Nothing new

If only you could have your way, this wouldn't be so long
You shouldn't have to feel this way, it's wrong, it's wrong, it's wrong
If only you could have your way, this wouldn't be so long
You shouldn't have to feel this way, it's wrong, it's wrong, it's wrong
It's wrong, it's wrong, it's wrong
- Blushing, Ball Park Music

James finds himself looking for Regulus all the time now. Every time he walks by, every quidditch game, at every meal, his eyes will drift over to the Slytherin table, the conversations will go fuzzy in his ears and all he can see, think and feel is Regulus. It’s a strange feeling. It’s also addicting. So he does it again and again and again, his eyes finding black curls and blue eyes, getting lost in them somehow even with the distance between them. He feels a gentle hand on his shoulder, he turns to face Sirius.

‘You alright mate?’ His eyes are concerned, James understands but just can’t bear to explain to him why.

‘Yeah you’ve been acting a bit odd lately James,’ Peter adds in.

Remus says nothing, just stares at him with a knowing look in his eyes. James squirms under his gaze but then it’s gone and he’s looking away, swept up into conversation with Lily. He knows, James thinks, but what does he know? Because not even James knows completely. There’s now a sour taste that sits on his tongue, sharp and acidic. He pushes away his plate no longer hungry. Sirius’s brow furrows.

‘I’m fine, just a little out of it,’ He waves off.

☽

Regulus can’t feel his legs. Can’t feel any of himself really. He knows he’s shaking, knows he’s shaking and sweating, hair slick on his forehead. But not breathing.

Fuck.

Why can’t he tell if he’s breathing?

He sucks in sharply, the air burning as it goes through him. He exhales too quickly and the air leaves just as quickly as it came. Nothing changes. He still doesn’t feel like he’s breathing.

Is this breathing? What counts as breathing?

His thoughts are racing and he’s still not breathing. He sucks in again, and again and again. The air cuts his lungs in every single breath, stinging until he can finally feel the air stay in his lungs long enough for him to catch his breath. He holds his head between his knees, rocking back on forth on his bed, a silencing charm cast so he doesn’t disturb Barty and Evan.

He hates feeling like this. Knows what it means about him. Everything his mother says he is. Weak. Pathetic. Useless. He grips the bed sheets in between his fingers. Trying to ground himself, and bring himself back to reality. Regulus can’t even remember what got him in this state in the first place. Then it all comes flooding back to him. Soft brown eyes, haphazard hair, and a lopsided grin and glasses. Against its own will, his heart skips a beat. He runs a hand over his face, smearing his tears. It’s all he can think of now. James. James. James.

He doesn’t know what to do. What does he even call it? A crush? He has a crush on James Potter of all people. His brother’s best friend. A boy. He lets the thought simmer for a while. Thinks about what it would be like if James liked him back. If they would walk through the halls holding hands. Would he buy him flowers? Practice quidditch together? Would they kiss and let people see them? No, he reminds himself. They wouldn’t because James Potter does not like him back, wouldn’t, couldn’t do that to Sirius.

Then another annoying thought pushes into Regulus’s mind. Meeting James’s parents, would they hug him and embrace him like their own just like they did with Sirius? His heart just aches more. The lump in his throat rises again. Hot tears flow down his cheeks. Staining me, he thinks. He knows what his mother would say now, a mantra basically burnt into his mind.

Disappointment.

Disappointment.

Disappointment.

He just grips his hair tighter, rocking back and forth.

☽

James feels the wind whipping through his hair. He feels breathless. He feels alive. Flying can do that to you, make you feel invincible like some kind of superhero. Even the bad bits of it give a thrill. Sharp turns and near misses, the kick you get when you go just a bit too fast, the adrenaline when you dip down and dive plummeting down to earth. That’s what James feels now as he slices through the sky, the air hitting his face. Up here he has the whole world in his hands, he is king and this is his kingdom, his domain, where he can be him.

He lets the cold breeze sting his face, pulls his broom to a stop, and just looks over the grounds. Then just in the distance, he spots him, a small fuzzy black blob with a book spread on his lap just near the edge of the lake. Without thinking he dives down, feet on the grass in seconds, heading towards Regulus. When he finally reaches Regulus, he drops his broom onto the ground before flopping down next to him.

‘Hi,’

Regulus turns to him, startled.

‘Hello?’ He raises one eyebrow. ‘Why are you talking to me?’

‘Well, you know you and Sirius are trying to make amends and I thought, why not clear the air in case there are any negative feelings between us, because I kind of got the vibe yesterday you didn’t like me.’ James explains.

Regulus frowns and it’s the most adorable thing James has seen cross his face, he has to bite down on his lip to keep from laughing. ‘It’s not my fault if you can’t tell whether someone wants to be left alone or they don’t like you, Potter.’

James grins. ‘So you do like me?’

‘What? No. What gave you that idea?’

‘You just said, “It’s not my fault if you can’t tell whether someone wants to be left alone or they don't like you, Potter,”, therefore you meant that yesterday you just wanted to be left alone and that you do like me.’

Regulus flushes a deep crimson. ‘I worded it weirdly, I completely still hate you.’

‘Uh huh, sureeeeeeee,’ James lies back on the grass, stretching out like a cat, grin still plastered on his face.

‘Shut up, Potter’

‘Only if you ask nicely,’

‘I could never be nice to you,’

‘Have you ever been nice to anyone?’

‘Hey! I have on occasion!’

‘Yeah probably just sucking up to professors like a little nerd,’ James laughs.

Regulus hits him with his book on the leg.

‘Ouch, what the fuck was that for?’ He cries out.

Regulus looks smug. ‘For being an idiot,’

‘Like it’s not true, I swear to god you have Slughorn wrapped around your finger,’ He defends.

He shrugs. ‘Slughorn sucks up to everyone he considers useful for later,’

James snorts. ‘Like his stupid little slug club?’

‘Like his stupid little slug club,’ Regulus agrees. ‘He thinks I’ll get him in with the Black family, status and all that,’ He waves his hand. ‘He doesn’t know that I’m not all that close to my family anymore,’

‘You aren’t?’ James sits up.

‘No, some stuff happened over the holidays and I guess I finally realized they aren’t the best parents,’

‘Yeah, no shit,’

Regulus bows his head, looking at the floor. ‘I know Sirius probably told you I was like their biggest defender or something, but I wasn’t, I just- I don’t know,’ He runs a hand over his face. ‘They’re my parents, and I felt like I owed them something, to be exactly what they wanted even when they were so horrible to us. I guess I just thought they would love me if I was, and fuck- I really wanted them to love me.’ His voice is soft and full of sadness. It makes James’s heart hurt. He wipes at his eyes before lifting his head and taking a breath.

‘Sorry about that, I don’t know why I told you that,’ His voice is clearer now, fake.

‘Christ, Regulus it’s okay, it is so okay,’ James puts his hand on his shoulder. Regulus doesn’t look at him, just looking out towards the black lake. The silence lingers, just James watching Regulus, his hand still on his shoulder, and Regulus watching the lake.

‘Listen, Regulus if you’d like, tomorrow we could study at the library together?’

Then Regulus turns to him. ‘Yeah, that’d be nice,’

James chuckles. ‘Look at us, a whole conversation with no fighting,’

Regulus smiles softly up at him. He has a small smile, lips just upturned at the corners. James wants to kiss it. James’s brain stutters taking a rerun of what he just thought.

Oh.

James wants to kiss him. He doesn't quite know what to do now. He just stares at Regulus blinking, completely frozen.

Then Regulus stands up. ‘I have to go back to my dorm, I promised Barty I’d help him with his homework, bye James,’

‘Yeah bye…’ James barely says, watching Regulus’s back as he walks away, letting his realisation wash over him slowly.

☽

James struggles with his newfound crush, especially with keeping it a secret. He has no idea how Sirius will react if he knew but it’s taking all his willpower not to blurt it out to his best friend. The past few days have been agony, he’s never hidden something from Sirius and its practically ripping him in half on the inside. He sits in the dorm fretting. He doesn’t know what to do so he turns to Peter.

‘Pete, what would you do if you found out you liked someone, but that someone was also a someone to someone who was very close to you who might be mad if they found out that you liked the first someone, but you really badly want to tell that someone because they’re really important to you? What would you do?’

Peter looks thoroughly confused which is not helping James at all. ‘Okay, well first of all, what?’

James sighs. ‘No point going around it I guess, I think I have a crush on Regulus…’ He mumbles off.

‘Who?’

‘Regulus!’ He almost yells.

Peter's hands fly to his ears. ‘Christ alright, no need to scream,’

‘Sorry Pete, I’ve been keeping this in for a while.’

He winces. ‘Yeah, clearly. Regulus huh? I’m guessing the person close to you is Sirius?’ James nods. ‘Just tell him.’ Peter advises.

‘What? Why?’

‘‘Cause, he’s your best friend and I don’t think he could ever hate you. Besides aren’t he and Regulus getting on now? It’ll be fine.’

‘I guess, but won’t it still be weird? Like it’s his little brother,’

‘I mean maybe but you and Sirius are like practically soulmates, he’ll get over it, if he even is mad about it.’

James nods slowly. ‘I guess… Okay, I think I’ll do it! Yeah and if Sirius doesn’t like it he can deal with it!’ He says with much more confidence than he actually has.

Peter slaps him on the back, good-naturedly. ‘Good on you mate. Go do it.’

‘Wait like now?’

‘Can’t see why not?’

‘Okay then, I guess I’ll go now.’ James stands and walks to the door, grabbing the Marauders map from his bedside table on the way, before he steps out the door Peter calls.

‘Good luck, hope he doesn’t decapitate you,’

‘Yeah real inspiring Pete,’ James deadpans.

‘I do my best.’ He shrugs. ‘Now go!’

‘Yeah, I got it! I’m going!’

As James walks down the stairs he taps the map with his wand whispering a quiet ‘I solemnly swear I am up to no good.’ The ink on the page immediately flourishes revealing the map of the castle. He scans it looking for Sirius’s name. When he finds it, it’s on the fourth floor in a broom cupboard very very close to Remus's name. James snorts to himself before putting the map away in his pocket and heading for the fourth floor.

When he gets to the fourth floor, he waits around the corner leaning against the wall from the cupboard, fiddling with his wand in boredom while watching the map. He hears the cupboard door open after 15 minutes of waiting and he doesn’t move, he can hear the two muttering and one set of shoes goes down the other hall away from James. James pushes off the wall and turns the corner to find Sirius Black currently fixing his tie, hair dishevelled looking very happy.

‘Having a good night?’ James asks, an innocent look on his face.

Sirius looks up immediately, eyes wide. ‘Uh, James- I was just um-’

James could cackle at his friends current state. But the fear is Sirius's eyes is enough for him to try and collect himself. Sirius looks thoroughly scared and confused. ‘I know, Sirius, okay? I know about you and Moony,’

‘What? How? When? Why?’ He sputters.

‘Oh, like the two of you were good at hiding it,’ James rolls his eyes. ‘But that’s not why I’m here, not that we won’t talk about this later.’

‘Why are you here?’

‘Okay so I have something to tell you, but you need to promise that you won’t be mad at me okay?’

‘Is this about why you’ve been weird lately?’

‘I- yeah… How did you know?’

‘Just figured, you can never keep any secrets from me.’

James huffs. ‘I totally can keep secrets from you!’ Sirius looks at him with an unbelieving expression. ‘Okay, maybe I can’t and the last few days have been torture but I tried okay!’ He admits.

‘It’s fine James, just tell me what it is.’

‘Oh right, I um, maybe might have a bit of a tiny eensy weensy crush on your brother.’

‘Oh,’

'Yeah, that was my reaction too.’ James says.

‘Um, it’s just a bit to process give me a sec,’

James puts his hands behind his back watching Sirius who is currently staring at the floor, brow furrowed. James swings back and forth on his heels awkwardly while Sirius stares determinedly at one spot on the floor. The silence lasts forever in James’s opinion but Sirius finally speaks.

‘Okay,’

‘Okay?’

‘Yeah, I’m okay with it, I think...’

James breathes a sigh of relief. 'Thank God,’ He hugs Sirius tightly. ‘Pete thought you’d decapitate me or something,’

Sirius laughs. ‘What?’

James doesn't answer instead swinging back and beginning to walk down the corridor, Sirius on his tail, in sync like they always are. 'So, how'd you know about me and Moony?'

It's James's turn to laugh. 'Have you seen the two of you?'

'What's that supposed to mean?'

☽

Regulus is a mess, he can’t stop thinking about James, doesn’t know what to do, what to say. After their talk at the lake, he can’t stop delusional daydreams of James from making their way into his brain. He keeps trying to push them out of his head but they come back every time and Regulus is a weak, weak boy and he lets them stay getting himself lost in the fantasy. He feels pathetic. He knows what his parents would say about this, that it was sick and unnatural. He can feel the words prickling in his stomach making him uneasy.

He knows he shouldn’t like him. But his brain betrays him every time leaving him feeling guilty and dirty. He’s already cried about it at least twice. Hes trying not to let his his parents beliefs and bigotry affect his life. Tries to be a better new person, but all he feels is ashamed, ashamed of himself and all that he feels inside him.

He swears to himself he can’t let this crush grow into more than that but he craves James like a drug. He feels tormented. It's like the universe is taunting him. Look at this, everything you want and can’t have, it mocks. It dangles James in front of him like a hare at a dog race and Regulus keeps on chasing after him.

Regulus decides he can’t keep it inside himself anymore, he needs to talk to someone, needs to get this out of him before he explodes all of this coming out of him destructively. He knows what to do.

‘Hey, Evan I need to tell you something.’