Ch. 11
Regulus got to the station an hour early on January 3rd, more than ready to be rid of his mother for the next four months. She’d been hesitant to allow him to go so early, claiming that ‘anything could happen to him’. He’d just reminded her that it was going to be quite abandoned for the majority of the time, and promised that he wouldn’t wander into the muggle section. That seemed to be the piece of information she’d been hoping to hear as she agreed to allow him to go quite soon after.
“Thank you Krecher,” Regulus smiled at the elf who was clutching his wrist. “You can go home now yeah?”
“Yes of course master,” the elf dipped his head slightly, looking up to Regulus for approval.
“I’ll be home over the summer I promise,” Regulus assured him with a warm smile. Knowing that the elf was probably dreading four months alone in the house with Walburga as much as Regulus was excited to be away from it.
“Yes,” Krecher nodded, “yes master will be returning home at the summer. Mistress Black will be making quite sure,” he nodded to himself again, looking up one more time at Regulus - who gave him a short nod - before apparating away from the platform.
Regulus was alone now. The silence covering the station wasn’t chilling as it seemed at home, instead, it was like a blanket that wrapped around Regulus, keeping him safe. He found himself sitting in a corner on one of the rows of seats that lined the walls of the station, he rummaged through his bag for a moment before pulling out a snitch. He held it in his palm for a moment before it opened its wings and zipped about around Regulus’ head. It had been a gift from Evan a year ago, it was charmed to stay close to him but still put up a fight to be caught. That was so whenever Regulus needed a distraction he could pull it out without causing too much of a scene.
He let it fly around a bit, stretching its wings before Regulus would try and collect it. He loved the way it glistened in the morning light, the soft hum of its wings as it zipped about the space. Eventually, Regulus closed his eyes and just listened to the beating of the wings, allowing his senses to fall away almost entirely as he followed the sound of the snitch. Then he pounced, jumping up and closing his fingers around the cold metal. A smile stretched across his face as he opened his eyes, he loved the feeling of the freezing gold under his fingertips.
He also loved being alone. Over the last week he’d realized that being alone with his own thoughts was the only way to get the spinning to stop. His memories still weren’t quite right, something about the last fifteen years of his life just wasn’t sitting right with him, it was like there was a veil around him. Separating his current body from his past memories tucked away in his head.
He’d tried to speak to Narcissa about what happened but she was gone away on her honeymoon now and Bella had been very… possessive for the last week. She never left his side other than when she was called away on assignment or at night. They didn’t talk exactly, but she was always there, just watching him. Regulus suspected that she and his mother were worried that he would try and run now that he knew what was to come, neither of them had expected him to choose to be marked over the summer, they assumed that he would take the safer option, but then again he’d been full of surprises lately.
The only thing he could clearly remember was the one thing that could get him into a bigger mess if it got out. He remembered the way that James’ lips had felt against his own, he remembered the tangy sweet that lingered on his tongue, he remembered the way his heart had ached for more the rest of the night even after he’d panicked. He remembered every second of James and it was beautiful.
“Oh, Reggie,” a voice sang from across the empty platform. Regulus smiled as he looked over at his best friends. “Good to see you alive darling,” Barty teased, which was met by a sharp jab in his side by Evan.
“Good to be alive,” Regulus returned, forcing a smile across his face as he tried to prove to Evan that he was alright. He didn’t seem to buy it.
“You look like shit,” he raised a brow. “Have you eaten anything all break?”
“Of course I’ve eaten Evan, I very much doubt I’d be here right now if I hadn’t,” Regulus retorted.
“Well you look like you haven’t,” he crossed his arms over his chest, “Barty have you got those muffins your mum sent us with?”
“Huh? Oh yeah, one sec!” Barty rummaged around in his satchel for a moment before pulling out a brown paper bag. “Here ya go! We’ve got blueberry, chocolate chip, lemon poppy seed, and I think there's one white chocolate chip raspberry left.”
Evan snatched the bag and held it out to Regulus. He didn’t really want one, but he figured it would get Evan off his back a bit. He took a chocolate chip one from the bag and broke a bit of the crisp off the edge, popping it in his mouth and smirking at Evan.
It tasted like wet concrete to Regulus, though these days food didn’t taste like much at all. He forced himself to swallow and turned away for a moment to hide the pained expression.
“Everything okay Reg?” Evan asked, still trying to prove his point.
“Yes everything's fine,” he replied through gritted teeth, putting on another smile and turning back to his friends.
“Reg y’know you can talk to us right?” Barty asked gently, smiling very subtly.
“Yeah of course, but I’m really okay. It’s all a bit hazy really but I’m alright now I promise.”
“Good…”
Barty and Evan seemed to have had a good holiday, they’d both loved the gifts Reg had sent them in the post. He’d given them both tickets to see the Puddlemere Quidditch game in Scotland over the summer with him, they’d stay at the Black family manor with his aunt and uncle for the weekend. He was really hoping he could hold off the mark for as long as he could, he didn’t want to miss out on being a kid any more than he already had, and he wanted to spend the rest of his school years doing something stupid. Maybe falling in love? Regulus didn’t know but he wanted anything but to be held down by the war.
…
“Earth to Regulus,” Evan waved his hand in front of the other boy’s eyes.
“Hmh?” Regulus hummed, refocusing his eyes. They were about five hours into the train ride and his headache was getting worse and worse.
“Uh,” Evan’s eyes shot to the door where a very exhausted-looking Sirius was standing, a long silver scar now spanning across his lip.
“I’ll go tell him to fuck off if you’d like,” Barty offered, narrowing his eyes at the older Black. “Maybe teach him to not come knocking ‘round here?”
“No,” he mumbled. Sometimes Regulus forgot the lengths Barty would go to make him and Evan happy, he was worried he’d start using them as an excuse one day soon. “No, I’ll deal with it.”
“You sure?” Evan asked, his eyes also dark as he looked at Sirius, who was now giving Regulus a proper scowl.
“Yes Evan,” Regulus sighed, pushing himself up and trying not to let vertigo drag him down back again. He slid the door open just enough to slip out before pushing it closed again. “Sirius?”
“James said you didn’t come to the prefect meeting,” he said, his face was blank as he looked at Regulus.
“Yeah I wasn’t feeling well,” he shot back, his voice scratchy.
“How long have you not been feeling well?” He asked, yanking his little brother down the hall and into a new compartment that was occupied by a few little kids. “Get lost for a minute yeah?” He demanded, and they all scrambled quickly as they could out of the car.
“Regulus how long have you not been feeling well?” Sirius demanded again.
“I-I don’t know like a few days? I don’t even know how long it’s been since…” he trailed off.
‘Drink it Regulus. You really don’t want me to make you,’ Bella hissed, shoving a cup of swirling silver liquid toward him.
‘Bella please…’ he mumbled, feeling the tears well up in his eyes.
She took a handful of his hair and forced his head back as she poured it down his throat. He gagged and coughed but in the end, enough of it made its way down.
‘Better,’ she smirked, and his vision went blurry…
“Reg,” Sirius was gripping his shoulders, pulling him back to reality.
“Sorry,” Regulus muttered, “I’m fine really.”
“Your eyes are bloodshot Reg,” Sirius said firmly. “You look as though you haven’t eaten in a month, you're as pale as a vampire, you just blackout for a minute there! Regulus you are not okay!”
“I am,” he insisted. If there was one sure sign he was Walburga’s son it would be his stubbornness.
“You don’t remember do you?” Sirius said after a minute. Regulus hesitated for a moment before shaking his head firmly the whisper of a ‘no’ on his lips. “Shit,” he ran his hands through his hair.
“I’m remembering…” Regulus admitted, feeling a tug at his chest. “But it’s just pieces, it’s just pain really… and Bella, she was there right?”
Sirius nodded, “and Cissa, and Rodolphus, I don’t think Lucius was…”
Regulus’ head began to throb again. “They made me drink a potion.”
“Yeah… some kind of modified liquid death…”
Regulus’ heart plummeted, he wanted to throw up, of course, he knew the potion was meant to temporally kill him but he thought they’d at least use something more humane. Liquid Death was brewed for a short yet excruciatingly painful death, not a quick and easy one.
“How long?” He asked after a second, his voice fragile like glass that was about to shatter. “How long was I dead for?”
“Too long…” Sirius admitted, “they started to freak out, saying that you should’ve woken by now but you just wouldn’t start breathing again…”
“How. Long?” Regulus demanded through gritted teeth.
“Maybe ten minutes…”
“Fuck…”
“I read everything about that ritual Regulus, I poured over it for months to try and find a loophole for you. But in everything I read, it said you’re only meant to stay dead for a few seconds a couple minutes at most… I thought I lost you…”
“I’m right here Sirius,” he whispered, seeing the pain in his brother’s eyes.
“I know but I thought I lost you and I thought that the last thing we ever did was fight,” he croaked, his voice no higher than a whisper.
“No. I promise you I’m here,” he repeated, pulling his shoulders closer.
“But you’re not! You’re not Regulus because you’re sick, and you’re dying Reg. You died for ten fucking minutes, the only reason that would’ve happened is if you didn’t want to…” his voice broke and a choked sob fell from his throat. “If you didn’t want to come back… or if you didn’t have anything to live for…”
“I…” he didn’t know what to say to that exactly. He did have things to live for, he had Evan and Barty and even Beatrice sometimes, he had Narcissa and Sirius and his mother and father and Bella - no matter how crazy they all were, he had James. Yet something inside of him was still so empty, so lacking that he felt like his soul had been torn apart. Maybe it was the fact that all of his memories were less vibrant now, or maybe it was that he really deep down didn’t want to be there. Alive.
But he was, he was there. Standing in front of his brother, going back to school, and inevitably going to see James Potter again. He was alive.
“Regulus?”
“I’m here,” he whispered, looking up to meet his brother’s eyes.
“Good, I intend to keep you here for as long as it takes for you to want to be here on your own.”
“Good.”
“You have to want it Reg… You have to want to live, to come back fully, otherwise you’re just living this half-life on the brink of death always.”
Regulus just nodded.
“I love you, Sirius, I know everything about us is fucked but you’re still my brother, and I don’t think I say that enough.”
Sirius laughed dryly, his head tipped back and his hand slicked through his hair. “God this is fucked,” he scoffed. “You’re my little brother, we were supposed to be there for one another. And we have to fucking remind one another that we love one another.”
“Everything in our life is fucked Sirius,” Regulus rolled his eyes. “And as much as I hate to admit it you are the only one who knows how true that is. Evan and Barty… well they know how fucked everything is but not exactly how much…”
“Same thing with James and Remus and Pete…” Sirius admitted. “I just don’t want to screw you over with Maman… or Bella.”
“We’ll just have to be careful then.”
“Could she… you know, read your mind?”
“Sorta… I mean a month of on and off Occlumency lessons aren’t exactly a perfect solution…” Regulus cringed at the thought of his mother pushing up against the wall he’d built in his head, feeling it crumble almost entirely as she gave it a shove. “I hid the important shit though.”
“Yeah I expected so… I mean no way you’d be standing here if she knew about you and James-” Regulus nearly choked on his breath, “-being friends.”
“Oh, y-yeah, she would’ve gone mental,” Regulus tried to give a laugh but it came out as more of a dry whisper that got caught in his throat.
Sirius sighed sadly at his little brother and helped him right his position as he bent over coughing. “Godric Regulus… you really need to see Poppy when we get back to school. You can’t even breathe properly.”
“Yeah? And what would I tell her exactly?” Regulus wheezed. “Oh yeah, I’m a fucking mess because I drank modified Living Death as per my parents' request to perform an ancient and probably very illegal ceremony so that I was the official heir of my family. Now can I have a bit of pepperup potion please?”
“Well when you say it like that,” Sirius grumbled, though he seemed pleased that Regulus’ entire personality hadn’t been stripped away.
“I’ll just brew some myself,” he shrugged. “Maybe we can get old Slughorn to give us a bit of extra credit for it yeah?”
“You’re such a fucking teacher's pet,” Sirius jabbed.
“And you’re not?” Regulus raised a brow. “You’ve got your head of house wrapped around your bloody finger.”
“Minnie is not wrapped around my finger!” Sirius protested, hitting Regulus on the arm slightly - which definitely hurt more than it should’ve.
“Minnie?” Regulus smirked.
“Oh shut up,” he pouted, crossing his arms over his chest.
“You wanted me to get better right? Well getting on your last nerve is my greatest joy.”
“I should’ve just let you die then,” Sirius teased.
“Fine by me,” Regulus shrugged. “Just don’t tell Barty and Evan yeah? Wouldn’t want them to worry.”
“Oh fuck Reg,” Sirius ran a hand through his hair, the pain returning to his face. “You’re going get better okay? I swear it to you.”
“Yeah alright,” Regulus pulled a small smile onto his face. Not yet sure if he believed his brother, he’d made so many promises over the years and Regulus was pretty sure he only needed one hand to count the ones he’d followed through with.
…
Regulus avoided Evan like the plague for the rest of the night. He made a point to sit next to Barty at dinner and had excused himself from the table right after he’d eaten enough to not cause a scene at the table. Then he’d run off to their dorm to collect a few essentials; a new jumper, his wand, some old muggle book that Barty had lying around, and a chocolate frog - just in case he got his appetite back. He made his way to the secluded tower where he’d first had a proper conversation with James, carefully avoiding the main halls that were flooded with students making their way back to their common rooms.
He settled himself along the wall next to the banister of the tower, making sure the door was clicked shut to insure solitude. He pulled the jumper over his head and carefully lit the tip of his wand before flipping the book open.
It was in old English, which made Regulus find himself reading the same sentences over and over again to try and decipher them. Thankfully the book itself was not set in a typical muggle setting, so he didn’t have to worry about certain items or words he wouldn’t get the meaning of.
“I didn’t take you as the type who’d read Tolkien,” a familiar voice quipped from a few feet away. And as Regulus looked up he was met by the soft gaze of James Potter.
Cherry and mint.
His mind flashed and a hot sensation flushed over his cheeks.
“It's just one of Barty’s,” he rolled his eyes, setting the open book down beside him. “His father thinks he shouldn’t just be educated in wizarding stuff. Apparently…” he glanced down at the cover of the novel, “The Fellowship of the Ring is a classic.”
“Yeah it really is,” James snickered. “I actually really hated that book, my mum made me read it when I was a kid. It never really clicked with me, all those names just sound too bloody similar, and what the fucking hell is a Hobbit supposed to look like?”
“A what?” Regulus scrunched his brows together, maybe he’d been paying less attention to what he’d been reading than he thought.
“It's some little thing in it, maybe you’re still in the neverending prologue though,” he smiled, leaning up against the wall where Regulus was still sitting cross-legged.
“What are you even doing up here James?”
“Well, if you’d showed up at our meeting today then you’d know I have a patrol tonight. Jacob wanted to come and check up here but I figured maybe you’d be here, so I came instead,” he shrugged, a small smirk across his lips. “I told him I’d go check the pitch too and to go back to the common-room.”
“Why?”
“Because Sirius was having a proper breakdown after he went to the loo on the train and I pieced together that he was not in fact in the loo for half an hour and he’d probably gone and talked to you.” James’ brown eye swere soft where they rested on Regulus, unlike the cold stares and glares that followed him around Grimmauld Place.
“So it has absolutly nothing to do with kissing me before the holiday?” Regulus raised a brow, trying to ease the conversation to fit his own needs. If James wasn’t interested then he needed to know, because if he wasn’t then Regulus would purge his sleep from dreams of James’ lips on his own. He would feel a tug at his heart, then he’d cut himself back off, retreating back into his own world. He’d leave Sirius again, if he couldn’t have it all then he couldn’t have any of it. Because if he didn’t have it all then when his parents eventually did discover his secrets then the pain wouldn’t be worth it.
“Would you be angry if it did?” James asked, his voice was genuine, he really did care about Regulus.
Regulus hesitated for a minute before pushing every rational thought from his head. If he was going to take his life back, if he was going to keep his promise to Sirius James needed to be a part of it. Then it was his own lips pushed up against James’ in a messy kiss, his arms bracketing his against the wall of the tower.
“Reg-” James mumbled against his lips.
“Shut up Potter,” he muttered back. Allowing James to slip his tongue into his mouth, Regulus whined after a minute, needing a minute to come back to the moment and breathe.
James looked at him for a minute after they pulled apart, his wide in shock. Regulus stared right back, his own mind reeling at what he’d just done.
“So I’d take that as a no then?” James stumbled after a minute.
“No shit Potter,” Regulus scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest. “Now we’re even yeah?”
“I’m sorry what?” James’ eyes widened.
“You’ve kissed me, and I’ve kissed you. We’re even,” Regulus repeated, his eyes still locked with James’ as he picked his things up off the floor.
“If you think you can just pack up and leave now then you’ve got another thing coming,” James ‘tutted’.
“Oh do I?” Regulus smirked, slowly pulling his eyes down James’ body to taunt him.
“You can’t just kiss someone and walk away!” James insisted, gently taking Regulus hand.
“Can’t I though?” Regulus asked, suddenly feeling overwhelmed by the choice he’d just made, his stomach dropped as he imagined his parent’s faces. The veil of his death falling over his head again. He just wanted to be alone, being alone helped the spinning…
“You can’t,” James said again. “Regulus you have to talk to me. You can’t just kiss me to avoid everything else.”
“I’m not avoiding anything,” he snapped, James pulled back for a moment, forgetting how fast Regulus went from 100 to 0. He took a shaky breath, pushing the only clear thoughts to the front of his head before he spoke, “La vérité est que j'ai peur James. Je t'aime bien, tu es la seule chose qui n'est pas foutue dans ma tête. Mais j'ai peur d'eux, je ne veux pas encore mourir…”
“I don’t-” James stuttered as he watched Regulus look down at his feet, his ears turning pink.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
“I liked it when you kissed me James,” he admitted shakily, his confidence from earlier screaming in the back of his mind.
“I liked kissing you Regulus.”
“So…”
“So?”
“What now?”
“Whatever you want, you’re the one with everything to lose right?”
“Oui,” he muttered. “This is a secret James. It has to stay that way. Are you okay with that?”
“For now yes,” James said quietly.
“For now?”
“Always.”
“James you have to be honest with me. If you can’t handle this then I need to know now. Not tomorrow, not next week, not a year from now, I need to know now.”
“I promise you. It’s our secret, I wont tell a soul ever,” James promised, looking down to meet Regulus’.
“Good,” Regulus smiled, letting out a soft laugh. “Merlin you have no idea how much I wanted to hear that for the last two weeks.”
“I’m going to take you out of there one day, you’ll come and live with me and mum and dad and Sirius and we’ll be a proper family.”
“That’s a nice thought James,” Regulus smiled sadly, the veil lifting more from his thoughts. He was coming back.
“One day it won’t be a thought. It’ll be real.”