one point perspective

i know myself and who i am

there are stories in these calloused hands

that not a soul will ever hear

corvus needs to see james. 

it's been three weeks since they got back to school. since she found out about barty and evan.

midterm exams are coming up next week, so everybody has been cramming. 

she feels like she can't breathe. she doesn't think she's gotten in a solid breath since she got on that train three weeks ago.

sirius has talked to her once or twice. invited her to a quidditch party she didn't bother going to. she used the excuse of exams in order to get out of it. 

other than that, she's had virtually no contact with any of the gryffindors. 

disregarding the fact that slughorn mixed around the seating last week, forcing her and lupin to sit next to each other, therefore, being partners.

not that she was incredibly opposed to that. lupin is bearable.

things have been… weird, with evan and barty. they're trying to pretend they're not. that everything is totally and completely normal. 

it's hard to pretend when they're suddenly only wearing long sleeves. being very careful about not pulling them up. when they'll both randomly get a sharp shooting pain in their left forearm at coincidentally the exact same time.

dorcas, pandora, and regulus clearly know too. they figured it out just as soon as corvus had. 

they aren't talking. not much, anyway. they're being quiet. which leaves corvus completely on edge. barty and evan aren't meant to be quiet. their default setting is loud and obnoxious.

it's too quiet. she needs james to fill the silence. 

~~~

“jamie.” corvus sighs, falling into james’ arms as soon as she sets foot inside their cabin.

“cor.” james says, a laugh evident in his voice.

corvus doesn't say anything else for a moment, just buries her face in james’ shirt, breathing him in. she's sitting in his lap with her arms wrapped around his neck.

“talk.” she says, muffled by the fabric of his thick wool jumper that she's pretty sure belongs to remus.

“about what?” james asks softly, running his hands up and down her back, pressing soft kisses to her covered shoulder.

“anything. just need you to talk. too quiet. everything is too quiet.” she admits, not used to being this blatantly transparent with anyone. 

“okay, love.” james whispers, tapping his fingers on her back to no specific rhythm. “uhm, tryouts for the new quidditch captain are in two weeks.”

corvus just hums, eyes closed, content seeping into her limp form. 

“i mean, i'm kind of hoping i'll get it.” corvus can practically feel the boy’s face go hot. “okay, yeah, i'm really hoping i'll get it.”

james lets out a laugh, and corvus can feel him move one of his hands to scratch behind his neck.

“i don't know. i mean, i've kind of been working at captain for as long as i can remember. my dad basically put a broom in my hands the moment i was born.” james huffs good-naturedly, returning his hands to the girl, resting them on the small of her back.

a moment goes by in which neither james or corvus speaks. it's a different kind of silence than it has been in the slytherin common room. this silence is gentle, light, weightless. opposed to dark, heavy, tense.

corvus drifts in and out of reality, bordering on falling asleep at least a couple dozen of times. 

“we are the one mess i don't mind not cleaning up.” corvus breathes suddenly, eyes shutting tight as she clings onto james, hands fisting in his jumper.

james inhales deeply, matching corvus’ grip as he buries his head in her shoulder.

~~~

she knew she was going to fuck up at some point. knew that this thing, whatever is was, that she had with james, was someway going to go downhill.

after all, everything else in her life does.

they're at their cabin. it's gotten to the point of the snow being almost completely melted, and the temperature has gone up. 

they're sitting by the lake, corvus is reading, teetering between focusing on her book and listening to james talk as he pelts rocks into the water.

she's wearing his jumper, the air still holding a slightly bitter winter chill. 

she doesn't know how it starts. not for sure. just that james was saying something about the mark. probably something he saw in the prophet.

“i mean, i just don't understand. why can't we all just let each other live? does it really matter what's in our blood?” he huffs, chucking another rock that bounces off of a bigger one before making a rather large thunk into the water. “they're all a bunch of twats. those who get the mark, that is.”

“i wouldn't necessarily say all of them.” corvus says offhandedly, turning back in her book and scanning the previous page as she realizes she's missed something in the midst of james’ rant.

“what?” james asks suddenly, the splashing noises ceasing.

corvus looks to her side, where she can see james looking at her with a deep furrow in his brow.

“what do you mean by that?”

“i just mean,” corvus starts, placing a piece of parchment, she's pretty sure at one point it resembled something close enough to homework, into the middle of her book in order to mark her spot. “i mean, i am one of these families. the ones that are all ‘dark lord worshiping’ and ‘pure blood supremacy’, and i'm just saying, that it's usually not what everyone who gets the mark actually wants.”

“they could always just leave.” james says simply, as if it's as easy as it sounds. corvus lets out a scoff before she can prevent it.

“you make that sound so easy, james.” corvus rolls her eyes.

“you did it. sirius did it. regulus did. if they really didn't want it, they'd leave before they had to get it. like you guys did.”

“you have no idea what it's like to be in a house like that, james. you have no right to say that they should ‘just leave’. leaving one of those houses could get someone killed.” corvus argues, standing up from her sitting position on the ground now.

“rather dead than one of them.” james mutters.

“good to know where you stand on the matter, potter.” corvus laughs bitterly, turning around with her book in her grasp.

“cor, what're you doing?” james calls out, his footsteps already crunching behind him.

“i don't know, i just don't want to be around you right now.” corvus replies, not turning back. 

“wait, cor. i'm sorry. i didn't- please, just stop for a second.” james pleads, reaching his hand out near enough to corvus’ that she can feel his heat, but not close enough that he's touching.

corvus lets out a heavy breath, her shoulders dropping, suddenly exhausted. 

“james, just let me go.” corvus sighs. 

“no, i, come on, please. corvus. i- please just don't leave? okay?” james pleads, his voice small and desperate.

corvus turns around, taking james in. his hands are in his hair, eyes wide, piercing.

“evan and barty got the mark.” corvus sighs, her voice is softer than she's heard it in a long time. james’ eyes, if possible, go even wider. “and i would've gotten it too, james. if it wasn't for reg, i wouldn't be with you right now. you wouldn't- you wouldn't want anything to do with me, james. you stillshouldn't.”

james lets out a breath, running his hands through his hair once more. he steps closer, reaching out his hand.

“corvus, can i touch you?” corvus looks away, but nods nonetheless. “i need you to hear me when i say this. look at me please?” corvus turns back to james. he grabs hold of both of her hands, pulling her closer to him. “you. it will always be you. don't you get that? if i had the choice between everything i've ever wanted, and you, it would always be you. every time. today. tomorrow. forever. so if you want out because you genuinely want out, then tell me. i'll let you go. but if you wanna ditch just because it's getting a little hard, or you think you're not good enough or whatever it is that you're thinking, don't. i'm in this, cor. i'm in this and i'm not going anywhere.”

“watering a rock doesn't make it soft, james.” corvus says after a moment of silence.

“but the shine makes it beautiful.” james argues, pulling corvus even closer, their noses almost touching. “i'm in this. i'm in this how it is. i don't want you to change. i don't want you to be soft. i just want you. you. you. you.”

“me, me, me.” corvus repeats, sinking into james’ hold as he wraps his arms around her waist. 

“us, us, us.” james reiterates, closing his eyes as he presses his forehead against corvus’ own.

us.

us.

us.

it's such a hard thing to believe. running is all she's ever known.

arguing. yelling. blaming. screaming. 

it's what she's been raised to believe in. 

she doesn't believe in love. or family. or care.

it's all muddled with the hatred and harshness and cruel words that have been beaten into her her whole life.

she doesn't know how not to run. 

but still, with james, she doesn't think she can. because she's tried. she's trying. and god, has it not worked. 

she doesn't think she's capable of running from james. not anymore. she's in too deep.

she loves james. she loves him more than anything else. that's the problem.