THE NOBLE AND MOST ANCIENT HOUSE OF BLACK AND ITS (REALLY HOT) HEIRS
ACT I
THE BEGINNING
SCENE I
THE NOBLE AND MOST ANCIENT HOUSE OF BLACK AND ITS (REALLY HOT) HEIRS
Characters (in order of appearance):MRS. PETTIGREW (Aunt Agnes),JAMES POTTER,NARRATOR(James Potter),PETER PETTIGREW, REMUS LUPIN, MS. MCGONAGALL, WALBURGA BLACK, SIRIUS BLACK, REGULUS BLACK, LILY EVANS, MARY MACDONALD, MARLENE MCKINNON.
The Pettigrew household, 8:30 AM.
MRS. PETTIGREW (exasperated): Boys! Boys! Peter, put that down, you can’t skateboard to school, it’s not safe– James, sweetheart, you have to eat something before leaving, here, have a muffin. Don’t look at me like that, it’s for your own good.
JAMES(rolling his eyes fondly): Whatever you say, Aunt Agnes.
NARRATOR: That’s my Aunt Agnes. Well, she’s not really my aunt, she’s just my best friend’s mom, but she practically raised me, so she’s family anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I love Aunt Agnes. She’s the best. But sometimes, she can be a bit… overbearing.
MRS. PETTIGREW(fussing over the boys and ushering them out the door): Alright, have a good day, you two, don’t do anything stupid, text me if you’re planning to go anywhere after school, and be back by ten.
PETER: Yeah, mom, we know.
As soon as MRS. PETTIGREW is out of sight, JAMES grabs his bike, and PETER pulls his skateboard out of his bag.
JAMES (grinning): That’s my boy.
PETER (grinning back): First day, what if there are hot new kids? Gotta be prepared, you know?
JAMES and PETER share a high-five.
NARRATOR: That’s my best friend Peter. He’s more like a brother to me, really. We grew up together, and I’ve been living with him and his mom since my parents died.
JAMES and PETER start down the road to school.
They both exit.
Hogwarts School of Science and Technology grounds, 8:50 AM.
JAMES and PETER are walking through the school grounds, chatting casually. REMUS LUPIN approaches them, limping slightly.
JAMES (waving): Morning, Moons. Your hip giving you trouble again?
REMUS (grimacing) Actually, it’s my knee today. Dislocated it on the way up the stairs last night and it’s been hell since.
PETER (whistling): Jesus, Moony, hip pain, back pain, rib pain, neck pain, and now knee pain too? You’ll be an old man by twenty-five at this rate.
REMUS (shrugging him off): Nah, it’s not that bad. It is what it is, and I can deal with it. I’m not delicate, you know.
JAMES (frowning): Yes, we know, but you shouldn’t have to deal with it. If there’s anything I can do to help, if you would just let me–
REMUS (sighing): James, I love you, and I appreciate your concern, but we’ve been over this. I don’t want – or need – your help, or anyone’s, for that matter. As long as I can still function, it’s not a big deal.
NARRATOR: And that’s my other best friend, Remus. He’s quite stubborn, as you can see, and just a tiny bit sensitive about his issues with chronic pain. He’s a wonderful guy, really, but he absolutely refuses any kind of help in any kind of situation. As The Mom Friend TM, I have to admit it’s pretty infuriating.
The bell rings. JAMES, PETER and REMUS enter the school.
Algebra 2 – Ms. McGonagall, 9:00 AM.
MCGONAGALL (entering): Good morning, students.
ALL STUDENTS (standing): Good morning, Ms. McGonagall.
MCGONAGALL: Alright, take your seats.
All students sit back down.
MCGONAGALL: Very well, we’ll start off the year with something simple, we only have two main units for this trimester…
MCGONAGALL begins her lesson. At the back of the class, JAMES, PETER, and REMUS mess around, snickering and passing notes.
MCGONAGALL (unimpressed): You three in the back, Potter, Lupin, and Pettigrew, do you have something you would like to share with the class?
JAMES (grinning sheepishly): Nah, we’re good, sorry, Minnie. Please, do carry on your incredibly interesting and insightful lesson about those cute smiley face functions.
MCGONAGALL (exasperated): Mr. Potter, you are a brilliant young man, all three of you are, and I advise you to take my lessons seriously, because your marks in my class this year may very well determine your future.
JAMES: Yeah, yeah, alright. We’re listening.
MCGONAGALL continues teaching, but the three boys go right back to messing around.
MCGONAGALL (sighing): Detention, boys.
JAMES (outraged): But it’s the first day!
MCGONAGALL (mildly amused): Indeed, it is. A surprising record, even for you lot.
PETER: Oh, come on! You can’t just–
MCGONAGALL (smirking slightly): Do not presume to tell me what I can and cannot do, Mr. Pettigrew. However, since I am feeling especially kind, you will do your detention over the lunch hour in my office rather than after school.
REMUS (dryly): So very kind of you, Minnie, thank you.
MCGONAGALL: You’re very welcome. Now, get out of my classroom. Some people are still trying to learn.
NARRATOR: Minerva McGonagall, our Algebra 2 teacher, also known as Minnie. She pretends to hate us, and she gives us detention all the time, but we’re her favourites, really. I’m sure of it.
Outside Minerva McGonagall’s office — 12:00 PM.
JAMES, PETER, and REMUS are waiting outside MCGONAGALL’s office. The door opens and WALBURGA BLACK, followed by SIRIUS BLACK and REGULUS BLACK come out of the office.
WALBURGA (low and cold): You are the heirs of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. Do not forget your place.
WALBURGA exits.
NARRATOR: Those are the new kids, Sirius and Regulus Black, and their monster of a mother, Walburga Black. And I am not exaggerating when I say that they are genuinely the most beautiful human beings I have ever laid eyes on.
JAMES (grinning and waving): Hey, you guys new?
SIRIUS (grinning back easily): Yeah, just moved here. (He holds out his hand.) I’m Sirius, Sirius Black. This is my brother Regulus.
JAMES (shaking SIRIUS’ hand): Nice to meet you, man. I’m James Potter, and this is Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin.
PETER fist-bumps SIRIUS. REMUS looks up from his phone and waves unenthusiastically.
REGULUS (rolling his eyes impatiently): Alright, are we done with the bonding? I’m hungry. What are you three even doing here, anyway?
NARRATOR: Regulus is such a little shit. It was one of the first things that fascinated me about him. He was just so mean. It was delightful.
JAMES (grinning wider): Ah, we, uh, might have gotten detention.
SIRIUS (impressed): It’s the first fucking day!
PETER: What can I say, we’re just special.
JAMES (lighting up): Wait, actually, I have an idea. If you two could just wait here for a second, I’m pretty sure I can get out of detention by telling Minnie I want to show you guys around.
REGULUS (unimpressed): Uh huh, you do that. I, for one, am not particularly interested in a tour. I’m going for lunch.
REMUS (standing up): Yeah, I’m starving too. Mind if I join you?
REGULUS examines REMUS for a minute.
REGULUS (nodding): You’re alright.
PETER (standing up): I’m gonna leave too in case Minnie decides she still wants you to do that detention.
JAMES (in mock offense): Not cool guys. There’s got to be at least seven sections in the bro code that you’re violating right now.
REMUS (snorting): Don’t be dramatic, Prongs.
JAMES: Me? Dramatic? Never.
REGULUS (rolling his eyes): You’ll be fine, Potter. You seem like you’ll get along great with my brother.
REGULUS, REMUS, and PETER exit.
SIRIUS (dreamily): Holy shit, your friend is so hot.
JAMES (amused): Which one?
SIRIUS (laughing): Well, both, you too, by the way, but I was talking about the tall rude one. Remy or something, you said.
JAMES (raising his eyebrows): Remus? Well, that’s tasteful, everyone’s in love with him. Good luck with that, though, he kind of… hates everyone. And since we’re on the subject, your brother’s also really hot. And you too, obviously.
SIRIUS (shocked): Reggie?! But he was such a prick – in fact, he’s always a prick.
JAMES (grinning): Well, so is Remus. Looks like we have a type.
SIRIUS (grinning back): Looks like we do. You’re cool, Potter.
JAMES: Likewise, Black. So, how about that tour?
JAMES and SIRIUS exit.
Cafeteria – 12:30 PM
REMUS, REGULUS, and PETER, are sitting at a table along with LILY EVANS, MARY MACDONALD, and MARLENE MCKINNON. JAMES and SIRIUS enter with trays and join them.
SIRIUS (taking a seat beside REGULUS): Hello again guys. Ladies, nice to meet you.
LILY (examining SIRIUS critically): You must be Sirius. I see you’ve already made friends with our lovely James.
MARY: Figures. From what I can see – and what I’ve heard, they’re very similar.
SIRIUS: What you’ve hear– Has Reggie been talking shit about me?
REGULUS (muttering in annoyance): Don’t call me Reggie.
SIRIUS (rufflingREGULUS’ hair): Aw, you love it, really.
JAMES: Personally, I think it’s adorable.
REMUS and REGULUS (muttering in unison): Of course you do.
SIRIUS (in a display of exaggerated surprise): Wait, wait, hold up. What is this? Are you two friends now? Are you really making friends already, Reggie?
REGULUS (annoyed): Shut up. We’re not friends. We just… tolerate each other.
SIRIUS (beaming): Coming from the guy who hates everyone, I’d say that’s definitely progress.
REGULUS: And what about you, huh? You and Potter look married already.
SIRIUS (throwing an arm around JAMES): Oh yeah, me and James, we’re super tight, aren’t we, love?
JAMES (leaning into SIRIUS’ side): Of course, sweetheart.
LILY: I feel betrayed now. I thought we were married.
MARY (pouting): What does that make me, then?
LILY (kissing MARY’s forehead): You can be my side piece, darling.
MARY (in mock offence): Absolutely not. You’re my wife. James can be the side piece.
LILY: Of course, darling. Sorry James, looks like I’m taken.
JAMES: No worries, Evans, fortunately, I stopped liking you years ago.
MARY (gazing fondly at LILY): Your loss, Potter.
MARLENE (teasing): Alright, enough with this gay shit, some of us are trying to eat.
PETER: We don’t stand for homophobia here, McKinnon.
REGULUS (standing): You guys are loud. And annoying. I’m going to go to the bathroom.
REGULUS exits.
SIRIUS (slightly worried): Should I…
JAMES: I’m sure he’s alright, I’ll go find him.
SIRIUS: Uh, James, he hates people, remember? Especially extroverts. He will very likely lash out at you.
JAMES (nonchalantly): Well, you’re an extrovert. He’s fine with you.
SIRIUS: Yeah, because I’m his brother. And even then, he lashes out at me sometimes.
JAMES: It should be fine.
SIRIUS: I really don’t think that’s a good–
JAMES exits.
SIRIUS (shrugging): Ah well, I tried.
They all exit.
Some deserted hallway, 12:40 PM
REGULUS is walking by himself. JAMES jogs to catch up to him.
JAMES: Hey! Reggie, wait up! (He grabs REGULUS’ arm) Why did you le–
REGULUS grabs JAMES by the collar and slams him against the wall.
REGULUS (furiously): Do not touch me. Do not call me Reggie. Do not try to talk to me like I’m your friend, because I am not. I’ve been nothing but mean to you so far, how much does it take for you to get the fucking hint?
JAMES (in awe): You know, you’re surprisingly strong. And fast. Also, you have really beautiful eyes.
REGULUS (confused): You– what? I’m literally threatening you, did you listen to anything I said?
JAMES: Love, you’re going to have to try a bit harder than that to get rid of me.
REGULUS (frustrated): Why the fuck do you want to be around me in the first place?
JAMES (simply): Because I find you fascinating.
REGULUS (dryly): How exactly is me insulting you fascinating?
JAMES (beaming): You’re so mean.
REGULUS (disgruntled): Why do you look so happy about that?
JAMES shrugs, still grinning.
JAMES: I don’t know. It’s amazing.
REGULUS (shaking his head): You’re so fucking weird, Potter.
REGULUS starts walking away.
JAMES (catching up): Why do you hate me so much? You haven’t even know me for an hour.
REGULUS (dryly): It might have come to your attention that I’m not particularly fond of people I don’t know.
JAMES: I did notice that, actually. To be fair, though, you don’t seem particularly fond of people you do know either.
REGULUS: I don’t know what led you to make that assumption considering I don’t know anyone here.
JAMES: You know Sirius.
REGULUS: Well, no shit.
JAMES: Alright, why can’t I call you Reggie?
REGULUS: No one can call me Reggie.
JAMES: Sirius does, and you didn’t try to beat him up.
REGULUS (sighing): Are you just going to bring up Sirius to contradict everything I say?
JAMES (grinning): If that’ll get you to keep talking to me, then yes.
REGULUS: You're insufferable.
JAMES (simply): Then tell me to leave.
REGULUS (confused): What?
JAMES: If you want me to leave, tell me to leave.
REGULUS (skeptically): Would you really listen if I did?
JAMES (slightly hurt): I might be persistent but I’m not a douchebag, you know. If you tell me to leave you alone, I will.
REGULUS (mildly surprised): Oh. Right, well then, leave me alone.
JAMES (disappointed): Okay. (as an afterthought) By that, do you mean right now or forever?
REGULUS (softening): Right now.
JAMES lights up again.
JAMES: See, you’re not such a prick after all.
REGULUS cracks a tiny smile before walking away.
They both exit in opposite directions.