15
15
James wakes up the next morning feeling under the weather from the moment he opens his eyes and he doesn’t need much to remember the conversation of the other night with Regulus.
He lets out a frustrated grunt and starts preparing for the day, very slowly and already tired. It takes him an excruciating time to do all the things, and even skips breakfast, if coffee doesn’t count as breakfast.
So he jumps in the car — gym is not an option that day — and drives towards his workplace. But before that he makes a stop at the gas station and has to go through the entire hassle of assembling his wheelchair (as if doing it four times a day wasn’t already enough). Midway through the process, he notices a man in his forties, probably, staring at him from the other side. Keeps staring even when it’s clear that James has seen him.
But James tries his best to ignore him; jumps on the chair, wheels to the pumps, puts in his debit card, fills the fuel tank. Meanwhile the man hasn’t stopped staring and now is even more unapologetic, as if knowing that James is aware of his attention makes him somehow more excusable.
James wheels back towards the driver’s seat and climbs up in the car, too self-conscious of the show he’s putting on for that idiot. In any other moment he would have shouted something boldly insulting, but not today.
James slumps against the seat and sighs.
Fuck people!
Fuck this day!
And fuck that man!
At work, things aren’t any better. Not that they are bad either. Everything is the same, he just barely gets any job done. He keeps checking his phone to see if Regulus has texted him after his good morning message but nothing comes and James knows, he knows he’s fucked up.
Yes, Regulus might be busy, he’s always busy, but this silence is not casual. James feels it in his guts and it’s his fault.
Where did your bravery go, James?
Why are you so pathetic?
When finally his phone chimes, James almost drops it in the way of taking ahold of it but it’s only Sirius, and his heart sinks.
Sirius: hey, wanna go shopping? I need some new clothes.
James starts typing that no, he’s not in the mood, but then maybe, maybe it would be better to hang out a bit with his best friend. It could be a distraction from all this mess and besides, he hasn’t bought himself a nice piece of clothing in a long time.
So he replies.
James: sure. Meet me at my workplace?
Sirius: yeah! Thanks, Prongs. I’ll buy you dinner.
James: you better.
And after that, James gets back to work.
~•~
When James leaves the office, Sirius is waiting for him outside, as promised. He jumps on the passenger seat and they head towards the shopping center.
Sirius immediately fumbles with James’s phone to find some music, setting on a punk rock band.
“So, how was work?”
“It was okay. The usual”.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah! What about you? Remus okay?”
“We are great. I’m already thinking about his birthday present. I don’t want it to be banal”.
“I’m sure you’ll find something. Maybe we’ll find inspiration at the mall”.
It’s a bit long, the road to the mall with the late afternoon traffic and all. Driving through London isn’t easy, but it’s easier than taking public transport sometimes.
James’s mind keeps going to Regulus and this heaviness on his heart, and thinks about talking to Sirius. But he sees him in a particularly good mood, singing along to the songs and so decides to wait for later, maybe when they are much calmer.
Finally, they reach the place and James finds a disabled spot immediately, although the parking lot is pretty empty.
Sirius gets the wheelchair out for him and they head inside the mall
Padfoot is usually the one who knows all the best shops everywhere so they don’t have to roam around aimlessly. James follows him like a kid behind their parent and.
“This one or this one?” Sirius asks him, lifting two shirts for him to see, one with some red roses embroidered and one plain, black but with an elegant collar.
“Try them both”.
Sirius exhibits a smug. “Great idea!”
They move on, Sirius now with two shirts over his arm. Then, he comes to a halt and leans towards James. “I think that girl is checking you out”.
James glances at the girl Sirius pointed out — cute, petite — a shopkeeper folding some clothes on a shelf who is throwing looks at them from time to time.
“It’s most likely she is checking you”.
“Too bad for her”.
Sirius considers for a moment. “Or maybe she fears that we might steal something”.
James chuckles. “Yeah, because we definitely look like two hoodrats”.
“Maybe me, your innocent, baby face saves you, Jimmy boy”.
James tuts. Sirius, with his long hair and arms and body covered in tattoos, is easily labeled as a troublemaker. It’s astonishing how people can still be permeable to certain stereotypes. People assume a lot of things based on mere appearances. He wonders whether there will ever come a time when that isn’t a thing anymore.
Sirius grabs more stuff to try on and James follows him in a changing stall.
It’s always a bit of a hustle for him when he shops for clothes in stores because he never knows if he will find a disabled stall. It happened more than once that either there weren’t any or they were used as storage rooms. Which made him feel like crap. In those cases he either gave up buying or had to resort to luck that the clothes fit him once he tried them on at home. This, when he didn’t have the energy to point the problem to a shopkeeper. It’s not always easy to advocate for oneself, without considering how time consuming that whole thing is.
But luckily he already knows which shops are disabled friendly and tries to avoid those that appear blatantly dismissive.
James checks himself in the big mirror and smiles satisfied. He likes how that shirt fits him. He thinks about sending a picture to Regulus — it would be a nice, funny way to break the info — but Sirius’s voice from the other stall interrupts him.
“You done, Prongs?”
“Yeah”.
They almost get out at the same time and whistle at each other like two school girls.
“Yeah, I say we should spend this money”, Sirius quips, before they head back to the changing rooms.
After they’ve paid, they stroll around some more, check more shops — Sirius purchases new earrings — and finally they end up in a music shop. Obviously. Padfoot walks directly to the punk rock section, not even bothering to stop at the more mainstream aisle.
He skims through several vinyl records, Bowie, Queen, the Stooges, Rage Against the Machine and so on.
“Do you think I should buy a record for Moony’s birthday?”
“What kind of record?”
“I don’t know. The problem is, he already has all his favorite records”.
Sirius puts down a record slightly frustrated.
“I’m sure you will find the right present, Pads. Don’t worry”.
“Yeah”.
~•~
Next stop is a MacDonald’s for dinner. James has been starving.
“So, any news?” Sirius asks.
“My boss’s thinking about expanding. Hiring new people. So, we’ll see how that will be going”.
“I’m sure it’s gonna play out fine”.
“Hope so”.
They eat in silence for a few moments, glancing at the people passing by. The mall is starting to get busy.
James is hardly pondering about how to start the conversation about Regulus and if he really wants to talk about it, but Sirius precedes him in the end.
“And how are things with lover boy?”
James swallows the fry he’s been chewing. “Uhm… okay, I guess?”
Sirius raises an eyebrow. “You guess?”
“Well… He wants to meet”.
“Really?” Sirius almost shouts, excitedly. “And you didn’t say anything this whole time?”
James sighs. “It’s not that big deal”.
“C’mon, James. You haven’t dated in… ages”.
And there’s a reason for that.
“I don’t know, Pads. I guess… I’m just nervous".
A pensive frown appears on Sirius’s face meaning that he might have clocked something.
“You mean… You are scared it’s going to be like with the others?”
James doesn’t look at him when he replies: “Something like that, yeah”.
“Well… I don’t know this guy, but… Just follow your guts. And if he reveals himself for a jerk then… it’s his loss”.
James sighs. Easier said than done. But then, he didn’t reveal the whole truth to Sirius, not to anyone.
Then, again, Lily said the same thing and deep down James knows there aren’t many ways for this to go.
“Yeah. You are right”.
“Are you going to tell me his name?”
James chuckles. “Not yet”.
Sirius tuts.
“How are things with your brother by the way?”
Now it’s Sirius’s turn to get tense. “I don’t know, we are cool I guess. Sometimes I send him a meme and he replies. Sometimes he doesn’t. We haven’t met in a while but that’s… that’s okay, I guess. I know he has friends here and he’s pretty busy, so…”.
James observes his best friend and takes notice of a certain longing in his stare that always appears when he talks about his brother.
“It’s just that… I’ve been thinking… if we haven’t met by chance in that supermarket... Who knows how long we would have been going without contact. And you know, it was just some sort of luck. Maybe… Maybe I should have tried more”.
“Sirius”, James interrupts him, resting a hand on his. “Don’t. This is not something you should be putting on yourself. Your brother is also a grown man now. It’s not only your responsibility”.
Sirius intakes a big gulp of air and slumps his shoulders. “Remus said that too”.
“You should listen to him”.
Sirius chuckles. “I always listen to Moony. How can I not?”
James laughs bemused and that sets the rest of the evening. Hanging out with Sirius kind of lifted his spirit a little bit. His worries aren’t in any way over, but he can just relish in this little moment of relief until it lasts.
After dinner, they head back to the car and James drives Sirius home.
~•~
At home, James starts his evening routine: he changes clothes, goes to the bathroom, prepares lunch for the next day…
And checks his phone.
No text from Regulus.
James wants to bump his head against the wall.
Fuck fuckity fuck!!
He can’t go on like that.
You fucking pussy, Potter!!
So he searches through his contacts and presses “call” on Regulus’s name.
He needs to hear Regulus’s voice, to know that everything is okay or that it will be okay.
The phone rings several times, too many times and James is already preparing mentally to hear the cold, automatic voicemail.
But then…
“Hello?”
Fuck! He sounds so distant…
“Uhm, Regs, hi! It’s me. James”.
“James!”
Didn’t he read the name on the screen? James frowns.
“Hey. Just wanted to check on you. Didn’t hear from you today, so… I’m sorry. Is this a wrong time?”
A small sigh comes from the other time. Almost unnoticeable.
“No, it’s… Sorry, I’ve been busy. Long day. And I’m at a party with friends right now, so…”.
Gosh, this is going so bad.
“Oh, okay. Sorry for calling. I can… I mean, I’ll call another time”.
“James?”
“Yeah?”
A few seconds pass.
James hears some noise and loud voices, some laughter from where Regulus is. So definitely a party. He’s not lying.
“About the date… Sorry if I asked. Didn’t want to pressure you or anything”.
“No, it’s not that—“.
“I just… Look, it’s okay. We can make it another time or… Whatever you want”.
James rubs a hand over his face and through his fair feeling tension and nervousness rising.
This is all your fault, Potter!
“I’d like to meet you, really. It’s just… I’m busy this Saturday. I’ll let you know when I can, okay?”
What the fuck, James? What the fuck?!
“Okay. Gotta go. Talk to you later”.
“Uhm… take care”.
But Regulus has already hung up.
James lets go of his phone feeling totally numbed. He stares ahead for a few moments. His eyes start to prickle with tears.
No, he’s not going to cry. He is not going down that path again.
This is all your fault, James and you need to fix it!