Chapter 3
I bet on losing dogs
I know they're losing and I'll pay for my place
By the ring
Where I'll be looking in their eyes when they're down
I'll be there on their side
I'm losing by their side
***
As the weeks passed, Remus’s attempts at tentatively forging a friendship between them dwindled, and eventually faded out completely. He’d soon realised that Sirius had absolutely no interest in forming any kind of relationship with him, apart from the rivalry that was bound to happen anyway considering their shared intelligence. After the fourth time Sirius had proudly (in James’ words: egotistically) shoved a perfectly-scored assignment in Remus’s face, smirking, the boy had seemed to catch on to the fact that there was a competition happening, and enthusiastically responded in turn, somehow pulling out 100s on every single test for the rest of term.
Weirdly, Sirius found this comforting. Don’t get him wrong, he still hated the guy, but it was nice to finally have someone to compete with academically. There was Lily Evans, immediately dubbed the Rory Gilmore of the Gryffindor girls due to her high marks, but even she couldn’t keep up with him. It just seemed like Remus shared the same thirst for knowledge he had, the one that kept him researching chemistry formulas and random wars until the early hours of the morning, until the sun peeked her rosy hues over the horizon and Sirius realised that he’d been up all night. Remus’s quirks were annoying - Sirius despised the spattering of dainty freckles and harsh scars that decorated his delicate cheekbones, the soft German accent that occasionally turned his “w”s into “v”s, the way he blushed scarlet as soon as anyone so much as looked at him, especially at his scars.
He hated seeing Remus climb out of his drawn bedcurtains in the morning, ink smudged on his hands and cheeks, a history textbook (not part of their assigned reading, of course) clutched in his freckled, slender fingers, because it reminded Sirius that Remus was just like him - but for the same reason, he loved seeing it.
***
“Last assignment of the term, and a perfect-fucking-score at that,” Remus sang, waltzing into their dormitory. Sirius startled from his position on his bed, hunched over his maths textbook, copying down worked examples. He suppressed a smile as he watched the boy dance around the mess of books, clothes, and records on the floor, skilfully dodging the piles of chocolate Peter had stashed next to his trunk.
“What’s the matter, schnucki?” he taunted as Sirius went back to his work. “Too scared to tell me what your score was? Sounds about right.”
Sirius had heard Remus use the word “schnucki” before, and assumed it was some form of German insult. He’d tried to look it up in a dictionary, but couldn’t find anything, which was mildly irritating. But, he smirked, he didn’t have to worry about that now, since he had something much better to show Remus.
Remus balked at the expression on Sirius’s face. “Mein Gott, please don’t tell me you…”. He trailed off.
Sirius leapt off his bed, gleefully clutching the papers he had previously hidden under his pillow. “Extra credit, baby! One hundred and three percent.”
The boy groaned loudly and fell back onto his pillow. “I should’ve known. I’ve got to give it to you, though, you had me fooled. You’re so-”
“Sexy? Outrageously intelligent? Handsome? Yes to all of the above, thank you.”
A blush spread up Remus’s neck, his scars stark white against the rosy colour of his skin. “Okay schnucki, whatever you say.” He pressed his face into his bedclothes.
“Hey, what does that even translate to? Schnucki, I mean. I couldn’t find it in the German dictionary in the library,” Sirius asked quizically. Maybe this was his chance to find out what derogatory term Remus had been calling him for the past few weeks! His hopes were dashed, however, when Remus somehow flushed an even brighter red, muttering something unintelligible into his mattress. “What was that?”
“Nothing,” Remus mumbled. “It means nothing. It’s just a German insult.”
Sirius couldn’t help but feel that the boy wasn’t telling the whole truth - who the hell blushes that red in response to a question like that? - but nodded, dismissing it and moving on. “Are you going home for holidays, then?”
Remus turned over from where he was lying and nodded, a small smile spreading across his face and a dimple appearing in his cheek. “Ja, mama said that we could go back to Berlin for a month or two. I’m excited to see my town again, it’s been ages since I was last there.”
Sirius couldn’t help but smile at his roommate’s clear joy at the mere thought of visiting his home. “That sounds fun. Is your dad coming, too?”
The boy’s face shuttered and Sirius immediately regretted asking the question. “My father is dead,” he said simply.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring it-”
“It’s fine,” Remus interrupted. “We didn’t have the best relationship.”
“Why not?” Sirius questioned. He knew he may be crossing a line, but he needed, just needed to know if he and Remus had had the same parental experiences.
Remus grimaced. “He, ach, how do you say? Didn’t enjoy the gender I like. He would call me eine Schwuchtel - sorry, I don’t remember the English word - and hurt me. But he’s gone now, so..” he finished in an indifferent tone, trailing off.
Sirius felt a pang in his sternum at the thought of his roommate being abused by his father, just like he was. Even down to why he was hurt. Was that where his scars were from? However, there was also a glimmer of hope there, at maybe, finally, having someone to talk about these kinds of things with. “Do you mean he was…homophobic? Remus?”
The boy nodded. “Ja, that’s what I meant. Not so good, hey!” he laughed mirthlessly. “Just...he wasn’t the nicest person. He was always disappointed in me, I guess. I never lived up to his expectations.”
Sirius felt a pang in his chest at the words, as he could relate all too well. His own parents had never been pleased with him, always finding faults in everything he did. It was part of the reason why he had left home and come to Pineridge in the first place. He knew he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t help the words that spilled out of his mouth next.
“I know how you feel,” he said quietly, surprising even himself. “My parents were the same. They never approved of anything I did, always wanted me to be more like my brother.”
Remus looked at him in surprise, his eyes widening slightly. “I had no idea,” he said softly.
Sirius shrugged, feeling a little uncomfortable now that he had opened up. “It’s not something I talk about often,” he admitted.
There was a moment of silence between them, and then Remus spoke again. “You know, I used to think you were just...arrogant. That you thought you were better than everyone else because of your family and your money. But now...I don’t know. I think maybe there’s more to you than that.”
Sirius felt a flicker of something warm in his chest at the words, and he found himself looking at Remus in a new light. Maybe they weren’t so different after all. Maybe they could even be...friends?
But then the moment was gone as quickly as it had come, and Sirius found himself once again pushing down those thoughts and feelings. He didn’t need friends, especially not ones who reminded him of the things he was trying to forget.
“Yeah, well, don’t get too excited,” he said gruffly, standing up from his bed. “I’m still the same person, whether you think I’m arrogant or not.”
Remus looked a little hurt at the dismissal, but he quickly covered it up with a smile. “I never said I didn’t think you were arrogant,” he teased, and Sirius couldn’t help but grin in response.
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say, schnucki.”
Remus rolled his eyes, but there was a hint of amusement in his expression. “You’re impossible.”
“Nah,” Sirius said, heading towards the door. “I’m just me.”
As he closed the door behind him, he couldn’t help but feel a strange sense of longing. Maybe, just maybe, things could be different between them. But he pushed that thought away as quickly as it had come, focusing instead on the freedom he would feel once he left the castle for the holidays.
No more classes, no more assignments, no more Remus and his infuriatingly endearing quirks. Just him and the open road, and the wind in his hair.
He couldn’t wait.
***
Later, Sirius regretted not appreciating this moment more - a shared comfort between rivals. When Remus turned up to Pineridge after the holidays, pale, withdrawn, and gaunt, he thought it was stupid he hadn’t better memorialised the image of his roommate, flushed but golden-eyed, smiling at him. The boy had holed himself up in the library every night since they’d begun their second year, and Sirius was truly beginning to miss their gloating sessions. Who knew he’d become so fond of their competition? And when the nightmares started, horrifying screams piercing the quiet of dormitory 2B every night, Sirius wished with all his heart that he’d memorised the sound of soft breathing and pen scratching on paper coming from Remus’s bed.