Morning Star

10th March, 1977

James jolts awake, sweat hardens itself around his body which is tangled in the sheets of his bed. He mumbles, turning on his side, unaware of why he has woken so suddenly. His face scrunches up, feeling strange with the lack of his glasses on his face.

Then, like a repeating chorus, he hears it again.

A scream.

He sits up in his bed, stiffening, suddenly very awake.

The scream becomes muffled and the abruptly stops, as if someone has had their mouth covered to silence them. James is aware that the scream has come from his right side, which is where Peter's bed resides.

He wonders why Peter could be screaming at such an early time; what time is it?

"Pete," James groans. He lifts himself out of his bed and makes his way over to Peter's bed in the corner. "Why on earth are you screaming at this ti-"

He stops short when he opens Peter's bed hangings, finding a disturbed looking Peter. Next to him, Sirius is perched on the very edge of the mattress, crouching like some scrounger, with his palm fully covering Peter's face. He has a wild glint in his eyes, that mixed with something resembling desperation.

"Sirius?" James says, perhaps too loudly, because a moment later Remus is grumbling. The curtains surrounding his bed part slightly, and a second later his head pops out of the gap. James can barely make him out in the darkness of the room, but he can tell the boy is both squinting and has his nostrils flared in that way he always does whenever someone pisses him off.

"What the fuck are you all doing?" He growls, sounding startlingly like the werewolf waiting to burst free inside him. "It is four in the goddamned morning! Go. To. Sleep!"

Peter shuffles away from Sirius' hand and whispers, "I was asleep. Then I felt something move in my bed, so I turned around and Sirius was just lying next to me. Like right next to me."

"Why?" James asks, pinching the bridge of his nose. Sleep. He needs sleep.

"I don't know - he scared the shit out of me." Peter shakes his head and takes a deep breath. "He was saying something before you came about-"

Peter is cut off by Sirius' hand slamming against his face once again, blocking his mouth from any further speech.

"That's enough out of you, Pete," Sirius says, grinning charmingly at James.

He isn't buying it.

"Why were you in his bed, Sirius?" He raises an eyebrow and puts his hands on his hips, channelling his inner Effie Potter.

"Nightmares?" Sirius responds, sounding as if he's questioning James rather than actually telling him.

"Pete?" James tilts his head to look at Peter, who shakes his head in response. "Right. Sirius you've just woken us all up. Please tell me you had a valid reason for this."

"Technically Peter woke you up."

"Let him go," he gestures to Peter, who is struggling to get away from Sirius' grip.

Sirius rolls his eyes but drops his hand. Peter lets out a deep breath and sighs with relief.

"He was saying something about Remus and Regulus, I think. I can't remember what exactly-" Peter yawns. "Just stuff like when did it start and why-"

"That's enough, Peter," Sirius says in a low voice. Peter shuts up immediately.

"I'm going back to bed," James announces to the room. He turns around and calls over his shoulder, "I suggest you do the same, Sirius."

He doesn't get a response, but he does hear Sirius make his way back over to his own bed. The metal on his bed hangings scratches obnoxiously against the metal of the pole attached to the canopy, making James flinch.

James smiles to himself. Sirius must have been desperate to go to Peter, especially in the middle of the night; he wanted to talk about Remus and Regulus, and their possible... relationship. An unexpected surge of jealously simmers in James' stomach, but he pushes it away. This is for Sirius.

The plan is working.

Sirius' jealousy is doing it's job.

James cannot wait to tell Regulus.

Remus hadn't said anything else after his outburst, making James think he probably fell right back to sleep after. It's his birthday tomorrow; he'll be seventeen, just like Sirius.

They weren't having a party like they usually would, instead Remus said he didn't really want to celebrate his birthday at all. He claimed it was because he was turning seventeen and didn't want to celebrate the fact that he was slowly dying, and getting closer to grey by the day. However, James had the sneaking suspicion that it wasn't to do with that at all.

Remus lost his parents in a car crash (some dangerous muggle invention) when he was eight - only three years after he was bitten. He'd been raised by his dad's mother for the most recent years of his life, but he hates living with her. She's always been judgemental of what he is; he never really goes back there anymore. Only at the beginning of every summer before he's off to stay with James. He pretty much lives there, along with Sirius, and Regulus too now.

He'd lost his parents only a day after his eighth birthday, so he tended to be a bit sombre around this time of year.

***

18th March, 1977

"Do I have to go?" Remus asks around a yawn. He fills his mouth with a spoonful of syrupy porridge and continues to talk - mouth full and everything. "It's not like I'll have a clue what's going on. I'll probably just be reading anyway."

"Of course you have to come, Moony!" Sirius exclaims, his face portraying disbelief. "We're against Hufflepuff! We'll be going toe-to-toe with Maxwell!" He sends a smile down the table to Toby, who is cosying up next to Mary on the Gryffindor table.

Believe it or not, they're actually friends. James supposes this isn't that surprising as Sirius is still good friends with Mary, but it is a bit strange how friendly they are with each other.

"Fine," Remus gives up. He never disappoints Sirius nowadays. "But Peter is not allowed to talk about Emma Vanity at all, or I'm leaving."

Sirius and James turn their heads in unison towards Peter who looks innocently bewildered.

"What? I don't talk about her that much," he says, earning three noises of disbelief from each boy. "Fine. Whatever. I won't say a thing."

"Great!" Sirius claps his hands together, grinning at where Remus is sitting opposite him. "We'll make it an entertaining game for you."

"I'm honoured," Remus replies flatly.

"You should be. I wouldn't do it for just anyone." Sirius blushes.

He's been doing that a lot recently - blushing. Ever since the party when Regulus flirted with Remus in front of him, he's started flushing bright red whenever he's cocky with Remus, which is something he never used to do. It's almost as if he's realised he actually means everything he says - now, what a surprise there.

"So, James," Sirius leans close to him. He whispers, "How's it going with your crush?"

James almost spits out the spoonful of cereal he just put in his mouth. Sirius is obviously trying to change the subject away from Remus. He just wishes Sirius hadn't chosen him to turn the focus to.

"Uhh... alright." Regulus' face from the previous morning pops into his head; they'd fed the squid and spoken more about that book Regulus was reading. He'd been beautiful.

James smiles unintentionally, spooning some more cereal into his mouth to try and cover it.

"Oh Merlin, you're smitten." Sirius barks out a laugh, leaning back in his chair and squeezing his eyes shut causing crinkles to form near his eyes. Remus watches him with a soft sort of stare that melts James' heart.

Soon, he tries to telepathically tell Remus. He'll realise soon.

"I don't know what you're talking about," James says.

"Mmm. Of course you don't," Sirius winks obviously at him. "I don't know what I'm on about either."

"Hey, aren't you supposed to be heading to the Quidditch pitch now," Peter pipes up.

He's right - the rest of the Gryffindor team have started to leave their seats and are heading for the exit. James quickly finishes the rest of his cereal, whilst beside him, Sirius stuffs a whole slice of toast in his mouth (which James finds both disgusting and hilarious). Then, they both get up, still chewing, and follow the rest of their team out.

As they reach the entrance to the Great Hall, Regulus and his friends appear from the Slytherin table. Evan and Barty walk either side of James, patting him on the back and wishing him good luck. Dorcas gives him a little nod before walking back in the direction of the dungeons. James imagines she probably doesn't want to watch Marlene play, after everything that happened. Pandora tells him she's preyed to Merlin for him and wished on her crystals - guaranteeing him a win. He thanks her, flashing her a teethy smile. She grins back before walking over to Sirius and - unexpectedly to James - falls into easy conversation with him.

Regulus looms behind James, Evan, and Barty. James looks back at him a couple of times - his hands are in his pockets, and he's staring at the back of James' head.

After turning to glance at Regulus for what must be the sixth time, Barty and Evan pat him on the back once more and stray ahead with the others. Barely a second later, Regulus catches up to James, matching his stride down towards the pitch.

"You nervous?" He asks, biting down on his bottom lip. James loves it when he does that, it reminds him of their time alone together. Time he cherishes most these days.

"No," James beams at him. "You'll be watching in the stands. Can't embarrass myself in front of you now can I, Reggie? You might go and find yourself someone else to spend your special time with-"

"No, no! We're not doing this," Regulus flaps his hands in the air. "You said you wouldn't call it that anymore. We have moved on. Besides, who else would I spend that time with? It's not like there is anyone else?"

Even though James knows Regulus doesn't mean it in the way he wants it to - it's not like there's anyone else - he suddenly feels giddy and full of adrenaline.

"Great, because there is no one else I would like to spend my-" James pauses at the glare Regulus sends his way. "My first experiences with."

James expects Regulus to ridicule him for the name. What he doesn't expect is for Regulus to blush and suppress a secret smile.

"Anyway, I'm James Potter, as you always so humbly put it." He gestures to himself, raising an eyebrow as if it answers everything. "Of course we're going to win. My confidence and unfailing talent will win us this game."

"And perhaps the help of your other team members," Regulus says.

"Well, obviously that too. Team work and all that!" James raises a weak fist in the air and mutters a woohoo.

Regulus shakes his head, chuckling under his breath.

Achievement.

They reach the pitch and Sirius is waiting for James with the rest of the team. Regulus pats him on the back before he goes to find his friends in the stands. It feels wrong.

Regulus has never patted him on the back before. Like, ever. And James doesn't think it will ever happen again. It felt too bro-ee (if that makes sense). Regulus has never been his bro or his mate, he's only ever been much less or much more.

He shakes it off and nods at Sirius as they make their way over to the broom cupboard. James and Sirius have the best brooms - they are Nimbuses.

The rest of the team are waiting for them in one of the tents beside the Quidditch pitch, ready for James to run through strategies one more time before the game begins.

"As long as you make sure the score is high enough - which it should be - that we can still win and they don't gain too many points, you grab that snitch, Pheebs." He nods at Phoebe Dawson - the Gryffindor seeker - who nods curtly back.

"Marls and Aimee, try to stick close enough to me that if I need to pass you the Quaffle, I can. But also try to cover as much ground as possible." He turns to face Kirley Duke - the keeper. "Duke, I'm sure you know what to do by now. Hufflepuff favour the right goal - your left - because they know you're right handed, so be ready."

He turns to Sirius and Edmund Warwick - the beaters - but before he can get a word out, Sirius stands up and waves a dismissive hand at James.

"Don't worry, Prongs, we know what to do. Cover you chasers as much as possible, and aim for Humberstone, Brown, and Tillcott." (Those are the Hufflepuff chasers.) "We're going to crush them!"

"That's the sort of attitude I'm looking for!" James pats Sirius on the back. He's full of adrenaline. He's ready. They are going to win. "Come on team! Let's go kick some Hufflepuff arse!"

They filter out of the tent, with James at the head of the group, and listen as half of the school cheers their names. There's a steady chant of Gryffindor! Go go Gryffindor! coming from the red and gold quarter of the stands. James grins up at the sea of people, taking in all that glory.

He loves this feeling. Everyone chanting his name, the red and gold banners, the adrenaline that lives and breathes in his veins, the eagerness to hear that whistle blow and to be able to shoot through the air and catch the Quaffle first.

He flies up into the air, floating in his correct starting position, with Sirius flying somewhere above him, and Marls close beside him.

Last year was his first year of being Captain and they won. This year, he is confident they will win again. This year they will win better.

He looks over at the Gryffindor stands for Remus and Pete. He's surprised to find Regulus sandwiched between the two Gryffindor boys. James doesn't know how - since he wasn't wearing it when he saw him only minutes before - but Regulus is now dressed in the red hoodie he stole from James all those weeks ago.

James smiles-

The whistle blows-

He's off.

***

23rd March, 1977

James hasn't seen Regulus in almost a week. He understands Regulus needs to study - he has his O.W.L's in a few months, but he misses him. Sometimes he goes to the library just so he can sit in a faraway corner and watch Regulus, his nose is always stuffed in a book.

He's always with his friends, usually either Pandora and Evan and Barty, or alone with Dorcas. He never studies with Emma, so James has taken a guess: Emma doesn't revise. She's like Sirius in that way - he never revises either, but still has the natural ability to pass with flying colours.

Either way, Regulus is always there.

Every day.

And not with James.

Which, quite frankly, feels like a crime.

"James," Sirius' voice falls through the cracks in his thoughts. "I really need to talk to you. It's urgent." He's sitting opposite him at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall; Sirius hasn't even touched his breakfast. Something must be wrong.

James did have plans to go to the library after breakfast and see if he could get away with watching Regulus for a couple of hours, but if Sirius is actually asking him to talk, that must mean that something is wrong. Really fucking wrong.

"Yeah mate, 'course," James responds. Sirius gets up and starts striding out of the hall.

To anyone who doesn't know Sirius Black, he probably looks his usual arrogant self, but James notices the things others don't. Like how Sirius' eyes dart around the hall as if he's waiting for an attack, and how his hands are in his pockets to hide the fact they are shaking.

James runs out after him and catches up with him at the stairs.

"So, this is serious?" James asks.

"Yep," Sirius responds.

"Wow. Something must be wrong if you missed out on the chance to tell a Sirius joke."

Sirius doesn't answer, instead increasing his pace up to Gryffindor Tower.

In truth, James hasn't been focusing on Sirius too much recently. He's been too afraid to catch him alone. He knows he should tell Sirius he's gay- he wants to. He's just so afraid of the reaction he'll get, but also... he's scared of more people knowing. Not because it will change who he is, but it will change the way people have always seen him.

Still, it's Sirius, he shouldn't be afraid.

And yet, he is.

Coward.

What a great Gryffindor he is.

Sirius stutters when saying the password to the Fat Lady.

He's scared.

Oh, Merlin. What's happened? Maybe it's the thing with his dad? Maybe his dad has died? Maybe something's happened to Regulus?

No- no. Nothing could have happened to Regulus without James knowing. It's just not possible.

Or maybe...

Maybe...

Does Sirius know about them?

About James and Regulus?

How could he?

They're very careful.

He couldn't know- he just can't- he-

James is suddenly aware that they're in their dormitory. He doesn't even remember walking through the common room. Sirius is sitting on James' bed and is scratching his palms roughly with his nails. It's a tic he has whenever he's anxious.

"Sirius? You're really scaring me. What's happened?" James sits down next to him, but Sirius won't meet his eye.

"You know how Regulus is... different," Sirius says barely above a whisper.

James only nods, his blood turning to ice. He couldn't know. He just couldn't.

"Yeah. A lot of people know now. That's dangerous," Sirius continues. "When you found out, what was your first thought?"

James is confused. He doesn't know what he's supposed to say. The truth, probably, but he can't. The truth is that James was panicked and angry and so fucking proud of Regulus. He was a bit of everything, to be honest.

"I was proud of him," James starts. It's somewhat the truth. That's the best he can give Sirius nowadays. "I am proud of him. Why are you asking me this?"

"You weren't disappointed? Or disgusted? Or, I don't know- you didn't look at him differently?"

Yes, he did. But not in the way Sirius is insinuating. Instead he looked at the boy he once thought his best friends little brother and suddenly, without warning, he saw a star. The brightest star. Brighter than the sun; a Morning Star.

"Of course not," James blurts out. "He's still Regulus."

"Yeah," Sirius nods. "Yeah. Still Regulus. Still... still me."

James' brows furrow in confusion. What are they talking about now? He's lost track.

"Still you?" James asks.

"I'm still me, James," Sirius whispers. A tear falls down his cheek and James suddenly understands. "Even though I- I'm just like Reg. We're the same."

James stares back at his friend and he is so bloody happy for him. He is so happy, and so proud. He knows Sirius has been battling against himself about this for months, if not years. Sirius Black, one of the smartest in their year, yet he still couldn't figure out the puzzle of Who is Sirius Black?

Until now.

"Merlin, I love you," James chuckles and reaches forward to wrap his arms around Sirius, who has started to weep. "Bloody hell, mate. You can't even begin to fathom how unbelievably proud of you I am right now."

Sirius lets out a sob into James' shoulder.

"There's more," Sirius says quietly.

I know, James thinks.

Sirius pulls away and wipes his dripping nose on his sleeve.

"I'm an awful person, James. Just fucking horrible."

"What?" This is not what James thought he was going to say; he thought he was going to admit to liking Remus.

"Ok, this is going to sound really stupid or really funny," Sirius begins. "I thought Regulus had a crush on you, especially after Christmas when he made you that tapestry thing with all the constellations on. But- I think I got it wrong. I think I was blinded by my own feelings because I'm just horrid. I think Regulus likes Remus."

James' eyes widen and he almost smiles. Ok, not the right time, but their plan is working. Sirius is realising. He's realising what - who - he wants.

"And that's an issue because...?"

"You can't tell anyone."

James seals his lips with an invisible zip and crosses his heart, pouring all the sincerity he has in his body into his eyes.

"I like Remus." It comes out all fast and distorted, like if Sirius hadn't said it fast, he wouldn't have been able to say it at all. "And I am the shittest brother in all of history. My little brother, who took ages to tell me who he really is, finally has a crush. His first crush. And it's someone as amazing as Remus, and I have to go and like the same person. I'm actually awful!"

Sirius looks close to tears again, so James takes both his hands in an attempt to calm him down.

"Sirius, I don't think that's true. I know you're not a horrible person - you're amazing. The best, Pads. I don't think Regulus likes Remus, but if you do, you should tell him. Be brave, Sirius," James whispers the last sentence.

"No!" Sirius' eyes widen with panic. "No, no. I can't. It's Remus- I mean it's Remus! He's my best friend-" (James tries not to be offended by this - not the time) "-I don't want to ruin that. If I lost him, I don't know what I'd do!"

"I know, mate," James says softly, hoping to console his friend. "Of course you can take your time, but if you like him- and I mean really like him, you should tell him. Isn't it better you find out he likes you back and you get the chance to experience something as magical as falling in love, or you find out he doesn't like you and you begin to move on, rather than never knowing. Never finding out. Suffering everyday with the question of what if? "

Sirius stares back at him, misty eyed and red nosed. He sniffs and swallows before saying, "Have you ever been in love, James?"

It takes James completely by surprise. Once again, Sirius has said something he didn't expect.

"I- uh-" He shakes his head and blinks harshly a few times. "I don't know."

Yes,

I do know.

I have been;

I am.

"What's it supposed to feel like?" Sirius continues, staring off into space.

"Well, if I had to take a guess, I would say..." He thinks about how Regulus makes him feel; his stifled grin whenever James is being an idiot, his rare laugh that only ever comes out if it's well-deserved, his gentle caresses against James' skin when they're as close as they can possibly get in those little moments they save for each other.

"Music," James finally responds, his voice comes out as a soft whisper. "It feels like the first time you hear that one song that you just know has changed the balance of the universe. Turned it on it's axis. Made the wind blow the other way. It's," he sighs, "a change in the universe. A change that only that person was able to make. A change that only you are able to notice. That's what love is."

When James looks back towards Sirius, he notices the boy is watching him with a special sort of fondness he's only seen a couple of times.

"If whoever you've been meeting up with makes you feel that..." Sirius shakes his head silently. "I don't need to know who they are, because I already know they are perfect for you. You're right - that is love, James. You're in love."

Sirius chuckles and James blushes.

He knows he loves Regulus, he's known since Christmas. But having somebody else see it - acknowledge it - makes him realise how painfully true it is.

James Potter is in love with Regulus Black.

Someone he can't have. It's an impossible dream, unreachable.

It's like trying to win over the universe.

***

25th March, 1977

James' leg hasn't stopped bouncing all day - he's equal measures of nervous and excited. His heart thumps loudly in his chest with anticipation.

Regulus had pulled him away earlier in between lessons. He only had five minutes (ten at the most), but they hadn't seen each other in such a while. It seemed Regulus was as desperate for his company as James was for his. He'd pulled him into an empty classroom, they had already unbuckled their belts by the time the door was locked.

Afterwards, before he'd left in a flurry of one last quick peck (which easily turned into a mild snog) and doing up shirt buttons, he'd told James he wanted to speed up the Remus plan. James wanted to argue that they'd barely started it, but knew that Regulus would only be asking if he was beginning to feel uncomfortable, and he never wants Reggie to be uncomfortable.

Regulus is going to publicly flirt with Remus (publicly meaning: in front of Sirius), so that Remus might see Sirius' reaction to the whole ordeal, and will FINALLY make a goddamned move! Or at least realise that Sirius likes him, or that he might like him, or just something.

He's been waiting all day for Regulus to show up, but he hasn't yet. Now, it's dinner time and it's his last chance to get Remus and Sirius in the same place. It has occurred to James that this means Regulus is going to have to hit on Remus in front of the whole school (or primarily, whoever is listening).

Hence the anxiety-induced leg bouncing.

He hasn't eaten much of his dinner. Today is a gammon roast dinner, with fluffy potatoes (James hates mash), honey-baked carrots, and a ridiculously large amount of gravy that is currently drowning his stuffing.

Trying to save it from turning into a slushy mess like snow does when it's been left on the side of the road for a few days, he shovels some into his mouth. At that moment, he sees a flash of green and snaps his head up to see Regulus sitting opposite him - next to Remus.

Remus curls in on himself a bit and glances cautiously at Regulus, offering him a small, guarded smile.

"Alright, mate?" He asks.

"'Mate'," Regulus says as he snorts. "I'm great now." He smiles dreamily at Remus, resting his head in his hand and staring off into space, dangerously close to where Remus is placed.

"Uh, cool," Remus responds.

Sirius goes stiff beside James and stops eating. He places his fork down gently and looks down at the table as if there's something interesting strewn across it. His ears perk up in the same way they do when he's Padfoot, which tells James he's listening.

"I've never noticed how blonde your hair is before," Regulus suddenly says. He reaches out and grabs a few strands of Remus' hair in between his thumb and index finger. "I thought it was more brown than this. It certainly looked more brown the other night-"

"The other night?" Sirius suddenly says, his eyes move to Remus'. His face is contorted with something like confusion and betrayal.

"Yeah," Regulus says at the same time Remus blurts "What?!"

"You were with him the other night?" Sirius beseeches, rising to his feet. "Moony! How could you? You're- That's my little brother! I-" He cuts himself off, scrambling to get away. James watches from behind as Sirius flees.

Remus looks just as confused as Sirius had... for a moment, then he's leaping out of his own seat and following after the blur that is Sirius Black.

Peter, who hasn't spoken at all since Regulus joined the table, stares at the space where Remus was just sitting. Then turns to look at the empty space Sirius was sitting, and finally looks up at James and Regulus, a look of complete and utter bewilderment on his face.

"What just happened?" He sighs, shaking his head. "I'm never not confused these days. Are you and Remus really sneaking around behind Sirius' back?" He turns to Regulus again.

Regulus only shrugs and looks at James.

James is on the conflicted right now. He's over the moon that Remus and Sirius have gone to (hopefully) talk about - everything. However, he feels guilty and a bit miserable.

How could you? That's my little brother!

That's what Sirius had said...

After their whole conversation on love, James had allowed a tiny blossom of hope to form inside of him. Hope that maybe Sirius would one day be accepting of James and Regulus - whether they eventually get together one day, or whether he just finds out they've been (as Peter put it) 'sneaking around behind his back'.

But now... he's not so convinced.

The guilt gnaws at his chest, along with the misery and disappointment.

Then, he supposes, does Sirius' opinion really matter if Regulus doesn't feel the same way about him? Or does Regulus never have to find out in the same way that Sirius shouldn't?

***

27th March, 1977

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PRONGSIEEEEE!"

James wakes up with a jolt as Peter, Sirius and Remus jump on him, yelling at the top of their lungs.

"You're an old man, just like me and Moony!" Sirius grins and nudges Remus with his elbow.

Ever since that day in the Great Hall when Remus followed Sirius, they've been much better. Sirius has been more jovial and chipper, and Remus hasn't frowned in two whole days. Not even when Snape tried to curse him in the corridor. He only grinned and winked at the slimy boy when he managed to dodge it.

"Finally! I'm a responsible adult!" He cheers, and both Remus and Peter burst into laughter at his expense.

"This feels like a personal attack." James squints his eyes, watching as his friends laugh at him.

"To be fair," Sirius says, "I don't think the words responsible and Marauder go very well together."

"S'pose not," James shrugs, getting out of bed. "What are we doing today, boys?"

"Oh, we have the whole day planned," Sirius grins. He reaches out to slap Peter and Remus on the back of their heads. "Stop laughing! It's his birthday! You can't laugh at him on his birthday."

Remus clears his throat and straightens up, plastering an unconvincing blankness on his face. Peter tries to do the same and fails, immediately breaking out into a massive grin.

"Right," Sirius claps his hands together. "Presents?"

"Presents," James agrees eagerly.

There's a large pile of wrapped and bagged presents on the trunk at the foot of his bed. He goes to grab one, but Sirius stops him, insisting that he sit back down and allow the rest of them to pass them to him. After all, he is the birthday boy.

In the end, he receives a great bounty of chocolate from Remus (no surprises there), a new broom polishing kit from Marlene, and the book that goes along with it from Mary. Lily got him a hairbrush, which is an inside joke of theirs because she used to tease him about how messy his hair is and 'Do you even own a hairbrush?' She gets him a new one every year - he never uses them, but keeps every single one.

His parents sent him a newly knitted jumper (courtesy of his brilliant mum), as well as some cinnamon cookies (freshly baked), and a new sneakoscope.

"Ok, I saved mine until last!" Sirius squeals, fidgeting where he's sitting next to James. He pulls out a small wrapped ball and hands it to James.

He opens it and finds-

"Socks?" James asks, smirking and raising an eyebrow. They're red, with small broomsticks emblazoned on them. They look homemade.

"I made them myself!" Sirius grins, so unbelievably proud of himself.

"I see that," James chuckles, admiring them. "I love them. They're great! Thanks, Pads."

"But they're special socks, you see?" Sirius says. "I want them to be the ones you always carry with you, no matter what, for 'just in case' purposes."

"Oh," James says, finally understanding. "'Course, mate. I'll carry them with me always."

It turns out the socks weren't Sirius' only present to James - he also booked out the Quidditch pitch for the whole morning! So, they played a small game with Peter as a chaser (who also had the power to be a keeper), Marlene as a seeker, Mary as a seeker, James as a chaser (who again, also had the power to be a keeper), and Sirius and Lily as beaters. Remus, predictably, sat in the stands. Although, instead of reading a book and trying to avoid any interaction with the sport, he watches them play until the sun is at it's apex in the sky.

James, Sirius, and Marlene play against Peter, Lily, and Mary.

James' team wins.

Later on, instead of having a full blown party like they have every other year, James decides not to have one. If Remus didn't feel the need for one, then neither does he. Out of respect for his friend (who he knows is not in the mood to celebrate too vastly), he chooses to have a small gathering in their dorm instead.

Of course, Mary, Marls, and Lily are invited too.

"Thank you so much for the presents, ladies!" James exclaims as he hugs each of them. "They're great."

"No problem, Captain Potter," Marlene grins. "Happy Birthday!"

"Happy Birthday!" Everyone choruses at once, and it ends up turning into a whole round of 'Happy Birthday to you'.

"We brought booze!" Mary announces, holding up a large bottle of some kind of amber liquid; if James had to guess what it is, he'd say it's whiskey.

It's gin.

"None for me, thank you," James says, holding out both hands when Lily offers him a cupful. She hands it to Remus instead, who gracefully accepts it and chugs it down in the space of ten seconds.

"But it's your birthday! It's you we're celebrating!" Peter says. He's red in the face - still not as used to alcohol as the rest of them are yet.

"What Pete said," Sirius agrees. He slings an arm over James' shoulders and grins at him. "Come on, Prongsie. It's just one drink."

"Nope. I don't want a hangover tomorrow," he denies again.

"Don't go spouting that nonsense, James," Remus says from his spot beside Lily on the floor. "You never get hangovers."

"He has a point," Marlene adds.

"And I would like to keep it that way," James finishes.

He has plans to meet up with Regulus in the Come and Go Room later, and he would rather not be drunk off his arse for that. He's not one-hundred percent sure if Regulus actually knows it's his birthday, but he'd asked to meet up with James anyway, so of course James had to accept.

"Fine, spoil sport." Sirius sticks out his tongue at him and joins Remus and Lily on the floor. Remus moves his leg, clearly attempting to be subtle (and miserably failing to do so), so that it's touching Sirius'. In response to this, Sirius smiles shyly and looks down into the depths of his (now empty) cup.

"Who wants to play a drinking game?" Mary asks chirpily. She goes over to James and pushes down on his shoulders, forcing him to sit down on the floor. She then sits beside him, with Lily on her other side, whilst Marlene and Peter sit on James' left.

"Truth or shot?" Lily suggests.

"Ok, but I'm still going to stick to water," James says, holding up his water-filled cup.

"Snore," Marlene calls, already tipsy. "I want to ask someone first!"

"Take it away, Marls!" Mary says eagerly.

"Ok, um, Remus." She turns to Remus, who blinks at her like he doesn't know what is going on. "Is your big secret true?"

Remus chokes and looks frantically at Sirius, James, and Peter, who all stare back and try to look at him reassuringly. He can trust the girls. They already know it's true anyway - they found it out for themselves.

"Depends which secret you mean," he answers steadily.

"Are you a werewolf?" Marlene asks bluntly.

"I-" Remus stops.

"We love you anyway, Rem," Lily says softly. "We'll always love you."

"Yeah," Mary and Marlene both say.

Remus closes his eyes tightly and whispers, "Yeah, it's true. I'm... that."

"Moony," Marlene giggles. "I get it now."

"Now Remus gets to ask someone a question, right?" Sirius' voice comes suddenly, he's clearly trying to change the subject.

"Ok... uh... Mary?"

"Yes, dear?" She responds.

Remus scrunches his face up like he does when he's focusing really hard in class. "How many boyfriends have you had?"

And the night just sort of carries on like this for a while.

Everyone - except for James, of course - grows tipsy and then drunk quite quickly, avoiding untouchable questions that are thrown at them.

"James," Sirius says.

"Oh no."

"Oh yes."

James braces himself for whatever Sirius will ask him, surely it will be something about his crush (Regulus!), or something along those lines.

"How long have you been sneaking around with your secret lover?" Sirius slurs.

Mary, Lily, and Peter all stare at him incredulously, all of them having no idea that he has a "secret lover". Remus and Marlene seem to both be supressing laughter. Odd.

He could just not answer... but what's the harm? It's not like Sirius asked who it is.

"Since the end of October," he answers truthfully.

Sirius' mouth drops along with Mary's.

"What?!" They say in unison, and Sirius carries on. "And you didn't tell me!"

"Sorry," James shrugs, sipping his water and trying to seem cool and mysterious. "Didn't cross my mind."

"Rudeness!" Sirius shrieks. "This is an outrage!"

"Who is it?" Lily asks at the same time Mary says, "Are you finally deflowered, Potter?"

James stares at them all helplessly, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. He glances over at Remus, who is usually brilliant at defusing tension.

"Alright pals and gals, I think it's time to break up this little party," Remus shouts over the endless questions being thrown at James right now. "We've got school tomorrow."

"Fine," Mary mumbles. "See you tomorrow, mum," she says as she hugs Remus goodnight. She then moves on to Sirius, then Peter, and finally James.

"Happy Birthday, love," she says in his ear. "We'll see you tomorrow."

"Definitely," James whispers, squeezing her back.

"Have a good one, James," Lily hugs him.

"Night, Cap'n," Marlene says.

"Night, McKinnon." He salutes them, once the door is closed he goes over to his bed and flops face first onto it.

"You ok there, Prongs?" Remus asks.

"Yeah," James turns over, so that he's lying on his back. "That was lovely, guys. Thank you."

"Anything for you," Sirius replies with a wink. He slinks away into his bed and calls a goodnight to the room before snores begin to emanate from behind his bed hangings.

"Night, birthday boy," Peter says as quietly as possible, before crawling into his own bed.

"Happy Birthday, James," Remus is the last one to get into bed, giving James a wonky smile before disappearing.

"Good night," he whispers to whoever is listening.

It's just gone midnight, so he should really be leaving; he told Regulus he would be there at half past twelve, so he has a little bit of time to ensure the others are asleep before he leaves.

At twelve-twenty, he decides it's safe to leave. He'll have to rush there, but that's fine as long as he takes the map and his cloak with him. He tucks both items under his arm before leaving the dorm. Once he reaches the bottom of the stairs, he puts on the cloak and checks the map for Filch.

He's on the ground floor, which is fortunate because James needs to go up.

James has always found a peacefulness about the castle in the dead of night, even when he and the other Marauders were planting stink bombs or setting up other disruptive pranks across it. It's just so quiet. Not in the same way a room full of sleeping people are, but in the way a dessert is.

Vast and empty and endless.

It's beautiful and sometimes, if it's just him wandering the castle alone, he pretends it's all his. He imagines what it would be like to skip down the empty corridors, to maybe sing a jaunty tune as he trails down them. Maybe even to dance down them, with or without someone. Or slide down the halls in his socks. But only when the castle is like this; still and undisturbed. Only seen by the generous flames that perpetually burn on the stone walls.

He eventually comes up to the plain grey brick, with Barnabas the Barmy watching from behind him. He takes off the cloak and paces until the doors appear.

Regulus is waiting.

He's lying on the carpet in the middle of the room, with his arms crossed under his head and his legs crossed at the ankles. His eyes explore the wandering sky above him rapidly; James is sure he hasn't been noticed yet, which is why he allows himself a second more to watch the lovely boy before him.

"You're staring," Regulus says. His voice is steady and perfect, there's no sign of a tremble or a break. He's always just so so perfect.

"I might be," James admits. He folds the cloak and places it on the table in the kitchen area, before making his way over to Regulus.

"How was your day?"

"Great. Sorry, I'm late. Sirius insisted we have a dorm party since I didn't really feel like having a massive celebration."

Regulus' eyes finally move away from the sky to meet James'. "You mean for winning against Hufflepuff? I thought you already had a party for that. How many do you need before your head explodes?"

"Well, uh, it wasn't for that." James scratches the back of his head, suddenly feeling very sheepish. "It's sort of my birthday."

James has never seen Regulus move so quickly. One second he's laying flat on his back, and the next he's on his feet, right in front of James.

"Why didn't you say anything?" His eyes overflow with an emotion James doesn't understand.

"I thought we weren't friends," James teases.

"Well, we aren't not friends. I would have got you something, or I don't know-"

"Reggie, it's fine. Don't get me anything." James lifts his hand and cups Regulus' small, pale cheek. "This is enough."

Regulus, as if feeling like he needs to compensate for something, tilts his head up and kisses James sweetly on the lips. It's not passionate or desperate like the last kiss they shared. It's savoured and means something.

"Reggie," James whispers into his mouth. He sighs contentedly.

"James..." Regulus backs up slightly, but James keeps his hand on the boy's face. "You know how we've been doing this whole deal thing for a while now? About five months, I think."

James nods, unsure of where this conversation is going.

"I've been thinking." Regulus is staring adamantly at the space over James' shoulder - he's anxious, James thinks. He's gotten better at reading Regulus over the last few months. "If you're ready- I mean I'm ready- but only if you are- we did say we were doing this for experience or whatever, and- what I'm trying to say is-"

"Say it," James whispers slowly, offering him a small smile.

"Do you want to have sex? Soon? I know I'm ready, but of course if you aren't then I completely understand. I just am- ready, I mean." He stops abruptly, flushing the cutest shade of crimson.

James is ready. If he's being truthful, he's been ready since Christmas. He's just been waiting for Regulus to get to the same place. The last thing he ever wants to do is pressure him into anything he's not ready for.

"I'm ready," James nods. Regulus' gaze snaps up, shocked. "I've been ready for a while. I've just been waiting for you."

Those words have more meaning to them than Regulus will ever know.

"Oh," he breathes. "Are you sure? Don't say it because I'm saying it."

"I mean it, Reggie. Do you? Like, really mean it?"

Regulus' stare shifts from James' left eye to his right a few times. He doesn't answer, instead leaning in again and kissing James (this time much firmer). He starts walking them backwards, in the direction of the couch, and James follows him.

He's thought about how this moment will go so many times in his head. Not with Regulus exactly, but just in general. Like when he was fourteen and hit puberty. He'd always thought he would giggle by accident- or something as ridiculous as that. He is James Potter after all.

But he's never found something less funny in his entire life.

He hears the moment Regulus hits into the back of the couch, at the same moment letting out a moan. They make their way around it and James falls down first.

Yes, yes.

This.

All of this.

I want this - you - forever.

Regulus is leaning on his shins, which are either side of James' hips. James moves his hands to Regulus' waist and urges him to close the gap between their bodies. Regulus obliges, sitting in James' lap.

James kisses him for eternity, he kisses him until he can't breathe, until the first brush of Regulus' tongue on his-

"Are you sure you want to do this? Now?" James says croakily into Regulus' mouth. "We don't have to, we can do something else."

"I want to- Merlin, I want to," Regulus responds. He pants and leans in to peck James once more, like if he didn't he would have lost all means of oxygen. "Unless you've changed your mind. I'll wait. For you. Whenever you're ready."

And really, Regulus couldn't have had a more beautiful answer.

James smiles and just looks at him. He's so close, their noses are touching, and he can taste his breath. He has this amazing, angelic boy in his hands; giving himself to James, and he's greedy enough to take it. Of course, he is. There is no scenario in which he would not say yes if Regulus asked him for something.

James will always give.

He reaches down, never breaking eye contact, and begins to take off Regulus' tie. Regulus does the same with his.

They shed their clothes quickly and-

Wow.

James has seen a lot of Regulus before. He's probably seen all of Regulus before, but not at once. Not fully bare like he is now. Not in his purest form.

"You're so lovely," James whispers.

Regulus gulps and James notices how his pupils seem do grow double in size. He loves being able to have an effect on Regulus, because Regulus has such a ginormous effect on James.

James makes a swift movement, changing their positions so that he now hovers over Regulus, who lies down on the couch where he had just been. Regulus blushes profusely, clearly not having expected that.

"Is this alright?"

"Yes," Regulus says, sounding more certain and clear than James has ever heard him. Which, to be honest, is reassuring.

"Good." He kisses Regulus gently on the lips and then pulls away and looks- down. "Can I?" He bores his eyes into those black eyes that he still can't quite survive. They still catch him every time, drowning him. And he loves it.

"Yes," Regulus repeats.

James shifts a little, placing himself in the perfect position and then-

He moves and just like Regulus' eyes,

everything

goes

black.

***

28th March, 1977

James remembers his first Spring. He was four, maybe five, and that's as far as his memory goes. The weather had just begun to grow nicer, and his parents had taken him out for a walk through the forest behind their land (his dad had given him a piggyback most of the way). There weren't many flowers out yet, only a few sprouting blossoms on the trees.

They'd ended up in this field, a vast green sea of grass and weeds, with a few dandelions here and there.

He had run off, hoping to chase the sun; it was his dream to catch it one day.

A flash of white forced him to stop. It couldn't have been snow? The snow had disappeared weeks ago by now. Long gone.

He turned and saw a single daisy of the purest white lying on the grass. It had been ripped out of the ground and tossed carelessly aside, yet it was still beautiful. Still even and uncrumpled. He'd taken it back to his parents, cupping it delicately in his hands.

His mum had said it was good luck to find the first daisy of the season, she'd always said he was such a lucky boy (and still does). He was upset, knowing that like all living things, the flower would one day die. So, his dad drew out his wand and preserved it with a spell; as long as James is happy and healthy, so will the daisy be.

It's been kept in a frame, hanging on the wall of his bedroom ever since.

Regulus reminds him of his flower sometimes. He's so beautiful and pure, picked up by others and thrown away; so easily crumpled, yet he still stays preserved.

More than ever does he remind James of his daisy now, lying in his arms; softly tracing circles on James' bare chest. Every minute or two, he'll turn his head and press a gentle kiss on James' shoulder, before continuing his movements.

It had been amazing.

James has no other words for it.

It wasn't as awkward as he feared it might be, it had felt right. It still feels right. He can still feel Regulus all around him. Like an everlasting shiver.

He's playing with Regulus' curls right now, just stroking them and watching them bounce and fall whenever he lets them go. It's mesmerising.

Neither of them have said anything yet, and James expects he'll end up being the first to talk, which is why he is so surprised when he hears Regulus speak.

"I'm sorry I've been so busy recently."

"Don't worry about it, love. I know you've been busy studying. Believe me, I know how it feels."

"Still," Regulus whispers. "I- I'm sorry."

James doesn't answer. He knows Regulus sometimes feels the need to apologise, even after being reassured that it's fine. He doesn't know why, but guessed it probably has something to do with his parents.

"Can you meet up in the morning? By the tree."

"I wouldn't miss it for the world," James responds. He moves to look down at Regulus and finds that the boy is already watching him. He doesn't avert his eyes or blush like he usually would; instead, he holds James' gaze and smiles sleepily.

"Are you tired?" James asks, chuckling quietly.

"A bit."

"Sorry if I've worn you out."

Regulus' smile grows, and- there's the blush. James almost missed it.

Nope.

He definitely missed it.

"I didn't mind it much."

James laughs again and moves down to kiss Regulus' forehead.

"We should get going. It's got to be around two in the morning, and I need to get up at five for the sun," Regulus mumbles, already half asleep.

"Ok."

They get up and get dressed. James keeps his eyes on Regulus the whole time, still taking him in. He has sharp hip bones, and strangely enough James finds himself wanting to bite them. He doesn't know why, just that it's something he feels is necessary for the future.

Before leaving, he grabs the cloak and the map and tucks them under his arm.

Regulus is waiting beside the door for him, already knowing that James will want to walk him back to the dungeons.

Before Regulus reaches out for the handle, James pulls him closer once more and kisses him. He will never get enough of Regulus Black. Of kissing him, touching him, seeing him, knowing him. Just all of him. All of him and everything.

"Thank you," James says when they part.

"Happy Birthday, James," Regulus answers, gulping again.

Once Regulus disappears into the Slytherin common room, James makes his way back to his bed. It's been a long day.

A great day, but a long one.

As soon as he touches his mattress, he's out like a light.

He wakes up, feeling a bit groggy and not fully satisfied with the small amount of sleep he got, but he knows Regulus is waiting. That's enough to get any man out of bed.

Pushing away his bed hangings, he groans when the light of the sun hits his eyes.

The sun.

Sunrise.

He's supposed to meet Regulus at sunrise.

He has already fucked up.

James quickly puts his glasses on and grabs the map, his wand, and the socks Sirius made him for his birthday. Then he makes a break for it and hopes he's not too late. The light from the sun is still an orangey-gold sort of colour, meaning it must have only just started to rise.

He's still late though.

It's impossible to race the sun, so instead of running down the stairs as quickly as possible, he practically jumps down seven of them at a time. He doesn't stop by the Great Hall to collect toast for the squid, he knows he has no time.

At the entrance of the castle, he runs into Mulciber and those other two idiots who always follow him and his shadow around like lost puppies. He plans to ignore them (he has somewhere to be, like right now!), but instead of their usual stream of insults, they stop and laugh at him.

They properly laugh at him, evil sneers on each of their faces. He wonders what that's about, but doesn't have the time to think about it right now.

He continues to run run run down in the direction of the lake.

By the time he reaches the tree, the sun is gleaming at the peaks of the mountains in the distance. He missed it.

And by the looks of it, Regulus has already left. There's no boy standing beside the lake or sitting by the-

tree.

James cocks his head as soon as he notices the small leather-bound book with the gold letters on, spelling out 'Little Women'. Next to it lies Regulus' wand.

Why would he leave them on the ground where anyone could take them?

James goes over to inspect them; they're definitely Regulus'. He puts them back down on the ground and stands once again. He looks all around - near the forest, near the castle, the grounds, the lake, the-

The lake.

Everything he'd been holding drops from his hands: the socks, his wand, the map.

The map.

He picks it up again, along with his wand and frantically says, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

The map begins to twirl and grow on the seemingly blank parchment. He opens it with such speed that he almost tears it. He searches and searches for Regulus' name- hoping, preying it isn't...

Regulus Arcturus Black.

James drops the items on the floor and screams for Regulus at the top of his lungs. He repeatedly yells his name, but when his voice cracks he realises it's no use.

It might have been seconds since he arrived, or it might have been minutes. James is unsure. What he does know is that the map says Regulus Arcturus Black is in the Black Lake, and the map never lies.

James runs at the lake, tossing his glasses behind him, before diving in head first. He goes into the depths, just like how Orpheus went to Hell for Eurydice; James will go to fucking Hell to save him.

Regulus is in the lake.

He's in the fucking lake.

Merlin knows how long he's been there.

He's drowning.

Regulus is drowning.

He can't drown.

He can't drown.

He can't-

He-

James submerges himself deeper and deeper into the lake; it's ice cold and lives up to it's name (the "Black Lake"). It's so dark.

He can't see anything.

He can't see Regulus.

Reggie.

He can't see-

He can't-

His brain goes fuzzy from lack of oxygen, and his mouth instinctively opens for air. Except, he doesn't find any. Only the murky lake water that consumes him, chokes him. He feels his lungs contract.

Regulus, he thinks.

Please let the map have been lying.

Please.

Please.

I need him to be ok...

even if I'm not.

He passes out before he ever reaches Regulus.