Nothing new

Regulus feels marginally better after confessing to Evan, who had kept a straight face the entire time before simply stating after he was done, ‘Be whoever you want to be Regulus and if that involves having a crush on a really obnoxious Gryffindor go for it,’ then leaving the dorm. But Regulus still has acid swirling in his stomach, just reminding him that this is wrong.

He is wrong.

He holds his head in his hands, foot bouncing nervously on the floor. He feels like he's out at sea, no anchor, not even a lighthouse to show him the way. His head is so loud. He can’t stop feeling like this, like something is broken inside him, rotting him from the inside out. He can feel the tears prickling at his eyes threatening to burst out. He is dirty and tainted, he hears the words echo in his brain almost verbatim from his mother. He lets a tear fall, and then another and another. Harsh sobs wrench themselves from his body, scraping his insides till there’s nothing left. His voice is hoarse and dry. He feels like this is all he does now, cry.

When Regulus finally makes it to the library, his eyes are red and puffy, tear lines badly concealed on his face. James immediately stops bouncing on the balls of his feet his brow dropping and furrowing with concern coming towards Regulus.

‘Hey, are you okay?’

‘I’m fine Potter, let’s just study okay?’

‘Yeah.. okay,’

James leads him to his little hidden spot in the library putting down his books and bringing out his coursework and Regulus does the same, sitting on the opposite side of the table as him. James can’t focus, his brain is fuzzy and loud. He ignores his work instead just watching Regulus who’s head is bowed, diligently scribbling away on parchment. Neither of them speak, the only sound is Regulus’s occasional sniffles and the shuffle of papers. It’s obvious he’s been crying and his attempts to try and hide it are fruitless. It had been about half an hour when James eventually asks again.

‘Are you completely sure you’re okay?’

Regulus lifts his head, eyes red but significantly less puffy. ‘I told you before, I’m fine.’

James rolls his eyes. ‘Well clearly you’re not,’

‘Just leave it, I’m fine, okay?’

James shrugs. ‘Your eyes are red, you’ve been crying Reg it’s obvious, you can talk to me y’know?’

Regulus heaves a sigh. ‘I don’t need to talk to anyone about it, least of all you.’

James looks concerned. ‘Look, I just want to make sure you’re o-’

Regulus interrupts. ‘Leave it, Potter. I told you I was fine, just accept it okay? Just- I want to be here okay? I don’t want to talk to you about it, I just want to study. Is that alright with you?’

James nods silently, a small smile on his lips. Regulus returns to his essay, trying to find out where he was on the affects of jobberknolll feathers in veritaserum. He only just finds the paragraph he was reading when James pipes up again.

‘You really want to be here?’

Regulus rolls his eyes. ‘Do you think I would be here if I didn’t?’

James feels flush crawling up his neck. ‘I don’t know, you always seem annoyed with me,’

‘Well, I’m here and not annoyed with you, but I will be if you keep interrupting my studying,’ He warns.

‘Okay, sorry.’ James has a little shine in his eyes. The two of them look away back to their respective work. Regulsu returns to his essay, finally finding the answer he was looking for he begins to scratch down notes to look at as he writes. When he finishes he realises he can’t hear James’s quill. He lifts his head to find James staring at him. At being caught James goes red on the ends of his ears but otherwise doesn’t seem embarrassed. Regulus feels caught under his gaze, like a fly in a spiderweb, he looks away unable to keep eyecontact feeling his face go hot. Regulus focuses on the window to the courtyard beneath instead.

‘What are you doing?’

‘What do you mean?’ He hears James ask.

‘Why are you staring?’ Just saying the words makes his heart flutter.

In the corner of his eyes he sees James shrug slightly. ‘‘Cause I can. Why? Do you have a problem with it?’

‘Yes actually, stop.’

James surrenders. ‘Okay,’

Regulus can still feel his face burning and takes a breath before going back to his work. He can feel a smile creeping onto his lips so he covers his hand trying to be inconspicuous. James smiles knowingly. Regulus breathes a small sigh feeling much better than he did before.

Over time, the studying grew into a habit, they would meet each other at the library and go their small little nook, James staring at Regulus and Regulus trying to complete his schoolwork without melting under his gaze. When they would get bored of studying the would put the books away and talk about whatever was on their mind whether it be Quidditch or the latest invention at Zonkos, the latter being solely James’s interest.

James was slowly learning more and more about Regulus, his hobbies and interests, his opinions on teachers and classmates, his (in James’s opinion) untasteful view on Zonkos toys. And as much as it terrified Regulus to have someone crack him open and see everything within him, he also couldn’t bring himself to stop. James was so comfortable and safe he couldn’t help but talk. He knew he was digging himself into a grave but he didn’t want to stop because every shovel of dirt was a laugh or a smile from James that filled his chest with happiness.

☽

James feels elated, the last weeks have been good, better than good, they’ve been great. There’s no exams coming up and thanks to Regulus’s and his studying sessions he’s updated on his homework. He sits on the edge of lake with Peter, Sirius and Remus. They aren’t doing anything in particular just lounging around, Moony and Padfoot whispering occasionally in eachothers ears, Peter fiddling with a snitch James nicked. James is lying back on the grass, basking the warm sun into his brown skin. But then something catches his eye, the glint of a silver and green tie, black curls bouncing off of his shoulders, clutching books in his hands. He looks perfect, well he always looks perfect, James thinks.

James calls out. ‘Hey Reg!’ He waves.

Regulus looks startled but sends back a hesitant wave before continuing his walk. James watches as he goes, resting his face on his hand. Beside him Peter snorts, setting down the snitch.

He nudges Remus. ‘Should we let him now he’s drooling?’

He whips around to face them. ‘Oi, piss off I am not.’

‘You kind of are Prongs,’ Sirius agrees, tilting his head as if it were obvious.

‘I am not drooling!’ He defends.

‘Then what’s that on your face?’ Remus points to the side of his mouth. James’s hand immediately flies to his cheek only to wipe away nothing. He glares at Remus as the three of them dissolve into laughter. James feels his ears go red, but eventually joins the rest of them until they are all just rolling on the grass clutching their stomachs. When they finally calm down, Remus returns to murmuring into Sirius’s ears and Peter begins to show James all of the new chess tactics he’s learnt at his first week in chess club.

‘You’d never believe how good everyone is!’ he exclaims. ‘I finally get to verse some people I have a chance of losing against!’

‘Oi!’ Moony pipes up. ‘I am a perfectly good opponent,’

‘Not you! Just James and Sirius.’

‘Alas dear Wormtail I have many talents but chess is not one,’ Sirius clasps his chest dramatically.

‘Yeah sorry I’m not a chess mastermind,’ James shrugs.

‘Didn’t really expect you to be, Jamie.’

‘I don’t know if that’s an insult or not,’ He murmurs and Sirius sniggers.

He looks up to the horizon to catch the sun setting casting a sweet orange glow over the grounds. He remembers his meeting with Regulus. He goes to stand and bids goodbye to his friends who call after him.

‘Ooh, going to hang out with Regulus, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!’ Remus calls, James flips him off before striding across the grass.

‘USE PROTECTION!’ Peter screams at him, causing several people to turn and stare. James wants to fall into a hole and never come out. He hears Sirius behind him.

‘Ew! Wormtail that’s my brother!’

James makes it to library to find Regulus standing there waiting patiently for him at the entrance.

‘Hi,’ He says.

‘Hi, let’s go?’ Regulus turns and heads into the library. When they pass Ms Pince's desk, she gives Regulus a curt nod but a cold glare at James. When they’re out of earshot James whispers to him.

‘Crazy bat, she’s got it out for me I swear.’

Regulus rolls his eyes. ‘She’s not that bad you just need to be nice to her, besides she only hates people if they’ve done something to her.’

‘I set off dungbombs in here one time!’ he says indignant and Regulus snorts beside him making him grin. When they arrive at their nook, Regulus pulls out his notes and James his own. Just looking at all the paper makes his eyes hurt. Regulus settles down almost immediately getting straight into his reading.

An hour or two passes and James has made no progress on his work, he’s been staring out the window for the better part of the time. James stares down at his work again, rolls and rolls of parchment on how disappearing and reappearing objects works. His head is aching. Regulus is next to him prattling off about the latest potion he made in class. James sighs shutting his eyes and Regulus looks at him, shutting up immediately.

‘Headache?’

‘Headache,’ He confirms.

Regulus hums and turns back and goes back to his homework giving James the silence he needs, working diligently as James massages his own forehead. They sit there for a good few minutes next to each other. James can’t feel his head getting any better. He groans in pain.

‘Oh for Christ's sake, look let me do it’ Regulus snaps.

James is confused but willingly lets him remove James’s hands from his face and replace them with his. Regulus reaches up and presses down lightly on his temples to almost completely remove the pressure pounding against James’s skull. James looks down into his eyes feeling like he could just melt into his arms right now. But to his surprise, Regulus doesn’t look away like he normally does. No, he keeps his gaze staring right back at James, his hands still cradling James’s face. His palms meet James’s cheeks and they stay there for a moment, Regulus holding him, looking at each other.

James thinks this moment could swallow him whole and he wouldn’t mind. Regulus’s face is tilted up slightly and James ever so slightly sways in and Regulus mirrors. But not once do they break eye contact. James feels like he’s about to explode. He reaches his head down towards Regulus and their lips meet. A soft sweet kiss that sets James completely alight. This, this right here. This is everything that was missing in him. This is what makes him whole. His whole body sings, but then Regulus pulls away, eyes wide as saucers. He barely stutters out a word before he’s frantically grabbing everything on the table and setting off through the library, leaving James alone.