The Unusual Detention
February 14th, 19:42
Snape’s POV:
Severus sat at his desk in the Potions Classroom, finishing off another measure of Ogden’s (his 14th in eighteen hours, he mused. I’ll have to go on a month-long sprout of sobriety after today) and correcting First Year Potions essays.
That was the worst part about being a Potions Professor. Not the long list of potential injuries a student could inflict upon themselves or others, not the creative ways they could ruin their Potions and not even the amount of time spent brewing Potions for the Hospital Wing. The spelling mistakes, the illegible chicken scratchings from those who had never held a quill before they entered Hogwarts, and even the completely wrong ingredients mentioned were enough to make him think about handing in his resignation.
What inevitably stopped him was the joy of coming across that one student in a year who just got it. They understood why ingredients had to be sliced instead of chopped, instinctively knew when to deviate from a wrong instruction on a Potions textbook, Best of all, they just found joy in watching a Potion turn out perfectly (especially if the rest of the class’s attempts are abysmal at best, he thought).
To him, finding that one student, watching their abilities grow, shaping them, was enough to keep him teaching.
He realised he’d been sitting, quill in the air, for the last few minutes, and there had been someone talking outside his door. Severus stood up, casting a quick Tempus to see if it was likely to be Ms Patil turning up early for her detention. Seeing it was only 19:45, he doubted it. He snuck over to the door, silently opening it.
“... wouldn’t fancy anyone,” declared a female.
“Well, there’s a first time for everything,” noted a second female, who he realised was Ms Abbott.
“Believe me, Hannah, he won’t fancy you,” replied the first female, who he recognised as Ms Bones.
“He will! You’ll be jealous when he ends his decade long celibacy for me!” announced Ms Abbott.
He was slightly alarmed. Out of all the males in the school, only three had been celibate for over a decade: Albus, Filius, and himself. While he knew that Albus would never date a student and Filius had adopted the goblin view on celibacy (which was that it wasn’t to be broken until they were over a century old - Filius was 73), that only left… him!
He was horrified. He would never go out with a student and, even if Voldemort reappeared behind him now to force him to pick a student to go out with or else he’d get an Avada Kedavra, Ms Abbott would be nowhere near the top of the list. He had to end her infatuation with him now before it got any further out of hand.
Severus threw the door open and stalked towards the females, who had been standing just down the corridor.
“Ms Abbott, I must tell you…” he started to remark, but he was interrupted when the two females turned around with a shriek (what is it with women and high pitched vocalisations of surprise or anger, he thought), saw him and promptly keeled over in a dead faint.
He stood there for a few seconds, the Ogden’s slowing his reaction time. Then, when his brain caught up with the situation, he tried to wake them up. He checked if Ms Abbott’s infatuation with him resulted from a Potion or spell (unfortunately, it wasn’t) then wondered about where to put them. Another Tempus showed he only had thirteen minutes until Ms Patil was due for her detention.
Making his mind up, Severus went back into the Potions Classroom and wrote, “Clean the undersides of the desks. I will be back shortly” on the board. Then, coming back outside, he cast Mobilicorpus on both females and strode towards the Hospital Wing, being careful not to let them bump into the walls or each other.
When he entered the Hospital Wing, it was deserted. Poppy wasn’t in her office, so he laid Ms Bones and Ms Abbott on beds beside each other, wrote a note, duplicated it and attached it to their beds. The message read,
“Poppy,
I found these two on the floor of the second-floor corridor. They appear to have fainted. Attempts to bring them around proved unsuccessful. Therefore, I leave them in your capable hands.
SS.”
Severus cast Tempus, cursed when he realised he only had three minutes until Ms Patil’s detention started, turned and strode out of the Hospital Wing, heading back towards the Potions classroom.
As he turned the corner to the room, he saw Ms Patil about to knock on the door.
“Enter, Ms Patil,” he drawled. She jumped, obviously not expecting his voice to come from behind her. She pushed open the door, and he entered behind her. With a flick of his wand, the writing on the board was removed.
“You shall be cleaning the undersides of the tables,” he stated.
“Without magic, I presume,” she replied.
“Without magic”.
She lay down on her back, Summoned a bucket and cloth, tucked her wand into her pockets, and got started. Severus sat back at his desk and tried to forget about what had occurred so he could continue correcting the Potions essays.
Hannah’s POV:
Hannah and Susan stood down the corridor from the Potions classroom, waiting for Snape to come out of the classroom. They were deliberately talking louder than usual to ensure he heard them talking. But, as they were talking, they were having a separate conversation with the Flagrate charm, which had been modified so only they could see the writing.
What’s taking him so long?
I don't know. We aren’t exactly whispering.
Maybe he fell asleep?
I doubt it. He has a large stock of Pepperup Potion that he could use if he felt tired.
True.
Maybe we should -
The door was thrown open, and Snape walked towards them. She smiled at Susan, pretending not to have seen him until he started talking. Then, as practiced, they turned, shrieked and fell to the floor. Snape stood there, then he tried to wake her and Susan up. He cast some spell on her and went back into the Potions classroom for a minute. When he came back out, they were lifted and floated around after Snape.
Hannah didn’t know where they were going, but she realised they had been brought to the Hospital Wing when she felt a bed beneath her. She knew Madame Pomfrey wasn’t there - they had told her a student had broken their leg in the Astronomy Tower before they went down to the Dungeons - so she wasn’t surprised when she heard Snape write a note, attach it to their beds and walk out.
They waited a few minutes, but when he didn’t return, Hannah and Susan got up. She looked at the notes, and she Evanesco’d them. Susan cast a charm on the beds, so the sheets smoothed themselves out. Then, Hannah and Susan snuck out of the Hospital Wing, leaving no trace of ever being there.
Snape’s POV:
Severus couldn’t concentrate on the essays. He was too busy thinking about how Ms Abbott’s infatuation had come about. Unlike Lockhart, who always had a group of girls following him around and fawning over him, he had never encountered someone who had an infatuation with him. Of course, there was a chance some Slytherin girls had been besotted with him at some point, but they had the common sense to not mention it to him.
What had caused this? He knew (and was happy) that he wasn’t handsome. Anyone he had ever met who thought (or knew) they were handsome inevitably ended up with their heads stuck far up their behinds. It was a wonder people could understand them.
Just look at Lockhart. He was the perfect example of the saying, “All style and no substance”. In fact, he mused, Lockhart was the complete opposite of him.
There was a knock at his door, and the lyrical note that played a few seconds later told him there was a Gryffindor outside. He snapped out of his musings and looked over at Ms Patil. She had done three tables and was on her fourth but had stopped at the knock and looked over at the door.
“Ms Patil, did I give you permission to stop?” he queried.
“No, Professor,” she replied and continued cleaning. Before he could stand up or bid the person enter, Mr Weasley stormed in. Severus’s eyebrow rose at his rudeness.
“Mr Weasley, it is customary for students to wait until they are permitted before entering a Professor’s classroom. You better have a good reason, or else your detention will be extended by another week,” he drawled. Mr Weasley paced around the room, stepping over Ms Patil’s legs as he did so. He opened his mouth a few times then closed it as if he didn’t know how to phrase something.
“Spit it out!” he declared when Mr Weasley had been pacing for five minutes without saying anything.
Mr Weasley glared at him, then mumbled something under his breath.
“Speak up!” Severus yelled, thoroughly annoyed by Mr Weasley at this point.
“I said, I was given a Love and Lust Potion mixed together,” yelled Mr Weasley. Obviously, he, too, was annoyed by the situation he found himself in.
“Why would you drink such a concoction? That could affect you for over a day! Trying to win a dare, were we?” he snarled. “How could you be so stupid? Did nothing I taught you ever penetrate your thick skull?!”
It was only then that he remembered Ms Patil was in the room. She had stopped cleaning the desks and was watching the proceedings with interest.
“Ms Patil, your detention is over for tonight. Clean yourself, then return to your dormitory. You shall continue cleaning tomorrow at the same time,” he announced, causing her to jump, a guilty expression on her face. She stood up, cleaned herself with a wave of her wand, and waved it again.
“But, Professor,” she stuttered, a look of shock crossing her face, “It’s only quarter past nine-”
“Get. Out. Now.” he stated deliberately. Ms Patil didn’t need to be told twice: she walked out of the room. He turned to Mr Weasley.
“Now-”
“I didn’t drink it deliberately, nor was it the forfeit of a dare or whatever you think happened. It was put in my pumpkin juice at dinner,” Mr Weasley interrupted him. He frowned. There was something wrong with that sentence: something didn’t add up. Dismissing that for the minute, he started to gather up ingredients.
“Do you know who gave it to you? Or what Potions they used,” he inquired, in the futile hope Mr Weasley managed to use his brain at some point in the proceedings.
“Lavender. And I think she used a generic potion. I’m not feeling any symptoms of the more specialised Potions,” replied Mr Weasley. He managed to conceal his shock, instead grabbing a few more ingredients.
“I have an antidote, but these ingredients need to be added to activate it,” Severus laid out.
“Fine,” replied Mr Weasley, “Just as long as I’m not under the influence of these Potions when you’re finished”.
As he was chopping the second-last ingredient, a thought entered his mind.
“Who’s the subject?”
“What?” queried Mr Weasley. Severus huffed, annoyed.
“Who is the Potion making you love and lust after?” he amended.
“Oh,” breathed Mr Weasley, a look of comprehension crossing his face, “Crookshanks”.
He stopped chopping. Now it was his turn to be confused, he thought. He knew he had heard the name before: he just couldn’t remember where from.
“Who?” he inquired. Mr Weasley sighed, embarrassed.
“Hermione’s cat”. Severus stepped away from the ingredients he was chopping: he was afraid he would accidentally slice instead of chop. He pictured Crookshanks in his head. An orange half-kneazle cat with a squashed face, he certainly wasn’t the prettiest cat. The thought of someone feeling… amorous towards the cat made him feel like getting sick. He quickly went and downed a vial of Anti-Nausea Potion, ignoring Mr Weasley’s inquiring look.
“The next time I see her, I’ll deduct points off her”.
“You can't!” exclaimed Mr Weasley. When he turned to look at him, one eyebrow raised, Mr Weasley continued, “I mean, you can’t take points off her since we have no House”.
“Then I’ll put her in detention for a week after you and the rest of your classmates in Potions have finished their detention. Does that suit you?” he commented sarcastically.
Of course, Mr Weasley couldn’t understand sarcasm if it came up behind him singing the School Song.
“Yeah, that’d be great, thanks,” replied Mr Weasley. He rolled his eyes and continued chopping the ingredients.
He had just put the ingredients in the antidote. He thought that Mr Weasley seemed to be holding out better than expected against the symptoms when Mr Weasley drew his attention.
“Professor, there’s an owl with a parcel for you,” commented Mr Weasley, pointing towards an owl sitting by the window. Severus frowned. He wasn’t expecting anything, but perhaps Albus sent him something he’d found in a Daily Prophet article.
He walked over to the window and opened it, letting the owl in. It flew over to his desk and perched there with its leg extended. As soon as he had untied the package, the owl (which, suspiciously, looked like a school owl) flew back out the window before he could offer it a treat.
He noticed that the return address was Flourish & Blotts. He didn’t have an unfulfilled order with them, but it didn’t bother him. Maybe Albus was sending him a book that he thought he might be interested in, he reckoned.
Whoever had sent it to him, he wasn’t worried about its contents. The wards he had on his door, along with letting him know the House or job of the person knocking at his door, also prevented any dangerous or embarrassing packages from getting into the Potions classroom or his chambers. Additionally, they also prevented anyone who intended to harm him to enter, but that capability had (thankfully) rarely been needed.
With Mr Weasley looking curiously over his shoulder while trying (and failing) to seem disinterested, Severus tapped the package with his wand, opening it. Unfortunately, the contents were not what he expected. Instead, they caused Mr Weasley to simultaneously laugh, try to cover it with a cough and turn bright red from embarrassment. When he turned to look at Mr Weasley, he tried so hard to hide his laugh that tears were streaming down his face.
“I… I didn’t… It wasn’t me…” he stuttered, feeling like a fool for the way he denied it that was only reinforcing his apparent actual enjoyment of the activities the package catered towards.
“You don’t have to explain yourself, Professor,” interrupted Mr Weasley quickly, “I don’t want or need to know about what you like to do in your spare time.”
“But I don’t-”.
“Oh, is that the time? I have… stuff I need to do,” said Mr Weasley, interrupting Severus again and quickly backing away to the door.
“Mr Weasley! You’ve forgotten the…” he yelled, turning and grabbing the vial. There was a slam as Mr Weasley shut the door behind him.
“...antidote.” he finished. He sighed and decided he’d send Mr Weasley his antidote in the morning. A quick Tempus showed him that it was 10 o’clock. He sighed, decided that he would reward himself with an early night as soon as he got rid of the contents of the package before someone else walked in and saw them.
Severus turned and stared. He knew he hadn’t ordered anything in the package himself, so he was faintly horrified that someone had thought to buy them for him. Did they think he enjoyed that sort of… activities? he wondered. He shuddered and cast an Evanesco on the vibrators, lubrication, anal beads and other items that had fallen out of the package. Then he turned, left the classroom and walked towards his chambers, looking forward to reaching his bed and putting this horrible day behind him.
Ron’s POV:
Ron was standing outside the door to the Potions classroom. He knew what he had to do, but he knew that Snape would probably make snide comments about it for the rest of the year. He sighed, squared his shoulders and knocked on the door. A few seconds later, he burst into the room without waiting for permission to enter, which Snape commented on. He ignored Snape, pacing around the room and stepping over Padma’s legs as she lay under the table. Out of sight of Snape, he waved his fingers at her, which she returned.
After pacing around for a few minutes and mumbling (Snape was now thoroughly annoyed by this point), he finally told Snape why he was there. Snape ranted on for a bit about how stupid he thought he was. Only then did Snape realise that Padma was still there, and, to Ron’s disappointment, he ended her detention early. Once she was out, he told him that the Potion had been put in his pumpkin juice.
It was only when he saw Snape frown that he realised his mistake. When he had been eating in the Great Hall, it wouldn’t have been obvious that he was there since he had looked like Snape. Thankfully, Snape didn’t seem to dwell on it, leaving him with the uncertainty of whether Snape had picked up on his mistake. He noticed Snape’s shock and disgust when he realised who the “Potion” was making Ron want. He thought his sigh of embarrassment was a touch of genius.
He almost gave the game away entirely when Snape mentioned deducting points off Lavender. Fortunately, he managed to save it by giving a practical reason. Then, thankfully, Snape changed his mind and instead decided to give her detention.
Ron was curious when he noticed that Snape had got a package. As Snape went to open the box, he looked over his shoulder in an attempt to see what he had been sent. When all the sex toys fell out, he had to contain his embarrassment and amusement. He didn’t know whether one of the rest of the group had, at the last minute, decided to send them to Snape, but that was probably more likely to be the case than Snape ordered them for himself.
Snape’s denials didn’t swing his opinion either way: they could be the denials of the innocent or the denials of a man worried his preferences would end up in the school rumour mill by the morning.
Ron quickly made his excuses and left the room. He realised he had left his “antidote” behind, but he didn’t care. When he got back to the Common Room, the rest of the group were all gathered around.
“Hi Ron,” waved Hermione.
“How was it?” queried Parvati.
“What did he think of the “Potion” you were under the effects of?” asked Padma.
“Who sent him the sex toys,” interrupted Ron, looking around and checking the reactions. There was a pause, then Draco and Pansy burst out laughing.
“Guilty, I suppose,” sniggered Draco.
“It was brilliant! Snape’s face was priceless!” he enthused. Then, seeing everyone else’s continued looks of confusion, he waved to Draco and Pansy.
“I think you had better explain this one,” he noted and listened as they explained what they’d done to the rest of the group.
Once the explanations were finished, everyone went up to bed to prepare for the next day.
Next: Severus wakes up with the mother of all headaches. It only worsens as his sobriety allows him to see the light, which his intoxication of the previous day blinded him to. He, it would be fair to say, was not full of the joys of life. Not did he subscribe to the "forgive and forget" practice.)