icarus
Regulus has just over two months to succeed with his plan so he knows he needs to work fast, creating maximum damage in the smallest amount of time.
It’s a funny feeling, knowing you’re going to die, but Regulus feels like this was somehow always his fate. Sometimes he’ll awake from nightmares of him drowning, cold dead hands grasping him, flesh consuming flesh, water filling his lungs as he takes his last breath and it makes him wonder if that’s what is waiting for him if he swears allegiance to the Dark Lord and brands his skin with the mark.
Maybe it’s always been written in his stars that he’ll never make it past his 18th birthday.
Regulus never exactly planned to become a stoner but as he’s sitting looking out over the great lake feeling the familiar buzz of warmth as the weed starts to hit he can’t help but think that he’ll never feel as calm as he does at this moment. Maybe it’s because he’s accepted his fate, or maybe it’s because this will probably be his last moment of peace before he self-destructs and takes down everyone around him but as he lifts the spliff to his mouth and inhales he feels a quietness settle inside of him, he could stay here forever.
Of course his peace is disrupted as he hears the trudging of footsteps over the frosted grass, but as he turns around to tell Barty or Evan to fuck off he’s met with the face of James Potter, smirking with a twinkle in his hazel eyes.
‘I never took you for a stoner, Reggie.’
‘Do not call me that, refer to me as Regulus or nothing at all,’ he snarls.
‘Now piss off Potter can’t you see i’m busy.’
This only seems to amuse Potter more as he lets out a chuckle, looks Regulus up and down and then proceeding to say,
‘Oh darling, if you think that’s going to work then maybe you need to rethink your opinion of me.’
Regulus can feel red creeping up his face as he hastily wills it to retreat. He hates James Potter, he hates him so much but what did he just call him?
‘Darling.’
And oh salazar does that makes Regulus feel lightheaded and dizzy, like a little kid on christmas, however he’s not sure it’s the weed this time.
With one final look towards James, who seems to be smirking knowingly at Regulus’ flustered form, he forces himself up, straightens his robes and then tries to walk away without another look but not before he feels James’ fingers brushing against his arm. As he looks down at the contact and back to James’ face, he can feel himself shivering and burning, but not in a bad way.
‘There’s a party in the Ravenclaw tower tonight, you should bring your friends i’ve heard your great fun to party with,’
And with that James drops Regulus’ arm and proceeds to shout over his shoulder,
‘See you around, Baby Black.’
——
It would be the understatement of the century to say Regulus is confused.
He hates James Potter, this is the same boy who stole his brother, who took away his only family.
It’s James Potter.
The arrogant Gryffindor who loves to be the centre of attention, the golden boy.
Regulus despises James Potter, so why did it feel so good when he touched him and why are those hazel eyes swimming around in his brain even now, two hours later.
Maybe it’s just because Regulus is weak, and a part of him knows that James Potter reminds him of his brother, but a part of him knows this is just his own denial because he’s not ready to face the truth.
He knows the truth is that he actually doesn’t hate James Potter and that he never did hate him, but it’s just so much easier to pretend to hate him than to admit that he has feelings for not just a Gryffindor but his brother's best friend.
So as he sits on his bed mindlessly throwing a snitch in the air he comes to the conclusion that he should definitely go to the Ravenclaw party. He needs to start his plan of becoming the Blacks biggest family disappointment, and he needs to get over James Potter, so where better to achieve both of these things.
He sends a note to the rest of his friends informing them that they’re going to attend the party tonight and he decides to start getting dressed. He pulls on the skinniest jeans he could find which also seemed to be black and ripped to shreds, showing more skin than they cover, and then proceeds to throw on a band top he had stolen from Sirius before he ran away. He’d only ever heard a few Pink Floyd songs but he knows enough to know it matches his image, so he makes sure to turn the shirt into a crop top and throw it on, pairing it with some old worn docs. Finally he adds some black eyeliner, accented with some metallic green and throws on some blush and black lipstick, heavy silver rings, and black hoop earrings before heading down to meet the rest of his friends.
As he walks down the staircase he is met with a stunned silence, Barty and Evan seemed to be salivating and unable to control themselves, whilst Dorcas and Pandora just looked shocked that this version of Regulus even existed.
‘I- oh, wow. Baby Black you are HOT,’ Dorcas manages to stammer out at the same time as Pandora shouts ‘come on Reg, give us a spin’.
Very slowly, Regulus spun around whilst brushing his curls behind his ear and then reaching for a shot of something blue coloured, he didn’t want to show up to the party completely sober after all.
‘Honestly you two, shut your mouths before I have to myself’ he says, whilst rolling his eyes at Barty and Evans gobsmacked faces.
‘Oh yeah, sorry Reg, it’s just… wow.’ Barty stammered.
‘I don’t think we’ve seen you in anything other than formal robes, let alone muggle clothes?’ Evan forced out, cheeks turning a bright shade of red.
By this point Regulus is just bored of all the gawking so he pushes his way through his friends and swiftly leads them towards the Ravenclaw tower.
‘Let's get this party started shall we’.
By the time they reach the Ravenclaw tower Regulus is already feeling slightly tipsy and as he lit his cigarette he can already feel the buzz of the nicotine through his veins. He could see the people around him doing a double take and he could hear the quiet whispers and murmurs that THE Regulus Black was at a Ravenclaw party and that he was in muggle clothes but Regulus just couldn’t bring himself to care. None of this would mean anything in a few months anyways.
So as Regulus danced and laughed and partied he couldn’t quite refuse when Benjy Fenwick approached him with a small bag of white powder and a promise of a good time.
After they leave the bathroom Regulus notices James Potter and his brother have arrived, Sirius clinging tightly to Lupin's hand as they downed their first drinks. He mumbles some excuse to Benjy to give him a minute and then proceeds to saunter up to James Potter ignoring the shocked look on Sirius’ face as he takes in the scars that cover Regulus’ stomach and arms.
Maybe now Sirius will finally realise that he’s not the only one who was ever affected by Orion and Walburga Black.
‘Ah Potter, I see you’ve decided to join the big boys’, he drools as he stares daggers at his brother, honestly he’s insufferable sometimes.
‘Of course Reggie, where else would we be?’ James responds with a mischievous grin lighting up his face.
‘It’s Regulus, Potter. As I've said before, use my name or don’t bother talking to me at all.’
James looks genuinely apologetic at this. ‘Sorry, Regulus,’ he stammers out, ‘so got your eye on anyone here tonight?’ he follows up with a wink.
Now, Regulus could be the bigger person here, he could ignore James’ comment and just have a good night dancing with his friends, but he told himself he was going to get over James Potter, and he honestly doesn't care what the rest of the school thinks of him anymore.
‘Oi, Benjy get your ass over here’ he shouts over the music towards his new friend. Within seconds Benjy is sauntering over with a smug look on his face, he quickly greets James before swiftly turning towards Regulus with a quick what’s up.
‘Potter here was just asking if I had my eye on anyone tonight’ he responds, as he glances over to Potter to make sure he’s watching and sure enough he is.
Great, this is going to work perfectly.
He turns back to Benjy, their faces only centremetes away from each other, he swears he can smell the firewhiskey on his breath from here and it’s intoxicating.
‘I’ve had my eye on someone in this room for quite a while’ he whispers against Benjy’s neck, just loud enough to know that James can hear him too.
He knows what’s coming, but it still takes him by surprise slightly when Benjy's lips collide against his, the shock quickly wears off though and he slowly opens his mouth slightly wider, allowing Benjy's tongue to reach in and explore. They’re snogging now, like proper snogging and neither of them are coming up for air, it’s making Regulus light headed, and then suddenly he’s being pushed up against the wall and Benjy's hands are travelling down and down and down, and Regulus knows he should be concentrating on this moment but he can’t help but look up at James’ face and feel slightly guilty as they make eye contact.
James looks outright furious, and Regulus knows they’re heavy make out session is drawing attention, so with one last smirk towards James as Benjy nips at his collarbone, sucking at his pale skin, he pulls Benjy off of him before dragging the both of them into an abandoned room and allowing their mouths to collide yet again.
——
Regulus isn’t sure what time he stumbles into his dorm but he’s aware that it’s not going to be long until everyone else starts waking up and heading down to breakfast. His top is still hanging half off of his shoulder and his makeup is smudged all over his face so he decides he needs to freshen up and put on some new robes. This turns out to be quite a challenge when the world still seems to be spinning and he still can’t quite string a full sentence together, salazar how much has he drunk?
Once in the bathroom he realises that the best course of action is to wear a turtleneck to cover the dark purple bruises that trail all the way from his lower chest up to his jawline, but at this point he honestly does not care so he picks out one of his low cut t shirts and shoves his Slytherin robes over the top. He looks in the mirror trying to wash off the smudged eyeliner and mascara but he can't bear to look at his reflection for too long, self loathing and hatred dancing around his brain, nestling themselves in every crack and crevice of his mind. He doesn’t deserve this, he doesn’t deserve anything, he doesn’t think he’s ever felt quite so worthless.
He spits his toothpaste out in the sink, ignoring the blood that comes with it from where Benjy savaged his lower lip, and then he stumbles back out into the dorm coming face to face with a very hungover Barty.
‘Jesus Black you look like utter shit’, Barty wines, covering his face with his hands and rubbing his temples to help soothe his headache.
‘Whatyaonabout Crouch?’ Regulus slurs back at him, he’s quite impressed with himself for even being able to produce full sentences in his current state but Evan seems to have woken up now too and seems highly unimpressed with the fact that Reg is, in fact, still drunk.
‘Salazar Reg, how much did you have to drink last night?’ he sighs, ‘look at you you’re still fucking hammered.’
‘Oi Rosier, that’s no way to address the heir of the Noble and Most Ancient house of Black is it?’ Regulus giggles, this whole situation is quite ridiculous to him and he really just wants to go down to breakfast and look at James Potter.
‘Oh shove off Black, let’s just go eat, yeah?’
So that’s how the Slytherin trio found themselves stumbling down to breakfast holding a delirious Regulus as he slurred and laughed the whole way down, unable to walk by himself, and unable to control his own words.
As they stepped into the great hall Regulus instantly saw James glowering at him from behind his breakfast, whilst Benji was sitting smirking and admiring the marks he had made like Regulus was some kind of trophy. If he was sober he would have found the situation slightly amusing but because of his current state he couldn’t quite help the chesty laughs that escaped from his body, leaving Barty and Evan in a state of confusion.
Once they were seated it was only seconds before Regulus chugged a jug of water from the middle of the table before waiting for it to refill to grab at it again.
‘How do you think they get this water? Do you think it comes from the Great Lake? Because surely if it did the Great Lake would dry out and that would be very upsetting. What would happen to the giant squid? But then water can’t just appear from nowhere right?’
He looked around the table for answers but was met with a very confused Dorcas, and a rather concerned Pandora staring back at him.
‘Right??’ Regulus repeated.
Honestly why were they so busy gawking at him when he had such a pressing question surely they must know this is important.
‘I’m not sure Reg, maybe we could ask one of the professors about it?’ Pandora offered.
‘Sirius would know,’ Regulus huffed, but then his eyes lit up with glee as he realised —
‘SIRIUS,’ he yelled, standing up on the table and kicking the water right onto Bartys lap and over his robes.
‘Bloody fantastic, thanks Reg now I have to clean this up.’
But Regulus could hardly hear Barty over his excitement and the way the world seemed to spin around Sirius, whilst he stayed still in the centre, like a constant, his constant.
‘Sirius Black’, Regulus screamed as he waited for Sirius to raise his head and look up at him but he didn't; he just continued staring down into his lap with his fists balled like he was about to punch something. And in Regulus’ drunken state he couldn’t quite comprehend why, so regardless of the amount of pleading from Pandora and Dorcas’ attempts to drag him back down to the seats he continues staring straight at his big brother.
‘Sirius Orion Black, ihaveaveryyyyy important question to ask…’, salazar what was the end to that sentence, oh no he remembers now, how silly of him.
‘Too ask YOU, Sirius, oh brother dearest’ he sings.
And with that Sirius started to raise his head and finally make eye contact with Regulus but before he could respond Regulus felt a strong hand grab him by the back of his neck and drag him from the table.
In his excitement he had completely forgotten other people even existed until he looked up and was met with the unforgiving, grey eyes of Narcissa and Bellatrix Black, and oh shit was he screwed now.
‘Cousin, what on earth do you think you are doing causing a scene in front of the whole school and with Sirius! Of all people, you should know better than to be causing a scene with your blood traitor brother’, Narcissa hissed.
Regulus couldn’t even quite process what was happening so he just stared at his feet and managed to mumble out a ‘I don’t even know what you’re talking about Cissy.’
He was quickly pulled out of his thoughts by Bellatrix's manic laugh, ‘does this mean we get to tell sweet old Burgy just what Regulus has been up to this term’ she sang as she spun around in delight.
‘Maybe she’ll even let us sit in and watch the punishment’ she breathed in excitement.
With that statement a sudden wave of nausea hit Regulus as he promptly threw up all over Narcissa's shoes.
Oh shit he is way too drunk to handle this.
He looks up as Narcissa's face becomes cold and merciless and has to look away, it’s too similar to his mothers for him to feel comfortable. His panic is only further increased by the sound of Slughorn and McGonagall approaching them and as Regulus feels like he’s about to faint he feels a strong hand grab his arm, supporting his shoulders and then swiftly pulling him away from the great hall and into a smaller abandoned classroom.
He can feel someone pushing him down and against a wall, and a bucket being conjured in front of him as he heaves the contents of his stomach up. He’s feeling feverish and everything is spinning, except he’s not sure whether it’s because he’s panicking or because he’s drunk, and his vision is starting to go black as he tries to gulp in air, but nothing seems to be working.
He can hear the stranger in the distance, frantically telling him to breathe but he can’t properly hear anything over the ringing in his head and the pounding in his ears.
Then suddenly someone is grasping at his hands and placing them against their chest as they take big deep breaths. Regulus starts trying to copy this, and it’s hard at first, his thoughts are too loud but he tries to focus and sure enough his breathing is starting to even out and his vision is slowly coming back to him. He can feel hot tears trying to escape down his face but he wills them back not wanting to show anymore vulnerability in front of this stranger but as he goes up to thank them he realises he’s met with hazel eyes. Hazel eyes that burn like the sun, and honey so sweet that it can even turn the most rotten things good.
Sweet salazar, of course it was always going to be James Potter who was there to save him and pick up the pieces.
His face was so full of concern and worry that Regulus almost felt like he was going to drown right then and there in James Potter's love, and oh how he wouldn’t mind drowning in James Potter's arms everyday.
Because if James Potter is the sun then Regulus is icarus, and what terrifies him the most is that he would fall any day if it meant he got to fly close to the sun.
He sits there for a little while longer, relishing in the comfortable silence and the long deep breaths shared between the two of them. He knows realistically he should move, he should get as far away from James Potter as possible and never look back. But just like with his brother, Regulus is weak and he doesn’t think he will ever be able to willingly walk away from James Potter again.
‘Thank you, Jamie’ he whispers, so quietly that he wouldn’t have even known James had ever heard him if he wasn’t for the hitch in his breathing and the slight tremor that travels through his body.
‘It’s okay love, just breathe with me, it’s okay, you’re going to be okay’.
James’ voice is soothing and reminds him a little of Sirius. So as Regulus lies there being held by James Potter, a small part of him hopes that maybe, just maybe, he is deserving of love.