulus Black going at it in the broom cupboard after a quidditch match? Bit of a slut that one was.” McGonagall snorted, clearly she’d been hitting the Scottish whiskey a bit too hard.
“Not to mention all the time Snape spent following Lily and James around. Of course, at the time we thought it was because of Lily, but you know what they say about assumptions.” Sprout said. “It’s truly terrible how this war has torn up so many beautiful relationships. Sirius and Remus. James and Snape. Harry and Cedric. These poor young souls.” Sprout began to tear up just thinking about it.
“It’s truly wonderful what Harry is doing. That monument he built for Severus and James is beautiful. A testament to their love. I hope they are able to be happy together in the afterlife at least.”
“Now how sure are we that they were actually in love and not just… you know…”
“Excuse me!”
“Well er it’s just that, like you said, James got around quite a bit. Why I wouldn’t be surprised if now that the wars officially over Harry doesn’t have a few siblings coming out of the woodworks.”
Harry stood in the corner under his invisibility cloak, having heard the whole thing. Was his father… a slut…? Who else had he slept with…? His mom, Snape, Regulus Black, who else?! Sirius? Remus? Neville’s parents? The Weasleys? Dumbledore himself? … Umbridge? Hell, he could’ve had sex in the very invisibility cloak Harry was wearing. The thought was too much for him. He immediately flung the cloak off of his body, he couldn’t bear to touch it anymore.
A bit farther away, out of sight of everyone, a lone beetle with markings like glasses on its face flew away.
—-------------------The following morning —------------------------------------------------
Harry sat down in a comfy seat in the Weasley’s house (he liked their seats okay.) Sipping some coffee he opened up The Daily Prophet. Hopefully there’d be something in there to take his mind off of everything he’d discovered recently. He read the front page…
JAMES POTTER: THE WIZARDING GHENGIS KHAN
By: Rita Skeeter
In light of Harry Potter’s recent tell all about the scandalous relations between his father James Potter and former professor/headmaster/death-eater Severus Snape, we the good people of the Daily Bugle decided to do some digging and found that James Potter was possibly the most “prolific” wizard in existence. There are substantial claims from James’ former teacher, one Miss McGonagall that he had slept with “Regulus Black” yes the possible death eater from the formerly prestigious Black family. It is speculated that he may have in fact slept with most if not all of the Order of the Phoenix, (which many now believe may have doubled as a place to commit more sensual rather than warlike acts). Hagrid and Professor Sprout of Hogwarts also commented that he sired not only the chosen one but; Ronald Weasley (and perhaps some of his elder siblings), and Nevill Longbottom (whose parents were known to “chill” with the Potters from time to time. As of now they are the only confirmed children, but you don’t have to do much digging to find more rumors surrounding James’ promiscuity, and even less digging to find children with his dark hair and brown eyes.
Of course, his teachers wouldn’t have been privy to all his escapades – although there are speculations that he had secret relations with Dumbledore as well. – Further digging revealed that we may have reason to believe James had sired over one hundred children before his death. So to all the dark haired and brown eyed young wizards born between the years of 1978 to July 1982 we implore you to triple check with our families, and if anyone suspects they might be a long lost love child of James Potter please come to me Rita Skeeter so as to share your story and allow us to get a better understanding of just how many people now belong to the Potter legacy.
Harry read the article three times over before remembering to put down his mug, shock written all over his face. Before he could even think Ron came stumbling down the stairs, almost falling multiple times as he skidded to a stop, grabbing and shaking Harry violently as he almost screamed “Did your dad SHAG ME MUM?!”
All Harry could do was sigh, “Welcome to the family.”
Alternate Scene:
“So… have a thing for dark-haired Slytherin deatheaters turned spies do you?” Sirius asked James after joining him in the afterlife.
“I… I… What…? Who told you about Regulus?” James stumbled over his words. It was
bad enough that everyone now thought he had been in love with Snivellous, but to think they knew about him and Regulus? It was a horrifying thought.
“Regulus? I was talking about Snape what were you talking about?” Sirius narrowed his eyes at James, a long-forgotten suspicion suddenly entering his mind. A late night wandering the halls, a blushing James and a too composed Regulus with a Gryffindor scarf poorly obscuring the hickey on his neck.
“MY BABY BROTHER?!!!”
“I… I…”
“HOW DARE YOU… YOU… YOU DIRTY ROTTEN BROTHERFUCKER!!!!!”
“Oh are we talking about Regulus, he was so sweet and very good in bed.” Lily wandered in and felt the need to interject.
“You… you too…?” Sirius’ voice had lost most of its anger, now he just sounded sad and confused. “Has anyone of my friends NOT fucked my brother? What’s next, did Remus fuck him too?!” Now Sirius’ voice had taken on a hysterical tone.
Remus was suspiciously silent.
“NOOOOOOOOOOO”