chapter 23 - idfc
tell me pretty lies
look me in the face
tell me that you love me
even though it's fucking fake
i don't fucking care at all
“barty needs to man up and suck my cock already.”
“evan. breakfast.” corvus cringes, pointing at her plate of food as she drops her fork, appetite suddenly erased from existence.
“oh, calm down.” evan rolls his eyes, planting himself next to corvus at the table. “seriously though. you need to tell him to get his shit together. every time i look at him i want to shag him. it's becoming a problem.”
evan places his head on his hand, looking up whimsically at the ceiling.
“it was definitely already a problem in first year when the first thing you said to me after meeting him was ‘he has a glorious arse.” corvus informs, turning her attention to evan’s tie, which desperately needs readjusting. “i still get nightmares.”
“hey, you cannot tell me i'm wrong.” evan argues, trying to swat corvus’ working hands away from the collar of his shirt. “the things i would do to that man.”
“evan. breakfast.” pandora scolds, sitting down on the boy’s other side.
corvus laughs, finishing off evan’s tie just in time for barty to come into the hall and mess it up for her, winking as he sits down beside her.
“i hate you.” the girl sighs, placing her head in her hands and resting her elbows on the table.
“bullshite.” barty says, throwing his arm around corvus before she shoves it off of her.
~~~
february goes by slow.
evan and barty have warmed up, loosening up the most corvus has seen since they got the mark.
they're talking again. joking. laughing.
it's nice. to have them back again.
~~~
james potter's birthday is always a production. every single year.
the entire gryffindor table, and most of hufflepuff and ravenclaw, scream sing happy birthday at breakfast.
it almost always takes at least ten minutes for dumbledore to get everyone calmed down enough to continue eating.
every year up until this one, corvus has rolled her eyes and scowled along with regulus and the rest of the slytherins.
this year is no different. on the outside, everyone else sees dirty looks and annoyance. on the inside, corvus has a smile on her face, the lyrics to happy birthday coming out alongside everyone else.
maybe someday i'll be one of them. she thinks to herself. maybe someday i'll be able to wish him a happy birthday to the whole world.
then there's the second round of singing at lunch, even more rowdy than the first. ties flying in the air and sirius dancing on the tables.
and of course, the final round at dinner, where the professors all give up any hope of calming down the crowds and just letting the chaos ensue.
and this year, the early hours of the morning cabin meetup between james and corvus black.
she's been waiting for this all day. waiting for all of the prying eyes to turn away so she can finally have james potter to herself.
“best birthday gift ever.” james is clearly not sober, corvus can only assume due to the gryffindor common room birthday events she's sure went down earlier that night.
“i'm sure you got much better gifts from your boys. i didn't even have time to get you anything.” corvus mutters, james’ arm planted firmly around her shoulders from where they lay on the grass outside.
“you're the best birthday gift.” james argues, turning to place a kiss on corvus’ lips.
“dork.” corvus giggles, actually giggles.
“dorkier.” james slurs, pressing more kisses all over her face as they both laugh.
~~~
march goes by fast.
a blur of movement.
corvus feels like she blinked and it was over.
things with james are going well.
that scares her.
~~~
she's stone cold today.
every touch is like a bucket of ice being poured over her head.
every word is like needles jamming themselves into her eardrums.
every face is a horrible, miserable, lifeless painting of death.
she can't stand today.
she doesn't want to talk. she doesn't want to touch. she doesn't want to feel.
she's scratching at her arms until they go numb, red blood dripping down as if a cat's claws had gone at them.
she's not crying. she's not feeling. she can barely even tell that she's doing it.
it's been a long time since corvus has scratched like this.
after james, it seemed she started doing it less and less. until eventually, it just stopped.
until now. for some reason, now is the breaking point.
the dam has broken. the sun has set.
she doesn't know why. nothing has happened.
there was no catalyst to suddenly cause all of the knives to finally break through her skin.
she just can't breathe. she can't be touched. can't be spoken to. looked at.
she wants everything gone. she wants today over
~~~
april is hard.
corvus is cruel and harsh and cold the entire month.
the worst part is that she's not even sure why.
maybe it runs in the family after all.
~~~
‘Corvus Caelum Black,
Come home this summer. You will be receiving the mark. If you do this, your brothers will be spared. They will be allowed to live the rest of their lives with the Potter’s as they so clearly wish. If you do not comply, and we do not receive an heir to the house of black by the end of this summer, the three of you will be forcibly removed from the Potter household by whatever means necessary. You will never see either of your brothers again if you choose to defy us. Make the right choice. This is a very generous offer and it will not be made twice.
Walburga Black’
~~~
may is antagonizing.
corvus feels sick to her stomach throughout the entire month.
she wants to throw up the contents of her entire body.
~~~
“i'm going to evan’s this summer.” corvus informs bluntly as she walks into the cabin, james sitting in the window seat reading a book.
upon further inspection, it's a collection of works by various muggle english poets that she had recommended to him.
“what?” james asks suddenly, hastily closing the book.
“evan asked me to spend the summer at his manor. and i said yes.” corvus elaborates, devoid of any emotion.
“i- why?” james seems completely caught off guard.
“because he's my friend? and he asked me?” corvus says, her voice harsher than strictly intended.
“well- i- i know, but- i just mean, you've spent so much time getting away from houses like that. why would you willingly put yourself back in that position?” james questions, stepping closer.
“i just wanted to tell you. thought your parents should be informed that i won't be joining this year. regulus will still be there.” corvus starts stepping towards the door.
“cor, i- what'shappening right now?” corvus turns around now to look at james.
“i'm going to a friend's house for the summer. i thought it seemed pretty clear.” she says matter of fact.
“okay, now you're talking to me like i'm stupid.”
corvus just stands there, an eyebrow raised.
“are you- are you ending this? i don't understand what's happening?” james’ voice cracks, and it just about shatters corvus’ icy mask.
“james,” she starts, voice softening ever so slightly as she takes a tiny step closer to him. “if we stayed together atall, it'd be a miracle. maybe it's better this way.”
“we live on a giant planet, orbiting around a huge fireball, with a moon that moves oceans, and you're telling me that we're the miracle in this world?” james shouts, eyes watering. “besides, i- i don't want it to be better. i want it to be you. i love you corvus. i love you so goddamn much. i- i thought- you love me too. you- you love me, don't you?”
corvus sighs, stepping closer to james and taking his hands in hers, trying not to flinch in doing so.
“i'm going to evan’s for the summer, okay? you can't change that. i made a promise.” james winces, a tear spilling from his eye. “i'm gonna get back, and we're gonna meet in here, and we're gonna spend our first night back together, okay?”
james sniffles, nodding. corvus runs her finger along his cheek, wiping the fallen tears off of his face. she presses her forehead against his.
“we'll spend our first night back in here.” james confirms, voice thick.
“i love you.” corvus pleads. “i need you to know that. i need you to know that i love you. no matter what happens. i always love you. today. tomorrow. forever.”
~~~
june is dark.
all light fading from corvus’ view.
do not tell me i went through all of the shit that i did so that i could be good, just to be bad in the end anyways.
any dreams she had of a life with james potter slowly disintegrating each with second summer approaches.