chapter 24 - feel something
cause all of your lovers
eventually fade
and leave you alone
in the bed you've made
corvus does not go to evan's manor for the summer. sure, she makes a detour there from the platform, but as soon as they apparate into the main room, her mother and father are standing there waiting to floo her back to grimmauld.
she feels her nerves bubbling up like acid. ready to overflow any minute.
walburga and orion immediately send her to her room, saying that they need to have a private discussion, as if they haven't had all year to do that.
she feels her breath leave her the second she sets foot into her room. it hasn't changed at all. her things are still scattered around the floor from when she haphazardly packed her bag last summer.
her desk drawer is thrown open, the entire contents thrown onto the floor, reminding her of the last thing she had grabbed before she made her hasty exit.
she subconsciously reaches her hand into her pants pocket, grabbing hold of the small black box resting in it. that has been resting in the pockets of everything she's worn for the past year.
she lets out a sigh, sitting on her bed as she hears kreature come in with her trunk.
“mistress black requests that you bring your luggage back down when she is ready for you so that she can search it.” kreature informs, and corvus feels her heart sink.
“alright. thanks kreature.” she breathes, sinking into her bed.
“you are most welcome mistress black. it is an honor to have you back.” kreature bows and corvus nods his way before he disappears out the door.
“ughhhh.” she breathes into her pillow, scrubbing at her face with her hands.
all that time spent with james potter and her brothers, becoming good, becoming soft, all for nothing.
~~~
“do you pledge your allegiance to me, the dark lord, and the death eaters’ cause, for the rest of your life, corvus black?”
corvus swallows down the bile rising in her throat, coating her face in the mask that she hasn't had to use in longer than she's used to.
she coughs down the objections, the arguments. blinks back the tears. and chokes out.
“yes, my lord.”
~~~
what's even worse about spending the summer at grimmauld is that walburga has completely isolated corvus.
she doesn't allow her to see even barty and evan. says that they'll ‘poison her mind’.
she spends most of her time in her room alone. between sessions of practicing hexes and curses on unsuspecting farm animals that she doesn't want to know how her mother acquired.
bellatrix is around a lot. so is narcissa. which then extends to radolphus and lucius, who corvus has a bitter hatred for.
she's reading a muggle poetry book that james got her when narcissa walks in.
she cast a disillusionment charm on a variety of items in her trunk so as to hide the basically bold lettering spelling “james potter” and “sirius black” on them before her mother searched it.
narcissa waves her wand without saying anything. corvus assumes it's a silencing charm. secrecy is a normalcy in grimmauld.
“hey, cor.” her cousin greets, smiling weakly at her.
“hey.” she glances from her book to narcissa, captured by the words.
‘and, if god choose, i shall but love thee better after death’
i'm already good as dead. she thinks. i'm already yours.
narcissa lets out a heavy breath, and corvus finally shuts the book, looking up at her.
“what's up?” she asks, voice tight.
narcissa sighs, all the energy seemingly seeping out of her in one swoop.
and then, quite unexpectedly, she leans into corvus, wrapping her arms around her in a hug she's not sure she's ever gotten from narcissa.
“i'm so sorry.” she whispers into her hair, hands clutching her jumper. “i'm so sorry this is happening to you, corvus.”
corvus falls into her, feeling natural, even if this is the most unnatural thing she thinks they could be doing at the moment.
“me too.” corvus breathes, barely a whisper, and she knows that narcissa didn't hear her.
she's not even entirely sure she said it aloud in the first place
~~~
james has been sending her letters all summer. well, not technically her. they go to evan's house, and evan intercept them, sending his own owl straight to corvus’ room so that she can read them herself.
she never answers. she has to burn them after reading anyway, just so there's no evidence she has anything to do with james potter in case her mother goes snooping. she thinks she could recite every one of them by heart regardless.
the days are getting longer and even less bearable.
they are slowly progressing from everyday hexes and jinxes to darker magic. not quite dark enough to be an unforgivable, but definitely prohibited to minors.
it's for regulus. she reminds herself. if it's not you, it'll be him. or sirius. it can't be them. it can't
~~~
they're only midway through the summer when the first death eater meeting comes up.
corvus isn't required to speak up. she's actually urged against it. she just needs to sit there and look dead inside.
not a very hard task.
she still hasn't been able to see evan or barty.
she feels exhausted. at the meeting and in general. tiredness is just something corvus has gotten used to.
she doesn't know how much longer she can take this. she thinks she might be okay if she just dropped dead right here, in the middle of the meeting.
at least then someone would look at her and not through her.
it's like she's a ghost in her own home. a phantom of her own goddamn mind.
~~~
she thinks about james. a lot. truth is, she's always thinking about james.
about his reaction when she told him she was going to evan's for the summer. the fear on his face. the break in his voice when he begged her not to go.
she wonders what he would think if he knew where she really was.
he'd probably march over himself and drag her out. she can't imagine he'll be happy with her when he finds out.
because he does have to find out.
because this is the out corvus has been looking for.
this is how she can repair the things she broke in trying to get something for herself for once.
this is how she can make james potter stop loving her, whether he wants to or not.
thank you walburga black.