fairytales
Regulus would say he’s been coping relatively well all things considered. It’s been a month since he spoke to his brother and then consequently came to the conclusion that he is and will always be alone. But Barty and Evan don’t seem to suspect anything is wrong, his grades are still consistent, all he needs to do is put out some feelers with other purebloods in society and hopefully his mother will be satisfied with his performance this term.
But even with all of this, Regulus just feels uneasy… like somethings about to go wrong and he can’t quite work out what, he kind of feels like he’s forgotten something important but can’t remember what.
So here he is sat next to Pandora listening to the Professor droning on about how their next exam in Defence Against the Dark Arts will be practical and how they should prepare accordingly. If he’s honest he doesn’t really pay much attention to this class, growing up in the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black you learn most of this before you’re even 9 years old and he has a reputation to uphold.
He’s sending childish drawings that are quite beneath him back and forth with Pandora but because it’s Pandora he lets himself have this one small thing, and as he’s tries to brush a stray curl from in front of his face the last thing he expects are the next words that come out of the Professor’s mouth. Words that cause him to flinch like he has just been stabbed and then proceed to have to stitch himself back together. His hands are sweaty and he digs his nails further into his palms, creating crescent shaped marks to try to pull himself back to the present. Pandoras looking at him with a face of pure horror and terror whilst the same words are flying around his brain, penetrating the walls he built to lock all his memories and emotions away.
‘Today we’re going to learn about unforgivable curses.’
Shit.
Regulus isn’t quite sure when he stopped breathing, but Pandora's gentle reminders bring him back to life.
In and out, in and out, in and out he reminds himself.
No one seems to have noticed the start of his meltdown except Pandora, and Regulus doesn’t think he’s ever felt quite so relieved to be sat at the back of a class. He uncrosses his legs, and then crosses them again, and then uncrosses them, he can’t seem to get comfortable. He feels so pathetic as he uses his shaking hands to pull down his sleeves and starts to curl in on himself. Why is he such a failure? He can’t even sit through a simple class without having to make a scene, he really needs to get a grip on his emotions before someone notices and his mother finds out.
He feels someone reaching out to him, slowly but cautiously, he can’t hear anything over the buzzing in his ears, not even the Professor droning on about the imperious curse but he can sense Pandora’s comforting presence, her smooth unscarred hand reaching out to touch his broken, rotting skin. He doesn’t deserve her, he’s going to ruin her. So he straightens his back, puts on his best smile and whispers ' I'm okay Panda, don’t worry about me’ pretending his voice didn’t crack at the end, or that he has noticeable tremors running through his whole body.
He needs to prove he’s okay, so slowly, very slowly he starts to tune back into the class. The Professor is at the end of his speech about the imperious curse and Regulus knows what that means is coming next. He braces himself and as the next words are spoken they seem to echo around the room, making their way through Regulus’ body, filling him up, suffocating him, drowning him. They ring, all he can hear is ‘crucio, crucio, crucio’ but he reminds himself it’s not real, it’s in his head, it’s all in his head. But as he looks up and makes eye contact with the Professor to assure himself there’s no threat he sees their wand pointed at something moving on the floor next to him.
For a moment, time seems to freeze. He feels like a block of ice hit him and he cant move he can’t breathe and then,
‘Crucio’.
Regulus dives, he dives under his desk like his life depends on it. Because it does. He can hear his mothers voice, her sharp fingernails breaking his skin, her hands yanking on his hair. One slash, two slash, three… He can feel her presence and her pain everywhere so he runs.
He does the one thing he’s been stopping himself from doing this whole time, the only other thing he can think of.
He runs.
He's not really sure what’s happening, one minute he’s in the stuffy classroom the next minute his feet are slamming along the floor as he tries to breathe but there isn’t enough air, there will never be enough air. Then suddenly he’s in his dorm, and then he’s under his bed and he’s curled up crying out for Sirius. He needs Sirius, he knows he sounds delusional as he gasps and pleads and begs for Sirius, but he can’t do anything other than scream for his big brother.
He swears it feels like there’s a thousand hands on him.
Wait no maybe there are hands on him? He’s honestly not sure at this point.
Then he’s being lifted by Barty, and Evan and Pandora are there and they’re stroking his hair and telling him he’s okay, you’re alive, you’re okay and Regulus tries to believe it he really does but he knows it’s not true.
He knows then that if he doesn’t run away he’s not going to make it out of this alive.
So he rests his head on Barty’s lap, grabs onto Pandora's hand and listens to Evans' soothing voice as he lets himself be lulled into sleep.
When Regulus wakes up he knows it’s been a few hours, but he has no clue what the time is. A quick look out the window suggests early evening which means he’s been asleep for about… five hours? Oh. The events of the day start to hit him, Defense Against the Dark Arts, crucio, breakdown, bed, crying until he fell asleep.
Great, just what he needs.
Slowly, Regulus sits up and looks around, he can see Pandora fussing around with some kind of potion but he doesn’t think she’s realised he’s awake so he lets out a small cough.
Instantly she turns around and comes running over, wrapping him up in a hug and refusing to let go.
‘Oh salazar, Regulus I was so worried thank merlin you’re awake’ she starts saying as she pulls back, rambling, a frantic look in her eye that makes Regulus only hate himself more, but apparently now she’s started talking she isn’t going to stop.
‘I honestly don’t know WHAT the Professor thought he was doing but he was instantly reported to Professor Dumbledore i mean what an idiot honestly, McGonagall had to come sort it out because half the class broke down and that man should be in Azkaban for performing an unforgivable and-‘
Regulus took a deep breath, and looked her straight in the eyes, forcing her to look at him and stop speaking. Even when he’s sat on a bed, post-breakdown, he’s every bit commanding as a Black should be, he really is turning into his parents isn’t he?
‘I’m okay, Panda, I promise, you can stop worrying about me now,’ he assured her.
But that only seemed to agitate her further,
‘Oh, yes’ she snaps, ‘you’re okay, just like you said two minutes before you proceeded to run from the classroom screaming.’
Regulus had honestly never felt more ashamed, ‘I really thought I could handle it Dora, I'm sorry’.
Suddenly he was pulled into yet another hug as her long soft fingers plaited and played with his curly dark hair, ‘I know, Reg’ she whispered, ‘I just care about you and I wish you would talk to me about how bad it gets, you’re my best friend and I love you’
And with that Regulus felt all of his willpower shatter as one tear fell, then another, and they wouldn’t stop as he clung to Pandora like a lifeline, the only thing helping him keep a hold on reality as his mind slipped away into memories of the past.
When Regulus awoke again it was much later this time. The moon was high in the sky and he wondered if his brother was out with Lupin in the forbidden forest. He knows Lupin being a werewolf is meant to be some big secret but Regulus quite honestly worked it out by his second year, once you notice the signs it’s quite obvious and honestly his name is Remus Lupin, what did anyone expect?
Either way the thought of Sirius stirs something inside of him, he knows now that if he doesn’t get out he’s not going to make it and that Sirius is his last chance so he sits down and brings one trembling hand down to some parchment and another to a quill. Then, he starts writing.
Dear Sirius,
I know you will not be expecting to be receiving a letter from me and will presume that it is my parents manipulating me to hurt you, but I promise this letter is from me. I have no intentions to harm you and am simply writing to let you know the situation I find myself in.
I stayed in that house because I thought it was the best decision for the both of us, and that I could repay you for years of protection by protecting you from inside for just once in my life. I knew that this decision would come with you hating me and I had accepted that but I never took into account just how much I would miss my big brother.
I know you are not very likely to have read this far, or read this at all but if you have I am asking for you to please help me, I thought I could carry the burden for the both of us but I am so utterly alone and if I don’t escape that house I fear that I will not make it to my 18th birthday.
You do not owe me anything, mon frère, I just ask for you to hear me out. If you do not respond to this I will respect your decision and this will be my last communication with you.
Je t'aime Sirius.
R.A.B
It’s around 2am by the time Regulus creeps up to the owlery, attaching the letter to an owl he is unfamiliar with. He knows deep down that Sirius won’t even bother to read the letter but still some small childish part of him prays that Sirius will appear the next morning like a shining knight in armour and whisk him away to safety like some kind of childhood fairytale.
Regulus never did believe in fairytales.