GAY SUPERVILLAINS AND RADIOACTIVE SPIDERS
ACT I
THE BEGINNING
SCENE II
GAY SUPERVILLAINS AND RADIOACTIVE SPIDERS
Characters (in order of appearance): JAMES POTTER, MRS. PETTIGREW, PETER PETTIGREW, NARRATOR, FLEAMONT POTTER (on screen), EUPHEMIA POTTER (on screen), SIRIUS BLACK, REMUS LUPIN, LILY EVANS(mentioned), MR. SLUGHORN, and REGULUS BLACK.
The Pettigrews’ apartment, 8:00 PM
JAMES is rummaging through the boxes in the storage room.
JAMES (shouting): Pete! Have you seen my fucking chemistry book? I can’t find it anywhere!
MRS. PETTIGREW (from upstairs): Language!
PETER (shouting back): Why would I know where your chemistry book is?
JAMES (pulling the chemistry book out of a box): It’s fine, I found it!
JAMES notices something else in the box.
NARRATOR: I think I should preface this next part by mentioning that I knew little to nothing about who my parents were and how they died. I just never bothered to find out, really. Sure, sometimes I wished they were alive, but I hadn’t really known them long enough to miss them. Besides, I didn’t need them. I had a family.
JAMES pulls out a suitcase with F. Potter engraved on the clasp.
JAMES (softly): Dad?
NARRATOR: Oh, look, there’s the plot.
The Pettigrews' apartment, 8:11 PM
JAMES is sitting at his desk with his dad’s suitcase open and papers scattered everywhere. His laptop is open in front of him, and a video is playing.
FLEAMONT (on screen): What we’re doing here at the Order is extremely important work. After all that happened with the notorious Gellert Grindelwald, we can’t afford to be unprepared again.
EUPHEMIA (on screen): It is very likely – in fact, it is almost certain that others will be inspired by his actions and attempt to follow in his footsteps. That is not a threat that the government and the feds are equipped to deal with. Which is why we need a way to fight back. Some kind of… weapon. A human weapon.
FLEAMONT (on screen): A superhero, if you will.
JAMES pauses the video and opens a Google tab, searching up “Gellert Grindelwald”. He scrolls through the results and reads a few articles.
NARRATOR: Basically, Gellert Grindelwald was an A-grade asshole. Some kind of mad scientist who wanted to take over the world, you get the idea. Pretty much every article says the same things about him. But I dug deeper, and I found out that he had a very close friendship (“friendship”) with some guy who also happened to be his partner in crime for a few years. This guy’s name was–
JAMES (shocked): Wait, what? Mr. Dumbledore?! No fucking way.
NARRATOR: Turns out the most notorious criminal of all time’s secret boyfriend was my school’s principal. Fun, right?
Chemistry lab – Mr. Slughorn, 8:48 AM
JAMES, SIRIUS, REMUS, and PETER are hanging out in the chemistry lab before the start of class. JAMES is telling the rest of them about what he discovered the night before.
SIRIUS (incredulously): Fucking Dumbledore? For real? That’s crazy.
REMUS (in shock): Hold up, can we rewind to the part where your parents were genius scientists who were trying to create a superhero?
PETER (nodding): Exactly, what’s all that about? How do you make a superhero?
JAMES (shrugging): Don’t know, they wouldn’t say. Apparently it’s confidential. I found some files in the suitcase, but they were mostly blacked out or written in code. Saw something about radioactivity or something, though. Anyway, I looked into it and the project was abolished years ago for ethical reasons.
SIRIUS (whistling): Christ, James, your parents had some serious shit going on.
JAMES: I know, right?
PETER: I’m kind of invested in this shit now, we have to do some more research later.
JAMES: Yeah, of course, Pete. We can’t do it at home, though. I doubt Agnes will be happy if we have friends over on a school night to research mad scientists and their secret boyfriends.
REMUS: Slughorn will most likely let us use the lab after school, so we can just do it here.
JAMES: Ah, Moony, where would we be without that big brain of yours?
REMUS waves a dismissive hand and leans back, smiling lazily. SIRIUS stares openly.
REMUS (smirking wider): What are you looking at, Black?
SIRIUS blushes. JAMES hides a grin by taking a gulp of water.
SIRIUS (attempting to sound nonchalant): I don’t know what you’re trying to do, Lupin, but it’s not working.
REMUS (raising an eyebrow): Is it not?
SIRIUS (lying): No.
PETER (grinning): Bro, you look constipated, don’t try so hard. We all see you eye-fucking Moony, no need to be a coward about it.
JAMES chokes on his water laughing and SIRIUS goes a deeper shade of red. REMUS smiles triumphantly.
SIRIUS (complaining): He started it! It’s not my fault, he’s literally flirting with me. (turning on JAMES) You said he hates people! What’s this, then?
JAMES raises his arms defensively.
JAMES: Well, he does hate people, in general. Doesn’t stop him from being a whore, though.
SIRIUS chokes on air.
REMUS (amused): I do hate people. (He shrugs casually after a pause) And I suppose I am a whore.
SIRIUS (sputtering): You don’t just casually drop things like that, fucking hell.
REMUS (smirking): Well, a little flirting never did any harm. You’re pretty.
The bell rings. Students start filing into the lab.
SIRIUS (getting more and more flustered): You’re getting bold.
REMUS: Would you like me to be bolder?
REMUS grabs a pen and a piece of paper and quickly writes down his number. He hands the paper to SIRIUS.
REMUS: You like Bowie?
SIRIUS (gaping): Uh, yeah, I love Bowie.
REMUS: Great, because I was going to go watch the new documentary and it would be a shame to go alone. Call me over the weekend.
REMUS gets up and leaves, walking over to his usual table where LILY is already seated. JAMES winks at SIRIUS and flashes him a thumbs-up.
SLUGHORN (entering the classroom): Ah, good morning, students.
ALL STUDENTS (standing): Good morning, Mr. Slughorn.
SLUGHORN (smiling): Sit down, sit down. Now, we will start off by creating the groups for all future lab project, because I know you students tend to attach a lot of importance to working with your friends. Well, you know the drill, groups of two or three, go on.
All students start moving around while chattering excitedly.
Chemistry lab, 4:06 PM
JAMES, REMUS, and PETER are sitting at a table. SIRIUS walks in and sets down his bag.
SIRIUS: Can Reggie join? I have to take him home anyway, and I don’t want him to just sit outside and wait, you know?
JAMES (eagerly): Yeah, of course. We don’t mind.
PETER smirks.
REMUS (amused): Bit fast, Prongs. But yeah, sure, he can come.
SIRIUS opens the door and REGULUS enters. He pulls up a chair and drops onto it lazily, putting his earbuds in.
JAMES (grinning): Hey, Reg. (pausing) Can I call you Reg?
REGULUS (rolling his eyes): I don’t know if you were aware, Potter, but usually, when someone has music playing in their ears, they don’t want to be disturbed. (sighing and pulling one earbud out) But yes, I suppose you can call me Reg.
JAMES (beaming): Okay.
REGULUS: Stop that.
JAMES: Stop what?
REGULUS: Looking so fucking delighted every time I talk to you.
JAMES (smiling wider): But I am delighted.
REGULUS rolls his eyes again and puts his earbud back in, but he’s smiling slightly.
JAMES: You’re in a better mood today.
REGULUS (dryly): What an astute observation, Potter. Want a cookie?
JAMES (laughing): Actually, I would love a cookie.
REGULUS shakes his head and turn back to his phone. JAMES takes the hint and turns to REMUS instead.
JAMES: Moons, you got some gum?
REMUS nods and hands him a piece of gum.
JAMES: Right, so I guess we’ll all just do some research and let each other know if we find anything interesting.
Everyone (except REGULUS) sets up their computer and starts researching quietly.
JAMES opens Google and types “Order of the Phoenix” in the search bar.
NARRATOR: Unfortunately, I didn’t really end up finding much. The Order of the Phoenix is obviously a fully private organisation and literally everything they do is strictly confidential, so most of the results were either extremely vague news articles or wild conspiracy theories. Needless to say, it took a while before any of us found anything even remotely useful.
REMUS (breaking the silence): Apparently there used to be a building here, annexed to the school. It was all one big facility, in fact this lab is part of the old building and so is the gym, but that used to be a warehouse. This whole place was thought to be the headquarters for some kind of private organisation. Maybe it’s that Order of the Phoenix thing. Weren’t they trying to create a human weapon? That definitely requires a lab and a warehouse, right?
JAMES (stunned): Christ, Moony, how’d you find all that? I can’t find shit!
PETER: Ah, you know our Moony, he’s just too good for the rest of us.
REMUS (rolling his eyes): The rest of you are just idiots. It’s entirely useless to try to find information on a private and confidential project, come on guys. I just looked into the school records instead, since we know Dumbledore’s somehow involved in this.
JAMES spins in his rolling chair and turns to face REMUS, pointing a pen at him.
JAMES (whistling appreciatively): You, sir, are a genius.
SIRIUS (coughing): I have to say, Lupin, your effortless intelligence is insanely attractive. Also you calling us idiots. Is that weird?
JAMES (nodding): That is weird.
PETER (agreeing): Definitely weird.
REGULUS (clearing his throat): Right, so I’m not entirely sure what you guys are looking for, but you might like to know that there’s a room behind the lab full of old equipment and other things that’s been locked and closed off for over ten years.
JAMES (to SIRIUS): Wow, you’re right, effortless intelligence is insanely attractive.
REGULUS smirks.
SIRIUS: Reggie, do you know where the entrance is?
REGULUS (pointing to the door in the far corner): Right there.
JAMES: But you said it was locked. How do we get in?
SIRIUS and REGULUS share a look and burst out laughing.
JAMES (squinting in confusion): I’m not liking whatever this secret brother communication is you’ve got going on right now. What’s so funny?
SIRIUS (grinning and standing up): Watch and learn, Jamesie, watch and learn.
SIRIUS walks over to the door and pulls a bobby pin out of his hair, quickly picking the lock.
JAMES (gaping): You- How- You know, I don’t know if I should be impressed or concerned.
REGULUS (snorting): Probably both.
JAMESgets up and opens the door, scanning the room.
REMUS (smiling slightly): I have to say, Black, your effortless lock-picking was insanely attractive.
SIRIUS smiles widely.
REGULUS fake gags.
REGULUS: Lupin, it’s bad enough you find my brother hot, you don’t need to flirt with him in front of me.
SIRIUS (grinning): You find me hot?
JAMES (muffled): Uh, guys? Now would be a good time to speak up if any of you have arachnophobia.
Chemistry lab, 4:49 PM
JAMES, SIRIUS, REMUS, PETER, and PETER are walking around the old section of the lab. The place looks like a relatively normal high-tech laboratory, except that there are large glass cages along the far wall all containing dozens of identical spiders.
SIRIUS (inspecting a vial filled with a nameless yellow substance): Woah, this place is sick.
PETER (mildly terrified): Can we talk about the spiders? Why is no one talking about the fucking spiders?
REGULUS (cocking his head): They’re kind of… beautiful.
REMUS (tracing the glass with his finger): They are. Definitely not natural, though.
REGULUS (nodding): Definitely not, no.
PETER: They’re not beautiful, they’re dangerous! (muttering) You guys are psychopaths.
REGULUS (smirking): Beautiful and dangerous aren’t mutually exclusive, Pettigrew.
JAMES (under his breath): They most certainly are not.
SIRIUS laughs and elbows him. REGULUS rolls his eyes.
JAMES: Anyway, Regulus is right. they’ve got these thin glowy lines all over their backs, like veins, but…electric?
SIRIUS (softly): No. Probably radioactive. (pointing to the closest spider) Look, the lines are constantly shifting. Sometimes glowing brighter, sometimes not glowing at all. Whatever kid of energy was packed into them is extremely powerful–
JAMES (nodding): And extremely unstable.
REMUS (clearing his throat): So then, what next?
REGULUS and PETER respond at the same time.
PETER (anxiously): I think we should leave the spiders alone.
REGULUS (casually): I think we should take one out. Observe it. Maybe dissect it.
PETER: What?!
JAMES: What?!
SIRIUS: Reggie…
REMUS: Personally, I think it’s a great idea.
JAMES: What?!
PETER: What?!
JAMES: Moony, are you out of your mind? They’re radioactive.
REMUS (shrugging): Okay, so we’ll be careful.
REGULUS: You guys should listen to Lupin. He’s obviously the smartest one here.
SIRIUS (dryly): You wound me, brother.
JAMES (sighing): Fine. But we have to be extremely careful. I won’t have you guys mutating and shit.
PETER (shaking his head in resignation): I hate you all.
Chemistry lab, 5:10 PM
PETER (distressed): Aagh, get it off me! Get it off me!
JAMES picks the spider up off PETER’s arm and places it in his own palm.
JAMES (laughing): Relax, Pete, it won’t kill you.
REGULUS (raising an eyebrow): If I recall correctly, you were the one who was extremely against this idea barely fifteen minutes ago.
JAMES (shrugging casually): Changed my mind.
REGULUS (snorting): Of course you did. I assume you find the spider cute or something of the sort?
JAMES (grinning): I feel like that was meant to be derogatory in some way, but yes, I do.
REGULUS (rolling his eyes): You are such a child.
JAMES: So I’ve been told.
REGULUS (dryly): It’s like you have an answer on the tip of your tongue to everything I say. It’s fascinating, truly.
JAMES: I could say the same to you.
REGULUS and JAMES continue to banter back and forth.
NARRATOR: I’m going to blame what happened next entirely on Regulus. If he wasn’t so beautiful and mean and fascinating, maybe I wouldn’t have been too distracted to notice that I just got bitten by a radioactive spider. As it was, I was too busy being delighted that Regulus was actually having a conversation with me, even if it was mostly just snarky retorts.
REMUS (rolling up his sleeves) : Right, so are we dissecting this thing or not?