SACRIFICE
“You think I want to do this?!” Remus shouted across the room at Sirius.
“Yeah I rather think you do! You left weeks before the full moon and came back days later, if you even decide to come back at all. You don’t find that suspicious!” Sirius raised his voice, his arms gesticulating wildly around him.
“It’s my mission I can’t just come and go as I please, I have to get their trust!”
“Oh and just break ours in the process?”
“I trust you! Completely!”
Sirius just huffed incredulously.
“What? You don’t trust me?” Remus breathed, slowly shaking his head.
“I don’t know what I think” Sirius muttered, pulling at his hair.
“What the hell is going on here?” Vera asked, walking into the room after eavesdropping for the last half of this screaming match.
Sirius just grumbled and pushed past her to go upstairs.
“What happened?” she asked Remus who just collapsed on the sofa.
When he finally brought his head up to look at her, she saw his eyes had tears filling them and she instantly dropped into the seat next to him and put her hands on either side of his head.
“He doesn’t trust me, I didn’t even- I didn’t do anything” Remus whined bordering on crying and Vera felt her heart shattering.
He looked so so tired and she yearned for their school days. She remembered when Remus first told her about his feelings for Sirius, the way he despaired all the while she sat smiling, overjoyed because Sirius had the same conversation with her just before.
“He doesn’t know what he’s talking about, he’s just stressed” she reasoned.
“He’s been like this for weeks! He won’t talk to me, he hasn’t even gone back to the apartment when I’m there. I think about him all the time when I'm away but I can’t come back, they don’t let me!” he reasoned with her and she nodded along, stroking his hair.
“Hey, I believe you and I trust you, wholeheartedly. He’ll come around, I promise.”
“I think about you too, call for you.”
She just smiled, “Does Moony miss me?”
He nodded and she just put her head in his lap as she lay back, thinking.
Back in Hogwarts, the process to become an Animagus was horribly difficult but she knew it would be their only way to stay with Remus during the moons. She was an arctic fox, much to everyone’s surprise. She shone like a beacon of light in the forests which always managed to catch Moony’s attention but they had so much fun together playing various versions of hide-and-seek or tag. Sometimes Moony got a bit too excited but she always healed herself before she woke up, never wanting to hurt him. Her and Remus connected not only on an Animagus level but in this form as well.
After a while she guided him back upstairs and then walked straight into Sirius’ room, because at some point recently, their room had become separate. She was ready to tell him off.
“Sirius-”
“I’m not in the mood for a lecture.”
“Yeah? Well you’re getting one anyways.”
He rolled his eyes, turning away from her, but she forced him to look at her.
“Sirius, he’s really hurt you know, even I’m starting to get worried. What's with you not trusting him?”
“It’s just” he huffed, running his fingers through his mane- a nervous habit he never let go of, “First he had all these meetings with Dumbledore- never saying what they were about and now he goes off with the werewolf packs. It’s dangerous.”
“You’re scared for him,” she understood immediately.
He nodded slowly and Vera felt her anger dissipate at the sight of his face. His bright grey eyes shining, pleading. She often saw his eyes when they were glinting with mischief that seeing them any other way just felt wrong. It’s been a long time since she saw them that way.
“You know, he mentioned that you haven’t been going to the flat. At all.”
Everyone had been seeing each other less and less these days and she felt like perhaps that was the biggest cause of their problem. Sirius and Remus did best together but both sides quickly became hostile at the slightest upset. They were both sensitive and both tended to pull away if they felt rebuked.
“I just don’t want to fight,” he sighed.
“Have you considered that that’s maybe why you are fighting?”
He shook his head with amusement and looked up at her, his lips turning upward, “You’re good.”
She just bumped his shoulder, “I know” she cheered.
He went back downstairs to talk to Remus and as she peered over the railing she saw them embrace each other tightly, slightly swaying, and felt pleased knowing at least one fire was put out.
_________
Her day was abruptly ruined by Biscuit bearing a letter from Snape. She hadn’t seen him in quite a while though she had begun cracking into the books Regulus gave her. She hadn’t had an opportunity to practice any spells though, never having a moment alone.
Potter,
Your presence is requested on Sunday at 8PM.
S.Snape.
Shite.
If Voldemort decided to give her another little test of his, she’d surely fail.
She grabbed a piece of parchment and hastily scribbled a letter addressed for Grimmauld, hoping Regulus replied soon. He said the spells were all elementary and she wanted to return the books regardless so she hoped he would be a sufficient tutor.
She received his message a few hours later and he said he was free at the moment so she hastily got ready and apparated there.
The same elf was there to greet her.
“Master Regulus is waiting for you in the Library” he croaked.
“Thank you. By the way, what is your name?” She bent down to ask.
He seemed surprised by the question. “Kreacher.”
“Thank you Kreacher. I’m Vera” she smiled, sticking a hand out.
Kreacher flinched and she realized he thought he was going to hit her. She pulled her hand back and settled for a nod, setting off towards the library.
She hadn’t seen Walburga yet and she didn’t trust herself not to punch her in the nose if she ever saw her. She had enough anger to fill the world, twice, for that horrid wretch of a woman.
She made it to the Library and saw him sitting on the sofa in the alcove by the windows.
He stood up at her arrival, “Potter.”
He was dressed in well-tailored black robes. He always seemed so formal, so tense, that she wondered if he ever wore anything but this unofficial uniform.
She just collapsed onto the sofa, “Help.”
His lip turned up just slightly at the corner, “Your letter seemed urgent.”
“I have a meeting with the Dark Lord. Soon. And I read the books you gave me but I hadn’t had a chance to practice them and I want to make sure I get it down right. I can’t let him down.”
“What do you have so far?”
“Just quiz me on some basic stuff” she said, trying to keep her horizons broad.
“I don’t think the Library is the best place to do this,” he hesitated.
“Okay, another room then.”
She followed him as he left the library, going up another set of stairs, down a hall, taking a few turns until they finally came upon an unoccupied room down the hall. He cleared some leftover furniture and cast protective enchantments on the wall. He then placed a dummy in the center of the room.
“Multum vulnus” he proffered, immediately jumping in.
She recognized the spell and cast. “Multum Vulnus!” she moved her arm in an aggressive slash across the dummy and a laceration cut across the dummy, sand leaking out of it.
He nodded once and circled behind her, replacing the dummy.
“Fulgur ignis.”
She repeated him, this time aggressively moving her hand in a zigzag motion.
Blue jets of lightning enveloped the dummy, causing it to shake and vibrate on the floor.
Maybe she was ready for this meeting. That is until,
“Lacerant membra.”
She cast it but only a slight tear on the seams at the dummy’s arm appeared. When she tried again, a small cut appeared on the arm, a few grains of sand falling out.
“Again.”
She got the same result, a small scratch across the abdomen.
“Again.”
A slightly deeper cut across the arm.
“Dark magic is all about intent. You have to mean it.”
“I do mean it.”
“You don’t. A simple Lumos can be done without thought, you can use it to read a book or light a dark room and you’ll forget about it. Dark magic leaves its mark on your soul, requires sacrifice, you need to mean it,” he resumed his pacing.
She hadn’t thought about that yet. She knew, on a surface level, that Dark Magic can ruin your soul, leaving it a shriveled up remnant of what it once had been but now that she was actively doing it, she wondered if her soul was already starting to give out. How would she know when she had gone too far?
“What does your soul look like?” she asked, immediately regretting the words as they came out.
He was quiet for so long that she thought he wasn’t going to answer.
Finally, he paused and said, “Sometimes I wonder if it’s even there anymore.”
“Again.”
This continued about ten more times and Vera was fed up.
“Well this was nice, shame it’s over though, I thought you’d last a bit longer if I’m honest” he drawled, clapping his hands once and walking towards the door.
“What are you talking about?” she spun around.
“If you can’t even perform these spells then what do you think you could possibly offer to the Dark Lord?”
“I’m trying okay.”
“Trying gets you killed. It’s about doing .”
“This is my first time practicing these spells, just give me a minute ” she grunted.
“Right, let's all pause so Potter can get her shite together,” He clapped again as if for a toddler.
“Gods can you shut up for one minute.”
“Are you a squib? I’m genuinely curious.”
“Why are you being such an arse!” she snarled and he took three loud steps towards her until he was just mere inches away.
“I’m trying to keep you alive. Now do it. Again” he commanded, staring down his nose at her, pointing aggressively at the dummy.
They were suddenly standing very close together and if she wasn’t so angry she might’ve noticed how his eyes seem lit up with fire, so at odds with the placid expression he wore at their last meeting. Okay, maybe she spared a moment to notice.
She turned around and spat, “Lacerant membra!”
The head fell right clean off of the dummy and she felt a mix of pleasure and horror at the sight.
He nodded once and said, “If you can keep that same anger within you for the length of this test, you just might survive.”
“Why do you make it sound like he’s going to try and kill me every other second?”
Regulus looked at her as if she was stupid.
“What do you think this is? That you say you want to follow him and he’ll just keel over and be grateful for you. You are absolutely nothing but a liability to him until you prove yourself to be worth anything more than hippogriff shite.”
“And have you proven your worth?” she retorted, fuming now. She had already given up so much to Voldemort and she hated Regulus thinking that she just did this on some sort of whim, as if this wasn’t all calculated.
“I’m still alive so clearly I have. Keep practicing.”
He turned and left without a look back, leaving her there alone.
So maybe he wasn’t as docile as she first thought he would be. She didn’t know what caused the sudden switch in emotion but she didn’t give it much thought.
It’s not like she would just stay here so she stepped out of the room into the corridor and was a bit disoriented, not quite knowing where to go.
She tried retracing her steps, trying to remember the winding path they took to reach this room. She saw a new set of stairs and made to walk down them until she saw what was attached to the wall.
Heads of house elves. They were lined up in neat rows across the wall and she had to suppress the urge to vomit, the bile burning the back of her tongue. It was grotesque seeing the severed heads there, some were missing their ears or eyes. The necks weren’t neat either, jagged lines indicating a painful death. She was suddenly grateful that he hadn’t shown her this staircase yet.
“This is why I pushed you earlier,” he appeared behind her and she almost slipped down the stairs as she jumped. She hadn’t even heard him approach.
“That is what ‘a minute’ costs. That’s what hesitating costs you with the Dark Lord. There are no practice rounds, no grace periods.”
“But why? The elves don't do anything?” she urged, pointing at them.
“Exactly. Their lives are expendable.”
“Surely you don’t believe that. They eat and breathe and they-”
“They are replaceable” he said though he didn’t sound like he believed his words, a sense of hesitance under his words but his face remained stony.
She thought about the old elf from before, Kreacher, and how he felt seeing elf heads on the wall. The sheer amount of them meant that this had been going on for quite some time, generations possibly.
“Did you…”
“They were for practice and if you don't improve, you will have to as well."
She physically shuddered as she realized where she was, truly. She was in the presence of murderers. The marked death eaters offered more than just money, they also did whatever Voldemort asked of them to remain in such a position. They earned that marker on their soul.
“Where’s the floo” she grit out.
She followed him and left, not saying another word.
_________
“My Lord” Vera bowed, again at Lestrange manor. She guessed this was his permanent residence then. It was weird to think that the man in front of her ate and slept. He did do that right?
“Vera” he smiled serenely.
She did her best to avoid looking at the man immobilized on the floor in the center of the room, hyperfocusing on Voldemort instead.
“Welcome back.”
Bellatrix was sitting next to him though she looked like she was immensely excited at whatever was about to happen tonight.
“Of course my Lord.” She looked at him with a grimace, she desperately tried to turn the corners of her mouth up but it felt as if they were being weighed down by dumbbells.
“I wanted to check in with your progress.”
“It is going well my Lord, Regulus provided me with some texts.”
“Good. However, there is a difference between having knowledge and actually putting it to use” he explained.
He then gestured idly to the man on the floor. He looked like a Muggle based on his clothing. He had sandy brown hair and blue eyes that were wide open in fear as he was immobilized on the floor kneeling, his head down.
“I’d like you to practice all you have learned on this muggle.” His words cut straight to the open, no space for question or explanation.
She just continued staring at the man, at the top of his head.
“He’s a muggle Bellatrix has kindly provided for our practice session. Bellatrix?”
She swiped her wand and the man was suddenly mobile again and he stood up quickly, his head swiveled across the room quickly, eyes wide, mouth gaping. He looked like a fish that had suddenly sprouted legs, standing on wobbly legs- not knowing where to go.
“Severus.”
He swiped his wand from behind her and shackles burst from the floor and clamped around the man’s arms and legs. The chains then tightened and he was pulled painfully back to the floor, arms and legs splayed out.
He began to scream, “Please let me go! I don’t know you- I won’t call the cops, please! I have a family, a wife, I have kids!”
Bellatrix stepped forward then.
She waved her wand and silenced the man.
His face paused in confusion mid-shout and he began to cry soundlessly. He must have realized he wasn’t going to walk out alive.
Vera felt like she was ready to cry at the sight. She didn’t think she would have to do this so soon, and have to sacrifice her morals so soon. This poor man didn’t do anything except exist.
She thought about the elves at Grimmauld and wished, for one painful moment, that an elf was in front of her instead of this man. Seeing him splayed out like that she realized that he was just a piece of meat to them and she was to be the butcher.
“I don’t like to be kept waiting,” he spoke.
She slowly raised her wand, willing her hand to stop shaking.
“Aculeo!” she shot out weakly at the muggle.
It was just a simple stinging hex and the man flinched but he continued trying to fight, the chains clanking loudly in the quiet room.
“Surely you learned something in the time you’ve been given” Voldemort pushed.
“Multum vulnus!” she remembered from earlier.
What was supposed to be a deep laceration was just a small cut across the man's arm, something that could be easily healed.
Voldemort’s nostrils flared then, his displeasure evident.
She casted it again and nothing came out.
“Bellatrix, perhaps Vera needs a demonstration of what is expected of her.”
She twirled her wand in her hand, stepping forward with her head tilted to the side, assessing him.
She circled around the man until suddenly ducking down to him, placing her wand under his chin to tilt it up, “And where shall I begin dearie.”
The man turned his face away, more tears streaming down his face.
She suddenly dragged her wand down from his chin to his chest. The smell of burning flesh filled the room as her wand grew red hot. She branded a thick straight line down his body.
Then she stood and screeched “Multum vulnus!” The exact spell Vera should have been able to do.
She executed it perfectly. The man’s arm was fully slashed open now and Vera could see a hint of pristine white bone peeking through the flesh.
“Vera, again.”
Vera thought she was done. Would be forced to watch what happened and end the night. She was a fool for thinking that it’d be so easy.
She sent a stinging hex at the man instead who recoiled, his arm shook at the impact and Vera cringed.
“That is precisely the weakness I want to eliminate. I hope I was not wrong in putting a measure of faith in you Vera.”
She looked up at him, eyes wide, “No my Lord, I can do it I just didn’t understand-”
“Ah yes. Some are slower than others. Let me show you then.”
He stalked forward until he stood above the Muggle’s head, looking down at him, and sneered. Even though she was not used to his appearance, the Muggle looked petrified as he stared at the man.
“ Decapitatio !”
The man’s head was cleanly sliced off and the room was silent except for the spurting of blood from his neck.
Vera almost threw up then. His face froze in that terrified expression.
Bellatrix gave the head a kick and it thumped along the floor boards.
Vera felt the bile burn her throat at the carelessness.
"The man could have lived if you had just done what was asked of you. This is because of your failings" Voldemort tutted, as if it was a shame.
She didn't know whether that was true or not. He hadn't necessarily asked her to kill him, just practice what she had learned so far but she still felt the guilt seep into her veins, flow through her like sludge and her body felt heavier than before. Perhaps she saved him, gave him a quick death or maybe Voldemort would've just left him somewhere to die and he still would have found some way to receive medical treatment. She didn't know what the outcome of tonight could have been but she knew what it was. Death. And it was on her hands.
If she never did this, the man would still be alive, with his family. Or maybe Bellatrix would have snatched him for another reason.
Everything was up in the air and Vera didn't know what was right or wrong.
Suddenly, “ Crucio! ”
She collapsed to the floor and felt like her skin had been flayed. Her bones broke and reformed, her joints stretched and torn. She felt like acid had been poured down her throat and she was burning on the inside. She screamed and writhed on the floor, her nails scratching into the floorboards.
He let it go.
“Vera, it pains me to do this, truly. I do this for your benefit- so you may succeed. Bellatrix will oversee your future training. The war is upon us, it would be a shame for you to be left behind” he mock-complained.
“Us girls will have so much fun together” she cooed, smiling widely so each of her sharpened teeth were on display.
Vera threw up then, all over herself and the floor.
Voldemort just sneered in disgust and left, Bellatrix behind him.
A small elf appeared in the room then and vanished the mess.
Snape came up and gathered her much like he did last time, grateful Voldemort was never there to see it. She had forgotten he was in the room as he stood by the back wall, silently observing.
She continued to heave as she laid on his sofa as he brought her a glass of water and a potion vial. How could she spin this? Surely Snape went through this all and survived, happy about it. Regulus must’ve done the same. If they all did it, she could too but at this moment, she felt nothing but horror.
For Bellatrix who relished in the pain, for Voldemort who ordered others to do this, for the poor man who would surely be dumped in some ditch- his family never knowing where to find him, for herself who abandoned her morals and had even touched him.
“I think he sees you as an asset.”
“What?” she whispered weakly.
“You are a complete blank slate- no connections to other Pureblood family, Slytherin ideals, to dark magic. Yet, you are dedicated. I think that’s why he’s pushing you to these limits” Snape thought aloud.
“Did he do this to you?”
“Yes, though it was much later in my 'initiation' and it came much easier to me. I never had such reactions.” His wording made it seem like she was being dramatic for reacting the way she did which she thought supremely unfair.
“Nice to know you don’t have a conscience.”
“That is the price to pay for power.”
Right.
“Can I just stay for a moment? I don’t know who’s home right now and I can’t…”
“That’s fine” was all he said.
He pulled out a blanket from a cupboard and placed it next to her with a nod before lighting the hearth and leaving her alone in the room.
It was kind of Snape to do that, uncharacteristically so, but she was thankful for the silence that ensued.
She groaned as she shifted, her body protesting her movements. She knew the Cruciatus curse would be painful but that was unimaginable. The amount of hate that must be cursing through Voldemort to kill the muggle before cursing her so savagely right after should be impossible but he cast them as if they were nothing.
She had bruises on her face from where she hit the ground and her nails were bleeding and cracked.
She stared at the flames for so long that they blurred across her vision and she chugged the vial Snape put in front of her, recognizing it as Dreamless Sleep and she let it pull her under its sweet allure, nothing but nothingness.