Ch. 9
The next few weeks went by in a blur, Regulus only had one patrol left with James Potter before Christmas Break and it happened to land on the last day of term.
They said to meet in their usual spot on the third floor, but with Barty and Evan back to being their typical selves Regulus really needed a bit of alone time to think. It was the last night before he had to return home, it was the last night he had where he was bound in the shadow of his older brother. The last night he had to make stupid decisions, and fuck did he want to do something reckless.
So Regulus left an hour early for his patrol, he wandered around the castle for a good twenty minutes before he found himself up on the Astronomy Tower. The December air made the hair on his neck stand up, he was only dressed in a green jumper and a pair of slacks. He would hear James’ voice telling him he was going to ‘catch a cold’ if he didn’t start wearing a jacket. But he pushed it away and leaned on the banister of the tower, breathing in the cold fresh air.
One of the many perks of Hogwarts’ location was the sky in Regulus’ opinion. He gazed up at the stars, unconsciously mapping his family in the dark navy blanket that had fallen over the castle.
He found himself thinking about his summer, the memory of that night too fresh in his mind to be pushed aside. He had to admit that it was a bit blurry - the details. He wanted to believe that he’d just chosen to forget things, but he consciously couldn’t do that to himself. He knew it had been his mother. It was always her.
To Regulus it wasn’t strange - the way that she treated him and Sirius. But he supposed that if he were to ever tell that to James he’d find himself being lectured on what a mother ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’ do.
James had a perfect family. A mother that cooked, and cared for her son as if it was her only purpose in life. His father was a loyal ministry employee who always made it home for dinner with his wife and son.
Or sons?
Regulus had no clue whether or not the Potters took Sirius in out of obligation or out of love. If he was their son now, or if deep down he still belonged to Walburga and Orion. He assumed it was the first thought. Sirius seemed happy now, he seemed less scared, definitely more reckless though. He’d given his brother detention twice this term, which had definitely not helped the mending of their relationship - but he also knew that it wouldn’t matter much considering he was in detention every night anyways.
If their parents knew he figured they just didn’t care anymore.
Sirius would come home and vow to never come back. He would officially leave Regulus. And Regulus would replace him. Like a broken teacup in a set, they’d just set out a shiny new one in its place.
Regulus was scared. He really was, as he leaned over the edge of the railing he thought about what would happen if he fell. His mother would be destroyed. Not for the reason that a mother should be of course. She’d be torn apart because of the fact that her only option was gone now. She’d have to find a way to rope Sirius back into the fold. And deep down Regulus wished the cold metal bar he was leaning on would give out, allowing him the sweet relief of darkness.
Instead, he found himself walking back to the third floor like a good boy.
Step. Breathe in.
Step. Breathe out.
Repeat.
By the time he reached their spot James was already there.
“Now look who’s late,” he smirked, punching Regulus on the arm slightly.
Regulus just snorted, keeping his eyes on his feet.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
“Let’s get going, yeah?” James said after a moment, realizing that Regulus was in one of his moods. He just nodded and they set off down the hall. No one was about tonight, there were all sorts of Holiday parties happening in common rooms, and though both boys were certain that each and every broom closet was probably occupied they didn’t make any moves to stop them.
It was Christmas after all wasn't it?
“Regulus?”
“Yes?”
“Is he going to be okay?”
Regulus stopped in his tracks and slowly turned to the older boy. “Sirius?”
“Well yeah… I just, I know his mother wants him home and he’s just so scared…”
Regulus scoffed, running a hand through his curls. “Yeah. He’s going to be absolutely fine. A few bruises I can guess but nothing severe hopefully.”
“And what about you?”
“I’m their heir now aren’t I?” Regulus asked simply.
“Sirius was their heir too,” James countered.
“Yeah, I suppose he was.”
Regulus was relieved when James didn’t know how to respond. He just kept looking at his feet.
Step, in.
Step, out.
“Come home with me.”
Regulus nearly choked on his inhale. “The fuck?”
“Come home with me and Sirius,” James planted a hand on his shoulder. “My mum, she can y’know, protect you guys or whatever. Get the ministry. Get Dumbledore. Whatever it is to keep you safe, just come home with me okay?”
“James,” Regulus took a sharp breath. “You know I can’t. You know Sirius and I need to go back, you’ll get him back after a few days anyways.”
“But we won’t get you back.”
“So?” Regulus snapped, looking up finally. James’ eyes said everything. He looked desperate.
“So? So I care about you Regulus!” James retorted.
“You shouldn’t,” he replied smoothly. “Whatever you’ve compelled my brother to see in me all of a sudden was a mistake, James. I’m too far gone for you to ‘fix’ me as you did him. As of tomorrow, I’m the heir to the House of Black, as of tomorrow I’m just like everyone else in my family. And there’s no going back from that.”
“But there is. Sirius is proof of that.”
Regulus laughed coldly, taking James' wrist in his hand. “Listen to me, Potter. I am far from being my brother. And if you think that these last few months you’ve known me make me like him then you’re sorely mistaken.”
James inhaled sharply before pulling his arm away from Regulus. “I don’t know who the fuck I’m talking to right now but it most certainly isn’t the Regulus I met earlier this year. And I’d really like to speak to that Regulus right now.”
“I have no clue what you mean Potter,” Regulus spat, a twinge of guilt pulsing through his chest. “I’ve always been like this, perhaps you just didn’t see it before?”
“This isn’t the Regulus Black I befriended,” James repeated. “And I know you’re just scared. Scared to go home, sacred to be the heir so officially. You’re scared because you think you don’t have any other options.”
“I don’t-“ Regulus breathed, his throat tightened as he tries to look back at his feet, reminding him how to breathe.
“You do!” The older boy taking Regulus’ face in his hand gently. “You can leave them, you can come to my house and never go back.”
“If I leave,” Regulus’ breath caught in his throat, and he cursed inwardly.
Focus. Cut them off. It’ll be easier.
“If I leave then she’ll hunt both of us down. You’ll lose far more by letting me be right for once than you will if you try to save me.”
“I won’t let her take you.”
“You clearly haven’t met my mother then,” Regulus scoffed. Pulling his face away from James’ touch.
“And you haven’t met mine.”
“Just let it go! Merlin-“ Regulus pinched the bridge of his nose, “just let me go. You’ve known me what? Three months? That’s not nearly enough time for you to understand me. Let alone know what’s best for me.”
“Well you don’t even seem to know what’s best for yourself,” James insisted, his voice was cold as he attempted to match Regulus’ energy. But his eyes were pleading, wide like a deer in the moonlight. Regulus hated that his mind lingered on that. On how beautiful he was.
“Trust me James,” his voice breaking slightly. “If I know anything it’s surviving. And that’s what I need to do right now.”
“You could be doing so much more than surviving Reg.”
“Don’t,” Regulus met his eyes. “It’s better for everyone if you just forget about me.”
“Better for everyone? Or better for you?” James asked gently.
“I-“ Regulus began, but he was cut off quickly.
James’ lips were soft against his, they tasted like cherry and mint. Regulus opened his mouth slightly to protest, but James just gently slipped into his mouth.
Fuck.
Regulus pulled away.
“What the fuck was that?” Regulus croaked, his voice no louder than a whisper.
James Potter smirked his James-Fucking-Potter-Smirk. “You were rambling. I needed to shut you up.”
“Oh.”
Oh? That’s all he could come up with? God, maybe he was pathetic.
“You like it?” James asked cautiously after a minute. Regulus looked down at his feet again, his breathing uneven.
“I-“ he almost threw up, reaching for the wall for support. “James..?” But he was already at Regulus’ side.
“Reg?” He took his shoulders gently, trying to get him to look up. “Fuck. Regulus look at me.”
Regulus shook his head, his eyes stung as he thought of what his mother would say.
As if it wasn’t bad enough that you thought it was acceptable to kiss a boy, but a Potter? Tsk. You ought to know better at this point, shouldn’t you?
Then pain.
That’s all he could focus on - the pain.
“-breath. Please breathe Reg…” James begged.
Regulus was now aware that he was collapsed on the floor, hyperventilating.
He managed to look up. James was scared. He could see it in his face, the way he bit his lower lip, and his eyes narrowed in determination.
“Talk…” Regulus managed, though he nearly doubled over to vomit afterward.
“Talk?” James repeated slowly, Regulus nodded. Gripping onto the older boy’s arm. “O-okay,” he stuttered seemingly racking his brain for something nice to say. “My mum,” he started. Regulus almost snorted, it was just so like him to default to a story that would help him get what he wanted. “Well she’s a total badass really, but this one time I really thought she was a god.” Regulus choked on his breath in an attempt to laugh. “No no I’m serious,” he laughed. “I must’ve been eight maybe? I don’t remember exactly but we were in Diagon Ally…”
Regulus listened to him talk, and talk, and talk, he wasn’t really interested in what he was saying to be honest. Hearing stories about what an amazing mother he had was certainly not the best way to make Regulus calm down about what a nightmare his own was. But the talking did calm him down significantly, enough to make him remember a very vital piece of information.
He was now skilled at Occlumency.
He could shut her out to an extent.
He could save himself.
…
The Train-Ride back to London was bleak, Regulus was incredibly nauseous. He had a splitting headache and more than anything wanted to sleep.
But as per usual, Evan and Barty had different plans. He couldn’t blame them exactly, they were excited to spend the Holidays together after all. Barty desperately wanted Regulus to come along as well but Evan had somewhat explained the situation in which Regulus would be living and he quickly shut up.
“Reggie?” Evan waved a hand in front of his face. “Wake the fuck up.”
Regulus rolled his eyes and straightened up in his seat. “God piss off Rosier,” he grumbled.
“You’re the one who told us to keep you up,” Evan threw his hands up. Regulus just glared, he was grateful for his friends, really he was. They didn’t question the strange requests whenever they were headed home, never asked why exactly he didn’t want to sleep, why he didn’t want to be venerable.
“Oh!” Barty nearly hit his head on the low ceiling as he jumped up. “I’ve got your gift Reg.”
“You didn’t have to get me anything Bar,” Regulus breathed, though deep down he loved that they all got one another gifts.
“Well I know you got us something,” Barty raised a brow at his friend. “Besides it might make you smile for once in your bloody life.”
“I smile,” Regulus scoffed.
“Sure you do Mr. Grumpy,” Evan laughed. “Mine will be after break okay? It’s a bit of a production.”
“Oh Merlin,” Regulus groaned.
“Oh stop being such a pessimist,” Barty “tsked”. “Here ya go love,” he tossed a small box at Regulus.
“If this is a ring my answer is no,” Regulus smirked.
“Oh ew,” Barty rolled his eyes. “You’re not my type darling.”
“If you say so,” Regulus rolled his eyes playfully. He pulled at the string around the box and wiggled the lid off.
Inside was a gold pocket watch, with the Leo constellation glittering in embossed emeralds on the top. His star was brighter than the others though, it seemed to have a charm attached that made it glow slightly.
“Bar… shit this is…” Regulus stumbled over his words, momentarily forgetting his ailments. “This is too much.”
“Pft,” Barty chuckled. “Nothing too much for you Reggie, besides my father won’t even notice the money is gone.”
“Why don’t I get elaborate expensive gifts?” Evan pouted, slumping down in his seat like a child.
“Don’t throw a fit darling,” Barty smirked. “You’ll get yours soon. Reg is just being a prick and not ditching his super-important, all-powerful, ancient, life-changing ceremony that his mother would skin us alive if we kept him from it.”
“Oh yeah,” Regulus laughed cooly. “Let me just write her a quick note saying I’d rather spend the holiday with you. How fast do you think she’d apparate onto the bloody train and drag me home?”
“I’d give it two minutes tops,” Evan replied nonchalantly.
Regulus laughed. He was pretty sure if he didn’t start laughing he’d throw up, or start crying, and neither of those options sounded ideal. Barty and Evan started playing exploding snaps after a few minutes and regulus excused himself to get a bit of air.
The train was bustling with kids, the first years were nearly bouncing off the walls to see their families, and some of the older kids were looking forward to taking a holiday by themselves or with friends. Regulus always wished he could be more like them, he wished that he could look forward to the holidays without the sinking pit in his stomach returning. Even in his first year when Sirius had still been somewhat in the fold, Regulus wanted more than anything to be able to stay at Hogwarts for Christmas. But every year their mother insisted, not that she was one to be festive, she just liked holding power, and to her, her sons were the most power she could hold.
He remembered the year that Sirius had just gone off and spent Christmas with his friends. Their mother was furious, for days she tried to go and collect him and punish him for leaving without her explicit permission. But the wards around the Potter’s house had been far too strong to allow her to waltz in and take back her son. Regulus thought that was the worst holiday of his life at the time, but even the thought of what was to come in the next two weeks made that seem impossibly stupid.
“Regulus?” a familiar voice pulled Regulus’ eyes up from his feet.
He’d never seen James Potter look quite so helpless, the only time he’d even seen him worried was whenever he’d try and get Regulus to abandon his family. But right now, as the younger boy looked into his big coffee eyes he could see fear, not necessarily fear of something, but more like fear for something.
“Potter,” Regulus breathed gently, things hadn’t exactly ended on a great note the night before. He could tell that James was slightly uncomfortable with Regulus seeing him like this.
“Sirius…” James took a step towards him, “he’s…” a hand ran over his face. He's panicking. Of course, he is. “He’s fucked up Reg, I don’t know… I tried to talk like I did with you but he’s not listening. Remus and Pete are trying but… Reg I don’t know what to do.”
Fuck. He really did care about Sirius, didn’t he? The look in his eyes, the fear… Part of Regulus doesn’t want that love to be real, a part of him wanted his brother back all to himself.
“I don’t really know what you want me to do here James,” he replied shortly. “Just because he and I are brothers doesn’t mean that I know how to take care of him all the time.”
“Regulus please,” James’ voice was holding back. Regulus could tell he wanted to yell, to make the younger boy fix everything.
“I don’t know what to tell you,” Regulus sighed, a twinge of pain ran down James’ face.
“I thought you wanted to fix things with him.”
“If you haven’t forgotten Potter I’m about to die for him. It’s most certainly not my problem whether or not he thinks I’m a bad person for refusing to help him calm down. I’ve sacrificed everything for him, James, I hope at least you can see that.”
“I-” his voice broke, “What do you mean you’re dying for him?”
Realization dawned on Regulus, he didn’t know… he’d never known. But it was far too late to turn the conversation around.
“Go calm my dearest brother down and perhaps he’ll tell you.” he turned away, and James reached out but he just dodged his touch. “Physical touch, like hugging and shit,” He added once he was a few steps away. “That’ll help.”
James didn’t say anything to that, and Regulus didn’t turn back to see if he’d gone.
People tended to get out of Regulus’ way when he was emotional. Evan always said that he could tell, that he almost felt darker whenever he was angry or sad. So naturally, all the way back to his compartment people were peeling to the side of the aisle as Regulus strutted past. He slammed the door accidentally when he got back to his friends.
“Fuck Reg,” Evan stiffened in his seat.
“Sorry,” he mumbled, throwing himself back into his seat.
“Hello Regulus,” someone said politely from the seat next to him - which previously no one was occupying.
“Oh hi Beatrice,” he cursed himself inwardly, not wanting to cause a scene around anyone besides Barty and Evan.
He pulled on a smile for the younger girl as she laughed at him gently. She was a small thing, if you didn’t know it you'd have never in a million years guessed that she was Evan’s little sister. The only similarity was their eyes, they both had piercing dark blue eyes, which of course were exact copies of their mother’s. Other than that they were nearly opposites, whereas Evan had dirty blonde hair and cool skin without a single blemish, Beatrice was a dark brunette with fair skin and a dusting of freckles over her nose and cheeks.
“I take it you ran into your brother then?” Barty asked from his spot on the floor, dealing the next round of cards.
“Oh uh yeah sure,” Regulus lied. “Sirius.”
Evan smirked, reaching over and playfully covering Beatrice’s ears. “You’re a shit liar,”
“Oh fuck off,” she swatted him away.
“Language Bea!” he gasped, Regulus laughed gently, happy for the change in the company.
“She’s said far worse believe me,” Barty chuckled, sliding two piles of cards toward the siblings.
Regulus leaned his head against the widow and watched as the countryside flew past him. He was lucky to have his friends, even if they were all fucked in the long term. Right now they were perfect.
…
Regulus hugged Beatrice goodbye as she was called away by her parents, Evan waved shortly to them before taking off with Barty. For the first time in years, it was his actual parents who picked him up, typically his father would send one of his secretaries, but Regulus supposed they were putting on a bit of a show with Evan coming over and all.
“See ya after the holidays, Reggie!” The boys called over their shoulders as they slipped away into the crowds.
Regulus laughed, he was only relaxed for a moment of course before a sharp voice made his back stiffen instantly.
“Regulus,” his mother called from a few feet away. His father was there as well, looking quite annoyed to have to be there.
“Hello Maman,” he forced a smile across his face as he strode over.
“Where’s your brother,” she scanned the crowd as her nails dug into Regulus’ forearm.
“Probably with J-Potter,” he bit his lower lip. Fuck. He certainly couldn’t have James on his mind right then.
“I did tell him to be hasty,” she huffed.
Regulus shot a glance over his shoulder, attempting to wiggle out of his mother’s clutch. But her fingers only closed tighter around her son’s arm. He did see them though, a few yards away, James was nearly holding a very shaky Sirius up as they spoke to a bit of an older couple. He assumed they were James’ parents by their similarities. Mrs. Potter’s face was plastered with worry as she glanced up, her eyes meeting Regulus’ for a swift moment before they returned to her son and his best friend.
“Ah,” his mother hissed in his ear, following Regulus’ gaze.
Fuck.
I’m sorry Sirius…
The three of them made for the small group quickly, Mrs. Potter glaring at Walburga every step of the way.
“Sirius,” she said curtly. “We do have to get home now.”
Regulus could see Sirius stiffen as her words reached his ears, James turned first, his arm still wrapped around the other boy. Lupin was there too, standing protectively at his side, both of the Potters taking a step forward to meet the blunt of what was about to happen.
“I wasn’t aware that he was to be going with you Walburga,” Mrs. Potter’s voice was testy, obviously very ready to fight for Sirius’ wellbeing.
“He is still my son is he not?” his mother replied shortly, testing the waters.
James’ eyes met Regulus’, he could almost hear the older boy's voice in his head.
‘Come home with me Reg…’
He looked down at his feet.
“I could quite easily get the ministry involved with this summer's incident,” the other woman shot back. “I don’t think you’d like that very much would you?”
“Again, he is my son Euphemia, I believe what happens in my household is absolutely none of your or the ministry’s business now is it?” Mrs. Potter did not respond. “We’ll only require him for a short period of time, after which I will gladly send him your way again.”
“When should I expect him home?” She replied after a moment, not seeing any other way to twist the conversation around. Regulus’ mother had a point, after all, Sirius was still her son, and she had every right to take him home.”
“Four days from now, most likely after supper.”
“Mum, you’re going to let her take him?” James demanded, Regulus looked up again.
“James honey I don’t think we have much of an argument… she is his legal guardian,” James looked as though he’d been stabbed in the gut.
Sirius turned to his best friend, his eyes briefly meeting Regulus’. His face was tear stricken and he was paler than usual.
“I’ll be alright Prongs,” he reassured him gently. “You can’t get rid of me anyways, I promise you.”
“No!” James nearly shouted, Mr. Potter, put a hand on his shoulder, warning him of what exactly the people in front of them were capable of. “No that's bullshit…”
“James,” Sirius smiled sadly, “I promise you I’ll be back yeah? Christmas is going to be epic.”
“I…” James shot a pleading look at Regulus, he just shook his head sadly.
He couldn’t do anything.
“Moony?” Sirius muttered, turning to his right. “Take care of him okay? I’ll be back I swear to you.”
“Yeah okay…” Remus nodded, enveloping Sirius in his arms.
The Embrace lasted for longer than it should’ve in Regulus’ opinion, or longer than it should’ve if they were ‘just friends’.
“Sirius,” his mother’s voice warned. And he pulled away from the taller boy, his mother’s hand wrapped around his shoulder and she yanked him back.
“James-” he breathed, his voice catching slightly on his uneven breath.
“Christmas,” he said firmly. “I promi-”
James was never able to finish his sentence, the sickening grip of apparition pulled them away from the platform before he could. Regulus could’ve sworn that James had been looking at him when he said it though. Not Sirius. But him. And he was going to hold onto that as if it were a lifeline.