Nothing new

The following weeks are pure torture. It takes everything in Regulus to try and ignore James. Avoiding him at all costs, going to meals late, only ever leaving the common room for classes in order to never be caught on his own.

Every time he catches even the smallest glimpse of James he feels his heart just about rip into a million pieces. But it’s for his own good. He and James wouldn’t work. Regulus, too broken and contaminated for someone as wholesome and good as James. Someone who deserved so much better than what Regulus could give him.

Besides he wasn’t even sure if the kiss was anything more of spur of a moment thing. James is probably just feeling pressured by Regulus. That’s why he hasn’t sought him out, ignoring him just like Regulus is to him. Something about that just makes Regulus feel worse. The idea that James didn’t want even want to kiss him and isn’t talking to him because he feels so dirty and disgusted by the things Regulus yearns for, makes him nauseous.

He’s been trying to do things to take his mind off of James, which is proving to be a difficult task especially when confined voluntarily to your dorm. Regulus has flipped through at least seven different novels that either weren’t interesting enough to capture his full attention or so full of unbearable romance that Regulus had to put it down before he had a full-blown meltdown.

So he sits in his dorm room on his bed, trying to ignore the hunger in his stomach, waiting for time to pass so he can go down to the Great Hall and take what’s left up to his room with a napkin. His stomach is unused to the sudden change in meal times, normally acclimated to the consistency of Hogwarts meal times.

His sudden change in diet has been making him irritable and tired. He can’t seem to cover the bags under his eyes. His friends are concerned, and at first, they tried to ask him about what was happening but he spat such venomous responses that they’ve fallen back on “giving him space” which in Regulus’s opinion is just ignoring him.

So now he feels more alone than ever. Evan is the only one who knows some idea of what’s happening with Regulus, so he has taken charge of what they’ve dubbed “The Regulus Watch” which consists of Barty, Evan, Pandora and Dorcas and their job is to look after Regulus.

Regulus is about to head down to the kitchens when the door opens and the four of them slip in. Pandora has a very troubled expression on her face, Dorcas with her hands on her hips, Barty just behind her with a grin on his face and Evan leading them, a stony expression on his face. It’s no surprise that he speaks first.

‘Okay Regulus, you need to talk to us. Now.’

‘Okay, but I-’

‘Don’t say anything about having to go get dinner, we brought some up for you so you can stop avoiding us at mealtimes.’ Pandora steps forward handing Regulus a large napkin carrying a slice of shepherd's pie and a small brownie.

‘I’m not avoiding you guys,’

‘Really?’ Dorcas pipes up. ‘Then why do we never see you except in class and even then you barely say a word to any of us.’

‘Yeah and when we come back to the room, you slink off to go get food or shut your curtains and stay in bed. I don’t think I’ve seen you use the bathroom in here for the past two weeks!’ Barty says.

‘And you have been pretty horrid to us lately,’ Pandora adds

‘So if you’re not avoiding us then who are you avoiding Regulus?’ Evan asks.

Regulus is cornered with all of his friends blocking the door, practically demanding answers. He sighs. ‘Okay, I’m sorry, I’ll tell you…’

It takes Regulus around twenty minutes to explain what’s happened and by the time he’s finished all of them are sitting on the floor in a circle, Regulus has already eaten his pie and brownie. He has both of Pandora’s arms around him. Barty sits across from him looking unimpressed.

‘I just don’t get it. If you like him so much why are you upset that he kissed you?’

‘Because he didn’t want to, he just felt pressured and he’s too nice to say no.’ Regulus explains feeling the words sting as he says them.

‘Well that’s rubbish,’ Barty snorts.

‘C’mon Barty have a little bit of sympathy for the poor guy,’ Evan says.

‘Yeah his heart was just broken,’ Pandora defends.

‘Well from what I’ve just heard he broke his own heart. James seems perfectly interested in you and wasn’t it you who ran away and left him there so, in my opinion, I think its the wrong way round, James just had his heart broken.’ Barty retorts.

‘That- actually makes a lot of sense, Bart.’ Dorcas says.

Regulus wants to die, Barty just doesn’t understand how it felt at that moment, like every little thing inside was going to crush his heart, the fear that jolted through him when the kiss ended, the horror that he felt and the disgust as well.

‘Well, it’s over now anyways, no matter whose heart is broken so I guess it’s time to move on.’ Regulus states, moving to go into his bed.

‘But what about love?’ Pandora asks. ‘Do you have no hope that this tragedy could blossom into something more if you just talked to the guy?’

‘No.’

‘Reg don’t be like that.’ Dorcas says.

‘I’m telling you, somethings gonna happen with you two, I can feel it and I’m rarely wrong.’ Pandora inputs.

Regulus doesn’t answer instead just slipping between his curtains and casting a silencing charm waiting for them to leave. He can hear them murmuring but then he hears the door click close and Barty and Evan climb into their respective beds. He puts his head down on the pillow and tries to ignore Barty’s words. James just had his heart broken

☽

It’s only been two weeks and James already feels ready to rip his heart out to not feel this anymore. Sacrifice a bloody goat to the gods or something! Just for some sort of consolation, to bring him back to him.

Regulus has been avoiding him, he knows that because he looks for him everywhere, can never find him in corridors or at dinner or breakfast. James is in despair, he’s losing hope. James hasn’t slept in days, or washed or done anything what so ever apart from crying or trying to find Regulus. His hair is sticking to his forehead and all of his friends keep trying to convince him to wash it but he pushes them away.

Every day he doesn’t see Regulus it’s like someone has taken a hammer and smashed it into his chest. He’s spent the past weeks moping around, not wanting to do anything, barely even making it to class. Everyone is worried about him, trying to get him to confess what’s happened but James can’t find it in himself to repeat what happened, too ashamed of what he’s done.

All he wants to do is to apologise to Regulus and try and fix it so that they can at least be friends again. What was he thinking trying to kiss him? He didn’t even ask. The thought makes guilt churn around in his stomach. So James had been very tight lipped about everything even with Sirius. Then Remus comes into the dorm one day from the library while James is moping about the dorm.

‘Alright spit it out.’

‘What?’ James is startled.

‘Whatever is making you so goddamn upset James,’ He gestures towards James who’s lying sideways across his bed, thinking about Regulus. ‘You haven’t gone to quidditch practice in a week! What’s got you lying around like a depressed blob?’

‘A depressed blob?’

‘Not the point, Potter. What’s going on? It’s been worrying everyone,’

James doesn’t know what to say, so he says the only thing he ever thinks about these days. ‘Regulus.’

‘Regulus? Is this about why you guys haven’t been hanging out lately?’

‘Sort of,’ James doesn’t elaborate.

Remus sets down his book bag and comes over to James’s bed nudging his legs over. ‘C’mon budge up, you need to tell someone James, it’s not healthy to keep all this bottled up.’

James lets out a sigh and flips over onto his stomach. ‘Okay but please don’t think I’m a bad person...’

When James finishes he feels like all the seven seas were drained from him. Remus sighs next to him. ‘Okay so… you and Regulus kissed?’

‘Yep.’ The word is heavy in his mouth.

‘And then he ran away from you?’

‘Yes.’ He bites out.

‘But you thought that he kissed you back.’

‘Well, it certainly felt like it till he up and ran!’ James is on the verge of tears.

‘Okay, well I think you two need to talk.’

‘Obviousl-’

Remus interrupts. ‘But he’s hiding from you.’

‘I know that.’ James feels irritated, Remus does this a lot, talking out his thoughts, going through them. Normally it’s funny, right now it just feels like he's rubbing it in.

‘I’m going to get Sirius to talk to him.’ Remus makes to stand to leave.

‘Wait, what? Moony no.’James grabs his arm, reeling him back.

Remus just shakes him off, going towards the door. ‘You need to sort this out, it’s clearly making you unhappy, both of you.’ He says before disappearing behind the door. James puts his head in his hands.

‘Fuck.’

☽

Siris doesn’t think he’s ever felt this angry in his entire life. James is a mess, ignoring everyone, barely eating or getting up in the mornings, and it's because of Regulus. His brother. He's never seen James this distraught in his life, not even when Gryffindor lost the house cup to Slytherin last year and that had been pretty bad too.

He knew that the two of them were friends, maybe more than with James’ crush but he didn't say anything more than they studied together and when he tried to ask Regulus about it he wouldn't budge saying just what James had, they studied and that was it. But Sirius could see the gentle flush on his brother's cheeks.

But something had happened, something big enough for James to be upset enough to miss a quidditch practice and for Regulus to withdraw completely, barely showing up to meals. He was stumped about it for a while, James being shut like a clam and Regulus being a complete hermit that Sirius couldn't corner.

Remus is standing at the door to the library beckoning him forward with a finger. Sirius smirks, shutting his books and pushing them haphazardly into his book bag before rushing to greet him at the entrance.

‘Yes, Moony?’

‘I have to talk to you,’

‘May I ask about what?’ he threw in a cheeky wink.

Remus went red on the ends of his ears but kept a straight face. ‘Your brother and James,’

Sirius’ smile fell. ‘Oh,’

‘Yeah, listen you can’t be mad Regulus,’

‘Why would I be mad at Regulus?’

'Because James and he kissed in the library and then he ran away leaving James alone and now is ignoring him completely,’ Remus states, letting out a small breath.

‘WHAT?’ Sirius exclaimed, fire stirring in his chest.

‘Shhh!’ Remus glanced nervously around.

‘Sorry, but what the fuck? Why would he do that?’

Regulus running away from James? It doesn't make any sense,, especially after his very obvious crush on him.

Remus sighs. ‘I have no idea but that's why James has been so upset, so I need you to talk to Regulus about it,’

‘Damn well I’m gonna talk to Regulus about it!’ He makes to stride forwards down the corridor towards the Slytherin common room. But Remus’ hands shoot out and grab him.

‘No! Sirius you need to talk to him, not yell at him. He’s probably hurting too,’ Remus looks at him sternly.

Sirius huffs. ‘I will, okay? I promise no yelling,’ Remus reluctantly lets him go, watching him walk down the corridor to the dungeons. Once Remus is out of sight Sirius speeds up, anger coursing through his veins. Sirius can't comprehend why he would run, but then he remembers his first kiss with Remus, drunk in the dark in an empty corridor, and how strongly he had been gripped with the urge to run. This only softens his heart a bit for Regulus.

He reaches the Slytherin dorms just in time to see Regulus sneaking out with his posse of friends. Regulus doesn’t look much better than James, hair limp and dirty, eyes tired and downcast with his friends forming some kind of protective barrier around him. Sirius sets forwards all the way to the front of the group, they all stop slightly stunned by his sudden appearance.

‘Reg, I need to talk to you.’ Regulus looks towards his friends. ‘Alone.’ He clarifies. His friends all immediately take off whispering in each other's ears and sending furtive glances back at the two brothers. Regulus looks so tired, with prominent bags under his eyes, his expression completely wiped of emotion.

‘What do you want?’

‘I need to talk to you about James,’ He sees his face flicker with sadness and surprise before he wipes it clear again. He huffs a sigh of disinterest that Sirius doesn’t quite believe and begins to walk down the corridor.

He looks over his shoulder at where Sirius still stands. ‘C’mon then, we need someone more private to talk about this I don’t want anyone to overhear.’ Sirius sighs and then starts to walk. Regulus leads him to a small abandoned classroom and sits down on top of one of the desks. Sirius slips onto one opposite him. Regulus is staring right at him, urging him to speak.

‘Why Reg? I mean, just why? Why leave him there?’

‘I was scared,’ He admits looking away.

‘Of what? Of James? Of people finding out?’

‘Of me, what I had done,’ He sounds like he’s on the verge of tears, Sirius just wants to hug him.

‘Reg, you didn’t do anything wrong,’ Sirius reassures, before correcting. ‘Apart from leaving him there,’

‘No one gets it, I had to leave him there, for the both of us,’

Sirius doesn’t know what to say, he just stares at Regulus who feels a million lightyears away despite sitting on the desk right next to him. This gap between them is too large to bridge although it would really only take one step. Sirius knows exactly how he’s feeling, knows the putrid words their mother spewed that would stick to you like honey.

Disgrace.

Tainted.

Disgusting

‘Regulus, there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s okay to be like this, be this way,’ Sirius just wants to reach over to him, but he can't find the strength in himself so he tries to communicate with him. ‘I’m like you too,’

Regulus sniffles and looks up, looking every bit the small boy he was all those years ago. It aches now to remember it. ‘You are?’

‘I am, and it took me a while to figure it out, but it’s okay, it’s so okay to be like this. It just took me a little longer because I had no one to tell me, but I’m telling you right now, it is okay. It’s also okay to be scared and to not know what to do, but you need to ask for help.’

‘I’m so scared.’ He whispers. ‘I don’t know what I’m doing out here and I know I need help but no one ever taught me how to ask.’ Sirius looks at his little brother, feeling every word he says deep in his soul, it’s like looking into a warped mirror of himself. He reaches his hand out, a lifeline and Regulus grabs it. They sit there for a bit, just holding hands, tethered together sitting on different desks, with different lives still somehow able to understand each other completely.

Eventually, their arms get tired and they can’t hold them up for longer and they let go, hands returning to their sides. Sirius slowly slips off his desk and goes towards his little brother, wrapping his arms around him in a way they haven’t done in years. The effect is almost immediate, sobs echoing through the classroom, both boys clutching at each other feeling the same sorrow. Sirius can feel the tears falling from his cheeks in a constant stream. He can only just barely hear Regulus choke out, ‘He just sees so much of me, and, and I- I can’t, I just can’t. Because there’s so little of me that’s good so what is he looking at?’

Sirius just lets out a soft watery laugh and squeezes him tighter. ‘He’s looking at you Reg, all of you, that’s what he’s looking at,’ Which meant nothing and everything all at once.

☽

Sirius trudges back up to Gryffindor tower, eyes puffy and salty. He gets a few strange looks from people passing by but he doesn’t care. His meeting with Regulus had drained him, he just wants to collapse but he can’t, not until he talks to James, to tell him it’s not his fault. To tell him that its not his fault, that the two of them just need to talk, and that Regulus is just scared. He gets to the common room and comes through the portrait hole to find James sitting on a couch in front of the fire with Remus and Peter on either side of him. He’s staring directly into the flames, bouncing his leg up and down rapidly.

Remus looks up and Sirius feels his heart stop just for a second, it’s silly considering that they’re something now. Well, he’s not quite sure what they are, boyfriends? Lovers? Not the point, the point right now is James. Remus has concern etched onto his face and Peter is whispering something comforting in James’ ear as he keeps staring into the flames.

‘Prongs?’ He says carefully.

James looks up at him finally tearing his eyes away from the fire and Sirius can see it, the complete and utter sadness in his eyes. His heart aches for his best friend. Sirius softens his voice. ‘I just spoke to Reg,’

James’ eyes widen and Sirius can see that they’re bloodshot. He almost doesn’t want to say anything else in case James just breaks down. ‘I think the best thing for the two of you to do would be to talk to each other,’

Peter rolls his eyes, ‘Obviously, but Regulus is making that a bit hard right now,’

‘Just keep trying James, try and get him alone, use the map,’ Remus suggests gently.

James just nods soundlessly. Sirius feels useless staring at his friend. As if he could read Sirius’s mind, Remus grabs his hand and pulls him down to the couch, just squeezing his palm.

☽

Regulus knows James is following him, he can sense him, in the way that James fills up a room with his presence Regulus recognises it. Recognises his footsteps as they fill the corridor even amongst the hustle and bustle of classes. He also knows that James will stop at nothing to try and speak to him.

He’s been doing this for a week now, tailing after Regulus until he inevitably went to his common room or class. Regulus has been purposely avoiding him, never letting himself be caught in an empty corridor, always having company and taking longer winding routes to his classes. None of these things have deterred James.

After his talk with Sirius, Regulus knows he needs to talk to him, to acknowledge him, at least give him some closure. James won’t stop following him, a meeting is inevitable. So he decides to take action. He turns down the corridor heading away from the dungeon and instead to the fourth-floor charms classroom. It should be empty right now, Regulus thinks. Regulus is acutely aware of the pair of hurried feet trailing behind him. When he finally gets to the classroom, he walks to the centre of the room before turning around.

James stands in the doorway, looking at him, mouth downturned in a way that makes Regulus want to hurt whoever made him feel that way. But it’s him who did it, him who hurt him, him who led him to this classroom, him who left him alone in that library with a broken heart.

James takes a step forward into the room and shuts the door, going towards Regulus. His eyes are filled with sadness. Regulus wants to scream.

‘Regulus…’

Regulus flinches at the way his voice sounds, so desperate and lost. All he wants to do is hold him, to protect him, to savour him.

‘Regulus.’ He repeats and Regulus realises he hasn’t responded.

‘James…’ He sighs because he genuinely can’t think of anything else to say.

James strides forward until he’s standing right in front of Regulus, looking down into his eyes, searching for answers. Regulus can’t stand it, the feeling of his gaze boring down into him, his eyes that see too much of him. He looks pointedly over James’s shoulder.

‘Regulus, we need to talk.’ His voice is firm but his bottom lip wobbles as he says it.

Regulus drops his gaze, looking at the floor. ‘I know…’

‘I just- I don’t understand, why? Why did you leave me there? I’m just- I’m just so confused. I’m sorry I kissed you okay but please stop ignoring me, it's torture.’

Regulus looks up. ‘You wanted to kiss me?’

James looks confused. ‘Uh, yeah? Is that not why you're mad?’

‘I- it doesn't matter,’ He feels something swell in his chest, he tries to push it down.

‘Just- can we please just be friends again? I miss you, Regulus.’

He sighs, he is so tired. ‘I can’t do this James. Can’t be this.’ He gestures between the two of them.

‘Be what?’

‘With you, as much as I want to, I can’t do it.’

James grabs his hands almost pleading. ‘But you can Reg. I know you can, if you just try,’

Regulus snatches back his hands. ‘I’m not good for you James, I’m sick and tainted and- and wrong.’ He stutters and wants the floor to open up and swallow him whole.

‘Regulus, no you aren’t, you aren’t any of those things okay? And when it comes to what's good for me you don’t get to decide that, I do,’ James is trying desperately to get him to look at him, Regulus just wants James to look away.

‘I should’ve told you. I should’ve said something. I’m leading you on, I can’t do this, can’t be like this.’

‘Leading me on? Reg what are you talking about?’

‘I- I don’t know, it just- us, it feels all wrong.’ Regulus sighs, feeling like his spine is made of jelly. ‘Please don’t hate me,’ It’s a plea from his mouth.

‘Reg, I hate what you’re doing to me, but I could never hate you, no matter how hard I try.’ James reaches over and envelops him in an embrace, Regulus feels his limbs droop as he falls into James’s chest. They stay like that for a long time standing in the middle of the classroom, hugging. When Regulus finally pulls away, he looks up at James, determined to not break eye contact this time, to stand his ground not to shy away. The air feels thick around them like they’re moving through honey. The space between them feels full of static, Regulus can’t find it in himself to even try to look away if he wanted to.

James looks at him like he hung the stars and Regulus’s chest feels too big for his body. Then James dips down and captures him in a kiss, soft and slow made of sweetness and the aching they have inside. The kiss is bittersweet, all hurt. until it just isn’t. All the sorrow and pain morphing into all the things they haven’t let themselves want, the ache they share leaking out between their lips. And then all Regulus can think about is James’ mouth.

James puts his hands on Regulus’s waist, Regulus’s finding their way into his hair. James walks Regulus backwards until they hit the wall, James putting his arms next to Regulus’s head and pushing him up against it, slipping his thighs between Regulus’s causing the most unholy friction.

Regulus almost moans, letting out a small gasp, breaking their kiss. Regulus can barely speak, only small whispers and gasps fill the air. James is relentless, he’s kissing Regulus everywhere he can, his hands roaming his body, sliding down his chest and across his shoulders. He’s in the middle of sliding his mouth along Regulus’s jaw in the most delectable way when Regulus actually speaks.

‘Li- listen, James… James, you said it, we need to talk,’ he pants.

He lifts his mouth, just barely to beg. ‘No, no talking. Just let me do this, let me have you,’

Regulus lets his head hit the wall again and says nothing more, letting James have every single rotten part of him.

Afterwards, James pulls on his shirt again, zipping up his jeans and Regulus collects his strewn clothes, getting ready again. In the aftermath he regrets it. Regrets letting James in, letting him hold him, letting him have him. He’s sweaty and tired and feeling no better than he did before. Ashamed of what he just did, of what he just let happen. Of hurting James and now about to hurt him even more. He slips his shirt back over his head, messing up his hair more, he can feel James’s iron-hot stare on the back of his head. He heads towards the door.

‘Reg?’ James’s voice cracks.

Regulus doesn’t look back, staring firmly at the door. ‘I never said I was a good person,’

‘You never said you were a bad one either.’ His voice is wobbly.

The silence is long and sits between them, eating out each of their hearts slowly.

Regulus starts again walking towards the door and opening it.

James doesn’t stop him.