did you look for me?
29
Regulus wakes up to a kiss from James and plate full of breakfast in bed. He feels blearily and groggy, feeling as though the sleep he got wasn’t actually restful. His body aches like he’s coming down withe flu, and there is nothing more that he wants to do other than curl under the covers and go back to sleep.
After his panic attack the night before, James refuses to let Regulus drive to work. Regulus tries to argue it, because James has a shift today too, but the older man doesn't budge. He just kisses Regulus to shut him up and tells him to let someone else take care of you for once, okay?
Reluctantly, Regulus does.
He eats the breakfast James makes for him, and he lets James drive him to work before the older boys’s shift starts.
Regulus feels sick as he walks onto the ward. He tries to concentrate during the handover from the agency night doctor, but all of his focus is pulled to the closed door that he knows is currently inhabiting a monster.
The doctor they called in over night appears to be entirely incompetent, leaving Regulus with hours of work, assessments, diagnosis’ and discharges that should have been done overnight. It’s highly irritating, but also greatly appreciated. The heavy workload means that Regulus is extremely busy, and thankfully none of it, involves any interaction with his father.
When visiting hours begin, Regulus makes himself scarce from the reception desk. He doesn’t want to see his mother walk in, he doesn’t want to feel the drop of his stomach, doesn’t want to risk her approaching him. He can’t even stomach the thought of facing her today.
Of course, there is no rest for the wicked.
Regulus was foolish to think he could avoid a chaotic morning just by hiding in other patients rooms.
Regulus is in with a patient who’s had an MS flare up when his pager buzzes on his scrub pocket, interrupting his thought process. He looks down and it, and see’s Orion’s room number flashing up.
Shit.
Shit!
"Excuse me," Regulus says, already turning around and darting out of the patients room.
He walks quickly, half-jogging, to Orion’s room. He snatches a pair of gloves off the wall just before he bursts through the door.
Within a second of being in the room, Regulus can already spot the tale-tale signs of a stroke or TIA. Orion is sat up on the bed, body slumped and limp. His eyes are open, vision fixed, a nurse is flapping around the side of the bed like a bird trapped inside a cage.
"What’s going on?" Regulus asks, snapping his gloves on.
"I think he’s having another TIA," the nurse replies as Regulus rounds the bed.
"When did this start?"
The young girl shakes her head. "I don’t know specifically. He was fine when I first came in, then he asked for a cup of tea, so I left to get him one, and when I got back, he was like this."
"Okay," Regulus nods. "We’ll put it down to approximately five to 10 minutes onset time." He presses the button for the blood pressure cuff on the monitor before he turns to Orion. "Orion? Orion, can you hear me?"
The older man doesn’t reply, or even twitch. His eyes are glazed, far away, as if he’s asleep with his eyes open. There’s a slight droop to his left cheek and lip, the corner of his mouth slightly turned down.
Regulus grabs both of the older mans hands, and asks, "Orion, can you squeeze my hands please?"
Nothing.
When Regulus gets go of them, they fall limply back onto the bed. Regulus snatches his torch pen out of his pocket, checking Orion’s pupils. They both respond equally and normally, making Regulus hopeful that this is not a hemorrhagic episode.
"Can you book in an emergency MRI scan please? Tell them we’ve got a potential stroke or TIA patient with an onset time of 10 minutes," Regulus asks, watching as the blood pressure cuff numbers begin to appear on the monitor. "And I need 300mg of IV aspirin prepped."
The nurse nods and disappears out of the room.
The next 30 minutes are a whirlwind of activity. Regulus continues assessing Orion robotically. The nurse comes back in to say the MRI will be ready in 20 minutes, and by the time they’ve got Orion down to the room, the droop in his face has gone and he’s responding nonverbally to interactions.
Regulus feels sick at the sight of his father so helpless, so vulnerable, so… empty. A man who he remembered to be huge, scary, violent, is merely a husk on the bed. When Orion’s symptoms begin to resolve on their walk down to the MRI room, Regulus feels shaky with what he see’s. Orion’s eyes become less glazed, and he begins to nod and shake his head in response to people talk to him, but the older man looks so confused and dazed it makes Regulus’ head spin.
This is the man of his nightmares. The same man who broke his bones as a child and bruised him black and blue, but in this moment; he’s as weak as a new born baby.
Regulus stays during the MRI, watching the screen as the scans develop and begin to come through. Due to the fast onset of Orion’s symptoms, Regulus needs to stay with him during his scan so he can plan his action of treatment as soon as the type of stroke is diagnosed. While Regulus is almost sure that Orion has suffered another TIA, due to his recovering symptoms before the scan even started, he can’t risk overlooking the possible treatment that will be needed if the clot is still causing damage in Orion’s brain.
As he expected, Orion’s MRI scan comes up clear. The TIA has left no damage to the blood vessels or areas of his brain, and by the time he’s wheeled out, he looks to have completely recovered. He’s tired, his body drained from the ordeal, but all the stroke symptoms have resolved themselves.
The porters take Orion back up to his room, and Regulus follows a few minutes later with the copies of his scan and a shit ton of paperwork to update.
He drops down in the desk chair heavily back on neuro ward, and he’s half way through writing Orion’s TIA timeline and findings when the same nurse that discovered Orion comes walking up to him.
"How’s Mr Black doing?" She asks.
"Fine. I’m diagnosing as another TIA, and as far as I’m aware, his symptoms have resolved," Regulus explains. "He’s back on 30 minute observation checks until tonight, and I’ll check in on him in a few hours for another assessment."
"Okay."
"Has his wife come in today?" Regulus asks.
She shakes her head. "No, not yet."
"Okay," Regulus sighs.
Bollocks. That means Regulus needs to phone her to update her on Orion’s episode.
Now the actual emergency is finished, the whole ordeal has exhausted Regulus far more than it ever has. Strokes and TIA’s are his bread and butter. He’s dealt with more than he can count, and he’s also dealt with far, far worse conditions. Normally, patients having strokes or TIA’s on the ward barely make Regulus twitch. It’s the normal, the expected on a neurological ward.
But this one?
Seeing his father have one?
The adrenaline crash has made him feel weary.
The moment he saw the call on his pager, his brain completely disassociated who he was dealing with. It was a stroke patient, and assessments and time and treatment was his only focus. When it’s all over, all his brain can think about is how it was his father who this has happened to.
And now, the last thing he wants to do is discuss it over the phone with his mother. Just the thought of is bringing on a headache.
Yet, Regulus does it, because it’s his bloody job.
Why did I become a vet or something?Or a teacher? He thinks. That way he would have never crossed paths with his parents again.
Regulus is not surprised, but also immensely relieved when the call to his mother goes straight to voicemail. He leaves a message explaining briefly that Orion has had a TIA episode again, that he is currently recovering, and asking her to call back when she can so Regulus can let her know any further updates.
Orion sleeps for most of the shift. Regulus wakes him up for another neurology assessment, but then he dozes off for the rest of the afternoon. Walburga doesn’t phone back, nor does she answer any of Regulus’ further calls or voicemails updating her on Orion’s condition.
Regulus ends up finishing late because the night doctor from the agency is late, and by the time he’s walking out of the ward, he’s tired, pissed off, and all he wants to do is have a shower, some food, and a cuddle with his boyfriend.
And a little bit of self-wallowing.
He’s sure he can fit it all in before bedtime.
James picks him up from the hospital, and fortunately Regulus’ shift overrunning worked out perfectly with James’ finish time. When Regulus see’s James parked outside, his uniform slightly rumpled from 12 hours of work and dark hair deliciously messy, Regulus feels heat pool in the base of his abdomen.
They go to James’ flat to get his another change of uniform for tomorrow, and when he parks the car outside, he says, "Do you want to stay in the car? I think Sirius is here."
"No, it’s fine," Regulus decides. "I’ll come up. I should…" he sighs, "I should probably see how he’s doing."
James smiles. "That’d be nice, sweetheart."
"How is he doing?"
The older boy shrugs. "Alright, I think. I don’t think he really knows how to feel."
Regulus can’t believe it’s only been three days since he was here last, when Sirius woke him up in the morning because he was worried about Remus’ headache. It feels like it was weeks ago, but it’s been days. The three days his parents have been at the hospital have felt like a lifetime.
Sirius is in the kitchen when they walk in, drying and putting away clean dishes.
"Hey," his brother says, flashing him a crooked and slightly awkward smile. "How're you doing?"
"Fine," Regulus nods. It's a lie, but Regulus is not about to admit to Sirius that he's a mess just from dealing with their parents for three days. "You?"
Sirius shrugs.
James chatters for a few minutes about how his day went with Sirius before he excuses himself to have a quick shower and grab his clothes for the next day.
A few minutes after he’s gone, it’s silent and awkward between the two Black brothers. Regulus is sure they’re both trying to avoid the elephant in the room, but without James or Remus there to be their buffer, there’s nothing to say apart from to discuss that.
Eventually, it’s Sirius who cracks first.
"They still there?" He asks.
Regulus nods mutedly in reply.
"Fucking hell," Sirius curses under his breath, practically throwing the saucepan into the cupboard and slamming the door shut.
"He's not due to be discharged until the end of the week," Regulus explains. "But he had another TIA today. So I won’t be surprised if he’s kept in for longer."
Sirius’ expression blanches momentarily. Regulus isn’t sure if it’s the worry and emotions have hit him that his father had another TIA, or it’s the realisation that the sicker Orion gets, the longer their parents are going to stick around for.
His brother sighs, tossing the damp tea towel on the side. He presses his palms flat against the surface of the kitchen island, shoulders slumping.
His brother looks tired, his eyes bloodshot and underneath bruised with purple half moons. His skin pale, his lips colourless and look like they’re been worried and chewed on repeatedly. His hair is slightly greasy, and unruly in a way from not being brushed and running his hands through it too much. His pyjamas are crumpled, as if he hasn’t changed them for days.
Sirius looks an absolute mess, and while Regulus is sure he doesn’t look the epitome of good health right now either, his brother has clearly been on a downward spiral since he heard the news.
"I can't believe you're treating him," he mutters, voice low.
"I don't have much of an option, Sirius," Regulus sighs, rubbing his temple where the headache that has been forming all day is beginning to develop and pound. "I’m a doctor, he's a patient. I can't exactly refuse."
"That's exactly what you should do," Sirius grumbles, shaking his head. He looks up, expression angry. "You should let the fucker rot."
Regulus scoffs. It's not that he disagrees with Sirius, he actually wishes he could let Orion rot, but he can't.
Not unless he wants to lose his job, his doctors license, and probably go to prison.
"It is what it is," he shrugs, because what else is he supposed to say or do? He doesn’t have a choice in this. It’s either do his job, or lose his livelihood, and he will be damned if he allows his parents to take something else away from him.
"Yeah, I'm sure they thought that too every time they abused us as kids!" Sirius hisses through gritted teeth.
"I don't know why you're getting so angry. You’re not the one having to deal with them."
"Knowing they're here makes me angry! Knowing they're in this city makes me feel on fucking edge, Regulus! And knowing they're seeing you everyday makes me feel fucking crazy!" Sirius shouts, and his words make Regulus' back snap straight.
"Why?" He glares coldly. "Scared they're going to do what they failed at when I was 16? Scared they're going to covert me into their little soldier?"
"No!" Sirius cries. "I'm scared of the damage they'll do to your wellbeing! They don't deserve being looked after, especially by you and Effie!"
"What should I do then?" Regulus chuckles, throwing his hands up in exasperation. "Go on, Sirius! What do you propose I should do!? Kick them out? I can't kick patients out of hospital without good reason!"
"They abused us!"
"Years ago!" Regulus shouts back. "That's in the past, Sirius! To get them kicked out, they have to do something now! I can't kick them out because of an incident that happened before I was 18!"
"That's not fair,"
"Welcome to adulthood!" Regulus hisses. "Life isn't fucking fair! I thought you realised that with what we fucking grew up with!"
"What's going on?" James asks as he comes walking out of his bedroom. Now dressed in a pair of sweats and a hoodie, his damp hair curling onto his forehead and around his ears.
He looks confused between Regulus and Sirius, eyes flicking between each of them, like he's trying to figure out what they possibly could be arguing about now.
"Regulus is treating Orion," Sirius says, and Regulus rolls his eyes and both the obvious statement and the petulant tone of his older brother. "And he doesn't understand how wrong it is!"
"And you don't understand what's at stake if I don't!" Regulus hisses. "They're not worth the hassle, Sirius."
"Your pride isn't the worth the hassle?" Sirius asks, and ouch. "What about the justice, Reg? What about your fucking morals?"
"It's a hospital!?" Regulus yells. "What am I meant to do about justice when I'm his doctor and it's my duty to give him the best care I can?"
"Guys, come on," James sighs, walking over to them placatingly. "You can't argue about this. It's not fair to—"
"You fucking said it yourself!" Sirius screams, pointing at James. "You literally fucking agreed that Regulus shouldn’t treat him! That the bastard doesn’t deserve to be helped and that the hospital should throw him out!"
"Yes, but—"
Regulus flinches back like he's been struck.
"You're siding with him?" He asks, voice breathless. He looks at James, his chest aching with betrayal. "Are you kidding me right now?"
James is a bloody paramedic. How does he not understand the position Regulus is in right now?
"I'm not taking sides, Reg," James denies. "There aren't any sides to take—"
"Yes there is!" Regulus growls. "My side! You're supposed to be on my side!"
For once, I need someone to be on my side.
"Do you have idea what I have to lose if I don’t treat him like everyone else?" Regulus asks, voice cracking. "You, of all people, would be the one I thought who would understand!"
"I know that!" James yelps. "I’m not taking sides, baby. I just..."
"What?" Regulus hisses.
He’s vibrating with so much anger right now he’s surprised he hasn’t started forming a hole in the floor.
James sighs, opening his mouth and closing it a few times without making a sound.
"I… I can see where Sirius is coming from—"
"It doesn't matter where Sirius is coming from right now, the point is I can't not treat him!" Regulus shouts.
"He's a fucking bastard, Reg!" Sirius yells.
"He is my patient!"
"He's an abusive cunt!"
"I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE!"
His brother and James jolt in surprise at the volume of Regulus' glass shattering scream, their eyes widening in unison. Regulus feels breathless, so overwhelmed with the sudden explosion of anger and frustration inside him. It's as if all the emotion he's been drowning in for days, for years, have finally been unleashed and all came out in that single shriek.
For years before Regulus came back to London, he didn't have a choice. Everything in his life was chosen and directed for him. He didn't have a choice in his family, in his path, in his school or his friends. Everything was so controlled, so inescapable.
It changed when he turned 18 and came here. He was finally able to do what he wanted to do, and do it how he wanted.
Orion and Walburga have been back in his life for three days and he feels like everything is out of his control again. He feels like someone has cut the breaks in the car, has snatched the steering wheel and thrown him off course.
Everything he's been able to choose for himself for the past five years feels like it's been ripped away from him. His control, his power, even in the environment where he's the one who's supposed to be in charge, he feels so small and helpless.
"I don't get to pick and choose who gets care, Sirius," Regulus says hoarsely. "No matter what they've done to me in the past."
Sirius closes his eyes tightly, looking as pained as Regulus feels.
Regulus knows Sirius is probably feeling the same as him, the same overwhelming, crushing sense of everything spinning out of control.
Regulus knows Sirius is hurting just as much as him right now, but he can't be blamed for protecting everything he's worked for.
"He doesn't deserve it, Reg," Sirius says, and he sounds like he's begging, but Regulus doesn't care.
"This isn't up for debate," Regulus snaps, shaking his head. He looks at Sirius and James, and his stomach flips when he realises that he’s outnumbered. He can’t do this. He can’t do this! "I’m going home."
James’ eyes widen in surprise, and he jolts to grab the bag he dumped on the sofa. "Wait, Reg. I'll just grab—"
"No," Regulus interrupts, shaking his head. "N-no, I... I want to be alone."
James' face falls instantly. "Reg—"
"Stay here tonight, James," Regulus says, voice lifeless. He looks the older boy in the eye, aware his own gaze is probably sharp to cut glass.
James blinks, breath hitching as Regulus snatches his bag off the floor and storms to the door.
"Reg," James starts. "Please, just—"
Regulus cuts him off by slamming the front door behind him.
He doesn't care if he's being dramatic right now.
He's had a long fucking week, and he is the one who has to treat Orion.
Sure, he wants more than nothing to ditch his oath as a doctor and kick his father and mother out without a speckle of treatment or consideration. But he can't.
He can't, and being told by Sirius that he should is not helpful.
Worse, being looked at like he's a traitor for doing his job is making him feel sick to his stomach.
He can't look at any of them.
He can't stand the sight of them tonight.
He just... he needs to be alone.
For the first time in his life, Regulus wants to be alone.
***
Regulus is aware he might have overreacted with Sirius, and especially with James. The argument was stupid, and got almost embarrassingly out of hand. He definitely didn’t need to shut James out like he betrayed him, but Regulus was, and is, tired.
Too tired to be feeling like he was being blamed for doing his job.
He knows that he shouldn’t have to treat Orion, that he should tell the older man to get the fuck out and wish another stroke on him, but Regulus can’t. He can’t do that, and being told he should, just makes him more annoyed that he can’t. It makes him annoyed at his own bad luck that he is the one who has to treat Orion and face him and put up with his mother.
He’s more angry that Sirius made him feel like he was being weak and spineless for doing his job. He felt like Sirius was calling him a coward for not standing up for himself, but there is a time and place, and Regulus just can’t do it at work.
His parents took everything from him. From the moment he was born, they made him feel unloved and unworthy. They beat him down into a shell of a person, stripped him of his fight, his drive, his ambition. They ingrained so much fear into him, so much pain.
His move to London was the scariest time of his life, but the most courageous. A year of planning, a year of psyching himself for, and a year of losing even more of himself to be able to get there, to trick them to let him go.
Regulus has made a life for himself. He’s got a career, a successful profession, a flat and a car and a stable life. He can not allow his parents to take it away from him. He can not allow his parents to ruin this, to crush what he has worked so hard to build for himself.
Looking after Orion is killing him slowly, but risking his job and his career will kill him faster.
Sirius doesn’t seem to understand that. It’s not black and white, or tit for tat. Regulus either treats Orion and gets their parents to leave, or he refuses and loses everything again.
Regulus has lost everything once. He can’t do it again.
He won’t.
Sirius can fuck off he thinks that Regulus is going to put his pride and his vengeance above his livelihood.
The next day at the hospital is just as bad as the first three.
Walburga makes an appearance again, and both of them are extremely unhappy when Regulus tells them during their consultation that they’re planning on keeping Orion admitted for likely another week due to his third TIA.
Regulus feels like he gets through his third day shift on autopilot. Interactions with his parents seem to go over his head, his body and mind seemingly moving through a fog. By the time he gets home after his shift, he feels so completely and entirely numb.
He feels almost robotic as he showers, feeds Sylvester, and does some small attempts at housework. He has to stay up all night and sleep during the day tomorrow in preparation for his nightshift, and honestly, it couldn’t have come at a worse time.
Regulus doesn’t want to stay up all night. He wants to sleep, because when he’s asleep, he doesn’t think.
His brain seems to be torturing him just as much as his parents at the moment. The words they say seem to play in his head like a broken, distorted record along with all the things he already remembers. The vicious things they’ve said, the accusations they’ve made to make him feel about two foot tall this week, combined with the same things they used against him when he lived with them.
Everyone says he’s strong for surviving them. Everyone says his escape wasn’t weakness, but justified. Everyone says what he perceives as weakness, is actually his greatest strength.
Regulus isn’t so sure.
He spent years feeding into their ideals. He spent years moulding himself into what they wanted to avoid punishment, because he wasn’t strong enough like Sirius to stand up for what was right and face their anger. It was easier to do what they wanted, than to stand up to them. That doesn’t make him strong, that makes him weak.
And that’s exactly what his mother and father keep reminding him.
Regulus closes his eyes tightly. He feels sick to his stomach, heart heavy.
Fuck, he thinks.
He fucking hates them.
Yet, if he hates them so much, why does he still feel like he waiting for their apology? For their acknowledgment? For their love?
Sylvester climbing on him jolts him out of his thoughts. The cat curls up on his chest where Regulus is reclining across the sofa, the weight on his already heavy feeling chest actually welcomed. He runs his fingers through Sylvester’s ebony black fur, and the cat purrs softly.
He opens his phone to read the text messages from James and Sirius that he has been ignoring all day.
He opens James' text first, as it's just a single one, but his eyes widen at the length of it.
James (07:34) hey, baby. i know you’re angry right now, and i know you’ve been hurting so much this week, but i need you to know i wasn’t taking sides with sirius. me and sirius have spoken a lot this week, and he’s been an absolute wreck knowing your parents are back in town. them being here has brought up a lot of shit for him, as i know it has for you too. his anger and his hurt, and honesty, his lack of experience as a health care provider, has blinded him into understanding the position you are in. the easiest, simplest outcome for sirius right now is that orion doesn’t deserve treatment, and i agree with him - but that doesn’t mean i disagree with you doing your job.
i don’t blame you, or even have any feelings towards you treating orion other than sympathy and pain for YOU that you have been put in this position. i hate that you have to treat the same person that hurt you so much, and that you have to deal with your mother, but it’s not something that is being held against you.
i know sirius came off an angry at YOU, but i promise he was angry FOR you too. he’s angry that after all your parents have done, they’re still receiving top quality care, and i do understand his frustration with it.
the argument between you two got entirely out of hand, but neither of you can be blamed for lashing out. this is such a hard time for both of you, and you have been put between a rock in a hard place.
no one is angry at you for doing your job, reg. we’re angry at the fact that you’re in a position that is forcing you to care and treat your abuser.
i know you need space right now, but i hate that you’re alone during all of this. please, let me know you’re okay. even if you’re still angry and don’t want to talk or see me, please just let me know you’re alright.
i love you xx
James' text makes Regulus ache with guilt and regret about how he reacted to James in the heat of the moment. So consumed by his own anger, his own pain and frustration, and he didn't hesitate to lash out at the one person who, if he'd given him a chance, would have actually made sense of the situation.
Regulus wasn't fully to blame, and he still feels like Sirius unleashed an unfair accusation that Regulus was in the wrong for doing his job. But, he also knows that he wasn't fully innocent last night.
He just hates that, once again, him and Sirius have put James in the middle.
Regulus knows he can't have James without Sirius, and he knew this back when he decided to give their relationship a chance again. Regulus has accepted that he's going to have Sirius in his life again, and that if they were both going to keep James in their lives, then they would have to work on their relationship.
Remus being sick was both the best and the worst thing that could have happened in terms of their mending relationship. Regulus saw a different and vulnerable side of Sirius, and Sirius saw the real Regulus, and not the version of his younger brother that he fabricated in his head for years. Things have been strangely better between them, in its own complex way.
But yesterday, Sirius threw all of their progress away.
It was easier for Sirius to blame Regulus than it was to accept the fact that Orion is being looked after by his brother and his surrogate mother.
Regulus (00:07) i shouldn’t have walked out on you. i was angry and upset, but i shouldn’t have taken it out on you, and i’m sorry. i’m so sorry for putting you in the middle of me and sirius again.
It’s not enough. Regulus knows his text isn’t enough to give to James, but he’s exhausted and his head hurts and he… just wants all of this to go away.
He wants his parents to go away.
He wants this fight to go away.
He wants to world to leave him alone for five minutes.
He doesn’t want to fight anymore. He doesn’t want to be scared anymore. He doesn’t want to constantly feel like he’s still trying to prove his worth, to Sirius, to his parents, to himself.
He just wants to be enough.
Why can’t he ever be enough?
Even when he does the right thing, when he does his job and does it well, it has backlash. He’s betraying Sirius by caring for their abusers, but he’d be betraying his oath if he didn’t.
Next, he reads the multitude of texts he received from Sirius that morning too.
Sirius (09:11) reg, i’m so sorry. i didn’t want to fight with you last night, and i know i fucked up (again). i’m not coping with all of this very well, and i don’t know how to deal with knowing they’re back here. i never meant to make you feel like YOU were in the wrong for doing your job, because you’re not. you’re so much braver than i am, and a far better person because i would never, ever be able to do what you’re doing. i can’t even be in the same city as them without flipping out, so you being able to see them and talk to them and look after orion is a testament to how fucking strong you are.
i do understand that you’re doing your job. i do understand if you don’t do it, then you lose everything you have worked so hard for and are so good at. i lashed out last night, but not because of what you’re doing, because i’m frustrated that you’ve been put in this position.
i shouldn’t have taken my anger out on you. i shouldn’t have made it seem like you doing your job was your fault.
Sirius (09:17) i’m just scared, reg. them being back scares me because of the damage they might do. i don’t want them to hurt you again, and when you’re at work, i can’t protect you. i failed being your brother years ago, and i feel like i’m failing all over again because there is nothing i can do to protect you from them right now. i feel like i’ve abandoned you all over again, and it’s fucking killing me
Sirius (09:28) i can’t put into words how fucking proud of you i am. i know it didn’t seem it after my reaction last night, but i really am. you’re incredible at your job, and i saw that with what you did for remus, and for me and his mum. the person you’ve become makes me feel so fucking proud because even after i was the worst brother alive, you grew up into the person i could have only wished i could be myself. you’re so much stronger than me, and you’ve proved that more than once.
Sirius (09:37) my anger last night at you was misdirected and wrong. i’m sorry, so SO sorry. you didn’t deserve that, and i am so angry at myself that i’ve once again made you feel like you’re in the wrong for doing what you need to do. i did it to you once when we were kids, and i will never forgive myself for it. but i’m doing abandoning you again - i’m your brother, as much as i’m sure you wish I wasn’t, and i’m not going to let you deal with this alone. i’m here for you, reggie. and if you feel like you are able to forgive me again (i won’t blame you if you don’t) i’m here if you need to talk.
Regulus’ hands are shaking by the time he’s finished reading all of the texts. The words on his screen blur as his eyes fill with tears. He sniffs, feeling his bottom lip wobble.
He kind of hates the way Sirius’ texts have knocked the wind out of him. He also hates the fact that everything Sirius has said, he wishes his brother had been able to say to his face.
He doesn’t reply to Sirius. He needs more time; more time to process what’s happened, what’s been said, and what Sirius has now told him. He needs time to get over what was said compared to what he’s read tonight.
He needs time to believe what was said in the texts.
Selfishly, he can’t quite believe that it is Sirius who wrote those texts. Mostly because despite how much Sirius has expressed his regrets and his anger at himself for what happened when they were teenagers, there is still a part of Regulus that worries his brother doesn’t like who he has grown into. He feels as if Sirius can’t see past the person Rasalas was, or came across as. Sirius spent a long time hating Regulus, and who he believed him to be. Sometimes Regulus worries that Sirius hasn’t quite separated the brother in his head compared to the brother he has.
The texts put that worry to bed.
Sirius was just lashing out. His anger, while directed at Regulus, wasn’t about Regulus. His anger was for himself, for his little brother. His anger was for the two boys who grew up in an abusive home, who were torn apart, and are now crumbling once again.
Sirius may have escaped when he was 16, but no amount of coping or accepting or avoidance could have prepared him for this. Regulus sympathises with that, because he wasn’t prepared either. He still doesn’t feel prepared. Somehow, it’s easier to deal wit Orion and Walburga on the ward because while Regulus has to interact with them, there is an important topic of conversation: Orion’s health. Regulus’ requirement to be professional has almost delayed his breakdowns and panic because he can’t do it on the ward. It has stopped him from fighting back, but in turn, that has stopped him from breaking down.
Regulus has a role to play other than the scared, angry and abused child.
Sirius doesn’t have that. All Sirius has is the knowledge his parents are back and the lack of distraction to keep him busy.
Regulus doesn’t have time to spiral on shift, but Sirius has all the time in the day to spiral.
Still, Regulus would happily switch places with his brother.
Regulus stays up all night watching the Jaws trilogy. The sun rises, igniting the room with bright light. Regulus’ eyes are itchy and sore with every blink, tired from lack of sleep. He gets up to give Sylvester his breakfast, and is just getting ready to have his 'nights' sleep when his phone buzzes on the nightstand.
James (08:44) good morning xx please don’t apologise, you’re allowed to act and react however you want right now.
Regulus is not surprised that James’ reply is so sweet and accepting. Regulus is pretty sure he could have told James to go fuck himself, and the older boy would have said he’s 'allowed to act’ however he wants.
He totally can not, Regulus knows that.
Still, it’s nice to be told that he can be a bit on the touchy side without facing the full repercussions.
Another texts buzzes through.
James (08:48) i heard that sirius texted you. i didn’t realise how much i had misjudged him when it came to actually understanding the position you’re in. he was still a massive jackass, and he definitely needs a bit more grilling before he’s forgiven, but he does genuinely feel awful.
Regulus sighs; peacekeeper James at it again. However, this time, it’s not needed. Regulus knows Sirius feels awful, and he knows he does understand the position Regulus is in. He also knows Sirius was a massive jackass, so Regulus is going to do as James suggests; give him a bit more grilling.
Regulus (08:55) he should feel awful, but i do too. i’ll text him later about it.
James (08:56) you’re on a nightshift tonight, right?
Regulus (08:56) unfortunately
James (08:57) want to meet up tomorrow and sleep? you can sleep off your nightshift and i can sleep in prep for mine
Regulus (08:58) you just want to cuddle, don’t you?
James (08:59) i always sleep better when i cuddle with you
Me too, Regulus thinks.
Regulus (08:59) i’ll text you when i leave the hospital
His fingers hover over the touchscreen keypad for a moment.
Regulus (09:00) i love you
James (09:00) i love you more, baby xx
Regulus doesn’t sleep.
He manages a 40 minute nap in the afternoon, but he wakes up with a gasp and his father’s roaring shout in his ears. He feels exhausted and strung out by the time he has to get ready to leave for work. The lack of sleep, food, and mental turmoil is making him feel bone-weary and fragile.
One more shift, he tells himself as he walks onto the ward that evening.
One more shift, and then four days off.
Plus, the perks of nightshifts; no visitors.
Regulus won’t have to see Walburga until tomorrow morning and with any luck, the bitch won’t come in early.
***
Regulus feels like he should have learnt by now that he doesn’t have 'any luck'.
It's at the end of his night shift where it all goes to shit.
Regulus has run himself into the ground all week. Between his parents being back and the emotional toll it's taken, his fight with Sirius, his subsequent fight with James, and completing five shifts in a row, Regulus feels like death has warmed over by the end of his night shift. His bones feel brittle, his mind feels completely sluggish, and his body feels like it's five steps aware from falling apart.
The actual shift was thankfully peaceful. Walburga isn't present due to visiting hours being withdrawn overnight unless someone is on deaths door, and Orion slept along with the other patients. It was quiet on the emotional battering front, but Regulus is feeling the reaps of his sews by the time he's giving handover to Euphemia.
He's running late too, so visiting hours have started and alongside the 14 and a half hour shift he's just done, Regulus is not prepared to end his shift with the sight of his mother.
Only, it does just like that.
Euphemia is sat by the reception desk when he finally finishes. Regulus has seen her pottering around while she's been waiting for him, his handover over two hours delayed.
When he sits down beside her, she smiles at him.
"Morning, love," Euphemia says, her face strained as her eyes trail over Regulus’ likely de-shelved and messy form. "Rough night?"
"Rough week," Regulus rasps.
Euphemia’s face falls. "Oh, Reg. I tried to speak to the boards to get him moved to another hospital, I even tried to use your relation as a conflict of interest, but they said that his neurological disposition lead to him needing to stay here."
"You did?" Regulus murmurs.
"Of course I did!" She says. "I can’t stand the fact that they are here."
Regulus swallows thickly. He's not sure how to feel about Euphemia not even being here and still trying to get their parents kicked off the ward. She wouldn't have done that for Sirius, because Sirius isn't here.
She did that for him.
"Well, thank you," he says hoarsely. "I appreciate you trying."
"It's the least I could do, sweetheart," Euphemia smiles sadly. "Here," she says, handing over a steaming cup of tea. "Figured you’d want a drink, but I didn’t want you to have anymore coffee."
Regulus takes the mug with an appreciative hum, taking a sip.
"I'm sorry I couldn't come in this week," Euphemia says.
Regulus shakes his head. "No, don't apologise. It was my choice," he sighs heavily with exhaustion and exasperation. "This is my work place, I couldn't run away and force someone else to... deal with them."
"Like you, Regulus, this is my work place," she says gently. "If you felt like you couldn’t, or didn’t want to do it, I would have wanted to step in and help you."
Regulus flashes her smile, "I managed."
Barely, he scoffs mentally.
'Managed’ is a bit of a generous term, but it seems to ease Euphemia a little bit.
"I must admit I am not looking forward to today," Euphemia sighs.
Regulus flashes her a grin. "Scared?"
"Of them?" She scoffs, shaking her head. "I’m more scared of Monty discovering the Christmas sweet stash than I am your parents. What does worry me, is my own ability to control myself when I see them."
"Really?"
Euphemia nods. "I’ve been reciting my oath repeatedly in my head since I found out they were hear. I’m honestly wondering if it’s worth checking my pension to see if I can financially survive when my reaction to them potentially loses my doctors pin."
Regulus chuckles, mostly out of amusement because while he knew Euphemia was a defensive mamma bear, he didn’t quite expect her to come in with such an aggressive attitude towards the elder Blacks.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Of course, love."
"Why did you never go to the police?" Regulus asks, voice thick. He’s been wanting to ask this since he found out that Euphemia and Monty took Sirius in when he was 16. "Sirius has clearly told you what they were like, what they did. So… why didn’t you do anything?"
Euphemia’s face falls, the soft smile slipping into a look defeat. She ducks her head and sighs heavily, not reply for a moment. When she looks back up, she looks like she’s been punched in the gut.
"I did," she murmurs eventually.
Regulus’ heart skips a beat.
"What?" Regulus asks dumbly.
"I did, Regulus," she repeats softly, looking pained. "When Sirius moved in with us, when he told us what had happened, I filed a report to get them charged and convicted for child abuse. It never reached anything more than a flimsy report on someone’s desk. When I tried to chase up why nothing had been done, I was told that the case was closed."
Regulus shakes his head. "No one ever checked."
"I assume that your parents squished the report and my concerns before they could actually be investigated," Euphemia says mournfully. Her eyes suddenly shine with tears, and her face crumbles. "I… I am so sorry that I didn’t try harder. I haven’t forgiven myself for it, Regulus. If I had known you were still there, if I had known there was another child at that house with them, I would have never given up. I swear."
"I know," Regulus whispers, nodding. He doesn’t imagine Euphemia would have stopped fighting the Black’s if she’d known that Regulus was there. She’s a mother, a good person, through and through, and he can only imagine how hard she would have tried to bring the Black’s to justice if she’d known that their abuse hadn’t ended with Sirius."
"I was so angry with your brother when I realised you existed," she laughs wetly. "When you came to London, to this hospital and I put the dots together, I was so, so angry. At him, and at myself."
"You couldn’t have known," he tries, but she shakes her head vehemently.
"It doesn’t matter," she argues. "I shouldn’t have allowed them to silence me and Monty so easily. I should have fought for Sirius, and for you. I should have kept trying to do the right thing."
"You did," he promises. "They wouldn’t have let you win, Euphemia. They would have taken everything from you and still came out on top. They would have taken your job, your home. You protected your family, you protected Sirius, by letting it go."
"But who protected you?"
Me, Regulus thinks.
I protected me.
That’s why I was alone for so long.
That’s why I have so many barriers around myself.
"It doesn’t matter now. It’s over, I don’t need protecting anymore."
"It matters to me," Euphemia says. "I will never forgive myself."
"Well, I forgive you."
"Thank you," she smiles, wiping her eyes. "Oh, what kind of a mess am I?" She laughs, shaking her head at herself.
"It’s kind of refreshing," Regulus shrugs. "You know, to see you not completely composed."
"Oh, shut up," she grins. "Are you seeing James today?"
"Yeah," Regulus nods. "He's picking me up. Did he... uh, did he tell you about...?"
"Your argument? And your fight with Sirius?" She asks, and when he nods, she smiles sympathetically. "He did. He... he wanted advice, on how to fix it."
Regulus winces. He hates how James is always put in a position where he feels like he has to 'fix' things. Especially when the majority of the time, the thing he has to 'fix' is him being in the middle of a fight between him and Sirius.
"For what it's worth, I think you had every right to react the way you did," Euphemia says.
Regulus’ eyebrows raise in surprise. "You do?"
"Sirius can't be blamed for his feelings, but it wasn't fair to you that he didn't see it from your position. It's hard, for those who aren't in our shoes, to understand that no matter the personal feelings, we have to do our jobs. Sirius doesn't understand the position you are in, and his own feelings didn't allow him to see your point of view," Euphemia says, sighing. "Sirius hasn't seen them. He's spent all of this week at home, wondering what they're like now and his mind has run away with him, bringing up memories he's learned to cope with and most likely blocked out since he was 16. He's always been a bit of an explosive lad, as I'm sure you know. He's always been react first and talk later."
Sometimes it gives Regulus whiplash how Euphemia can go from so angry at someone for one thing and then so mature and perceptive in another situation.
Euphemia just practically spat out her anger at Sirius for not telling them about Regulus living at Grimmuald when he moved in with them because it lead Euphemia to give up fighting the Black’s for justice, but now, her opinion of this current argument is so unbiased that she can practically justify both of Regulus and Sirius’ anger at one another.
"I'm not trying to defend him in a way to make you seem like the bad guy, sweetheart," she quickly adds. "I know you have probably understood his point of view, and my point is that he failed to see yours."
Regulus scoffs bitterly.
"Story of my life."
"I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that James feels awful," "I will defend my son to the end of the Earth, but I've also never been shy of telling him when he's in the wrong. He understands why you've had to do what you've done this week, he understands the role of our jobs, because of his own. I think he just wishes that you didn't have to do it, for you."
"I know," Regulus nods.
He does; James has told him so.
"Shall we do the handover?" Euphemia asks. "You look exhausted, love, and very pale. Let’s get this done so you can go home and sleep."
Regulus nods, swiping the sheet off the desk with a shaky hand.
It’s just coming uptown to half past nine when Regulus is finishing up with the handover. He’s just preparing to stand up to go home when he see’s his mother making a beeline for the reception desk.
"Where is your father?" She asks.
"Orion is downstairs having an MRI," Regulus explains. "It’s just routine, and has been booked since yesterday afternoon."
"No one informed me of this."
Of course they didn’t, Regulus thinks. Because if they had, then this woman would have had no reason to come and speak to him.
He was so close with getting out.
"I apologise," Regulus murmurs. "I assumed the doctor on shift yesterday would have told you."
"Well, they didn’t," Walburga snaps. "They were entirely incompetent!"
"In their defence, they were not a member of our staff. They were from an agency, and did everyone a huge favour by coming in, but it does put them at a disadvantage as this is not their usual workplace."
"Is there another incompetent agency faux today?"
Regulus internally sighs.
"No, Mrs Black, Euphemia chimes in. "I will be the doctor on shift today."
His mother’s sharp eyes cut to Euphemia. Her eyes track over Euphemia’s appearance and features, and Regulus’ stomach cramps with fear.
Like Dorcas, Euphemia is a woman of colour. Regulus thinks he’ll throw up there and then if his mother lashes out some racist remark.
"And you are?" She asks, stiffly.
Regulus bristles angrily at the entitlement of his mother. As far as he is aware, Euphemia has not met, encountered, or even spoken to his mother. Not that he expected it to go well, he hates that as far as first impressions go, his mother is appearing every inch the horrible woman she has been told to be.
"Doctor Potter," Euphemia replies pleasantly, unfazed by Walburga’s dismissive drawl. "I am the chief neurology doctor on this ward."
Walburga’s face pinches with a sense of suspicion, and just as subtle as it appears, it morphs into realisation.
"Potter?" She echoes.
"Yes," Euphemia nods. "You must be Orion’s wife."
Regulus’ eyes are ping-ponging between the two women. Both mothers, both ferociously headstrong women, both angry, one protective and one defensive.
The tension surrounding the reception table is thick and consuming.
"Yes, I am," Walburga replies slowly. "Euphemia, correct?"
"Doctor Potter is fine."
For two woman who have never met one another, his mother knows a suspicious amount about Euphemia.
Then, Regulus realises why.
"You’re the woman who tried to report me and my husband to the police."
Regulus’ heart simply drops to the floor.
If Euphemia is concerned that Walburga not only recognises the name, but remembers the name of the person who reported her over eight years ago, then she doesn’t show it. The woman’s face stays friendly and unfazed, completely relaxed as if she’s talking about the weather.
"I recall reporting an abusive mother and father to the police when their oldest son came to me looking for safety and refuge," Euphemia replies, nodding.
"Do anything like what you feebly attempted to do eight years ago, and we will make your life very, very difficult, Potter," his mother snarls. "I can have your job, your home, and your family taken away from you in a blink if you test my patience again."
"Mother!" Regulus cries in horror, stomach cramping at the way his mother is threatening Euphemia.
How dare she threaten the woman who protected her first born? The one who took him in when he had no where to go?
"Regulus, it’s alright," Euphemia says, and the moment the words come out of her mouth, his own mother’s head snaps towards him.
"Regulus?" She spits. "Why is this woman calling you that?"
"It’s my name."
"Your name is Rasalas."
"Not anymore," Regulus replies, pleased that his voice isn’t shaky. "I changed it to 'Regulus' after I moved to London."
His mother’s eyes narrow in suspicion. "Why did you do that?"
"To separate myself from the person I was," Regulus answers. "And to make it harder for you to find me."
"Find you? Why would you want us to be unable to find you?"
Regulus rolls his eyes.
"Do not roll your eyes at me!" his mother seethes.
"I ran away for a reason," Regulus snaps sharply. "Do not pretend you are unaware of the things you two did to push me to do that."
Walburga scoffs. "We did nothing wrong, Rasalas."
"That is not my name!"
The worst thing is, Regulus knows his mother believes what she is saying. In her eyes, neither her or Orion did anything wrong to him or Sirius while they were growing up.
To them, it wasn’t abuse, it was appropriate punishment. It wasn’t cruel, it was fair. It was damaging, it was learning. They don’t regret their actions, because they don’t see a problem in it.
It occurs to Regulus then, if they didn’t know he changed his name, does that mean they didn’t look for him? If they didn’t look for Rasalas, why is she not surprised to find out that 'Rasalas Black' doesn’t exist anymore?
Regulus feels like he already knows the answer, and it makes his whole body feel like it’s been plunged in a pool of icy water.
"Did you look for me?" He asks.
"Of course we did," his mother replies without missing a beat.
Regulus’ heart is racing erratically in his chest. He shakes his head, and asks again, "Did you?"
His mother sighs like he’s boring her, like his questions are coming from an irritating child who keeps pestering why why why.
Finally, she looks at him. Her eyes are cold, but nothing is colder than what she is about to say.
"Why would we look for something that we were happy to be without?"
Regulus’ heart stutters. He gasps softly, the breath brutally knocked out of him.
They never looked for him.
They didn’t want to look for him.
They were happy without him.
Maybe Regulus always knew. Maybe he never expected any different, and maybe, in some way, it’s for the best.
But fucking hell, does it hurt.
It hurts that they didn’t look. He went missing, he disappeared. They had no idea what could have happened to him, and they didn’t care.
"Don’t look so surprised, Rasalas," his mother sneers. "You were never going to be the son we wanted. You were always too soft, too weak. We needed a son with a backbone to carry on Orion’s company, and from the moment you arrived I knew you were never going to be the man we wanted you to be. We would rather have no heir at all than have you."
"That is enough!" Euphemia interrupts sharply, shooting to her feet. "Mrs Black, if you do not walk away from this desk right now, I will call security and have you removed from the premises."
"The last time you tried to force an accusation on me, Potter, it didn’t work out so well," Walburga threatens, looking down her nose.
"You may have more influence with the police, but this is my ward. You have no power here, Walburga. It’s a hospital, and you are being malicious and disrespectful to my staff. I will have you removed and it will not take much more to get you banned."
His mother’s eyes harden as she stares at Euphemia like one would stare at a piece of dog shit on the bottom of their shoe.
When her eyes flick towards Regulus, and the familiar storm is glared at him, Regulus can’t help but flinch. His heart is racing. His hands are clammy. He wants to shrink into the chair and disappear.
"Do not test me, Walburga," Euphemia warns, voice low. "You may have silenced me once, but I will not allow you to do it again."
Regulus is surprised when Walburga walks away. He wasn’t convinced his mother was going to back down, but when he watches her retreating back disappear into Orion’s room, he lets out a shaky breath and slumps onto the table top.
A hand rests on his back, stroking softly and grounding him. He breathes through his nose slowly, trying to chase off the impending panic attack that seems to be crawling up inside him.
After a minute, he lifts his head and rubs his eyes. He takes in a long, ragged breath, and looks at the older woman.
"T-thank you," Regulus croaks.
"It was the least I could do," Euphemia replies. "What she said is vile, unnecessary, and untrue, Regulus. That woman is a disgrace, and I will be conducting a complaint to get her banned if Orion's discharge doesn't go through on Saturday. She will not be here when you come back on shift, I promise."
Regulus blows a shaky breath out of his mouth and shrugs. "It's fine."
"It's not fine! Nothing that woman is saying is fine!" Euphemia snaps, eyes bright with distress and anger. "She is— I can't. I can't even— she's made me so angry, Regulus. What she said to you... I— I can't," Euphemia shakes her head. She looks furious. "You deserve so much better, Regulus. You deserve so, so much better."
Regulus closes his eyes.
How can his own mother hate him so much, yet the woman he’s known for five years fights for him like one of her own children?
"Thank you, Effie," Regulus whispers.
"Don't thank me," she shakes her head, looking sad. "Just... just look after yourself, okay?"
"I will," Regulus nods. He doesn't care where he goes, he just wants to get as far away from the hospital and his mother as possible.
"Go home, sweetheart," she says, and then she’s leaning forward and placing a kiss on his forehead. "For what it’s worth, I am so, so proud of you. I couldn’t have hoped for a better person for my James."
Regulus feels his jaw slack in shock, and he feels utterly speechless as Euphemia walks away to get on with her shift.
The entire conversation and fight has given him emotional whiplash. From finding out Euphemia tries to get his parents charged for abuse when he was 15, to the guilt and nausea of how his mother spoke to Euphemia, to anger and hurt from his own mother, and finally an overwhelming, crushing feeling from Euphemia’s kind admission before she left. He feels overwhelmed to the point that he’s numb. Bone tired and completely numb.
Regulus doesn’t really remember getting up from the reception desk. He feels like he floats to the mess room, his body not really his own. He doesn’t get changed out of his scrubs, he just grabs his bag and his coat and walks out. He feels completely disconnected, in mind and body as he walks to his car.
His head pounds and his brain ricochets with every step. His muscles ache like he’s ran a marathon and five rounds with a black bear.
When he finally gets to his car, it’s almost 10 in the morning. He started his shift at half past six the night before, to which he started with no sleep, no food, and the mental fragility of a thin plane of glass.
He pulls out his phone to see two missed texts from James.
James (06:46) morning! hope the night shift is going well and all the patients stayed asleep :)
James (08:34) i’m assuming by the lack of reply that your shift has overrun. let me know when you finish because i have an idea i want to run by you xx
Regulus doesn’t have the energy to type. Instead, he phones James.
"Hey, baby," James answers cheerily.
"What was your idea?" Regulus asks. His voice is barely a croaked whisper.
"Sirius wants to order you an apology breakfast," James explains after a moment of hesitant silence. "He totally understands if you don’t want to come over and see him, he’s just—"
"I’ll leave now," Regulus interrupts.
"O-kay," James says slowly. "Everything alright, Reg?"
"I-I won’t be long," Regulus stutters, swallowing down the gasps on panic that seem to gripping his throat in an icy, tight hold.
"Okay, baby. Drive safe, please?" James says, and he sounds so worried.
"Yeah," Regulus whispers, and then he hangs up.
The hand holding his phone falls from his ear and lands limply in his lap.
Today confirmed it for Regulus.
His parents, have never cared for him. No matter how much he tries to justify that perhaps he had it wrong, perhaps they changed after he left, perhaps they regret what they did… they didn’t, and they don’t.
They didn’t look for him.
They didn’t worry about his disappearance.
They did the same to Sirius. After they’d taken out their anger that they’d lost their heir on Regulus, they didn’t chase after him.
Was it the report handed in by Euphemia that put them off? Or were they never going to try and find him? Did they decide that Sirius was dead to them, and therefore they didn’t care where he actually went?
Is that why they hate Regulus so much? Was he their second chance? He was the spare after all, was his downfall their greatest disappointment?
What did he ever do bad enough for them to be so dismissive of him?
What did he ever do bad enough that meant when he disappeared, they didn’t want to look for him?
They’d really rather have no children at all than have Regulus.
The thought makes the back of his throat spasm, and he barely gets his car door open before he’s retching onto the car park floor. The tea he drank during handover comes up violently, burning his throat. Tears stream from his eyes as he gags and hacks, choking on his breath.
He doesn’t have anything to bring up apart from tea and bile, and the vomiting episode quickly passes. By the time he’s straightened himself out in his seat, he feels shaky and weak, panting from the excursion. He wipes away the tear tracks from his cheeks and his mouth with a grimace.
Great, he thinks grimly. Now I feel gross as well as strung out.
He digs into his bag with shaky fingers and pulls out some chewing gum, popping one in his mouth. He turns the ignition on and begins driving to James’ place.
Regulus knows he probably shouldn’t be driving. He should give himself at least a little bit of time to get his head on straight before he goes out onto the roads, but he can’t. He needs to get away from the hospital. He needs to get away from his parents.
Regulus is completely zoned out while he drives. He moves through London traffic on autopilot. He feels his body trembling and vibrating with anxiety, his stomach summersaulting and rolling with nausea. He feels on edge and unsettled, yet his mind is so overfull that he can’t seem to focus on anything.
When he pulls up outside of James and Sirius’ flat, his mind thinks of Euphemia.
He wonders how she’s coping with his mother and father on shift. He wonders what else his mother has said to her, what threats his parents have given. He can’t even begin to imagine how hostile they’re going to be now they know that she was the one who both reported them to the police and took care of their first born son.
Euphemia may be tough, but she doesn’t deserve their anger. She doesn’t deserve to be abused a work, to be insulted and threatened. She’s a good person, a good mother.
You deserve so much better, Regulus.
I am so, so proud of you.
Regulus feels his heart crack in his chest.
How can a woman who has only known him for five years, and who almost tore his son and adopted son apart, love him more than his own mother?
One minute he had his mother telling him he’s unwanted, unloved, that they were happy that he ran away. Then, he had Euphemia comforting him, telling him how proud she is of him and how he’s the one she wants for her own son.
Since he met her during his studying and placement, Regulus has always seem Euphemia as a bit of a mother-figure. It took a while, and he will still always see her as his boss and colleague before anything, but when she started supporting him and rooting for him, he began to see her as the mother he never had. The comfort she’d bring him when he was stressed or struggling on the ward felt like the most foreign and addicting thing in the world.
Today he learned that this woman put her neck out for him. She did it for Sirius years ago, and she did it again today but for him. She didn’t hesitate to stand up to Walburga, and she did it fearlessly.
She’s the first adult in his life to stand up for him. The first person, aside from Sirius, who stood up for him against his parents.
A guttural sob rips from his throat. His eye sting with tears that instantly start rolling down his cheeks and drip onto his lap. He gasps and cries, sobbing in earnest for the parents he never had. The overwhelming sense of emotions makes him feel like he’s drowning on dry land.
Regulus grips the steering wheel with shaking hands, fingers clenched so tight his knuckles are white. His arms tremble with the strain, the plastic of his steering wheel creaking beneath his hands.
He feels his chest tighten, his racing heart beating his ribcage from the inside out. He feels like he’s being torn apart, pain and sadness and anger and hurt all ripping from into tiny fragments. 23 years of utter anguish, of confusion, and Regulus feels like it’s all been answered for him.
His parents didn’t look for him.
They didn’t miss him.
In some ways, that feels worse than being kicked out, because at least then Regulus would have known where the land laid.
Now?
Now he feels like he’s stepped on a landmine and everything has blown up in his face.
Stop crying.
Stop crying.
Stop! Crying!
Regulus shoves his fist between his teeth and bites down. His teeth dig into the skin his fingers and knuckles, sending sharp shoots of pain to the tips of his fingers. He breathes harshly through his nose, letting out a whine of pain.
The abuse on his own hand seems to ground him. His focus zeroes in on the sparks of pain in his knuckles and his teeth, and it feels like it breaks through the fog surrounding him. Piercing the panic, he feels the racing of his heart begin to slow, his chest relaxing.
He doesn’t stop biting his hand until he feels like he has a grip on his panic attack. When he takes his hand out of his mouth, it’s red and marked with indents from his teeth so deep it’s almost broken the skin. Pain pulsates in his hand, but he welcomes it. It gives him something else to focus on.
Eventually, he slumps in the seat of his car, feeling hollow, like a carved out jack-o-lantern. He blinks slowly, eyes feeling like they’re covered in grit. He stares unseeingly out the windscreen, mind and body blank and frozen.
He breathes in and out slowly. The effort makes his lungs ache as if they’re too tired to even function normally. His head is pounding, his body is sore.
He doesn’t know how long he sits there for, but eventually, the car door opens slowly, and Regulus rolls his head against the headrest to look at James. He blinks at him, realising he didn’t even notice him come out of the building and approach the car.
The sight of the older boy brings Regulus a sense of comfort, but it’s barely noticeable. He feels too ripped apart to feel anything anymore apart from the crippling weight of fatigue.
Regulus just wants to fall into the mans arms and go sleep. He wants to be held, be reminded he’s love. He wants James to say all the things that will silence the echo of his mother’s voice in his head.
He wants to cuddle up with his boyfriend and for the world to leave him alone for a while.
"Hey, baby," he says softly. "You alright? You’ve been sitting here for quite a while."
"I’m fine," Regulus rasps.
James clearly doesn’t believe his lie. The older boys eyes trace over his face, mouth pinched and turned down with concern.
"Come on," he murmurs, brushing Regulus’ hair off his forehead. "Lets get you inside, yeah?"
"Yeah," Regulus croaks, nodding.
James steps back, as Regulus reaches onto the passenger seat to grab his bag. He climbs out, but as soon as he’s on his feet and vertical, an intense heat washes over his forehead and he stumbles.
"Reg?" James asks, eyebrows furrowing with concern. "You feeling okay?"
Regulus opens his mouth to reply, but his voice is gone. Dark spots dance in his vision, and this time he can’t blink them away. His body suddenly goes hot, and the world begin to tilt.
The last thing he see’s is James reaching for him before everything goes dark.
— tbc.