one point perspective

the creature lunged

i turned and ran

to save a life

i didn't have

“cor.” james breathes, sounding like he hasn't all summer. “can i?”

he's holding his arms out, reaching for a hug and corvus knows she shouldn't. knows what's coming. but still, she nods her head anyway, prolonging the inevitable.

james sighs, immediately pulling corvus into a hug. his grip is tight. he's fisting his hands into the material of her school robes that she hasn't taken off yet. 

his head rests in his shoulder, nosing at the fabric. she closed her eyes, breathing deeply, savoring this. 

she has to force herself to break away from him, every inch of her body screaming otherwise. she braces herself, trying to think of some way she can say it all.

“i missed you so much. i was so worried. i-” james speaks before she can and she feels her entire stomach drop out at his words, trying desperately to place the mask over her features.

“this is over.” she says coldly, trying not to flinch on the way out. 

she watches as james’ face instantly falls, the smile draining from his face as he runs his hand through his hair.

“this, it- it's done. i can't do this anymore.” corvus continues before he can say anything, praying to whatever god she's not sure she really believes in that he doesn't see that she doesn't mean it.

“i- what?” james says, always utterly oblivious.

“i thought i made it fairly clear.” she reiterates, crossing her arms over her chest and fighting back the objections crawling their way up her throat.

1. stop. please. let me have him. please just let me have him.

“i don't understand.” james whispers, eyes full of tears.

there's no fight in his voice. just confusion. it's different than it has been. almost like he knows it was bound to happen after all.

“maybe this will help you.” corvus says, ignoring her limbs begging to stay put and pulling up the sleeve of her robes, revealing the black ink etched into the skin of her left forearm. 

she fights back the grimace on her face from just looking at it herself. she tries her best most days to forget that it's there.

james lets out a deep exhale, the look on his face clear that he has no fight left in him, tears falling down his cheeks.

“was there anything i could have done?” he asks, refusing to make eye contact.

corvus’ heart clenches, tears filling her eyes despite her best efforts to keep them at bay.

she shakes her head, because it's probably true. no matter what, walburga and orion black were always going to want an heir. no matter what, she was never going to let it be her brothers. 

“right.” james breathes, wiping his face, shrugging. “well.”

“i warned you.” tears threatening to spill from her gray eyes.

“i should've listened.” face sad and voice a hollow shadow of what it always is.

“i wish we had left ‘us’ a ‘what if’.” james chokes, a sob wracking through his body as he glares at the mark on corvus’ arm.

“don't say that.” corvus whispers under her breath, rolling her sleeve back down.

“you got what you wanted, didn't you? this ended, right? you've wanted that from the start. you told me that from the start.” 

corvus just shrugs, having no words that are adequate to everything that she is feeling right now. 

“did you ever really love me?” james yells. “was any of it ever really real.” 

“all of it. it was all real james.” corvus replies truthfully, before she can think the better of it. “your love was my best tasting poison.”

james scoffs, biting his lip as he furiously wipes away tears.

“i was never really yours at all, was i? not fully. but you were always mine. always, corvus.” 

“i'm sorry.” she mutters, her voice sounding unlike any time she's ever heard it before.

“yeah. i'm sure you are.” james snaps.

and then there is suddenly a profound quiet in the air around them. so quiet that the noise fills itself in corvus' ears. fills itself with screaming. crying. silent pleading and begging. 

don't let this be the last time. don't let this be when he starts to hate me. i know i said i needed him to, but i change my mind. i don't want him to hate me. please. please don't let this be the end. 

but after all, it is silent. none of that is said aloud, so none of it is heard. the only audible thing is quiet footsteps and sniffles, and then the slam of the door behind james' back. 

and only then, the room begins to fill with noise.

corvus collapses to the floor, holding her hand over her mouth as she sobs. 

she scratches at her arms. scratches at the mark. hoping, praying, that maybe with enough scratching, it'll peel right off.

but it doesn't. it's still there. a dark black with lines of vibrant red etched over it. 

“i- i- i can't. i can't-” she chokes out. 

nobody is in the room. nobody other than her. she's not talking to anybody. nobody is there to hear her pleads. nobody is there to save her. not anymore.

and maybe it is for the best. maybe they were never meant to last. maybe this world wasn't built for the infinite love of james potter and corvus black. 

but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. if anything, it just makes it all the more painful. 

living up to her namesake, the world turned back to the blackness it had always been before james potter showed her the light. 

~~~

they're ignoring each other in the hallways. their eyes dart to the floor every time they pass each other

it's like suddenly, they're back to being eleven years old again. ignoring each other's existence out of fear of what the other would do to them.

corvus isn't sleeping. she's screaming herself awake every time she tries. she's given it up at this point, opting for staying up and fighting back tears instead.

she reads the poetry book that james got her. she reads it over and over. looking for him in every line. every stanza. 

she reads the line by some dead muggle guy named shakespeare that says, ‘farewell, thou art too dear for my possessing’, and she cries.

she reads another by an a.e. housman that reads, ‘i shook his hand, and tore my heart in sunder, and went with half my life without my ways’, and she sets the book down for a moment.

and the one that makes her throw the book across the room, watching as it lands on its opened pages, crinkled, is w.h. auden’s line of, ‘the stars are not wanted now; put out every one, pack up the moon and dismantle the sun, pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood; for nothing now can ever come to any good”.

evan holds her one night while she's crying. she's lying in his bed, unable to sleep, unable to breath, move. 

he's counting for her. in for four, out for four. 

“i was happy for a little while.” she chokes out between sobs, as if that'll make this any better.

evan sighs softly, running his hands through her hair.

“darling.” he whispers, pressing a kiss to her forehead, and she cries even harder. “but was it worth this? was it worth this hurt?” 

“yes.” she says, without a second of hesitation. “every bit of it. i'd relive every moment of all the pain and all the misery just to be loved by james potter a little longer.”

“sweetheart.” evan coos, softening out her hair as he holds her closer to him. 

no one's ever seen her like this before. not dorcas. not pandora. not even regulus. 

but evan is. she doesn't know why she lets him. maybe it's he's just the easiest person to feel vulnerable around. maybe it's because he's the only one who knew about james and corvus in the first place.

she wonders if james has told sirius. wonders if he was surprised. or if he saw it coming all along. if he knew just how rotten corvus really always was. 

as much as she didn't have faith that it would, she wanted this to work more than anything. she never let go of that small sliver of hope. the hope that maybe james would see. maybe james would save her. 

maybe she never wanted to be. maybe her mother was right all along. maybe that's why she jumped at the chance to go back to grimmauld. maybe this was her home all along.

it's pathetic really, how much she really hopes it's somehow still him and her in the end. 

“i don't know how to do this, evan. i don't- i can't-”

“you survive.” he says, like it comes naturally. “you fight like hell and you survive. that's how you do this.”

“what if i don't want to survive anymore?” corvus whispers under her breath, her tears halting. 

evan goes stiff for a moment, before he eventually pulls her impossibly closer, her face buried in his clothed chest as his shoulders shake.

“then you do it for me.” he says, voice stern. “for us. because we need you, cor. we can't do this without you. i can't do this without you.”

corvus falls asleep that night clutched in evan's arms, for once in her life, not fighting the unconscious touch. 

she's too tired to.