snuffles
Regulus has managed to avoid James for a whole week even though he seems to be popping up everywhere he goes, like he somehow knows where Regulus is at all times.
Either way Regulus has always been good at disappearing into the shadows and making himself invisible, so between this and the fact that he has been going straight from class back to his dorms and nowhere in between it’s not been too impossible to ignore James Potter.
He knows he told himself he would never walk away from James again but he’s just so embarrassed by his behaviour the previous week. The public drunkenness he displayed and the resultant detentions doesn’t even bother him that much, it was actually quite thrilling and he’s definitely going to be doing it again.
No. Regulus isn’t embarrassed by that, however he is mortified that he had a very real breakdown which resulted in him clinging to James’ robes and calling him Jamie.
Oh salazar, Regulus thinks he’s more likely to die from embarrassment than anything else at this point.
Ever since the Ravenclaw party he has found himself reaching for a bottle of firewhiskey almost daily. He’s just been feeling so empty and numb, and the familiar feel of warmth in his stomach has been the only thing warming up his twisted, rotten insides, allowing him to briefly escape from reality.
He knows he had become his mothers puppet over the last few years, and he’s accepted that he doesn’t recognise himself anymore but every time he’s caught himself in the mirror recently it feels like he’s staring at a ghost.
His eyes have become sunken, the light in them having dimmed, his cheekbones seem to be more prominent than ever, sharply jutting through his pale white skin and his untamed curls hang limply around his face. He knows that everyone who he considers friends can survive without him, even Pandora, so isolating himself from everybody makes sense.
Most of the time nowadays he feels like someone has shoved their hand down his throat and is scratching and pulling at his organs and his skin. He’s living in a constant state of desperation, trying to quieten the silent agony which is slowly creeping through his body, consuming him and tearing him apart piece by piece.
So it’s in the darkness and stillness of the night that Regulus starts to seek out Benjy.
It’s become a regular occurrence to sneak out of their dorms and meet in a secluded classroom in an abandoned corridor on the seventh floor.
Together, they’ll crush up small white pills and lose themselves to a fictional world that only they can exist in. They’ll spend these hours of the early morning with hushed whispers and desperate kisses, exploring each other’s bodies, using each other as a distraction from the screaming in their heads.
Regulus knows he’s making a mistake when he looks up at Benjy’s face and only sees James Potter, he knows he’s making a mistake when he feels the familiar dread as Benjy's hands grasp and pull at his skin but he never tells Benjy to stop. He knows it’s wrong but in these moments he feels like he’s actually of use to somebody, that he actually is able to do something to help somebody else. So as much as the wandering hands and split lips pain him, Regulus will never deny Benjy of his body, even when he feels his brain switch off and he’s looking down at himself with only disgust and self loathing.
At least, in a twisted way, he is not being used just because of his family name for once.
Saturday morning breakfasts are normally a bit more relaxed than in the week so Regulus works out he can probably sneak down around 9, show his face and then go back to bed. He’s not got much of an appetite anymore but with just over 50 days left to live he feels like he should try to make the most out of the little things now it seems a bit pointless to spend them asleep.
Plus he needs to see Benjy to ask for more of the powdered muggle stuff.
He’s still not quite sure what it is that he's taking but he just knows that it feels so much better than alcohol, the only thing is that he is slowly becoming more and more dependent on it. He hasn’t had any in over 24 hours and he's noticing his hands are shaky and he feels sweaty and gross. But oh well, at least he's spending his time on something his parents will most definitely be disappointed in.
He quickly scoffs down a few rashes of bacon and hurries out of the Great Hall leaving a note with Benjy to meet him in one of the old music rooms in 10 minutes. He knows it's probably not ethical trading sex for drugs but it's the best he's got and he'll do anything for Benjy. He glances a look over at Potter who is staring at him, concern written all over his face but Regulus just subtly shakes his head at him.
Not now. Not yet.
He takes a detour to the music room and by the time he gets there Benjy is already there, all hungry eyes and sharp teeth, eyes looking him up and down like a predator approaching their prey.
Regulus smiles, and then lets out a small whimper the moment Benjy’s lips meet his, he really would rather be reading but he needs those drugs, so he lets Benjy push him up against the old creaky table, casts a silencing charm, and submits.
—
‘You’re always a good sport Reggie, always so good to me’, Benjy whispers as he does up his trousers, this is the bit Regulus likes the most, the reward.
‘I’ve only got a gram for you this week but since you were such a good boy for me you can try one of the new tabs i got, just hold it under your tongue and let it dissolve and you’ll be in for a good time’
Perfect.
‘Thanks Benjy, i’ll see you soon?’
And with that Regulus slinks out of the room and heads towards the Slytherin dorms.
He liked Saturdays, he could curl up by the window and watch the animals swimming while reading a good book so that's where he found himself for most of the afternoon. He knew there was a quidditch match on but he couldn’t find any energy to continue being a part of the team. Plus he only ever really took part to try and win his mothers approval anyways.
Slowly as the afternoon drags on his thoughts start to stray away from his book and onto the banned topic. Sirius. He doesn't like to think about Sirius much anymore, not after the letter. He knows he's going to have to make his peace with the situation but the idea of dying before he can earn Sirius’ forgiveness shakes him to his very core. The minute he starts thinking about it, he can't breathe and the walls are closing in on him so he quickly stands up, excusing himself to Barty and stumbles up to the astronomy tower in a state of blind panic.
Being up in the astronomy tower is calming, especially at the end of October. If he looks closely he can see a stream of people heading back towards the castle from the quidditch pitch, James included. It’s puzzling to him sometimes how small people are, like ants wandering around their business, easily forgotten.
Forgotten.
A long keening sound leaves his mouth as he folds in on himself. He’s pretty much accepted that he's going to die but he's still not quite made peace with the fact that he's going to die so young, so forgettable.
So he lays there crying and crying, staring at the darkening sky until he decides he needs to go away for a bit and pulls out the small bag of drugs, however as he goes to open it a low growl sounds from behind him and he jumps around in shock.
The last thing Regulus expects to see is a large, shabby black dog baring his teeth and growling at the bag in his hand so he quickly shoves it back in his pocket. Maybe the dogs a drug addict too, thats a funny thought.
Slowly, Regulus lets out a loud sigh and settles down again except this time the dog walks up to him and settles down next to him, cautiously settling his head on Regulus’ knee.
‘What’s your name sweetheart?’ Reg whispers, not wanting to frighten the beast.
‘Fluffy?’ Hmm definitely not.
‘Shaggy?’
The dog just stares at him looking unimpressed and slightly offended.
‘Snuffles?’
This causes the dog to snort, almost human like, staring into Regulus’ eyes and then leaning down again.
‘Okay snuffles, where are you from baby?’ he whispers into the dogs fur,
‘Are you lost?’
Snuffles shakes his head and gets up to lick away one of Regulus’ stray tears, letting out a low whine.
‘Oh I'm okay, don't worry about me sweetheart, I'm just being silly over my silly brother..’
At that Snuffles startles as Regulus lets out a small huff,
‘Fine, i’ll tell you if you want’ he says as Snuffles settles back down curling around him, an invitation…
‘It’s really silly but when I was younger me and my brother were best friends, we were each other’s whole universe and the only reason we stayed sane in that house but when I was 10 Sirius came to this school and left me behind, he sent me letters but they were all about James Potter. I don't think he asked about me even once..’
His breath hitches, he knows this is the part where the story starts to go separate ways and Snuffles is staring at him with piercing grey eyes that look slightly like they’re crying.
‘Anyways, after that everything went downhill. Sirius and I had very different ways of surviving… he was always loud, angry, rebellious whilst I was quieter, I followed what they said and stayed in line. I… I- You have to understand I never believed in their blood supremacy or abuse I just did what I had to do to survive and Sirius can never know that. This whole plan depends on him hating me, no despising me and-‘
He stops speaking then as Snuffles jumps up and starts barking hysterically, Regulus isn’t even quite sure what’s happening but he's clinging on to his coat and trying to breathe and soon Snuffles joins in, so human like.
He takes a big breath and starts to carry on, ‘anyways, im doomed. i'll follow their blood supremacy but i will never swear my life away to the dark lord so all I need to do is fuck up the family well enough and then be on my way. Not so hard is it, Snuffles?’ he chokes out, affectionately tickling his ears.
‘I’d best be on my way, but thanks for listening and you make sure you find your owner, okay?’
He rises up and starts to walk down the stairs, looking back briefly to be met with such sad grey eyes which are so strikingly similar to Sirius’ that his heart pangs by even looking at them.