Morning Star

James Potter had always wanted siblings. That was a fact. So, when his best friend - Sirius Black - ran away from home, he welcomed him with open arms.

Sirius was like a brother to James: they squabbled, played Quidditch together in the gardens, stayed up with Euphemia and Fleamont in the living room until the sky grew black. They did everything together.

When Regulus Black appeared in the fireplace that warm, summer's afternoon, James saw this as an opportunity. Perhaps, he had a chance at having another brother. He made it his mission to get to know Regulus; though he'd met him years ago, he didn't really know anything about the boy.

So, James being James attempted to untangle the insufferable knot that was Regulus Black.

It started one day in the summer when Remus and Sirius were down in the village, James hadn't felt like joining them. Instead, he went for a walk in the gardens just beyond his home. He did this a lot, whenever he needed to think. Clear his head.

As he walked along the gravel path, between the swarm of flowers and bushes, he closed his eyes and faced the sky. Breathing in deeply... and then back out. Every flower he passed, he would examine closely, trying to see if he could remember the name of them. He wasn't very good at herbology, meaning he probably guessed wrong.

Just as James was about to turn around and go back to the house, he spotted a tuft of black curls peeking over the top of a rose bush.

Regulus.

He made his way around the bush, and as soon as he did he saw Regulus sitting on an old, splintering bench, immersed in a book.

For a moment, James watched as Regulus' eyes soared rapidly across the page, his teeth biting his bottom lip, his nose slightly scrunched. His posture was perfect, James noticed. It was a bit scary how perfect it was. It looked unnatural.

"Fancy seeing you here." James grinned as Regulus' head shot up from his book, facing James.

"I would say the same, but seeing as it is your garden it wouldn't make much sense."

James chuckled and plopped himself down beside Regulus on the bench. He leaned over, trying to see what Regulus was reading, but Reg pulls it away before he gets the chance.

"Can I help you with anything, or are you just going to sit there watching me read all day?"

"Actually, I wanted to show you something." James stands and holds out a hand. "Come on."

Regulus gives him an expressionless look. Then something shifts and his face relaxes. He closes his book and stands, ignoring James' open palm. James doesn't pay any attention to this. Instead, he carries on and leads the way.

He takes them to the woods and asks Regulus which tree he thinks is the tallest, to which Reg answers: "Of course, it will only be guess work. We have no way of knowing precisely which tree is the biggest."

"Even so, pick one."

Once Regulus chooses a tree, James places his left foot on the trunk and his right on a low branch and begins to climb.

"Uhh... What are you doing?" James hears Reggie call from below. "I can't- I've never climbed a tree before!"

James sits on a branch a few metres up from the ground. His legs dangle down like two limp fish, whilst his hands hold onto the branches surrounding him.

"I'll teach you. Come on, it's easy."

Regulus rolls his eyes before placing his book neatly on the ground and staring back up at James. "Well?"

"Right, so put one of your feet on the trunk... yep, that's- then the other on that branch. You see it? The one that's- ok. Then grab onto the closest branch you can and pull up. Do the same with your other arm. Don't forget to keep moving your feet too."

After an hour, they've both reached the top. James got there first, of course, but that probably comes down to the fact that he knows how to climb trees and his competitive nature.

"Do you see that stone structure over there?" James asked, pointing North. "Well, a few decades ago, the Muggles had a war. It was awful. I wasn't there obviously, so I don't know all the details, but I'm pretty sure that's where they used to hide."

"Why did the war start?" Regulus questioned.

"There was a man who thought the world wasn't orderly enough, so he gathered his army together and started killing innocent people. Children too. He was ruthless. Horrible." James creased his eyebrows, deep in thought. "I'll never understand why he thought a world full of pointless murder was more systematic. It's just... evil."

"I don't-" Regulus was cut off. He slipped suddenly, James caught him just before he fell.

"Fucking hell, Potter," Reggie whispered, clinging to the body of the tree. "Why did I let you talk me into this?"

"Because you love me."

Regulus glared up at him.

"I'm joking. I'm not expecting you to love me that quickly, although it has been known to happen."

Regulus just scoffed, saying, "Everyone loves you, James Potter."

"I don't know why."

"Neither do I." Regulus smiles.

James rarely sees Regulus smile, so when he does, he feels like he has accomplished something important.

Regulus is different to Sirius, and not just in the obvious way that they're nothing like each other. James has always seen Sirius as his "best mate", like a brother to him. He was hoping to one day feel that with Reggie too. For some reason, James cannot see Regulus in that way. It feels wrong.

It's sort of like what he feels with the people on his Quidditch team: they are his friends, but he would never count them as a sibling. Peter, Remus, and Sirius are his brothers. Lily, Marlene, and Mary are his sisters. But Regulus, he doesn't give James that same feeling.

However, he also has this strong urge to protect Reggie, to make sure he's safe. It's different to what he has with his Quidditch team. So, what is it?

Instead of figuring it out now, James decided to make Regulus his own box and put him in there.

***

They spent the entire summer climbing trees; James would tell Regulus more war stories, or even sometimes, stories about himself. Regulus taught him which star was which, not that he would remember them all - he wasn't very good at Astronomy either.

By the end of the summer, James was happy with the progress he had made with Reggie. He would even call them friends now. Maybe that was a bit of a stretch. They only ever spoke properly to each other when they were perched in the branches of a tree.

Still, when they got to Platform 9 3/4, James hugged Reggie goodbye. He was afraid Regulus wouldn't hug him back - which would make the whole thing just awkward. But after a couple of seconds, he felt as Regulus' arms enveloped him. He smiled into the boys curls (which smelled of lemongrass), before pulling away and leaving a small kiss on top of his head.

He said goodbye to his parents, and followed Sirius onto the train.

They sat in a compartment with Peter, Remus, Mary, Marlene, and Lily. When they entered, Peter was already telling the girls about his summer away in Italy. Apparently, he had a summer romance with a girl called Giulia - the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen.

Remus and James laughed at this statement, whilst Sirius and the girls all "aww"d him.

When they were an hour away from Hogsmeade, Sirius stood up, muttering something about Regulus.

"Is he ok?" James asked.

"Yeah, he's fine," Sirius assured him, settling his nerves. "Just have to talk to him about something. You know, brotherly."

James nodded. He was confused - Sirius was acting very strange. He was also curious - why did he so badly need to find Regulus?

They sat through possibly the longest speech Dumbledore has ever given, before finally being given the chance to eat. Remus wolfed down his plate of food, immediately filling it with more. Sirius was watching in amazement. It really was impressive how fast Moony could eat. James always suspected it was the werewolf in him.

Peter was talking Quidditch strategies with Marlene, whilst Mary and Lily gossiped a few seats down.

"Oi, Evans!" James called down to Lily. She rolled her eyes at him, a smile on her face. They were friends now.

"Yes, Potter?"

"What are you two talking about?"

"That's none of your concern," she answered, turning back to Mary.

James sat, pouting.

A part of him missed Regulus, even though he was only across the hall. He missed their deep talks in the trees, and the stories. He missed Regulus letting him in. Slouching, he turned around to face the Slytherin table.

Reggie was sitting with his group of friends: Barty, Evan, Dorcas, Emma, and Pandora. They were all deep in conversation, heads hunched together. Regulus had his back to the Gryffindor table, which annoyed James. He wanted to see his facial expressions, to understand what he was thinking right now.

Pandora, who was sitting opposite Reggie, nudged him and nodded over his shoulder. Regulus turned around and looked directly at James, who raised his hand to wave. He wiggled each of his fingers, giving Reggie a little smile.

Regulus waved back, he smiled too, it was only small. Then he swivelled back around to face Pandora, so James did the same, sighing.

Merlin, what was wrong with him? Why did he miss Reggie so much? He could live without him a few weeks ago, and now- what? He couldn't even survive a night without their daily chats?

He was just being ridiculous.

James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter all went up to the Gryffindor dormitories as soon as they were dismissed. James was very tired after the train ride and had a plan to get up at five the next morning for Quidditch Practice.

He bid the other boys good night, before collapsing on his bed and falling asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

***

James woke up to the sound of whispered mumbling. He blinked the sleep out of his eyes, allowing his ears to adjust to the real world once again.

It took him only a moment later to realise it was Remus and Sirius who were talking. James could tell they were both in Remus' bed by where their voices were coming from. He listened, knowing he probably shouldn't. They were whispering for a reason, but that might have been because they didn't want to wake James. Besides, the Marauders hide nothing from each other.

So, he made sure to breath quieter, before tuning into their conversation.

"He said I could tell you, and I guess it's just easier to keep a secret with someone so that we can talk about it, rather than holding it in alone." Sirius' voice whispered.

James could hear Peter snoring, and the occasional mumbling in his sleep.

"I understand. When I first met you all, it was so hard to keep my secret from you. I was so afraid you'd notice when I disappeared once a month and you'd connect the dots and hate me for it," Remus spoke next.

Was someone else a werewolf?

Sirius had said "he". Maybe Reggie.

No, he couldn't be. Could he?

"Of course, we wouldn't hate you for it. You can't help it, it's a part of you. Just like how being gay is a part of my brother. A part he can't control. I don't hate him for it, I love him because of it."

James felt his heart stop.

His vision went black. 

Was he fainting? Was he dying? What was happening?

He couldn't see or breathe. He was definitely dead.

Regulus... was gay.

Gay.

As in, he liked men.

James hadn't even thought of "being gay" as a real thing. He'd never paid two boys being romantically together the slightest thought.

And Regulus.

He was gay.

James found his vision again, but still could not breathe.

He thought about everything.

He'd never taken a fancy to any of the girls in Hogwarts. He'd never thought about it before.

Now he was thinking about it. It was all he could think about.

James was having an epiphany. His life flashing before his eyes. He remembered how his throat had always gone dry whenever he saw Frank getting changed after Quidditch matches - his skin was always damp with sweat, glistening.

Stop.

James thought of how he'd watched Mary kiss her last boyfriend and had his eyes on the guy the entire time.

Stop.

He thought of all the times he watched Toby Maxwell jog up and down the Quidditch Pitch in the mornings. How he would stop in front of James, panting, and would clap him on the back.

STOP!

You're not gay. You're not gay. You're not gay.

He yawned, pretending to only now wake up. The whispering immediately stopped.

James got up from his bed and ran to the bathroom, ignoring how Remus and Sirius greeted him good morning.

He slammed the door behind him and locked it.

He ran over to the sink, feeling sick, he leant over it. Nothing happened. He stared up at himself in the mirror, not recognising the boy who stared back.

What if you are gay?

What if your friends hate you because of it?

What if you hate yourself because of it?

James clenched his hair between his fingers, squeezing his eyes shut.

"No..." he whispered.

"Prongs?" Sirius knocked on the other side of the door. "You ok in there?"

James stood up and ran his hands down his face. He opened the bathroom door and plastered a smile on his face. After all, he was James Potter, the happiest boy in the whole wide fucking world.

"I'm fine."

He made his way over to his trunk, snatching a Gryffindor jumper from it and throwing it on. Then, before he left, he grabbed his glasses and put them on too.

"Going for a run," he mumbled to Sirius and Remus (who appeared very shocked by James' unusual mood).

He wasn't going for a run. He needed to clear his head. He needed to walk.

So, in the darkness of the morning, he went for a walk along the outskirts of the Black Lake. The sun hadn't risen yet, though he was sure it would soon. He reached the oak tree on the very edge of the grounds, before the Forbidden Forest, standing beside the lake.

He sat down beside it, picking at the grass and twirling it between his fingers. He hadn't come to a conclusion with the whole "Am I gay?" thing, but he had come to a conclusion.

This was Regulus' fault.

Of course, it wasn't, and James knew it wasn't, except it was.

If Regulus hadn't decided to go telling people his little secrets, then maybe James would have been able to live his life not knowing.

He knew it was a horrible thought. It was... obnoxious and nasty. But he couldn't help it. It felt like Regulus' fault. He needed someone to blame right now, so he chose him.

Just when James didn't think things could get worse, a figure appeared to be making it's way towards him, looming in the remaining darkness.

For a moment, he considers telling them to go away, but realises they do not deserve that kind of rudeness for simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Then, he thinks about getting up and leaving - that is until he realises he recognises the figure.

It's just an outline, but James would know that outline anywhere. The way it's slender and thin - lanky. The way their curly hair sits perfectly messy on their head. The way they are holding themself - pristine and proper.

Only one person James knows stands like that... Regulus Black.

The exact person he just found out is gay.

The exact person he's trying to avoid.

The exact person he's angry at.

Although, right now, in the dim morning light, James can't possibly fathom why. All he knows is that he's never felt such a strong urge to hit something, so he holds onto the anger, which is very unlike him. He holds onto it easily, knowing it won't take much for him to snap.

Regulus stops before he reaches the tree, staring out at the grand lake. Though James cannot make out much in the dark, he can tell Regulus has his eyes closed. Just by the way his head is tilted upwards, nose first, as he inhales calmly. Greeting the fresh air.

James watches him, entranced by him. Regulus has always been attractive, he knows that. He just always thought that he was attractive in the same way that Sirius was. Just in the general fact that he was good-looking. But now, James is really staring. He's noticing things he's noticed before, but never quite picked up on. Like how his heart beats faster when he's in a closer range to Regulus. And how he wants to reach up and feel his curls through his fingers, just so he can identify how soft they are. How he doesn't only find Regulus attractive, but fucking beautiful.

Yes, James thinks. He's fucking beautiful.

He lets out a low groan, not enjoying these new realisations at all. He's learning too much too fast. He hates it. The noise seems to notify Regulus that he isn't alone. He turns around and their eyes meet for a moment - Regulus' full of something close to embarrassment - before James pulls his away.

It hurts him a little. The anger he feels towards Regulus, just because he was brave enough to present who he is to the world. Well, James knows he's not angry at him because of that. He's actually quite proud. His anger is rooted much deeper. It comes from somewhere, a part of him, he didn't know existed. A place that has yearned to watch the perpetual beauty of Regulus Black for so long. A place that has gone unnoticed for too long.

Now that James has found it, he wishes he could forget. Yes, it's great that Regulus is out, that he's happy. James just wishes he didn't have to feel... this way about it. Now that he's noticed it, he can't not notice it. And it's so strong. So so strong. Almost unbearable. His mind is screaming for Regulus. It wants him so much and James doesn't know how to make it stop. It can never happen. That's Regulus. Sirius' little brother. Regulus Black - the shy little boy who blushed the first time James ever looked at him. The boy who waved back, only to be hit. The boy who, even though he was clearly nervous, allowed James Potter to comfort him on his first train ride to Hogwarts.

The strong desire James has is nothing compared to his want, his need, to have Regulus remain in his life. If they ever took their relationship to a new level and it didn't work, James would be heartbroken by the loss. At least this way, he won't be losing anyone.

So, instead of apologising for interrupting on what was obviously meant to be a private moment for Regulus, James scowls instead.

James will continue to blame Regulus for as long as he lives. He longs for yesterday, when he had no conscious idea for his feelings. He wishes he could forget. Regulus deserves, in the very least, for James to be mad at him. Even if it is only for a little while.

"Was that a laugh? I can't tell anymore, you do it so often it's hard to differentiate between a laugh and a scowl." Regulus puts his hands in his pockets, still staring out at the rippling lake before him. He pulls out some toast and chucks it into the body of water. Seconds later, a thick tentacle reaches out above the surface, forcing the toast back down with it. "I'm surprised you even know how to scowl. If I'm being honest, I didn't know you knew how to do anything but smile."

"Fuck off," James answers coldly.

"Ha-ha. Very funny," Regulus mutters sarcastically. "James, I need to tell you so-"

Regulus doesn't get to finish his sentence before James cuts in.

"Go away! Leave me alone."

Regulus turns to face James, eyebrows bending down, a frown forms on his lips. He seems confused and maybe a bit upset. No, not upset, but hurt.

"What's got your wand in a knot?" He asks, never breaking eye contact.

"You. It's all you. Your fault. I wish I didn't know. I wish I didn't have to ever know. Maybe it's stupid and it's better that I do know, but I sure as hell don't feel that way right now. It's changed. I see you and I..." James wants to say so many things. He wants to say: I want to kiss you, I want to touch your hair, I want to give you heart flutters the way you do me.

But he doesn't. He doesn't say any of that.

"I want to forget. I want for you to be that boy you were four years ago. You've ruined it all in the space of a second."

"Ruined what? What have I done?!" His voice rises, eyes widening. Regulus no longer looks hurt, he looks so confused.

James stands, walking back towards the castle. He only stops when he's beside Regulus.

"I wish I could handle it. Maybe I'd do something about it," he says softly. The sun has finally risen, the light bounces off his glasses. He watches it for a while, still only a shoulders distance from Regulus. "Please, just leave me alone for a little while."

He continues striding towards the castle, only just hearing Regulus' strained voice whisper, "James."

He doesn't answer. Doesn't turn around. He keeps going because that's all he can do.

***

James continues to ignore Regulus for the first week back at Hogwarts. He does it subtly, in a way that doesn't draw anyone's attention to it - specifically Sirius'.

If Sirius found out James was ignoring Regulus... Well, it would ruin everything. James would have to admit why he was doing it - which would mean also admitting he was listening into Remus and Sirius' obviously private conversation, along with the fact that James was crushing on his best friend's baby brother. Then he would probably lose Sirius. Regulus would find out about his feelings. Everyone would know his secret. Everyone would know he's gay.

Nope.

No.

He couldn't tell anyone yet. Too soon. James hasn't even figured out his feelings for himself yet. If anyone else finds out, he has no chance.

So, whenever Regulus matches stride with Sirius and James in the corridors, or sits with them at the Gryffindor table for a meal, James escapes. In, what he hopes, is not an obvious way. Usually, he'll make an excuse. Something about homework, or desperately needing the toilet. Sirius is none the wiser each time. In fact, James is pretty sure Sirius thinks he has a bowel issue.

It's better than Sirius knowing the truth.

And as for Regulus... James can tell Regulus knows what he's doing. That he's purposefully averting him at every possible opportunity he has.

James still hasn't gotten over his anger. If anything, it's increased. Now, he feels anger towards himself for holding anger against Regulus when he literally never did anything wrong.

Anger.

Anger.

Anger.

It's something James isn't good at because he's rarely experienced it in the past. The only times he's ever truly been properly angry was when Sirius coerced Snape to follow Remus to the Shrieking Shack.

He also feels guilty.

Guilty for being angry with Regulus. Guilty for being angry with himself. Guilty for feeling like he should be angry at all. Being gay isn't something you should be ashamed of, yet James still fears what would happen - what would become of him - if he openly admitted it.

He misses Regulus. It hits him for the first time how much he craves those intimate strolls in the woods. He misses climbing trees and pointing out things to tell stories about. But most of all, he misses his friend.

James Potter may not have much experience with anger, but he knows, just from the little interaction he's had with it, that he hates it. He isn't good at it - which is a relief. He doesn't want to be good at it. At least that means there is hope for him. Hope that he can get over it. Regulus, at least, deserves that much. He deserves James' forgiveness.

Still, James isn't ready to let go of the way he feels.

He's always been optimistic and confident and loud. Finding out he was different to everyone around him, that he was not the person he thought he was, has usurped some of that out of him.

  Who is he without his confidence? 

I mean, he's James Potter for goodness sake! Being confidence is half of his personality. Yet, without wanting to, without giving permission for it to happen, his confidence was swiped from right under his nose.

It makes him feel unlike himself and so so uncomfortable in his own skin. That's why he's holding onto the anger. He hates hating himself. Being angry at someone else takes the spotlight off his self-hatred. Regulus just happened to be the only person on his mind when he came to this conclusion. Regulus will now forever be on James Potter's mind.

All this self-hatred and anger could be resolved with one solution: James could come out and say he fancies Regulus Black.

No.

That would only cause more problems. Sirius would surely hate him for liking his baby brother, and would possibly even be disgusted by the fact that his best friend (who has seen him naked multiple times) is gay.

James would be seen differently. Not only by his friends and family, but by everyone he's ever met and will ever meet. They'll always see him differently because he is different.

All these problems are like a tree. It's starts off with the main problem, the trunk. It's the source of all the further problems caused by the main one - the branches. And it only keeps creating even more problems - the smaller branches connected to the bigger ones. Yes, they're smaller, but they're more dangerous. A tree can fall or be knocked over in the middle of a storm, it only takes a gust of wind to break off a twig. That small problem can produce an outrage of larger ones. 

So, he makes a list. It calms his nerves a little, the organisation. 

1: He tells Regulus how he feels and the world reacts to it by turning on him. He loses his allies, his friends, himself.

2: He tells Regulus how he feels and nothing changes. 

3: He tells the world he's gay - not about his crush - and they react however they want to react.

4: He doesn't tell anyone anything. He keeps on living in the dark. He keeps on hiding.

Option four would be torture. Somehow it still seems like the best option. He's lived in the dark his whole life, right? He just didn't know it before now. He didn't know the moon was his only option. Now, he's had a glimpse of the sun, he can't seem to brush it away. He wants it. He needs it. He needs the sun to rise because if he never allows it to, he fears he'll fall so far into the darkness, that even the little light from the moon and stars will be lost to him.

James never thought of another possible alternative. An option five, if you will. Apparently, Regulus did.

On their second week back at Hogwarts, James found himself walking alone to Arithmancy. He's supposed to be meeting Remus outside the classroom, so they can sit together.

He's feeling a little more himself today; meaning, for the first time since they've been back, his shoulders aren't slumped. His walk isn't lazy, and his face isn't blank. He's actually smiling a little.

That is until Regulus begins to walk right next to him. He's so close that James can smell him - lemongrass and petrichor (it's finally autumn). Their shoulders catch every now and then. Regulus doesn't seem to make any sign that he's going to start up a conversation anytime soon, so James decides to take the lead. He always does.

"What's up, Regulus?" His voice isn't necessarily impolite, but it also isn't full of his usual delightful cheer.

"Not that I care- because I don't, alright? But- well, did I- What did I do? I mean, you've seemed frustrated by my very presence since the first day back." His words come out all rushed; by the end of it, his face is flushed red.

"It's... complicated." James sighs, knowing it's more than that. So much more.

"What is? I don't understand."

"I can't help you, Regulus." He shrugs his shoulders, finally spotting Remus leant against a wall outside of their Arithmancy class.

James and Regulus move through the thronged corridor in silence. When they reach Remus (who says "Hello" to Regulus with a small wave), Regulus finally leaves. James drags Remus into the classroom, hooking his hand around his arm.

"Ok, I'm coming." Remus says, slipping on the floor because of how harshly James is pulling him. He didn't mean to do that, he didn't even know he was doing it. "Are... you alright, Prongs? Your face is all red."

"What? No- no, it's not," James splutters. "I'm fine. I'm just..." he sighs "having a day."

***

Regulus tries to confront James once more in the upcoming week.

Gryffindor is about to go onto the Quidditch Pitch to get in their first practice of the year in before the Gryffindor versus Slytherin Quidditch match in October. James and the rest of the Gryffindor Quidditch team have been waiting in the stands for the past ten minutes because the Slytherin's have occupied the pitch. Their time is nearly up.

James watches Regulus, enraptured by the way he dives into the air and whips through space like he was born to fly. He was. Every now and then he'll do a little twirl on his broom; it's somehow both beautifully delicate and the coolest thing James has ever seen.

There is no doubt that Gryffindor should be worried this year. Regulus is one of the best seekers Hogwarts has ever seen. It's not that James has no faith in his own seeker, he does. Regulus is just better. There's no arguing about it, anyone can see it. He moves through the air as comfortably as a fish swims through water.

He's beautiful, James thinks.

That's dangerous. Don't go there.

The Slytherin Quidditch Captain, Evan Rosier, gathers the attention of his team. James takes this as the sign that they're finished with practice. The Gryffindors start making their way down the stands and onto the pitch, broom in hands.

James makes a point not to look up from the grass as the Slytherins walk past them. He thinks he's safe when he reaches the middle of the pitch where the chest - of which contain the three different types of balls needed to play Quidditch - resides. 

He glances up, only to see Regulus making his way towards him. He moves quickly, which is very unlike Regulus. Usually he's slow and careful with his steps. It's as if he's afraid he'll trip if he moves too fast, and that it would be the worst thing in the world if it did happen.

Today, he is on a mission.

James doesn't even have time to escape before Regulus has his hand around James' wrist and is dragging him from the pitch. James mutters something about Regulus and Sirius over his shoulder so his teammates don't grow suspicious.

All his words come out strained. His main focus right now is the way Regulus' skin feels against his. For a second, James is afraid. His heart is beating uncontrollably fast - Regulus can probably feel the pulse in his wrist.

He pulls it out of Regulus' grasp, immediately feeling a significant loss. Merlin, he is smitten. Regulus doesn't seem to catch onto James' gay crisis moment. 

"I'm busy at the minute, Regulus," James says shortly. He doesn't make eye contact with him, he just sort of stares at the space above his right shoulder.

"I don't care," Regulus answers. "I've gone through the past couple of weeks in my head and I cannot, for the life of me, figure out what the fuck I've done wrong! I mean, seriously, James. I- What is it? It's just pissing me off now."

"I thought you didn't care." James is aware of the spiteful tone in his voice, he instantly regrets it.

"I don't," Regulus mumbles. "I just don't think I deserve this... whatever the hell has happened to you. For some reason, that I do not need to know, you've suddenly decided to have a hormonal tantrum and picked me to take it out on."

"I'm not having a hormonal tantrum."

"Yes, you are." Regulus' voice is so full of certainty that even James believes him. "I have enough crap going on in my life right now. I don't need you luring in the background with your negativity, alright?"

"I don't lure-" James stops when Regulus raises an eyebrow that nearly reaches the top of his forehead. "Whatever, Regulus. Just go."

"I know I always used to say I didn't like you, but this version of you is even worse." With that, Regulus turns swiftly and leaves, following the rest of his teammates to the Slytherin changing rooms.

Regulus' words ring through James' ears. 

I know I always used to say I didn't like you, but this version of you is even worse. 

Coming from Regulus, it means a lot. James knew he was acting differently, maybe a little colder towards Regulus. What he didn't know was that he was acting so horribly that Regulus actually started to miss the old James.

Not that he said that.

Still, James knows that's what he meant, and it fucking breaks him.

***

James Potter started his sixth year at Hogwarts completely ignoring Regulus Black; now, Regulus is the one ignoring him. If anything, this makes it easier for James to come to a decision. He's been going over the list in his head every day. There are just so many competing negative and positive reasons for why he should go with each answer.

He knows he'll have to come to a decision one day, whether it's today, tomorrow, a year from now, ten years from now. It will happen. He'll snap because he's James Potter. His pride is loud, and he knows he will, one day, come to terms with the fact that he's gay. Not only that, but he'll be proud of it.

He's also listed out the facts in his head, and he's come down to one massive point. The trunk. He's found it. This is a good thing because it means he's one step closer to his decision. One step closer to breathing; he's been holding his breath for two weeks.

The fact (it's more of a factor) is Regulus. He is the centre of all the mess going on in James' head. He knows he needs to talk to him, to see him. Not necessarily to talk about James' feelings or anything like that. Honestly, James just misses him and he wants to see him. Maybe seeing him will help him come up with what to do. Maybe he should let the tree be knocked over by the storm.

He knows he needs to find Regulus. Now.

When James rolls over in his bed, he looks at the clock on his nightstand. It reads: 5:12.

Having the feeling he knows where Regulus might be, James quietly tilts out of bed, careful not to wake the others. He almost squirms when his bare feet hit the cold, wooden floor. Once he's put on his glasses and some socks and shoes, he tiptoes across the dorm and makes his way to Regulus.

He hopes.

It only occurs to James that he has forgotten the map once he is on the ground floor of the castle, meaning it's too late to go back up and get it. Luckily, he manages to avoid Filch (the greasy caretaker at Hogwarts) and his irritating cat, Mrs Norris.

He sneaks out of the main entrance to the castle and continues down the grassy fields of the Hogwarts grounds. His feet carry him all the way down to the edge of the lake, using it as a guide to take him where he needs to go.

The sun gently rises above the far ridge of the lake, creating a concoction of yellows, oranges, pinks, and blues. They paint the sky, slowly banishing the stars until the moon grants them permission to return. The lake reflects the entire scene, somehow even more beautifully than the actual thing.

James watches it for a moment. Only a moment. Then, he's off again.

He finds Regulus sitting under the oak tree on the edge of the Black Lake, watching as the sun claims the day. James isn't looking at the sun anymore. He's looking at a star.

Regulus is beautiful, even now. The wind brushes through his hair carefully, not enough to blow it in his face, but just enough to let the curls dance around his head. His fingers are subconsciously playing with the blades of grass that sit in his lap; he's sitting cross-legged, which somehow makes him look smaller, more innocent. 

James approaches him the way one might approach a rabid animal: cautiously and slowly.

"James." Regulus says it as more of a statement than a question.

"Hello." His voice comes out all nervous and much unlike himself. It is bare of all confidence. This is what Regulus does to him.

He sits down near Regulus, leaving a hand-sized gap between their knees. If he moved, their knees would touch. This seems to bother Regulus for some reason. James thinks it's because Regulus is probably mad at him for treating him like shit for the past couple of weeks.

"Why are you here?" Regulus asks bitterly.

James has some work to do.

"I- Reggie, I just wanted to apologise for the past couple of weeks. I didn't- You didn't do anything, I was..." James stops, not knowing how to word what he wants to say. "You see, the thing is-"

"James, stop." He does. As soon as he hears Regulus' whisper, he stops. "If you want to tell me something, just do it. You don't have to reshape your words just so it sounds better when I hear it. I can see right through you."

"Being blunt is that easy, is it?" James answers.

They aren't looking at each other, both of them have their eyes on the lake. James finds comfort in the way the water smoothly ripples and waves, acting as a canvas for the sky.

"Yes." Regulus answers, then adds, "Although, I assume it's easier to be blunt when you don't care how people will react to you. It's easier that way."

"I don't think so," James begins. "I think it depends on what you want to say. Sometimes things can be told easily, like stories, they just flow out of you. But then there are things that are harder to say out loud, especially when you can barely admit them to yourself."

He lets out a deep sigh.

Out of the corner of his eye, James senses Regulus' eyes shifting from the lake to him. He's too nervous to do the same. He's afraid of what his eyes will say. What Regulus will be able to read from them.

"What is Perfect Potter hiding that's so awful that he can't even admit it to himself?" He sounds mocking when he says this, which only triggers James' remaining anger.

Finally turning to look at him, James lets the anger take over.

"You're the reason I have this problem. I know it's unfair to blame you, but it only seems logical. I wouldn't know if you- if you hadn't-" He stops with a sharp exhale of breath.

"What? What did I do?" Regulus raises his voice. He's never shouted at James before, and James doesn't want him to. So, he tries to calm himself down.

"You- it's... hard to explain."

"I don't have time for this." Regulus huffs, standing up.

"No, wait!" James calls after him, but Regulus has already started to walk away. "Reggie!"

At this Regulus stops and turns around steadily. The new born sun reflects in his eyes, making them look more see-through than usual. They are so black. They look like a body of water, so deep that if you fell in them, you'd never be able to resurface.

"I don't want to bother with you and your problems anymore, James."

"I know," James whispers. "There's just something I can only tell you because I know that out of anyone in this school - heck, in this world - would understand it, it's you."

"You already have a best friend you can confide your secrets in, James. My brother."

James takes a small step closer.

"Not this."

"Yes, anything. No matter what it is, Sirius will love you. You know he will. He's always loved you." Regulus' voice fades to a whisper too.

James continues to edge closer, not completely knowing why just yet. All he knows is that he needs to keep going. He needs to take that final step.

He does.

They stand face to face, an inch between their shoes.

"I can only tell you," James whispers. He lifts a hand to touch Regulus' hair. Only one curl - it's hanging in front of his face, covering one of those insufferable eyes. 

That's when James comes to a decision. It isn't one on his list. No, he decides on a fifth option (or is it the sixth?). The option he didn't think of as a possibility.

"James," Regulus croaks.

"I can only tell you, Reggie. Let me show you?"

Regulus opens his mouth to say something, but doesn't seem to be able to find his voice. He just stares at James intensely, trying to figure out what he means. When James thinks Regulus has given up on trying, he nods.

James moves the hand that was in Regulus' hair to his cheek, allowing the other one to snake it's way around Regulus' waist and landing on his lower back. Regulus' arms hang, like they don't know where to go or what to do. His eyes are full of wariness, but there's something else. Something James can't quite put his finger on.

Allowing his eyes to close, James delicately leans closer, feeling as first their noses touch so carefully, so swiftly. He can hear Regulus' breathing hitch at the same time his own does.

Regulus is the one to close the remaining gap between them, letting their lips brush together. It starts off slow, just a peck. They both lean back to breathe, still so close to each other. Then, Regulus lifts his hands and places them on the back of James' neck, feeling through his hair, before drawing him in again.

This time, they both know what is going to happen. They're both ready.

James feels as the kiss morphs from sweet to heated. He can pinpoint the exact moment it happens. When Regulus introduces the tip of his tongue, deepening the kiss, increasing the pace of it.

James has kissed people - girls - like this in the past, but it had always been sloppy and... wrong.

It isn't with Regulus. No.

With Regulus it's comfy and familiar, whilst somehow also being new and riveting. James feels like he's been building up to this feeling, this moment, his entire life. He never wants it to end, especially when Regulus starts to card his fingers through James' hair.

This forces James to moan.

Yes, fucking moan.

He pulls away, so embarrassed by what just came out of his mouth.

They both step back, far enough that there is now a metre of grass between them.

James is panting, and when he looks up at Regulus he sees he is also trying to catch his breath. He brings his fingers up to his lips, feeling them. They are wet and tingly. Not in the disgusting way. In a way that makes him want to grab Regulus and kiss him without ever taking another breath. He wants to feel that forever.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't- I shouldn't have done that. I-" Regulus stutters.

There is panic in his eyes. This seems to bring James back from his rumination, landing him back on Earth.

"What? No- It wasn't- you didn't-"

Why the fuck can neither of them form a coherent sentence? It's getting really annoying.

"I have to go," Regulus swallows. He wipes his lips, as if he's trying to get rid of the memory of James' on his. "Bye, James."

He spins around and strides back to the castle.

James calls after him, just a gentle, "Regulus."

Just how James had ignored him, Regulus does the same. James doesn't even try to stop him.