chapter 14 - it's gonna be ok
sometimes when i'm losing my mind
somewhere between space and time
i can feel your hand in mine
sirius has noticed something is going on with his best friend.
he's been sneaking out a lot. waiting until he thinks they're all asleep before grabbing the map and the cloak and making his way somewhere sirius isn't sure of.
he's been spacing out more than usual. getting distracted easier, which is saying a lot for james, given the fact that he probably has some undiagnosed adhd going on beneath the surface.
he's thought about bringing it up. about following him when he's sneaking out. but he's decided against it. if james wants to talk about it, he will.
james has never expected sirius to talk about what's going on with himself, he wouldn't expect that of james either.
so he's been ignoring it. or trying to. it's quite difficult when he makes it so bloody obvious.
he isn't sure what it is. just that it's making james act strange. not that strange is bad. some of his favorite people in this world are also the strangest people he's ever met.
sirius knows something is going on with his best friend.
he's just not quite sure what.
~~~
“so, you're meeting me tomorrow.” james teases, running his fingers gently along corvus’ arms.
they're sitting on the window seat. well, moreso laying. corvus is in front of james, in between his legs so that she's laying the back of her body onto his chest as she reads.
james, however, is completely entranced in the girl before him. she's letting him touch her, which doesn't always happen.
even when they're in their cabin, she sometimes pulls away. she sometimes sits on the opposite side from him.
he never says anything about it. never questions it. is never hurt. he knows that it's harder for her, for whatever reason. and he'll give her whatever space she needs.
“i hope you know you have to pretend like you don't already know me.” corvus comments, resting her head onto james’ chest as she marks something down in the margin of her book.
it's a quidditch book. one that james will most definitely be needing to borrow at some point in the near future.
“i wouldn't expect any different, love.” james assures, pressing a kiss to the top of the girl’s head.
she relaxes against him, shutting her book and closing her eyes.
james drinks in the sight. the sight that's so incredibly vulnerable and content. and as of right now, just for him.
“you excited?” he asks, running his fingers through her hair absentmindedly as he too closes his eyes.
corvus hums indifferently, pushing further into him.
“you happy?” she asks quietly, almost like it's a secret. which, if he's being honest, wouldn't surprise him if it was. everything is a secret with corvus black.
“incredibly.” it's not even an exaggeration either.
he doesn't know if he's ever really been this content before. not like this. not with corvus black in his arms. letting him touch her. letting him have her to himself. even just for a little bit.
“i'm gonna fall asleep.” corvus murmurs tiredly, turning her head into his chest.
“i'll wake you up, love.” james assures, still brushing his fingers through her hair. it's so incredibly soft. “promise.”
he doesn't intend for that to be a lie.
“james. jamie.” james jolts awake, opening his eyes abruptly and staring up at the girl in front of him. “it's been three hours. i thought you said you would wake me up.”
“i meant to.” james assures, rubbing his sleepy eyes. “fell asleep, i guess. i'm sorry.”
corvus sighs, looking so very tired herself. “it's fine, j.”
james feels himself beaming at that, a feeling of elation going through him.
“do not get used to that.” corvus scolds, pointing an accusing finger and taking a step back from james.
and oh, he's going to get used to that.
“c'mere.” james urges sleepily, sitting up on the window seat.
“james, we've already been here too long.” corvus detests, though she doesn't sound at all convincing.
“please.” james insists, and corvus lets out a dramatic sigh before stepping closer to him.
dramatics apparently run in the black family.
james hums delightedly, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her in once corvus gets close enough.
she doesn't pull away. she kind of just melts into his arms reluctantly, settling her legs on either side of his lap.
“you're ridiculously clingy.” she informs dryly, sitting in his lap and looking down at him.
“you're ethereal.” james replies, if you could count that as a reply.
corvus rolls her eyes, but she settles further into james’ lap anyway.
this is all james wants. he thinks he'd like it. just the two of them. in their cabin. no one else.
he wants to live inside the walls of this cabin. in the trees of this forest. in the water of its creek. in the skin of corvus black.
he wants to carve out all of himself and give it to her. all that he is. all that he ever has been. he wants her to see it. wants her to have it. wants corvus black to have all of james potter.
“what's up?” corvus breaks james out of his thoughts, gently grabbing a fistful of his hair in her hand and moving his head with it so that he's looking at her.
“just thinking.” james smiles dorkily. he tends to become something of a giddy little kid whenever he's in corvus’ presence.
“what about?”
“you.” james says easily, no hesitation whatsoever. “always you. ever you. only you.”
he pressed a short kiss to her lips between every word, trying to further his point.
corvus doesn't say anything for a long moment, and james wants to know what she's thinking. he always wants to know what she's thinking. he thinks he always has.
“why do we need to leave?” james asks, burying his face in corvus’ neck. breathing her in. he doesn't think he'll ever get enough. “i like it here. we could stay here.”
“then you'd never see sirius again.” corvus points out, sounding amused, and james wants to fucking drink it.
love, love, love, love. he thinks over and over again.
he's done this thing, ever since he was little, where the word ‘love’ doesn't feel like enough. he still does it sometimes. with his parents. with sirius. peter. remus. ‘i love you’ feels so small when everything else is so big.
when he was a kid, even now, there were times where it didn't feel sufficient. but nothing else could equate the feelings he had for the people in his life. he would just repeat ‘i love you’ over and over again like a chant. like if he said it enough, maybe something else would eventually come to mind to equal what he's really feeling.
he doesn't know why the word ‘love’ comes to mind when he thinks of corvus black, but for some reason it makes sense. like butterbeer at the leaky cauldron. it's just supposed to be there.
“you stare a lot.”
“i have a lot to stare at.”
that makes corvus laugh, and she nestles further into james’ lap.
he thinks he must've done something really good to deserve what he has right now, in this moment. corvus black is on his lap. she's laughing. she's calling him james.
love, love, love, love.