VI
It was quiet. The mood was dark and gloomy. Everyone was trying to hide it with fake smiles and awkward laughs, but James could see right through them. They were slowly losing the war.
A loud noise could be heard from outside of the house. Suddenly, every head in the room turned towards the noise in curiosity. There was a soft knock on the door. Edgar Bones, who was the closest to it, skeptically walked forward and slowly unlocked it. The moment the door was opened he dropped dead on the floor. James' eyes followed the body in shock.
The death eaters started entering the house one by one, occupying the place. James immediately recognised the black haired boy amongst them. Regulus. His Regulus was there on the other side of the war. James knew this moment would come sooner or later, yet he was still hoping it wouldn't.
Regulus was clutching his wand in his hand, though he didn't seem on edge. He looked relaxed. As if he didn't have a care in the world. Chaos unfolded in the house, everyone was fighting for their life, yet James was only standing there and watching the one he loved. He watched him attack the other order members as a single tear slowly rolled down his cheek. Regulus was different, something wasn't right.
"James, get down!" Peter yelled as a death eater was aiming their wand at him. He crouched down on reflex. The curse flew right above him. He turned towards Peter with a thankful smile decorating his lips, when he saw blood pooling out of his friend's mouth. James missed the curse, but Peter didn't. He ran to his side.
"Peter! Wha- what happened?" he asked, his voice trembling.
"It's alright," Peter's voice was raspy. "I'll be alright, just go." Yet James wasn't moving. He stayed frozen on the same spot, pressing onto the wound on his stomach. "Go!" Peter ordered, more stridently this time.
James nodded and stood up on his shaky legs. He didn't know what to do. There was chaos all around him. It felt like the first time he had a quidditch match. Everyone knew their place, they moved with purpose. Only James stood in the middle of it, confused. He felt like he was eleven again.
People threw curses at each other all throughout the house. James couldn't catch any of the words he heard. Until he heard Bellatrix.
"Crucio!"
A vicious cackle followed her words. She didn't say the curse like anyone he's ever met. She said it with enthusiasm, with joy. She enjoyed the pain of others. She said it like the Dark Lord.
He didn't feel affected by it until he saw who she was torturing. It was Sirius. James clenched his jaw and stormed towards them. He had his wand raised in her direction, though she couldn't see that. She had her eyes fixed on Sirius, bleeding on the ground.
"Expelliarmus," he called out. Bellatrix' wand flew out of her hand immediately. Her gaze was on him in a second.
"Oh, come on, now. You're ruining all the fun!" She mused, though she didn't seem disappointed in the slightest. On the contrary, she seemed pleased.
James locked eyes with Sirius on the floor. James raised his eyebrows in a question, to which Sirius nodded. The older then grabbed his cousin's wand, broke it in half and stabbed the sharper end into her thigh. Bellatrix screamed in pain.
"Stupefy!" The magic from the tip of James' wand sent Bellatrix to the ground unconscious, before Sirius could hurt her any more. "You would regret it later," James reasoned to Sirius.
He helped his best friend up on their feet and supported them with his arm around their torso. "Can you walk?"
Sirius scoffed. "Please, I'm not made of glass."
They turned around and there he stood. His pale skin was contrasting with the black robes. It felt like silence before a storm. They shared a look, before Regulus sent a curse in their direction.
James grabbed Sirius and ran to hide with him. He wasn't going to fight Regulus. He could never hurt him. The young death eater followed them, cornering them in the dining room.
"Reggie," Sirius let out. "We can talk. You don't have to-"
"Expelliarmus."
Sirius was cut off by the charm. Remus threw it in Regulus' direction, though the younger avoided it smoothly. Regulus turned to Remus and started walking towards him slowly.
"Sectum sempra," Regulus casted. They could see Remus bleeding through his white shirt. Sirius ran to his side and apparated them away, while James jumped Regulus and sent them both falling to the ground. He knocked his mask off and for a moment he could see the fear in his eyes, the agony. He didn't want this, if the tears staining his cheeks were any indicator. James felt his heart break a little.
He gathered himself and ran back to where he had left Peter. He grabbed him and apparated them both to Sirius' and Remus' flat. He helped Peter to the couch so he could sit down and pulled out his wand to heal the wound. When he turned around he could see blood stains on the floor. He followed them, and they led him to Sirius' and Remus' bedroom. Sirius was sobbing, clutching his wand tightly. Remus was bleeding out on the white sheets.
Sirius turned to James, locking their eyes. Her cheeks were stained with wet tears pouring over the dried ones. "I- I can't heal it," he sobbed.
James rushed to his side and took a closer look at Remus' injury. He had several deep cuts over his old scars, but the biggest one was on his shoulder. His arm was nearly disconnected. It was holding on just by a small piece of skin and veins. Sirius was holding it, so it wouldn't fall off completely.
James looked at Sirius. "It has to go. We can't heal him and keep his arm."
Sirius tried to say something, maybe protest, but then just nodded. The only thing they could let out were cries and sobs.
James clutched his wand in one hand and held Remus' arm in the other. "This is gonna hurt," he said, before he pulled.
Remus let out a groan and screamed in agony. James quickly let go of the limb and aimed his wand to Remus' injury so he could stop the bleeding. The wound slowly closed up. The room was filled with Remus' pants and Sirius' small sobs.
"Moony, I'm- I'm sorry," Sirius cried out. "If I hadn't apparated us, you could have- you could still have your-"
"Siri, it's okay. I don't blame you," Remus reached out his arm and cupped his face. "It's better to lose your arm than your mind," he smiled softly. Sirius wiped his tears and threw himself around Remus' neck. "Ohh, slowly there. It still hurts."
Sirius bit her lip and shifted a little. "Sorry," she let out. Their hands were clutching Remus' blood stained shirt. James felt happy they had each other. He couldn't imagine them with anyone else.
"I'm gonna bring you clean clothes," he said after a moment, standing up. Remus just nodded.
Later that week, they went drinking with a couple of friends from school. They all had to lose some steam. The war was sucking their lives out of them. They all felt drained by it.
James was watching Sirius and Remus. They looked so happy, so in love, even with everything that's happening around them. James felt happy for them, yet he found himself wishing he could have the same. He envied them what they had. He loved Regulus more than anything, but it was so hard. Regulus was his star. He shined his way through the dark. With every breath, James was thinking about him. But James was the sun, asleep each time his star brightened up the night sky. They weren't meant for each other, but did that mean they couldn't just try and make it work?
"Why would he do something like that?" James slurred, clutching a still half full bottle to his chest. "How could he do something like that?"
Lily put a comforting hand on his back. "Why are you even so affected by it? I didn't think you and Regulus were close."
"I- uh… We weren't really… It's just that- Sirius is his sibling! Why would he attack him? It doesn't make any sense," James complained. He put the bottle away and rubbed his wrist. His arms were getting weak.
"I don't know, James," Lily sighed. "It's just how things go sometimes. It's not your fault, what happened. Stop blaming yourself." She caressed his hair and laid a gentle kiss to his forehead.
James looked up, locking those doe eyes with her green ones. "You are so pretty, Lily. Why are you alone?" He let out before he could stop himself.
Lily's eyes ran over to the other side of the room, where Mary was flirting with some guy. She then lowered her gaze. "Beauty doesn't matter in certain situations, James."
James shook his head and raised her head gently to lock their eyes. "You are so much more than just pretty, though! You are kind, sweet and the smartest witch I've ever met. It's not your fault if she can't see that," he pouted.
"No, James, you don't get it. I could've been perfectly happy if I just- if I… Damn it!" Lily ran her fingers through her hair. "It's so hard, James. It's so hard loving a girl when you're a girl."
James held her close to his chest, letting her hug him round the waist. "Tell me about it…"
"You know, sometimes I wonder what would have happened if the two of us…"
"Dated?" He finished for her.
"Yeah," She sighed. "It would be so simple, you know. It feels so easy, when I imagine loving you." Lily raised her head to look at him.
"It does," He agreed breathlessly. James doesn't remember how it happened, who moved first. He only remembers his lips on hers. He remembers them getting to Lily's apartment with some difficulties and the next thing he knows, it was morning.
James slowly opened his eyes, blinking at the rays of sunlight getting into the room through the window. Once his sight adjusted, he sat up abruptly. This wasn't his bedroom. It didn't look like his bedroom, it didn't smell like his bedroom. He carefully turned around, only to find an already awake Lily lying next to him. He locked his eyes with her frightened ones.
"Did you use protection?" She asked.
"God, I hope so."
"Wha- James, don't you fucking remember?" Lily straightened up on the bed.
"Well, do you?" He retorted with a raised eyebrow.
"Fair enough," she muttered. She then stood up, careful not to reveal any more skin, and put her clothes on. As she was about to leave the room, she quickly turned back to James.
"We are never talking about this again, yeah?" Lily had her forefinger raised in a warning gesture.
James shook his head in agreement quickly. "Yeah, never."
Lily nodded before leaving the room. James dragged his fingers through his hair and threw himself back into the bed. He let his eyelids fall shut and muttered to himself,
"I fucked up."