Just the way you are
Drowning isn't cold; it doesn't make you feel broken. People write scenes like these in books where the characters are drowning and they always always describe it as that. Cold and broken. Though, Regulus supposes, most - if not all - of those authors have never experienced what it's truly like to drown.
It's like being on fire.
Every nerve, every cell. Burning.
Singed. And ablaze. And scolded.
The water fills your lungs where air should be, stealing your breath, filling your brain. It's all panic.
Panic
Panic
Panic
No relief.
You don't have a second to think, to react, to figure a way out of this. There is nothing else but the tumbling, all-consuming water. Swallowing you. Eating you like a flame consumes wood.
It's panic
panic
panic
that Regulus feels when his brother replies.
"You."
Regulus blinks, staring up at Sirius with wide eyes.
Did James tell him?
How else could Sirius know?
Unless... someone else knows.
"Who-"
"Mulciber," Sirius answers before Regulus can even finish his sentence. "Said he saw you-" he grimaces. "Anyway, it doesn't matter now. I don't want to talk about that. We're not going to talk about that."
Regulus swallows. He knows when not to push Sirius. This is one of those times.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"About...?" Regulus asks, confused. Sirius has just said he doesn't want to talk about James.
His brother looks at him with an incredulous look. "You almost died, Reg."
Oh.
That.
He'd almost forgotten about that.
"Oh."
"I don't want to push you," Sirius goes on, "but if you don't answer my questions, you'll only be faced with the questions of others. I asked Pomfrey to give you the chance to talk to me first. Thought it might be easier for you."
Regulus stares down at his hands for a moment and then, knowing Sirius is right, turns back to his brother.
"What do you want to ask me then?"
"What the fuck happened, Reg? I know you. You're small, but you're smart. Even against those three gorillas, you'd have the upper hand." Sirius scoots further onto the bed, leaning into his side. Sharing the warmth he's always seemed to possess naturally. "So tell me. How the fuck did you end up in that lake?"
Regulus flinches accidently.
Unfortunately, he remembers exactly what happened. A part of him wishes it had been washed from his brain, or drained out along with the lake water.
"-didn't I tell you, lads? Knew he'd be here."
"I-"
Regulus spins around, grin dissipating from his face at the sight of Mulciber, Avery, and Wilkes. "What are you following me now? How flattering."
"I was-"
"Waiting for your boyfriend? How queer." The boys behind Mulciber snicker at his words, acting as if he's just said the funniest thing in the world. Regulus stumbles backwards, not having expected that. Because how could Mulciber know? They've been so careful...
"Reg?"
"Ossio Dispersimus," Mulciber hisses. Regulus notices for the first time that Mulciber has his wand pointed at him. One moment his bones are there, then the next... they're not. Gone. Stolen. He collapses, not having the ability to hold himself up. To defend himself.
"Regulus? Reg!"
Not being able to stop when Avery calls out "Levicorpus" and he feels the ground be ripped from under him as he floats in the air, limbs dangling like that of a doll or a dead body.
Let me go.
Stop it.
Let me go.
But for some reason, he can't shout.
He feels something begin to soak through his clothes, flooding him, swallowing him whole. For a moment he thinks - prays - that it's them lifting the spell. Until the world starts to splash above him, lifting away. Disorientating. And his breath is no longer a breath. No longer breathing. But choking.
Choke.
Choke.
Choke.
"Regulus? Stop- you're ok. You're fine. Safe-" Sirius comes back into view, and for a moment, Regulus has no idea where he is.
But he knows if Sirius is here, he can't be in the lake.
No.
Because he was all alone down there.
No Sirius.
No James.
No no one.
"I- Sorry," he chokes out. He finds that his hands are clawing at his chest, begging for it to bless him with air. "Sorry."
"No. It's fine. You're fine." Sirius rubs soothing circles on his back, half pulling him into a hug. "Fuck Pomfrey. Fuck Dumbledore. If you can't say it- if you don't want to think about it then don't. I won't make you. No one will."
"Ok," Regulus croaks. Feeling, embarrassingly, as tears begin to form in his eyes.
"I'll protect you. I will."
"Ok," he repeats.
***
Eventually, Sirius lifts himself up and off the bed, insisting that he has to get Madame Pomfrey now. To make sure Regulus is in fact alright.
When Sirius returns, he expects the Medi-witch to follow in behind him. What Regulus doesn't expect is to see Effie and Monty there too.
Effie makes her way to his side immediately, leaning down to press a small kiss to his forehead. He jumps away slightly, still not used to her affection. Or any affection really. She doesn't seem offended by this though, only stroking his hair gently when he looks up at her.
"Hello, dear." She smiles sweetly down at him and he swears he can physically see the warmth in her eyes. "How are you feeling?"
"Umm... fine." He realises this might sound a bit rude, and Effie is so kind, so he elaborates. "Better than I was the last time I was awake," he chuckles dryly.
Effie only continues to smile softly at him. "We've been waiting for you to wake up. Just to make sure you're right as rain before we leave."
"Oh," he says. It feels strange having someone like Effie in his life. Someone so bold and open with her emotions. Someone so caring and sweet and thoughtful. Especially when Regulus grew up deficient of all those things. "I feel better."
"I'm glad to hear that," Pomfrey cuts in, coming in from the other side of his bed. She checks him over, seeming satisfied by the end. "You should thank your brother."
"Sirius." Regulus turns to the boy in the corner who's standing with Monty.
"He wouldn't give up on you, not even when your heart stopped."
He wouldn't give up on you.
Wouldn't give up.
On you.
"My heart stopped?"
"Yes," Pomfrey frowns, keeping her eyes soft. "But that doesn't matter now. You're brother got it kicking again." She smiles down at him, eyes squinting into two wrinkled slits. "And from what I've seen, you should be all set to leave by the end of the day."
"Really?" Sirius beams, suddenly perking up.
"Really," and at that, she scurries away.
"That's fantastic," Monty says, clapping his hands together. "Means we can take you home with us tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?" Regulus questions.
"Yes, dear," Effie responds. "Technically, the end of term isn't for a couple of days, but due to recent events, we've asked if we could take you and the boys home for Easter early. We've booked out a hotel room in Hogsmeade until tomorrow."
"What about my classes?"
"Don't worry about that," Sirius cuts in. "I got Evan and Emma to get all the work you missed. They said they are going to drop it off later this afternoon."
"Ok," Regulus nods, settling back into his pillows.
"Excellent," Effie chirps, leaning in once again to kiss his head. "We'll come and collect you tomorrow." She and Monty go to leave, saying a whispered goodbye to Sirius on the way out.
Sirius turns back to Regulus, grinning from ear to ear, as soon as they've left. Regulus stares at the space his brother occupies, but not actually at him. Seeing Effie and Monty made him think of James.
He really really wants to see James.
"I can get him... if you want," Sirius says stiffly after a couple minutes of awkward silence.
"What?"
Had he spoken out loud?
"James. You want to see him. I can see it on your face."
Regulus doesn't answer, only staring at his brother, who stares back just as tensely. Eventually, Sirius nods gently and walks away, leaving him all alone.
***
"When can I leave?" Regulus asks the next time Madame Pomfrey comes to check up on him.
Ever since Sirius left (which was two hours ago!!) he's been alone. And bored. Very very bored. His friends came to see him for a little while, but were shunned away by Pomfrey, saying they should be in class.
"Not yet," she responds without looking at him, "I just want to make sure you're absolutely fine. Should be before the end of the day."
He smiles, "Really?"
"Yes, sweetheart."
He sighs, relief washing over him, and falls back into his pillows. With a lazy smile on his face, he closes his eyes lightly, feeling as the warm sun presses against his face. Making green shapes form in the darkness behind his eyelids. Creating a fuzzy haze of sleepiness that he sinks into immediately.
"Reggie."
It sounds breathless and full of emotion. A cracked voice in an empty hospital wing.
Regulus feels as his blood begins to fly through his body, pounding in his chest and head and ears. He cracks his eyes open slowly, head still lolling back on his pillow. Above him, haloed by the sun, standing like an angel, is James.
"Reggie," James repeats, moving closer.
Regulus notices he's dressed in pyjamas, giving off the impression he came straight here from his bed. James' eyes are sunken and dark, his skin paler than usual, not blotched with the usual red spots on the apples of his cheeks.
He looks exhausted.
But somehow, he also looks so so happy.
His grin is as bright as ever, making up for the dullness that has taken over the rest of his face. Regulus finds himself smiling back, one corner of his lips turning up as he closes his eyes. He opens them again almost instantly, wanting to see James as much as possible.
He slides across on the bed, leaving half of it spare. James seems to take the hint, moving quickly to lounge next to him.
Regulus feels overwhelmed by the sudden warmth beside him. He hadn't even realised he was cold until James came. He turns his head and finds James already looking down at him. Their faces an inch away, James' nose tickling his forehead.
"You're here," he whispers. His eyes close of their own accord, giving into the comfort that is James Potter.
"You asked of me, so I'm here."
Regulus opens his eyes again, finding James closer than before, his eyes now shut too. He watches as James visibly recovers from whatever made him so dull. His cheeks begin to burn bright pink, and the frown lines that had taken over his forehead have disappeared. Now he looks soft. At peace. Like he's finally been told to relax.
Regulus tilts his head up, brushing their noses together so gently. Delicately. Watching as it makes James' eyelashes flutter. He parts his lips and Regulus takes it as an invitation, leaning in and kissing him sweetly.
He doesn't know what he's doing. Why he's doing it. James should probably shove him off. Probably wants to, but won't. Because. It's James.
Sweet.
Gentle.
Perfect James.
All Regulus does know is that he nearly died - did die for a moment - and ever since he found this out, the one thing he has wanted to do is see James. To see him and be held by him and breathe him in.
Because if Regulus is being honest, it was James.
It was James who was on his mind before the darkness suffocated him. Sure there was Sirius and his friends too, but at the very end... before the lights went out... before there was nothing... there was James. Only James.
And shit.
This isn't how it was supposed to go.
Regulus wasn't supposed to fall for James. For his brother's best friend. For James fucking Potter. The boy with the round glasses who waved at him the first time they met. The boy who stole his brother. Who saved his brother, and then saved Regulus himself.
He wasn't supposed to, and yet..
he did.
"I missed you," James says just loud enough for Regulus to hear.
And Merlin does that kill him. Because James isn't saying it in the way Regulus wishes he would. He doesn't mean it in the way Regulus does.
But he chose you, a little voice says.
He didn't. Not really.
He chose to kiss you. He chose to make this deal. He chose to have sex with you.
But that doesn't mean anything. It's all experimental. All fake.
Even with all this knowledge, Regulus finds himself wishing. Hoping. That James Potter - a part of him at least - might feel the same way.
"You're so stupid, James."
"What?" James giggles-
Regulus has missed that sound, it feels like he hasn't heard it for years.
"You and your hero complex," Regulus shakes his head slowly. "You could have died."
"I know." He answers with such confidence that Regulus finds himself confused. Who would willingly choose the path of all resistance? Isn't it supposed to be the path of least.
"Why?"
"Because if dying meant saving you, I'd do it. I would save you."
"Why?" Regulus repeats, not understanding.
"Why not?" James chuckles and opens his eyes. Regulus raises an eyebrow at him, not impressed by his answer. "Ok, ok." He sighs, looking away, a familiar blush creeping up his neck and reddening his ears. Then he takes a deep breath, returning to Regulus' eyes. So close. "I didn't want to live in a world that didn't have you in it."
Regulus is drowning again.
"So, I tried to save you- to find you-"
He's drowning and he doesn't think he'll ever stop.
"I couldn't get to you in time, Reggie. I'm so sorry, I-"
He leans in, kissing the words out of James' mouth.
Sinking..
Sinking..
James makes a noise, kissing him back. It's so careful, so full of something big and loud. So real.
Regulus has hit the bottom,
and he won't be breaking the surface anytime soon.
***
"Are you ok?"
"I'm fine," James says. Which. Ok, that's some bullshit. It's almost like he's quoting Regulus.
He looks at James like he's dumb, because he is. He is very clearly not ok, and acting like he is isn't going to deter Regulus from asking if he is in fact ok when he already knows he is not.
"Well, I wasn't going to say anything because.. right now isn't really about me. You need someone- me," he mumbles, blushing a bit. "And I'm fine."
"Tell me."
"Ok," James instantly gives in. "Mulciber" (of course it's Mulciber) "told the whole school... about us."
Regulus chokes.
"What?! When?"
"Before he was expelled. I'm so sorry, Regulus."
"You don't have anything to be sorry for," he responds.
"But I am. I'm sorry for you and for me. I wasn't ready... to be out yet. I hadn't even told Sirius or my parents-" James' voice cracks. Regulus reaches out and grabs his shirt, pulling him closer. He lays his head on James' shoulder and traces circles on his chest with his fingertip. "I didn't want it to be like this. I hadn't even fully accepted it myself yet, and now I have to figure out how to do that whilst other people-"
James breaks down. Regulus does his best to comfort him - holding him in his arms and kissing his head - though he's never been very good at these sort of things before. He calms down after half an hour, breath still hiccupy and fast.
"It'll be alright," Regulus hears himself say.
Will it though?
The whole school thinks he's with James Potter.
The whole school knows he's gay.
And he didn't even get to tell it himself.
Not the half that's true, or the half that isn't true.
None of it.
That was stolen from him and James. Their rights. Their privacy. Their secrets to tell or to not. Their choice was taken from them and he's left feeling violated and raw. Like he's been stripped naked in front of a room full of people without his permission.
It isn't fair.
It really isn't fair.
"Sorry, you're dealing with this too," James sniffs. "I shouldn't be acting like some victim."
People never really accept that they are victims, do they? That's the problem. They have to be told, and even then, some of them don't get it.
"You are a victim, James. We both are." He swallows, hoping he's saying the right thing. "That feeling you have gnawing at your gut, it's ok. Well, it's not- but what I mean is, it's normal. I have it too. You were vulnerable and someone took advantage of that. They stole your choice. Took something of yours without your permission and showed it to everyone."
"It isn't fair," James croaks.
"It isn't fair," Regulus echoes. After a moment, "James?"
"Yeah?" He tilts his head up, eyes pouting at Regulus.
"Thank you," he whispers, feeling the subtle break in his voice. "I don't know why you... thank you."
"Of course, Regulus." James leans up and presses a close-mouthed kiss to his jaw. He whispers something Regulus can't quite hear. Regulus doesn't ask him to repeat it, already feeling the warm blanket of sleep begin to wrap itself around him.
When he wakes up, James is still wrapped around him, laden with sleep. He smiles down at the absolute bird's nest of dark hair sticking up in his face, watching the way James' eyelids flutter in his slumber.
Watching you sleep might just be my favourite thing to do, he thinks.
There's the scraping of a chair from beside him, the side of the bed he is not facing, which startles him. He turns to find the person he honestly least expected to find visiting him at his sick bed.
Marlene McKinnon.
"Good morning," she greets with a wide grin. "I guess it's actually the afternoon now. So, good afternoon, Baby Black. Are you feeling any better?"
"Uhh... I feel fine, bit tired. But fine."
"Great." Marlene's smile immediately morphs into something more sharp, sickeningly sweet in a way that feels like a threat. "We need to have a little chat, you and I."
"If this is about Dorcas-"
"It's about James," Marlene interrupts, facial expression unchanging. "I would like to know what your intentions towards him are."
"My... intentions?"
"Yes," she answers seriously. "James is... he's honestly the best person I know. He deserves the absolute best of everything in life. And I know he might make you think he's enjoying himself all the time, but sometimes he has these episodes where-" She stops, apparently struggling to put her thoughts into words.
"Ok, you know what an eclipse is?" She continues, "Well, James is like the sun right? Always happy and bright and warm. Sometimes, for no reason at all, the moon will come out and block the sun, and all of the light is gone. Eclipse. I'm not sure why it happens, but sometimes James just shuts down in his own head. He'll be distant and frown when he thinks no one is looking. He'll act like everything is normal and fine and he'll try to be happy for the sake of everyone around him, but I think it's hard for him sometimes. To pretend all the time."
Regulus swallows, not quite knowing what to say. Of course, he's spoken to James about this before. How sometimes he'll have bad days where he feels like all he wants to do is hibernate in a hole, but he doesn't want anyone to think he's ungrateful. Because James - who has been surrounded by hurt people for so long - doesn't believe he deserves to not be happy.
"I just- I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want you to understand before you get in too deep, that James is fragile. He's like a frozen lake. He looks strong and sturdy, until you step on him with too much force. Then, he'll break."
"Ok," he nods. "I understand. I know he can be a little... enclosed and likes to isolate himself sometimes." He remembers how once James had told him he enjoyed the quiet sometimes. "But I know what it's like to not always want to be surrounded by people, and James always respects my boundaries, so I will always respect his." Regulus turns back to the sleeping boy latched around him, smiling softly.
"Do you love him?"
"What?" Regulus' head snaps back towards the blonde in the chair beside him.
"Do you love him?" She repeats. "I know you've been together since October, so if you don't love James yet, you can't be that serious about him. Come on, you know the boy by now, he's big on love."
"I-" Regulus shakes his head, looking between Marlene and James. "I can't-" He sighs and closes his eyes. "I haven't been able to tell anyone I love them since I was eleven. I couldn't even tell Sirius for years, so I-" He opens his eyes, staring at James. "I don't know how to love him."
"I understand you've been put through a lot, Regulus. Really, I do." Marlene's voice is not full of pity, only strong understanding. "But one day, you're either going to have to love him, or leave him before you break his heart."
Break his heart.
Like Regulus has ever or will ever have the power to do that.
If only Marlene knew what it really was.
***
Marlene left shortly after, which ended up being perfectly timed, as Dorcas and the rest of his friends came to visit him again almost as soon as she was gone.
"How could you not tell us?" Barty guffaws, motioning towards the sleeping James.
"Sirius said something about it starting in October?!" Dorcas adds.
Regulus shrugs, "Didn't seem like anything you needed to know about yet."
Dorcas shakes her head in disbelief, muttering something to herself. She looks like she's about to smite him. Pandora, who has already seated herself at the foot of the bed, smiles sweetly at him.
"Want to tell us about him?"
"What?"
"James. Tell us about him," Pandora urges gently. She's begun to play with the frayed edge of James' pyjama bottoms. Regulus internally - and perhaps selfishly - hopes that won't wake him up.
"There's nothing to tell," he responds. Then, "How come you didn't tell me when you saw me earlier that the whole school knows?"
Evan smiles sympathetically at him. "We didn't want to stress you out yet, mate. You'd only just woken up an hour or so before."
"At least one good thing came out of all of this," Emma says mysteriously. Only Regulus among his friends turns his head in confusion.
"What good thing came out of me almost dying?"
Emma keeps smirking. She raises an eyebrow, nudging her head in Dorcas' direction. "When Marlene came to visit you before and you were still asleep, she ran into Dorcas." Emma widens her eyes significantly, and that's when Regulus gets it.
"Did she kiss you?" Regulus questions, staring at Dorcas now, whose face has turned bright pink.
"She said she likes me back and uhh- yeah, maybe there was a little bit of kissing involved- uhh-"
"You were snogging over my sickbed? Disgusting. Absolutely vile," Regulus fake-retches. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to disown you."
Pandora and Emma giggle, whilst Dorcas stands there looking unimpressed.
"We weren't snogging over your sickbed," she rolls her eyes dramatically. "But she did agree to go on a date with me."
Regulus grins up at her. All jokes aside, he knows how long Dorcas has been in love with Marlene McKinnon. An embarrassingly long time. So, he's happy for her.
"Isn't it great? Oh! And Lily Evans came up to me and asked me out too!" Pandora exclaims jovially.
"Oh, really?" Regulus asks, even though he's been waiting for this exact thing to happen for months.
"Yeah! She said something about how life is short and she really likes my hair."
"Well, if we're all talking about our love lives," Barty begins, "I have something to say."
"I wonder what it could be," Evan says sarcastically.
"Shut it," Barty shoves him playfully, before taking his hand and smiling shyly. "Me and Evan are... together."
"YES!" Emma yells at the top of her lungs, turning to Dorcas. "Five galleons, please."
Dorcas huffs and drags out five galleons from her pocket, handing it over to her raven-haired friend.
"Oh, that's amazing!" Pandora squeals, sloppily jumping off the bed and enveloping Barty and Evan in a hug.
James begins to stir, probably from where Pandora moved the bed. After a couple of seconds, he blinks harshly before opening his eyes. He takes a moment to focus on the world, lazily blinking the sleep out of his eyes (which makes Regulus' chest expand an unhealthy amount).
"Hey," he grins, squinting up at Regulus.
"Hey," all of his friends respond in unison, making James turn to see them all watching him with massive grins.
"Oh," he smiles sheepishly. "Hey everyone."
"Hey, lover boy," Emma winks at him.
"Heard you and Reg are sleeping together," Barty adds.
James' eyes widen and he begins to sputter. At the same time Regulus says "We haven't been-", James says "He told you?"
Dorcas' jaw drops through the floor, whilst Pandora and Emma begin to hysterically laugh. Evan just reaches out his palm towards James, which he cautiously hits with his own.
"Well done," Evan chuckles. "I was scared he would never settle down."
"Settle down?" James squeaks.
"I can't believe you shagged James Potter!" Dorcas playfully punches Regulus' shoulder, looking obscenely proud. "How was it?"
"Ok! That's enough," Regulus cuts in. "I think you should all go now."
"Oh, but this is too good," Barty giggles.
"Yeah, we can't leave now," Emma joins in. Her and Barty can be right little menaces together when they want to be.
"Leave or I will drown you all in the lake," he announces flatly.
Evan snorts and James is the only one to sharply say, "Reggie."
"Sorry, I forgot your Gryffindor heart couldn't handle our Slytherin humour," Regulus responds, carding one of his hands through James' hair.
"Fine, we'll leave you two alone," Pandora says conclusively, and everyone follows her out.
"Fucking hell," Regulus says under his breath, letting his head drop back onto his pillow.
"Well that was-"
"Uncomfortable?"
"Strange." James explains, "Dorcas has never smiled at me before." A pathetically proud smile makes it's way onto James' face.
He snuggles closer into Regulus' side, breathing him in. Regulus suddenly feels self conscious. He hasn't actually had a shower since before the lake incident. It's not like he hasn't wanted to- he just- can't.
It's the water.
When it starts coming down, flooding over his head, blurring his vision, filling his ears... he just... he can't.
So, yes, he smells. Like lake water, probably the squid too, and maybe even just sweat and stuffiness. His mother would disapprove astronomically.
"James, you should probably get up now."
"Why?" James asks, words muffled where his face is leant up against Regulus's chest.
"Because I haven't washed since... before, and I must smell awful-"
"You smell like Reggie," James speaks so softly, he almost doesn't hear it.
"Are you saying I always smell awful?"
"No," James lifts his head up, resting his chin on Regulus' chest. "You smell like lemongrass."
"Oh."
Oh
James chuckles quietly at Regulus' bewilderment and lifts himself up to plant a small kiss on his head. Then his nose. His cheeks. His chin. Then, he lingers above Regulus' lips for a moment too long, breathing in and out. Regulus has to close the gap, connecting their lips and pressing hard.
The last time they were alone together before today was when they-
And oh, Regulus had forgotten what it felt like. How had he forgotten?
Now, with James so close, climbing on top of him, he remembers it all. The little touches, the shared breaths, the panted kisses and tingling goose bumps. All of it.
James apparently remembers too, pressing more forcefully into the kiss, introducing his tongue sooner than usual. Regulus' hands brush slowly down from James's shoulders, down his sides, to his hips. Resting there. He pulls James closer to him, making the boy above him groan.
"It seems you have successfully made a full recovery, I- Merlin's beard!" The curtains around Regulus' bed part, leaving a stunned looking Madame Pomfrey in the gap. James quickly scrambles to get off him, blushing profusely as the Medi-witch tuts at him. When she goes over to further inspect Regulus, James winks from behind her, making Regulus grin despite himself.
"As I was saying," she turns to stare pointedly at James, "You have made a full recovery, Mr Black. You are free to go. If you start coughing up anything you shouldn't be, come right back here and I'll check you over, alright Sweetheart?"
He nods, thanking her. She scurries away, leaving James and Regulus alone again.
"So, you're free to leave."
"Yeah," Regulus finds that he's disappointed. In truth, he's missed James. A lot. It's been hard studying for his OWLs and not having time to do literally anything else. "Guess I have to go back to my dorm now."
He swings his legs over the side of his bed, feeling as the cold stone comes into contact with the pads of his feet. In a way, it's soothing after being trapped in this stuffy bed for so long.
"Or- if you want to- I mean, you probably don't, but... you could stay with me for the night? If you want someone to be there. You've got Evan and Barty- you know what, never mind."
"James," Regulus says. He stands and steps over to James, who is standing at the foot of the bed. He loops his arms around James' neck and stands on his tiptoes, bringing their faces achingly close together. "If it's alright, can I?"
"Yes, definitely- only if you want to-"
"I want to," Regulus nods.
"Ok, great."
"Also, could I maybe ask you to help me with something, if it's not too much to ask..."
"Anything, Reggie," James breathes.
"Can you maybe run me a shower, so I can at least try again?"
"Of course."
They go straight to Gryffindor Tower, James has to help him with the moving stairs a bit, as his legs are still wobbly. They get a few stares from students in the corridors, especially after James decides to hold his hand to help steady him, but he tries to ignore them. At least, the ones who look disgusted, though he can't help but to have noticed that the majority of people looked happy to see them together. Like they were any normal couple.
When they get to the portrait, James says the password and Regulus waits patiently beside him. Their hands are still joined as they enter the common room. A group of what look to be first or second years stare at them. Regulus can't tell if it's with shock or judgement or neither.
On the other side of the common room, Sirius, Remus and Peter are lounging on the plush couches in front of the fire. They all look up to see who has silenced the common room, and Regulus watches as Sirius' eyes change. He's not quite sure what they change to, but they become less warm.
James, who had stopped to look at Sirius, tugs gently on his hand. "Come on, let's get you upstairs," he says quietly. They continue up to the boy's dormitories, James leading the way.
Regulus has seen James' room before, but not for a long time. He'd forgotten how warm it is. Covered in red and gold, walls draped with posters of famous muggle bands and Quidditch players, as well as polaroid pictures of the four boys. Some of the pictures also include the Gryffindor girls they're friends with. To Regulus' surprise, he finds that he is in a few of them too. There are also a couple with Evan and Barty in.
"Do you want to borrow some clothes to sleep in?" James asks from somewhere behind him. Regulus turns around, finding that James in kneeling at the trunk near the end of his bed.
"Yes, please."
"Here," he pulls out a plain red t-shirt and some matching plaid pyjama bottoms, passing them to Regulus' open hands. "I'll go run that shower."
James makes his way over to the bathroom, but before he reaches it, Regulus calls out his name.
"Yeah?"
"Thank you. For all of this," Regulus is appalled to find that he is blushing. "It's nice, you're... nice."
James only smiles, walking into the bathroom.
Regulus listens as the water is turned on and James begins to hum a little tune to himself. Slowly, he pads over to the bathroom, clothes still in hand. When he enters, there's a cloud of white steam already filling the air, settling on the mirror, making it impossible for Regulus to see what he looks like. He hasn't looked in a mirror for almost four days.
James leans behind the shower curtain for a moment. When he comes back out, he shakes his hands of water. "It should be the right temperature now."
Regulus gives him a small smile and goes to take off his shirt. James turns around, giving him privacy. Regulus almost laughs, finding it ridiculous that James is turning around, when he's literally seen everything there is to see. But he appreciates the respect.
Once he's undressed, he steps into the shower, but not under the water.
"You in?" James calls.
"Half-way," Regulus says back, his voice coming out all shaky.
"Ok, just let me know when you're out, yeah?"
"James!"
"I'm here," James replies. "Don't worry. You're ok."
"Can you... stay?"
"Anything you need," James says back. Regulus hears the sound of a door closing, so he assumes James is locking it, making sure to keep everyone else out.
Regulus stares at the spraying water as it comes down at full force. Full of power and- and-
He reaches out a hand, then a foot, stepping forward until his entire head is under the showerhead. The water pours down over his hair, spraying in his ears-
he can't hear.
Blurring his eyes-
he can't see.
Filling his mouth-
he's drowning.
Breathe in-
choke.
Breathe in-
choke.
Breathe in-
choke.
He can't breathe- he can't- there's nothing- only the all consuming silent darkness. Gravity pulling him down, down, down, further into the void. His lungs are full of water, he can't think, he can't breathe-
Panic
panic
panic
"J- James-" Is he speaking? He can't hear. Is his mouth moving without saying the words? Just like they were in the lake. "James-" he cries.
The water stops.
Where is he? He doesn't know where he is.
There's water
drip
drip
dripping
in. his. ears.
In his brain and lungs and blood.
He feels as something is wrapped around him. When had he fallen to the floor? All sense of gravity and weight is taken from him again as he feels the ground be ripped from beneath him. Only this time, it isn't only air and particles zipping past him. There are arms around him. Secure, steady, physical arms.
You're not alone.
"Reggie? Reg?" James' panicked voice hums through his ears and he opens his eyes. He finds that he's now on the bathroom floor, wrapped up in a towel, with James holding onto him for dear life.
"Are you- fuck, Reggie. Are you alright?"
"I-" he starts to cry.
He doesn't mean to.
He knows boys shouldn't cry. The little voice in his head that sounds like his mother reminds him so.
But he can't help it.
He shakes in James' arms, racking sobs bursting free, making up for years of keeping it in.
"It's ok, I'm here. It's ok, I'm here," James chants like it's Regulus' bloody lifeline, and at this point, he's convinced it is.
"I'm sorry," Regulus manages to say.
"No, don't be sorry. It's absolutely fine, love."
"I don't know what to do."
"We could try a bath? A really shallow one? Just enough water to make sure you're all fresh and clean, yeah?" James positions his face right in front of Regulus', staring intently into his eyes.
"Ok," he replies, unsure.
James smiles at him, leaving a quick kiss on his forehead before getting up and starting the taps. They only run for a short amount of time, but still long enough to make Regulus nervous. He's slowly helped up, and James takes the towel from him, placing it on the radiator.
Regulus wraps his arms around himself, lowering into the bath. He scrunches his eyes shut, waiting for the inevitable strike of water to skin. When it comes, it's just as dreadful as he expected. It's really not that deep at all, maybe only two or three inches of water.
"Reggie?"
"I-I'm ok," he responds. Silent tears begin to trail down his cheeks, but he reaches for the soap and begins to wash himself.
Regulus remembers the morning he woke up in this room (not the bathroom, but James' room). It had been the morning that James woke him up with his awful singing. He smiles at the memory, suddenly feeling a bit warmer and less like a drowned corpse.
"James?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you sing something?"
There's silence for a moment, and Regulus thinks he's going to say no, until he hears a small soft voice. He doesn't recognise the song, but it's nice and gentle.
"Don't go changing to try and please me
You never let me down before, mmm
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I would not leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far, mmm
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are."
The tears continue to fall but less frequently. The hardest part is washing his hair, as the water has to be on his head, and it drips into his ears and sometimes into his eyes, making him feel disoriented. The only thing reminding him of where he is, is James' calm voice.
It's beautiful, the way he sings this song.
"I said I love you, that's forever
And this I promise from the heart, mmm
I couldn't love you any better
I love you just the way you are, right."
He thinks about the lyrics and how, in a way, they relate to him and James. Maybe- just maybe, that is why James chose the song.
"James?"
The singing stops and James answers with a simple, "Yes, love?"
"I'm finished."
He listens as James stands up, carefully pulling back the shower curtain and holding out the towel. Regulus envelopes himself in it and James helps him step out of the bathtub. He turns around again as Regulus dries himself and then dresses into James' pyjamas.
He tells James when he's finished.
James smiles at him, stepping closer and reaching out to wipe at his cheeks. Then, he kisses Regulus' closed eyelids and his lips once. "Come on, let's go to bed." Regulus takes his open hand.
None of the other boys have come up yet, which Regulus is silently relieved about. He doesn't really want anyone staring at him right now, and he doesn't want to talk to anyone. Except maybe James. He also doesn't want any of Sirius' judgement.
James stops when they get to his bed and he starts fussing with the cover and the pillows, apparently trying to make it as comfortable as possible. He even grabs an extra blanket and adds it to the pile on his bed.
He then gestures for Regulus to get in first, so he does, making himself comfortable. James slides in next to him, shutting the curtains on his side of the bed. He then opens his arms expectantly, so Regulus rolls into them. James wraps him up, letting him rest his head on his chest, tangling their legs together.
The room is dark, spare a few candles lit in the centre of the room. Regulus guesses James left those alight for the other boys, whenever they decide to come back up to bed.
Regulus plays with the strings of James' hoodie, slowly calming the pounding of his chest. Reminding himself that he can breathe.
"Tell me a story," he whispers to James. "A happy one."
"Ok, let me think. There's the story of Roman and Judas... it's the only one I can think of." James shuffles, getting more comfortable. "Judas grew up with everything you could ever dream of: riches, a loving family, love. Whilst Roman grew up in a house full of cold people, stone people. They were never meant to meet, but one day when Roman was running from his dreadful life, he ran past the place Judas visited every day. It was a place deep in the forest he liked to go to clear his head.
"They met beside the tallest tree in the woods and Judas, being the kind and noble man he was, offered to help shelter Roman from his horrible family that might come looking for him. They spent every day together; climbing trees in the forest, playing the lute together, swimming in the clear lakes that surrounded Judas' land. After a few weeks, Judas fell in love with Roman, and he-"
James pauses. Regulus, as impatient as he is, nudges him. "He what?"
"I don't know," James answers. "I haven't made it to the end of the story yet."
"Then tell me about Judas."
"Judas... he knows Roman is someone he should never have fallen in love with. Someone forbidden and out of reach. But love is love, sometimes it just creeps up on you when you least expect it." James sighs. "I hope Roman ends up feeling the same way about Judas, otherwise the happy story you asked for, it would have been a lie. But for the sake of the story, we're going to say Roman and Judas were picking berries in the forest and Judas was pricked by a thorn. Roman helps to pull it out and wipes away the blood, afterwards leaving a gentle kiss on the wound. Judas, no longer able to bury what he desires, kisses Roman. And Roman... he kisses him back."
Regulus isn't sure if that is where James' story ends. He drifts off, feeling the heavy brush of sleep befall him. It coming easier with James Potter wrapped around him, still whispering in his ear as the world dissipates.