III
Voices. Sweat. Stuffy air. An arm over his bare waist. Regulus slowly opened his eyes to adjust to the light. He could feel the human warmth on the right side of his body and the breath on his neck. He growled and stretched out, as he attempted to slip from underneath his best friend's arm. He sat up and laid his bare feet on the cold floor. He shuffled through the covers and pile of clothes on the edge of the bed, until he found a shirt to wear. As he pulled the shirt over his head and stood up, his company woke up.
"W-where are you going?" Barty slurred, not fully sober yet. He had his arm reached out to stop the latter from leaving.
Regulus turned to him. "Shower," he answered, coldly. He shaked off Barty's hand of him and left to the bathroom. He locked the door and exhaled deeply, as he leaned against the wooden door.
Regulus wasn't sure when exactly it had started. Ever since their last year started, they had parties every other night. They ended up drunk and making stupid decisions, often making out with one another. One night, they crossed the line and him and Barty ended up bonding in a way they had never thought of. He found himself in situations he had never thought he would appear in with his best friend. And by the time December came, and the first sprigs began to freeze into gilded arms of the tree, they had a friends with benefits kind of thing going on.
The worst thing was, Regulus didn't feel guilty. He loved James, more than anything and anyone. He loved Barty too, but it wasn't the same. He loved them in two completely different ways. Regulus was okay with flirting with Barty, touching him in a way best friends probably shouldn't, giving in to his charms and sharing with him the parts of him he had never thought he would let Barty see. However, that was all. Barty was his best friend. No matter how many times they'd spent a night together, he would never feel any romantic feelings towards him. That part of his heart belonged to James and James only.
He let the hot water fall over his flushed face. He let it fall over the hickies, the marks that proved him guilty. To this day, it always seemed to remind him of the bruises his parents had left on him over that summer. Back then, he didn't even want to think about engaging in that kind of activity ever again. Not with anyone, not ever. However, as time passed, he began to crave it. He needed to cover up the parts of his body that once were painted blue and filthy with new memories. It didn't matter anymore who would make him forget, as long as he didn't have to think about it.
When he got back to Hogwarts after that excruciatingly long summer, not having James around to comfort him, he longed for someone to keep him distracted. This once, it was even a little more convenient that this person happened to be Barty. He knew what happened. He was there, after all. He wasn't the only one whose hands were covered with blood. He could still hear the screams of the innocent souls echoing through the silence. Barty understood, Barty knew.
Regulus sat down under the tree and laid down his books. He leaned his head back and inhaled the cold winter air. It was silent, not many people were out this early in this weather. He enjoyed it, however. He lived for moments like these, when he could enjoy his own company, could gather his thoughts and embrace himself with numbness. He loved to feel the coldness spread through his body into his bones.
He lit a cigarette, struggling with the wind a little. He let the smoke fill his lungs and the dizziness fill his brain. Not even alcohol could get him feeling this light and free like nicotine could. Maybe it just calmed him down, having something to fidget with in his hand. No matter the reason, it was helping. His anxiety subsided and he wasn't so tense anymore.
"Hey," Pandora hopped behind him suddenly, startling him.
"Shit," he quickly exhaled the excessive smoke and damped the cigarette against the stem.
"Not against the tree, Reg!" She hissed. "You know I saw that, right? It's no use in trying to hide it now," she laughed.
"Fuck, sorry," he brushed off the ashes of the tree. Pandora hated when they smoked, she always said they would get lung cancer and that it doesn't even taste good. He disagreed, but respected it and never smoked around her. Except for joints, that was. She always claimed marijuana at least has some effects on people, unlike nicotine. With this, he had to disagree as well, yet he loves her too much to argue about such silly things.
She came in closer and scrunched her nose at the cigarette odor. She stayed, anyway, and hugged him around his shoulders. "Are you staying for Christmas this year?"
He hummed. "Yeah, wanna stay with Ev and Barty for our last year."
She beamed at his answer. "We should all stay! I'll send an owl to my mom, she won't mind. We should spend our last Christmas at Hogwarts together."
Corners of his mouth twitched into a smile at her enthusiasm. "Sounds good."
There was silence, for a moment. "It's a pity Dorcas is not here," she sighed. "I miss them."
Regulus reached out and stroked her hand gently. "Yeah, so do I."
"You know how much they love Christmas," Pandora pouted. "Remember when they charmed the portraits to sing Christmas carols for the whole December in our fifth year?" She smiled at the memory.
Regulus used to despise Christmas songs. Well, everything about Christmas, actually. It was Dorcas who got him over his hatred for this holiday. They would knit sweaters and make gingerbreads all the time, until he admitted it was not that bad. Now all he could think about during Christmas was Dorcas. He still had the sweaters, there still were gingerbreads to eat, yet it wasn't the same. Dorcas filled these things with love. Their presence itself was like Christmas to Regulus. Christmas was supposed to feel like home, right? If Dorcas was a holiday, they would definitely be Christmas.
Weeks passed and the evening was finally here. All four of them gathered in the slytherin common room a little past eleven. They sneaked in some food from the Great hall and alcohol they had bought weeks prior in Hogsmeade. Barty's plant was seated on the table, Regulus' cat was comfortably stretched out in front of the fireplace. The tree was standing in the corner of the room, decorated with all kinds of stuff. They all hung something of their own on it and charmed it to shine in bright green and silver colours. On top of it was a star, Barty had charmed it to show the Leo constellation. The brightest of the stars was Regulus, of course. It lit up the room in the dark. Regulus sometimes thought it shined brighter than the actual star.
Regulus was wearing one of the many sweaters Dorcas had gifted him. This one was of wine red colour, perfectly colliding with his raven black hair. The sleeves reached the knuckles of his fingers, though it was not as long as the one James gave him. He preferred oversized tops, anyway.
Pandora was sipping on hot chocolate. She always did, these days. She said it helped her warm her hands up. She had a white spot on the tip of her nose from the whipping cream, though none of them had the heart to tell her so. She was always so happy when she had something sweet. Barty, on the contrary, already had a bottle of fire whiskey in his hand. Regulus never liked the taste of it, he knew Barty didn't either, though he drank it for the effects it had on him. Evan had a joint rolled and placed in between his pale lips, while rock music was echoing through the room. A bowl full of gingerbread was placed in the middle of the table. Dorcas had told them the recipe, yet it never tasted the same as Dorcas'.
"Do you have lots of short people in your family?" Evan asked, suddenly.
"No, I don't think so. Why?" Regulus shifted on the couch to face him.
"Your brother is the only one? Geez, must be tough" Barty exclaimed.
"Wait, hold on," Evan started, solemnly. "I mean, what if he's adopted?"
There was a moment of silence, until they all burst into laughter.
"I doubt that our parents would willingly adopt a child," Regulus scrunched his nose, "And definitely not Sirius."
"No, no, wait. He's onto something. What if not Sirius, but you are adopted," Barty joined in with the conspiracies. Regulus threw him a confused look, so he continued. "I mean, you're the children of incest, there must be something wrong with you. And on Sirius it inflicted with his height," he shrugged.
"Oh, you wanna know all the things that are wrong with me?" Regulus straightened up, ready to name it all.
"No, thank you. I don't think we need to be enlightened with your twisted thoughts," Barty laughed.
There was comfortable silence between them, before Evan spoke again.
"Do you wanna play a game?" he asked.
"What game?" Pandora snapped out of her thoughts at the mention of a game.
"Do you know what russian roulette is?" Evan took a final inhale from the joint before quenching it.
They all nodded in anticipation.
"Well, it's sort of similar to it," he said, as he sat up and pulled a knife out of his back pocket. It was a simple silver pocket knife with his initials carved into the handle. Evan then laid his hand on the table and spread out his fingers. "You stab the knife into the spaces in between your fingers as fast as possible and try not to cut off anything," he explained. He then thrusted the knife in between his middle and forefinger, still holding eye contact with Barty seated in front of him. "Wanna play, then?"
"You bet," Barty was eager to answer. He never backed out from something like this, no matter how dangerous it was.
Pandora just shrugged and shifted closer to have a better view at the knife.
"Guys, I really don't think this is a good idea," Regulus countered.
"Why? I wanna see some blood," Pandora leaned over Regulus' shoulder to examine if Evan actually didn't stab himself accidentally.
"You're all stupid," Regulus shook his head, but leaned closer to have a better view anyway.
"Okay, I'll start," Evan stated and gripped the knife stronger. He spread out the fingers of his left hand more, before thrusting the knife between them at a swift speed. He did two rounds and put the knife down. Not a scratch.
"Who's next?" He had a cocky smirk plastered on his face.
"I'll go," Barty took the knife and laid his right hand on the table.
"Well, that's not gonna end well," Regulus stated. Barty never made good decisions while being drunk, not that he made good ones while sober, but at least he was more careful in a not-affected-by-alcohol state.
"Just give him a chance," Evan chuckled, watching Barty intently.
Barty tried to spread his fingers as much as possible to get more space for the knife. He gripped the handle tighter, sent them one last smirk before stabbing the knife onto the table. They all watched the movements with his hand. His hands were trembling slightly, they always did when he drank. This could only end in a disaster.
Regulus wasn't wrong. Barty's ring finger twitched closer to his middle finger just when he was about to thrust the knife there. He failed to stop the knife and it pierced his skin and bone. Blood splattered on the table. Barty cursed loudly and lifted his hand to examine the wounds.
"It's not that bad, right?" His voice was shaky as he asked. His eyes were filled with tears, not allowing him a good look on the wounded fingers. Or, well, lack of.
"Barty, darling, they're still there," Pandora giggled, pointing her finger to the knife. Barty's two fingers were still laying at the blade, surrounded with blood.
Barty's eyes widened. "Fuck!" Evan couldn't contain his laughter at this point, grabbing his stomach in a series of wheezes.
Regulus rolled his eyes and reached out for his wand. "Give it to me," he mumbled as he grabbed Barty's wrist, pointing the wand to the knuckles. He muttered a spell under his breath and the wound closed up. It stopped bleeding, though his hands were still covered in the fluid.
Barty examined his hand, then turned to Regulus again. "What about the fingers? You won't stitch them back?"
Regulus scoffed. "Hardly, it's already healed." He stretched out his arm and grabbed a joint.
"Still hurts like a bitch, though," the brunette complained.
"Stop whining, at least you didn't bleed out."
"Doesn't bring my fingers back!" Barty retorted with a pout.
"Hey, stop. You played willingly, you knew this could happen," Evan recalled after he brushed the tears away from the corners of his eyes, the smile still present on his lips.
"Yeah, what he said," Regulus slurred with the cigarette in between his lips, lighting it. "And anyway, I don't know a spell to stitch it back."
"I do," Pandora intervened.
Barty gasped. "Why didn't you just say so?!"
The corners of her mouth twitched. "What's the fun in that?" She sipped on her drink with a wicked smile, then put the glass down. "Hey, what colour is Barty's blood?" She pondered.
"It's like," Regulus stopped to think, "It's like a stormy night. You're hiding under the bed with a knife cuz of an intruder."
Pandora nodded and examined the crimson liquid further. Barty rolled his eyes at them, not approving of them having fun on his account.
"This wouldn't have happened if Dorcas were here," Barty muttered.
"No shit, it wouldn't. They're the only one who can put you into your place, obviously," Regulus snapped. He reached for a shot of vodka then.
"Okay, what about we play a different game? Spin the bottle?" Evan suggested, to which they all nodded.
"But my fingers still hurt!" Barty whined, shoving his lack of fingers into their faces.
"You lost them, you moron. How can they hurt?" Evan retorted. He stood up then and grabbed some ice from the bucket in which they kept alcohol. He wrapped it in a napkin and handed it to Barty. "Can we play now?" Evan raised his eyebrows.
"Yeah, let's go," Regulus reached out and grabbed the empty bottle which used to store the fire whiskey Barty had drank. He cleaned out the space and laid it on the coffee table. He then spun it, the bottle making a screeching sound. Once it came to a halt, it landed on Regulus and Barty.
"Oh, for fuck's sake," Regulus cursed under his breath. Nothing good could come from a game with Barty.
Barty smirked and asked the question. "Truth," was Regulus' answer. It couldn't be that bad, right? Surely better than a dare.
"What do you think of James Potter?" Barty smirked, stressing the boy's name.
"I changed my mind, I pick dare," Regulus' cheeks turned bright pink at the mention of his boyfriend.
"What- You can't do that!" Pandora retorted with a pout.
"Shh, just go with it," Barty silenced her to Regulus' surprise. He would've awaited much more fuss about it. "I dare you to kiss the hottest person in this room." Ah, there it was. Of course Barty had a back up plan.
Regulus raised his own hand and kissed it. "There, are we done now?"
Barty sighed. "It can't be yourself, you prick." Regulus rolled his eyes. He leaned towards Pandora and caressed her neck, kissing her gently. It wasn't anything special, they were just friends and he wasn't attracted to girls. Pandora was just as gay as he was.
Once Regulus pulled away, he smirked. "What, did you expect me to kiss one of you two? I'm attracted to intelligence, which the two of you seem to lack."
Barty rolled his eyes. "Alright, let's just keep going." He spun the bottle. This time, it landed on Evan and Pandora. Evan chose truth. "Oh, oh. Can I ask the question?"
"No, fuck off. It's my time to shine," Pandora scoffed and leaned her head against her palms. She blinked seductively with those long eyelashes of hers while thinking about a proper question. "Are you still a virgin, Ev?" An innocent smile was decorating her light pink lips.
Evan chuckled and combed his hair with his hand. "I'm not a virgin, no," Evan said. "I've slept with girls before, blokes too. That's how I figured I don't want either. Right, Barty?" He grinned at the said boy, giving him a mischievous wink. Barty just averted his gaze, an unusual behavior for the usually excessively expressive boy. Regulus watched him fidget with his fingers under the table.
"Hold on. You guys hooked up?" Pandora asked with her mouth ajar in shock. Regulus shot her an obscure glare, attempting to stop her from questioning any further.
"Yeah, a couple times. He was the first guy I've ever been with. Definitely did not disappoint," Evan chuckled.
"Alright, I think that's enough. I don't need to hear details about your love life, Evan," Regulus interrupted those two.
"I don't have one, though! It's all in the past, really. I'm not interested in any relationships nor hook ups right now. I don't think I ever will be, actually," the blonde confessed.
Regulus sighed. "Alright, still. I need a break. Anyone up for a fag? Barty?" He turned to the said boy with raised eyebrows. Barty nodded and immediately stood up.
"Don't continue without us!" Barty yelled to them on the way to their dorm room. Once they got in, he went straight for his bedside table where he kept his cigarettes. Regulus in the meantime opened the window, leaning against the wall while he waited for Barty to come.
"You alright?" Regulus asked as he watched his best friend struggle with the lighter.
Barty hissed as the teeth biting at his lip pierced the skin. Regulus took the lighter from him and lit the cigarette with one smooth move. He handed it to Barty, then lit his own.
There was silence. They were both leaning over the window, smoke flowing upwards into the starry sky. They could see the stars' reflection in the lake. The crescent moon was shining right next to Sirius. Regulus found it silly. Sirius was always so close to Remus, yet they never discovered the feelings they held for each other. Everyone knew, everyone except them. Regulus thinks he would notice such a thing. He would know if his best friend was in love with him, right? He could sense it between Barty and Evan, though it has faded throughout these past few months. Perhaps it was Regulus' fault, perhaps it was something totally different. But he would know. He would notice.
"It wasn't just a friendly fuck for you, was it?" Regulus asked. The cigarette was close to burning the tips of his fingers, yet he was too deep in his thoughts to notice. Too deep to care.
Barty exhaled the smoke, not looking at him. "No. No, it wasn't," he confessed. "It never is for me."
"Yeah… I figured."
Regulus would notice if his best friend felt something more for him. He just chose to pretend he didn't.