Nothing new

James collapses backward onto his bed, letting the soft linen soak into his aching limbs. The sheets smell of green apples and soft feathers. He lets out a sigh. Nothing feels quite like Hogwarts does. He hears his dormmates shuffling around, he lifts his head up. Remus is currently neatly packing away at least 15 different journals into his bedside table drawers. Sirius is hanging off his bed, head upside down hair just skimming the floor, trying to balance his wand on his bottom lip. Peter is sitting on his bed, legs crossed, his trunk left unopened on the floor, watching Sirius fail with curiosity. James smiles and swings himself up off his bed looking at his three best friends. The comfortable silence envelops them in a way James doesn’t think anyone could describe. How they’re all here, in harmony with each other without even realizing it. Like one beating heart, he thinks. Sirius looks up at him, his wand rolling down the floor, Peter's eyes following it beneath the bed.

‘What?’ He asks.

‘Nothing,’ James says.

☽

The great hall is crowded and loud. Students fill every corner and everyone's conversations are overlapping and becoming one great big ball of noise. James loves it. He currently sits next to Peter and Mary who are having a heated discussion about putting socks in your hair and wearing it to bed? In all honesty, he hasn’t been listening, only waiting for Sirius and Remus to come down. Sometimes he hates getting up early and having to lure everyone down to breakfast at an “unreasonable hour”. The only reason Peter came down was because he promised him three of his chocolate frogs. Sirius and Remus were basically stone in their decision to stay upstairs though. James looks down at his half-eaten breakfast bored and finally starts to listen in to the conversation.

‘I mean, it just doesn’t make sense! Why would you want to put socks in your hair to make it curly when you have magic.’ Peter says bewildered.

Mary rolls her eyes, shovelling a forkful of egg into her mouth. ‘No Pete, you just don’t get it it’s not the same when it’s magic, doesn’t look as good.’

‘People have been curling their hair with magic for ages I’m sure it looks fine, what’s the need to bring laundry into your hair for?’

At this point, James butts in. ‘Mary why would you need to curl your hair?’ He gestures to her head with his fork. ‘Looks curly enough to me,’

‘It’s not for me James, it’s for Lily. She didn’t know how to curl her hair so I was helping her with this hack I used to do with my friends back home, where you wrap your hair with socks and then go to sleep and wake up with curls.’ She explains.

‘With socks?’ James asks.

‘Yeah, it works really well.’

‘I’m sorry maybe I don’t grasp the full concept of this so called ‘hack’ but putting things that go on feet in my hair just seems a bit gross is all,’ Peter adds.

Mary rolls her eyes again. ‘Yeah, I gathered that Pete,’ Peter opens his mouth to say something but is interrupted by Sirius and Remus entering the hall. Sirius looks bright with energy, prepared for another year at Hogwarts away from his family.

‘Hey, guys!’ He calls, eyes bright.

Remus on the other hand looks… tired. He has bags under his eyes and his eyelids are drooping. Sirius practically jumps into his seat but Remus just sinks into his, dropping his head into his hands almost immediately. He knows why Remus has been so tired, there was a full moon over the hols and not long before school started up again which only means one thing. An exhausted and irritable Remus. Sirius turns his head towards him and reaches out an arm and squeezes him tight round the shoulders. A small gesture to make him feel less alone. Remus looks up and scrunches his nose with a grateful smile at him before finally pulling a plate towards himself. Sirius lets go of him and begins to settle into his breakfast, eating like a rabid dog, practically shoving everything in sight into his mouth. Mary snorts.

‘Slow down will you, it’s not running away from you Black,’

Peter and James both share a look. They know why Sirius is so eager for his food. At Grimmauld Place, his mother, Walburga, will take away his food from him as punishment and he comes back almost every time with a ravenous appetite. But no one tells Mary this, instead, Remus lifts his head from his plate to snap.

‘Leave him alone Macdonald,’

Mary lifts her hands in self defence. ‘Jeez alright didn’t realize it was such a big deal.’

James pats her on the back. ‘It’s fine, just don’t bring it up again.’ She still looks confused but not one of the boys elaborates so she closes her mouth, upset. Breakfast continues in awkward silence, everyone giving their undivided attention to their own plates. Then Lily and Marlene arrive.

‘Mornin’,’ Marlene chirps sliding in beside Mary with Lily next to her. When no one responds, she looks around obviously befuddled.

‘What’s got everyone so quiet this morning?’ Lily asks.

Mary looks around and when no one says anything she speaks. ‘Well, apparently these people are very touchy about their disgusting eating habits,’

‘I’d watch what you say, Macdonald,’ Remus growls.

Sirius touches his arm. ‘It’s fine Moony, she doesn’t know,’ he whispers, trying to soothe him. But Remus brushes him off, looking straight at Mary

‘Yeah, and what are you gonna do you overgrown weed?’ She shoots at him.

Sirius stands up and starts tugging at Remus’s sleeve. ‘C’mon Moony let’s just go to class,’ He looks to James and Peter desperate for help. They both immediately get up and grab their bags.

‘Yeah Moony, let’s just go,’ James offers.

But Remus keeps glaring at Mary, eye contact unwavering both too stubborn to back down. Marlene and Lily look between each other completely bewildered. Sirius is practically pulling Remus out of his seat before he finally stands and turns to leave, stalking out of the hall quickly as Sirius chases after him. Peter and James walk behind and can hear bits of their conversation.

‘I couldn’t let her talk about you like that,’ Remus claims, indignant.

Sirius runs a hand over his face. ‘I know, but Merlin you didn’t have to go after her. She doesn’t know.’

‘I’m sorry okay? I just- the moon.’ He sighs. ‘It always fucks me up when I have to do it alone. I’m sorry,’

‘Oh Moony,’ Sirius reaches his arm over his shoulder and squishes their sides together. James doesn’t miss Remus’s reddening face. Then something happens that James doesn’t expect. Regulus Black rounds the corner and his eyes meet his brother’s and they both freeze.

‘Oh shit,’ Peter says stopping right before the pair next to Remus.

‘My thoughts exactly Peter,’ Remus replies.

In a strange turn of events, the pair don’t immediately start fighting with each other instead Sirius steps forward stretching out his arms and Regulus falls into them, his normally stony face contorting into a painful grimace. James remembers when he first met Regulus on the Hogwarts Express when Sirius had introduced him. Back when he was nothing but a small boy strangely quiet, standing with his hands behind his back and his head up straight. He remembers Sirius being so excited for them to meet him, but Regulus said nothing, did nothing, just sat there and observed the four boys. He remembers Sirius’s disappointment that he was so silent. He’s not usually like this, he explained, he’s normally really nice and funny. James watched Sirius and Regulus over the years. Watched them go from brothers to acquaintances, to strangers who happened to live in the same cursed home. James remembers holding Sirius as he sobbed over him and his whole family, remembers never feeling hatred towards anyone like he did in that moment. But they are no longer the brothers they were on that train, now they stand here four years later a lifetime of things between them, embracing.

The three friends are speechless watching this extremely unlikely display of affection between the brothers who normally would prefer to ignore the other's existence. Sirius tightens his grip around his brother and James thinks he hears a sob come from one of them though he can’t tell who. James, Peter, and Remus all share the same stunned expression as they stand awkwardly around the pair. Then Regulus steps back wiping his face of emotion, taking a long breath and nodding at his brother then continuing down the hall like nothing spectacular just occurred. Sirius drags a hand over his hair, settling it down before turning to his friends with a small smile on his face.

‘Um, what the actual fuck Pads,’

☽

Sirius is rather tight-lipped about what happened between the brothers but tells them enough for James to know that something happened over the holidays and the brothers are on speaking terms now. James feels absolutely bewildered by these developments but knows his best friend enough not to push him. Now they sit in the library secretly sharing Peter’s stash of honeydukes lollies. James and Sirius are locked in a very serious staring contest with tears threatening to roll down both their cheeks while Peter is trying very desperately to get his homework answers from Remus who is ignoring him in favour of his own homework.

‘Please, please, please Remus,’ He begs.

Remus only rolls his eyes.

‘Just the answer to number twelve, I promise I won’t ask anything else!’

He slams his book shut, looking pointedly at Peter. ‘If you need the answers that badly why don’t you harass one of those two,’ He gestures to James and Sirius, still staring into each other's eyes. ‘Because they finished the homework yesterday.’ He sighs and returns back to his work.

‘What!’ Peter squawks looking between the two. ‘You told me you hadn’t done it yet!’

Sirius shrugs not breaking eye contact but James turns to Peter and says. ‘I’ll give them to you when we get back to the dorm, okay Pete?’

‘Yeah, thanks James,’

James turns back to Sirius to find him smirking.

‘What?’

‘You looked away, you lost. Give me my rewards peasant.’ He sing-songs at him.

James groans and hands over half of the honey duke's lollies from the pile in front of him. Sirius barks a laugh and happily adds it to his own giant pile. Remus looks up to ask, ‘James, can you grab me the textbook for transfiguration fifth year, thanks,’ before looking back down to his papers.

‘Only for you, my darling Remus,’ James bats his eyelashes at him.

‘Yeah, yeah just go get the book,’

James slips out of his chair and goes into the rows and rows of books looking for the ‘T’ section for Transfiguration, instead, he finds something much more interesting. He sees Regulus standing at a shelf, looking down at a book in his hands. His hair is perfectly coiffed resting on his shoulders in soft curls of black. James had never noticed how delicate his movements are, how gently he turns the pages or how gracefully he holds himself. Normally when he sees Regulus, he and Sirius are at each other's throats, it’s odd to see him look so… normal. It’s strange but James also hadn’t noticed until now how attractive Regulus is. Just in a conventional way, a defined jaw, clear skin, long eyelashes that hang over his eyes. He stares for a few seconds more pondering this before Regulus actually speaks.

‘Are you looking for something or are you just going to stare all day?’ He remarks in a bored voice, not looking up from his book.

‘Oh,’ James finds himself lost for words, slightly flustered by the boy. ‘I was just- er, I was just looking for a book. Yep, that’s it. Looking for a book,’

‘Well, you’re not looking very hard.’ He replies in that same dull tone.

James can’t help himself from blurting out. ‘What happened between you and Sirius?’

Regulus turns towards him face stony and flatly states. ‘That is none of your business.’ He slams his book shut and slides it onto its shelf before pushing past James. For whatever reason James’s feet follow him.

‘Wait, no. I didn’t mean to be rude or anything, I’m just curious,’

Regulus walks at a surprising pace and James finds himself almost jogging through the library to keep up with him.

‘Why are you following me, Potter?’

James shrugs. ‘Boredom maybe, curiosity mostly,’

Regulus abruptly stops and swivel towards him, faces only inches away from each other, James feels his breath hitch in his chest.

‘Well I suggest you find something else to entertain you, I have things to do.’

James finds himself a little entranced by this boy and his cold demeanour, especially after the events of this morning. What else do you have hiding inside you? he thinks.

‘Nah, I’d rather hang out with you Reggie,’ He nudges their shoulders together.

Regulus looks at him with a face of complete disgust. ‘Reggie, really? That’s the best you could come up with? You’re horrendous,’

James laughs and places his hand on his shoulder, but Regulus firmly pushes him off. He finds himself craving the touch when it’s gone. Regulus looks up at him, face bored and unimpressed, James feels his stomach do a flip. Without thinking, lost in the haze of close proximity with Regulus, James grabs his wrists and begins to drag him away. Regulus immediately protests.

‘Hey! Where are you taking me? Let go!’

‘Hush Reginald, I just wanna show you something,’

‘Reginald!?’ He blurts out, offended.

James cackles and keeps going through the rows of shelves until he finds what he’s looking for. A small nook hidden just right in the corner almost concealed from sight with a large window to look out of and a small table with two chairs. His favourite studying spot, he hasn’t shown anyone this place because it’s where he comes to hide when everything gets too much, but for whatever reason, he was compelled to show Regulus and now he stands there looking expectantly at him, grinning. Regulus looks up at him confused.

‘What? Am I supposed to find this interesting? It’s just a table in the library, I don’t know if you know this Potter what with your incredibly small brain but there are lots of tables in this library.’

‘It’s not just a table,’ James scoffs. ‘It’s the best spot in the library because no one can see in unless they stick their head all the way around this shelf,’ He points to the shelf opposite the wall. ‘It’s the perfect hiding spot,’ Regulus just rolls his eyes.

‘Well I’m sorry but I’m not particularly interested in your special library tables,’ He says and James can see a flush on his pale cheeks. He can also see how his eyes are a cold steel blue, one would probably confuse it with grey but if you look hard enough you can see the light blue highlights. He can see how his lips are plump and perfected poised with a small cupids bow at the top, almost the same as Sirius’s but so vastly different as well. He finds himself staring at his lips for a long time till he realises Regulus is looking at him, confused.

‘Are you okay, Potter?’

James nods his head quickly. ‘I’m good, fine, perfectly fine in fact, hunky dory, nice and dandy!’ He rambles on.

Regulus looks bemused. ‘Okay then, I guess I’ll go.’ He takes off, sliding out of the small nook and disappearing from James’s sight. Weirdly James feels a small ache when he’s gone.

☽

When James finally returns to the table, his friends are gone with only their wrappers left in their wake. He sighs and returns to the dorm by himself. When he opens the door to the dorm it’s dark and Remus’s and Peter’s bed's curtains closed. Sirius is sitting on his bed with an angry look on his face.

‘James, where the bloody hell did you go? I went to go find you and I couldn’t and then I had to go get Moony’s book for him,’

‘I’m sorry! I got… preoccupied,’

‘Preoccupied! With what?’ He whisper-yells.

‘Uh…your brother?’ James awkwardly gives.

‘My brother? Why would my brother distract you?’ Sirius asks, perplexed.

‘I don’t even know,’ James runs a hand over his face before sighing deeply. ‘I’m tired though I’m just gonna go to bed, night.’ before slipping between his bed curtains and under his covers.

Sirius gives him an odd look. ‘Okay Prongs… goodnight then.’

But James can’t sleep, he tosses and turns but all of his thoughts are taken up by flawless curls and mean remarks. He’s thought of everything to try and go to sleep, counting sheep, reciting the alphabet backward but nothing is working. James feels confused, frustrated, and also… hot? He throws off his bed covers to try and cool down. He runs his hands through his hair, making it messy, well messier than usual. This shouldn’t be bothering him so much. It’s just Regulus! Regulus Black for Christ's sake! Sirius’s little brother. Sirius’s gorgeous little brother who is currently camping out in every crevice of James’s mind, making him feel like he doesn’t even know who he is. And James has always been sure he knows just who he is. He is certain he has always been the same person and always will be. Because his entire life, this is who he has been, who people know him as, this is him as a whole. It isn’t until he really meets Regulus Black that he realizes he might not be as whole as he thinks. That some part of him is missing and Regulus is carrying it.