Nothing new

Fifth year, early February

Remus isn’t talking to him. Sirius knows why and doesn’t blame him. But it still hurts, sends knives into his chest every time Remus leaves early in the morning to avoid him, when he sits with the girls so as to not sit next to him, when he escapes to the library until curfew to not see Sirius unless absolutely necessary. Sirius feels this constant ache in his bones when he remembers how they used to be before it, heads bowed together scheming, when they would sway to music in their dorm together, when their faces got that tiny bit too close to each other while talking. Sirius loved it, the suspense, thrill and the sparks he would feel down his spine like he was standing on a precipice about to fall. No one else could make him feel like his Moony did. But then he went and mucked it all up. He had stumbled back from the precipice and fallen into a hole.

Sirius can remember the night in almost perfect detail, the way the moon hung so beautifully in the sky like the worst omen of Sirius’ life. The hunger for blood Sirius had felt in his chest when he was spilling the most vulnerable secrets of Remus to Snape. The cold panic and fear that had washed over him when he told James and saw his reaction. Watching James and Peter dash down the grounds as he stood there unmoving, shaking hating himself more than he ever could. Remus’ howls of pain that rung through his ears before he even transformed as he waited outside the willow. James’ anger and Peter’s disgust. The unsettling atmosphere of Dumbledore's office as all five trembling boys sat there explaining what had happened. It’s all been burned into his mind.

When it had first happened James and Peter had screamed and yelled until you could barely hear their voices at him, full of fear and disbelief. It stung for a long while but Sirius doesn’t blame them either. When they had finally asked Sirius why he had done it calmly he had broken down into tears barely able to form a sentence apart from ‘I’m sorry’. And now it’s all he ever says.

James and Peter were thankfully still talking to him, but all their conversation were strained and forced just painfully reminding Sirius that it was him who fucked it all up. He appreciates their efforts to not make him left out but it's all just one big fucked up mess, the whole group is off, and the girls can tell, though Lily is the only one who knows what’s happened.

Sirius has apologised so many times, whenever he can, whispering it into the dark of the dorm from behind his curtains each night even if Remus can’t hear him. He’s lost count of how many times Remus has brushed him off, not saying a word just sweeping past him, he’s also lost count of how many times he’s heard Remus cast a silencing charm on his bed with a cracking voice in the dark.

He pretends not to notice, notice Remus’s eye bags or the way he falls asleep at the breakfast table. Peter and James feel torn, torn between trying to console Moony but also making sure Sirius doesn’t feel isolated. It's a hard balance but they’re trying. Sirius is off the quidditch team indefinitely so he can’t even escape to the sky when everything on the ground gets too much. He can feel everything good in his life come crumbling down all because of one sentence that he spoke.

Sirius watches the map now, almost every day obsessively watches Remus’ name move around the library always making sure he knew where he was and who was with and what he was doing. Peter thought it was unhealthy but James told him not to say anything, Sirius heard them both anyways whispering in the dark, lying awake unable to sleep. He doesn’t care what they think about it, just needs to make sure Moony’s okay.

Both Remus’ and James’ birthdays are both coming up and James wants to throw a huge party. The girls and Peter are both behind him with this idea but Remus claims indifference. James thinks that a party will raise the spirits of the group, drinking and a whole group of people almost pulled to the seams. A great idea. Sirius doesn’t know what he’ll do at the party. Probably try to get plastered and sneak off with a girl so he doesn’t have to sleep in the dorm.

When the day finally rolls around the common room is packed to the brim with people all swaying and shuffling against him. The drinks are strong and the swell of people with the music drifts him into the deep into the crowd, dancing and trying to forget. James is screaming the songs playing at the top of his lungs with Marlene both holding cups of various liquids. Peter is engaged in a deep conversation with Dorcas Meadowes who Sirius vaguely registers as one of his brother’s friends. Lily and Mary are tucked up into a corner of their own world playing with each other's hair, heads bowed whispering to each other in secrecy in a way that is not completely believably platonic.

Sirius is drowning, in both people and alcohol as he feels another unknown brown liquid trickling its way down his throat making him grimace. He doesn’t know who’s around him, only that it’s not Remus and that’s the only person he wants around him. He suddenly can’t deal with the proximity of everyone around him. He slips between the bobbing heads and writhing bodies until he reaches the portrait hole, he pushes it open bursting out into the cold air, taking in large breaths. He turns to find Remus sitting on the floor clutching at his knees right next to the portrait. He feels his breath hitch and he freezes, Remus doesn’t even look up but he speaks.

‘God, this night just got so much better,’ He says scornfully.

God, Sirius has missed his voice so much. He doesn’t say anything just slides down the wall to sit next to him.

Remus finally lifts his head up but doesn’t look at Sirius. ‘Don’t do this to me, Sirius.’

‘I really am sorry,’

‘I know…’ He whispers.

‘I don’t know what else to say,’

‘I don’t know either,’

They stay silent, just sitting there together marinating in their pain, staring straight ahead. Sirius stands up and turns to face Remus who finally looks at him. He stretches out his hand, revealing his palm.

‘I don’t know how to fix this but I want to try, I really badly want to try so please Moony, walk with me for a bit.’ Remus flinches at the nickname and Sirius feels a bit of his heart die inside, but he grabs his hand nonetheless and lets himself get up and follow Sirius down the long corridor. Remus is drunk, he can tell, his legs are wobbly and he keeps slightly veering towards the left. At some point, he clutched onto Sirius’ arm to keep himself upright and Sirius hasn't taken a full breath since suddenly feeling very sober. They stagger awkwardly through the castle together in silence, with no sound but Remus’ uneven breathing and Sirius' sharp careful breaths.

They make it to the third floor by the time one of them speaks. It’s Remus.

‘I hate you.’

He says it so simply like it’s a fact he’s known all his life like it didn't just stab a million daggers into Sirius’ heart.

‘What?’ Sirius can hear his own voice and he hates how it sounds, weak, fragile it sounds like exactly how he feels.

‘Or at least I want to hate you anyways.’

‘Moony…’ He whispers, wanting more than anything to just reach out and touch.

Remus jerks away but doesn’t remove his arm from Sirius’. ‘Don’t call me that, not right now.’

‘I’m so sorry,’

Remus bursts out. ‘I know! I fucking know that you’re sorry! But that doesn’t do much does it?’

‘I’m sorry,’ He says because he can’t say anything else that will make it better, that will make it hurt less.

‘I hate this. I hate this so fucking much,’ His voice is full of pain, but neither of them stops walking. ‘I’m so sick of this being all I am. Just another dangerous beast.’

‘Remus, no. You’re so much more than that, being a werewolf doesn’t define you. It doesn’t matter, it’s not you.’ The corridor is dark because he can’t see the anger that flickered onto Remus’ face. Remus finally stops walking turning towards Sirius.

‘Can’t you understand? This is all I am! This is me! I am a werewolf, a dangerous dark fucking creature! It’s in my blood and my bones, I know that because I nearly fucking killed Snape that night! So don’t try and tell me it doesn’t matter because I know damn well it does.’ He takes a few deep breaths, panting.

Sirius stays silent.

‘Fuck, why can’t I hate you? You did this unbelievably shitty thing to me and I still can’t find it in myself to hate you for it. Why can’t I hate you, Sirius? ’

‘I don’t know…’ He breathes.

Then they’re kissing. Mouths hot on each other, rushing and searching. Sirius feels that familiar spark in his spine and realises this is what he’s been missing inside him. Remus taking, taking and taking and Sirius letting him. The kiss is all anger, frustration and confusion. They don’t speak, cloaked by the darkness, they steal each other's breaths until neither of them can breathe. When they finally break apart, Remus heaves a heavy sigh. Sirius freezes looking up at the taller boy feeling the very sudden urge to run, flee and leave and never speak about this again. Then Remus speaks.

‘That’s why, that’s why I can’t hate you,’

Sirius doesn’t say anything, just throws himself at the boy bringing their mouth together again. This kiss is full of panting and wanting, everything they haven’t said to each other. Remus starts walking Sirius backwards before pushing him into a small broom cupboard and locking the door and whispering a silencing charm all the while his hands never leaving Sirius. The night went on.

Over time it just grew into a habit, they would meet up and steal away into empty classrooms or broom cupboards and have each other, then never speak once it was done. In fact, they rarely ever spoke during it. Sirius did once though, letting out a small whimper of, ‘I miss you, I’m sorry,’. Remus had stopped and looked at him before asking, ‘Do you want to stop?’ which forced Sirius to acknowledge that he wanted this rather than nothing so he shook his head and they never spoke of it again.

When they finally started talking to each other it was hard, it started out small with Sirius passing him the sugar at the breakfast table, to giving him the homework answers and letting him copy his essay. The process was painstakingly slow but Sirius was willing to put in anything and everything to get Remus to forgive him. Peter and James watched in awe as the two boys slowly started to talk again, but never about what they did in the dead of night.

After a few months of actually talking to each other, Remus finally said something about their arrangement. They were sitting in the dorm together doing their homework.

‘What are we doing Sirius?’

Sirius looked up at him, eyebrows knitted together.

‘What?’

‘What are we?’

Sirius looked back down at the work in his lap. ‘We’re whatever you want us to be,’

Remus seemed pleased enough with this answer and Sirius only realised later that he never asked Remus what they were which meant Sirius didn’t know. Overall their relationship mainly stayed the same except sometimes Remus would slink into his bed at night or hold his hand. Sirius didn’t mind whatever Remus thought they were, he was happy enough to comply if it meant they got to keep doing what they did.

After James had gone off to find Regulus, Sirius finally asked the question that had been on his mind while they were studying in the library. They were holding hands under the table when Sirius tapped Remus on the shoulder with his free hand.

‘Am I your boyfriend?’

‘Hm?’ He looked up. ‘If you want to be, then yes,’

‘Cool, cool, cool, do you want to be my boyfriend?’

Remus’ cheeks tinged red. ‘Yes,’

‘That settles it then, boyfriends it is,’ Sirius could feel how red his face was and his heart was beating ridiculously fast. Remus quickly took a sweep of the empty library before swooping down and capturing Sirius in a kiss that took both of their breaths away.

‘Boyfriends it is,’ He smiled.

When they left the library they held hands the entire walk back, ignoring the stares they got, high on the feeling. When they entered to the common room they found Peter running his hands through his hair frantically pacing.

‘Pete, what’s wrong? What happened?’

‘It’s James, he was just- just flying, p-practicing,’ He was fumbling over his words his voice shaky.

‘What happened to James flying?’ Remus asked.

‘He fell! He got hit in the head by a beater's bat,’ Peter cried wringing his hands. ‘And they won’t let me in the hospital wing!’

‘Won’t let you in?’ Sirius says outraged, all happiness from earlier is replaced with anger and fear for his friends.

‘C’mon let’s go.’ Remus and Pete follow him to the hospital wing where he bangs on the door loudly. When Pomfrey comes to open the door she scowls, ‘I thought I told you, you couldn’t come in,’

‘You’re kidding yourself if you think we won’t see him,’ Sirius scoffs.

‘Please Pomfrey! Just let us see him, he’s our best mate,’ Remus pleads always the nurse’s favourite.

She tutted giving in. ‘Fine, but only for a bit,’ She warned. ‘He needs rest and he’s not awake yet so don’t move him around or wake him,’

Sirius was still vibrating with fear so he just hurriedly nodded along with his two other friends. They rushed into the hospital wing to James’ bed all crowding around him. He looked down at James, messy hair spread across the white pillows, his warm skin contrasting with the bright white sheets.

He has a thick bandage wrapped around his head and his arms laid out straight on the bed, looking like a stiff mannequin. There’s a bottle of dreamless sleep and a pain potion on the bedside table. His eyes are shut looking very peaceful amongst the bed sheets looking a bit like an angel with a head injury. Sirius can feel the tears prickling in his eyes.

‘Oh, James, you complete dolt…’