even if it kills him
By the time breakfast comes around Regulus is feeling a bit more put together, he knows it wouldn’t take a lot to undo all the hard work he had put into making himself look presentable but he has a reputation to uphold after all. The dread that his mother would find out about his little breakdown in class has slowly faded into acceptance, he was never going to be enough for Walburga Black after all. But as he sits eating his breakfast and watching with amusement as Barty and Evan fight over who gets the last fried egg he can’t help but notice the slight shake to his hands as the morning post starts to arrive.
Sure enough the Black family owl arrives with an official looking letter, sealed with the crest and all but Regulus just ignores it, his mother can wait, Sirius will always be more important. So he takes a deep breath and raises his head looking over to his brother and his idiot friends. He notices Potter is already staring at him but quickly turns red when he realises he’s been caught, Regulus hates James Potter so mentally scolds himself for the slight upturn to his lips when he makes eye contact.
Why was James Potter looking at him anyway?
Either way he turns his head to the left as his eyes find their target.
Sirius.
He seems to have received the letter and is in turn searching for Regulus. The second their eyes reach each other Regulus swears he can feel their air turn cold, vibrating with nervous energy and rogue magic the exact opposite of how it felt to make eye contact with James Potter.
Yeah he’ll unpack that one later.
Sirius pockets the letter and then quickly turns back to his conversation with Lupin pretending like he never even saw Regulus at all and Regulus isn’t stupid, he knows that Sirius will probably forget about that letter within five minutes.
But still he hopes.
It’s Friday now. It’s been four days since Sirius received his letter and Regulus is beginning to realise that maybe he will never read it.
He’s currently sitting on his bed reading Hogwarts, a History for what feels like the hundredth time but he doesn’t really mind he just needs something to occupy his mind. A distraction arrives quickly though in the form of his friends throwing themselves into the dorm trying to recite Bohemian Rhapsody from the beginning to end, who knows how Dorcas even managed to get into the boys dorms but he’s forever grateful because this is just the kind of evening he needed.
Within an hour Regulus is two bottles of fire whiskey and a spliff down and he’s starting to feel the warmth in his stomach and the static in his head. They all walk out to the Slytherin common room together, clinging to each other in a futile attempt to not go stumbling down the stairs, but sure enough once they get down there it doesn’t matter anyways. There’s a record player in the middle of the room and Slytherins surrounding it, dancing, singing, drinking. Regulus can spot some Ravenclaws too, even though he thinks he’s already too far gone to be making reliable observations. He considers stepping out to get some fresh air and in the process having another spliff or maybe just a fag but before he can move to grab his stuff he feels Barty grabbing his arm and pulling him into the dancing.
So that’s how he finds himself with bottle after bottle of firewhiskey being thrown at him as he dances until his feet hurt, singing and screaming whilst Barty whirls around like nobody else in the world exists and damn does it feel good. Maybe it’s the weed, maybe it’s the alcohol but with all this dancing and the breeze on his hot skin, and the laughs that are leaving his mouth, Regulus feels free for the first time in years.
Regulus awakes to a groan and a thump beside him, and as he starts to move he notices the aching of his back and the pounding in his head. He starts to open his eyes, but the light feels like daggers. He really needs some water. As he pushes himself up he stumbles over something on the floor and lands on a sofa. Confused, he forces his eyes open and realises this is not his dorm.
Oh. He’s fallen asleep in the common room and the ‘something’ on the floor is Evan.
He stumbles back up the stairs and grabs a hangover potion, pulling off the lid and chugging it like his life depends on it. Slowly after a few minutes the pounding in his head starts to lessen and he doesn’t feel quite as nauseous, so he starts to pull off his robes to get ready for the day, however halfway through his hand hits something that feels like a letter. A wave of panic takes over him as he scrambles to rip open the seal, how did he manage to forget his mothers letter?
He closes the curtains around his bed and with trembling hands he starts to read.
Regulus Arcturus Black,
Did you really think we would not find out about your little sob story that took place during Defence Against the Dark Arts? I thought that you were a GOOD child who followed the family but you have done nothing but prove time and time again that you are no better than your traitorous brother. We had warned you that with your actions come consequences and we were going to wait until your 17th birthday to mark you but your actions show that you need to be shown your place in our society.
Bellatrix has become a loyal supporter to our Dark Lord and we expect nothing less than this from you, that is why the Dark Lord shall be paying us a visit over Christmas and you will kneel before him and accept the mark, you have no other choice.
Regulus, I am so disappointed in you. Continue to achieve O’s in all your subjects and do not make any more scenes amongst your peers. This behaviour is completely unacceptable and will be met with more consequences not just to you but your brother. Just because he is with the Potters does not mean he is unreachable.
Yours Sincerely,
Walburga Black
Regulus feels sick. No, he’s actually going to be sick. He scrambles to the bathroom just in time as he feels bile reaching up through his throat, his whole body shaking as it violently heaves over and over again.
Somewhere in the distance he can hear Barty taunting him, laughing about how it was his own fault he’s so hungover, but Regulus can’t even feel the effects of the hangover anymore. He rests his head against the cool of the toilet and slowly tries to start breathing evenly to calm his racing pulse and the sound of blood rushing through his ears.
His mother. Disappointment. Dark Lord. The mark. Christmas. Sirius.
His thoughts are spiralling, they feel like a hand reaching up to his throat, they grab him by the neck, forcing any air left in his body out, strangling him, as he collapses into a shaky pile on the floor, if only his mother could see how pathetic he was now.
‘Please stop, please help’ he whines to no one but himself.
He starts going over a checklist in his brain, Sirius is safe, the Blacks are powerful no doubt but so are the Potters and no one even knows the location of the Potter's house, so inevitably Sirius is safe. That also means the only person who will be affected by Regulus’ inability to act as a proper heir is himself, his parents reputation may be affected but the only life that will be lost would be Regulus’ own and Regulus has been at peace with the knowledge of him not surviving ever since he wrote that last letter to Sirius.
So it is here in this bathroom that Regulus finally looks in the mirror for the first time and gasps at the reflection looking back at him.
It is in this moment that Regulus realises he has no idea what kind of monster he has become, what kind of monster his parents have turned him into, to the point where he no longer recognises a single thing about himself.
In the dull light of the bathroom and the coolness of the tiles on his cheek Regulus realises he will never, ever take the dark mark, which means he’s consequently going to die.
It is here, hungover and desperate to run, that Regulus decides if he is going to die he is going to take not only his own reputation, but also the reputation of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black down with him.
It is at this exact moment that Regulus Black decides to become his parents' worst nightmare.
Even if it kills him.