Morning Star

James

Effie and Monty arrive at Hogwarts at one, flooing through McGonagall's fireplace, where James and the rest of them (Sirius, Remus, and Regulus) are waiting.

Once they are back home, James goes straight up to his room. Usually, he will stop and talk to his parents about the previous term for a little while, then he will go and visit Mellie. If he's lucky, he'd manage to scrounge some food from her.

He doesn't do that.

Instead, he spends the entire afternoon locked away in his bedroom, wallowing in his own self pity. Sirius still isn't talking to him - unless you count the cruel names he chucks at James whenever he's feeling particularly sour - and Regulus hasn't spoken to him since this morning.

There's always Remus... except, he is most likely consoling Sirius.

So, he remains in his bedroom.

Until there's a trice knock at the door.

"Come in." He waves his wand, undoing the locking charm.

He expects to see his mother or father, maybe even Mellie, and is surprised when Remus walks in. Sirius in tow.

James sits up from where he was lying miserably on his bed so fast, he goes dizzy for a moment. Once he collects himself, he stands from the bed and stands awkwardly, staring at the two boys opposite him.

"Hello," he says weakly.

Sirius avoids his eyes, whilst Remus sweetly smiles and says hello back.

"We've come because I think you two need to make up," Remus announces. James winces. "Sirius has forgiven Regulus-"

"I have not," he mumbles.

"-and," Remus dutifully carries on, "he has forgiven me for knowing about your..." he sends a cautious look over to Sirius, before saying, "...thing with Regulus."

"For some reason," Sirius mutters.

"So, I think it is only fair that he forgives you too."

"I don't need your forgiveness, Sirius," James says and Sirius finally looks at him. He appears to be surprised, but manages to cover it up with a clench of his jaw. "I don't expect you to forget everything, or to just let it go. I don't expect you to..." James' voice breaks "...to trust me again. I really don't. What I did was just awful and I don't deserve any of it. This isn't me trying to get sympathy either," he quickly adds, "because I really don't deserve any of it. Your forgiveness or your sympathy or your love. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve his either."

James is in full blown tears now. He feels as his face cracks open, leaving him raw and vulnerable, like an open wound. His eyes itch in a burning way, as if someone has just poured itching powder into them. There's snot too. He tries to compose himself, but finds he is not able to.

He attempts to look at Sirius, to try to apologise through his eyes for this undeserved outburst. That he should be listening to Sirius, rather than crying like a small child. However, he finds that - even through his glasses - he can only see blurry shapes. His tears evidently too fierce.

A moment later, he feels someone crash into him, and he thinks maybe Remus is trying to shake some sense into him, or perhaps Sirius has shoved him. Then he feels two safe arms wrap around his shoulders.

He sniffles and catches the scent of leather and books and something that smells distinctly of home.

"Stop fucking doing that, James," Sirius whispers somewhere close to his ear.

"I'm s-so sorry for all the lies-s," he stutters through his continued tears. "I shouldn't h-have betrayed y-your t-t-trust like that. It's-s all my fault... he... he doesn't even l-love me. It w-was a mistake."

Sirius doesn't respond. He holds onto James and does not let go. Not when James snots all over his t-shirt, not when James' cries come to a stop, and not even fifteen minutes later when Remus exits the room.

"I'm sorry," James whispers every two minutes. "I'm so so sorry, Sirius."

After a long while, Sirius pulls away. Some of his hair is sticking to the side of his head and his neck where he must have been pressed against James. His eyes are dry but hold a red tinge to them, like he could start crying any second. His eyelids are still all droopy, just like they have been ever since James woke up after the lake incident.

Sirius takes a step back without looking at James. Then he swallows and slowly whispers, "You're my brother." James feels hope bloom in his chest at the words. "You're my family."

He walks over to the door and pauses once he's reached the doorknob, he gently yanks the door open and turns, finally looking James dead in the eye with those strikingly blue eyes. They're duller now... more grey than blue.

"I don't forgive you."

"I know."

Sirius blinks and inhales, opening his mouth like he might say something else. He seems to decide against it, instead leaving and letting the door close behind him.

James blinks out another tear.

He didn't even know he had any left.

***

Sirius doesn't forgive him, that is true, but he does begin to talk to him again. Well... he says good morning a couple of days after their return and asks James to pass the honey at breakfast.

He takes it as a win.

Regulus on the other-hand hasn't spared so much as a glance his way since they got back, let alone any civil conversations for niceties.

He doesn't know what he's done wrong, except that maybe he came on a bit too strong (he always seems to do that with people) and perhaps Regulus has decided he doesn't want anything to do with James anymore.

Either way, it puts James in a desolate mood for the first week of the Easter holidays. It must show because both his parents and Remus ask him at least twenty times a day if he is ok.

He isn't. He never is anymore.

"I'm fine," he always says anyway.

It's not until their eighth night back that Regulus seeks James out in his room. He's not expecting him. Truthfully, he'd much more expect to see Sirius before he sees Regulus nowadays.

James knows it is him before he even sets foot in the room by the small knock he leaves on the door. The only two people in the house that knock are Regulus and Remus, but Remus' are usually more insistent, whilst Regulus is gentle and polite.

"Come in!" James calls eagerly. Truthfully, he doesn't know what to expect when Regulus opens the door, closing it silently behind him before standing in the middle of James' bedroom without making any move to talk.

"Reggie?" He says, sliding to the edge of his bed in hopes of closing at least some of the distance between them.

Regulus flinches back at the name. He hasn't looked at James yet, his head still hangs low. He looks a bit like a small child who has gotten himself into trouble, waiting for a punishment.

"James," Regulus finally speaks. He sounds broken and small, his voice cracks on his name. "Is it alright if I...?" He gestures to the end of the bed and James nods without hesitation, watching as Regulus cautiously makes his way over and perches on the mattress.

Regulus leaves a large gap between them, too big for James' liking.

"Are you alright?" James asks, not wanting to provoke him in any way. Reggie is barely like this, only when something is really wrong or he is having a bad day.

"I wanted to talk to you," he begins slowly, staring down at James' red silk bedcovers. Regulus takes a deep breath and continues. "I think we should stop."

"Stop what?" James suddenly feels very oblivious, as if he's missed something that is being waved right in front of his face.

Regulus still doesn't look at him and James hates to see him cower like this. He hates that he isn't being his usual, posture-perfect self. He hates that Regulus feels the need to present himself like this in front of him.

"This- us. The deal. It needs to end."

James feels a jolt in his chest, but it isn't a good jolt. Not like the ones normally caused by Regulus. No, this one makes him feel really bad. He lifts his hand to his chest, in hopes of being able to calm his heart.

"What? Why? Regulus, we don't have to..."

"Yes, James, we do." His voice becomes a little firmer, making James sit back, suddenly realising he had been edging forward. "It's not right anymore. We- we both got what we want. There's nothing else to it, James."

I didn't get what I want, James wants to say.

I didn't, because all I wanted was you.

All I want is you, Reggie.

"But we- I don't understand. It's not like... we did it only the once. It was twice. If that's all you really wanted then why didn't you call off the deal after we had already..." James shakes his head feeling... used, or embarrassed. He doesn't really know. His stomach feels uneasy as it turns inside of him.

"It's not fair, James." Regulus finally looks up at him, and James thinks that this is what is unfair. It is unfair that he is being forced to stare into the most suffocating eyes that exist within their universe and he isn't even allowed to gaze wondrously into them. "It's not fair. What we have done, it's ruining your relationship with Sirius, and I know how much he means to you. I don't want to be the person who comes between two best friends. I can see how much it is hurting both of you, not even speaking to each other all week. You're in pain without each other, and I don't want to be the cause of that."

"Reg, you're not." James gulps, trying to unjumble his thoughts and finding he can't. There are too many. "I promise you aren't. Sirius just... he'll come round, he will. I know it. He loves us both and he- he would just want us to be..."

"What?"

"...happy," James finishes, his voice barely above a whisper.

Regulus huffs a laugh. "Happy?" James blinks, unsure what to say. "James... what are you?"

"I- what?" He stutters.

"What are you? To me."

James thinks for a moment. He can't exactly say that he has fallen in love with Regulus, that he dreams of a life shared with him every night, that he has been drawn to him since the moment he set his eyes on him. He cannot say he has fallen for his best friend's little brother who does not like him back, let alone love him. He cannot. 

But what else would he say?

Because Regulus is so much more than his name. He is so much more than Sirius' brother or James' hook-up. He's Reggie. He's James' everything. He wants him to be his infinite number.

"What are you, James?" He asks once more.

"Someone who shows up when you need me," James breathes. "Always, Reggie."

Regulus' gaze flickers between each of James' eyes and James cannot figure out what he is thinking. He thought he had gotten used to understanding Regulus' facial expressions by now.

Maybe this is a mask he has never shown before.

"Well... I don't need you," he whispers.

James watches as Regulus lifts himself from the bed and glides to the other end of the room. Before he can even touch the door handle, James calls out his name. It's only gentle, not even a whisper. A simple breath. Regulus turns to him.

"It's done, James. Please just leave me alone for a while."

James blinks and he's gone. As if he were never there - maybe he wasn't.

***

James finds himself outside of Sirius' door almost an hour later. He cried for eighty percent of said hour, and spent the other twenty percent trying to cover this fact. He doesn't want to frighten Sirius or seem like he is here to seek sympathy from him. All he knows is that he needs him right now, more than ever.

He's been standing in the empty corridor for ten minutes. He isn't sure if he should just go in without announcing himself like he usually would, or if the new distance between them means he should knock. Maybe he shouldn't be here at all - maybe Regulus is in there already.

When James turns away, changing his mind, the door opens, revealing a bewildered Sirius.

"What is it?"

James turns properly to face him and watches as Sirius' face morphs from irritated to concerned.

"I didn't mean to- I didn't want to pry... I'm sorry." He swivels round quickly, wanting to just get back to his bed and his blankets and his fat pillows and hide himself in his own little cocoon.

"James, wait." Sirius reaches out and grabs his wrist gently.

The moment James turns around, he lets out a loud sob and his legs buckle beneath him. Sirius has to catch him before he ends up on the floor with bruised kneecaps. He helps him into his bedroom and sits him on the end of the bed. Sirius crouches down in front of him and places his hands on his knees.

"What happened?"

"He ended it, Sirius. That's it. He ended it and I don't know what to do. I don't- because I can't- I've never felt... He ended it and it... it wasn't even real." James cries out again, scrunching the material of his jumper above his chest hard, willing the pain to end.

"James... James! James!"

He can barely hear anything over the ringing in his ears. Air refuses to fill his lungs, which burn with the urgency of oxygen. He stutters on every inhale, not quite managing it; certainly not enough to be able to exhale. His mind spins at the lack of oxygen and he feels as if he may vomit or pass out. His vision blurs with unshed tears as he fights to find his breath, but he cannot. He can't. His whole body spurs.

"James, in and out. Ok? Slowly."

He blinks and the tears fall, giving him a slightly blurred visual of Sirius. He's telling him to do something. He... wants James to breathe?

He does.

In and out.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

"That's good. Well done, James. That's really good," Sirius says quietly. "Now can you keep doing that for me. Yeah? Good. Thank you."

Once his breathing has settled to what Sirius deems is a healthy pace, he sits on the bed beside him and pulls him into a hug. James goes easily, resting his head against Sirius' shoulder and trying his best not to fall apart again.

"Please tell me what happened," Sirius whispers desperately. "You've never had one that bad before."

"I want to tell you all of it, the truth. You're going to hate me even more than you already do," James mumbles, feeling as more tears roll down his cheeks.

"I could never hate you, James." Sirius squeezes him a bit tighter. "I may detest that you lied to me for months, but I will always love you first before anything. Before anger or fear or hate, I will always love you."

James sobs again, but is able to hold himself together better this time.

"You might reconsider that motto once I've told you everything." He pulls back and allows himself to breathe for a couple of minutes before starting from the beginning.

He tells Sirius about that first time he met Regulus on the train and how he knows he must have liked him even then. He talks about the mornings spent near the lake watching the sunrise. He talks about their first kiss and how Regulus was the one who initiated it - how he had admitted it to James himself. He fills Sirius in on the time all those years ago when he watched Regulus reading in the library, and how he doesn't understand how he could have been so oblivious to his feelings. 

Then, he moves on to tell Sirius about the deal. He knows he has to if he ever wants Sirius to trust him again, to be able to move past this. He knows that Sirius would need the whole truth, so that is what James gives him.

Sirius reacts surprisingly well when James tells him about the deal.

"You're telling me that you and my little brother made a fucking sex deal with a whole contract and everything?"

"Yes," James responds hesitantly.

Sirius stares at him for a moment and James braces himself for whatever is about to come his way. Whether Sirius wants to punch him, curse him, yell at him. Anything.

Instead, Sirius tips his head back and begins to chuckle. He wheezes and wheezes until his face resembles the colour of a plum and then he finally sits back up from where he had fallen backwards on the bed. He wipes what must be invisible tears from his eyes, since James doesn't see any real ones.

"That is the most stupid shit I have ever heard." He starts cackling again.

"Hey! I thought it was a good idea!" James crosses his arms playfully across his chest.

"Oh! Of course it was you who came up with it! Merlin, I just can't believe you got Reg to agree with it. I would have bet my families fortune on him denying you if I had known about it."

"You mean... you're not mad?" 

"No," Sirius snorts. "Like I said, I never had a problem with you and Reg, just the secrets, James. I hate the fucking secrets. You know I'm big on trust. Although, I am feeling a bit disturbed... knowing that you... might have... slept with my baby brother." Sirius pretends to vomit all over the floor, bending over and gagging dramatically.

"Oh, shove off," James pathetically slaps his back. "It was only twice."

Sirius shoots up, back straight and eyes wide. "Twice? Since October ? Seems I really do have nothing to worry about, Prongs."

"What?" James squeaks. "Like you and Moony have done it much more, if at all." James folds his arms and pouts.

"Well, the first time we did was about a week ago, and since then it's been-"

"NO!"

James jumps to try and cover Sirius' mouth but he misses as Sirius squirms away from him whilst giggling.

"We've - done it - twe- TWELVE TIMES!" Sirius yells and it is James' turn to fake vomit all over the floor.

"In my house?! I have been scarred!" James pretends to faint back onto the bed, only for Sirius to jump on him. "Don't get too close," James winks, "Moony might get jealous."

"I think he would understand me taking pity on your pathetic sex life," Sirius nods, squinting his eyes.

"Sorry, but you are not the Black who has my heart."

As soon as the words leave his mouth it all comes rushing back to him, making him feel sick. He tries his best to stop the burning of tears forming behind his eyelids and instead focuses on Sirius.

"Has your heart...? You're in love with him, aren't you?" Sirius gasps, pulling himself away from James and sitting back on the bed.

"I- I don't-"

"Oh, Merlin! No, James." Sirius shakes his head, pity possessing his facial features. "I adore Reg, so much. I love him and he's my brother, but he is a very hard person to love. If you're being serious about this - and no, I am not going to make a joke right now - then you have to be prepared. There are times when he feels so unlovable because it was conditioned into us both at a young age that we do not deserve love, nor should we seek it in others. We are merely here to carry on a bloodline, a legacy. So, he will have days where he won't want to love anyone or be loved, and you just have to show him he is deserving of it."

"I have had years of practice." James wraps an arm around Sirius and smiles softly at him. "You're right," he sighs, his grip loosening slightly, "I do love him. I love Regulus, but I can't. I shouldn't. But I do and I can't help it or go back now. I haven't told anyone else, not even him."

Sirius leans his own head on James' shoulder, giving him as much comfort as possible. Sirius always knows when he needs to be comforted and how much he needs.

"There's one more thing I have to tell you," James' face scrunches up as he cringes at another of his stupid ideas. Though, he supposes it can't have been that stupid, considering the fact it worked.

"Oh, James. Please don't tell me you've made some fake-dating deal with my cousin or something. I don't think I could handle anymore of that."

"No, it's not actually about me... It's about you and Remus."

James proceeds to explain the Remus plan to him, feeling more awful about it as Sirius' facial expressions remain motionless, giving nothing away.

"I know it was a really dumb idea but you were both so... in need of my help, of a little push. I thought it was a better idea than you guys getting too drunk at a party and accidentally confessing your feelings for each other or worse... kissing each other and then regretting it."

"James, I'm not mad. I mean, I wish me and Remus had the sense to find our ways to each other on our own, but you were right, we needed the extra push, and I do not regret a thing." Sirius suddenly grins widely, an impish glint in his eye. "I can't believe you managed to convince Reg into flirting with Remus," Sirius starts cackling again. "That is the funniest shit I have heard since your sex deal!"

"I feel so judged," James says monotonously. "Perhaps I should just go back to my own room and cry into my pillow, all by my lonesome." He sighs dramatically and moves to get up, knowing Sirius is going to stop him before he does.

"Sit your arse back down," he pushes a hand to James' chest and he sits right back down on the bed.

James stares at his friend with a small loving smile. He can't lose Sirius. He just can't. He doesn't know what he would do without him in his life. He knows from now on he needs to be one-hundred percent honest with Sirius, and he plans to be. He doesn't want to give him any further reason to question their friendship.

"I'm really sorry I lied to you, Pads. It is one of the worst things I have ever done."

"I know you are, Prongs." Sirius squeezes him and places a kiss on his temple. "I'll forgive you if only you promise to never lie to me again. Please, I can't deal with not knowing everything about the people I trust the most. It makes me feel-"

"Unsafe," James finishes for him. "I know. I remember you telling me about what it was like living in that house when you were younger. I'm really sorry I made you feel like that again."

Sirius clears his throat and clearly tries to change the subject by asking, "What's the worst thing you have ever done?"

"Let him walk away," James whispers instantly.

"Then we already know what we have to do." Sirius grips his hand, a fierce look in his eye that scares James just a little bit. "You're going to get him back and I'm going to help you."

James shakes his head sadly. "He doesn't want me, Pads."

"Just when I thought you couldn't say anymore stupid shit," Sirius mutters, shaking his head. "Have you seen the way he fucking looks at you, James? Have you paid attention to anything? He literally let you sleep in the same bed as him. He fell asleep wrapped up in your arms."

"So?" 

"For fuck's sake, Prongs, he loves you!" Sirius yells and James just shakes his head. "Do you even know Reg? Did you not listen to all those times I spoke about him in first year?"

"I listened to every word," James says without hesitation, remembering how he always used to soak up every detail about Regulus before he had even met him, eager to learn more about the boy.

"He only ever sleeps with people who make him feel safe. He always used to come to me when he couldn't sleep because having someone with him made him feel protected."

James doesn't react to Sirius' words, not knowing what to believe. Instead, he waits and listens for Sirius to explain himself further.

"You should have fucking seen him when he woke up in that hospital bed. The first person he wanted to see wasn't me, wasn't his friends, wasn't Effie and Monty. He wanted to see you."

"That just can't be true," James whispers.

"But it is, don't you see? Has there really never been a time where you've been alone and you haven't thought about sex stuff? Has there never been a time where you've just been together? Just talked or held each other? Nothing?" Sirius, James is beginning to think, is his and Regulus' biggest fan. He thinks over to the times he saw Reggie in the last few months. Remembering the times he found him in the greenhouse, the times they would simply lay together and Regulus would ask him the question that made his stomach squirm - Tell me a story? - all the sunrises they would watch together. He thinks about all the times Regulus comforted him, when he told him he would be alright, when he supported him, when he called him the sun.

"Of course there were times like that, but that doesn't mean anything. He might just like me as a friend."

"James," Sirius says firmly, sounding frustrated. "I have known Regulus his whole life and I have never seen him as happy as he is when he is with you. When you're with him, he looks so loved. He stares at you like you put the stars in the sky, like you taught him about love. I've never seen him shine so bright when he wasn't with you."

James sobs again and Sirius reels him into another hug.

"He loves you, James. I just know it."

"If that's true, then how am I supposed to get him back?" James cries. "He's so special, Pads. He's so special and I just want him to be happy."

"I want him to be happy too."

James pulls back enough to meet Sirius' eyes. "I promise I'll always tell you the truth, Sirius. I'll never lie to you again."

"Then I forgive you, James." Sirius presses a soft kiss on his forehead, as he wipes away a few stray tears from James' cheeks. "But you need to get my brother back."

"How?" James laughs humourlessly. "He's impossible."

"And yet you say it like it's the most wonderful thing about him," Sirius huffs a laugh.

"It is." He smiles bashfully.

"Come on then. Operation 'get Reg back' is in action," Sirius grins. "I think you should go and talk to him first. Maybe don't touch him too much at first he-"

"Doesn't like to be touched without asking," James finishes with a small smile. "I know, don't worry."

"Ok, good," Sirius says swiftly. "He likes attention, even if he pretends he doesn't. So, once he does eventually allow you to be within five feet of him, shower him with it. Give him attention like a man starved of it."

"Ok," James nods. "When should I go and speak with him?"

"Now," Sirius pulls back and pushes James to standing. "Go on!" He slaps James on the butt and he yelps in response. "Go get him!"

"Ok, Merlin, Pads."

James carefully shuts Sirius' bedroom door behind him, aware of how late it now must be based on the darkness bleeding through the windows in the hall. Mellie has lit a few candles that hang from the walls, creating shadows to play with each other on the floor.

He expertly avoids the creaky floorboard that he knows sits two feet away from Regulus' bedroom door. He knows this house better than he knows the back of his hand after spending his entire life living in it.

Gently, he knocks on the door, but does not get a response. He knocks a second and a third time, but still gets no answer. Thinking that Reggie could just be asleep and not avoiding him - he hopes not - he slowly opens the door just enough to check on him. When he looks over at the large bed in the centre of the black room, he notices the it is empty. 

He furrows his eyebrows in confusion and closes the door again, going back to Sirius' room.

"That was quick. Go that bad?" Sirius asks as soon as James returns.

"No," he shakes his head, sitting back beside Sirius. "He wasn't in there."

"Where else could he be?" Sirius questions.

James shrugs and he feels completely put-out. Sirius had hyped him up to the point he wasn't only nervous, but determined. Now, however, he's back to feeling mildly hopeless.

"I'll be right back," Sirius says. He moves over to the door and disappears behind it. 

James sits in silence for a minute, or maybe a year. He has no idea. Sirius returns quickly, he thinks.

"Did you find him?"

Sirius nods and makes his way back over to the bed. He settles beneath the covers, so James follows him, knowing Sirius will probably let him sleep in here tonight because he needs the comfort.

"He's in with Remus."

James jolts back up from where he was lying on the bed. "What? Why?"

Sirius chuckles and pushes him back down. "Settle down, there's no need to be jealous. They're both sleeping, with a reasonable amount of space between them. Don't worry." James almost laughs as Sirius snuggles into his side, wrapping his arms around James' waist.

"They aren't even friends."

Sirius just shrugs.

"This isn't a reasonable amount of room, Pads."

"Yeah, but you're my brother and I'm not into incest, thanks."

James does laugh then, before turning off the lights with his wand (since he can finally use magic outside of school now) and falling asleep, curled up with his best friend.

He thinks of Regulus before he falls asleep.

In his dreams, they are always together.

***

Regulus

During the first week back after the lake incident, Regulus avoids James at all costs. It breaks him to do it, to see James mentally reach out for him whenever they are in the same room as each other. He knows it's for the best though. 

Every single night he has had to cast a silencing charm around his room. Technically he isn't of age to use magic outside of Hogwarts yet, but it isn't like anyone from the Ministry is going to come and arrest him. He's had to... he keeps having nightmares of that day. Waking up wrapped in his blankets, suffocating him, stealing his breath. He wakes up screaming, gasping for air, his sight lost to him. He wakes up in the empty darkness and he's suddenly back in the bottom of that lake.

He knows he could easily seek out Sirius to help comfort him, but he's been sneaking Remus into his room every other night and Regulus doesn't want to ruin that for him. He could go to James, but no. That wouldn't work. He can't just sleep in James' bed and then ignore him during the day, that wouldn't be fair.

Still, he's beginning to break. He knows he can't go on like this much longer.

What makes it all worse is the hope in James' expression every time he enters a room that he is in. The hope that today will be the day Regulus starts talking to him again.

He's decided he needs to talk to James, it's time. It is unfair to keep him suffering in the silence, he should know where Regulus is now standing. He should know that he does not want to keep Sirius and James separate anymore. That he never wanted that. He wishes he could have them both, but that is impossible.

Once he's visited James, he leaves the room feeling broken and does not know where to go. He finds himself pacing in the living room ten minutes later. He never used to pace, that was more Sirius' thing, needing to move about. Regulus is more the sort of person who would fidget or bite his lip. Now, however, he cannot seem to stop.

He paces and paces and ends up stopping in front of the fireplace. There is a picture on top of the mantle, it's of James, Sirius, Remus, and Regulus. He assumes it's from the previous summer, sometime after he ran away. 

Remus is sitting in some shadows under the willow tree in the garden, a book in hand, but he isn't paying attention to it. His eyes are set on Sirius, who is creeping up behind Regulus, ready to surprise him. Regulus, who stands none the wiser, has a small, satisfied smile on his face that points upwards towards the sun. His eyes are closed and he seems at peace, that is until the Sirius in the picture makes his way over to him and shatters that peace, making him burst into a fit of giggles instead. Then, there is James. James who is watching from the side-lines, much like Remus is. Only, his gaze is not on his best friend. He is not smiling mischievously at Sirius or what he is about to do. He is not looking at Remus with a fondly exasperated look.

No.

His eyes are set on Regulus. There's a dopey smile on his face, and his eyes look like there are stars twinkling in them. His smile turns into an elated grin as soon as Regulus begins to giggle and a small blush settles across his cheeks.

This was before everything.

Regulus lifts a hand to touch it and then thinks better of it. He wouldn't want to ruin it.

 "I remember that day."

Regulus turns around, abruptly coming face to face with Monty, who is smiling down kindly at him. 

"Don't you? It was lovely. It had rained the night before, so the sun was not too extreme and there was that nice smell in the air. If you look closely," he picks up the photo, handing it to Regulus and pointing, "you can just about see some rain droplets still falling from the tree."

Regulus watches as a small droplet falls on Remus' book and another splashes against James' glasses. He smiles.

"I remember."

"These sort of days are my favourite," Monty says and places the photo back in it's place. "When everyone is together and happy. I really am so very glad that you came to us, Regulus. That you have accepted your place in our family that has been waiting for you ever since the first day James met Sirius."

"Thank you, Mr Potter. I am very grateful for everything you and Mrs Potter have done for me."

Monty chuckles lightly and takes a seat on one of the armchairs by the fireplace, gesturing for Regulus to take the one opposite. "Please, you know to call us Monty and Effie by now, my boy. We don't like formalities much in this house."

Regulus smiles politely and sits himself down.

"Now, I know something is worrying you. Did something happen between you and James? You both seemed so happy when we saw you at Christmas. Of course, I understand you have been through a terrible ordeal in the time since then, but I had personally hoped it hadn't taken a toll on your relationship."

Regulus sits, frozen. 

How could Monty know? He hadn't told anyone, neither had James. Or had he? Maybe he had cracked since they got home or at Christmas. Maybe his mum knew everything as well.

"How?"

"I may be old, Regulus, but I am not blind yet." Monty smiles brightly behind his beard and it so closely resembles James' - which he has not seen for days - that it almost brings tears to his eyes. "I see how you two look at each other, so does my wife. No one looks at another person the way my son looks at you, nor the way you look at him, without feeling a deep adoration for them."

"We- we're not... together," Regulus says quietly, looking down at his folded hands. "Not anymore."

Monty reaches out a hand, "May I?" Regulus nods and Monty takes hold of his hands in his own, making Regulus look up at him. "I don't know what happened between you two, nor what will happen, but can I thank you for making my son as happy as you have? In all the years since he has been born, he has been joyous and happy, he's never complained. Still, I've never seen him glow as much as he does around you."

Regulus feels as a tear falls. He doesn't flinch as Monty wipes it away before leaning in and wrapping him up in a warm hug. This is all it takes for Regulus to break.

"I am so sorry that whatever you had has ended," Monty says quietly. "I hold out hope that this is not the end, however. It is clear my son loves you, even if he has not yet said it."

Regulus stiffens immediately.

No.

No...

No.

There is no way James Potter loves him. Absolutely not. It is impossible. There is no way.

Regulus does not believe himself to be worthy enough to be the person who James Potter falls in love with. He does not believe himself lucky enough to have fallen for the one person who may just love him back.

But no, he can't.

He doesn't.

"I know you may not believe it now. You and Sirius have not been dealt many good hands over the years, but I promise you I wouldn't lie to you about this, Regulus."

Monty pulls back and Regulus scrubs his face with his hands.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to."

"Never apologise for your feelings, Regulus. I apologise for anyone who ever told you it was not appropriate to have emotions. I am sorry."

"It's not your fault," Regulus mumbles. "You're the best dad I've ever met."

"Thank you, Regulus." Monty slaps his hands on his knees and sighs. "Well, I should probably head up to bed now. I'm shattered, my boy. I hope you have a good sleep. Know that you can always come to myself or Effie, or any of the boys, before having to resort to a silencing charm."

Monty walks away, leaving Regulus shocked.

Regulus gives himself a few moments before he goes back upstairs. He knows he can't sleep alone tonight, it's been too many sleepless nights. He needs someone next to him to either subdue the nightmares or to wake him up if he's having one, rather than screaming himself awake.

He makes his way to Sirius' door, preparing to knock, when he hears laughter from inside. He presses his ear up to the wooden door and listens to Sirius' relentless cackle as well as... James' bright laughter. 

Regulus moves backwards quickly. 

He can't be that upset about them coming to an end, can he?

Monty must have been wrong.

Now that Regulus thinks about it, James hadn't followed him once he left his bedroom. He hadn't said much either. Now, he's laughing with his best friend, who until before had been mad at him and ignored him for over a week. 

Regulus was right and now Sirius and James were apparently friends again.

They can't be together and James doesn't love him.

He doesn't love him.

Regulus finds himself outside of Remus' door before he knows how he even got there. He brings up his fist and gently knocks it against the white, paint-chipped wood.

"Come in," Remus calls.

Regulus opens the door cautiously before slipping in soundlessly and closing it behind him. He makes his way straight over to Remus, who sits up in his bed with a bewildered look on his face.

"Reg?"

"I'm sorry, I know we're not really friends and we haven't talked much but I..." He cuts himself off, not sure how much he should share with Remus. Like he said, they don't really know each other much, they aren't friends.

"Are you ok?" Remus asks with concern. "You can talk to me... I won't tell Sirius."

"Is it alright if I sleep in here with you?" He questions so quietly, he cannot hear it himself. So, he is surprised when Remus pulls back the covers enough for him to crawl inside. 

They lay far apart from each other, but close enough that Regulus can hear Remus breathing. Neither of them talk. Remus doesn't question him, doesn't force him to explain himself. He doesn't move closer either, careful not to touch Regulus. He is thankful for this, knowing he would not be able to cope with any physical contact at the moment.

Before he knows it, he drifts off into a deep and easy sleep. He hasn't found it in himself to fall asleep this quickly for days.

In the morning, he wakes up to the sound of birds chirping rather than his own screams. He wakes up wrapped around a warm body instead of his blankets suffocating him. 

Confused, he blinks the sleep out of his eyes before opening them properly. He gazes at his surroundings, not sure where he is. He's never been in this room of the house before. It isn't Sirius', it isn't James', and it sure as hell isn't his own.

He looks down at where he has his arms looped around a long torso and seeing that his head had been resting on someone's chest. When he tries to move, he realises that this person has their arms around his shoulders too. He looks up and the first thing he sees is a sleeping Remus Lupin.

Regulus inhales sharply, jumping a little at the unexpected form. His memories of last night come back to him.

James, the end, Monty, James and Sirius, Remus.

Oh...

He can't find it in himself to move as it all comes rushing back to him, so he just rests his head back on Remus' chest, listening to his rhythmic breathing. It soothes him almost back into sleep.

"Morning," Remus croaks, making his chest rumble.

Regulus jumps back, removing his arms from around the boy, but Remus doesn't make any effort to unloop his own.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have- I kind of sleep-"

"All over the place?" Remus chuckles quietly. "Don't worry, I'm used to it with Sirius."

"Still, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come here last night. I just... needed someone there. Sirius had James in his room," he mumbles the last part.

"Sirius and James?" Remus says, sounding confused. "Thank Merlin, they've probably finally made up." Remus pulls on Regulus subtly, but enough for Regulus to move back down to his chest. They lay there for a little while, bathing in the satisfying silence of the morning, the only sound coming from the birds and the almost silent music in the kitchen below.

"Do you want to talk about why you needed someone? You don't have to, Reg, but I am here if you ever need to talk. Even if Sirius is my boyfriend, I don't have to tell him everything," Remus promises and Regulus, surprisingly, finds himself wanting to tell Remus everything.

He explains about the nightmares he's been having and becomes abruptly aware that Remus is the first person he's told about them. Remus listens quietly, only nodding or making sounds of agreement when necessary. He doesn't pity him or force him into saying anything more than he feels comfortable sharing. 

"I'm sorry you have to go through that," Remus says evenly once Regulus is finished. "If you ever need someone again and Sirius or James are ever unavailable, you can always find me."

"Thank you, Remus." He feels a tear in his eye and blinks it away, not allowing it to fall. "I'm fine though. Besides, it's no full moon."

Remus tenses beneath him and Regulus smiles to himself. He settles his face into something empty and then looks up innocently. 

"What do you mean?" Remus asks, sounding breathless. Regulus can feel his heart pounding away in his chest.

"I won't tell anyone, but I've known for a few months."

"Known what?" Remus gives nothing away through his facial expressions or his voice, but Regulus can still feel how his heartrate picks up.

"You're a werewolf, but it's fine. It's not like I'm going to judge you or hate you for it because it isn't who you are. I think the last twelve hours are proof of that. There's no need for you to lie, Remus, your secret is safe with me."

Remus' expression immediately turns into something close to fear, but not quite. "Did James tell you?"

"No. I worked it out myself." He smiles before nuzzling back into Remus' chest, showing he really could not care less.

Remus' heart slowly returns to it's normal pace. "Thank you... for not telling anyone. I would understand if you did, I'm dangerous."

"Oh, shut up. I've watched you wilt under someone flirting with you. You are no more dangerous than I am."

"About that," Remus says and Regulus groans, causing him to laugh. "I just want to know why."

So, Regulus tells him all about James' little plan and how fucking humiliating it was. He grimaces when retelling the story, remembering how painful it was to do in the first place, never mind explaining it to the person who had been on the receiving end of it.

"I'm not going to lie, I was fucking terrified that you liked me for a moment there," Remus chuckles nervously. "Not that there is anything wrong with you, I just happen to like your brother."

"Don't worry, I'm not offended," he reassures him. "Besides, you're not exactly the first person on my list either."

Remus raises an eyebrow and smirks. "I didn't see it coming, you and James. Well, not before last summer. I have to admit, I knew then, or I had my suspicions. He always used to be staring at you when you first moved in, like he couldn't believe you were actually there, or like he was afraid you would go back."

Regulus wants to curl in on himself. He doesn't want to think about James right now, not after...

"Well, that doesn't matter now, I ended things with him last night."

"What?" Remus sits up, knocking them apart.

"He didn't seem that upset... I heard him laughing in Sirius' room right after." Regulus shrugs and starts fiddling with a bit of thread that has come undone from Remus' blanket.

"Before I ask you any questions about that, I want to ask, would you like to talk about this? We don't have to, Reg." 

"No, not right now," he whispers. Regulus smiles sadly and then looks up to meet Remus' eyes. "You know, other than my friends, you and Sirius are the only people who call me Reg."

"Am I not your friend?" Remus smiles softly at him, not seeming effected by Regulus not wanting to talk about James.

Regulus smiles back and says almost silently, "Of course you are."

"I am honoured," Remus' smile turns into a grin. "Now, come on. I'm bloody starving, Effie has just set the table and there are pain au chocolats."

"How could you possibly know that?" Regulus questions, shaking his head.

"Wolf senses," Remus winks and gets up from the bed, making his way straight to the door. "You coming, Reg?"

Regulus grins to himself, to Remus, and then laughs out loud. He makes his way to Remus' side and says, "Only you, Lupin."

"I thought we were on a first-name basis now, Black," Remus says, knocking their shoulders together.

"Since you call me Reg, technically we're on a nickname basis... Rem."

Remus chuckles and shakes his head. "Fine, but only you can call me that."

"Great. Let's go to breakfast, Rem."