Chapter 3
It’s on the third night of his stay with Regulus that the reality of what his life has now become truly sets in for James Potter.
It happens not long after he puts Harry to sleep, rocking him gently while pacing around the rather nice bedroom that is slowly becoming his own. Not long after he places Harry in the crib that used to belong to his best mate he hears the soft footsteps of another person he cares deeply for making their way down the stairs and into the study, their rhythm being cut off with the sound of the door closing.
On the second night, James had learned that despite all the years that had passed in moments since he had spent this long with regulus, that his old habits remained, even if the person they belonged to had changed quite a bit.
Regulus still was his most productive after hours, just as he was at Hogwarts. His inspiration rises with the moon and settles down for a bit with the sun. He also apparently still refused to write his poetry with anything except ink and quill on parchment that he kept large rolls of in the spare corner of his study. James had asked him about this over his second glass of whiskey that night, to which regulus took a long drag of his cigarette before responding.
“My work is solely mine until I give it to others. So I want it to feel like mine until it no longer is just mine. Before I send it to my editor I always type it up, a sort of final send off before I give it to someone who looks at it for their job, ya know?”
With that James nodded, and couldn't help but think of the handwritten manuscript that he had received in the mail before Regulus had published his first volume of poetry, and how it was one of the few things he always had shrunk to fit in his pocket at all times. It seemed to grow heavier as he finished his glass and went for another.
Another habit that regulus still seemed to have was his smoking one. That was one that was completely Sirius's fault. James swore that from the second Sirius discovered cigarettes he always had one hanging from his lips, that is whenever McGonogall wasn't around that is. And soon after regulus followed. Not that James minded, he himself smoked from time to time, and there was something about the sale of cigarettes mixed with a good strong english tea, and a faint bit of parchment was very appealing to him. In fact, it was that combination that he smelled when brewing Amortentia in his sixth-year potions class.
Regulus also still has his affinity for tea that he’s had as long as James has known him. His favorite being the black family’s special English blend.
Of course James knew all this, but it was only upon stumbling back into regulus’s life that he realized that.
It also took him stumbling back in to realize how much of Regulus’s life he had missed.
And for some reason, the thought made James a bit sick. So he went for a smoke, grabbing the pack that Regulus kept on the kitchen counter as he made his way outside as quietly as possible, so as not to disturb Harry or Regulus.
Much like regulus, James has also always been drawn to the water. Some of his favorite Hogwarts memories were from his time swimming in the black lake before leaving at the end of each spring term. He would jump from the docs and surface to the sounds of the laughter of Peter, who always seemed content to just wade in the water and chat with anyone who would listen. Somewhere nearby would be Remus and Sirius, usually in the midst of some sort of splash fight over something that one of them had done to the other. Then there would be regulus, who was one of the best swimmers he knew, swimming towards him with the other best swimmer he knew-
Lily.
James walked to the shore slowly, sitting down just before where the water gently leaned upon the sand, and lit his cigarette.
James had only fallen in love two times in his life.
Now be mistaken, he loved his friends like family and his son was his most prized possession. But he hadn’t fallen in love with them, the love just simply was always there.
But the other two times, James had fallen, that he knew.
The first time was with regulus. It wasn't easy, in fact the fall was so hard that James didn't think he truly ever stopped. It burned, like when his cigarette would reach its end and he wouldn't realize it until it was almost on his lips.
But he loved every moment of it.
It was like James Potter’s world was turned upside down, right side up, and then shaken around when he fell for regulus black. It was harsh, and heavy, and sometimes James felt like he was drowning in the ocean that was Regulus Arcturus Black.
And still, he loved every moment of it.
This way he didn't know why he had fallen either. Maybe it was his lips, they were soft and red, a stark contrast to the paleness that seemed to occupy the rest of regulus. He had always had a sort of regal look about him, James had always thought it was quite fitting, if anyone didn't know regulus then they would probably be safe to assume that he was the prince type.
But when regulus smiled that persona seemed to melt away. To James, Regulus's smile was so bright it was almost like a star. Fitting for the boy named after the brightest one.
And the thing about Regulus's smile that James liked the most, was that it always seemed to be followed by James's.
That smile is the smile that James would see when he looked down at Regulus, who often fell asleep on him in the astronomy tower. It was the smile that James could find under Regulus's long curls and the one that James watched fade a bit when he had held Regulus close and told him that maybe they would be better off as friends. It was also the smile that James saw Regulus give Harry out of the corner of his eye, when Harry had playfully tugged on the same curls James used to run his hands through. He’d be lying if he said that he didn't feel a bit sick afterwards.
Truth be told, James to this day, part of James didn't really know why he had broken things off with Regulus that year. But another part had a sneaking suspicion that James had seen the incoming war and didn't want to see his favorite star dull. So he wished upon all the stars he could find that things would be okay and sent his star off to safer places.
It was during those wishes that he had stumbled upon a field of flowers and found Lily.
James didn't even realize he had fallen for Lily until he already had. That was the beauty of it. With Lily came something that James had not had in a while. Blissful oblivion. Maybe that's why James wasn't as eager to send her off too at the sight of war like he had with regulus.
Because with Lily, we were too captivated to tell her no.
And now, James couldn't help but wonder what could've been different if he had.
Their relationship had never been truly theirs. They fell in love with war in the backdrop, wed with the sounds of church bells and flying spells accompanying them first to Grimmauld place, then to their little home in Godric's Hollow.
It was always James and Lily Potter, members of the order and eventually parents to the chosen one.
With her, all James ever wanted was for time to speed up so they could move on and live peacefully.
And before James and Lily Potter, there was James Potter and Regulus Black. Friends, lovers, confidants.
But unlike with Lily, all James ever wanted with regulus was for time to slow down, so he could hold onto those moments forever.
It turned out that either way, James wouldn't be able to get everything he wanted.
All of this had led James to the conclusion that it was because of the war that his life had been utterly fucked up, almost beyond repair. And his way of dealing with this would apparently be to sit on the beach, letting the waves hit him as he lit another cigarette.
It was when putting Harry to sleep earlier, that James had recalled a night that he and Lily shared a week ago, after bidding Sirius and Remus goodbye and settling down on the couch with a bottle of wine that had been a gift from Peter. Harry had long gone to bed, James had read him to sleep with one of Regulus's poems that he had written as a gift to Harry. James didn't even have to read it, he knew it by heart.
“Picked from the garden,
He was gift of the sea
With eyes of emeralds
And a crown of raven feathers
Upon his head.
Treasure of all,
The wolf, stag, dog and rat
Now tucked away, far from harm
Somewhere beyond the cold
Of the front
I pray that one day
He’ll spread his wings,
And fly to places far from harm.
But for now he sleeps,
With the darling doe
In places I, can’t help
But want to be”
- Arcturus Raven
It was one of James’s favorites to read, unaware that it was one that the author wrote before succumbing to tears. But what he did not know wouldn't hurt him.
That night, James and Lily had both gotten quite drunk, more than they usually would have, and with drinks often came confessions that James would rather not share.
It was after his third glass that he had started thinking - while laying opposite to lily on their couch - about ravens.
“I miss him,” James blurted out.
“Who?” Lily had asked in response, she herself was also a few glasses in, with a glassy look across her eyes.
“Reggie.” James responded. “I miss him a lot”, he turned his gaze to lily, who was now looking at her glass, with a sad sort of smile on her face.
“I know you do.” She said as she stood up to return the bottle to the kitchen. She soon returned to the living room, and stared out past James at the Marigolds in the garden. “I miss her too sometimes”.
James stared at Lily, wine heavy on his breath, “Who?”
“Mary. I’ve never gotten around for telling her I was sorry”
“What would you need to apologize to her for?”
Lily’s smile dulled a bit, “For never telling her that I never fully fell out of love with her either”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.” Lily walked towards James, pulling him up into a hug, “James?” she asked, looking up into his eyes.
“Hm?”
“Don't make the same mistake I did. No matter what, make sure they know that part of you still loves them.”
James nodded sleepy as they walked hand in hand through the kitchen, past the letter from Mary McDonald announcing her engagement to Reginald Cattlemore, with a wedding date set for early December. Lily had checked the box saying that she and James would attend.
But the letter, well, it would never be sent.
And somewhere in England on November 1st, Mary McDonalad would read the news of Lily Potter's passing in the paper. And by November 3rd she would have planted red lilies in front of her home. They were a lovely shade that some might even say looked like the hair of a certain witch Mary had known long ago.
But James wouldn't Know that. At this point James felt like he didn't know anything at all. But what he did know, is that through the tears that had started to fall from his eyes at some point that a hand he knew really well would be touching his back. And when looked to his right, he would find Regulus black to be sitting beside him in the water, and an arm around James’s heaving back.
“I miss her so much reggie”
“I know you do Jamie, I know you do”
Regulus would soon start to feel tears fall from his eyes, as he sat beside James, water splashing both of them as their trousers got soaked. He would hold James and cry. They would both cry until both of their eyes were worn dry and their tears had blended with the salt water of the sea. Then, they would both stand up, Regulus first, offering a hand to James, and then as soon as he was up regulus would pull James into the tightest hug possible, with James going limp and setting his head in the crook of regulus’s neck, which only seemed to make regulus hold him tighter.
“I miss her too. We all do”
Neither of them knew how long they stood there. But it didn't matter. Because at least in the tragedy that had become their life they were together. And in that moment. That is all that mattered to both of them.