ch. 16
Regulus woke up to sunlight in his eyes, his dorm didn’t have windows besides the ones in the water.
“Morning sleepy,” Dorcas teased from across the room as Regulus sat up. He’d fallen asleep in the girls’ dorm after the party the night before.
“What time is it?” He groaned, pulling his hands into the sleeves of Evan’s jumper.
“Late, like ten or so. Bea went to get the boys, we were going to eat in here and find a way to sneak us all out.”
“Alright,” he shrugged, “wait how are you not fucked right now?”
“Hangover potion,” she smiled and nodded towards the bottle on the dresser. “Bea said to have as much as you need, just to save enough for Pandora, Barty, and Evan once they’re up.”
“I actually don’t feel too bad,” he lied, his head was throbbing but he knew that hie others would need it more than he did. If there was any left by the time they felt better he’d say he had a headache and take the last bit, but a cranky Evan was always worse than a headache.
“Alright suit yourself,” Dorcas shrugged, “Pan’s is still out cold, probably sleeping off the weed which is good I suppose.”
“Yeah Evan and Barty will probably be just as bad off,” Regulus laughed, “neither of them holds their alcohol well.”
“I’m not surprised,” she smirked, tucking a strand of Pandora’s hair behind her ear as she slept. Her face softened as a thought occurred to her, “Can I ask you something Regulus?”
“I believe you did just ask me something,” he challenged.
She raised a brow before continuing, “Last night, I mean I should’ve been asleep but you said something about love? I understand if you don’t want to talk about it but I just thought you should know that I’m here to talk if you wanted.”
That caught Regulus off guard, he’d always seen Dorcas as more of a straight-to-the-point, sarcastic, take-no-shit kind of person. He’d seen her get flustered when it came to Marlene, or when she was happy for her friends, but he’d never seen her be so openly available to deal with emotions before.
“You obviously don’t have to tell me anything but I just thought maybe… I don’t know maybe it’s stupid, sorry…” she responded to the prolonged silence. “That was probably just supposed to be for Bea’s ears.”
“What no!” Regulus scrunched his brows, “no I…” he took a breath. “I’d shout it from the rooftops if I could, but sometimes we make bad decisions right? Besides I was drunk, and I probably didn’t even know what I was saying.”
That was a lie. Regulus knew exactly what he’d said, it was the first time he’d been entirely sure of it too. He loved James. James was his.
“Alright,” she smiled softly back at him.
“Oh stop pouting,” the door swung open and Bea pushed Evan and Barty in. They both looked like ghosts, their faces were white and it was obvious neither of them felt good at all. “Oh, Regulus is up. Good!”
“I thought you said you were gonna sleep on the floor!” Evan pointed to where he was still under the covers in Bea’s bed.
“He was too far gone to sleep on the floor Evan,” Bea defended.
“Yeah but that’s your bed!” He complained.
“Ev,” Barty whined, “too loud.”
“I didn’t sleep with your sister Evan,” Regulus rolled his eyes, grabbing the potion bottle off the dresser and pulling himself out of bed to give it to the boys.
“Oh ew, no thank you,” Bea laughed as she watched the relief wash over her brother’s face. “Regulus is certainly not my type, I’m more into blondes.”
“Don’t forget the pink!” Dorcas giggled, and Bea’s cheeks turned a bright shade of pink.
Now that Regulus knew who she fancied it was much easier to catch onto the hits that the girls were constantly dropping. Bea had been friends with Pandora and Dorcas much longer than the boys had, so he assumed they had known about Vivian Aisling far longer than he had.
“I don’t even want to know,” Evan threw his hands up.
“You’re insufferable,” Bea joked, “now drink that potion before you throw up all over my floor please.”
Evan rolled his eyes but took the bottle out of Barty’s hand and took a long sip, the color immediately returning to his face as his shoulder dropped slightly.
“Merlin, how are you so good at making this?”
“Andrew asks for it a lot,” she snorted.
“Pretty boy Andrew? Your brother? Asks you to make him hangover potions?” Barty’s jaw dropped.
“Yeah, I think you’d be surprised what he gets up to,” Evan and Bea laughed, their family was almost as dysfunctional as Regulus’, though they had a much easier time making fun of it.
“Do you all want breakfast?”
Everyone nodded and Bea called one of the house elves up.
“Ziggy? Can we get some food up here please?” She knelt down to be on the same level as the elf, regulus had always admired how kindly she treated them.
“Yes of course miss Rosier!” She gave the creature a look and it corrected itself quickly. “Miss Bea…”
“Progress,” she smiled. “Could we just have enough for us? Whatever you’ve got ready in the kitchens is perfect we don’t need anything special.”
“Yes miss Bea!” The elf grinned slightly before disappearing with a pop.
“Dorcas, do you want to try Pandora again?” Regulus asked as he sat in a circle with the rest of his friends.
“Yeah sure,” Dorcas got up and sat on the edge of the bed and shook Pandora’s shoulder, she whined and rolled over on her side. “Pansssss we’ve got food.”
“Five more minutes,” she mumbled into the pillow and pulled the blankets up more.
“No, you said that an hour ago,” Dorcas argued gently, pulling the covers back down. “Get up and have some of the hangover potions and some food and you’ll feel better.”
Pandora just groaned again and sat up. Her hair was a mess and her makeup was smudged on her face, she wrapped the pink duvet around her shoulders and went to sit in a circle on the floor.
“How exactly did you manage to get your roommates out?” Regulus questioned as he realized that Bea wasn’t the only one to live in the dorm.
“Well Emma went off with Avery, and I’m pretty sure I saw Liza go up with Theodore Nott. I’m not sure where Z went but sometimes she just disappears for a few days at a time. They’re all probably stressing about how to get the girls out of the dorms without drawing too much attention.”
“What about us all in here?” Barty asked.
“They know what’s good for them,” Bea said vaguely.
The elf arrived just in time for her to get away with the statement without questioning, two platters of food and a pitcher of pumpkin juice floated next to Ziggy’s head as she gently set mugs of either coffee or hot chocolate in front of each person.
“Thank you Ziggy,” Bea smiled.
“Of course miss Bea, you’ve always been kind to Ziggy,” the elf grinned as it set down the plates of food in the center of the circle. “Will the Slytherin masters be needing anything else?”
“No we’re alright,” Regulus answered, “Thank you though.”
“Yes yes, master Black,” the elf disappeared again with a pop.
Once food hit everyone's plates there was no talking, Pandora seemed to brighten up after her third fried egg and a large glass of pumpkin juice, and a bit of hangover potion. Regulus decided against having any after he’d eaten his food, the headache had subsided enough he didn’t see the reason for making a fuss over nothing. The group seemed to fall into a food coma after they’d finished eating, Barty was laying in Evan’s lap with Evan’s legs straddled around his torso, Bea was laying on her stomach with her head in her arms, Pandora was still wrapped up in blankets, and Dorcas and Regulus were leaned up against different beds with their legs crossed.
The girl's dorm was brighter than the boys’, their rooms were closer to the surface of the lake so small beams of light made patterns dance across the walls while also allowing the sun to warm up the atmosphere. Regulus had always loved the sun, maybe that’s why he’d decided to associate James with the sun, maybe he wanted to make James the center of his universe as well. Part of him was scared though, part of him worried that he’d fallen too quickly. Not that he’d just up and fallen in love with James in the last few months - no he’d loved James for far longer than that.
Regulus fell in love with James Potter when he was eleven years old the day his brother had come home for the summer holidays. He was a presence even then. At twelve years old James Potter had the audacity to tell Walburga Black that ‘If Sirius comes back to school with so much as a scratch on him I will personally destroy your life. Er… well I’ll hire a lawyer to destroy your life. The point is I’m going to make sure he’s okay.’
In the end, it'd accomplished the exact opposite of what he’d been hoping to do but that wasn’t what mattered. He’d been so willing to put his neck on the line for his friend - for Regulus’ brother. He was so confident, it made Regulus’ heart flutter in a way he’d never felt before. Back then he’d pegged it as platonic, but now… Well, now he’d be concerned if he viewed James in a platonic way.
It’d taken him a long time to admit to himself that he was gay. He’d hated it for years, he’d hated it when he was kissing Barty, and he’d hated it when he felt his heart skip again when he heard that James had taken Sirius in. He was supposed to be perfect, and being gay wasn’t perfect. But James was pretty damn close to perfect. So it couldn’t be quite as bad as he thought it was when he was younger.
Besides he wasn’t the only gay person he knew, it was surprising how many of his friends were like him really. Nearly everyone in the room was attracted to the same gender in one way or another, the only person he didn’t know about for sure was Pandora but he wasn’t going to put her in a box.
Regulus let his mind wander for a while before there was another distinct pop as Ziggy returned for the dishes.
“Ziggy has brought the young masters their mail from this morning,” the elf handed Bea a small stack of parchment before gathering the plates and silverware on a tray and popping away again.
“Okay let's see here,” Bea flicked through the mail. “Doe! Looks like your brother maybe,” she tossed a thick-looking envelope over to the other girl who tore it open and began reading. “Regulus,” she handed him a slip of paper.
James handwriting.
He unfolded it quickly and skimmed the page,
March 23rd
Scheduled patrol for Regulus Black and James Potter.
You ready yet?
Xx J.P
Prefect duties. Regulus had been avoiding them all term, the thought of having to make nice conversation with anyone for three hours made him physically sick. Not to mention he’d only been paired with James once during the entirety of the second term, which happened to be tonight apparently. James had been quick to take Regulus’ place whenever necessary, Regulus had told him back in January that he just wasn’t feeling up to it quite yet and James had been entirely understanding about the whole ordeal.
“Reg you’ve got another,” Bea handed him a dark green envelope with perfect cursive handwriting on the back.
“Your mum?” Barty questioned gently.
“No,” Regulus stared at the penmanship on the back. It was far too showy to be from his mother. “I don’t know,” he set the letter down beside him and stood up. “I’ll deal with it tomorrow, Bea do you have a bit of parchment I could use?”
“Top left drawer on my dresser,” she hummed, not taking her eyes off the letter in her hands.
Regulus walked over and rummaged through the drawer until he found something without doodles or writing and a quill.
I think I’m ready yes. I’ll meet you in our usual spot.
Yours,
R.A.B
Yours. He’d always signed his letters off that way, though with James it felt so personal he almost scratched it out, he didn’t want to come off as too much.
“You can use Oiseau if you want,” Bea nodded to the owl perch in the corner where a tiny speckled owl sat with its head in its wing.
“You named your owl bird?” Regulus laughed as realization dawned on the name.
“Maybe,” she bit her bottom lip to keep from laughing.
“That was my reaction too,” Evan offered with a chuckle.
“What is it with you posh people speaking French?” Barty laughed.
“Oh shut up you know Italian,” Pandora teased. “Besides most of us are French.”
“Fuck you guys are crazy,” Dorcas snorted. “I tried to learn Zulu when I was young but gave up after about a month.”
“I don’t even remember being taught French,” Regulus mused as he tied the parchment around Oiseau’s leg.
“Learning Italian was brutal,” Barty groaned. “Though mum was much more patient when teaching it than father was.”
“I can’t imagine your father being patient enough to even have a conversation with you now,” Evan laughed.
“Neither can I,” he replied with a smirk, which sent the entire room into a fit.
“I don’t know how any of us are patient enough for you sometimes,” Bea jabbed, which earned her a pillow to the face by her brother and it escalated from there.
…
“You’re late,” James smiled from his spot leaning up against the wall.
“A wizard is never late,” Regulus recited with a laugh. “Nor is he early,” he allowed James to say the rest with him. “He arrives precisely when he means to.”
“Who decided to give you and your freakishly good memory Tolkien again?” James laughed as he pushed himself off the wall before kissing Regulus quickly on the head.
“Oh hush,” Regulus rolled his eyes, glancing both directions before they set off down the hall. “That would be something Dumbledore would say.”
“Oh he totally would,” James laughed, his eyes closing as he did. Regulus smiled softly as he felt his cheeks heat up. James looked down at him and a blush bloomed across his own face, he laced their fingers together before Regulus could protest and they fell into a rhythmic silence. “I’m happy you came,” James said quietly after a minute.
“So am I. Though, you’re lucky I could even pull myself out of bed this morning really,” he replied.
“Enjoy the afterparty then did you?” James raised a brow and Regulus rolled his eyes.
“Contrary to popular belief Slytherins do not have boring dinner parties as afterparties.”
“I’m sure you don’t,” James teased, clearly unconvinced. “What’d you have to drink? Red wine?”
“I mostly had whiskey, though someone made those muggle jello shots which were good. Evan and Barty got their hands on a bottle of vodka from Flint at one point.”
“I’m sorry jello shots?”
“Yes, they’re like these-” James covered his mouth gently and laughed.
“No, I know what they are. I’m just picturing you and Crouch and Rosier drinking them from little crystal chalices or something.” Regulus turned a bright shade of pink and his eyes widened. “Oh no, you didn’t…” James slapped a hand over his mouth and squealed.
“Okay well, it’s all we had!” Regulus defended.
“Oh I’m never going to let you live this down,” James poked him in the chest - right on his scar. He flinched slightly and James’ face immediately softened. “Reg?”
“It’s fine,” he assured the older boy. “Just an old scar.”
“That's not fine,” James huffed. “You shouldn’t even have scars. I mean sometimes I forget, being around Sirius and Moony all the time-” he caught himself.
“I know Lupin has scars, James,” Regulus said quickly. “You don’t have to explain it.”
He nodded, “did it happen over Christmas?”
“No,” Regulus said quietly. “This one’s from summer. I shouldn’t even complain really, Sirius got far worse off that night.”
James seemed to understand enough to not press.
“I didn’t get any over the holidays,” he continued. He thought that was true, he’d gotten a bruise on his neck and a few cuts along his cheek but they’d all healed nicely.
“Sirius wouldn’t tell me what happened,” James admitted quietly. “To you or to him.”
“Yeah, my brother must’ve been pretty messed up when he showed back up,” Regulus laughed grimly as he remembered the state they’d left Sirius in before he’d left again.
“Yeah, he didn’t even wake up for a few days because of the potions…” James pursed his lips and pulled Regulus to the side of the hall. Taking both hands in his and nudging his chin up so they were looking at one another. “You don’t have to tell me if you’re not ready but if you are I’m here to listen.”
“Yeah,” Regulus’ voice broke as he stared into James’s eyes. “I’m ready I think…”
James sat down on the window ledge and pulled Regulus up next to him so their thighs were touching.
“They named me their heir… and I mean normally that specifically wouldn’t be a big deal. But my family is a bit unorthodox and well… they like using the traditional methods.” regulus took a deep breath and forced himself to recall every detail of the ceremony he could remember. “Typically when a son is born into the family there’s a spell cast over him within the first few seconds. The spell is specific to ancient families and requires ancestral texts and whatnot, but it also requires the ‘first breaths in this world.’ Which of course isn’t exactly something you can just recreate, so they kill you. Well, they use a modified potion or spell that kills you but allows for you to be revived. They used some kind of modified liquid death... Which was really just to punish Sirius I think. I mean I was never meant to be their heir in the first place they wanted him not me…”
James enveloped his arms around Regulus’ body and pulled them together.
“Oh, Reggie…” James whispered into his ear.
Regulus became aware of his body shaking and his eyes watering as James grounded him. He wanted to tell him more, but as time passed he couldn’t picture the night clearly. He remembered the pain, and pain was quite a difficult thing to explain to someone. Especially when that someone didn’t grow up in similar circumstances.
“It’s okay mon étoile,” James stumbled through the pronunciation. Regulus came up from where he’d buried his face in James’ shoulder and choked on a laugh. “Was it that bad?” James grimaced.
“Just a bit,” Regulus smiled, using the back of his hand to wipe away his tears.
“I mean I would’ve asked Sirius but…” James gave him a knowing look. “I used a book from the library, though the pronunciation key wasn’t very helpful.”
“You tried to learn french for me James…” Regulus sighed, smiling up at James. “Je ne sais vraiment pas comment quelqu'un peut être si parfait l’amour.”
“One day I swear I’m going to know what you’re saying,” James chuckled. He took Regulus’ face in his hand and pulled him in. Their lips connected and Regulus was greeted by the comfort of the taste of cherry and mint once again.
His own hands snaked around James’ torso and he grabbed onto his shirt as if it were a lifeline. James’ fingers locked into his hair and he pulled Regulus into his lap.
“James,” Regulus whispered into their kiss.
“Mhm,” James hummed as he adjusted their position on the window sill. The ground was just a few feet below them but Regulus still felt nervous as James pulled them closer to the edge.
“Nevermind,” Regulus whispered as he allowed James to pull their bodies closer.
James’ hands were warm against his neck, their foreheads pressed together as James moved from his mouth to his jaw, planting kisses as he went. He didn’t stop Regulus when his hands slipped beneath James’ jumper and held onto his back, he didn’t shift away as he kissed the base of James’ jaw, and Regulus didn’t stop James when he pulled his legs so they wrapped around his torso.
“Hold on okay?” James smiled and Regulus nodded and moved his hands up so they were wrapped around James’ shoulders.
James stood up and lifted Regulus with him, which allowed a squeal to escape from his lips. He allowed James to carry him for a few meters before he was pressed back up against a wall and James’ finger was pressed to his lips.
“What-” Regulus questioned as James set him down gently. Had he done something wrong? Did they go too fast?
“Filch,” James mouthed and straightened his jumper, taking Regulus’ hand and pulling him around the corner.
They saw the cat before they saw Filch, Miss. Noris was always the warning. She was a strange creature in Regulus’ opinion, she was old, and her coat had begun to get more coarse, but it was her eyes that really made him uneasy. Miss. Noris had huge yellow eyes that seemed to glow in the dark, more of the time he was far too mesmerized by the cat to even notice Filch’s presence, but tonight was much different because as soon as the man rounded the corner and caught sight of the two boys he yelled.
“Stay where you are!” he demanded and both James and Regulus froze in place, he ran over to them in a strange limpy manner and it took all of Regulus’ will not to laugh at the man. James wasn’t so lucky and a scoff escaped his lips a few moments before the man reached them. “Think somethings funny hmm? What would two students such as yourselves be doing out of bed at this hour?” he glanced down to where James’ fingers were still intertwined with Regulus’. The younger boy wrenched his hand away and stared at his feet in embarrassment for a moment as James spoke.
“We’re on patrol Mr. Filch,” James beamed, though anyone could hear the glee behind his voice at being able to get away with something that would've gotten him in trouble any other time.
“Badges Potter,” the man grunted, though he did know the title they both held. The boys both pointed to the small silver pins attached to their jumpers. “Fine then, finish up quickly and head back to your dorm.”
He stormed off with Miss. Noris in tow and the boys waited until he rounded the corner to burst out laughing.
“Well that would’ve been awkward,” James snickered, taking Regulus’ hand back in his own. “Shall I walk you back to your dorm mon étoile?”
“Learn how to pronounce that and maybe I’ll think about it next time,” Regulus rolled his eyes as James blushed.
“Y’know we don’t have another meeting scheduled before break…” James said quietly.
“You’re going home?” Regulus cocked his head.
“Well yeah, you aren’t?”
Regulus shook his head no, “Maman wants me here. I think she and father are going to France for a business deal,” the business being with the dark lord. To speak about his training over the summer.
“Maybe you could come to mine then! I’m sure Sirius wouldn’t mind and maybe we could even tell my parents and him, I know you’re not ready for large scale but none of them would ever tell your family and it would be so fun! Remus is coming over and-” regulus placed his hand over James’ mouth gently and gave him a sad smile.
“I can’t l’amour,” he whispered. “You know I can’t tell anyone about this,” he motioned between their bodies. “One day I will though, and I swear to you we can scream it from the fucking rooftops if you want okay?”
James nodded as he chewed his lower lip. He always did that when he was thinking. One thing that James Potter was not used to was not getting his way.
“How about we meet tomorrow night?” Regulus offered.
“Yeah alright,” James sighed disappointedly.
“Goodnight l’amour,” Regulus kissed James’ cheek and turned away. But James grabbed his wrist and flipped him around, grabbing his waist and pulling them close once again. Regulus’ chest tightened as James slammed their lips together again in perfect form.
When he pulled away they were both out of breath, “goodnight mon étoile.”
Regulus laughed and turned away again, “learn how to do it right Potter.”
James didn’t respond as he walked away, part of him wished that he would run after the younger boy and they could continue what they’d started earlier. He thought of the way their bodies had fit together so perfectly, like a puzzle. Maybe Pandora had been right about him being the missing piece - though he doubted she’d meant it so literally.
He didn’t even realize he’d made it all the way back to the common room until he was standing in front of the tapestry.
“Serpens,” he muttered and the tapestry split in two and revealed a large set of double doors. He slipped inside and made his way up to the dorms. Of course, he’d forgotten to knock so when Regulus pushed the door open without much of a thought there was a startled whimper from his friends who made quick work of jumping apart.
Regulus swore and covered his eyes as they untangled their limbs and pulled up the covers of Barty’s bed.
“You’re early,” Evan whined.
“Yeah well, Filch said to come back!” Regulus exclaimed. “Fucking hell you two.”
“Sorry Reg,” Barty groaned, Regulus heard his feet hit the ground and the sound of his clothes being pulled back on.
“I’m just going to go and change…” he mumbled, making sure not to look at either of his friends as he knelt next to his trunk and pulled out a pair of bottoms and Evan’s quidditch jumper which he’d stolen from Bea.
As soon as the bathroom door closed Regulus heard his friends start laughing at one another for their thoughtlessness. He was still on such a high to James that he didn’t find the experience to be quite as mortifying as he would’ve any other day, though as he washed his face Regulus tried to scrub away any recollection of the events. He opened his drawer and pulled out another bottle of the lavender potion and downed it in one gulp. His eyes had already begun to feel heavy as he stumbled from the bathroom and onto his bed.
“We really are sorry Reg,” Evan said as soon as he’d left the adjoined room.
“Mhm,” Regulus mumbled into his pillow as he closed his eyes and curled up under the blankets.
“He had more of that potion didn’t he,” he heard Barty whisper as his mind started to slip out of consciousness.
“Yeah, we need to do something soon,” he heard Evan’s voice fall away from the world as sleep closed in around his body.
…
Evan and Barty were still apologizing profusely at Breakfast the next morning, and thankfully Pandora and Dorcas had decided to sit with their other friends that morning and Bea knew well enough not to ask any questions.
“Just shut up please,” Regulus snapped, setting his coffee mug down harshly. “The only thing you’re accomplishing is putting it all back into my head and that’s something I’d like to forget at all costs.”
“Understood,” Barty nodded and stared at his food for a minute before eating.
“Oh mails here,” Bea smiled as owls started to fly into the hall and drop letters and parcels about. Regulus recognized his family's horned owl before it even dived down to pass on his letters. Bea caught the pair of letters from Oiseau and handed one off to Evan.
Regulus picked his up from the table and noticed the same handwriting from the envelope he’d gotten the day before. He hadn’t bothered opening it before seeing James and certainly didn’t want to deal with it after walking in on Barty and Evan.
“Are you joking?” Bea groaned from the other side of the table, “they want me home but not you? I’d rather pitch myself from the astronomy tower than spend a week alone with mother father and Andrew.”
“Yeah sounds like hell,” Evan replied dryly. “Barty, are you allowed to have guests again?”
“I can’t,” he said with a sigh. “Mum’ staking me to Italy to see some distant relatives.”
“Reg please tell me you’re stuck here too then?”
“Yeah maman never wants me home,” Regulus said dismissively.
“Oh thank Merlin, I don’t want to be stuck alone.”
“You could just come back with me anyways,” Bea suggested.
“They told me and I quote; ‘do not return to the house over the spring holiday under any circumstances.’”
Bea hit her forehead in defeat and turned back to her pancakes, stabbing each bite as if it were her parents.
Regulus turned his attention back to the letter and decided to tear it open just in case it was from family.
Hello Regulus,
I’m not sure if you received my letter yesterday so I’ve sent it to you again. Though I believed it might be more appropriate to have this conversation in person I’ve been informed by aunt Walburga that you’re not returning for the spring holiday. I would’ve liked to see you really, Lucius and I have decided to begin trying for a child which is very exciting, and I do hope when that day comes you’ll be involved in my child’s life. You’d certainly make a good uncle.
Unfortunately, though I didn’t write to speak of such passive subjects. Bella has recently informed me of your choice to join the Dark Lord, and though I know you were not given much of a choice I do hope you are at least attempting to find a loophole. I do not think it is wise for someone so young to see their life away to that man. I do hope that you have fully considered the repercussions of joining the war at this time, and I hope that you know exactly what it is that you’ve gotten yourself wrapped up in before you go through with it.
On the off chance that you do indeed wish to join the dark Lord’s army then I surely hope you are careful in what you wish for.
Best of luck with your OWLS and have a lovely rest of the term,
Always yours,
Narcissa
Regulus read it once. Then twice. Narcissa didn’t want him to get involved. She was the wife of a death eater and she didn’t want him involved in the war. Narcissa had been brought up around just as much darkness as he had, she knew the norms of their society and she was scared. R at least that’s what it sounded like in her letter. His stomach tightened slightly and his eyes became unfocused.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
He caught his breath in time and tried to focus on his friends but none of them were talking. Evan and Barty were busy eating and Bea was sulking at the fact she had to go home by herself the next day.
“We should probably get to class,” Regulus managed.
“Oh shit yeah we’re going to be late,” Barty glanced up at the clock and set his toast back onto his plate.
“Yeah let's get going,” Evan grabbed his bag and they all followed him out of the hall. Their first class that day was Defence Against the Dark Arts. Which to the four of them was pretty much useless, they already knew how to guard themselves against dangerous magic, they’d been doing it their whole lives. Though their defense involved less of a magical approach and more of an agreeable and quiet attitude.
Regulus slumped down in an empty seat, Barty and Evan had taken to sitting together and Bea always sat in the back. Though now when he saw the pink-haired Hufflepuff sit beside her a part of him understood her choice. If he could get away with being close to James like that he would do it too.
Pandora came in a few minutes later and sat with him, she didn’t talk, regulus assumed she could get a read on how he was feeling and decided against pushing his limits.
The hour dragged on and he started to doubt his ability to make it through the rest of the day. By the time the hour had finished, he’d filled half a parchment with sketches. Most of which were James’ face, he’d made sure that his arm was obstructing his paper from anyone’s eyes but his own.
“Remember fifth years that on return from your holiday, we will be tackling Boggarts! This will be a majority of your OWL grade so make sure you are familiar with the incantation and necessary means to banish a boggart and feel comfortable writing an essay on them as well please,” the professor called after the group of students as they made a break for the door.
Boggarts. Of course, their OWL was going to be on boggarts. The one lesson that none of his friends wanted to face. Regulus didn’t even know what his worst fear was, but he certainly wasn’t keen on the idea of it being broadcasted to the entire year. He switched his brain to autopilot after that, he had no desire to think about what he was doing for the rest of the day, he only wanted James. He needed James really.
James had become a constant in his life, he’d become Regulus’ safe place. James was dangerous for Regulus, he was a weakness, but he was also a strength. He made sure Regulus didn’t crumble into pieces, whether or not he knew it at that time.
Dinner came and went and he’d come with a shitty excuse to leave the dorm, but Evan and Barty were quite happy to have the dorm to themselves for a few hours though they did promise to be decent when he returned. It’d taken nearly all of his strength not to run through the halls to find their room, and when the doors appeared after pacing back and forth a few times he felt a wave of relief wash over his skin.
They’d used the room every Friday and Monday since James had discovered it for them, and it had changed ever so slightly to fit them better. For example, the room was never quiet, there was always something playing on the muggle recond player settled in the corner, sometimes it was classical or jazz, and sometimes it would be some muggle bands that James liked. Regulus had also found that the posters on the back wall had changed to fit both his and James’ personalities. There were posters for artists and quidditch teams that Regulus loved scattered around with those that James loved.
“Hi,” James’ voice came from behind where Regulus stood in the middle of the room. Just his voice was enough to push him over the edge. Regulus felt his arms tighten around his sides and his throat start to close. “Reg?” He didn’t move. He couldn’t. “Reggie, are you okay?” James moved closer and came in front of the smaller boy.
Regulus clenched his eyes shut and allowed James’ hands to pull him in and lift him off the ground and onto the couch.
“Reggie talk to me what’s wrong?” James rubbed his hand under Regulus’ jumper and stroked his back gently.
“I can’t-” he shook his head and held onto his sides tighter, his nails dug into his skin until it felt like it would break and he fought back tears. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want to take the mark, he didn’t want to lose James. Because taking the mark was losing James. It would be as if the sun vanished from the sky and left darkness to surround a single star in an empty void.
“Shh,” James whispered, pulling Regulus into his lap and pulling his nails out of his side. “Whatever it is it’ll be alright,” James continued rubbing his back, and he took Regulus’ hands in his other hand.
No, it won’t. It won’t because in two months I’m selling myself away to the Dark Lord. Because in two months I’ll have to hide from you. In two months you’ll have every reason in the world to hate me, James. I would hate myself too. I do hate myself.
“I don’t want to lose you,” Regulus whispered, still choking back his tears.
“You won’t,” James assured him.
“They’ll make me leave,” he said again.
“I’ll fight for you,” James replied, his voice not wavering a bit.
“They’d kill you,” Regulus whispered. “They’d kill me too.”
“I don’t care,” James said quietly. “Regulus I want to be with you. And I’m not going to let some cruel prudes take you away from me okay?”
Regulus laughed softly, the tightness in his body starting to fade. “Okay James,” he sighed. Because okay was easier than arguing. He didn’t want to argue, even though he knew James couldn’t be right. He’d find out about the mark next year - it was inevitable. And he’d leave. He’d leave and break both their hearts.
“I love you Regulus,” James’ voice was barely loud enough to hear.
Regulus froze. Of course. It was exactly what he needed to hear, and it was the last thing he wanted to hear. Because the truth was that Regulus loved James too, he’d known it for a few days, he was just scared to say anything.
“Je t'aime aussi mon amour,” he let the words fall from his lips in his language. French felt appropriate for the statement. The language barrier helped too, it was easier to say something that only one person understood.
James’ lips were on his the moment he got the words from his mouth, Regulus felt him bite the bottom of his lip gently and he opened his own to allow James access. Kissing James was perfect. His legs closed around James’ torso and he felt James press his shoulder down so they were lying flat on the couch. His hands moved back to under James’ shirt and he flinched slightly as James’ hands moved to his trousers. His finger traced Regulus’ hip gently as the other snaked around his back.
“James,” Regulus whispered as they pulled apart for a breath.
“Not ready?” James questioned softly, not an ounce of annoyance in his voice.
“I… no I am but…” Regulus struggled for a moment before finding the right wording. “Not tonight… can we just lay tonight?”
“Of course,” James smiled, he moved off of Regulus and cast an extension charm on the couch so there was enough room for them to lay side by side.
“I’m sorry,” Regulus muttered as he laid back.
“Reggie I’m never going to ask you to do something you’re not ready for,” James promised, taking his hand.
“Thank you,” Regulus smiled slightly. “It’s not that I’m not ready exactly but…”
“It’s just not for tonight,” James finished.
“Yeah,” Regulus moved closer to James and laid his head on the other boy’s chest. They sat in silence for a while, long enough that Regulus was surprised when James’ voice whispered in his ear.
“Can you say it in English?”
Regulus knew exactly what he meant, and he didn’t need to think about the words before they were on his lips, “I love you James. I really love you,” he whispered back.
He could feel James smile as his arms wrapped around Regulus’ body. The record player lulled him to sleep and for the first time in months, James was all that Regulus dreamt about.