IV
James was biting at the skin around his nails nervously. His head was full of thoughts, yet he couldn't catch one of them. Was this the right thing to do? Was Dumbledore really trying to help them, or was he just using them for his own benefit? He hissed, as blood started pouring out of his finger. Remus snatched his wrist and pulled the hand out of his mouth. He gave him a stern look.
Dumbledore cleared his throat, summoning the attention of all the eyes in the room. "We're in a war. This is a hard time for all of us. Some of us may not survive it. We're going to have to make sacrifices."
James wasn't sure if he just imagined it, but he saw Dumbledore's gaze fixated on him. He couldn't figure out what it was, Dumbledore was always so strange, but this was different. He always looked at him with this specific look. It made James nauseous.
James shared a knowing look with Peter, having a silent conversation with him without speaking. He had told Peter about his suspicion, he needed to tell someone. Sirius wasn't really an option, he couldn't keep a secret like this. He would snap eventually and confront Dumbledore without any evidence. And anyway, James' trust to Sirius was a little shaken after what had happened on that one full moon. Remus was no better than Sirius, when it came to situations like these. His anger issues would get the worst out of him and he'd soon enough do something stupid. He at least tried a little more than Sirius to keep a secret, to be fair. Right now, James trusted Peter the most. He would trust him with his life.
They had joined the Order a couple months ago. Right after they got out of Hogwarts, it was the main goal to join Dumbledore. Everything else was secondary. It's been nearly a year since James last saw Regulus. It's been a year, yet he's still on his mind every day. Every time he attended the Order meetings, every time he locked eyes with Sirius. He couldn't help it, Regulus was all he saw.
"We need to come up with a plan. We need to outthink them. We have to be smarter, stronger, than them," Dumbledore passed on.
"In my modest opinion, sir," Sirius started, "I think we should attack first. It would give us an advantage. They won't see us coming."
"Your brother's with them, Pads," James could hear Remus whisper to Sirius.
"He's at Hogwarts right now. We should attack while he's not fighting for them yet," Sirius persisted.
"I disagree, Mr. Black. We shouldn't lower ourselves to their level. They attack, we fight back," Dumbledore countered.
James turned to him in confusion. He didn't agree with Sirius, the reason being the same Remus had said a moment ago, yet he couldn't understand what point Dumbledore was trying to make. They can't just stay low, waiting for them to attack. There's no way for them to win, if they won't fight.
"With all respect, Albus, but I agree with the boy," Moody interfered. "We have to put our morals aside this time, or we may not come out of this alive."
Dumbledore's face stayed the same. The same unbothered gaze was painting his face. "We'll wait," were his final words.
They had to obey, no matter how much they disagreed with his opinions. He was the leader of their side, he made the decisions. There would be chaos without a leader. This war would engulf them. In fact, it already did. James didn't remember the last time he didn't have to worry about the war, the last time he didn't have a reason to be concerned about his parents, or Regulus. He was scared every day of his short life. He despised what the war did to them all.
After the meeting was over, the Order members apparated to their homes. The marauders all went to Sirius' and Remus' place. They have just moved in together, claiming it was to save money for the rent, yet all of them knew the truth. They all were proven right, as soon as Sirius and Remus officially told them they were dating. They had celebrated all night that day, it was a very special moment to James.
James was cutting the onion in their kitchen, cooking some dinner for the four of them. He often did this, since neither Sirius or Remus are responsible types. They would starve there without him, but that's okay. James loves taking care of them. He loves feeling useful.
"Smells good," Remus spoke from the entrance to the kitchen. James spared him a look before putting the onion on the pan. He mixed it a little, then turned to Remus.
"I'm happy for you guys," James said with a content smile decorating his mouth. "Just don't hurt him."
Remus scoffed. "You really think I would? You know how much I love them."
"I know, I know. Just wanted to warn you," James laughed. "I gave the same speech to Sirius." Remus narrowed an eyebrow at him skeptically. James scratched at his nape. "Alright, Lily did. You know I'm all soft for him."
Remus let out a breathy laugh. "Yeah, I know."
James had a soft spot for Sirius. He couldn't raise his voice at him, he couldn't say one harsh word to him. It would crash him, probably even more than it would crash Sirius. They once had a fight, a big one. The reason of it was long forgotten, yet the result scarred them all. James had snapped at her, yelling into her face all the things he had secretly found annoying and wrong about his best friend's actions. He didn't stop to think, he didn't stop to breathe. He said it all in one go. The whole dorm room went silent. James had never snapped before. Especially not on Sirius.
"You never think about the consequences, about other's feelings. Did you stop to think when you told Snape Remus' greatest secret?" James had asked, not exactly craving an answer.
"I…" Sirius had started, though didn't know what to say. They didn't know how to explain.
James scoffed. "You didn't. You never fucking think! Do you even know how much you hurt him? How much you hurt us? It's not something you can just erase, Sirius. It's not something you can fix. This will always stay with us. How can we even trust you? How can we know you're not thinking about other betrayal right now? Oh, right. You don't. It just happened, right? You just so happened to stumble upon Snape and just so happened to reveal our secret." James brushed his slender fingers through his hair, tugging on it. "What the fuck! What the fuck is wrong with you, Sirius? You're so fucked up!"
At this point, James had blacked out. He didn't remember what he said next. He only remembered Remus' arms around his shoulders, trying to hold him back.
Once he finished, sort of breaking out of the trance, he'd noticed how Sirius' cheeks were stained with hot tears. Guilt immediately stung him. Sirius didn't say anything. He just stood there, looking at James, yet somehow not looking at him all the same. His eyes were fixated on him, but as if he didn't see him. Maybe it was because of all the tears filling up his eyes, but it was as if he was looking through him. As if he was not there anymore, just his body. Just a shell.
Sirius didn't speak to James for the following two weeks. Not just James, but everyone else as well. They only ever saw her in class. She didn't even show up to get food. Remus often tried saving up some to bring it to her, not wanting her to starve. They didn't accept it until a week later, yet they still didn't go to the Great hall. Remus continued to bring them food to their dorm so they could eat together. Apparently, it helped Sirius when Remus was there with him. Remus had often vented to them about how Sirius wouldn't speak to him. He wouldn't speak even to Remus, which made James feel so much more guilty. Everyone knew how whipped Sirius was for Remus. He always talked to him. When he shut down, it was really bad. Sirius often went days without talking when something like this happened, but never for this long. Never with Remus by his side to help him with it.
Many nights, James could hear Sirius' sobs and Remus' comforting words from the other side of the room. He stayed up at night, just listening to Remus' voice. Remus would try and convince Sirius that he's not mad at them anymore, that he'd forgiven them.
"I'm so- sorry," Sirius had cried out one night.
"Shh, Pads, it's okay. I know you didn't mean to. It's okay."
"It's okay… It's okay if you hate me, now. I'll understand."
James could hear them moving in the bed.
"Hey, hey, no. Don't say that. Don't you ever say that, Pads. I could never hate you. You know I love you," Remus whispered.
He had stayed with him until Sirius was ready to be with James again. It took some time, but he did eventually forgive him. Not only that, he also apologized. James had cried. He hurt Sirius so bad, that he felt the need to apologize. He, who didn't do anything. James made sure to assure them it wasn't their fault.
James had relapsed too, back then. The guilt was eating him from the inside. It was scratching on his skin, climbing up his ribs and searching for an exit. He wasn't conscious of it, but he didn't eat until Sirius started talking to him again.
James vowed to himself and Sirius never to do it again. He never wanted to feel the same pain he felt when he saw Sirius hurt, when he knew he was the one who hurt them, ever again.
Maybe it was his savior complex, maybe he was just all soft for the Black brothers, but he could never be harsh to them. It was physically impossible for him. He only ever wanted to protect them, nothing else. They were his priority.
"But seriously, don't hurt them. Protect them at all cost, all right? They deserve the best, and I know you can give it to them, Rem," James gave a lopsided smile and turned to the stove again.
"You know I will," Remus grinned, before leaving the room.
James added a few more ingredients, then turned off the stove. He was grabbing a couple of plates, when he heard Peter scream from the living room.
"Prongs, save me! I don't wanna third wheel anymore!"
James chuckled and snatched the pot, before exiting the kitchen. He laid the plates on the table along with the meal. "Now, stop torturing Wormy, will ya?" He grinned at the couple.
"It's not our fault we're so lovely," Sirius whined. He then grabbed Remus' face and smooched him on the lips.
"Ew, there are kids in here," Peter whimpered.
Sirius took one of the plates and grabbed the fork. "Come on, Wormy, you're just jealous of our happiness. I mean, who wouldn't want to hit this?" Sirius gestured to himself theatrically.
"Uh, thanks, but no," Peter scoffed. "I am content enough with Sybil. Not to disappoint you, but we're pretty happy together as well," he smiled proudly. "And anyway, if anyone here should be jealous, it's James. He's the only single one of us."
James choked on air as he heard him.
"Aw, is that so? Don't worry, Prongsie. We'll find you a nice girl," Sirius grinned at him, teasingly.
James shook his head as he let out a sonorous laugh, hiding his distress. "Come on, eat up, children."
They dined and talked, the sound of forks against the porcelain accompanied by laughter.
"Hey, do you think it was a good thing?" James asked them, as they were finishing their meal.
"What was?" Remus furrowed his eyebrows as he focused his eyes on James.
"Us joining the Order. I mean… Was it the right thing to do?" James passed on.
Remus sighed and put his fork down on the plate. "You know, I sometimes think about this too. Some of Dumbledore's ideas are… questionable, but isn't that just how he is? I don't know about you guys, but I think I trust him."
Sirius nodded. "Yeah, so do I," he said with his mouth full. "I mean, he hasn't given us a reason not to. What else were we supposed to do? Join the Deatheaters?" Sirius laughed.
Peter gave him a reassuring smile. "In Dumbledore we trust."
"My words exactly, Wormie," Sirius winked at him playfully.
James laughed to cover up his remaining doubt. "Yeah, guess you're right."
James wanted to tell them everything he knew. He wanted to let them know Dumbledore's faults, his wrongs, yet… How could he? They already had enough stress from the war. Making them question their leader wouldn't help anything right now. He couldn't do it now. Once, yes. Just not now. He wanted them to stay as content as they were now.