Chapter 1
You looked up to Natasha. Since you two became friends you started to realise how strong she really was. All of her past burdening her, but that didn’t stop her from saving every life she can. Your past was nothing compared to hers. That’s why you hid your scars from her. You know she wouldn’t judge you for anything but it’s not like you’ve been trained to be a killer from a young age.
Your parents died when you were 8, your aunt and uncle, Tony’s parents, took you in (reluctantly). They couldn’t be good parents to their own son, so you can only imagine how they acted towards a child they didn’t even want and that wasn’t theirs. At the age of 16, you fell into a deep hole of depression. They couldn’t understand your pain so they send you into a clinic. That didn’t help either, so they prescribed you pills to make your (or their) life easier. The side effects were horrible but they didn’t care.
„Throwing up again?“, Tony asked as he walked past you making himself a coffee. „Next time use the toilet“ he snortet. You wiped your mouth turning around to face him, „Tried to but couldn’t make…“ you stopped feeling like throwing up again. „You know I made some research“, he said leaning to the counter next to the sink you were currently half way in. „These pills are bullshit. You don’t know how many people suffer from the same side effects as you do. I read about some people who got off them and never been better before. You should give it a try“ he suggested. Before you could answer him, Natasha walked into the room. You quickly try to make yourself look less like you threw up 1 minute ago.
„Good morning“ she greeted you tiredly. Natasha isn’t a morning person, so you hope she doesn’t notice the state you’re currently in. Oh how wrong you are. „Everything okay? You look like you literally threw up like 5 minutes ago“. „Romanoff you’re a mind reader or something?“ Tony asked amused. You only smack him on his shoulder and walk away „Everything’s fine Nat thank you“ you shout back to her. While walking away you think about the things Tony said. I mean it can’t get any worse. Steve, Bucky and Sam won’t be back in 3 months, Thor is in Asgard, Carol is everywhere at the same time but never here (you haven’t seen her in 6 months). The only people in the compound are Tony, Natasha and Wanda will be back this afternoon. Natasha has a mission tomorrow which should take two weeks, so only Wanda and Tony would be here. You have enough time to come off the pills without anybody noticing.
Wanda knows everything about you, not because you told her but because when your thoughts are too loud she’ll hear them too. One night she came into your room crying thinking you could harm yourself because of these loud thoughts. But you didn’t. You don’t cut anymore, you stopped a few years ago. That doesn’t exactly mean that you found healthy coping mechanisms. You drink, smoke or do anything to take your mind off everything. She found you laying in bed completely drunk. You were vulnerable so you told her everything. The next morning she promised you not to tell anyone and she kept that promise.
Natasha on the other hand doesn’t know anything. Mostly because you have a massive crush on her and you don’t want her to think that you are weak, because you can’t deal with the fact you’ve been neglected as a child. You managed to hide everything pretty well after two years of living together and you don’t want to stop hiding now. You know someday she will find out, but maybe someday you don’t need the pills anymore. Maybe Tony is right. So it’s now or never…
The next day you don’t take your pills in the morning. The two days were pretty normal. On the third day you saw the first physical changes: you didn’t throw up in the morning and you don’t feel tired or cold anymore. Your metal health didn’t change at first. The changes were small, getting out of bed was harder than before and cleaning your room felt like an impossible task to do. But you know it could be like that in the first weeks that doens’t mean that it stays like this.
After one week everything seemed impossible to do, dragging yourself out of bed, took your whole energy for the day but a knock on the door forced you to get up. Light was shining into your dark room when you opened the door. Wanda was on the other side looking worried. „You don’t look good“ she signed. „Well hello to you too“ you replied unbothered. She pushed past you opening your blinds and the windows. You closed the door again and walked into your bed. All your energy for the day is gone, you feel like you can’t stand anymore.
„Have you taken your pills?“ She asked raising her eyebrow. „No I stopped“ you answered, putting the blanked over your body again. She signed frustrated and kneels next to your bed, taking your hand. „You can’t just stop? Why did you stop in the first place?“. „Tony said I should give it a try because of the side effects and...“ „Okay but not like that. With a therapist Y/N!“, Wanda interrupted you. After you don’t answer her she gets up to leave your room again. You don’t mind, wanting to be alone anyway. Just because you sit in this dark hole, doesn’t mean you take her with you. It’s better this way.
But she wasn’t gone for long. A few minutes later she pushed the door open again and made herself comfortable in your bed. You turned around to face her, her face full of worry. You hate that you do that to her, why can’t she just leave? „I made us dinner, well I put leftovers in the microwave but that’s still dinner. Come on we’re going to watch the new season of Greys Anatomy“ she said hopefully. You sit up against the headboard talking one of the plates knowing there is no room for denying her.
You didn’t talk much, you only ate and feel asleep after that. Wanda didn’t except something else from you, she only wanted you to eat something. Eventually she left your room, making sure to pick up the clothes laying on the floor and putting them on the chair. Maybe this will give you enough energy to get out of bed tomorrow she hopes.
And it worked, but not like she wished. When you woke up it was already afternoon and you felt like going out. You even took a shower, the thoughts of vodka soda in that downtown bar giving you the strength to do so. After you finished you put your clothes on, grabbing your purse and walking out. You met Tony on your way out, asking where you’re going. „Out“ you shouted to him walking through the front door of the compounds. That’s how you ended up here completly drunk on your third (or fifth you forgot to count) vodka soda. The bar is small but cozy, filled with young people. You don’t talk to them like you usually do. Today was just about getting drunk which was obviously a success by now.
Wanda on the other hand wasn’t happy when Tony told her you went „out“. When you didn’t pick up your phone she took the car driving to the place you always are. She found you half asleep on the bar, mindlessly listen to something the barkeeper was telling you. She wordlessly grabbed your arm and shoved you out of the bar into the car. The first time she speaks up is when she stops at a red traffic light. „I booked an appointment with Dr Smith for you tomorrow at 11“. You looked at the light turning green without answering her. She abruptly stopped the car, grabbing your face with her hands. „You are going to talk to her, did I make myself clear? I get that you don’t want to take these pills anymore so you and Dr Smith are going to find an alternative. But this“ she said frustrated gesturing wildly at your drunken form „isn‘t an alternative. Okay?“. The only answer she receives is a nod.