18
18
James is buzzing with nerves and has been wracking his brain in front of the wardrobe for over an hour. He keeps checking his phone while scanning his clothing choices with his eyes and taking deep breaths to calm his heart rate. He hasn’t felt this anxious in a very long time and he’s not sure how to take it. He doesn’t like feeling like this, it only increases the chances of making a fool of himself. First dates have become an endeavour for him since ending in a wheelchair and he doesn’t like how self-conscious it all makes him feel.
But it’s Regulus this time and he won’t disappoint him. Right?
The doorbell rings and James jolts. This must be Sirius. He texted him half an hour ago for help choosing what to wear and for some emotional support.
James wheels quickly towards the entrance and, indeed, finds Sirius waiting on the other side with a smug smile.
“Hey ho!”
James lets him in and they both head towards the bedroom.
“Do you want something to drink? I think I have one last beer”.
“Naaah thanks, mate. I can’t hang around for too long”.
“Thanks for helping me out”.
Sirius offers him a bright smile. “Don’t. I love doing this. So”. Padfoot turns towards the closet, his expression turning pensive and focused. “What have you got here?”
James lets him search through his clothes. Sirius is a golden mine when it comes to fashion and this is not the first time he puts his hands in one of his friends’ closets. James trusts him. And he doesn’t want to appear bad next to Regulus. He hasn’t seen much of Regulus’s style — it’s difficult to do it through a small camera — and he’s not sure whether the guy has one or if he even cares about that, but James doesn’t want to risk it.
Sirius rummages through the closet and picks up a few items.
“Try this”.
A dark red button-up and a pair of dark jeans.
James transfers to the bed swiftly and starts with the button-up. He can still remember how hard it was wearing clothes when he first got paralyzed. He learned pretty quickly how to dress on his own without the use of half his body, that wasn’t the real issue. No. The issue was finding stuff that could fit him and be comfortable while staying always in a seated position and doesn’t look baggy or straight up bad. He’s never been much of a fashion guy but after the accident something changed. Not that it made him become a fashion expert, far from it, but finding the clothes that fit him right and that enhanced his shape in a way he could appreciate, helped him to find back that confidence and self-worth he thought he lost for good.
People give for granted stuff like this but it can make a huge difference in how one sees themself in the mirror. For James it surely did.
James lies on the bed to pull up and button his jeans.
“Yeah! Perfect”, Sirius comments. “Your red Converse will be the cherry on the cake”.
“Thanks, Sirius”.
“Don’t worry. Just tell me what’s wrong”.
James frowns in Sirius’s direction.
“Don’t give me that face. I can see that something is worrying you. You are never this quiet. And tense”.
James shrugs and looks down. He takes a deep breath before giving his answer. “I guess I’m just nervous”.
“For the date?”
“Yeah”.
“It’s going to be alright”, Sirius tries to reassure him and James wants to erupt in a bitter laughter but he knows that his friend means well. “This is not your first rodeo”.
“No, it’s not. It’s just… I really like him and… I hope he likes me too”.
“Look”, Sirius goes in front of the closet and sits on the floor, cross-legged. This way he can face James better. “I know that whatever I say it’s not really going to help because I’m not in your situation and I don’t know how it feels. I can only imagine but… You are smart and sexy as fuck-”. They both chuckle. “You have a steady job, you live on your own and you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. You are confident and you know who you are. And if he doesn’t see that, he’s stupid. It would be his loss”.
James smiles a little. Well, it helped.
“Where are you guys meeting?”
“At the Three Broomsticks”.
“Did you choose it?”
“Yes”.
Regulus let James choose the place for their meeting which the latter appreciated a lot because it gave him the chance to choose a place he knew was accessible. He doesn’t know whether Regulus did it on purpose or if he just couldn’t bother to pick a place.
“Well, you are playing in friendly territory so… Aren’t you going to tell me the name of this guy?”
James laughs and shakes his head. “Nope. Not yet”.
Sirius huffs loudly. “You are going to make me sweat this one, aren’t you?”
James gives him a wink and goes to put on his shoes.
“How are you instead?”
“I’m good. It’s just that this weather– It’s a bit depressing”.
“Yeah. Totally. And… What about your brother? Have you two–”.
Sirius shrugs and releases a long, tired breath. “I’m trying to give him some space and not be nagging. But I was thinking of inviting him for tea or something. But he’s always busy, it seems”.
James looks at his friend with a concerned expression. “Do you think he’s really busy or he’s… Avoiding you?”
“Who knows. But with the job he’s doing I can believe that he’s really busy”.
“And what’s his job?” James asks, sincerely curious.
“Ballet… He’s— He’s a ballerina. Don’t ask me the details, I don’t know exactly if he’s in a company or how exactly that works but yeah…”.
“He’s a ballerina?” James frowns as his mind immediately goes to Regulus. He’s also a ballerina. What a weird coincidence. Maybe he can ask him later if he knows anyone who goes by the name of Black and looks like a supermodel— if Sirius’s brother is anything similar to him. Although, there are few ballet companies in London and probably all dancers look like supermodels.
“Yeah, I know. He’s always loved to dance. Even when we were kids”.
James notices a tiny melancholic gleam in Sirius’s eyes that disappears a second later when he claps his hands on his knees and stands up.
“Sorry. I’ve gotta go. But, Prongs… Don’t worry too much. Just be yourself. You got this, okay?”
James grins and nods his head. “Sure. Thanks, Pads”.
“And you better tell me everything later”, Sirius warns him, faking a threatening expression.
James chuckles and walks Sirius towards the door.
~•~
James arrives half an hour earlier. He wanted to be sure not to be late and moving around with a wheelchair puts weight on time management. And sometimes, despite being on time, he finds an obstacle that makes him come late.
This time it was his nervousness that made him arrive earlier. If he could, he’d be bouncing his legs. So James is tapping his fingers on the beer glass he ordered to relax a bit. He hopes Regulus won’t be bothered that he already ordered.
The pub isn’t too crowded, despite being Saturday afternoon but everytime the door opens James’s head jumps in its direction, his heart stopping for a second, only to be disappointed when it isn’t Regulus the one who crosses the threshold.
He’s sitting at a table in direct view from the door so Regulus can immediately spot him, but not too close so the cold from outside won’t reach them.
James checks the clock. It’s 5.16 pm. They agreed for 5 pm. James has texted Regulus at.50 that he’s just arrived, although he has been there since 4.30. But that’s not something he should let him know, right? Regulus replied to the text saying that he was on his way. So he wasn’t going to stand him up. Maybe. Hopefully.
Oh please, James, stop worrying!
Then the door opens again and James turns his head already prepared that it won’t be Regulus when his jaw almost drops.
The man who walks in through that door is around his age, fair skin, dark curls, tall and slender in a long, grey coat and black scarf.
Regulus.
More beautiful in person than in video. If that’s even possible.
James feels his breath stuck in his throat. His heart starts doing some weird jumps in his chest.
And then Regulus’s eyes catch on him. It takes a fraction of a second for him to probably recognise James and his face brightens up in a smile. A beautiful, happy smile.
Regulus crosses the few steps towards the table and stops.
“Hi”.
“Hi”.
This is one of the parts that James hates, not being able to stand up to greet him properly. But Regulus doesn’t seem phased at all, he just sits on the chair in front of James, still wearing that smile.
“It’s good to finally meet in person”, Regulus says.
“Yeah. Agree”. James’s voice comes out a bit raspy so he clears it. “I’m sorry I already ordered. I hope you don’t mind—”.
“Oh, not at all. I’m sorry you had to wait for me. I should’ve left a bit earlier but…”.
“It’s fine, don’t worry”.
Regulus takes off his coat and reveals a dark green sweater over a pair of dark trousers. It’s nice, the green looks good on him.
James downs the last of his beer and asks: “Do you want to order?”
“Why not?”
As if hearing them, the bartender, Rosmerta, appears by their side.
“What can I bring you guys?”
James orders another beer and Regulus goes with a ginger ale.
“So, how are you?” asks James as soon as Rosmerta leaves.
Regulus takes a moment to reply. “I’m… I’m good. Just a bit tired”.
“Do you work too much?”
Rosmerta comes with their orders and puts them in front of the boys.
“Kinda. It’s more like… The practising. Even when I’m not trying for a show I have to do stretches and rehearse on my own. And then, before a show, we have the dressing trials and make-up and all that kind of stuff”.
“It sounds a lot”.
“It is but I love it. I’ve been dancing my whole life. It’s been… Let’s say that dancing has been my safe place during some hard moments”.
James offers him a little understanding smile and takes a sip of his beer. He’s enjoying this so far. He didn’t expect the first meeting to go this smooth but it’s the same as when they talk on the phone, no awkward moments or silences. Regulus hasn’t addressed his wheelchair either and James is glad. “That’s good”.
“And what about you? Do you like your job?”
James nods. “Yeah. I’ve been lucky ‘cause the company was still very young when I applied and my boss wanted some young and fresh minds. He’s also allowing us to work from home when we want but… I like going to the office. Normally I don’t like staying at home too much, it makes me nervous. I’m pretty outgoing”.
Regulus chuckles. “Well, maybe we are a bit different in this”.
“Are you an introvert?”
For some reason, James would have guessed so.
“Sort of, yeah. Although, I can be very comfortable and chatty when I’m with people that I know well”.
“I get it. Some of my friends are like that too”.
James immediately thinks of Remus but Lily and Dorcas are like that too. They like to call themselves selectively social.
“Pandora says hi, by the way”.
“Oh really? She seems sweet”.
“She is. She can be a menace, but she’s actually sweet. Don’t tell her I said so”.
“Don’t worry. I won’t”.
James’s lips pull in a small smile that is received by a half smile from Regulus. Then the boy’s eyes fall on the table, his gaze hidden by his long eyelashes as if he feels shy all of a sudden. A bit of red is still lingering on his cheeks from when he came in from the outside cold into the warmth of the inside and it makes him so damn cute. James has the impression that Regulus is that kind of person who tries to wear a mask of the tough guy but beneath it is very sweet and vulnerable.
“How’s your other friend doing? The one who went to the ER–”.
“Oh fine! He’s fine”.
“I’m glad”.
They both take a drink. Meanwhile the place has started getting crowded. James is finding their conversation pleasant. He’s fine with doing small talk, there will be time to get into more serious stuff. And also, the little everyday things are a good starter to get to know someone.
“What about your friends? Do you have many?”
James finds himself smiling and chuckling while thinking of the Marauders and the rest of the group.
“We are not a huge group but we are pretty… Close. Yeah. They’ve been with me through a lot. The best moments and the worst”.
Regulus nods and smiles a little, looking down again. James notices how his gaze gets lost somewhere for a moment, as if he’s suddenly remembering something and James wonders if it has to do with what he said. What were Regulus’s worst moments?
Both their hands are clutching the glasses on the table which is so small that their knuckles are almost touching one another. James is tempted to take Regulus’s hand but he resists the urge. He’s not sure how Regulus would react and he doesn’t want to put him in an uncomfortable position.
“You know, one of my friends…”, James says then, just to distract the other one. And it works, Regulus’s eyes flash immediately on him, interested. “He’s like a brother to me. Literally. My parents sort of unofficially adopted him because his– His biological parents weren’t that great. He would spend a lot of time with us. He even went on holidays with us many times”.
Regulus nods. He somehow looks sad and that wasn’t what James aimed at. Maybe this isn’t the best choice of topic.
“I— I understand the situation. Of your friend, I mean”.
James tilts his head on one side, frowning. Regulus mentioned something about his family and that they don’t get along so much, didn’t he?
“I’m… I’m sorry”.
“It’s okay. But… Let’s talk about something else. I don’t want to bore you with sad stories”.
“You wouldn’t bore me”, James is quick to counteract. “But okay. Tell me about your dancing classes”.
And so Regulus talks about the show they are preparing, the dancing classes he’s giving to a group of highschoolers. James tells him about his job, his colleagues and then they talk about some random things, like music, movies and such and James has a good time and he can confidently say that Regulus is too but the more the time passes the more he knows that their date is going to end soon and it’s making him a bit sad. But that’s a problem for later James.
They’ve finished their drinks some time ago already when Regulus asks: “Would you mind if we go somewhere else? Somewhere more… Peaceful?”
“Of course. There’s a park across the street. We can go there if you want”.
“Yeah. That sounds good”.
James doesn’t mind the idea because the pub is filled with a cacophony of voices and it has become hard to talk at a normal pitch.
“Let me pay for the drinks and then we can go”.
“I can pay, it’s not a problem”, Regulus offers.
“I insist. Next time it’ll be your turn”. James winks in the other’s direction to which Regulus smiles smugly.
Luckily there’s no one at the till so James returns quickly to Regulus, who is waiting for him by the door. He opens it for him and they head out.
Now comes the real deal, James thinks. He feels very self-conscious wheeling in his wheelchair next to the other boy. This is the moment for Regulus to realise if he’s fine walking and being with a disabled person. He throws some hidden glances in his direction but Regulus isn’t letting much of what he’s feeling or thinking get through his face.
James is pretty fast in his wheelchair and Regulus has long legs and is keeping up. They could hold hands but, again, it might be too soon for that.
“This place is pretty quiet, we can take a stroll”, James says when they cross the threshold of the park.
“Great!”
They stay quiet for a while and James feels the calmness and the positivity of earlier fading and the nervousness coming back again. He hopes they’ll end the date on a good note.
“Do you mind if we stop here?” Regulus asks, approaching a bench.
“Sure”.
Regulus sits down and James remains next to the bench, close to Regulus’s knees.
“Would you—”, Regulus starts. “Would you sit next to me? If you want and… Can. I mean, I can help you…”.
James bursts into a little laugh. “Yes, Reg. I can sit next to you. I’d be happy to”.
The bench is at the same height as his wheelchair so James transfers on it with no troubles. Regulus scoots just enough to make space for him but they are very close to one another and James can feel his heart beating fast in his chest and, from this close, he can smell Regulus’s perfume and it’s so damn good. Shivers run up and down his body and it’s not from the temperatures, although it’s pretty chill.
“Can I ask you something?” Regulus says, his gaze on him.
James holds back a sigh. He can guess what the question might be, something in the range of “why are you in a wheelchair” or “what happened?” because he’d want to know it, obviously and James can’t blame him. He doesn’t intend to keep it a secret either, he’d just like to do it on his own terms and at his own time.
“Shoot”.
Regulus draws in a breath. “Did I— Did I give you the impression that I wouldn’t react well to you using a wheelchair?”
James’s jaw almost drops. Well, he wasn’t expecting that kind of question. And Regulus probably reads his face because he immediately adds: “It’s just… You sounded so nervous when you told me about it and I’ve got the impression that— That you’ve been scared to tell me so… I fear I might have given the impression or said something that might… I don’t know, made you think that I was some kind of douchebag who rejects people for being disabled”.
James wants to laugh. He wants to laugh. For fun, for relief, for feeling a bit silly and because… Because Regulus is so full of positive surprises. That’s been going through his mind these last few minutes?
But he doesn’t laugh because it doesn’t feel proper. But he smiles and puts a hand on the backseat of the bench, between himself and Regulus.
“I’m sorry if I made you think that, Reg”.
“No, you don’t have to apologise—”.
“It’s not your fault. I was nervous but not because of you… It’s just that some dates in the past didn’t always react very well when I told them, so… But it has nothing to do with you”.
All of a sudden Regulus grabs Jame’s hand resting in his lap and takes it between his, never interrupting the eye-contact.
James’s words cut in his throat. He throws a glance at their intertwined hands and caresses his knuckles, feeling a sweet smile growing on his face.
“I’m sorry that there are so many douchebags in this World”, Regulus says, his voice low to an almost-whisper. “But I’m glad that you were free for me”.
James finds himself at a loss for words and it’s such a rare occurrence for him. He feels his cheeks flash and all of a sudden it’s much warmer.
James beams with his whole face when Regulus speaks again: “Can I kiss you, James?”
He nods, still incapable of talking.
Regulus doesn’t waste a second and leans forward, pressing his lips against James’s, his tongue slipping through his lips.
They kiss on that bench undisturbed but even if there was a crowd staring at them James wouldn’t care.
Regulus moves closer to him and puts his hand on James’s waist as if he’s afraid of him going away. But James has no intention of moving from there one inch.
They have to interrupt the kiss to catch some air, but their faces stay close and James can stare into Regulus’s grey eyes, grey just like the sky that day.
And, in a second, they’re onto each other’s mouths again.