carpe diem

30

JAMES

When Regulus’ face drains of colour after getting out of the car, James knows something was wrong. He calls the younger boys name, but all Regulus does is look and blink at him with hazy eyes. Then, before James can react, Regulus’ eyes are rolling up into the back of his head and his knees fold like wet cardboard. James barely manages to grab him before he drops to the floor and brains himself on the concrete pavement.

Regulus’ head rolls against James’ shoulder, his body and limbs entirely limp. His face is completely colourless, dark bruises underneath his closed eyes as James lowers them to the floor.

"Reg?" James says loudly, feeling the pulse underneath his jaw.

The unconscious mans heart is racing, and his skin is cold and clammy beneath James’ fingers. He hovers his hand in front of Regulus’ mouth, feeling the slow and even puffs of breath.

James shakes Regulus’ shoulders, and he see’s the younger boys eyelashes flutter.

"Regulus?" He calls again, patting his cheek. "Reg? Wake up, baby."

The smaller man groans softly, so quietly it’s barely audible. James pats his cheek a few more times, but when Regulus shows no further signs of waking, he grips the slender mans trap muscles in his shoulder and squeezes hard.

Regulus groans again, this time louder. His eyelashes flutter, his eyebrows pinching as he makes the slow, sluggish crawl back to consciousness.

Come on, Reg, James thinks desperately.

"Open your eyes for me, Reg," James says. "Come on. Wake up."

It only takes a few moments for Regulus’ eyes to flutter open. Glazed and faraway eyes stare up at him, blinking slowly, and James lets out a heavy breath of relief.

He didn’t realise how much he’d slipped into 'paramedic mode' (as Sirius likes to call it whenever James is confronted with any kind of medical emergency) until he see’s Regulus awake. Albeit groggy and still far too pale, Regulus' eyes being open again has James' heart racing with the realisation that his boyfriend just collapsed like a sack of potatoes.

"Wh…" Regulus breathes, blinking slowly. "H’p’n’d?"

"You fainted, sweetheart," James replies gently. He doesn’t want to startle Regulus, because collapsing and come back around can be very confusing.

Regulus just frowns in response. He seems to be coming around a bit more, but his colour isn't improving. He's so pale his lips are practically blending in with his skin.

"It’s alright. You’re gonna be alright," James murmurs softly. "When was the last time you ate something, Reg?"

"Uh..." Regulus trails off, dark eyebrows pinching as he thinks.

Considering he's having to think this hard answers the question clearly for James.

It's also an answer he doesn't like.

For fucks sake, Regulus, he thinks. He's going to bet money if Regulus hasn't eaten, he probably hasn't drank anything either, and judging by the bags underneath his eyes, he likely didn't sleep enough for his nightshift.

Low blood sugar, dehydration, and sleep deprivation combined with the mentally taxing week he's had? James isn't surprised Regulus dropped the moment he stood up.

His body is telling him to finally take a break, and thankfully, it decided to wait until James was there to stop him from cracking his head open.

"We need to get you upstairs," James says. "You need something to eat and drink, and then you need sleep."

"'M alright," Regulus exhales, blinking hard.

James scoffs; Regulus is still white as a ghost and has barely more stability than an over boiled strand of spaghetti.

"I'll believe that when you look it," James murmurs, adjusting his grip on Regulus' shoulders as he slings the younger man's bag on his shoulder. Then, he slips an arm underneath Regulus' legs and lifts him in a bridal carry.

Regulus groans as James straightens up, but the momentum or change in position doesn't cause him to pass out again. He weakly wraps his arms around James' neck, his head resting on his shoulder.

When James is sure that Regulus is secure and safe in his arms, he gently nudges the car door closed with his hip and asks, "Can you reach your keys?"

Regulus nods sluggishly, and a moment later, he’s unwrapping one of his arms to dig into his coat pocket and pulls out a set of keys. He locks the car, sliding them back in before wrapping his arm back around James’ neck.

The journey back up to his flat is quick, despite Regulus laying in his arms like a deadweight, James doesn’t allow his fatigue to slow him down. The smaller boy keeps apologising, but James keeps telling him it’s okay - which it’s not, but Regulus hardly needs a lecture right now when he’s still recovering from fainting. After Regulus has eaten and had some sleep, then James will give him a piece of his mind about the basic necessities to maintain bodily functions.

With his hands full, James can't use his keys to open the front door of their flat. Instead, he kicks it with his shoe and prays that Sirius hasn't decided this was an ideal time to go for a shit or a shower.

Barely a moment passes, but it's too much for James. He's feeling impatient, a bit panicky, and every second that passes where he's not getting some sugar and fluids in Regulus makes his heart race and his stomach summersault with anxiety.

"Sirius!" James shouts, and a second later the door is swinging open.

"Hey, did— what the fuck?" Sirius cries, eyes widening in alarm at the pair of them. "Why does my brother look like he's dying, Prongs?"

"He passed out," James replies shortly, shouldering briskly past his friend. He doesn't want to be an ass, but he needs to lay Regulus down and get some fluid and food in his as soon as possible. "Can you get me a glass of orange juice, Pads? Or something as equally as sugary."

"I'm fine," Regulus argues shakily.

It's the least reassuring statement James has ever heard.

"Shut up, Regulus," James snaps, but it holds no heat. He looks at Sirius, who's standing frozen by the front door still, staring at Regulus with shock and fear. "We need to get his blood sugar up. Do we have any jam left?"

"Yeah," Sirius nods wearily. "Jam on toast?"

James nods. "Thanks, Pads."

Sirius dashes frantically into the kitchen while James sets Regulus down on the sofa. He's not worried about the younger man's blood pressure being so low that if he does anything more than lay Regulus flat, he'll pass out, but he wants Regulus to be comfortable and resting. He leans Regulus against the corner cushions of the sofa, resting his head against the back pillows and making sure his legs are stretched out. Then, he crouches in front of him and takes in the sight of his still too pale and exhausted face.

"We're going to make you feel better, baby," James murmurs, flashing him a reassuring smile.

Regulus can say he's 'fine' all he wants, but fragile and sickly expression on his face tells James different.

"M'sorry," Regulus says on a heavy exhale, melting like butter on a hot plate into the sofa cushions.

James heart pangs painfully in his chest.

"Don't be sorry, sweetheart," he replies, because he doesn't want Regulus to be sorry. He wants Regulus to be well, and looked after, and not looking like he's a blink away from disappearing into the atmosphere.

Then, he wants to burn Walburga and Orion Black to charcoal.

"You're angry," Regulus states, blinking slowly at him.

"I am," James nods honestly. He knows it's clear on his face, but he doesn't want the blame to get miscommunicated to the wrong person. "But not at you, Reg."

"At Sirius?"

"No," James huffs a laugh. "Not anymore, at least."

Then, Sirius is appearing over James' shoulder, a plate in one hand and a full glass in the other. He hands the plate of toast to James before crouching down in front of the sofa. He extends the glass out to his brother and says, "Here you go, Reg."

"Thanks," Regulus says softly, reaching out with a shaky hand to take the glass of orange juice.

His entire body is trembling slightly, shivering against the cushions. James watches him take his first sip slowly, hand barely gripping onto the glass and tremors making the juice slosh.

"Steady, baby," he says  

Regulus’ eyes cut to him sharply. "I’m not a child, James."

"Coming from the man who has just passed out partly due to his in-capability to look after himself."

"Fuck you," the younger man grumbles with narrowed eyes, but the curse comes out with less fire than usual.

James smiles lovingly, "Drink your juice, sweetheart. Then, you're going to eat this toast and when I'm satisfied you're not going to go into a hypoglycaemic coma, we're discussing the plan."

"Plan?" Regulus asks, raising a quizzical eyebrow at him.

"Drink and eat first."

Regulus continues to eye him suspiciously, but when James exaggeratedly motions to the glass in his hand and the plate in his own, Regulus huffs, rolling his eyes and taking another sip.

A hand taps James on the shoulder, and when he looks, Sirius nods to the kitchen.

James nods, and after Sirius has got up, he turns to Regulus and says, "I’ll be right back, okay?"

Regulus hums, taking the plate and placing it on his lap.

"Eat and drink all of it," James orders softly but sternly. "But not too quick, just in case—"

"I know, James," Regulus interrupts, flashing him a look. "I’m a doctor, remember? I know how fucking blood sugar works."

James smiles at him.

Yeah, he thinks. He’s already feeling better.

James stands up, kissing Regulus’ hair, before he follows Sirius in the kitchen, where his best friend stands with his arms crossed, shoulders stiff and tense. He’s pacing slightly, practically vibrating with energy.

"What happened?" Sirius asks.

Exactly what was bound to happen, James thinks. 

In hind sight, this is no surprise. Regulus has been running himself into the ground all week. It was bound to catch up with him, and he's just lucky that James, or anyone, was there to catch him before he fell.

"He got out of the car and just passed out," James explains quietly, and Sirius' eyes widen. "I think this week has caught up with him, Pads. He’s overtired, underfed, and his body just decided enough was enough. He stood up and went down like a ton of bricks."

Sirius’ face blanches with surprise and horror. He slumps heavily against the kitchen side, glancing over at Regulus on the sofa, and mutters a defeated, "Fuck."

Sirius’ arms fall from across his chest to around his stomach. His shoulders hunch forward, body curling as if it’s protecting itself. He looks so pained in that moment, so fucking torn apart that it makes James unable to ignore the need to pull his friend in for a hug.

He crosses the floor and pulls Sirius against him. He wraps his arms around the slightly shorter man, who falls into James’ chest. Sirius’ arms wrap around him, holding him close and tight.

"I should have been there for him," Sirius says, and the way he shakes against James’ body make his heart ache.

Sirius and Regulus may not see eye to eye, and in front of each other, they piss each other off. But James has seen Sirius’ vulnerable side when it comes to Regulus, and he knows that despite their bad blood, Sirius care so deeply for his younger brother. Half of their conversations this week have been Sirius worrying endlessly about Regulus dealing with their parents, and the unknown of how much they’ve been hurting and tormenting him in his workplace.

Half of Sirius’ meltdowns this last week have been for Regulus instead of himself, and when they had their screaming match a few days ago, James could see the regret in Sirius’ face as soon as Regulus left.

He didn’t mean to take his anger out on Regulus. He wasn’t angry with him at all, he was actually angry for him. He was angry that Regulus was being put in this position, that he was forced to care for their abusers. He was angry at the system, but Regulus’ own lack of matching anger made Sirius’ temper boil over. It wasn’t okay, but Sirius has been punishing himself relentlessly ever since.

The sight of Regulus limp, pale and half-conscious in James’ arms earlier must have scared the living shit out of Sirius.

"We all should have," James argues softly, his own gut churning with guilt. "This isn’t on you, Pads."

Sirius shakes his head mournfully. "I argued with him."

"You were both under stress this week," James soothes. "The argument didn’t help, but it’s not all because of that," James pulls back and looks Sirius in the eyes, "What matters now is that he’s here, and we’re not going to let this happen again."

"Yeah," Sirius nods, eyes glistening. "Yeah, you’re right."

"He’s going to be okay, Pads," James smiles. "You both are. You just need a little taking care of for a while."

"You’ve taken care of me enough," Sirius says, shaking his head and sniffing. "You’ve taken care of me all week. Just focus on Reg for now."

James frowns, "Pads—"

"I’m fine," Sirius smiles, but it’s so fake it’s not even remotely believable. "I’ll be fine as long as he is."

James wants to argue that he can never take too much care for any of his friends, and that with the situation at hand, Sirius will never need too much support. The elder Black's being back in London has brought up so many memories and ghosts for Sirius that he's fallen apart quicker than James has ever seen in the last week. All the work and progress they'd made since he was 16 seems to have crumbled before their very eyes and he hasn't even had to see them in person.

James doesn't want Sirius to pretend he's fine. He doesn't want his friend to think he's a burden, or that James can't split his concern and love between the two Black brothers.

He can, and he's going to show Sirius that.

"You're both going to be fine," he murmurs. "I'm going to make sure of it."

"He needs you right now."

"He needs you too, Pads," James counters, and when Sirius' eyebrows pull down with confusion, he adds, "Remember what I told you earlier this week? You are the only person who understands the pain he's feeling right now. You're the only person who can truly empathise what he's gone through with them. You're his brother, Sirius. There is no one in the world he needs more than you right now."

"I'm not helping," Sirius argues. "I haven't helped him since he was 15."

"Sometimes it's not help we need, but it's someone who understands the weight of what we're feeling," James says. "I can give him all the comfort and help in the world, but I can't understand how he feels. I will never be able to truly promise everything will be okay, because I can't imagine what he's gone through and what this week could have been like for him. You can. You know them, you've survived them. Right now, Regulus needs someone who understands him."

Sirius is quiet for a long time. His eyes are closed, his expression pained.

"I really do think you'll do more than you're convinced you will," James adds softly. "I think you two need each other."

Sirius just nods wordlessly in reply, sniffing. James takes it as his queue to leave, and give his friend a minute to digest what he's said. He gives Sirius' shoulder another squeeze before he goes back into the living room.

Regulus is still laying where they left him, and to James' pleasure, the glass is drained and the plate is empty. Both of them have been put on the coffee table, and while Regulus has slouched further into the sofa, head cradled on the cushions, his colour is better.

He looks less like a dead body and more like someone who needs a week long sleep.

"Hey," James greets softly, crouching down in front of him again. "Better?"

"Yeah," Regulus replies, flashing him a smile. "Thank you."

"Good."

"So, what's this 'plan'?"

"You're staying here today. I have a nightshift tonight, so we're going to go to bed now and you're not going to get up until you naturally wake up, even if you sleep for 48 hours, you're fucking resting and doing nothing else. When you're awake, you're going to be eating and drinking else replenish the nutrients and sugars you've lost."

"Okay."

"I'm also going to text Pandora to come over tonight so she can keep an eye on you until I get back till morning."

"What?!" Regulus gawks, eyes widening in horror. "You're assigning me a babysitter?"

"Do I need to remind you that you just passed out in front of my apartment building?!" James shoots back. "Consider yourself on bloody welfare watch until further notice!"

"You can't ground me, James!" Regulus argues. "I'm 23 years old!"

"I can do what I bloody like and you will accept it! You scared the shit out of me, Reg!"

Instantly, Regulus' face drops with guilt. The annoyance of having a 'babysitter' wipes from his expression and he sighs, face closing with remorse and regret.

"I'm sorry," he whispers.

James shakes his head, running his fingers through the younger man's hair soothingly as he says, "I just don't want you to be alone right now."

"Sirius is here," Regulus mutters.

"Nice try," James smiles. "As if you expect me to believe that you are going to allow Sirius to help you in respects to eating and resting."

"I don't need help," Regulus grumbles unhappily, his face twisting in petulant disgust.

It makes James smile wider, because there is nothing more cute than a sulking Regulus.

"That's up for debate, darling," James replies, kissing the smaller man's forehead and pleased to find it isn't cool and clammy anymore. "Seriously though, I don't think you should be on your own tonight. I just... I would feel a whole lot better knowing you weren't alone, and not just because I want someone to make sure you don't pass out again."

Regulus' eyes are glued on James' face, wide and vulnerable and open. James can see the whirlwind of emotions behind them, the fear and the guilt, the anxiety and the sadness all consumed in a storm of greys and silvers.

"Okay," he murmurs eventually. "I won't pass out again, by the way, but if it'll help. I, uh..." Regulus trails off, suddenly looking shifty and worried as his eyes flick around the room, looking anywhere but James. "I haven't told Pandora or the other two that they're back though."

James' face falls in a confused, bewildered frown. "What?"

"I haven't told them."

"Why?"

"Haven't had the time," Regulus shrugs.

"They're your friends, Reg."

"I know. I just..."

James knows exactly why Regulus hasn't told his friends about this catastrophic mess: because he doesn't want to share the load of his suffering and need for support onto them. Regulus would rather face it all alone than admit to needing someone to help him through it.

James has seen in Sirius too much over the years. Unrelenting stubbornness and pride that has always caused Sirius to be determined that suffering in silence is better than feeling like a burden on his loved ones. James knows he's the same, his own independence and self-esteem making him feel like asking for help is the equivalent of admitting defeat.

It's hypocritical, but it doesn't hurt any less to see Regulus do the same.

"You have time now," James says softly. "They should know, Reg. As much as you may want to believe you don't need it, they can help. They'll want to help."

"That's what I'm afraid of," Regulus croaks. "They've had to help me so much recently. I don't want to—"

"Don't even finish that sentence," James interrupts. "That's what friends are for. You're not too much for them, Reg. And considering what's going on right now? I think that qualifies for being something big enough to need your friends for. Would you be there for them in they were in your situation? If their asshole parents were back in town and running their physical and mental health into the ground?"

"Of course."

"Then you can't believe they wouldn't want to do it for you."

Regulus huffs, rolling in his eyes, but James knows he right, and that Regulus knows it too. The side eye that Regulus flashes him proves it, and it has James grinning with smugness.

"You don’t need to text Pandora," Regulus says. "I know you’re worried, but I don’t need her here. I… I actually would rather just sleep tonight and speak to everyone tomorrow. I promise I’ll speak to them too. All of them. Just... just give me tonight to get my head on straight."

James knows his face is clear with trepidation at the idea.

"I’m not on my own. Sirius is here, and I know you don’t trust us, but all I’m going to be doing is sleeping while you’re not here," Regulus says. "I won’t pass out again, James. I’ll rest, and I’ll eat and drink and sleep. I promise."

"You’ll speak to them tomorrow?"

Regulus nods.

"Alright," James replies, reluctantly. "Okay, baby. I won’t text her."

"Thank you," Regulus smiles. "I really am sorry for scaring you."

"I know. It’s okay," James smiles back, kissing the younger man on the forehead.

"Prongs?"

Looking over his shoulder, James finds Sirius standing by the kitchen. The shorter man’s eyes are red and bloodshot, but they’re now clear of tears and his expression, though sad, looks less devastated. His arms are no longer wrapped around his stomach, but instead down straight and clenched together.

"Yeah?"

"Can I have a moment with Reg, please?"

"Of course," James nods. He looks back at Regulus, and flashes him a smile. "I’ll go get you some pyjamas and get the bed ready, okay?"

"Okay," Regulus whispers back, and it reassures James that the younger man doesn't look anxious or uncomfortable at the idea of being left alone with Sirius.

Maybe he's too tired, or he's feeling too unwell, but either way, James doesn't feel like he's abandoning Regulus in that moment.

When James stands up, he flashes Sirius a soft, but stern look that he hops translates to I’m glad you’re doing this, but do it right. Sirius just nods, so James is hoping the message was received.

James goes into his bedroom to get everything ready for Reg. He tidies a bit, puts the blankets how Regulus likes them because he has a thing about snuggling when he’s done a nightshift. He grabs a pair of thick sweatpants that Regulus has borrowed before, the usual sweatshirt he claims and a pair of the fluffiest socks he can find. Regulus has a tendency to run cold anyways, but James knows he particularly feels it when he’s rundown and coming off a nightshift. Just looking at the clothes makes James feel hot, but he knows Regulus will want them. Plus, it won’t retract from Regulus cuddling him like an octopus, so James doesn’t mind.

James begins to walk out of his bedroom to go back into the living room, but he stops short when he see’s Regulus and Sirius on the sofa.

Sirius is sitting beside Regulus on the sofa, the two of them curled into each other. Regulus’ head is tucked into Sirius’ chest, his arms around Sirius’ and looking so so small. Sirius is curled around Regulus like a protective wall, his arms holding Regulus close for dear life around his shoulders and back. James can see their shoulders’ shaking, and Sirius’ tear soaked face is muttering something too low for James to hear.

James feels his heart breaking painfully at the sight of them. Realising that this may be the moment the two of them have needed for years, James creeps back into his room. He shuts the door with the softest, quietest click just as he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. He sits on the end of his bed and see’s that he’s got a text from his mum.

Mum (11:04) i don’t know if you’re asleep sweetheart, but do you know if regulus got home okay?

James (11:05) i’m awake, and he’s here. he’s not doing too good, but i’m going to make him go to bed in a bit

Mum (11:05) i don’t know how much he’s told you, but his mother said some absolutely vile things before he left. i’m glad he went to yours, i didn’t want him to be alone today

James’ heart sinks. No wonder Regulus dropped like a stone in water when he got out of the car if he’d had a fight with Walburga when he left the hospital. He was already running on fumes, and his mother probably snuffed out the last remaining willpower he had.

James (11:06) he hasn’t said anything, but he hasn’t been very with it since he got here. i’ll speak to him later when he’s had some sleep. how bad was it?

Mum (11:07) i’m debating if the loss of my license is worth the things i want to say to that woman

James’ eyes widen. That means it was bad bad. His mother has the patience of a saint, and her job is almost as important to her as being alive.

Whatever went down between Regulus and Walburga must have been pretty catastrophic for her to be nonchalant about losing her licence.

James (11:08) i’ll look after him. he’s talking to sirius now, but afterwards i’ll get him to bed and make sure he sleeps. he hasn’t been looking after himself this week, but i’ll make sure he does now

Mum (11:08) i’m so sad for those boys. it’s breaking my heart what that woman has done to them, but i’m so happy they have you. just make sure you look after yourself too

James (11:09) i will xx good luck today with walbitch

Mum (11:10) pray for my code of conduct <3

Looking back into the living room, James sees that the Black brothers are still in the same positive. Only this time, Sirius’ head tilts up to look at James.

You good? James mouths at him.

Sirius smiles back at him, sad and resigned. His eyes are bloodshot and his cheeks are still wet with tears, but he looks more content than James has seen him in years.

Slowly, James makes his way over to them. Neither of the brothers move, and Regulus doesn’t even seem to notice him until he’s crouched down in front of them. The smaller Black turns his head so his face isn’t buried in Sirius’ jumper anymore, and when his red-rimmed and puffy eyes meet James’, the older boys stomach twinges with sympathy.

"Hey," James murmurs softly, stroking a tear away from his cheek softly.

"Hi," Regulus sniffs.

"You guys okay?"

"We will be," Sirius replies quietly. "We’re not going to let them win."

"Good," James grins. "You ready to go to bed, baby?"

"Mhm," Regulus hums, nodding. James can see his eyes drooping, his head heavy and listless as it rests against Sirius’ chest. The boy is exhausted down to the bone.

"Come on then, sweetheart," James says.

The two of them help Regulus sit up, but the bags underneath Regulus eyes are as dark as paint and his limbs are heavy when he moves. When they’re all standing, Sirius strokes Regulus’ hair with eyes shining with heartbreak, and when Regulus leans into the touch, James realises that he was right earlier when he said that the two brothers needed each other now more than ever.

Regulus’ movements are slow and sluggish as they get ready for bed. He seems to wilt when he’s wrapped up in James’ soft clothes, and he collapses into bed like his body weighs a thousand pounds.

James climbs in after him, pulling the younger man against him and wrapping around him as much as he can.

"I’m sorry," Regulus murmurs, voice thick and barely audible.

"Stop apologising, sweetheart," James whispers, kissing his hair. "Just sleep and focus on getting better, okay?"

"M’kay," Regulus mumbles. "I love you."

"I love you too."

Regulus is asleep within seconds.

James isn’t very far behind.

***

When James wakes up that evening, he feels groggy and bleary eyed. Regulus is still asleep beside him, to James’ relief. The covers are pulled up so high that only Regulus’ eyes and hair are visible, his dark hair sprayed over the pillow like a dark halo. The younger man is so deeply asleep he’s barely even twitching, body a deadweight and breathing slow and even.

James watches him for a moment. His brain flashes back to when Regulus collapsed, his eyes rolling back and his face colourless. He hated seeing Regulus so defeated, so lifeless. Even after he’d come around, he was drained of life and energy as he laid on the sofa.

James gets out of bed without disturbing Regulus, who doesn’t react or move an inch. He tucks the covers tightly around him, making sure Regulus stays cosy and warm.

He finds Sirius and Remus in the kitchen. Sirius is sat at the breakfast bar, nursing a mug of likely hot chocolate, and Remus is standing at the cooker. The smell of fry-up fills the flat with a delicious aroma, and James’ stomach rumbles.

"Evening, Prongs," Remus greets.

"Evening," James replies. "Breakfast for dinner?"

Remus shrugs, smirking. "Figured it’s morning for you. Want to make sure you’ve got a full stomach of good food before your night shift."

"Thanks, Moony," James smiles.

"How’s Reg?" Sirius asks, his knuckles white with the grip he has on his mug.

"He’s asleep."

Sirius’ shoulders relax instantly, and he nods, "Good."

James takes in Sirius’ wilted expression and tired eyes. "You okay?"

Sirius shrugs. "Not really. I’m just worried."

James nods, feeling the same.

"We had a good chat earlier, but the shit he said… he broke my fucking heart, Prongs."

"He wasn’t in a good place."

"He told me what she said to him," Sirius says mournfully. "She told him they didn’t look for him because they didn’t want him around."

Remus almost drops the spatula as he spins around to stare at Sirius, eyes wide like he’s looking at someone who’s grown a second head. James’ own stomach has dropped like a hot rock inside his body.

They what?

"What the fuck?"

"Apparently he was too 'soft', and they never wanted a son like him," Sirius adds, jaw clenching. "They literally told him they’d rather have no children than have him."

"Fucking hell," Remus breathes. "Poor Reg."

"He looked so fucking defeated," Sirius whispers, voice thick. "After all this time, after all they’ve put him through, he just wanted to be fucking loved and wanted by them."

"Every kid wants to be loved and wanted by their parents," Remus says, shaking his head. "I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to hear that they didn’t look for him when he ran away."

"They’re fucking bastards," Sirius snarls. "If I ever see them again, I think I’m genuinely going to kill them."

"Get in line," James adds.

"Fuck the line," Remus mutters as he flips the sausages in the pan. "They’re going to have a fucking army of people coming after them soon."

James can feel himself practically vibrating with anger. He can’t even imagine what that must have felt like to be told that your own parents didn’t even care when Regulus, in their awareness, went missing. To be told that they were happy that Regulus was gone, because he wasn’t the son they wanted.

James can’t even fathom it.

He’s been extremely fortunate to have two loving parents. His whole life, they have always loved him, put him first, done anything and everything to make him happy. The only struggle James ever had growing up was not being upset about his mum working on Christmas.

James thinks back to the dead look in Regulus’ eyes when he got to their flat that morning. He thinks about how he found Regulus staring, lifeless and unseeingly ahead when he was sitting in his car. He was frozen, like a statue, like a ghost.

Now it makes sense.

Between his mother’s text before he went to sleep, and what Sirius has told him, it makes sense that Regulus looked like someone had blown out of the life in his eyes.

And that makes James so bloody angry.

"You were right."

James blinks. Sirius’ words ripped him from his spiralling dark thoughts.

"What?"

"Earlier. When you told me that Regulus needed me, and that I needed him too," Sirius explains. "You were right. It… it was good to talk to him earlier."

The anger bubbling inside James doesn’t ease at all, but it is slightly pushed down by the blossoming relief that consumes him.

Though the circumstances are shocking, he’s glad that Regulus and Sirius have managed to realise that out of everyone else in the world, the two of them share something they can’t begin to heal with other people. The support Sirius can give Regulus is unmatched, and vice versa.

The two brothers need each other.

"Good," James smiles. "It was nice to see. Well, no. It wasn’t 'nice' to see, because you were both a bloody wreck, but it was good to see the two of you hugging like that."

"I want to help him," Sirius says. "I let him down before. I’m not doing it again. He’s not dealing with this alone this time."

James feels floored with relief. For Sirius, but mostly for Regulus. He’s seen how much this has been eating up his best friend, bringing up ghosts from the past and undoing all the hard work he’s put in to heal. But watching Regulus come apart this last week has been devastating. James has watched him become more and more beaten down, day after day. His walls have gone up just as much as they’ve been bombed down.

"Is he staying here tonight?" Remus asks.

James nods. "I want him too. I just don’t want him to be on his own. Not after yesterday."

"Well, we’ll be here," Remus says, smiling. "He doesn’t have to stay in your room. If he’s awake and wants to come watch TV or something, he can."

"Yeah, he knows," James nods. He glances at the clock on the wall.

"You’ve got about 10 minutes till this is ready, mate," Remus says.

James nods. "Alright. I’m going to go and shower then. Is there enough for—"

"Reg?" Remus smirks. "Yeah, of course. Fry-up for everyone."

James smiles. "Thanks, Moony."

James showers in quick time. When he strolls back into his room, with a towel wrapped around his waist, he smiles when he finds Regulus dozing in the bed, blinking every few seconds as if he’s slowly waking up.

James gives him a few minutes, quietly getting dressed until he see’s Regulus’ eyes properly open.

"Good evening," James grins, sitting down on the side of the bed.

"Evening," Regulus rasps, voice husky and gravely. He tugs the edge of the duvet down, revealing more of his soft, sleeping face as he asks, "W’t time is’t?"

"About six o’clock. How’re you feeling?"

"Alright," Regulus replies softly. "Tired."

"You hungry? Remus is making a fry-up."

Regulus nods. "What time do you have to leave?"

"In about half and hour," James replies. "Remus and Sirius are here, are you going to be okay here tonight?"

"Yeah," Regulus nods, flashing him a tired smile. "I’m probably just going to go back to sleep. I might call Pandora if she’s not busy."

James' heart speeds up a tick with hope. "Yeah?"

Regulus nods. "I need to talk to them all. But I… I want to speak to Pandora first."

James is beyond relieved. Ridiculously so. He's only met Regulus' friends a handful of times, and as far as first impressions go, James knows one thing is undeniable; they are fiercely protective of one another. James has no doubts that when they find out that Regulus has held off telling them what's been going on, they'll be a fiery combination of angry it was kept from them, and angry that Regulus has had to go through this. 

"Good," James replies, kissing his head. "I’m glad, baby. Do you want to go in the kitchen to eat, or do you want to eat in here?"

"Can we eat in here?" Regulus asks, voice small and shy.

"Breakfast in bed sounds like a good way to start a nightshift," James smiles. "Let me go and get it, and I’ll be right back."

He gets up, and freezes when he feels something tug on his trousers.

He looks back and down to find Regulus’ finger hooked in his belt loop, and he’s about to ask what’s wrong, when Regulus yanks him closer and down.

"Wh—" James starts, but is promptly cut off when Regulus smashes their lips together. 

Kissing Regulus will never get old, and every time makes James feel like kicking his feet and giggling. It's almost criminal how simply kissing and touching Regulus never fails to make James forget the world around them and the cruelties it holds.

Regulus pulls away far too soon, James barely stopping himself from falling on the younger man in his haste to chase the kiss again.

"Sorry about the morning breath," Regulus murmurs.

"It’s bearable," James shrugs, and when Regulus looks appalled, he grins and kisses him again.

***

REGULUS

'lady gaga's fan club' group chat:

Regulus (09:03) rosy, are you with barty?

Evan (09:06) yes, why?

Barty (09:06) looking for me reggie-kins?

Regulus (09:07) i need to tell you guys something but just need to make sure someone is with him to stop him from doing anything stupid

Evan (09:07) gimme a sec to grab the handcuffs

Barty (09:07) fuck YEAH

Barty (09:08) why am i being restrained if it's not for sexy fun times?

Evan (09:10) he's secure reg. now spill

Regulus (09:13) my parents are back in town. my father is a patient on the neuro ward and i've been his doctor all week.

(Messages read by Evan and Barty at 09:13)

Regulus (09:19) had a minor moment yesterday and now i'm on welfare watch from james and pandora

Pandora (09:20) it was not a 'minor moment' regulus. you passed out from not looking after yourself. you are on welfare watch because if james hadn't caught you, you would brained yourself on the pavement.

Regulus (09:13) details.

Evan (09:16) what the fuck

Barty (09:16) we need to talk regulus

Barty (09:16) where are you

Regulus (09:17)  i need your word that you are safe to be unrestrained barty. i am not having one of my best friends go to prison

Barty (09:18) you don't have a fucking choice about that

Evan (09:18) he'll behave, reg

Regulus (09:20) be at mine in 30 minutes

***

"I'm going to kill them."

"What part of I need you to stay out of prison did you not understand?"

"I don't give a fuck! It would be worth a fucking life sentence, Reg!"

"And you thought I was the one who would have to be restrained," Barty mutters, shaking his head as he takes a loud sip of his iced coffee. "However, I'm with Rosey on this one."

"They don't deserve something as blissful as death," Pandora counters.

"Who said anything about a blissful death?" Evan shrugs. "I'm not above some good ol' fashioned torture."

Regulus drops his head in his hands, half in exasperation, and half to hide his smirk.

After James had left for his shift last night, Regulus had dozed until about nine o’clock when he woke up needing a piss. He’d got up to find Remus and Sirius on the sofa, and sat with them for a while.

Regulus doesn’t know if it was the vulnerability he was feeling after what his mother said at the end of his shift combined with passing out, or if it was something else, but when Sirius sat down with him that morning and James disappeared into his room, Regulus just… broke.

He felt like he was five years old again, and the moment Sirius was close there was nothing Regulus wanted to do more than hide behind his older brother. The Sirius next to him wasn’t the Sirius who ran away and left him alone, but he was the Sirius who protected him, who fought for him, who hurt with him. He was the Sirius who shared the nightmares in Grimmuald Place, who was hated by their parents, who shared the same experiences as Regulus.

Regulus didn’t want to admit it, but the only person he wanted in that moment was his brother. He wanted the one person who knew what they were like, who’d been on the receiving end of their anger, their manipulation, their cruelty. His mother’s words were ringing in his head, and the only person who could silence them was Sirius.

When Regulus had told him what she’d said, his older brother had shattered in front of him. Regulus had fallen apart, and Sirius fell apart with him.

When Sirius had told him they’d get through it, that they wouldn’t let them win, he was the only person he could believe it from.

It’s not perfect between the two of them, but it felt like the moment of clarity the two of them needed. Regulus needed to see Sirius’ pain from his time in Grimmuald, and Sirius needed to see that Regulus wasn’t immune to it.

Regulus had gone back to bed about 11 o’clock, and somehow managed to sleep right around until James got home at seven in the morning. When James had gone to bed at eight, Regulus had kissed him goodnight and goodbye and gone outside to phone Pandora.

Regulus told her everything, and he felt quite bad when Pandora started crying. Of course, she gave him a lashing for not telling any of them, and then told him that she was going to his flat and for him to meet her there. He’d text the group chat, and driven home in time to arrive just as Pandora did. She got him upstairs and fussed around him like a fretting mother.

Pandora had barely calmed down by the time Evan and Barty arrived. The two of them came in, with coffee’s for everyone in hand and faces with stoney concern and trepidation.

When Regulus began to explain it all to them, Regulus could see them becoming more and more angry.

Now, they look murderous.

"Looks like I’m picking up a shift on the neuro ward," Barty says.

Regulus shakes his head. "Euphemia wouldn’t let you."

"She fucking will," Barty replies hotly. "She’ll welcome me with open arms because she knows I’ll do exactly what she can’t do. She is far too professional and responsible, but me? I have no shame with walking into that ward and breaking their fucking noses."

"No one is breaking any noses."

"If you keep telling me I’m not allowed to give them a taste of their own medicine, Reggie, I might end up breaking your nose."

"Barty!" Pandora snaps, throwing her empty coffee cup and smacking him square in the forehead.

"I can't believe you didn't tell us this was happening," Evan says, sounding a combination of annoyed and upset. "We could have been there for you all week, Reg."

"I know," Regulus murmurs. "I just… there wasn’t any time."

"It takes less than a minute to send a text," Barty counters.

"This was hardly something I wanted to explain over text," Regulus replies hotly. "And texting about this? It would have taken way over a minute."

"You still should have told us, Reg," Evan says. "We could have helped."

"It’s not that I didn’t want to, I promise," Regulus stresses. "I honestly just didn’t have the time. I didn’t want to talk about it. When I was at home, I was just…"

"Existing," Pandora finishes, and when Regulus nods slightly, she tuts and pulls him into a fierce hug. "Oh, mon ange. It breaks my heart that you’ve had to deal with this."

"It’s fine," Regulus murmurs into her shoulder.

"It is not fine!" She hisses, pulling back and cupping his cheeks. She stares at him, eyes hard and eyebrows taut in a frown. "This is not fine, Regulus! The most horrific two individuals have come back here, tormented and beaten you down for a whole week while you’ve just had to stand there and take it! That is not fine!"

Regulus takes a shuddering breath.

It’s not fine, he knows this. It’s far from fine, but the more he begins to accept that this is an utter, colossal, shit-show the more the words his mother spat at him start to hurt again.

It’s easier to brush it all off than try to deal with it.

Though, Regulus figures that’s why he’s still in this mess.

He’s been brushing things off for years, boxing it away and pretending he’s fine. He’s been hiding it all, not dealing with it, and now he’s 24 years old and falling apart again.

But Regulus doesn’t want to fall apart. He doesn’t want to deal with it, because it hurts. He’s tired of being in pain. Tired of being torn apart by the two people who are supposed to love him the most. Tired of being that small kid who could never pick himself up after a fight.

"What’s going on in your head?" Pandora asks.

Regulus sighs. "I’m just tired."

"Slumber party?" Barty grins, and promptly yelps when Evan cuffs him on the back of the head.

Evan gets up, crossing the room and dropping down next to Regulus. Before he can protest, he’s moved from Pandora’s grip into Evan’s arms, like a child being swapped between parents when they’re inconsolable.

"We’re always here for you, Reggie," Evan says into his hair, where he cradles Regulus’ head against his shoulder. "We’re your best friends. Through thick or thin, we’ve got your back. Okay? If you’re too tired, we’ll fight for you. You just have to tell us what’s going on, otherwise we’re none the wiser and then you’re suffering alone."

Suffering alone.

That’s the story of my life.

Regulus’ mind stalls.

Was, he thinks.

Was the story of my life.

Regulus isn’t alone anymore. He’s got three friends around him, James, his brother.

He’s not alone.

He needs to keep remembering that.

"I know," he murmurs, squeezing Evan back just as tight. "I’m sorry."

"No apologising," Evan chastises softly. "You don’t need to apologise, Reg."

"Though, if you want to make it up to us," Barty adds in from the other side of the room, "then you could give me permission to throat punch the pair of them."

Regulus looks at Barty and glares. "No."

Barty huffs, exaggerated and petulant, rolling his eyes so hard they look like they’ll get stuck in the back of his head.

"Fine," he grumbles. "Should I make cocktails then? I don’t know about you guys, but a porn-star martini would lift my spirits drastically."

"Barty, it’s midday."

"Literally never stopped us before," he shrugs. "Reg, you got the ingredients?"

"That’s a stupid question," Regulus replies.

"Yeah," Evan adds. "Regulus has always got the alcohol. Our own little alcoholic in the making."

"Making? More like made."

"Shh, Bartemius. Just make the drinks."

Barty doesn’t need to be told twice. While he’s making them, Regulus sinks into Evan’s hug like  stone thrown into a river. Pandora strokes his hair, and Evan holds him tight.

It feels good, so Regulus just lets himself feel it.

He’s not alone.

His best friends have proved that.

He just needs to make sure that Barty doesn’t commit a crime against his parents.

— tbc.