Stars Will Fall

July 1968

When Regulus was younger, around seven years old, he made a resolution. He will spend the rest of his life standing by his brother. He was too young and too naive to understand that it's simply not possible. He could always try, but it's like he was destined to fail. He never gave up on trying. His brother, on the other hand, eventually did.

"Keep your eyes closed and don't make a sound, okay?" Sirius said in hushed tones, making sure his brother is comfortable in the cupboard.

"They won't hurt you, will they?"

Sirius hesitated. "No. I'll come back for you. Stay here, Reggie," he replied sternly, as he turned on his heel and left.

Regulus knew his brother was lying. He learnt to detect that much. Each time Sirius ordered him to stay hidden until he came back for him, he returned restless and bruised. He didn't know exactly what was happening behind the closed door, he couldn't hear anything through the charms Sirius put on the cupboard, but he could make out that much, that Sirius is protecting him with his life.

He wanted to reciprocate it. He wanted to protect and defend his brother the way he used to do it for him.

Later on, he learnt what was happening behind the closed door.

20th December 1972

Regulus noticed things beginning to shift in his first year at Hogwarts.

From the first moment Sirius introduced him to his best friend, he had decided to hate him with his whole heart. He could sense how Sirius' heart was slowly pushing him out to make more space for James Potter.

Regulus never saw his brother without him. Where was Sirius, there was James. It was as if James was a better brother to him than he could ever be. And deep down, he knew it wasn't James' fault, yet still he couldn't bring himself not to blame him for it all.

The first time he got a moment with his brother alone, it was Christmas break. Sirius nearly didn't come at all, he had wanted to spend the holidays with the Potters, but their parents had forbidden it, naturally. They care about other people's opinions more than about their own children, and what would they think if they found out that the Black heir had dined with blood traitors on Christmas Eve? Nothing good, they were eager to tell them.

Regulus took hesitant steps towards his brother's room. The door was opened, yet he still knocked softly on the wooden door frame to let him know about his presence. Sirius turned around from where he was fixing his hair in the mirror, just to smile at him graciously. He made a movement with his head, nudging his brother further into his room. He made his way towards him and grabbed the tie from his hands to put it around his neck. "Looking forward for the gifts?"

"Hm, not really," Regulus replied dryly. Sirius' grin slowly faded.

"I know our family is a bit... different, but we can still try and enjoy this, yeah? You've always loved Christmas," he tried again. "And I have a feeling Santa has something really special for you this year"

"Am I not good enough?" Regulus inquired, his voice a mere whisper.

Sirius almost choked on the air. He gazed at him, gloom taking over his eyes. "No. No, of course you are! You are more than anyone could ever wish for, why would you ever doubt that?" Sirius furrowed his brows.

"I just- you-" he took a deep breath, trying to search for the right words in the back of his mind. "You seem so close with James and I..."

"Reggie, James is my best friend. He is just my best friend. you will always be my little brother," Sirius elaborated, as he let go of the tie around the younger's neck. "There's nothing that would tear me away from you," Sirius smiled.

Regulus repaid him the smile. He looked down at his already tied tie.

"Will you show me how you tied it?" he asked hesitantly, as if he was afraid his brother would refuse. Of course he didn't. He just nodded and began the process all over again.

How could I be so stupid? Regulus thought. Of course he wouldn't replace me, I'm his brother. He wouldn't replace me. He won't.

Regulus thought back to this moment a year later, thinking how naive he was to believe that.

25th December 1973

"When are you coming home? I'm... I'm scared," Regulus asked, hopeful for an answer that would satisfy him.

"I'm not, Reggie. You know I'm not."

Regulus already knew that, of course he did, but it still hurt. Because there might had been a part of him that still believed, his brother would stay with him.

Sirius tried to make him leave with him. Maybe he should had just agreed, but it's too late for that now.

"Just stay with them, then! it's better for everyone!" Sirius shouted. His eyes glistened with tears.

And he was right, it is better this way. It has to be. They couldn't just leave, right? Not both of them. One of them had to stay behind.

Regulus remembered a promise he had made to himself years ago. He would protect his brother, like he once protected him. He smiled to himself. He succeeded. He is protecting his big brother.

"You did this to yourself, you know that," Sirius said, before turning to leave.

That was the last time Regulus saw Sirius at home.

14th April 1974

They didn't talk for three years.

Regulus tried to avoid him, at first. He would take the longer way to classes just to not meet his brother. After a couple of weeks, he figured he didn't have to do any of that. Sirius wasn't paying attention to him, when they were in the same room. His eyes didn't land on him, not once. He was ignoring his entire existence. To him, Regulus just, simply, ceased to exist.

Regulus would stare at him, at the way he was looking at James. At the way they talked, they laughed. They used to laugh like that together.

How can one person be the source of so much pain? He wondered.

No matter how much he missed Sirius, he never admitted it. Each time his friends would find him staring at him in the great hall, he would avoid any questions relating to it.

And no matter how much he blamed James for what happened, he couldn't hate him.

James was the kind of person you just couldn't hate, and Regulus despised this. He despised that he stole his brother away from him. He despised the way he was so kind to him all the time. He despised how he tried to get close to him. He despised how deep down, he began to like him.

It wasn't fair, it really wasn't. He hated James even more than his parents, at least he tried to, yet he couldn't help enjoying his presence. Each time James showed up, the sun seemed to shine just a little brighter, and his heart started beating a little faster. He couldn't help it, there was just something so mesmerising about James Potter. He was an open book, and he found himself wanting to read every single chapter of him. He was an open book, yet he felt like he was missing something.

He hated how he wanted to surrender to him. Because deep down he knew, if anyone asks, his brother is Sirius. But Sirius' brother is James. He hated how he couldn't hate either of them.

8th December 1975

When Sirius left, part of Regulus left too. His happiness, his excitement for life. There was nothing he could do to fill that hole in his heart. 

At the dining table, there was always one empty chair. When he opened the door to his room, it was just a room. It was no longer filled with the excruciatingly positive energy that seemed to always surround Sirius. The hallways were suddenly so quiet, and he couldn't help feeling so alone.

After Sirius left, their parents began to acknowledge Regulus' presence much more. all the pain he used to once feel only through the locked door of his room, he now felt committed on his own skin. He could feel it flooding through his veins, rushing all the way to his brain, making him feel numb and dead. Like a living corpse.

The only thing keeping him going, was the thought of finally truly understanding his brother.

They've hurt him too in the past, of course, but it never got as bad as when Sirius left. As if they had to inflict the pain on someone.

He never told anyone what was happening. You did this to yourself, he always reminded himself. He didn't feel worthy of help. He didn't want to be saved.

Nonetheless, James Potter seemed not to take no for an answer.

He would always show up out of nowhere, as if he knew exactly where Regulus was. Studying in the library? He was there. People watching in the corridors? Of course he showed up. Stargazing at the astronomy tower? He came before Regulus could even realise how cold it was that night.

And that's when it happened. Until this day, Regulus doesn't know what it really was that did it for him back then, but something just seemed to click. As he had James Potter pinned against the wall, his wand aimed at his throat, their faces so close. He could have killed him, still the only thing James could let out was: "you are so beautiful."

Regulus was caught off guard. Not only was it the first time he was told this, it was such a strange situation to tell it to someone. James was just so strange, he couldn't figure out what was going on in that head of his no matter how much he tried. And that night, he didn't want to try. 

As James cupped his cheek with his right hand, he slowly put down his wand and let himself surrender. 

They kissed so slowly, so tenderly. He wanted to hate it, the fact that James Potter was his first kiss, the fact he liked it so much, yet he didn't. Because you love him, something deep down in him kept telling him, you love him, love him, love him.

When they pulled apart, he wanted to run. He wanted to turn around, leave and never face James again. And yet, he stayed. It was as if he was glued to the floor. He didn't move an inch. He couldn't, or he didn't want to. They just stood there, James' hand gently on his neck, and Regulus' fisting on his shirt. Somehow, he felt safer than ever before.

It was for the first time in a long time, that Regulus felt loved.

After Regulus gathered all of his consciousness, which seemed to had left his body once their lips collided, he wanted nothing more than to just curl up and die, right then and there. His cheeks coloured pink with embarrassment, he turned away his gaze. He couldn't bear to look into James' eyes right now. Maybe not ever. Because something in his eyes was shining with pure and unconditional love. It was overwhelming, even. 

"Hey, Reg, look at me," James murmured.

Still enthralled from their kiss, Regulus did as he asked him. He looked up at him, his eyes a bit glossy.

"You don't ever have to pretend. Not with me. Not ever."

And then, James kissed him again. Maybe it was meant to emphasize that he meant what he just said, but Regulus didn't care. He leaned in into the kiss, paying attention only to the way their lips were moving together. They were in complete sync. As if they were one soul.

Regulus is never going to forget the smiles they exchanged afterwards.

19th December 1975

Regulus couldn't help himself, he really couldn't. He couldn't face James up until the last day before their Christmas break. He did everything in his powers, not to accidentally bump into James.

However, he had to face his problems, no matter how pleasant his heart considered them.

Regulus is, nonetheless, still Regulus. And instead of outright confronting James, he let him catch him. So when James cornered him near the great hall before dinner, he let him.

"We need to talk," James said simply, dragging Regulus with him further away from the crowded cafeteria.

"You can't keep doing this," James sighed, once they stopped moving.

"Doing what?" Regulus let out quietly. 

"Doing- avoiding me! You keep running away from me, as if I was gonna hurt you!"

Silence. Regulus said nothing. He averted his gaze to his shoes, which were suddenly much more interesting.

"Oh. Oh, Reggie, no. You know I would never," James gently cupped the younger's face, making him look at him.

"I'm sorry," Regulus mumbled.

James leaned his forehead onto Regulus'.

"You know I would never," he repeated in hushed tones.

24th December 1975

Regulus was curled up in a fetal position. He was lying on sirius' bed, just breathing in the scent of it. Sometimes, he would just go to his room and lie there, imagining Sirius was there with him. The covers no longer smelled like him, though, and the undying optimism has long been banished from the room. Regulus was alone.

Blood was dripping down his legs, just like the tears down his cheeks. Is this what they'd been doing to Sirius, before he left? If so, he doesn't want to think about it. He doesn't want to imagine his brother in such pain.

He felt used and filthy. He felt unworthy.

Toujours pur.

How ironic, he thought. The noble house of Black, always pure, yet so impure. 

He reached out to grab his wand and, hands shaky, casted a spell to lock the door. He knew he was gonna get in trouble. Not just with his parents, but might as well with the ministry. He wasn't of age, therefore, he couldn't use magic out of Hogwarts. Yet, he didn't care. Not now. Not here. In Sirius' room, he was cut off from reality, from the outer world. He was safe. At least for now.

On Christmas 1975, Regulus was alone and hurt.

January 1976

Regulus was doing it again.

He was avoiding social interactions in every possible, sometimes even impossible, way. He was isolating himself, not letting in even Barty nor Evan. Not even Pandora. And even he had to admit, it was really bad, when he was ignoring even Pandora. No one ever ignores her, it's Pandora. She gets a laugh out of you no matter the circumstances. Yet, he still drove her, too, away.

The person he was avoiding the most, however, was James. Regulus knew if he came in contact with him, he would break. James Potter seems to bring him this weird sort of comfort he had never received from anyone. So naturally, Regulus avoids James as much as possible. but James is still James, and despite being an open book, he's somehow so mysterious and always manages to find him.

Regulus was in the most abandoned part of the castle. Literally nobody goes in there anymore, except him. He likes to bring a book or two along, just enjoying the silence. Until a particular gryffindor decided to disrupt his peace.

"Hey," he started softly, right after he pulled the invisibility cloak off of himself. Regulus had an inner heart attack, then caught up with the situation and began to pack his things swiftly. "Hey, Reg, wait. Can we just-"

James touched his shoulder to somehow make him face him, surprisingly succeeding. "No," was the only thing Regulus said, then grabbed his bag and proceeded to walk off.

James being James, didn't leave him alone just so easily. 

"Can we please talk-"

"No."

"But-"

"No."

"Reg i-"

"I don't wanna hear it, James," Regulus said through gritted teeth.

James let out an exasperated sigh and abruptly pinned Regulus against the nearest wall.

"What happened?"

Regulus felt tears well up in his eyes. 

"You're hurting me," he whispered.

James, as if taken out of a trance, let go of his wrists immediately.

"Shit, I'm- i'm sorry, Reg. You know i didn't-"

Regulus didn't let him finish. "Don't touch me," he pushed him off himself and walked away. This time, without James trailing after him.

He knew it wasn't his fault. How could it? James had no idea what had happened that Christmas. What he feared the most, though, was James telling his brother about all this. What if he figures out what happened? What if he comes to talk to him? He doesn't want to see him right now. He can't.

Yet after a few days, nothing happened. And Regulus didn't know how to feel about that. Happy, that James could keep a secret? Or perhaps disappointed, that Sirius just simply didn't care about his little brother? He truly had no idea. Nonetheless, he was glad he didn't have to talk about it. 

It made him feel weak, and he didn't want to feel weak. Not now, not ever. Never again.

April 1976

Regulus started spending much more time in the library, searching up various protecting spells. He wanted to be able to defend himself. He had learnt how to cast a shield around himself, which would be really helpful in certain situations. He had also started learning how to cast a patronus, though he couldn't figure out what memory to use. Nothing was strong enough.

It was late at night, a warm spring breeze was crawling up his spine, as he was turned to face the stars.

He closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath. 

"Expecto patronum!" 

His wand let out spurts of light blue. Regulus held his breath in anticipation. Nothing happened. Regulus grunted and brushed his hand through his hair frustratingly, muttering curses under his breath.

He had to think of something stronger. He had to think deeper. He already tried most of his happy memories from school, but there's not many happy memories from his childhood he could use. Unless...

He straightened up and raised his wand again. He took a deep breath and held it. Closing his eyes, he cast the spell.

'You will always be my little brother.'

"Expecto patronum!"

Regulus beamed at his wand. The familiar spurts of cornflower blue began to stream from the tip of his wand, this time reaching the steel railing. It continued further, floating under the stars whilst forming into a very familiar animal. 

The stream of magic darkened, scaring Regulus a little, but then, it happened. A black dog was sitting there, hovering in the air in front of him. It beamed at him with those big gray eyes, which felt far more familiar than they should. The dog started running around, plunging onto Regulus and pushing him to the ground. It licked his face, then cuddled to his side. 

Regulus just sat there in shock, taking a few moments to take this all in. His patronus is a dog. A big black dog, whose eyes strangely remind him of his brother's. The brother whose star is in a dog constellation. This can't be just a coincidence.

Regulus lifted his hand and hesitantly petted the dog's head. The dog leaned into his touch and barked happily. Regulus let out a giggle, a sudden rush of joy engulfing him. He shifted closer to the dog and scratched him behind the ear. The dog barked again, his tail beginning to wiggle around. 

Regulus' eyes began to fill with tears. It all felt so overwhelming. He knew this dog wasn't his brother, yet he couldn't help feeling so content about this all. He felt safe, the sort of safe he used to feel around his brother, when he was younger. When Sirius used to protect him from their parents all the time. Regulus never really understood why he always did that. Sirius could've gotten out of it without a scratch, yet he risked everything just to save him. He often even went as far as taking guilt for the things Regulus did. Regulus always aspired to be as brave as his brother.

The dog licked his hand softly. It cuddled closer onto his lap and slowly began to vanish. 

"Wait, no!" Regulus tried to hold onto it. The dog was practically melting in his hands. Regulus stared at his own palms, trying to keep himself together. But he couldn't.

Regulus blinked, the tears which began to well up in his eyes fell down his cheeks, one by one, giving the boy's face a salty flavour. He broke down crying, not able to keep up with his sobs. He was choking on them. He felt absolutely and completely pathetic.

30th April 1976

Regulus felt betrayed. 

It was just seven in the morning, he was getting out of shower, still not fully awake having just woken up minutes ago. And as he was leaving the bathroom, those traitors who call themselves his friends cornered him, demanding from him to talk about his feelings.

"We're not letting you leave this room until you talk to us," Barty started, getting straight to the point.

"You know he's persistent. He's able to keep you here for weeks," Evan warned, even though they have gathered that much from the years of sharing a room with Barty. He's no better than a spoiled child who didn't get what they asked their daddy for. He actually is exactly that, his father never seemed to have given him the love and affection Barty so badly yearns for. 

Barty raised his eyebrows and leaned even closer to him, if it was any possible. 

"Here. I talked. Can I go now?" Regulus repaid him with the same attitude.

"Don't fuck around, Reg. This is serious." Barty actually seemed desperate. He was trying to keep his cool, but Regulus knew him long enough to know what he feels just by the way he looks at him. 

Regulus rolled his eyes, still not willing to talk with his best friends.

"Barty.." Evan gestured to him to put more space between them.

"Our point is, you've been acting weird," Evan furrowed his eyebrows and corrected himself, "different than usual. And we're worried."

"And would love for you to actually communicate with us," Barty added.

Regulus sighed.

"I don't wanna talk about it, guys."

He could see his friends' eyes soften.

"You don't have to, then. But… Can we help?" Evan stepped closer to them.

Regulus bit his lip. He really had no idea how to cope with this. So far, he's been just trying to pretend it never even happened. And he failed even in that. Everytime he was alone, memories started flooding up his brain. Everytime he was showering, he still saw the bruises they left on him. He still felt just as filthy. He never wanted to come back.

"I don't wanna go home," he whispered, not even sure what kind of answer he expected.

"Well, we can work with that," Barty started, enthusiastically. "You can go to ours for summer. I'm sure my parents won't mind, my dad doesn't acknowledge my existence most of the time."

Evan nodded. "Yeah, mine won't either. Or we would just sneak you in, they wouldn't notice," Evan said, getting a laugh out of Regulus.

"Thanks.. I'm sorry I was avoiding you," he looked down. He actually felt quite guilty for it. It wasn't their fault, what happened.

"Nah, it's okay. Just… don't do it again," Evan gave him a threatening look.

"Next time we won't wait till you finish showering, we'll just join you and deal with it right then and there. Like real men," Barty stated, to which they all laughed.

Regulus made up his mind that day, he shouldn't deal with it all on his own. He knew he would probably do it again, he's too stubborn, but he seems to enjoy giving empty promises.

For now, he wanted to stick to it. Later that day, they all met up. Just to hang out around the castle. They weren't making Regulus' recent distancing a big deal, they knew it would trigger him and he might close up again. He appreciates this about them a lot. Without saying a word, they know what he needs. They're his real family. Screw blood. 

16th June 1976

Their fourth year was slowly coming to an end. They'd finished all of their exams, now mostly just wandering around the castle and enjoying the presence of one another. Pandora dragged him on picnics a lot, trying to get him connected to nature. Regulus never admitted it, but he loves it. And he knows Pandora knows that. She knows him better than anyone. She was also the first one Regulus told he's gay to. He was never afraid to say anything around her. Even if he confessed a murder, she would help him hide the body. And he would do the same for her.

That's why he was avoiding her, earlier that year. He knew he would break down as soon the two of them were alone. And that's exactly what happened.

Pandora was, of course, expecting this, so she was well prepared. She brought lots of snacks, blankets and also tissues for their little picnic. They sat near the forbidden forest, enjoying the contrast between the two lands. The forest was always dark and grim, no matter the weather or season. It was a lovely sunny day, the rays dancing on their skin, so the difference was especially noticeable. Regulus loved this.

"Reg," Pandora looked at him, with so many emotions visible in her eyes. This alone was enough to break him.

The first tears began to drag themselves out from within him, making their way to the surface. Despite the hot weather, a wave of chills ran up his spine. He shivered, not able to stop shaking. He didn't even notice when he started sobbing. He suddenly felt thin arms snake around him. To his own surprise, he melted into the touch. He clung onto her like a baby to its mother. Oh, how much he missed her. 

She didn't ask any questions. She understood, just from the look in his eyes. Just from the way his body spoke to her. Normally, Regulus finds this creepy, but now he doesn't care. He only wants to relish in this moment, stay here as long as possible. And Pandora didn't mind. They stayed there, in each other's arms, for what felt like hours. Neither of them knew how much time actually passed, but neither of them cared.

"I'm sorry," he sobbed into her shoulder.

"I know," she whispered, her voice shaky.

"I hate them."

"I know."

Regulus didn't have to expand, didn't have to add any more useless words. She knew. She understood him. 

She rocked them slowly, from side to side. Whispered comforting words into his dark curls. She held him, made him feel safe. And Regulus really, really needed that.

June 1976

By the time school ended, Regulus made up with James. He was, once again, on the astronomy tower late at night. 

He walked in and leaned against the railing. Neither Regulus or Sirius were visible this time of the year, but he still enjoyed watching the other stars. Though, none of them shined as bright as the two of them.

James turned up just a couple minutes later. He always seems to know when Regulus is around. He hesitantly stood by the entrance.

"You can come closer. Don't worry, I don't bite," Regulus called out to him. He was done avoiding people. At least for now.

He could feel James' presence so close to him. He dared to turn around, suddenly facing the other boy. And oh was he right, James stood so close to him. 

"I'm sorry," Regulus spoke, breaking the silence.

"No, I'm so-"

"James, let me finish," he sighed. "I'm sorry I avoided you. I just- I just needed space," Regulus reasoned. James smiled at him, washing the stress off of Regulus.

"Reg, it's okay. We all need a little space sometimes."

Regulus flicked his gaze from his eyes to his lips. He looked back into his eyes hopefully. Okay, now's the time. If he's gonna do it, he's gonna do it now.

He cupped James' cheeks, bringing him in into a kiss. James seemed taken aback, but it didn't take him long to caress Regulus' sides. His hands traveled up and down, from his waist to his back. 

Regulus had to remind himself more than once that it was James, who was touching him. It was James, the boy who would rather die than hurt him. It's not them, they won't hurt him now. Not here.

Their kiss was so gentle and slow. It made Regulus' heart run laps around the place. Once it was over, they leaned their foreheads together. James leaned in once again to quickly peck his lips, then held his hand and gave it a gentle kiss as well. They stood there and watched the stars, no words needed. They felt comfortable enough in the silence.

They spent the night there. Held hands, watched the stars, shared tender kisses and touches. James made Regulus feel like no one ever did. Regulus couldn't describe the feeling, but he liked how it flooded through his chest, making it feel all warm. 

They were lying on the ground next to each other. The moonlight was hitting their faces, James claimed it made Regulus look even more perfect. James was currently counting his freckles. Regulus found it adorable, though he didn't let him know that. 

"They look like stars," James said.

Regulus felt so in love.

"Was it something I did that made you avoid me?" James asked, later that night.

"No. No, it wasn't," Regulus frowned. "It wasn't anything to do with you. I'm sorry."

Regulus didn't want to explain any further, and he didn't have to. James didn't ask about it. He respected it. He just kissed his forehead and held him close, until they both fell asleep.

Regulus woke up, seeing James' face first thing in the morning. The sun rays danced on his russet brown skin, making him look prettier than ever. James opened his eyes, locking them with Regulus'. He's never felt better.

July 1976

From Hogwarts, Regulus went straight to Barty's. He had sent an owl to his parents and they agreed for him to spend some time there. He was actually surprised at how easy they just let him go, but he didn't question it. He was glad to be out of there.

Evan often came over as well, the three of them hanging out in Barty's room most of the time. Barty had shown them a new plant of his, though he didn't mention where he got it. He owned a lot of plants, but this one, this one was special. One night, when Evan was sleeping over, they decided to smoke it. Because what better use would be out of a marijuana plant? 

The three of them were lying on the floor of Barty's room, passing the joint around. 

"I'll name him Regan," Barty stated, suddenly.

"Name who?" Evan lifted his head from the floor, his eyes red and hooded.

"His kid, you idiot," Regulus hit him playfully with his foot.

"You have a kid? Kurwa, congrats, man! Can I be the godfather?" Regulus snickered at the way Evan just went with it.

"Shut up, you prick. I meant my plant," Barty sucked in the smoke, blowing it directly onto Regulus' face. Regulus inhaled deeply. 

"Why? It's a stupid name," Evan muttered.

"It's your two's names mixed together."

"But Regan? Couldn't you come up with something better?" Regulus furrowed his brows.

"Would you prefer Evulus?" Barty joked and leaned on his elbow, his face close to Regulus'.

"Eh, you're right."

Barty laughed and nodded. He passed him the joint, staring at him while Regulus inhaled the smoke.

"Wait, that's why your sarracenia is named Dordora?" Evan asked suddenly.

Barty shrugged and took back the joint.

"I pity your future kid, mate," Evan trailed off.

Most of the time at Barty's they were either high, getting drunk, or hung over. His father was at the ministry a lot, and his mother was too busy with other things to notice the lack of alcohol in their pantry. Though, they didn't drink too much of it. Evan got drunk after three shots of vodka and Barty was no better. Regulus figured he must have a high alcohol tolerance, though he didn't mind much. Someone had to be the supervisor for those two.

Regulus stayed over at Barty's for three weeks. Once it was time for him to leave, Barty packed him a goodbye gift, containing a pack of joints. They hugged, then Regulus left with the floo powder.

The house was quiet, the only source of noise being the clock hanging on the wall. He used the opportunity and quickly walked to his room, where he then proceeded to lock himself. He didn't come out for the rest of the day.

The first week back home, he came out only at night. He grabbed some food, bottles of water (one of gin) and swiftly returned to the safety of his room. He spent his days reading books and getting high. One night, when he was too bored and too high to think sensibly, he went out. He was smoking by his window, when he got the idea. So he jumped. Fortunately for him, it wasn't too high or he would have broken his leg. 

He wandered around the street for a while. The moon was bright and the stars even brighter. Cool summer breeze messed up his hair, pushing it onto his face. As he was getting closer to the park, he spotted a pair of glowing yellowish eyes. He tilted his head, now making eye contact with the creature. It hesitantly crawled out of the shadows. Regulus took slow careful steps towards it, not wanting to scare it. When he was close enough, he crouched down and stretched out his right arm. It snifled him, its whiskers tickling his pale skin. 

"Hey, little one," he whispered. He gently lifted the black kitten up onto his lap. Its big eyes were glancing right at him. He noticed a thin scar marched across its small nose. 

"Mhm, where did you get that," he muttered.

He looked around, in case there would be more of them, or at least its mother. He walked closer to the tall trees, checking the exact spot the kitten crawled out of. Nothing in there. He glanced at the kitten. It glanced back at him. "Guess it's just you and me, little one."

He cradled the kitten close to his chest and gingerly made his way back to the house. Once he reached the entrance, he hid the kitten under his hoodie. He opened the door, careful not to make a sound. He turned around and froze. His mother was standing right by the staircase. He just stared at her, wide eyed like a deer caught in headlights. 

"Where were you?" She barked out, her jaw tightly clenched. He could see the veins on her neck.

"Nowhere," he whispered.

"Why are you sneaking in, then? If you weren't anywhere?"

He didn't answer. They both stood there in silence for a couple of minutes, before his mother spoke again.

"You're lucky I don't have my wand with me right now," she muttered. "I wanna see you at lunch tomorrow. We're having guests. Don't be late," she turned to leave, but then added, "And wear something nice, Merlin. Don't you dare show up in this," she looked him up and down in disgust before leaving.

The whole time, he clutched onto his waist and prayed the little kitten under his hoodie wouldn't make a sound. He ran up to his room and locked the door. He threw himself on the bed, then, and let the kitten crawl out. Its little paws stumbled on his chest and walked all the way up to his neck, where it laid down and made itself comfortable. His eyes felt heavy, just like his head. He fell asleep.

August 1976

The summer is nearly over, and Regulus fortunately hasn't been in a situation where any of the protection spells he's learnt were needed. Most of the time, it was just him and his cat. His parents hadn't figured out her presence yet, and Regulus wasn't exactly planning to tell them. It would be like telling them where exactly they should hit him for it to hurt. Like telling them his weak spot. And he's not that stupid, thank you very much.

However, he is stupid enough to go down for a dinner with guests, while being totally high. It was his last joint, and he wanted to make the most of it. Obviously, he wasn't planning to go down and talk to his sweet parents. The idea occurred to him later, when he was in a state to give away his kidney to a stranger and be absolutely okay with it. 

Regulus was laying on the ground, petting his kitten. Her fur felt so soft, softer than before. Though that might just be the weed. He could hear muffled voices from downstairs. He tried to focus on it, but he couldn't make out what they were saying no matter how hard he tried. When suddenly, it occurred to him. His head snapped up to check the time. It was six o'clock. Shit. 

He stood up, his head spinning, making him stumble a couple times. The cat purred and jumped on his bed, making herself comfortable. He inhaled the smoke one last time, before stubbing the cigarette.

He quickly put on his white button down. It was all crinkled, but he didn't care. He combed his hand through his hair and unlocked the door.

As he walked down the stairs, the voices got progressively louder. He stepped into the dining room. Ten pairs of eyes were curiously watching him, one burning with flames. Walburga excused herself and dragged Regulus out of the room. 

"What do you think you're doing?" she hissed.

"Having dinner with my lovely family?"

She scoffed. "You're late. And for god's sake, look at you! What are you wearing?! Are you trying to make me look neglectful in front of them? To make me look like a bad mother?"

"I don't have to try," he retorted.

He could see her eyes darkening. 

"So that's what this is about, huh? You think I'm a bad mother to you? You think I'm not doing enough for you? I gave up everything in my life for you and your traitor of a brother! You're so fucking ungreatful. Sometimes I ask myself if you're really my son."

He laughed breathlessly. "Yeah, right. Such a disappointment."

Walburga's eyes stayed focused on Regulus' for a little too long. He could see the exact moment when a metaphorical lightbulb lit above her head. 

"You're high?"

The question went through his body, dropping at the bottom of his stomach like a heavy rock. He gulped down hard.

"You're high," she sucked in the air sharply. She shook her head in disbelief. Then, it happened. He was, least to say, not at all prepared for this. He knew it would happen sooner or later again, he did. Yet, he could never truly prepare for the pain. "Crucio!"

He hunched down, feeling the pain pulsating from deep within his stomach to the very tips of his fingers. His knees buckled, and he fell to the floor. He screamed in agony, yet no one would help him. He was alone.

Regulus felt like it was hours that he was huddled up on the floor. The discomfort was coming to life deep inside him, tearing him apart. 

Suddenly, it weakened. The glimmer of magic stopped spreading pain around his body and he could breathe again. He looked up at his mother.

"Imperio," she casted the spell as she got closer. "Get changed. Wear something presentable. Be back in five."

She then left the room, leaving him alone and trembling.

1st September 1976

"Reg, don't take this personally, but what is that?" Evan questioned, as soon as he noticed the black ball of fur laying curled up on Regulus' lap. 

"Oh, this? That's Dandelion. I found her in the park close to my house," he smiled down at the cat.

"Is Dandelion gonna be staying with us for long?" Barty was the one to ask, now.

Regulus hummed in approval. "I'm not giving her up," he stated.

"Alright then, we shall welcome Dandy as one of us," Barty nodded and moved closer to pet the cat.

Soon enough, Pandora and Dorcas walked in as well.

"Oh my god, that's adorable!" Pandora squealed and ran up towards Dandy. 

"What's her name?" she asked enthusiastically.

"Dandelion."

"Adorable! Can we keep her?"

"Of course. She's not going anywhere," Regulus frowned.

"So, how was your summer?" Evan asked, the question directed to whomever answered first.

"Spent the whole summer with McKinnon. And let me tell you, she's insufferable," Dorcas sighed.

"Isn't she your girlfriend?" Barty questioned.

"Yeah, doesn't mean I can't find her annoying."

"You love her," Barty grinned at them.

"Shut up."

Dorcas blushed dark red and looked away. Them and Marlene started going out earlier that year, or at least that's how they said it. They started dating in March, then. Regulus truly thinks there couldn't be a better match for Cas than Marlene. They complete each other in a way no one can explain. Something like him and James.

"How were the three of you doing? Heard you stayed over at Barty's, Reg?" Pandora asked with those big curious eyes of hers.

"Just the first month, then I went home."

"We cleared out Barty's parents' alcohol pantry," Evan added.

"Oh, and I have a new plant," Barty reached out for his bag, from which he then proceeded to pull out a green and black decorated pot with his marijuana in it. "His name's Regan."

"He's lasted you till now? I was expecting it either to die or you to smoke it all by now," Evan teased.

"Fuck off, Rosier. Unlike you, I am actually able to keep something alive."

"Okay, but like… Regan? Barty, you're shit at names," Dorcas trailed off.

"I know, right?! I told him so, too!" 

Barty hit him by the head. "Shut up, I like it."

Regulus rolled his eyes at them and returned his attention to his cat. Dandy was contently purring on his lap, her paws gently tugging on the side of his jeans. He scratched her behind the ears.

"No matter the name, you're still gonna ask me to let you smoke it," Barty exclaimed after a moment.

"You bet we will," Evan winked at him.

Barty rolled his eyes, but Regulus could see the blush crawling up to his cheeks. Barty has been oddly flustered around Evan lately, and Regulus thinks he's finally coming to understand why. He never straight up admitted it, but everyone could see he loves Evan a little more than the others. The way his face lights up each time Evan walks into the room. Evan is just special to him.

Regulus couldn't tell if Evan feels the same. It's more complicated with him. Of course, Evan playfully flirts with him all the time. But he does that with everyone, not just Barty. And he could clearly tell how much that annoys Barty. Each time Evan says something flirty to anyone but him, it's like he forgets what boundaries even are. He's able to drag Evan away from the person if he has to, just so he wouldn't have to see him talk like that to anyone but him. He wants to keep him just for himself, even though he knows that's not possible.

Evan never dated anyone, at least not publicly. But Regulus thinks if he did, he would make sure to tell them. Evan can't keep a secret to himself. He always ends up sneaking into Regulus' bed late at night, claiming he'll explode if he doesn't tell him. So no, Regulus doesn't think he had had a secret relationship. Maybe he did love Barty, maybe he was just good at pretending. Or maybe he was just too much of an oblivious idiot to notice he flirts all the time and to notice Barty's jealousy. Nonetheless, Regulus was nearly sure those two had some chemistry. He was honestly rooting for them. They're his best friends, they deserve to be happy. Even if that means he would third wheel all the time.

The rest of the ride to Hogwarts they spent talking about everything and nothing, talking about their plans for the year, trying to avoid the topic of upcoming exams. The topic they couldn't avoid, though, was the sudden suffocating atmosphere in the wizard world. Everyone was on edge, lately, talking about what might come and what they have to prepare for. 

"I heard my father talking about some dark wizard to my mom. Heard he's real dangerous, but I dunno. I think I could beat him," Barty joked, to which everyone laughed.

"You? You couldn't even beat me in potions," Evan nudged him with his shoulder.

"That's potions, you moron. I could totally beat you in charms, though," Barty snickered.

"Oh yeah? Wanna give it a try?"

"You bet," Barty stood up, rolling up his sleeves. He pulled out his wand, which was quickly snatched by Dorcas. He whined and sat back down with a pout on his lips.

Dorcas grinned and put the wand through their bun.

"My mom gave me a book of defense spells. She's been really on edge this summer," Pandora scrunched her nose. "I have a bad feeling about it. I feel like something bad might come."

"Oh, come on, it's not-"

"No, she's right. My parents had some strange guests over this summer. Sometimes they forced me to join them for dinner. It all felt like a fucking cult meeting," Regulus stroked through Dandy's fur as he spoke. "They also mentioned this Dark Lord."

They all fell silent after that. Regulus couldn't tell what exactly it was that turned the conversation so insufferable, but he suddenly felt like he could cut up the tension and feed it to Dandy. He denied what was surely coming. He refused to acknowledge it. Because something in the way his parents talked about this wizard… He'd never heard them talk about someone with such respect before. It made shivers run up his spine. 

He refused to admit it, but he was scared. He was truly scared.

3rd September 1976

"I love our child."

"For the last time, James, Dandy is not our child."

"But- just look at her! She has my eyes and your hair!"

Regulus and James were on the astronomy tower for the first time after the summer. He showed him Dandy, and ever since, James can't stop talking about her like their child. Regulus would just roll his eyes, but honestly, he loved it.

"Our future child will be so beautiful," James said suddenly, taking Regulus off guard, he nearly choked on air only.

"James, I don't think we have the right stuff it takes to have a baby."

"Worth the shot, though, isn't it?" James smirked, slowly shifting closer to him.

Regulus was just sure he was as red as a tomato by now. James could make him so flustered sometimes. He wanted to murder him from how much he loved him.

James supported himself with hands on each side of Regulus, gently pushing him to lay down with the close proximity. He connected their lips, the synchronised moves making them one. Regulus gently combed James' hair with his long slender fingers, making the other groan softly. 

Their lips fit perfectly into each other. Their tongues danced together as if they were made for it. Everything they did, it felt like they were created just for this. Just for each other. Just for this moment.

But in that moment, an outer source decided to disrupt their little moment.

Dandelion had squeezed herself in between the two of them, scratching slightly on Regulus' collarbone. He hissed and pulled back from the kiss.

"Fuck, Dandy," he put her to the side and sat up.

"Aw, Dandy, why would you? I'm supposed to be the one marking my boyfriend."

Regulus shot him a threatening look, though the blush in his cheeks was allowing James to see right through him. James smiled and pecked his lips then. He laid down on his back with his arm underneath his head, serving like a pillow.

"I wanted to write to you, but my mom said it wouldn't be a good idea. Said your parents might find out and wouldn't really approve of us," James sighed. Regulus blinked at him confused.

"You told your mom about me?" 

"Uhm, yeah. Is that a problem?" James looked troubled.

"No, no it's not. I just didn't know you thought of us that seriously," Regulus looked away, a small smile making its way onto his lips.

"Wait, you don't?" James sat up and shifted closer to him. James looked panicked, when Regulus locked eyes with him.

His face softened. "No, dummy. Of course I do. I just didn't think you would."

"Oh, I most definitely do. I have our whole future planned. Wanna see?" James' eyes sparkled with anticipation. Regulus nodded.

James stood up. He started walking around the place, having Dandelion following his every move.

"So, imagine this is a house. Here's the entrance hall, right next to the front door would be a small entrance for Dandy with a small carpet to scrub her paws," He gestured towards an empty space close to the railing. "Then there's our living room. It would be an open space connected with the kitchen. We would have a big sofa right in front of the fireplace, so we could cuddle up there on cold days. Dandelion would have a nest there as well," he seemed to think, then continued. "We have to get more cats! Dandy can't be alone there, what if she'll feel depressed? I don't know how to deal with cat depression," James cried out, looking at Regulus with pouty lips.

"Yeah, sure…" Regulus blinked slowly, trying to process it all.

James clapped his hands together. "Okay, great. We could get like three or four more-"

"Four. So we'd have five cats in total," Regulus interrupted him.

James nodded feverishly. "We can have even six, however many you want."

"Five. Or seven. No even numbers, James," he scrunched his nose.

James hovered over him and kissed him on the forehead. "Whatever you want, love."

James then stood back up, and resumed telling his future plans. He seemed so genuine, he talked with such sincerity, that Regulus for a moment believed they could actually have all this. They can't, but it wouldn't hurt anyone just to pretend, right?

"We will have those little shelf-like stairs all over the house for our cats, I heard they like those. But not in the bedroom, we don't want them getting used to staying there. We will want some privacy after all," he winked at him. "And we have to have a garden! That would be here, the entrance would be from the living room," he pointed somewhere few steps away from him. He was biting his lip, trying to come up with more decorations. "We will have rose bushes there, and a couple benches, so we could sit there and enjoy the fresh air together. And we need tomatoes! Yes, we will have a little vegetable garden there, so we don't need to socialise and just make our own food. We also need-"

"You don't want to socialise? You?" Regulus raised his eyebrows at him sceptically.

"Well, I don't need to socialise. And I thought you would be happier when you wouldn't have to. When it'll just be the two of us," James reasoned. Dandy brushed her tail over his ankle as she walked around him. "And, well, the cats," he chuckled and crouched down to pet her head.

Regulus nodded and circled his arms around his knees. 

"Alright, as I was saying, we need lots of trees there. You could read there as I'd work in the garden," he smiled brightly. "Oh, and we need a swing! Children love swings. What kind of parents would we be if we didn't have swings?"

Regulus laughed quietly at his thought process. James was so ridiculous sometimes. He loved it.

"The house would be close to a lake, so we could go swimming there in summer and ice skating in winter. But you'll have to teach me, I've never stood on ice before," James scratched his nape awkwardly.

"Why are you so sure I can skate?" Regulus teased.

"I, uhm, Sirius told me," James threw a quick glance at Regulus, checking whether he's alright with it. "He told me you used to go ice skating a lot when you were kids, and how you were excellent at it."

"He also wasn't bad," Regulus mumbled. He was surprised his brother still talks about him. He was convinced he just erased him from his heart totally. 

James nodded. "That's when I thought of this. I thought you would like it. Do you… like it?" He asked carefully.

"Yeah… Yeah I do, James," he stood up and went over to him. "I love it," he whispered. He lifted his arms to put around his neck. He tugged gently on his hair and brought him closer to be able to kiss him easier. He could feel James smile into the kiss and pull him closer by the waist.

They kissed slowly, with feelings. James' palms were caressing his waist so gently, it sent fire through his body, going all the way from Regulus to James and back. 

Regulus knew this couldn't last. They couldn't last. But he wanted to be selfish for once. He wanted to choose his happiness over anything else. 

And his happiness was James.

23rd December 1976

"James… What the fuck are we doing here?"

Regulus stared at his surroundings. James had stayed at Hogwarts a few days longer this year, wanting to spend some more alone time with Regulus before the school started. His brother had gone to Lupin's for a few days, so they didn't have to worry about him either. They both would then come home in the morning on Christmas.

James took him on a date. A proper one, this time. No sneaking around, no staying up late just to be together. An actual date, where they can hold hands and just be together. 

Regulus should've known it wouldn't be just a regular date with James Potter, though.

"What? Don't fancy a date in the forbidden forest?" James faked a gasp. "Or are you perhaps scared?" He wiggled his eyebrows teasingly.

Regulus rolled his eyes. "Fuck off, you know what I mean," he subconsciously shifted closer to James. It was a cold evening and James was always so warm. He truly was his sun. "I thought you were taking me on a normal date. Like books and warm tea, maybe?"

"What do you think I have this bag for?" James patted the heavy looking bag hanging off his shoulder.

Regulus sighed. "Alright, then. Which way should we go?"

James clicked his tongue. "Ah, well, that's the catch," he took the bag off his shoulder and handed it to Regulus. "You will have to carry this. But don't worry, I'm a gentleman. I will help you with it," he winked and clutched his wand in his hand.

"James, what are you-"

In a blink of an eye, instead of his boyfriend, there was suddenly standing a deer. Regulus opened his mouth, as if to say something, yet he couldn't get anything out, so he just closed it again.

"Well of course you're a fucking deer," he sighed and shook his head in disbelief. He wasn't even surprised, at this point. There wasn't anything that could take him aback about James anymore.

The deer - James - crouched down a little, gesturing to him to straddle him. 

Regulus only stared for a moment, calculating all his options in his head. He didn't really have a choice, though, so he just gave in to the intrusive thoughts. "Oh, fuck this…"

He clutched the bag in his hand as he climbed on his boyfriend's back. He almost lost balance when the deer straightened up, but he held his antlers for support. James started off slowly, giving Regulus a glimpse of hope on a peaceful evening. He then proceeded to crash the hope, as he raised his pace and made Regulus nearly fall back. Regulus hugged him round the neck, holding on for dear life. He could feel pathetic about it later, right now he just wants to survive.

Regulus missed most of their little journey. He was too busy praying with his eyes closed. But once he opened them again, he made sure to never close them again in the forest. It was truly magical there. Everything was dark, the only source of light coming from the fairies flying above their heads. There were lots of flowers in this part of the forest, making it look more like a meadow. Behind the rose bushes, he could see the stars reflecting from the frozen lake surface. 

"I know this forest like the back of my hand."

James snaked his arm around his shoulder, once he was in his human form again.

Regulus brushed away the original look of awe off his face and hit James' chest with his closed fist.

"When were you gonna tell me you're an animagus?" he hissed.

James took his hand into his and laid a tender kiss on top of it. "Exactly a couple minutes ago, my love." Regulus rolled his eyes at him. James walked off to get something out of his bag. He returned then with ice skates. "Gonna show me how you do it?"

Regulus took one pair from him with faked annoyance. How could he be so thoughtful?

They put the skates on and attempted to get onto the lake. Regulus had to hold James' hand, keeping him from falling. Once they got to the ice, Regulus felt surreal. It's been so long since he'd skated. As he got closer to the centre of the lake, he felt like floating. He danced on the stars with such grace. The moonlight reflecting on his skin and pointing out his freckles, making them look like a part of the night sky. 

James watched him from afar, utterly mesmerised.

Regulus smiled at him warmly and skated back to him. He took his hand, as he started shifting backwards. He could see James' legs shake. 

"Hey, relax. Just follow me."

James' eyes flicked down to where Regulus moved his skates elegantly. He tried to copy him, then, after gaining some balance, lifted his gaze back up to his eyes. They shared a soft smile as they glided on the lake. 

They spent about an hour on the lake. By this time, they weren't really skating anymore. More like, swaying in place on the ice. James had his arms wrapped around Regulus' middle and his face hid in the crook of his neck, his hair tickling Regulus. 

"You cold?"

"Hmh."

"Let's go, then," Regulus tried to get some space in between them, failing miserably. "James, come on," he chuckled quietly.

"No. 'M cold."

"That's why we're leaving. Come on, my deer." This time, he succeeded and took James' hand to guide him back. 

It felt weird to stand firm on the ground again. He felt so light on the ice. As if a single breeze could get him flying away. He felt at peace.

They put the skates off. James pulled out a blanket and a flask from his bag. He sat down next to Regulus under the tree and threw the blanket over them.

"I thought we were going back now"

"Do you want to?"

Regulus scrunched his nose. "No.. I don't."

James smiled, showing his dimples. "Then we're staying." He opened the flask and handed it to him. "I brought you some tea."

"Me? You sure you're not the one who was dying from hypothermia just a minute ago?"

James shrugged. "But you wanted tea. So it's yours."

"We'll share, James," Regulus shook his head at him.

They drank tea and kept each other warm in a comfortable silence. They didn't want to talk, nor did they need to. Regulus loves the silence. Regulus loves it with James.

"Did you know I love you?" James spoke after a while.

Regulus' heart rate sped up. Did he know? He might have, though he hadn't realised. Not until this moment. It was obvious for a long time, James' feelings. He just ignored the signs. He ignored the possibility of being loved by someone like James Potter. Maybe he can't realise it without having it handed to him on a silver plate. 

He gulped over the lump in his throat. He wanted to say it, he really did. Regulus loved James more than anyone. How could he put that into words?

He shifted to make some space between, so he was able to look him in the eyes. They were so sincere and full of love. He stared into the dark in them. How his long eyelashes overshadowed his own reflection in them. He leaned in and kissed him. Just a mere brush of their lips, though it sent fire pulsing through both of their bodies. Regulus could feel butterflies fluttering around anywhere James touched him, anywhere he kissed him. He could feel them coming to life and flying around his whole body, leaving peace and satisfaction there.

Without James, Regulus wouldn't know what love is.

8th January 1977

Regulus was fucked. His life had gone to shreds and there was no saving him, now. All he wanted to do was curl up in a corner and die. 

Like every year, it was his birthday during the holidays. And just like every year, he spent it with his dear family. They had the typical Black family dinner, spent in utter silence. His parents shared some strange looks during the meal. Regulus found that rather suspicious, since they rarely interact at all. The real reason behind this all, he found later that evening.

After the dinner, his parents hosted a Christmas ball. It was every year, just always in a different pureblood family's house. They used to force him to go, but they stopped a couple years ago. They never reasoned it, though he didn't care, as long as he didn't have to go. This year, however, he was the main course. 

A pale man in a black robe raised his glass, everyone else following right after. He then proceeded to give a speech on the importance of blood purity in the wizarding world and world in general. He used some slurs, though no one in the room seemed to mind that. Not that it surprised him. 

He finished his speech emphasising the significance of the wizard youth, their future and purpose. He thanked everyone for standing by his ideas and supporting them. The man then raised the toast to the death eaters. Regulus had heard the term before. It sounded like a cult name to him, though that wasn't very far from the truth. Yet this was the first time he'd realised how serious they all were about this. 

His father then stepped to his side and whispered to him, "It's your time." He grabbed him by the arm and dragged him to the centre of the room, towards the man who seemed to be the leader. He shook his father's hand off of him, he doesn't want that man to touch him ever again.

"Regulus Arcturus Black. I've heard a lot about you," the man snickered. "Give me your hand, boy."

Regulus tried to protest, but his father grabbed him again and forced his hand towards the man. He then rolled up his sleeve and pointed his wand at his forearm.

"Do you pledge allegiance to the Dark Lord?"

It all happened so fast. He was too confused and afraid to think straight. All the eyes of the room were on him. He could feel the pressure growing at the back of his head. Regulus didn't want to agree, he really didn't. He had wanted to try and get away from his family once possible, not get more ties to them. He didn't know the man holding his hand. He didn't know what he was capable of. Though, no one his parents have respect for can be any good. He wanted to leave and never come back. He wanted his brother.

He wished he were more like his brother. He wished he weren't a coward.

"Yes. I do."

Regulus felt disgusted. He wanted to rip his skin off, cut off his arm, anything that would make it disappear. He was so desperate, he tried washing it off. Of course, it didn't work. It was too late for him.

As soon as he got back to Hogwarts, he went to see the only person that seemed capable of doing something about it. He told him what had happened. He told him all the names he needed, told him about the promise he was forced to make, showed him the mark. He was full of hope. And then, as it came, it vanished again.

"But- you always say, help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who deserve it," Regulus begged.

"Yes, I still stand by that."

Regulus stared at Dumbledore in disbelief. Did he really just…?

Regulus clenched his jaw. He drew in a sharp breath through his gritted teeth. He turned around and swiftly left Dumbledore's office. If he ever had any trust in him, it was long gone now. 

He bumped into James in the hallway, giving him a distressed look before running away. He knew he would go after him. Regulus made his way into the astronomy tower and leaned against the railing. After about ten minutes, his boyfriend showed up.

"Reg, love, what's wrong?" James cupped his cheek. He was always being so gentle.

Regulus opened his mouth, closing them soon after. He wasn't sure how to start. "I- I didn't want it, James. I didn't- I don't know why I-"

"Hey, it's okay. It's okay. Take your time," he stroked his cheek with his thumb.

"My parents made me," Regulus started. James only nodded. "There was this man, uh, the Dark Lord. And they- they made me join him. The death eaters."

Regulus was shaking as he pulled up his sleeve, allowing James to see his forearm. James wasn't saying anything. He was just looking at him with furrowed eyebrows. It made Regulus anxious.

"We need to go to Dumbledore. He'll know what to do. He will help-"

"No, James, stop. He won't."

"Why wouldn't he?! If we just tried, I'm sure there's a way-"

"I've already tried! I tried, James. He won't help," Regulus choked out. "There's no way out of this for me."

"Reg, no, don't say that," he took his hands into his, giving them a squeeze. "There must be a way out of this, okay? There must be."

Regulus nodded, holding back a sob. "Are you mad?"

"Why would I be, love? You did nothing wrong. You didn't choose this," James whispered. Regulus could hear how shaky his voice was.

"Yeah, but… If you wanted to leave now, I- I would understand. You don't have to stay. It's dangerous. They're dangerous. I don't want to drag you into this all."

"Reggie, you didn't drag me into anything. I'm staying, because I love you. I'm not going anywhere. We can get through this, okay? Together," James squeezed his hands. Regulus looked up at him, and nodded. James smiled, his eyes still watery, and leaned in to kiss him. Regulus' lips were trembling. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, the voice was chanting in Regulus' head, God, just don't cry.

"We will find a way out of this. With or without Dumbledore. We don't need him," James said after pulling away. 

Regardless of his words, Regulus knew he was hurting. James had always trusted Dumbledore with his life. He'd never doubted him, not once. And now, Regulus can imagine how betrayed he must feel. James is just good at keeping it inside. 

One would think James is more of the loud type. The one to rant about whatever bothered him. But with James, it's not the case. He's able to ramble about everything and nothing for hours, no matter how much it annoys the ones around him, but when it comes to the serious stuff, he's quiet. He lets it boil inside of him. Everyone sees James as the person who has no bad days, and he tries to keep up to those expectations. So, he'd rather suffer alone, then ask for help. 

He doesn't need to ask Regulus, though. Because he knows. James doesn't need to say anything, Regulus can read the pain off of his face. He can see it in his eyes, which usually have that spark in them. That's all he needs to know to go on and help him. No questions asked, he knows exactly what James needs. Which in every case, is not to be alone. So Regulus doesn't leave him. He stayed with him on the astronomy tower. They held each other in silence, listening to each other's heartbeat. It was all they needed to feel at peace again. 

12th February 1977

The rumour of Regulus joining the death eaters began to spread rapidly. Everyone in school was whispering about him behind his back. He always felt eyes on him, no matter where he went. It was only a question of time, when Sirius would show up to confront him about it. 

It took him a while, but he did eventually corner Regulus. He had caught him off guard, when he was walking back to his dorm one evening. He grabbed him by the arm and dragged him to an empty room nearby.

"Let go," Regulus hissed as he pushed him away. Sirius got stronger throughout the years.

Sirius stood in between the door and Regulus, blocking his way out. Sirius cocked an eyebrow. "So? Can you explain?" He had his arms crossed at his chest, making him look a little intimidating. 

Regulus stayed silent. 

Sirius took a sudden step closer, then, making Regulus flinch and move backwards. "Or do I need to do it all myself?" He asked, rather redundantly. Because Sirius then proceeded to pull at his wrist and lift up the sleeve, getting a perfect view at the mark.

Regulus didn't know what Sirius expected from this. They both stood there frozen, the deafening silence obscuring Regulus' own thoughts.

Regulus was the first to break the silence. "Are you happy now? Because I would love to leave, if we're done," he muttered sarcastically.

"Why… Why, Reggie?" Sirius didn't bother finishing the question. Regulus was sure he didn't know how to, anyway.

"What do you think?"

"That you're stupid," Sirius answered without hesitation. "Why are you so fucking stupid, Reg? You could've left with me, we could've both gotten out of this. You wouldn't have to be in this mess now if you just listened."

Regulus barked a quiet laugh. "No, Sirius, you're the one who didn't listen. You were blinded by this perfect picture of us both leaving them behind, that you didn't see how impossible it actually is. We couldn't have both gotten out of there, Siri. One of us had to stay behind!" His chest felt heavy with the sharp breath he took. "But of course, I was just being stupid. Why would I ever take care of you, right?"

He left Sirius speechless. Not many people ever achieved that, though he didn't really see it as a success, not now. 

"You were right, I did this to myself. But I did it for you."

And with these words, not aware of when would be the next time he'll talk to his brother, he left. He could hear Sirius' sobs as he turned the corner.

June 1977

"No, Barty, you're not joining the death eaters," Regulus said sternly.

"Why not? I'm joining them, too," Evan spoke up.

Regulus shot him a confused look. "What the fuck is wrong with you two? Once you get in, you won't be able to get out. Ever."

"You won't as well. We're not leaving you there alone, Reg."

Regulus could kill them right then and there. He didn't understand why they would ever do such a thing. He wasn't worth it for them to throw their lives away just like that. They had to move on, with or without him.

"No. You're not doing this. I-"

"There's nothing you can say that would change our minds," Barty said with a playful grin on his face. As if this situation wasn't serious enough.

"I will hex you both, I swear," Regulus hissed at them.

Evan shot an amused look at Barty. "What do you think, are we giving up because of a small hex?"

"Oh, Evan, of course we are. I'm already trembling with fear. Can't you see the goosebumps on my skin?" Barty mocked, as he held his chest dramatically and showed Evan his non-existent goosebumps.

"I'm being serious, guys! You can't do it, you just can't," Regulus tried again. "I won't allow you to go down with me."

Evan and Barty gave him sad looks, not having to say anything for him to understand. It was done. They decided. And once Regulus' best friends decide on something, talking them out of it is harder than anything. They were the most stubborn people he's ever met. Regulus never particularly hated this about them, until now.

Regulus had already got to gather some information about the death eaters over the few months he's been one of them. It's even worse than he thought, it makes him sick to the stomach. But most importantly, he didn't understand why anyone would willingly do it. He understood that Barty and Evan wanted to protect him, didn't want to leave him alone, but what about the others? His parents, cousin, even some of the slytherin kids started joining. He'd heard even Evan's father joined the Dark Lord. 

But, oh, his cousin. His dear stupid cousin. Bellatrix had her whole life in front of her. She could have done anything she desired, yet she chose the dark. 

Regulus knew it wasn't entirely her fault, he knew how the Dark Lord lured her into his trap of lies and deceits. Still, he was so excruciatingly mad at her. She was so young, she didn't deserve to have a fate like this.

None of them did.

He didn't.

Regulus was still mad at Dumbledore. He didn't think he would ever forgive him for just giving up on him. He left him when he needed him the most. So no, Regulus wasn't gonna forgive him.

He could see that it affected James as well. He was often buried deep in his thoughts, or zoned out while staring at Regulus' forearm. It made Regulus uncomfortable, though he never let James know that. It would just make things worse, and they were already bad enough. 

James was trying not to bring up the topic of the ongoing war and death eaters, though Regulus could see he wanted to. James needed to talk about things, it was how he coped with them. Regulus didn't want James to hurt, so he decided to be the one to bring it up.

"Does it bother you?" he asked. The book in his lap was long forgotten.

James was already staring at him when he looked up, his big doe eyes piercing his soul. He looked beautiful.

"What do you mean?" James stopped the movement he was doing with his hand, to which Dandelion meowed unsatisfied to bring his attention back to her.

"Me," Regulus said, but then corrected himself. "Me being a death eater, I mean."

James sighed and lowered his gaze to the cat in his lap. "It doesn't bother me." Lie. "But it doesn't not bother me either. I guess I just try to ignore it."

"Ignore it? I'm a part of a homicidal cult and you're just, what, denying it?" Regulus' tone had a sharp edge to it.

"No, I am not denying it. I just keep in mind you're not the same as them, so that when I remember you're a- well, one of them, I can think about all the differences between you and them," James elaborated. He couldn't even say those two words.

Regulus clicked his tongue. "Well what if I'm not so different? I mean, I was raised to become his follower ever since I remember. I grew up to be one of them. I was never taught empathy or mercy, James. I was only ever taught to be selfish and ruthless."

James' eyes were glossy, his mouth open ajar. Wait, no, Regulus didn't mean to make him cry. He didn't mean to hurt him.

"Don't say that, Reggie. You're not like them. You're good, you're a good person, I know it." His voice was so small.

"How could you know, James? How can you be so sure you know me so well? We don't even talk in public. Are you really that scared of people knowing about us? Are you really that scared of Sirius knowing about us?" Regulus couldn't stop the words coming out of his mouth. 

"You know that if Sirius- you know he would hate us both. He would call me a traitor and make me choose."

"Then why don't you choose, huh?" Regulus cocked his head, his demeanor seeming to startle James a little. "Is it because you would choose him? Is it because you don't really think I'm a good person?"

"Reggie, no, that's not-" 

"Then what is it, James?" Regulus snapped. He hesitated for a moment, then continued, "Do you even like me?" 

James opened his mouth to speak, though nothing came out. He looked away. Regulus wanted to punch him. He wanted to hex him. He felt pathetic for believing his words and promises.

"I don't like you, Reg." 

Regulus swore he heard his heart breaking.

"I love you."

Regulus gazed at the other boy flabbergasted. James was looking at him with tear stained cheeks, his eyes glittering. He gave him a hesitant smile. Oh, how much Regulus loved that smile. It warmed him up from the inside, fixed anything that was left broken in him.

James' words patched his heart back up. He couldn't feel it beating, though he could hear James' heart. His heartbeat got much faster after he confessed his feelings once again and it has only been rising since.

"I love you, Reggie," he repeated and shifted closer to hold his face. "I love you, but I don't want to choose. I really don't," he cried softly. "Don't make me choose, please. I want you both."

Regulus flicked his eyes between James' eyes and lips. He leaned in and kissed him. The kiss was a mere brush of their lips, it was barely even a peck. 

"Me too," Regulus whispered against his lips.

"You too… what?" Regulus bit his lip at the other's question. He shifted his gaze elsewhere, not wanting to maintain eye contact. "Oh, you…" James' whole face brightened up. "You do?"

Regulus nodded shyly. The only person who ever told him they loved him before James was Sirius, he couldn't say it back even then. He just wasn't used to hearing it. It was so silly, it's just three words, yet he couldn't speak them no matter how much he tried. Love makes people weak, and he doesn't want to be weak. His mother always says that, and it was one of the only things he actually agreed with. He couldn't resist loving James, but he could keep himself from saying it to him. He wanted him to know it, he just didn't want to say it. He wanted him to just know it, like a thing that is inevitable to happen. Just like the sun always comes up, just like the stars shine up the night sky, just like that, Regulus loved him. It was bound to happen. 

James brought him in for a kiss again, holding him firmly by the sides of his neck. This time, the kiss was much more passionate. Somehow the newly confessed feelings added a flame into them. They moved their lips hungrily as they swallowed each other's sobs. Regulus' hands were shaking, when he pulled James closer by his waist. James wiped his tears off of his cheeks with his thumbs. Regulus didn't even notice he'd started crying.

It was the most intimate moment they'd ever had, yet it felt so emotional. 

23rd July 1977

In summer 1977 Regulus attended one of his first death eater meetings. It was held at the Lestrange's place. He knew most of the people there, his cousin Bellatrix and her husband, Narcissa and her husband, the Notts, the Rosiers. However this time, he spotted one more person with the Rosier family. Evan was there too. And not just Evan, but Barty as well.

The Dark Lord seemed to change each time he saw him. His facial features, mostly. His cheekbones were much more defined. On the contrary, his nose was nearly non-existent by now. He was much paler too. And, was he just imagining it, or was he actually getting taller?

He took his eyes off of the man and looked at his two best friends again instead. He couldn't look anywhere else since.

"Today, we shall welcome two new members," the Dark Lord started, as he held the glass of wine lifted in his right hand. "Evan Rosier, Bartemius Crouch, I'm pleased to see you both here," he took a sip from the wine and sat down. "Here, Barty, is the son of Bartemius Crouch, who works at the ministry of magic. I'm glad you decided to switch sides, Barty."

Barty sent him a lopsided grin. "It's a pleasure to be here, my lord."

Regulus wanted to throw up.

"What the fuck was that? I thought I made it clear you two should just stay the fuck out of this," Regulus snapped once the three of them had some time seperate from the others.

"Yeah, you pretty much did," Barty shrugged his shoulders. "We just decided not to listen."

Regulus frowned. "But- but you can't…"

"Listen, Reggie. We love you, and that's exactly why we're doing this. You really thought we would leave you alone in this?" Evan insisted.

Regulus blinked a couple of times to scatter away the tears threatening to fall down his cheeks. "But you're good… You're good. You didn't have to do this," he whispered.

Barty sighed. "We made a choice, Reg. If we regret it later, which I doubt we will, then that's on us. You don't have to worry about us. We're only doing this for you. We're not leaving you, Reggie," he held his hands as he looked deep into his eyes.

Regulus took a sharp breath as he closed his eyes. "You're both such idiots. I love you…"

"Aww, we love you too." Evan came closer to them and wrapped his arms around them both, pulling them into a group hug. Regulus yelped as he stumbled forward into his best friends' awaiting arms. 

If anyone caught them now, hugging here like teenage girls, they would surely call them weak. They would say they look queer, that they're acting like girls and should just man up. Regulus hated those people. Regulus hated most people, in fact. His best friends were an exception. And James, he didn't hate James as well.

Regulus thought if he ever lost any of them, he wouldn't survive it. They're his whole world, he wouldn't want to live on without any of them. He would do anything to keep them safe. And if he couldn't keep them from joining the Dark Lord with him, he would make sure they would leave him along with him as well. He would make sure of it.

15th September 1977

"Hey, so I've been thinking…"

"Oh, woah, now you really caught me off guard. You should've told me you could do that!"

"Oh, shut up," James' face turned light pink as he playfully hit Regulus' shoulder. "So as I was saying, I was thinking. A lot, actually. And I think I may have come up with a plan.

Regulus stared at him in anticipation. "So? Spill it, James. I've got places to be, things to do…" The corners of his mouth twitched as he tried not to laugh.

"Oh yeah? Like what?"

"Well wouldn't you like to know?" Regulus smirked and moved forward slowly. He shifted so their lips were nearly touching, then pulled away teasingly. "You were saying?"

James rolled his eyes. "I came up with a plan. On how to deal with this whole war thing." He had a mischievous smile plastered on his face. The smile indicated trouble. 

"Now, how would you like to deal with that?" Regulus sighed.

"It's actually rather simple, really. We would be like double agents. You would gather information from the death eaters, like where they want to hit next, or about their next steps. Then we'd meet up to connect the dots and figure out how to stop the war!"

Regulus stared at him in disbelief. "James, honey, I don't think you know how this works," he shifted closer and held his hands in his. "We can't end the war that easily. What information do you even imagine we'd gain? It really isn't that simple. We won't even be able to see each other once you join the order," Regulus smiled sadly.

"We won't?"

Regulus shook his head. "It's too dangerous. We might get caught and called traitors on both sides. It would only end in tragedy, my love."

"What if we'll be careful?" James tried.

"No, love. It's not safe."

James lowered his gaze and nodded firmly. "Okay. We'll manage. We've gotten through school with meeting up just at night, we'll get through a couple weeks without seeing each other at all." James' hopeful smile was back on his face.

"It wouldn't be just a few weeks, though. It might be months, maybe a year, even."

James sighed. "Look, I know. I'm just trying to think positive. We'll get through it whether it's months or years. Because I love you."

Regulus smiled softly and nodded eventually.

James gave his hand a squeeze. "We'll get through this. One way or another, we will."

Regulus wanted to believe it so badly. He tried to think positive, it was just as if the whole universe was against it. As if the stars didn't want them together. James was his sun, he was a mere star. Not even the brightest one. They were never meant to be together, it was against everything they'd known. Yet, no one could forbid them from being in love. 

Regulus would kill for James. He would bend everything possible and impossible for him. He would choose him over anyone.

3rd March 1978

Regulus and James were laying on the floor of the astronomy tower. He had his head laid on the older's chest, James was playing with his hair. His other hand was gently caressing the skin of his arm. Dandelion was lying next to them, curled up near James' neck. She was purring contently, filling the silence of the night. He felt at peace.

"Did you know I love you?" James had murmured.

Regulus hummed in a nonverbal response.

"I don't ever want to be without you. I will fight the whole world just to be with you. Just for one more second with you." 

James' voice was so soft. It was music to Regulus' ears. He treasured moments like these the most. When they could just lie together and forget about all the chaos of the war outside this moment. He wished it could last forever. He wished they could last forever. 

"I don't ever want to be with anyone else," Regulus whispered and he meant it. He didn't think it was possible for him to love anyone the way he loved James. It was too special to him. Too special to share such a bond with anyone other than him. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

James let out a satisfied sigh. "So do I."

Regulus took a moment to think. It was a stupid question, but he craved to know the answer. "Would you marry me?"

James didn't stop petting his hair. He didn't stop to think, to consider any other response. "Yes. Yes, I would."

Regulus smiled in relief. "I would too."

Regulus knew very well it wasn't possible for them to get married. That wasn't what he was asking him about, anyway. He didn't ask if he will marry him. No, he'd asked if he would marry him, if he could. If they got the chance, the opportunity, whether he would tie their relationship in marriage. 

Regulus never believed in such a thing as marriage. His parents were married and hated each other, so did most of the married couples he'd known. Yet something about James made him reconsider all of his beliefs. With James, he would do anything. If he'd ask to marry him, he'd say yes. If he'd ask to poison himself, he would. If he'd ask to break his heart, he would. Anything for his James.

James trailed his fingertips over the scars on his arm. Regulus hated people touching them, especially on purpose, but this was James. James could. James was allowed to do anything to him. Regulus was allowed to be vulnerable with him. 

Regulus exhaled deeply and cuddled closer to James. He gripped the side of his shirt in his fist, as if he'd run away if he didn't hold him. He took a sharp breath to take in his scent. He smelled like a forest after a rain. He smelled like a long walk with a loved one. He smelled like a home he never had before. This was the scent he wanted to feel for the rest of his life. This was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and all of the lifes after. He would keep searching for James in every universe that was ahead of them. No matter what, he would always find him. He would always love him. He would always protect him.

July 1978

The day had finally come. Regulus' sixth year at Hogwarts was coming to an end and James was soon leaving school. It was the night before their last day and they were curled up together with Dandelion on the astronomy tower. Regulus was petting Dandy's head as James was petting his. He felt so comfortable like this, so at peace, that he just refused to believe this all was going to end in a couple of hours. 

"Reggie, we need to talk about it…" James started softly. 

"No."

Regulus didn't take a second to think about his answer. He didn't even want to think about it. He didn't want them to be apart for so long.

James sighed. He distanced from Regulus for a moment to pull something out of his bag. "I'm sorry, but… I have to give you something." He returned to him and handed him an empty parchment.

Regulus narrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "What am I gonna do with an empty parchment? You want me to send you letters or something…?"

James laughed. The sweet, sweet laugh Regulus so adored. "No, silly. It's not empty." He reached out for his wand and tipped it on the piece of paper. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

The parchment began to fill with letters and red ink. James unfolded the paper and a map appeared inside of it. Not just any kind of map, a map of Hogwarts. He could see all these kinds of names walking around on it, even his and James'. To his surprise, even Dandelion's name popped up next to theirs. It was magnificent.

James cleared his throat. "It's a map Remus started working on in our first year." Regulus ran his eyes through the map and couldn't be more surprised by it. There were so many passages, so many people. "It has all the secret passages in the castle. We charmed it so it shows you people in the castle and their location. I put Dandelion there, too," James grinned as he pointed his finger at the cat. "I told them Filch took it from me, but, uh… I want you to have it. It will be no use for us anymore and I thought you might find it helpful."

Regulus turned to look at James. "It's beautiful. Thank you," he stretched out his arm to tangle together their fingers. 

James smiled softly. "I just want you to be safe while I'm gone. I know you can take care of yourself, just… Be careful, alright? I don't want be without you any longer than it's necessary."

Regulus looked down towards the map, then back up to meet James' eyes. "Promise you'll wait for me?" he whispered.

James squeezed his hand in his own warm ones. "Of course. There is nothing, no one, I've ever wanted more than you. Not just want, but need. I need you, Reggie. I have never in my life loved anyone more than you." His eyes were glossy with tears, it was making Regulus want to cry.

"God, just come here," Regulus blurted out and brought his hand out of James' to bring him in by the neck. Their lips collided and everything else disappeared. It was just them. Just their lips, just their hands exploring each other's body. 

Everything James had just said was reciprocated. Regulus needed him just as much, if maybe even more. James was the only person he could talk to for hours. James not once interrupted him. He just listened with a gaze full of love. Regulus never had that before. He was determined to keep him for life. Nothing could ever take him away from him. He would make sure of that.

After they pulled apart, they leaned against each other. They stayed in silence, only being carried by the sound of cat purring.

"Can I keep one of your sweaters?" Regulus spoke. "To have something to remind me of you, while you're gone."

James smiled, genuinely. "Of course." He took the hem of his sweater into his hands and pulled it over his head.

"Wait, I didn't mean like now-"

James had the sweater already in hand. "Too late. Take it," he threw the sweatshirt into Regulus' lap as he adjusted the shirt he wore underneath it. 

"Thanks…" Regulus murmured. He got the sweater on and pulled the sleeves over his fingers. It was a plain wine red sweater with dark gray edges. To him, it was absolutely obvious it belonged to the gryffindor boy, but to anyone else, it was just a sweater. Just another one to his collection. To Regulus, it was the closest thing to home he will have for the following years.

James got closer once again and hugged Regulus from behind. "I love you, you know that?" he whispered into the skin on his neck, as he was peppering small kisses on the area.

Regulus hummed. "So do I." He craned his neck towards James behind him. He held his jaw gently and brought him into a soft kiss. Regulus then leaned his forehead against James' and sighed contently.

"So do I…"