Morning Star

7th August, 1969

This house has never felt like a home. Maybe that's because it isn't, not really. It's a haunted house, full of ghosts and terrors beyond what any child should witness, let alone live with.

Sirius has never felt comfort here; he's beginning to think that isn't the point of a home. Surely, at the age of nine, he should feel a sense of belonging by now. But if he doesn't, maybe that's because he isn't supposed to.

The walls are dressed with centuries old wallpaper that literally molds off the walls (mother says not to touch it, for caution of it crumbling off at his fingertips). There are never any lights on, only the muggy light that shines from the sun through the grey clouds that are permanently smothering the sky deep in Muggle London.

He hates his house, but maybe everyone hates their house. It's creepily decorated and withered, with old house elves' heads hung up on walls, and shadows staining every corner.

But the worst part..

The very worst part - are his parents.

One mistake, one slip-up, one wrong step and you can go to bed without dinner for the entire weekend. Don't expect them to come and let you out- to sympathise for you when you cry. They won't come.

They never come.

Retaliation doesn't work either. That only earns you a talon strike or a curse sent unlovingly from mother's wand.

Sirius finds that he can't not retaliate when they punish him for the most futile things like forgetting to eat with his mouth closed, or not combing down his hair. Surely that isn't right? Surely your parents are supposed to love you no matter what? To teach you, rather than hurt you for getting it wrong.

What would he be if he were to let them - who were so clearly in the wrong - get away with it? What would he be if he didn't fight back?

A coward.

His family is full of them, he does not want to be another one.

No, he wants to follow the example of his Uncle Alphard and his cousin Andromeda (who ran away a few weeks ago with a Muggle born!) - people who he pridefully respects because they have earned it.

Just because Sirius knows his parents are wrong and knows where he'd like to stand, doesn't mean his brother does the same.

Regulus has always been more in-line than he has. Always keeping by the rules, never retaliating, or speaking his mind. Sirius knows Regulus doesn't agree with their parents either - Regulus tells him he doesn't. He just never can tell them to their faces.

He isn't like Sirius, he's afraid.

Well, Sirius isn't afraid.

Ok, so he might be a tiny bit. But only a healthy amount - enough to know when to stop.

If Regulus is afraid, it only means Sirius needs to be brave for both of them. Which he is. He protects his brother at all costs. He always does and he always will. No matter what.

Whenever Regulus gets himself in trouble, Sirius does something worse to distract their parents. To save Reg.

Today, however, was one of those days where he got there too late. He heard his brothers screams, can still hear them replaying in his mind right now, and ran. He'd been in his room at the time, and Reg's scream had come from downstairs.

What have you done?

Whathaveyoudone?Whathaveyoudone?Whathaveyoudone?

"Reg?" Sirius had yelled as soon as he'd made it to the ground floor. "Regulus? Where are you? Reg!"

"Stop your incessant noise, boy." His mother said in that calm voice of hers which meant she was ready to strike.. or she already had.

He'd stared up at her and narrowed his eyes (something he learnt from her, actually). When he spoke he used the same steadiness she did, that intimidating one that always seemed to work against him. "Where is my brother?"

"He was being a naughty boy, Sirius." She reached out with her clawed hand and grabbed onto his jaw, pulling him closer, she leaned down. "And you know what happens to naughty boys."

Yes, he does.

The scars all over his body can prove that.

"Reg," he'd said under his breath, as he pulled away from her grip.

He's been searching the house for almost twenty minutes now, with still no sign of his brother. Just as he's about to turn back around and head for the stairs to search on the next floor up, he hears a heart-melting cry come from the coat cupboard beside him.

Opening it, he watches as a crack of light bleeds into the small space, illuminating the pale skin of the small boy crouched on the floor. His palms are bloody and his face blotchy. Sirius swears to Merlin, he has never felt rage like he does whenever they hurt him. Regulus - his little Reg.

"Baby," Sirius whispers. He used to call Regulus that - it was actually his first word, soon after Regulus had been born. Sometimes he still uses it, like in these times for example. When Regulus needs to hear it most. "It's alright."

He kneels on the floor and crawls in with his brother, bringing back the dark. Regulus used to hide in much more obvious places, but ever since he got over his fear of the dark, he's been hiding in smaller nooks and crannies. In the shadows of the house.

It's harder for Sirius to find him, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.. it also means it's harder for them to find him.

"I- I didn't mean to-"

"Shh," Sirius hushes him soothingly. He takes Regulus' palms and gently kisses them both once. "It's alright, Reg. Want to go to our special place?"

"Won't they realise we're gone?"

"Nope. They know you're hiding somewhere and that I'm trying to find you. They won't bother trying to find us for hours."

He hears Regulus sniffle. "Ok. Let's go."

They slip out of the tiny cupboard and Sirius glances quickly down both ends of the hall to make sure no one (Kreacher) follows them.

As soon as they are out of the back door, Sirius clutches Reg's hand (careful not to squeeze too hard where he's injured) and they run.

They run down their back garden - which is really more of a field - and reach the edging of the woods. Without stopping, they journey through the woods. Sirius knows exactly which way to go, he's been coming for over a year now. He'd shown Regulus it a couple of months ago.

A place for them to escape to.

Before them, just like every other time, appears an old house with Cherrywood shutters and a matching door that has a large golden knocker. Sirius never gets tired of seeing it. It's beautiful. Outside the front of it, there's an abandoned Muggle contraption (he believes it is called a car), and a stone-carved fountain. Instead of water sprouting out of the lion's mouth in the middle of it, vines grow possessively around the cobbled stone, registering how long it's been deserted for.

They walk up the familiar steps that lead to the patio; Sirius doesn't even hesitate before opening the door and stepping inside, with Reg in tow.

The house has obviously been uninhabited for a very long time, but it's original ornate beauty still shines through the attack nature has provoked onto it. There's two pearly-white staircases that join in the middle of the first floor and lead off into two separate parts of the house.

Maybe, one day, they will live somewhere like this. Somewhere that feels like a home, rather than just a house. Somewhere with a gold knocker on the door, and a fountain out front. Somewhere bright and happy.

"Where do you want to go first?" Sirius asks.

Regulus hasn't let go of his hand yet, which Sirius doesn't mind. He knows his brother needs the comfort of it. He rarely let's others comfort him in a physical way, only Sirius.

"The library," Regulus answers.

Sirius smiles. He knew Reg would say that; he always does.

"Lead the way, sir." He bows with his one arm, gesturing for Regulus to guide them. A small grin appears on his face, strong enough to squint his eyes, as he picks up speed again and heads for the stairs.

Sirius follows, face lighting up too.

He's glad he always knows how to cheer up Regulus. To protect him.

He will always be here to protect him.

***

1st September, 1971

"You'll write every day?" Regulus asks Sirius for probably the thirtieth time this morning, but he doesn't mind. He's honestly a bit worried about leaving Regulus alone for a year - or until Christmas, but really any chunk of time is suitable for caution.

"I promise."

Reg has helped him pack, after Sirius offered if he wanted to. It was either that or their mother would make him go back to his room, as to not "disturb Sirius".

Once they've finished, he look over at Reg, whose bottom lip is trembling but he's clearly trying to hide it.

"I'll miss you," Sirius says, knowing it's what his brother will want to hear. Plus, it's true. He's never lived a day of his life (unless you count the time before Regulus was born) without his brother. It'll be weird and empty-

He's trying not to think about it.

They get to King's Cross Station at ten to eleven. Sirius insists on running through the wall to platform 9 3/4 for the first time ever with Reg. His parents agree, which surprises him, but he quickly gets over it. He grabs Regulus' hand, pushing his trolly with the other, and runs at the wall with breakneck speed.

As soon as they are on the platform, Sirius hears Reg gasp.

"Wow!" He squeals, and Sirius wishes more than ever that Regulus could come with him.

"Fix your posture, Regulus!" Walburga's icy voice comes from behind them. Both boys turn around and face their parents.

"We'll see you at Christmas, Sirius," Walburga says, turning her attention to her eldest son. "Make us proud, do not drag the Black name through the mud." She leans down and presses a swift kiss on his cheek (probably for appearances). His cheeks flush with shock - his mother is not an affectionate person.

"Sirius." His father nods, and that is it.

Sirius turns to Regulus and before he can think about what his parents will say about it, he reaches forward to hug him. He squeezes him so hard he's surprised Regulus doesn't gasp for air. Instead, he hugs Sirius back just as hard.

"I love you," Sirius says quietly, so their parents don't hear.

"I love you," Reg whispers back.

Then, he let's go, knowing if he doesn't now he probably never will.

"Bye." He waves and runs off towards the train (his stuff already having been taken away and put with the rest of the luggage - spare his smallest suitcase with his uniform in).

When he gets on the train he searches for an empty compartment. Other than snobby wizards that are a part of the Sacred Twenty-Eight, Sirius has not had many social experiences. Especially not with people his age, unless you count Reg and his cousins. So, in truth, he's a bit nervous right now.

He looks out the window once and finds Regulus crying, their mother does not look happy. She always gets angry when he cries, especially in public where people can see. It's not very noble and ancient and all that crap.

The door slides open, dragging his attention away from his sobbing brother. Three boys walk in.

The one at the front has dark messy hair and round glasses, which sit wonky on the bridge of his nose. Following him is a small boy with blonde hair and a mousy nose. He seems both excited and nervous to be here. He hangs close behind the first boy, who sits opposite Sirius and holds out his hand.

"James Potter," the boys says with a teethy grin.

Potter.

He isn't supposed to be befriending any Potter's. His father demanded him to stay away.

Sirius stares at the bright boy in front of him, who is still all smiley and just welcoming, in a way Sirius has never felt before.

Since when has he ever abided his parent's rules?

He reaches out and shakes James' hand.

"Sirius Black."

The blonde boy gasps from his seat next to James, but James' smile doesn't falter.

"It's lovely to meet you, Sirius." James leans back in his seat, and crosses one leg over the other. "This is Peter Pettigrew. He's a bit shy, but once you get to know him he can be really fun. We grew up next door to each other."

"It's nice to meet you," Sirius nods at Peter.

"You too."

Sirius smiles at the boy and turns his head towards the still open doorway where the third boy stands. The first thing that catches his notice are the two big brown eyes that stare back at him.

He gulps.

"Are you going to sit down?" He asks the boy, whose name he hasn't gotten yet. For some reason, this feels like a crime, so he asks. "What's your name?"

The other boy slouches into the seat beside Sirius and leans his head back against the chair. After a couple of seconds, he tilts his head so that he can see Sirius and responds with: "Wouldn't you like to know."

"Hence why I asked."

The boy smirks at him, but doesn't answer the question. Sirius doesn't find himself becoming annoyed like he would've expected himself to be, instead he is intrigued by the mysterious boy in front of him. Whose skin is tanned, unlike the rest of the three boys in the carriage. And whose face is decorated with small pinprick freckles, and long eyelashes, and shaggy hair that's a mix of mousy-brown and golden blonde.

"Well, aren't you going to tell me?" Sirius said, arching an eyebrow. The boy only raises one eyebrow back at him, still not saying his name. "Fine. Then I guess I'll have to call you Big Brown Eyes."

Now, Big Brown Eyes lifts his head and does a full body turn to face Sirius. He runs his eyes all over him, assessing him, making Sirius suddenly nervous.

"I'm Remus," he says in a cockney sort of accent that Sirius has only ever heard whilst passing Muggles on the streets of London. "Don't expect me to shake your hand, I don't do formalities."

"Remus," Sirius repeats. It slides off his tongue nicely, easily. It's like his mouth has been waiting to say it his whole life, and now it won't ever stop saying it. "Remus."

Remus.

Remus.

Remus.

"We found him in a carriage with a red-headed girl and some git called Severus- or something," Peter says. It's the most Sirius has heard him say since meeting him. To be honest, he'd forgotten the other two boys existed, too preoccupied by the mystery that is Remus-

Wait. He hadn't even gotten his last name.

"What's your last name?" Sirius says suddenly.

"Why?"

"Want to know if I'm related to you or not." He says it simply, shrugging a bit.

Remus' face contorts with confusion, but he doesn't question what Sirius said. Instead, he surprises him by answering.

"Lupin."

Definitely not a relative.

"Lupin... I've never heard of the Lupins. Are you Muggle-born?"

Remus stiffens and looks away. Apparently asking about his family is not a good idea, and if anyone can relate to that, it's Sirius.

"My mum was a Muggle, but my dad was a wizard."

Was.

His mum was a Muggle, and his dad was a wizard.

Oh.

Sirius doesn't ask Remus anymore about his family, understanding that he probably wouldn't want to talk about it. The most likely scenario would be that Remus' parents are dead.

He gets to know that James is an only child and that he really wants to be in Gryffindor.

"I also really want to be on the Quidditch team! Hopefully, as Captain one day!"

"I love Quidditch!" Sirius perks up. "What position do you play? I'm a Beater."

"Chaser," James answers.

"What about you, Pete?" Sirius asks, turning to Peter who was previously munching on a chocolate frog.

"I love Quidditch, but I don't play."

"Oh," Sirius deflates a bit, but smiles when he turns to Remus. "What about you?"

"Hate it."

Of course, he does.

Sirius smirks at him.

"What do you like?"

Remus shrugs.

"Come on. Just name three things you like and I'll leave you alone."

Remus turns to look at him and Sirius does not back down, staring intently back. He will not go away until he gets his answer.

Eventually, Remus sighs and sucks in his lips, thinking.

"Chocolate, music, and reading."

"What a coincidence," Sirius says loudly. He scoots closer to Remus until he's practically in his lap. "I like all of those things too."

"Of course, you do," Remus utters quietly. He doesn't move away or push Sirius back.

Suddenly Sirius feels flustered, a heavy blush settles across his cheeks, and he's unsure what to do. Thankfully, James finds this the perfect time to announce, "My turn!"

"Your turn for what?" Sirius chuckles, pulling away from Remus and leaning forward to give James his full attention.

"To say what I like."

"Go on then," Remus says.

"Ok, umm." James bites his nails and when he has all his answers, his eyes light up underneath his glasses. "Quidditch, tree climbing, and pranks."

"My go! My go!" Peter yells excitedly, wanting to join in on the fun. "Uhh. Hoodies, food, and travelling."

"Nice," Sirius nods. "Ok, guess I'm up."

He thinks about everything he likes for a moment, not a lot comes to mind. He thinks of his brother, their secret place, his horrible parents and horrible house.

"Quidditch, pranks, and my brother."

"That's pretty much what I said," James laughs. "You and I are destined to be friends, Black."

"Oh, I'd find it an honour, Potter."

"You have a brother?" Remus asks.

Sirius turns around and finds those big brown eyes staring right at his own.

"I- yeah. His name is Regulus."

"Regulus?" James says, a questioning tone to his voice. "And you're Sirius?"

"Most of the family are named after stars, if not something astronomical."

"Huh," James remarks, mostly to himself. "Cool. When is Baby Black joining us?"

"Not until next year unfortunately. I promised to write him every day, so you'll probably be hearing a lot about him from me- if we end up in the same house, I mean."

"We will," James replies with all confidence.

"Every single Black in history has been in Slytherin," Sirius says. "Even my favourite cousin, Andy. She ran away with a Muggle-born, which apparently brought shame to the family. I don't agree with all the blood purity crap obviously. She was disowned a couple of years back, but we still keep in touch."

"Woah," Peter gapes, still eating his chocolate frog. "You don't think they would disown you if you don't end up in Slytherin, do you?"

Sirius hadn't even thought about that. Surely not.

"Doubt it. I'm the heir to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, or whatever." He flicks his hand in the air, because he really doesn't care about all the toujours pur nonsense. "They need me."

"They've always got your brother-" Peter began, but James elbows him in the stomach, stopping him from saying anything further.

Sirius gives James a small smile and leans back in his seat, glancing out the window. Trees pass by in a blur, mostly blocking the setting sun. They must nearly be there if the sun is setting. Maybe an hour or two to go.

"You alright?"

He turns to see Remus, who has shuffled slightly closer, no longer hiding in his little corner.

"Fine," Sirius gives him a fake smile.

"Ok." Remus doesn't ask him anything else, but he also gives Sirius the impression that he doesn't quite believe him. "Whatever happens, it doesn't matter yet. Yeah?"

Sirius is... Well, quite honestly, he's bewildered.

So far, Remus has barely spoken to any of them, so Sirius just assumed he probably didn't like them too much, or maybe he was shy. But now, he seems to actually care. It makes Sirius' heart race in his chest.

"Yeah," Sirius responds, still looking at those brown eyes. "It doesn't matter."

***

12th January, 1977

Sirius loves Mary, he'll always love her. He just isn't in love with her. Maybe that's wrong because they're together, or maybe it's ok because it has only been a couple of months and they are both only seventeen.

She asked him up to the dorms (the boys, obviously, since he couldn't access the girl's) to hook up, which has only ever happened between them a handful of times.

Sex isn't at all what he thought it would be. There is no room to be shy, and you forget to be self conscious once it's happening, because once it is happening it's all you can think about. He does like it. He trusts Mary completely, which he thinks is a reason why he enjoys it so much. But there's always something... I don't know, lacking whenever he does it.

Of course, he can't tell Mary this because he doesn't think it's anything she's doing, and he doesn't want to offend her in anyway. So, he keeps it to himself and tries not to think about it.

The sex might be lacking something, but it's still bloody brilliant.

He feels that familiar sensation wrap around his stomach and grow out through his body, vibrating with his blood, and tingling at his fingertips and toes. It's euphoric and something he knows he will continue to want for the rest of his life.

Mary's hands are travelling all over his abdominals and shoulders and arms, which he doesn't mind really. It's nice. It somehow brings him back to earth a bit, fighting against the floaty feeling that takes his brain away from the world, and sends his spirit soaring. So, the conflict between the two feelings make him feel even better, keeping him alive and awake during it all.

"Sirius, Sweetie," Mary says, sounding much less affected than Sirius feels right now.

"Mmm?" He manages, letting out a quiet gasp.

"I love you, we're always going to be friends and that isn't going to change, right?"

"Y- yeah." He has no idea why she is bringing this up right now, when he's in such a vulnerable position. "Always there for you, Mary."

"Ok," she nods. "I think we should break up."

Sirius stops moving. He's very close to tipping over the edge. Close to seeing that white light that makes him feel like he's visiting Heaven's gates.

"What?" He questions, staring down at her. "And you thought the best time to tell me... was now? "

"I wanted to be with you one more time, Sweetie."

"Oh."

"We can talk about it in a minute, just- please... can we do it one more time? If it's alright with you." She smiles up at him, showing her dimples that indent her cheeks. "I was your first, and that's very important to me."

"It's important to me too," he says quietly.

They did.

Do it one more time, that is.

And a part of Sirius felt that loss. Mary was right, she was his first, and he'll never forget that. It will always be something special that he only had with her, a first experience that means a lot to him.

Afterwards, they both put their clothes on once again. The air didn't feel tense or heavy, it actually felt quite calm. Sirius wasn't upset that they were over, he hadn't expected it to last forever with Mary anyway.

As soon as he has the thought, he immediately feels horrible. Had he been thinking like that during their whole relationship? He must have been a terrible boyfriend.

"Sirius, just know it's nothing you did. I just don't see us lasting forever." Mary is sitting on the edge of his bed, with her hands tucked under her thighs. "I don't want to be in a doomed relationship."

"Doomed? I guess we never promised each other marriage, but I never thought we were doomed."

"Oh, Sweetie," she smiles at him like he's a child who doesn't yet understand something. "I'm not the person you should be with, and you're not who I should be with. Sometimes that's just the way things go. This relationship was doomed before it even began, but I promise you.. I don't regret a single moment of it."

"Alright," he answers, not sure what he's supposed to say. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too." She leans in, pressing a kiss to his cheek, before getting up and going over to the door. "Oh, and Sirius."

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

He watches her leave, and is left feeling very confused.

She hadn't seemed upset or disappointed, but then again neither had he. Was he really that bad a boyfriend? And what had she meant by 'I'm not the person you should be with' ?

He thinks about that for a moment.

Does Mary know something he doesn't?

Does someone else like him?

Is there someone he likes?

No, surely he would know if he likes someone.

Surely.

Suddenly feeling the urge to find his friends, he heads towards the common room, without looking back into the room once. Afraid he might find an answer he doesn't want, or isn't ready for yet.

***

25th March, 1977

Ok, so Sirius has officially come to the realisation that over the six years since he has met Remus Lupin, he has accidentally fell madly in love with him. Which isn't great considering a few things, but it's something that will not go away.

A couple of days ago, he came out to James and pretty much had a whole fucking mental breakdown because he's pretty sure Regulus also likes Remus, which is just so... fucking convenient really.

Not.

His little brother has not had a lot of good in his life (neither has Sirius himself, but he got out sooner), which means Sirius wants him to get everything and anything he wants. Especially if the things he wants makes him happy.

Just not Remus Lupin.

He can't have him.

Sirius isn't selfish enough to actually tell Regulus this, but he hopes just saying it in his head enough will make it no longer true.

Regulus cannot want Remus, he just can't. Because Sirius is certain that he has never wanted something half as much as he wants Remus Lupin.

It's a bit scary, actually. Sirius' feelings for Remus sort of jumped up on him. He hadn't been expecting them, but when they finally decided to emerge from whatever pit they had been existing in, he couldn't get over them. And the worse part is, he knows they've been there for a long time, just waiting and festering under the surface.

What he feels for Remus isn't as simple as a crush or lust or want. He needs him. He craves him. He feels that if he doesn't one day have Remus Lupin under his fingertips, he will simply cease to exist.

So, when Regulus comes over to their table and starts flirting with Remus as if it's his daily fucking job to, Sirius snaps. Remus looked so uncomfortable, or maybe he was just shy, or trying to hide whatever he truly felt. Whatever it was, Sirius couldn't take it anymore.

Fine, he snapped. But for good reason.

Regulus reaches up and starts playing with Remus' curls (his cute-ass freaking curls! ), and then goes ahead and says the worst sentence Sirius has ever heard in his entire seventeen years of life.

"I thought it was more brown than this. It certainly looked more brown the other night-"

"The other night?" Sirius doesn't realise he is the one who has spoken until he notices everyone's eyes on him. He looks at Remus, confused and betrayed, and everything in between.

Remus, who looks completely incredulous, yells "What?!" at the exact same time Regulus dumbly says, "Yeah."

"You were with him the other night?" He doesn't care how pathetic he sounds, he just doesn't give a fuck right now.

The other night.

Did that mean they were hooking up? Sleeping together?

Ugh, it made him sick to even think about it.

He stands up at lightning speed and yells, "Moony! How could you? You're-" he stops that sentence as soon as it starts. "That's my little brother! I-" He doesn't even bother trying to get out the rest of his sentence before literally running away.

Sirius can hear Remus behind him. He doesn't want to talk to him right now. If ever again. He needs Remus to get as far away from him as possible, or he might just-

He doesn't even know what he'll do. All he knows is that he needs some space. Perhaps forever.

Even with his long legs, Remus doesn't manage to catch up to Sirius until he has to stop for the portrait. She opens as painfully slow as ever, giving Remus enough time to get there.

"Piss off."

"Pads, I-"

Sirius ignores him, storming through the portrait hole, across the common room, and up the stairs. He just wants his bed. Is that too much to ask?

Apparently so, because Remus follows him the whole way.

"I would love to yell at you to get the fuck out and leave me alone, but this is your room too. So, just sit on your bed like a good boy, and be quiet."

If only it were that easy. If only Remus Lupin was James Potter, who listened to you when you were mad. But no. This is Remus Lupin, who doesn't give a shit about what you want, and who will stubbornly try and get his point across if it's the last thing he ever does.

Sirius pushes his bed curtains back, perhaps a little too harshly because they make a terrible screeching noise that makes his ears crinkle. He crawls inside, but is too slow to stop Remus from following him in right on after.

"For goodness sakes, Lupin! Can't you take a hint? I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to see your face, I don't want to know you right now! Leave. Me. Alone!"

Remus doesn't back down. He's suffered enough of Sirius' tantrums by now to know that he will say the most heartless things in his anger. But this isn't a tantrum. Nope, this is heartbreak.

"I'm not going anywhere until you listen to me."

"I don't want to." Sirius looks away, folding his arms. He knows he looks like an immature little child right now.

Does he care?

Absolutely not.

"Then, I don't know, keep your ears open in case you hear something of value," Remus says. He lays down on Sirius' bed and rests his head on the pillow.

Sirius, who is sitting cross legged near Remus' hips, arches an eyebrow.

"Getting comfortable," Remus shrugs. One corner of his lips curl up and Sirius feels all his organs melt. Since when did something as small as Remus smiling make him all stupid and silly?

"Don't get too comfortable, as soon as I hear something I don't like, I'm pushing you out of the bed."

"Great, he's listening," Remus responds, full on smirking now. "Right. I don't like Regulus romantically. I will never like Regulus romantically. I have never liked Regulus romantically. Nothing is going on between us - past, present, or future."

"What about the other night ?" Sirius mocked, his arms still crossed.

"I'm pretty sure he was talking about the party because I haven't seen him since then. Honest." Remus shuffled, leaning against the headboard now instead. "I don't know why he's been acting so strange around me recently. Quite frankly, it's freaking me the fuck out. I'm thinking about asking James about it, since those two are so close."

Sirius meets Remus' eyes at that. Why had he worded it like that?

"Anyway, I don't understand why you care so much," Remus says, looking down at his hands. Sirius misses his gaze immediately, wanting to be able to see those big brown eyes again. He's loved those since day one, and he knows it.

"I don't believe you," Sirius responds, completely ignoring what Remus just said. He gets up from his bed, needing to expel his angry energy desperately. He needs to hit something, or yell, or-

"I am only going to say this one more time," Remus is now standing too. He bends a little to make it so they are face to face. His eye contact never falters when he says, "I don't like Regulus."

"I don't-"

"Sirius! I don't like you brother, ok? I like-"

Remus pauses, stepping back. His eyes widen, and he doesn't elaborate any further.

"Who? Who do you like, Remus?"

Sirius steps forward slowly, and realises he's hyperventilating. He calms himself down and knows he doesn't want to shout anymore. He can say what he needs to say next calmly. Even if it is still the scariest thing he will ever say in his life. Something that will change the chemical balance in his brain, the balance of the universe, the literal reality they live in.

"Because I know who I like, and yes- fine- I know I never think things through. I'm reckless and thoughtless - you would know that more than anyone... but I-" He sighs, still moving closer to the other boy. "Ever since the Snape incident, I've been careful. I've thought everything through. I've paid attention. Instead of being a compulsive coward, I want to be brave. I want to be brave," he chants it like a prayer. "I want to be brave like Reg-"

Before his brain can calculate what he's doing, Sirius leans up onto his tippy-toes and kisses Remus.

Sirius Black kisses Remus Lupin, and the stars explode.

And Remus... he kisses him back.

He kisses him back!

This is why he exists. This is the point of Sirius Black. So that this moment could happen. This moment in space and time that is all them and only them. Only Moony and Padfoot. Only Remus and Sirius. Only a star and his moon.

When he pulls away, he does so slowly, wanting to savour this exact feeling and file it in a gallery somewhere so that he can always go back to it. To feel it again. Because really, he's never going to feel anything nearly as vibrant as this; nothing will ever compare to the moment Remus Lupin kissed him back.

"You," Remus breathes.

"What?" Sirius still has his eyes closed, not wanting to open them.

What if he's dreaming? He can't let this be a dream. It's too good.

"I like you." He feels Remus' hand cup his face, so he finally opens his eyes. Remus' eyes look bigger than ever, so close to his face. "It's always only ever been you, Sirius."

"I fell first," Sirius responds, smirking.

Remus rolls his eyes, but he's grinning. "Everything's a competition with you."

"Yep, and I fell first," he repeats.

"Well, I fell harder," Remus says and pulls him in for another kiss.

***

26th March, 1977

"Do you think we should tell them?" Remus whispers into his ear. They're in Sirius' bed (Remus had snuck over as soon as James left for his secret rendezvous with Merlin knows who), and Remus is subconsciously playing with Sirius' hair - which is driving him insane.

"James and Peter?"

Remus hums in response.

"Yes, but not yet." He squeezes Remus more, cuddling closer. Sirius loves going to bed now, and counts down the minutes until James leaves the room and Peter begins to snore, because it means Remus is going to run across the room like a guy on fire. Every time he does, he jumps through the curtains, landing right on top of Sirius, who just giggles and kisses him.

He loves their little routine in the making.

They haven't done anything yet, it's only been a couple of days. The majority of the time, they just hug, and kiss, and sleep. Touching each other as much as they can. Making up for all those lost years.

"He knows I'm obsessed with you already anyway," Sirius says through a yawn. "Had a little rant at him a few days ago about it. He actually gave me some pretty sound advice."

"Oh, really?" Remus chuckles quietly. "And what was that?"

"He said that romantic relationships aren't always going to be easy, just like how other relationships you have aren't. It's not going to be one big fantasy, but in the end it doesn't matter, because it's all worth it for the good parts."

Remus doesn't say anything for a while, and Sirius can pretty much hear the cogs moving around and working in his head.

"Are we in a relationship?" Remus asks.

"I..." Sirius hadn't expected that question. "I've liked you for almost six years, I think. You're definitely not just some silly crush, I wasn't lying when I said I'm obsessed with you." Sirius tilts his head up to look at Moony. "Do you want to be my boyfriend?"

Remus stares down at him, eyes darker than usual in the blackened room.

"I do," he says simply.

"Then that is what you are."

"And do you want to be my boyfriend?" Remus says.

"I want to be your husband." Sirius looks up at him seriously, blinking.

"How about you be my boyfriend for now, and in a few years I'll propose?"

Sirius feels a twist in his chest and just knows his cheeks are so red right now, but he really doesn't care. Remus pretty much just promised him a proposal and that... That will be his greatest accomplishment in life; to say yes to Remus Lupin.

"Deal," he agrees and presses a kiss to Remus' chin. "Have you got Prongs anything for his birthday yet?"

"Yes, Sirius. It's literally tomorrow."

"What did you get him? Chocolate?" Sirius jokes, but when Remus goes silent, he laughs. "So original, Moony."

"Well, what did you get him?"

"Socks."

"Socks? You got him socks for his seventeenth birthday?" Remus raises an eyebrow, not even trying to keep the humour out of his face.

"I knitted them myself. They are beautiful. Do not judge the socks, Moony. They also have a little secret in them," Sirius whispers the last part. "They have a tracking spell on them, because I want to catch him in the act with his lover."

Remus jolts at this. "Really? What if you see something you can't... you know, unsee?"

Sirius shrugs. "I've seen plenty of horrific things growing up, I'm sure I'll survive."

They don't talk much more after that, instead falling asleep.

***

28th March, 1977

Sirius' head fucking kills.

Maybe excessively drinking at James' party wasn't the brightest idea he's ever had, but hey-ho. Once James left last night, Sirius snuck into Remus' bed. He had to fake-snore because he knew James would not have left him that drunk if he was awake. So, he pretended.

As soon as James left, Sirius had whipped out his wand and tried to inact the tracking spell in James' new socks, but they only led him to James' trunk. The idiot left them behind. So, instead of his original plans to follow James and laugh at him, Sirius found Remus.

He didn't get much sleep for the rest of the night; sleeping with Remus can sometimes be like sleeping next to a radiator. Usually Sirius doesn't mind, but he's drunk right now, so everything is more noticeable and uncomfortable.

Due to his light sleeping, he wakes up when he hears someone blurt, "Fuck!" He's jolts out of the warm haze he was in before and comes back to the present. The first thing he notices are Remus' scarred arms - they're wrapped around Sirius' waist, whilst Remus himself is behind Sirius, snuggled up against his back. He's still asleep.

Sirius smiles embarrassingly wide and breathes in the familiar scent of Moony. Chocolate and a sort of wood smell that reminds Sirius of the full moons they spend roaming the Forbidden Forest.

James is hobbling around the room, simultaneously trying to put his glasses on and grab something from his trunk. He takes the map with him (of course; he keeps doing that, which is why Sirius had to make a tracking device instead), as well as the socks (yes!).

As soon as James leaves, Sirius gently removes Remus from around him and slides out of the bed. He grabs his wand and triggers the tracker. His wand lights up and, like a compass, turns to the direction he should follow.

Eagerly, he follows it, not even bothering to put shoes on. He cannot miss this.

On his way down through the castle, Sirius thinks of who it could possibly be. Maybe Marlene (probably not though, she seems to have a thing for Dorcas), or Lily. Maybe Charleigh Maine from their DADA class?

Oh, the possibilities.

Sirius has been caught making out with girls in the past many times, whether it was by James, Peter, one of the girls, or even Remus (which he feels very bad about now). But he's never caught James with anyone. He knows James has kissed girls before, but he doesn't know who. Also, James has never continually met up with anyone like he has been doing this year, so Sirius is excited to see who the future Mrs Potter could be.

He has to hide behind a statue of an old goblin because he sees Mulciber, Avery, and Wilkes making their way down the corridor. Mulciber's face is painted with a smug sneer, whilst the other two are chortling about something or other.

"Just wait until he finds him," Wilkes sniggers, as they walk in the opposite direction to where Sirius is hiding.

Once they are out of sight, Sirius emerges from behind the statue and continues.

His wand takes him outside and through the grounds and, to his surprise, towards the Black Lake. The spell stops working when he approaches the Oak tree that he knows so well. Last year Snivellus called Lily a Mudblood, so James and Sirius taught him a few manners.

Ok, maybe they took it a bit too far, but they did get their point across effectively in Sirius' eyes.

Either way, that doesn't matter now. He's matured. He knows not to pick on people anymore blah, blah, blah.

He's confused as to why the tracking spell ended here. James is not here. He starts closer to the lake, when his foot comes into contact with something.

The map.

The socks.

They're lying next to James' wand and his glasses.

Something is not right-

Just as Sirius is about to start yelling James' name, a loud smack comes from the direction of the lake. Sirius is hit by a few pellets of water, as two tentacles rise out and to the surface, bringing with it-

"Reg!" Sirius drops to the ground at the same time the Squid drops his brother's body on the grass.

His body.

And his arms- his legs- they're sitting wrong on the ground, all twisted and warped and lying in strange positions, looking like rubber poles attached to his body.

He isn't breathing... he's not...

Next to him, the Squid drops another body. It takes Sirius a moment to notice that it isn't just anybody, it's...

"James! James- No, no. Regulus. Someone h- HELP!" He yells through his crackled throat, but it's no use. The tears on his face are too harsh, making him almost incoherent.

They're his brothers. The two people he loves most in the world and they're- they're both...

Sirius doesn't know how he does it; maybe it's the adrenaline running through him, or the desperation inside of him. He's never been able to do it before, and has only ever seen James and Remus do it as a form of communication when they were on opposite sides of the castle for a prank.

He sends a patronus up to Madame Pomfrey.

He doesn't remember doing it. He doesn't remember what he said. The only proof he did it at all is the sprinting ethereal version of Padfoot heading towards the castle.

Sirius bends down and reaches out with his two shaking hands, resting two fingers on Regulus' neck and two on James'.

No pulse.

From either of them.

He lets out another sob and knows he's running out of time. He needs to get them to the hospital now. He tries to levitate them, but has never been able to levitate two things at once. He levitates James (who would be harder to carry), and drags Regulus over his shoulder.

Stumbling the whole time, he heads in the direction of the castle, his body still wracking with sobs.

They can't die.

Neither of them can die.

They're his brothers.

He needs them. Both of them.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

He doesn't know how long it is before Madame Pomfrey is running at breakneck speed towards him, with two conjured beds floating at her head. He pretty much collapses to the ground as soon as he sees her. She gets to him in no time and gently (but wasting no time) places the floating James on a bed, and Regulus on another.

"Come with me," she says swiftly to him and begins to run back towards the castle. He's never seen her run before. Never.

He finds the strength in his legs to get up off the ground and fucking sprint up to the castle. He catches up to Pomfrey quickly and opens the doors for her.

He watches as she places both boys down on beds in the hospital wing. She turns to him and orders him to get McGonagall as quickly as he can. Sirius is out of there before she even finishes her sentence.

His fists pound against the door frantically.

McGonagall doesn't even look disturbed or angry once she opens the door. Instead, her face is full of worry and urgency.

"Pomfrey... hospital..." Is all Sirius manages before he's running again.

McGonagall's shoes click after him and they get there in no time. This is the moment Sirius could not for the life of him say what happened next. Somehow, he blacked out whilst still being conscious.

The first thing that brings him back is McGonagall's voice saying, "He's alright. I've got a pulse. I've managed to remove all of the water from his lungs. Any luck?"

Pomfrey gives her a solemn look and shakes her head. From where he's lifelessly standing only feet away, Sirius can see the tears forming in the medi-witch's eyes.

"You can't give up!" Sirius shouts, moving forward.

He stares at the two beds holding the drowned boys. Their arms are hanging off the beds like limp fishes, almost like they're trying to reach out for each other. This is when Sirius notices that Madame Pomfrey is standing over Regulus.

Reg.

"There's nothing else we can do, Sirius. I'm sorry," she says calmly as tears pour down her face.

"No. No! He's-" He steps forward and feels his legs give way. He doesn't try to catch himself.

Sirius takes his brother's hand and stares at his sunken face.

He looks dead.

He fucking looks dead.

That's because he is, a voice in his head says.

"He's my brother. He's my Reg- you can't just give up! You can't-"

"Sirius," McGonagall whispers. He can feel her hand on his shoulder, as if that will comfort him. Nothing will comfort him right now.

"Time of death," he hears someone say behind him, "is 6:23am."

"NO!" Sirius screams. "No no no."

"Sirius-"

He turns and pushes McGonagall's hand off him. He doesn't want to be touched. He doesn't want to be reminded that this is real. He will not live in a world that doesn't have Regulus in it.

"No," he repeats more calmly. "I- let me try something first. P- please."

McGonagall and Pomfrey share a long look, and finally McGonagall turns back to him and nods.

He stands up and tries to remember what Lily taught him back in fourth year.

She once told him that Muggles are magic too, but not in the same way that wizards and witches are. They have a logical magic, one that is based off science and numbers and life experience. She told him that there are things Muggles can do that wizards cannot, and vice versa.

Sometimes you just have to use what the world provides you with, rather than always relying on the glorification of what you think is all you have.

He loops his hands together and places them in the middle of his brother's chest. Sirius tries to blink the tears out of his eyes, so that he can see as much as possible, but it's no use. His eyes are apparently permanently blurry now.

He beats down on his brother's chest at the rate a heart should be beating and tries not to focus on the hollow emptiness of it. After around thirty compressions, he tilts Reg's limp head back and pinches his nose, making sure to hold his chin in place. Then he breathes air into his mouth, hoping it will work.

It has to work.

He repeats these steps a couple more times and has no response.

"Come on, Reg! Come on!"

"Sirius-"

"No! He's just being a stubborn little shit like always-" Sirius says, before breathing into his brother's mouth again. "I know you're in there, Reg! Come back! Come-" he slams his fists against Regulus' chest "-back!"

Water starts to burst out of Regulus' mouth, so Madame Pomfrey comes in and spells it out and into a bucket.

The bucket overflows.

Sirius sits on the floor in a ball, falling back. He hadn't even noticed McGonagall's arms around him until now, holding him closer to her chest. Like a mother.

"It's alright now," she whispers. "You did it."

"There's a pulse," he hears someone say.

Sirius starts to laugh manically, but it quickly turns to cries. He shakes in McGonagall's arms and she let's him. They stay like that for a while.

His throat is sore and dry and he ends up having a coughing fit. McGonagall passes him some water and moves him over to a chair in between both of the occupied beds. They've put a curtain around both boys, so that Sirius can sit with them in private.

Once he's finished his cup of water, he realises he doesn't want to be alone.

He wishes he was back in bed with Remus, all snuggled up and warm.

"Professor?" Sirius croaks, his voice still a bit scratchy from drinking too much the night before, and from all the crying.

"Yes, dear?"

"Can you please get Remus and Peter? Also, maybe Reg's friends, uh- Pandora Lovegood, Dorcas Meadowes, Evan Rosier, Barty Crouch, and Emma Vanity?"

"Alright," she goes to leave and then stops in the crack of the curtain. "I've sent an owl to Mr and Mrs Potter, they're expected to arrive very soon."

Sirius feels an immense bubble of relief expand inside of him at that.

"I've also sent one to Mr and Mrs Black, as technically they are still the legal guardians of your brother, though I understand the process of the Potter's trying to claim his guardianship is underway."

Sirius stares blankly at the Professor.

Would his parents actually come? His father is ill and dying - so probably not. But would their mother? She had wanted to see Reg at Christmas, so maybe she'll take this opportunity to try and see him. To try and lure him back to that godforsaken house.

When he doesn't respond, McGonagall smiles knowingly down at him. She squeezes his shoulder and informs him that after she collects his friends and asks Slughorn to gather Reg's, she is going to her office to await the arrival of the Potters. He listens as her shoes echo across the flagstones, the noise getting more faint as she leaves.

"Sirius," Madame Pomfrey's voices comes from behind him. "Could I ask you some questions? The sooner we account what happened, the easier it will be to properly and thoroughly sort the whole situation out."

He turns and nods, still silent.

Sirius' eyeballs feel itchy and tight, like he's cried them dry. He sips on the water McGonagall gave him and sits on one of the chairs between the sleeping boys' beds, gesturing that Pomfrey sit in the one beside him. She smiles at him, lifting the skirt of her dress a bit as she sits comfortably next to him.

"What exactly would you like to know?" He sighs, not making eye contact with her. It may be impolite, but that is the least of his worries at the moment.

"How did you find them? Did you go with them?"

"I... made James some socks for his birthday," Sirius flushes as he admits this, "with a tracking spell on. He took them with him, so I followed him."

"Did you see what happened?" She asks in a kind sort of motherly voice that eases his nerves. He's grateful that she doesn't ask him why he was stalking his best friend. 

"No. I was right behind him, but I-" Sirius stops, suddenly remembering something- something really fucking important that, in all of the chaos, he had forgotten about. "I saw Muciber, Wilkes, and Avery. I didn't want them to see me, so I hid behind a statue." How could he have forgotten? One of them had said something; they'd been laughing. "I waited for a couple of minutes, and when I got down to the lake they were-" Just wait until he finds him.

How could he have forgotten? How could it have completely slipped his mind?

Just wait until he finds him.

That's what Wilkes had said.

Had he been talking about Sirius finding them?

Him. He'd said him. Not them.

Maybe he had meant wait until James found Regulus?

But how would they have known Regulus and James were both going to be down by the lake? What were they doing down by the lake? Why was-

"Sirius?" Madame Pomfrey's voice calls from somewhere distant. "Sirius? Are you ok, Sweetie?"

"Yeah," he says, not fully convinced himself.

"You said you went down to the lake and they were... what?"

Sirius snaps back to and realises he hadn't even told her the most important part. "When I got there, no one was there. Then the squid that lives in the lake came out of nowhere and dumped them on the ground. They were- they didn't have pulses, either of them. They- I thought they were-" Sirius coughs, clearing his throat. He doesn't want to cry again, at least not yet. "I don't even remember casting the patronus, only seeing it. It was all sort of a blur after that. I knew the patronus might not get to you in time, and I couldn't just sit there and do nothing when they were- Anyway, so I carried Reg because he's the lightest and I can only levitate one thing at a time. James is heavier. So."

"Oh, Sirius."

Sirius turns to look at the medi-witch and notices that she's crying. Her eyes are full of sorrow and pity - which a part of him hates. She reaches out and squeezes his hand.

"Poor dear."

"I'm fine," he says, perhaps a bit too rudely. "Sorry."

"I only have one more question for you." She pulls away from him and reaches for a tissue out of her pocket, gently dabbing at the corners of her wrinkled eyes. "Do you know what happened to your brother?"

Sirius stares at her with disbelief.

What? Of course he fucking knows what happened. He almost bloody drowned, and he's betting it was Mulciber and his idiots. Sirius isn't going to tell her that. No. All they'll get from a teacher is a slap on the wrist, maybe a suspension. Sirius knows that won't be enough. They attacked Regulus and James. They're going pay in their blood for that.

"He... drowned."

"I mean, what happened to his arms and legs?"

"What?" Sirius remembers faintly the way his brother's limbs were flopping from his body all wrong, sitting on the grass like a ragdoll.

"All of the bones in his legs and arms were gone, which means someone did this to your brother. It was intentional. Do you know anyone who might want to hurt Regulus, Sirius?" And suddenly the motherly warmth in her voice changes, and the tone becomes authoritative, like a teacher's. "Is there any possibility it was James who did this?"

"James?!" Sirius says loudly. "No way. He would never-"

"Sirius?!"

Sirius stops short and freezes in his chair. He can hear his blood pounding in his ears, as it begins to rush speedily through his body for the first time since finding two limp bodies beside the Black Lake.

"Sirius- Sirius!" Remus slaps open the curtain, with Peter standing in his shadow, and stops to stare at Sirius for a second. "Are you ok?"

Sirius lasts about 1.8 seconds before he stands up from his chair, crossing the two feet gap between him and his moon, and wraps his arms around Moony's torso. In no time at all, Remus hugs him back, squeezing him close to his chest.

"Are you alright? What happened? McGonagall wouldn't say- she said she had to get back for the Potters. Why are the Potters coming, Sirius?" They pull away from each other slightly, enough for Sirius to look up into Remus' brown eyes. "Where's-"

"James?" Peter gasps, moving quickly over to the bed on the left. "What happened to him?"

"Is that Regulus?" Remus asks, his face paling.

Sirius feels the tears return to his eyes as he shakily nods. "I'll explain later, it's a long story. I just want to-" He falls back into his chair, still holding onto Remus' waist. "Just let me sit? Please." He says it as a whisper, a prayer.

"Anything," Remus says back. When Sirius doesn't let go, Remus sits down on the arm of the chair and let's Sirius lean into him.

Sirius closes his eyes, breathing in the scent of Remus - chocolate, burnt candle wax, fresh pages of a new book. He nuzzles his nose into the boy's stomach, needing the comfort. A second later, he feels Remus' fingers moving smoothly through his hair, soothing some of the tiredness streaming through his every cell.

Someone clears their throat and Sirius slowly opens one of his eyes ever so slightly to see who is disrupting him. Peter is staring at them both, wide-eyed and curious.

"What?" Sirius' voice comes out flat.

"Nothing. Have you two finally realised you're soulmates?"

Sirius opens both eyes now, frowning. "What?" He repeats.

"Ever since that first day on the train, you guys- I don't know- you've just never been only friends, I suppose." Peter shrugs like it's no big deal. Like it's a known fact of the universe that Remus Lupin and Sirius Black are soulmates.

"Should we tell him?" Remus asks quietly.

"I think he already knows," Sirius chuckles, leaning closer. "Moony is my husband."

"Boyfriend," Remus squeaks.

"Fiancé," Sirius responds.

"Boyfriend," Remus repeats.

"Soulmate," Sirius concludes.

Remus doesn't argue with that.

"Regulus?"

"Regulus!"

"Madame Pomfrey?"

Almost half a dozen voices start yelling from the entrance of the hospital, and Madame Pomfrey gets up, rolling her eyes a bit. Sirius recognises the voices as being Regulus' friends. He's proved right when they all come bursting through the curtains, in a similar fashion to the way Remus had.

"Oh!" Dorcas stops immediately, hands covering her mouth as she takes in the sight of Reg lying there. Sirius can't even look at his brother. He still looks dead. The colour still drained from his face. His usually pink cheeks as white as porcelain.

"What happened?" Evan asks the room.

Pandora and Emma stand beside Dorcas, all hugging each other as they watch Regulus' unmoving form. To Sirius' surprise, Barty is standing with Evan holding his hand. He's crying. Silent tears run down his face. He hasn't said anything since he's been here, which is very unlike Barty. Like Sirius, he's a vocal person, who likes to voice his opinions and every thought. But now, he's as still as stone, staring at nothing in the air.

Shock, Sirius thinks. He's going through a state of shock, just like Sirius was when McGonagall and Pomfrey were trying to revive Reg and James.

"We don't know yet. Sirius got here first, but I think he needs a second to breathe before he tells us anything," Peter says. Sirius sends him a grateful smile, and Pete winks back. "Just give him a second, yeah?"

"Alright," Evan says reluctantly. "Does Pomfrey know what happened?"

"Yeah," Sirius speaks now, his voice coming out like a robot. "They... they drowned."

Sirius doesn't tell them much, only the bare minimum, which is almost too much for him already. Evan eventually goes off with Pandora and Dorcas to find Madame Pomfrey to get more details of the incident from her. To Sirius' surprise, Emma goes over to Peter, who wraps her up in his arms. 

Barty has still barely moved and hasn't spoken since he arrived.

"Barty?" Sirius calls him, and the boy snaps out of his trance, wiping the tears from his cheeks. "He's going to be alright."

"Yeah," the boy croaks. He clears his throat, "I know. I just- I've never seen him look so peaceful before."

"Me neither. It's haunting," Sirius replies, standing. He walks over to Barty and lays a hand on his shoulder. "Ever since we were kids, he's slept in a ball in his bed. Always one to steal the covers and toss about in his sleep, the little wanker." Sirius laughs lightly, because if he doesn't he knows he will cry. "He's never been so... still."

Barty makes a choking noise in his throat. "Who did it?" He whispers so that only Sirius can hear.

"What?"

"Don't play dumb, Sirius. He didn't just spell away his own bones and then flail himself into the lake. Who the fuck did it? I know you know," Barty looks him dead in the eyes, eyebrows raising. "I can see it in your eyes. The thirst for revenge."

"You can't tell anyone, especially Remus, he'll only try and stop me."

"Same here. Don't tell Evan, he'll think I'm ridiculous."

"It was Mulciber, Avery, and Wilkes," Sirius says under his breath, widening his eyes.

"Again?" Barty spits.

"Again?!"

Barty looks around, making sure no one is listening into their private conversation. "Yeah. I mean, they've never done anything this bad before, but- They've kind of chosen Regulus as their target. It's gotten worse since he ran away from home and started living with the Potters. Just didn't know it would get this bad..."

"He never told me anything." Sirius stares at his brother and then - deciding it's easier to look at Barty - turns back. "I could have helped."

"That's exactly why he didn't tell you. He didn't want his oh-so-noble, Gryffindor big brother to come in and fight his battles for him."

Sirius sighs. His brother is such a stubborn little bitch. Though, he supposes he is too.

"So," Barty raises an eyebrow, mischief sparkling in his eyes, "what are we going to do about them?"

Sirius grins down at him, already forming an idea in his mind.

***

Effie and Monty arrive shortly, both red in the face and appearing exhausted. McGonagall apparently already filled them in on everything that happened, which saves Sirius having to retell the story for the third (or was it fourth?) time.

They both hugged him and kept thanking him for managing to save the both of them. Sirius repeated over and over again that he didn't really do anything, it was all Madame Pomfrey that did the saving. But they wouldn't have it and insisted on calling him a hero. This definitely inflated his ego beyond a healthy size, but what's a little ego inflation, eh?

Lily, Marls, and Mary come to visit James at some point during the day. Marlene cries, which scares Sirius because he's never seen the girl cry before, though he supposes James is like a brother to her. Those two have always had a special bond, one different to what Sirius has with the girls. 

Orion and Walburga hadn't shown up yet, and Sirius kind of concluded that they wouldn't be showing up, which is why he and Barty decided to sneak off. Now, they're searching the castle for any signs of the slimy Slytherin boys and where they could be.

"What are we going to do when we find them?" Barty questions him, as they walk out into the courtyard.

"I need to talk to Mulciber first, then feel free in joining me."

"I don't really feel like joining in on your little chitchat with-"

"I mean, feel free in joining me kill him."

Barty snickers beside him, but abruptly stops. Apparently, he settles eyes on Mulciber at the same time Sirius does. Him and his cronies are busy setting fire to paper balls in the air and seeing who can make the biggest scorch mark on a tree by shooting the fireballs at it, not even noticing Barty and Sirius behind them.

"Mulciber!" Sirius calls cheerily. "How funny it is that I find you here. Isn't that funny, Barty?"

"Hilarious," Barty says with as much enthusiasm as Sirius.

Mulciber and the other two turn around, immediately drawing smirks onto their faces.

"Oh, well if it isn't big brother Black." Mulciber sneers, his lip curling maliciously. "Tell me, how is your brother doing on this fine Spring morning?"

"Why did you do it?" Sirius snaps. "Picking on your own now, are you?"

"Do you really want to know? It's quite riveting." Wilkes and Avery smirk behind Mulciber, twisting Sirius' stomach.

"Spit it out," Sirius grits his teeth, easily losing his patience already. "Spit it out, or so help me, I will curse you into next week."

Barty remains next to Sirius, wand raised and aiming directly for Mulciber.

"Your brother is a queer." Mulciber says it with such disgust, his face contorts.

"And?" Sirius is about to properly lose it. If they don't explain why the fuck they did this to his brother- to James right now, he will kill them. He will watch as they suffer. He-

"The 'and' is the best part," Mulciber says calmly.

"I will kill you. I will actually fucking murder you in the middle of the school if you don't answer his question!" Barty speaks this time, sounding similar to the thoughts racing through Sirius' head.

Mulciber regards Barty for a second and then turns back to Sirius. There's a dangerous glint in his eyes that Sirius doesn't like, doesn't trust.

"Haven't you ever wondered where your precious Potter has been sneaking off to?"

Sirius deflates a bit in confusion - what does that have to do with anything? Next to him, Barty falters. He quickly glances at Sirius, panic in his eyes, and then glares back at Mulciber. If looks could kill, Mulciber would have died a thousand times over by Barty's stare alone.

"What does this have to do with Regulus?" Sirius shouts.

"Oh, everything." Mulciber chuckles, staring Sirius down like he's pathetic. "You don't even have the faintest clue, do you?"

"Mulciber, I swear to Merlin-"

"Potter and your brother have been meeting up all around this castle. Almost every night like clockwork Regulus leaves the Slytherin common room. And do you want to know where he goes? To fuck your best friend."

"You're lying!"

"Oh, believe me, I wish I was. It's disgusting that the sorting hat would let a queer into Slytherin. Sadly, it is true." Mulciber fake-sighs. He's having fun with this. He's having fucking fun. Sirius wants to hurt him - badly. "I've seen it. They were pretty much undressing each other in the bloody corridor a few weeks ago. Could have gone without seeing that-"

"Shut up! Shut your bloody mouth!" Sirius yells.

Mulciber's façade breaks for the first time and maybe - if Sirius isn't imagining it - he looks scared.

Good.

He should be fucking scared.

"You're lying," he repeats.

"I'm not, but if you don't believe me," Mulciber steps closer. "Just ask your brother. Oh, wait- you can't, he's at the bottom of the lake."

Sirius curses him at the same time Barty does. Mulciber's face begins to simultaneously swell and cover in large yellow pimples - the size of large grapes.

He storms away, leaving the remnants of Mulciber and his messed up face for Wilkes and Avery to sort out between themselves.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Sirius can hear Barty trying to keep up with him, saying something. But Sirius can't hear him. He can't-

His brother.

His fucking brother! That's who James has been sneaking around with the whole time? Since October?!

His little brother? The one who lives in James' house.

His best friend? James?

Regulus had to go and pick James?

He thinks of all the lies they've both told him since then. It's been months. Months! (Six, to be exact - that's half a year!) And they've been lying to him the whole time.

Are they actually together? What are they doing when they're sneaking off together? Has James infiltrated his baby brother? Has Regulus corrupted sweet, innocent (though not so much now) James?

He does not feel his anger leave him. It stays.

It stays when Barty is trying to get his attention.

It stays when he slams open the doors to the hospital wing.

It stays when Effie asks if he's alright.

It stays when Remus asks what's wrong.

And it fucking stays when - for the first time since his birthday - he sees James. Awake. Staring back at him.

Sirius knows he should feel relief that his friend is alive, happy that he is awake, and grateful that he seems fine. But all he can think about is all the fucking lies. He hates it. He remembers when there was a point where he and James told each other everything. Only between themselves - they wouldn't even tell Remus and Pete some things.

They've always been like that.

James and Sirius.

Prongs and Padfoot.

Best friends.

Brothers.

"Sirius," James smiles at him. "Thank you. Mum told me it was you who-"

"Shut up!" Sirius says loudly, covering his ears. He probably looks crazy right now. He feels crazy. "Everyone needs to leave. Please," he adds, knowing Effie is somewhere behind him (and he never wants to be disrespectful to her).

Barty helps to usher everyone out - he obviously knows why Sirius is acting the way he is, and Sirius hopes he appears justified in at least Barty's eyes.

"What?" James is no longer smiling, instead he's pouting a bit. Sirius notices the darkening bags under his friend's eyes, and the paleness of his skin, like it was drained of all life. Like the water cleaned it out of him. "Sirius?" James is staring at him warily, like he knows something is coming.

Merlin, Sirius hates that he knows him so well. Can't he just let Sirius be suddenly mad at him and not know it's coming?

"It was Mulciber and-" James starts and Sirius interrupts him by rudely saying, "I know. I've already sorted it."

"You've already... Oh, no. What did you do? I've told mum and dad who it was, so they're going to tell McGonagall."

Sirius shrugs.

"That's not my main priority right now."

Sirius decides to ignore James. The fucking traitor. He turns and strides over to Reg's bed. He sits on the edge of it and pulls the covers up further to give his hands something to do. His brother still hasn't woken up yet.

"What's your main priority then?" James asks with a nervous laugh.

Sirius doesn't answer.

"Sirius."

No answer.

"Sirius!"

Nope.

"For goodness sake! Please, talk to me. Did I do something? I- I almost died and I- all I've wanted to do since I woke up was see you, but you're-" James stutters, clearly crying. Guilt twists stickily in Sirius' stomach.

He lied.

For six months.

He fucking lied to you.

"Well, maybe I'd give you my attention if you deserved it."

"Sirius- Please-"

"No, James." Sirius turns to him, eyes widening. "No. You don't get to cry and suddenly think everything is all better."

"But please just tell me what I did- I'll fix it. I will. I'll-"

"Nothing you do will fix this," Sirius says truthfully. "We used to tell each other everything. Only each other. Everything I knew, you knew too." Sirius used to think of it like their souls were one, even if they were in two separate bodies. They knew each other inside and out, but now... It hasn't felt like that for a long time. "When did you start hiding things from me? When did we end?"

"What- we didn't end, Sirius! What are you-"

"We will never be what we were before." He turns back to his brother, stroking the hair out of his face. "You chose to keep things from me. You chose to lie to me. You and him... that isn't even the problem." Sirius looks up again and meets James' eyes - full of one thing; guilt. "It was the fucking lies."

"I'm s-"

"No," Sirius shakes his head calmly. "Nothing you say to me will ever change that fact, James. Nothing you say will ever fix what we had, because it's dead." He gets up and walks over to the crack in the curtains. He glances over his shoulder at James once more. "You killed it."

***

Walburga and Orion never show up, which Sirius isn't completely surprised by. He hadn't expected them to, they already know they've lost Regulus.

Something that did completely surprise him: Bellatrix and Narcissa coming to Hogwarts. Sirius hasn't spoken to Bellatrix since that Christmas he ran away - when his parents announced he was to marry her (which even she had seemed against). The last time he saw Narcissa was a few months ago, last Christmas, when she came looking for Reg.

As kids, his older cousins were fun. He remembers always looking forward to the days where they would come round. They were sneaky and great at playing hide and seek. Plus, it meant they could play in teams. Sirius always teamed up with Bellatrix - she was always the best at seeking. Regulus was always the one best at hiding, but that might have been because he was the smallest.

Andromeda used to visit too, but being the oldest meant she wasn't interested in things such as hide and seek and tag in the garden. As Sirius got older, he grew out of things like that and would hang around with Andromeda, whilst his other cousins and Reg still played hide and seek.

They drifted, as people tend to do when they grow older. There's never been any bad blood between them, except maybe when Narcissa tried to drag Regulus back to Walburga and Orion's care. They just grew apart.

Sirius is surprised to see them here because he wasn't aware they cared so much about precious little Reg.

"Hello cousins. May I help you?" He's been standing outside the curtains, ignoring James, for the past hour. Effie and Monty, as well as Remus and Peter, are in there with James right now. All of Regulus' friends have stuck by his side pretty much since they got here.

"We came to see how Regulus is doing," Bellatrix says simply. "He's our family."

Sirius raises an eyebrow. "He's as much your family as I am, yet you didn't give a flying shit when I was being murdered in the room next to you."

"Sirius-" Narcissa begins, but Bellatrix holds up a hand to cut her off.

"I'm sorry, Siri." (That's what she used to call him when they were kids.) "Really. I truly am. I think about that day all the fucking time and I- I wish I'd have just swallowed my fear and helped you. You know how our father is, he's much like your parents in his way of punishments."

"Yet you're here now."

"Like you said, you're as much our family as Reg is." Bellatrix stares at him and, for some reason, Sirius knows she's being sincere. "I'm really sorry. Since moving out I haven't spoken to my parents much, and I've only really had Cissy. Andromeda-" She flinches in the same way she always does whenever she hears the older sister's name. "Well, I don't think she really wants to see me. You and Regulus... you're all I really have left."

Sirius stares at his cousin. He knows what it's like to be gripped with fear by your own parents - the people who are supposed to protect you. He even witnessed his cousins have to suffer through it once or twice when he was younger. He'd just never really thought about it too deeply; maybe his cousins had been going through the same thing he and Reg had been going through for all these years.

"Sirius?"

"I forgive you, Bells." Sirius gives her a small smile and she grins with relief. "Of course, I do."

"What about me?" Narcissa flinches, looking up warily. Sirius towers over both of his cousins, even though they are over twenty and he's only seventeen. "Do you think you can forgive me?"

"Depends," Sirius squints his eyes at her, folding his arms. "You're getting married, right?"

"Yes."

"Can I bring my boyfriend?"

"Sure," she replies with a straight face.

Hmm...

"Can I be a bridesmaid?"

"I mean, you'd be a bridesman-"

"No," Sirius holds up a hand. "I want it be a bridesmaid."

Narcissa looks to Bellatrix, who just nods and states, "He wants to be a bridesmaid."

"Ok then," Narcissa nods too. "You can be a bridesmaid Sirius."

"Excellent!" He claps his hands together with joy and grins at his cousins. "Oh, and Andy asks about you every week, so you still have her." He looks at Bellatrix; after dropping that bomb on them, he decides to stride away. He needs a shower - it's been too long.

***

Regulus doesn't wake up on the same day as James. He doesn't wake up the second day either, to Sirius' concern. Madame Pomfrey tells him that it's normal for someone whose heart stopped to be in a coma. Effie and Monty end up staying in Hogsmeade, saying they aren't going back home until they know Regulus is ok and up and about again.

Sirius overheard James telling Remus and Peter - not Sirius, he's still ignoring the boy - that he went into the lake after Regulus. He said he didn't know how long Regulus was under for before he got there. It could have been seconds or even minutes.

On the second day, Mulciber, Avery, and Wilkes get expelled. Sirius is happy to hear he doesn't have to see their ugly faces anymore - he doesn't know what he would do if one of them were to provoke him in the corridor. 

There's a rumour going around that they were seen leaving the school with boneless hands. A gathering of students had witnessed the three boys complaining about how they couldn't reverse it, as their hands sat floppily on their wrists.

Sirius doesn't know who did it, but he does know that whoever did do it used the same spell Mulciber used to take Reg's bones away. Remus is the one who tells him about it, saying he overheard a group of fifth-year girls talking about it. Sirius laughed when he heard about it. 

Good, he'd thought. That's what they deserve. 

Remus had expressed his opinion on the matter by saying, "Guess they won't be getting any magic done without their hands," with a satisfied smirk.

"Do you have any idea who could have done it?" Sirius asked, eyes squinted at his boyfriend.

"Nope," Remus shrugged.

And that was that.

Now, it's the third day. Sirius hasn't been going to classes ever since the incident, instead coming down to the hospital wing and sitting with his brother all day. Sometimes, he'll have some company; Barty and Dorcas visit a lot, as well as the rest of Regulus' friends. Sometimes Remus will join him too, or even Peter.

James was let out of hospital the morning after he woke up. He hasn't come down to see Regulus once, which Sirius is both glad and annoyed about. Surely, if he cares about Regulus enough to sneak off with him and keep him a secret from Sirius, then he's important enough to visit. 

Remus keeps telling Sirius that James is trying to give him space, since he asked for some. But still.

It's on the third day after everything that Regulus finally opens his eyes. Sirius has been reading to him for half of the morning, he used to do this when Regulus couldn't sleep as a child. Sirius hears his gasping breath and looks up from the pages. He meets his brothers dark-brown eyes and he finally feels himself breathe for the first time in three days.

"Baby, it's ok. You're alright." He realises as he says it that he hasn't called Regulus Baby for a very long time.

Regulus takes in a few short breaths, quickly releasing them like he's testing his own ability to breathe. He winces and Sirius thinks his lungs probably feel horrible. They had been clogged up with so much of that lake water; he remembers the way it had filled up a whole bucket, and then continued to overflow.

"W-" Regulus begins and immediately coughs, his voice coming out all scratchy and raw.

"Here." Sirius passes him a glass of water - his glass, but oh well. Reg takes it and stares at the water for a moment, some internal battle reflecting in his eyes. They falter and then he closes them, bringing the rim of the glass to his mouth. Sirius doesn't expect his brother to start coughing and spluttering out the water.

Sirius reaches out and rubs soothing circles on his brother's back until the coughing dies down.

"Are you ok?"

Regulus nods. "Just... the water." He looks up, eyes watering a little from the coughing, and glares at the glass now on the bedside table.

"The wa- Oh."

Oh.

He hadn't really thought about how that might effect Regulus, though now he thinks about it, it probably wasn't the best idea that the first thing his brother did after almost drowning was consuming more water. Sirius just wanted to help him.

"Sorry."

"No, it's fine," Regulus says. At least his voice sounds less rough now. "How long was I out for?"

"Three days."

Regulus shoots up, sitting with his back straight.

"Three days? I-" Regulus shakes his head, blinking harshly. "Do you know who it was?"

"Mulciber and the other two, yeah. They've already been expelled, so you won't have to deal with them anymore."

"Ok," Regulus nods. "What happened... after?"

Sirius stiffens. This is the part of the story he hates. He can still see the image of his brother laying lifeless on the grass: not moving, not breathing, boneless. Luckily, Madame Pomfrey was able to grow the bones in his arms and legs back, using Skelligrow. They'd officially finished growing back yesterday, which means Regulus was lucky enough to be asleep during the painful ordeal. Though Sirius doesn't doubt it probably still hurts.

"I found you... and James." Better to just rip the plaster off rather than waste time prancing around the truth. "He- uh- he jumped in after you. By the time I got there he must have been under for a minute or two at least. The squid lifted you both out and I tried to drag you both up to the castle. Madame Pomfrey ended up helping me because I-" His voice cracks. "I couldn't... Anyway, it was a rough day for everyone involved. Are you sure you're ok? I can get the nurse."

"No, I'm fine," Regulus answers. Sirius can tell he's not really paying attention anymore, he's deep in thought. "James went in after me?"

"Yes," Sirius replies blank-faced.

Regulus looks at him through the corner of his eyes. "Is he alright?" He asks the question carefully, clearly not trying to give anything away, even though Sirius already knows by now.

"He's fine."

"Are you sure because he has a tendency to say he's fine, when really-"

"I said he's fine, Reg!" Sirius yells, not meaning to. He swallows, clearing his throat. "Just... stop talking about him."

"Why? What happened between you two? I thought you guys were like this," Regulus shows Sirius his crossed fingers.

"He lied to me. We never lie to each other."

"About?" Regulus asks, completely oblivious to his part in all of this.

Sirius sighs, "You."