Mother's Embrace
”I swear to Godric if I find one more of your dirty socks I’m going to mail them straight to your house!”
”They’re not dirty you prat!” Sirius huffed out indignantly followed by a pillow thrown at James, which failed as James easily swatted the pillow away.
Remus sat on his bed watching his friends bicker as they packed for the Christmas holiday. Remus, who was much tidier than his three dorm mates, had finished packing hours ago and had since entertained himself by watching Sirius innate need to cause chaos.
”Ugh Sirius, just pack your trunk or none of us can manage to catch the train home on time.”
Peter’s whine made Sirius turn his attention to him, his eyes narrowing as he snapped back.
”Wasn’t it you who turned the dorm upside down to find one chocolate frog card?”
James sighed as Peter and Sirius were now glaring at each other and noted Remus' absolute indifference in the situations as he tried to desperately catch his eyes to help dissolve the situation.
”Come on, let's just pack up and then we’ll have enough time to go to the lake one last time before the train leaves.” James announced.
Peter and Sirius moved to their respective sides of the room to continue packing as Remus and James shared a knowing glance and a smile, while the other two continued muttering to themselves while packing.
As Remus stretched his arms his ears perked at Sirius’ bitter mutterings, catching what he was saying without meaning to.
”Easy to say that when you have a home you want to go back to, stupid Peter.”
Remus’ eyes widened slightly as he turned to study Sirius carefully. Did he not want to go home? Surely he’d missed his family and would want to see them.
As he studied Sirius his mind flashed back to the day at King’s cross station, where Sirius had been accompanied by the awfully stiff and scary looking woman who Remus could only assume was Sirius’ mother, which in hindsight would make sense for Sirius to not want to go back to her after her howlers and all, she didn’t exactly seem the pleasant type. Remus thought back to the young boy with a striking resemblance to Sirius – his brother Regulus.
“Sirius, your brother was excited for you to go back home wasn’t he?”
Sirius visibly perked up at Remus’ question as he settled on his unmade bed smiling.
“Yeah, Reg’s been bugging me to tell him all about Hogwarts but I refused to tell in letters, it’s much more enjoyable when I can see his reactions. Besides, he's been sending me letters so often that mother denied him the right to the family owl.”
James and Remus shared an uneasy glance at Sirius’ nonchalance to his mother’s severe actions.
”Your mother sounds like a nightmare.”
Three heads snapped to look at Peter as a deafening silence filled the room. Remus and James looked to Sirius warily, waiting for him to blow up. Sirius was just staring at Peter blankly before a lopsided smile formed on his face and he strided over to give a smack to the back of Peter’s head.
”Right you are, but I wouldn’t say that if you want to keep all your limbs intact.”
Remus wasn’t sure if Sirius was being, well, serious, but he also had enough self preservation in himself to not start unpacking an ancient pureblood family heir’s cryptic threats of what his family was capable of.
“All of you are going to come visit over the holiday, right?” James was ever eager for having his friends over.
“Yup.”
Sirius grumbled, “I’ll have to ask my parents.” while sitting on top of his trunk to make it close.
Satisfied by Peter and Sirius’ answers James turned to Remus who had yet to answer him. With James’ eyes now locked on him Remus felt uncomfortable under his friend’s warm gaze as he knew his father would never let him go.
“I- I’ll ask my Da’ and um try to make it.”
James lit up at Remus’ feeble attempt at assuring him.
“Honest?”
“Honest.”
* * *
The ground was covered in a fresh layer of snow as the four boys trudged towards the lake one last time before heading home for the holidays. James and Sirius separated from Peter and Remus the moment they were outside the castle, running ahead shoving at each other. Remus, whose hip was aching uncomfortably, moved at a much slower pace and felt slightly embarrassed for it. He was only 11 for Godric’s sake. Why was his body so far ahead of him in age, already crumbling apart like an old man?
Remus revelled in the soft crunch of the snow under his boots and the crisp winter air gently blowing against their faces. Peter’s cheeks and nose had already gone rosy from the cold. Remus and Peter made their way down to the lake slowly in comfortable silence, neither of them seeing a reason to speak as they took in the winter scenery before them. The lake was partially frozen, only a few sparse spots in the middle still unfrozen where the black waves ripped as the giant squid would wave its tentacles around.
James and Sirius were already on the shore, plopped down in the fresh snow laughing after having a snowball fight when Peter and Remus reached them. Remus stood next to them, while Peter went to sit down — Remus didn’t fancy getting his trousers wet right before the long train ride.
The four of them stayed in peaceful silence as they watched the giant squid break off pieces of ice and poke them around. Remus liked the time spent with his friends, even the quiet times like this where they could just bask in each other's presence and take in the world around them.
”We should head to the station.” Sirius mumbled but didn’t make a move to stand up.
”Yeah.” James mused while jumping up and extending a hand to Peter and Sirius.
”It’s weird.”
Remus could feel all of their eyes turn to him but he kept his eyes to the lake and continued.
”I never thought I’d even be here and now that it’s time to leave… I don’t want to.”
”It’ll be only a few weeks Remus, no need to be so down.” James clapped a hand on his back gently, flashing him one of his bright smiles.
”Are you going to miss the library that bad?” Sirius snorted as he sidestepped to avoid Remus’ fist connecting with his shoulder.
”Piss off, I was just saying.”
Remus could feel his ears heat up as he quickly moved to make his way to the castle to leave to catch the Hogwarts express to London from the Hogsmeade station, followed by the laughter of his three friends.
The warmth of the compartment wrapped around Remus like a soft worn blanket as he flipped through the pages of his aged muggle book given to him by his mother. James and Peter had been playing chess for hours now across from him whereas Sirius had finally agreed to take a nap, leaning his head on Remus’ shoulder. It had taken Remus multiple attempts and swearing to wake Sirius up before they reached London. He had been concerned for Sirius who had seemingly not slept at all the night before and had been actively fighting sleep, muttering about ’wasting precious time’ under his breath.
Remus glanced outside, noting they were only a few hours away from reaching London before he gently closed his book and tucked it away. He placed a hand on Sirius’ shoulder shaking him slightly causing Sirius to startle awake shooting up in his seat.
”Um sorry mate, we’re a few hours out.”
”Oh, thanks.” Sirius relaxed back to his seat, poking his tongue out at Peter and James who were snickering at his dramatic wake up.
Much too soon the train pulled to the station filled with waiting parents as Remus scrambled to collect his bag and move along the corridor followed by his three friends. The first step out of the train was a bit overwhelming as students and parents ran around everywhere greeting each other and saying goodbyes to friends.
The warm comfort of the train ride was ripped away from Remus like a bucket of ice water poured over him before he had even taken two steps out of the train when a tight grip wrapped itself around his arm. His father was pulling him away, not giving Remus the chance to say goodbyes or even register much of what was happening before he was pulled away and the twisting pull of apparition pulled at his gut and he was standing before the small cottage his parents owned in Wales.
His father ushered him inside where Remus just stood dumbly not sure how to process the whirlwind of emotions going inside him. All that was forgotten when warm arms wrapped themselves around Remus pulling him to an embrace smelling of hyacinths, freshly baked bara brith and cloves.
”Ma.”
”Oh my sweet, precious boy, how I’ve missed you my cariad.”
Remus moved his arms to wrap around his mother, pulling himself closer to her and engulfing himself in her comforting scent. He hadn’t realised quite how much he missed his mother until being back in her arms.
Eventually they made their way to the small living room where Remus plopped himself down on the old worn yellow couch, his mother settling down next to him while his father took the seat across from them. Remus felt his lips pull down the more they sat in the heavy silence, his father’s eyes boring into him. He glanced at his mother who smiled encouragingly at him.
“Da-”
“What do you think you’re playing at?”
Remus was left gaping at his father opening and closing his mouth uncertain what he meant until his father’s booming voice caused him to flinch back and curl in on himself once more.
“Someone like you has no place to be making friends with kids like Potter and Black, Remus! I told you to keep to yourself for your own safety and you disregard me completely.”
“But I-”
“No Remus. You need to distance yourself from them, you cannot trust anyone. Do you understand?”
Remus could feel Lyall’s eyes boring into him as he forced out a quiet ‘yes’ as his mother’s arm came around his shoulders comfortingly and he could hear his father getting up and moving to his study, closing the door with a bang. Tears pricked at his eyes as he sniffed quietly, his eyes locked on his knees.
“Cariad, look at me please.”
Reluctantly Remus raised his head to look at his mother who had come to kneel in front of him. He tracked his eyes over his mother’s face so similar to his own, yet so different. His mother had always been his biggest comfort and when her hazel eyes looked at him with all the love only a mother could offer Remus crumbled into her arms crying into her shoulder.
“Your father means well, he is only worried about what could happen to you if anyone finds out. I know it hurts but you’ll be brave won’t you, cariad?”
Remus nodded against her shoulder before pulling away to wipe at his face with his sleeves. Realistically he knew his father only meant well but he couldn’t help the pull on his heart when he thought of needing to close himself off from his first ever friends. Though in the end he knew that was what he would need to do, his father was already risking his career at the ministry keeping Remus being a werewolf a secret. He could do it, he’d just focus on studying and write home often, it couldn’t be too hard they would tire out of pestering Remus eventually and leave him to his own devices.
“Come on then, let’s get some tea and then you can tell me all about Hogwarts.”
Remus followed his mother into the kitchen, excited to tell her everything about his time at school and the people he’s met, his father’s harsh words and the reality of his situation pushed to the back of his mind for another time.
December 31st
Remus,
I’m not sure if James has already told you but I won’t be making it out of the house. Mum’s monitoring everything I do, even banned me from using the owl. Reg’s been sneaking letters for me but I don’t think we can do it anymore without getting caught.
Anyway I hope you have a good break, I’ll be fine it’s just rather boring here. Can’t wait to see you again!
Sirius
* * *
Remus!
Did Sirius write to you too? If not; he won’t be able to come visit, his mother is keeping him hostage. But Pete will be coming over after Christmas you’re still invited if you want to come too! Mum and Dad really want to meet you too. It’s great to be back home, I really missed flying freely but it gets a bit lonely not having you lads around. My mum is planning this huge dinner party and she’s banned me from the kitchen, apparently I don’t possess an aptitude for baking.
Mum and Dad said you’re welcome to come by anytime so just send an owl! I hope you have a great time at home. Do you think we’ll get snow for Christmas? I hope so, it’s much more magical that way don’t you think.
See you soon,
James
* * *
Hi Remus!
I hope you’ve had a great break. We went to visit some family friends in Austria. It was really pretty there, I think you’d like it. Are you going to be able to make it to James’? I’ll be there after Christmas, will you be coming too? I hope so, it'd be great to see you again, my sister isn’t as fun of a company as you guys are.
I hope I’ll see you soon!
Peter
* * *
James,
Sorry I won’t be able to come visit. Happy holidays.
Remus
* * *
Remus and his father had been skirting around each other ever since his first day back home after the fight. Remus knew his father was right in the sense that if the fact that he was infected with lycanthropy would be discovered it could be disastrous for him and his family, but for the first time in his life Remus had friends and he didn’t want to let these friends go. After over a week of petty arguments and ignoring his father Remus had agreed to distance himself from his friends as the guilt of disappointing his parents weighed down on him. He refused to fully ignore them but he knew he needed to be more careful if he wanted to be able to keep attending Hogwarts.
Remus spent most of his time trudging outside in the snow, throwing snowballs at trees and watching them splatter on impact. He tended to wander to the nearby village and trudge the streets, stopping to look at shop windows when something caught his fancy or watch as families did their shopping and teens loitered in alleyways smoking or snogging in secret. Other times Remus would take to the forest behind their small cottage at the outskirts of the town, wandering between the trees and settling down on the edge of a creek with rapid flowing water, listening to the sounds of the water lapping relentlessly against stones. Remus had always found calm in nature, he figured with the wolf inside of him a part of him always craved the embrace and freedom of nature. The other part of Remus craved the city — a life he couldn’t have, for it was far too risky for them to settle for a life in a big city like London. Remus — though he felt a twinge of guilt in thinking so — envied Sirius for getting to live in the bustle of London surrounded by people and many places to see and explore.
The sun was beginning to set as Remus picked himself up, dusting his clothes from snow, and began his journey back through the woods. The woods were littered with frequented walking paths that Remus followed while stuffing his hands deep in his pockets to keep them warm and kicking the loose snow every now and then. After a good ten minutes of walking he diverged from the path following back his own footsteps in the snow that led him straight to their garden at the edge of the forest. Remus stopped for a while hiding himself in the shadows of the trees as he watched through the window how his mother and father were laughing and dancing together around the kitchen setting the table for dinner. A part of Remus always felt guilt for what his lycanthropy meant for his parents, the worry and pain it caused them having to watch their child go through it month after month. His mother would chastise him if she knew the thoughts going through his head — it brought a small smile to Remus’ lips. Despite everything, he was surrounded by love.
James and Peter kept a steady flow of letters coming Remus’ way that he’d answer with short and curt answers, enough to not make them worried but not enough to give away anything consequential. His father had tried sending some of the letters back, which ended in him getting pecked by an angry owl until the letter was in Remus’ hand and he had given the owl one to deliver back. Remus treasured the letters, reading through them every night before sleeping, lingering on the one letter he had from Sirius. He’d trace the delicate curve of the letters etched in black ink with his eyes — he found Sirius’ handwriting comforting to look at, reminding him of the plethora of notes the other boy took for him during his monthly absences — worry for Sirius gnawing at the back of his mind.
He tucked the letters back to the top drawer beside his bed and turned to face the wall. Tomorrow would be a full moon. Remus’ first one back home after Hogwarts. After the bit of freedom the shack provided him, being back in the small basement chained to the wall made his skin crawl. He knew it was for his safety and everyone else's safety, yet he still wished every time that there’d be another way to spend the full moons safely. Remus always found it hard to fall asleep in his room the night before a full. His mind took him back to the night it all changed for him and his family, remembering the hulking form of a wolf and the sharp yellow eyes staring straight at him before all he could remember was pain. He burrowed himself further into the blankets willing his mind to not wander, to just fall asleep and not linger on the past.
His mother wouldn’t leave his side the next day, making sure he was eating and as comfortable as he could be. Remus was grateful for it, his mother’s presence made it easier but it also made him aware how the hours leading to the transformation were so much harder for his mother than him. Remus tried to put a brave front for her, to ease her mind but she saw right through him, looking at him with eyes full of love and sorrow before letting Remus bury his face in her shoulder and cry as much as he needed.
The basement was warded to keep others safe from Remus and to keep the sounds of the wolf inside. Remus was sitting on the floor gnawing at his bottom lip and fiddling with an old frayed blanket his mother had brought for him as he waited for his father to finish the last of the spells. Hope opened the small window near the ceiling to let the cool night air in, ’for you cariad’ she’d always say, yet Remus knew it was for the wolf. She came over to hug Remus one last time for the night, pulling him to her warm embrace before leaning back and adjusting the chained collar, charmed to adjust as he transformed, around his neck and running a hand through his hair pushing it away from his face.
”Ma, it’s fine. I’ll be fine.”
”I know cariad, I just- I hate to see this.”
Tears pricked at Remus’ eyes as he swallowed against the knot forming in his throat.
”You should go now. I- it’s going to start soon.”
Remus could feel the pain start pulsing through his body as he gritted his teeth and squeezed his eyes tight to not see his mother and father move up the stairs glancing his way all the way to the door and leave him alone for one more night alone with the wolf. His gums itched and ached, muscles spasming painfully as he finally let himself succumb to the pain and cried out in agony knowing his parents wouldn’t be able to hear his pained cries as the transformation broke and reformed his body.
* * *
The wolf yanked against the chain limiting its movements, whining pitifully trying to force its way closer to the open window and the night breeze. It could hear the small creatures of the night scuttling in the snow and the wind brushing against the trees just out of reach.
The wolf hated it. Hated being chained again, yearning for the freedom of moving around. It had gotten that freedom briefly yet was now back to the chain around its neck. It was stifling but it also brought back the familiar scent it had yearned in the shack. It was the smell of its pack just out of its reach but there again for it.
As the night stretched longer the wolf grew ever more agitated by the minute, clawing and biting at the chain, the floor and walls, itself. It wanted its pack. The wolf wanted to hunt and run under the moon. It wanted freedom.
* * *
Remus woke to the unmistakable taste of blood in his mouth and a searing pain on his cheek. He moved to raise his hand to his cheek but was stopped by a warm hand wrapping around his.
”Cariad.”
Remus blinked to clear his vision and head, registering the trickle of magic flowing around him and his mother kneeling next to him, holding him close in her lap. Remus turned his head slightly, his eyes falling on his father kneeling on the other side of him, wand held over him rapidly whispering spells to ease his pain and fix what needed to be fixed.
”It’s alright cariad, rest.”
Remus let his mother’s gentle touch and comforting warmth succumb him to the rest his body yearned for.
The second time Remus woke that day was in his own bed with the sun filtering through the curtains casting a gentle glow to his bedroom. Physically he didn’t feel too bad, the only notable things his fuzzy mind caught on was the dull throbbing on his cheek and the dryness of his throat. He moved himself up carefully, testing his limits before successfully padding across the hall to the bathroom to grab some water. Remus gulped down the water, placed his glass on the side of the sink and straightened up, coming face to face with his reflection in the mirror.
For a while he just stared at himself. The messy tawny waves piled atop his head falling over his eyes slightly. His nose, too big for his face, a feature he shared with his father. The light smattering of freckles across his nose and cheeks faded by the winter months. His eyes, the same shape as his mother’s but a striking amber colour with specks of green if you looked close enough. And then the long fresh scar across his cheek, running from near the bottom of his left eye to his jaw, red and angry on the edges. Remus’ breath caught as he raised a shaking hand to run a finger across the scar now marring his face. He was no stranger to scars, his body littered with deep and shallow, long and small all across his body. But this was the first scar he wouldn’t be able to hide, a mark that would turn eyes his way and draw unwanted attention. He was brought out of his stupor by his mother’s gentle voice from the doorway.
”Cariad.”
Her eyes were filled with sadness yet so much love for the son Remus felt he could never be. He hadn’t realised he was crying before his mother was wiping the tears off with gentle hands and pulling him to a soft embrace.
”It’s okay, you’re okay. My sweet handsome boy.”
By the time Remus was to head back to Hogwarts the scar on his cheek had faded notably, the redness gone leaving it a light pink shade as it faded more on its way to turning pale and silvery like the rest of his scars. Remus picked at the frayed sleeve of his jumper as he waited for his father to bring out his trunk and apparate them to King’s Cross station. They shared last hugs and goodbyes with Hope before they were apparating to the bustle of London leaving the quaint lands of Wales behind them. Before Remus could move to board the train he was stopped by his father’s hand curling on his shoulder, a soft and careful touch.
”Remus… Be careful.”
”I will Da’ I promise.”
Remus was pulled to a short tight embrace by his father before he pulled away and ushered him on the train leaving Remus standing in the stairs of the train baffled and a little lost before a fifth year student shoved him forward and told him to move along. It took Remus a good few minutes to manage his way towards the compartment he and his friends had used since the first time on the train, weaving around people and giving soft apologies when bumping shoulders or trunks with others. Finally a little sweaty and winded Remus pushed open the door to the compartment and was welcomed with three bright smiles that quickly faltered as they saw his face.
”Remus! Yo- What happened?”
Remus decided to ignore James in favour of putting his trunk up and settling on the seat next to Sirius before taking a deep breath and looking up to meet the concerned and curious eyes of his friends, shrugging and offering a lopsided smile.
”An accident.”