so tired of being afraid

Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
M/M
G
so tired of being afraid
Summary
paranoia runs regulus’ life, james has a saviour complex, remus has a shitty father and sirius disassociates hard. aka everyone’s setting everyone off and we all get some hurt/comfort( EARLY CHAPTERS UNDERGOING REWRITE/MAJOR EDIT)
Note
hello everyone, welcome to another one of my holy shit she’s loosing her marbles fics.i write what i know, and since i’m currently in the psych ward because of my lovely paranoia i give you this,,, :)take care of yourselves and don’t be like me <3but in the case you are, take your meds and reach out for help when you need to :))!! trigger warnings!! (lemme know if i miss anything)sh (head banging)panic attackparanoid thoughtsreferenced child abuse
All Chapters Forward

lyall lupin sucks

 

euphemia landed harshly at the entrance to the lupins cottage.

 

taking a moment to remind herself to calm down before she apparates again, as she knocks loudly against the light blue door.

she hears rustling for a moment until the large and unruly figure of lyall lupin pulls the door open.

 

“ah euphemia, what ever did i do to deserve this lovely visit?”

he was arrogant, and blatantly drunk as he slurred his words.

 

she rolls her eyes with a huff, “the full was last night lyall, i came to check on your son.”

lyall laughs for a minute as euphemia stands with a raised eye brow.

“i’m sure that’s not necessary. the monsters probably just sleeping it off in his room” he finally speaks airily.

 

the smaller women scoffs, pushing her way into the house and depositing the drunk man onto a couch.

“lyall” she pauses, grabbing his face in her hands

 

“remus has been at my house for hours you utter piece of shit.” she can’t even stand the slight shocked look on his face.

“you left your CHILD, bleeding and bruised alone. when he got to my house he was barely hanging on.” lyall laughs, putting make on his mask of arrogance and narcissism,

 

“he’s a big boy he can handle himself. and so what if the halfbreed dies? good fucking riddance.”

 

shocked, euphemia slaps him right across the face.

 

“remus will not be returning back here. i will have a talk with him tomorrow if he wants to ever see you again but otherwise we will have someoen come by for his stuff.” she turns, making her way to the door, before turning for one last word

 

“hope would be so disappointed in you”

 



 

euphemia returns home after giving herself a minute to breath, and rushes toward her bedroom, where she spends the next twenty minutes explaining dow disgusting lyall lupin is the her husband.

 

”go to bed mia” monty hushes, “we can figure everything out in the morning”

 

euphemia nods as she slowly drifts off, thinking about the life she was going to give this boy.

 


 

it’s early tuesday morning at the potter mansion and james and regulus are the first to make it down to breakfast, (other than euphemia ofc)

 

”hi mum!” james greets cheerily, giving her a kiss on the cheek

effie grins as she hugs her boy back, “morning jamie love” she moves towards regulus, giving him a smile as she ruffles his hair, “and good morning regulus as well” she pauses, looking at the deep purple bags under his eyes, “did you sleep alright honey?”

 

she watched as regulus shrugs lightly, opening and closing his mouth a few times before just settling on a shake of his head

 

ohhh she realises

 

”no words today hon?” she questions with a tilt of her head

and regulus seems to be relieved before pulling his palm infront of his face and shaking it for a moment, the sign for sorry

 

effie tuts at that, “you don’t have to be sorry honey, you can’t help it” she sends him a soft smile, him smiling back before scurrying over to james, who has loaded up a plate of food for the both of them.

 

time passes and euphemia finds herself wondering when her other boys would be down, herself anxious to have a talk with remus.

 

”boys?” she questions towards the two eating at the table, before she hears two unmistakable sets of steps moving down the stars, “oh! never mind” 

 

sirius and remus appear from around the corner of the staircase, sirius holding up the taller boy, who seems to be leaning most of his weight on his boyfriend,

”morning” sirius smiles at effie, turning to murmur at remus for a moment, who in turn looks up, sending a pained smile at effie before gazing around the room, then tilting his head towards the living room.

effie stands confused for a moment before sirius comes bounding back in the room, “his joints are hurting him today” he speaks quietly to his pseudo mother, waiting for the heat pack he had just put in to get heated up.

 

the older potter nods in understanding, she had looked after the poor boy quite a lot since her son had met him, and it always saddened her on these kinds of days, where no one could do anything but heat up heating pads and prepare ice packs, as they wait for his joints to stop causing him hell.



 

the morning moves along slowly, and it’s nearly noon when there are three loud knocks on the door.

everyone in the room stills in their actions,

effie is knitting, her chair facing the couch where remus lays with a cold cloth on his head, sirius sitting down at the end of the couch with remus’ feet on his lap as sirius sketches quietly into a journal of his.

regulus amd james sir on the carpeted ground, james speaking rapidly, his arms flapping in front of him as he rambled happily about quidditch, pausing when regulus chimes in with little comments, but regulus mostly just sits and smiles watching james ramble 

 

the loud ominous knocking shakes the room free of its domestic environment.

 

the older potter knows they were not expecting visitors, so she stands quickly, “don’t worry boys, i’m sure it’s just a neighbour or something” she tries to reassure them,

“stay here for a moment kids”

 

she spoke as calmly as possible, not wanting to freak them out, but also needing them to stay out of whatever it was.

as she walks towards the door she hesitates, sending a patronus to her husband who had left for work early that morning, explaining her worry’s and requesting he come home soon.

 

she wrenches the door open to find a sight that she had been trying to push from her memory for hours.

 

”what are you doing here lyall?.” she spoke firmly

the man in question grinned a bit feral like, and euphemia wondered if he was mentally stable at this moment

 

“oh euphemia how funny you are” he spoke loudly, no doubt loud enough for her boys to hear.

”i’ve come for my son. i have work he needs to do around the house now that he’s done being that beast for a moment.” he grinned and effie had to physically restrain herself from grimacing at the evilness of it.

 

at that moment she felt someone bounce up behind her, “hi mr lupin!!” james spoke.

 

euphemia sighed inwardly, she had forgotten for a moment how far her son would go for his friends.

lyall rolled his eyes but adressed james when he spoke, “child go and grab my halfbreed for me would you? he needs to come home now.”

 

effie was only slightly surprised when she heard james laugh loudly, enough that she huffed out a small laugh with him

“no no no mr lupin” james smiled, leaning against the door frame, blocking lyall view from the house.

 

and ohhhhhh

 

euphemia realised what was going on as james kept talking, and lyalls face got redder, and redder and redder.

“-and that’s also another slur we don’t use-“ james kept on rambling, until lyall pushed past the pair, moving quickly towards the lounge room,

and euphemia just hoped that james had given her boys enough time to get out of here.

 

“hello mr lupin.” 

 

effie recognised that voice with a smile,

 

”fleamont where is the child” lyall said roughly,

and cleary, monty was not having it at all,

”get the fuck out of my house and away from my kids before i call the authorities.” 

 

lyall visibly pulled himself together from that, clearly not expecting anyone to actually try to stop him.

 

“YOU KNOW WHAT?” lyall screamed, smashing the bottle in his hand against the ground (which no one had noticed until now)

”KEEP THE LITTLE MONSTER AWAY THEN. BUT IF I EVER SEE THAT PIECE OF SHIT, BURDEN OF A CHILD EVER AGAIN” he paused his screaming as he was walking towards the door, “IM GOING TO KILL HIM. I WILL END HIS LIFE WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT” and he slams the door.

 

effie and monty stand there for a moment in shock, only coming back to themselves when they hear a sob from the kitchen.

effie moves quickly, turning the corner quickly to find james (who she hadn’t noticed had been faster into the room) speaking quietly to regulus, who’s face was scrunched up and was biting at his own knuckles.

but was smashed her heart into pieces was remus. 

remus the kid who had gone through unimaginable things, but deserved all the love in the world.

remus who was sitting under a bench in the corner of the room, hands over his ears and sobbing.

sirius sat infront of him, pale and shaken from the yelling the had obviously all heard, but was trying his best to soothe his moon. trying to help him breathe


(remus pov)

 

remus knew his dad hated him.

he had told him daily for years, but it still stung you know?

it started when his mum died. his mum was the only one that could convince him to be kinder to remus, and when she passed, his dad became mean.

so so mean

 

but no matter how cruel the man was, remus had always thought at least apart of him loved him. just a little.

but as he is pulled from his nap, his whole body screaming at him, he registers his fathers voice at the door.

”come on rem, we’re just gonna go in here for a minute” sirius had told him.

after a few moments the yelling started.

 

oh

 

remus knew his dad hated him, but he didn’t think it was enough to want him dead

for him to want to do it.

 

a sob came from his body, then another, and another.

he looked up for a moment, seeing both of the black brothers, both looking pale and shaky, and sirius was mouthing words quickly 

huh

he couldn’t hear anything actually so maybe they were just speaking.

there was a roaring in his ears and suddenly he realised his lungs were burning. 

oh

 

maybe it would be better if he stopped breathing.

he doesn’t have a home anymore 

and if he was as much of a burden as his dad says, then he shouldn’t be so selfish to stay with anyone else.

it’s the last thing he thinks before theres nothing at all

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