16
16
James feels bad with himself. And guilty. He lied to Regulus and he doesn’t like lying. He’s not even good at telling lies, he managed it just because they were texting. And for what? Because Regulus wanted to meet and he didn’t have the courage to tell him the truth.
It feels like that sometimes: no matter how many steps forward he’s made to accept himself and feel proud, there’s always something that pushes him backwards. His therapist says that it’s fine, even the best ones have moments in which they doubt themselves and crash down, the important thing is to not get stuck there. The process of accepting oneself is not linear.
But James feels much worse this time around because he isn’t the only one involved. And he doesn’t want to drag Regulus into his mess, the person who made him feel good and kept him company on the dullest days.
So what now? How does he approach this after all this time? This is another thing that sets the panic inside him. What if Regulus gets mad because he didn’t tell him sooner? What if…
James pushes the wheelchair outside his office and gets to his car. It’s been a tiresome day, mostly because Caradoc is rushing them on a new video game – even though they aren’t to release it before summer – and he isn’t understanding what’s going on with his boss, so his job is another thing that is bothering him quite a bit.
And the weather isn't’ helping: it’s almost February, it’s still cold, he can’t go outside too much and the sun sets too soon for his liking. He’s a spring-summer guy. But well, he also lives in London so he should be used to the bad weather.
His phone rings as soon as he crosses the door of his home.
James pulls it out. It’s his mum.
“Hello, mum?”
“Hello, darling. You home?”
“I just came in. What’s up?”
“Can I come by tomorrow? I baked too much pie and can bring some to you”.
James chuckles. “Of course”.
“Oh, that’s awesome”.
“How are you? How’s dad?”
“We are fine, don’t worry. Had a good day?”
James huffs. “Yes and no. I don’t know, it was a bit hectic. I think I’ll go to bed early”.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Make sure to rest then, honey”.
“Yeah, mum. Say hi to dad from me”.
“Of course”.
They hang up.
~•~
“So, how was the party?” Regulus asks when James calls him.
“The party?”
“Yeah, the party. The one you told me about”.
Oh right! The party he said he was going to to avoid meeting with Regulus.
James feels immediately hot and he’s sure his cheeks have gone red.
“Oh right. Sorry yeah! It was okay. Well, you know, just a work related party so not much going on. I’d rather spent the night with you”.
He chuckles nervously, not sure if the last part went through. But from Regulus’s not so reactive response it probably didn’t.
James exhales a quiet sigh.
“It’s alright”.
And that’s all he says.
James doesn’t know what that means. Is he mad? Is he disappointed? Is he still interested in him? James could ask but also, he’s too afraid to speak any of those questions. His heart is beating hard in his chest.
So silence sinks in and James wants to fill it but he doesn’t know how. He could blurt everything out now, this moment is any good as others, but, again, there’s that tiny, intrusive voice in his head telling him not to.
What if Regulus gets mad for the lie? What if he reacts badly? What if he loses even those small bits of his presence?
“I have to go”, Regulus then says.
James closes his mouth and tries to hide his disappointment. But what can he demand?
“Okay, talk to you soon”.
“Goodnight, James”.
“Goodnight, Reg”.
Click.
James slumps in his bed feeling his eyes prickle. This can’t go on for very long. Regulus will soon lose interest and there’s no point in keeping this facade up anymore.
So James picks up his phone again and opens the chat with Alice.
James: Hey, Alice! Do you have time to meet tomorrow before the training? I need some advice.
Maybe he could ask for advice to someone who has gone through something similar.
~•~
James and Alice decide to meet at the bar of the gym where they usually train to not risk being late and encounter Moody’s grumpiness.
“So, James. What did you want to talk to me about?” Alice asks after a nice waitress serves them two cups of steaming tea.
James exhales a sigh, mentally preparing himself to open up and be a bit vulnerable. But with Alice he can because she knows too the hardships of dating as a disabled person.
“Okay, do you remember that guy I was texting with? We talked about him at the victory party”.
“Oh, yes! Right”, she utters while putting sugar in the tea.
“Well, he asked to meet last Saturday but I declined saying that… I had a party. I didn’t have any party. I was free, but…”. James stares into his tea, feeling very stupid now that he is saying this out loud.
“Let me take a guess”, Alice tries. “You are scared to tell him about the wheelchair”.
James nods eagerly. “Yeah. I know it sounds stupid, but–”-
“It’s not stupid, James. It’s a valid fear”.
James huffs, feeling a bit relieved that she is understanding so easily.
“And I understand you perfectly”.
He gives her a taut smile. “Thanks, Al”.
“So you want advice?”
“Yeah. I mean, if you have any kind of pearl of wisdom to… Share. You know…”.
Alice chuckles, sipping on the tea.
“I am not sure about pearls of wisdom, but… Let me ask you something”.
“Shoot!”
“What’s different now? I mean, you have dated in the past and you also… Did warn people you went out with. So, really, what changes now?”
James puts the cup on the table and thinks for a moment. “Well… I think that… I had a bit of bad experiences and I think those made me a bit wary at how to approach the subject. And also… I really like Regulus and I– I don’t want him to go away if… If he can’t accept me. So I was trying to… I was trying to make him stay longer”.
“Oh, James”.
Alice reaches out to take James’s hand on the table in a soothing gesture.
“I know, it’s pathetic–”-
“Oh, no! Not at all. It’s not pathetic”.
Alice clears her throat. “Look, I wish there was a magical recipe that leaves you totally unscathed but you know very well that there’s not”.
James nods as he takes another sip of the tea.
“And I think you also already know what you have to do”.
James blinks a few times, thinking. Alice is right and, in the end, what he probably needed was some sort of acknowledgment and confirmation of what he already knew.
“Just tell him, James. Rip the band-aid. The sooner the better. And if he rejects you because of your disability then he wasn’t worthy anyway. And I know it’s gonna sting and hurt and if it comes to that I’ll be here to talk or cry or whatever, okay?”
James stiffens as a tiny smile of comfort appears on his lips. “Thank you, Al”.
“But he also might react very well and be totally cool with it, so… You don’t know, James. And the only way to know is telling him. Especially if he wants to meet with you”.
“Yeah. You are totally right”.
“With Frank I was lucky”, Alice goes on. “Because we met way before we started dating. He saw me, he knew about my disability but he asked me out anyway. So… Sure, we had to have a conversation about it because I wanted to be sure that he knew what it means to have a partner with cerebral palsy and what kind of struggles we might encounter, mainly because of society. And he stuck around. We have a kid now. But you know the story".
James chuckles.
“But before Frank… Yeah, I had shitty dates too. So I get it”.
“I just want Regulus to be the right one, you know? I feel like he is, but also… I don’t know. I can’t be sure”.
“Yeah, of course you want. And I really hope he is. And if he hurts you, I’ll gladly punch him. Don’t care if he is a tall bull and I’m short with tiny arms”.
That makes James laugh and finally he feels a lot lighter than when he came into the bar.
“But your feelings are perfectly valid, James. This fear is perfectly valid. And you’ll only get over it after you talk to him”.
“Thanks, Alice”.
They both finish their teas and put the cups on the table at the same time.
“Let’s go now. Training is going to start in a few minutes I believe”.
“Yeah. The tea is on me though”.
“Oh you don’t have to”.
“Please, it’s the least I can do. And really, thanks for the advice”.
“Anytime, James”.
James wheels towards the counter with a smile on his face. Now he knows what he has to do.
~•~
Talking to Alice might have given him some courage but now that he actually has to do it, he’s starting to chicken out again.
James: Hey, Reg… Hope you are doing okay. Do you have time today? I need to talk to you about something.
He texted a couple of hours earlier and immediately regretted the message. It sounded too formal. But Regulus hasn’t replied yet and James is starting to think that maybe he got tired and won’t even reply, just ghost him or disappear.
He tried to distract himself – played a videogame, searched for something to buy, put on a tv show – but he is too antsy and his brain is sending him all kinds of worst-case-scenarios. Why does it have to be so hard? It’s also been hard not to stare at his phone all the time.
But when it pings, he’s quick to grab it and, when he reads Regulus’s name, his heart skips a beat.
Regulus: Sure! Give me a minute.
James runs a hand through his hair nervously, mentally preparing himself for the speech. He’s going for improvisation, but maybe he should have written something.
Okay, no. That sounds stupid.
Okay, James, calm down. You are making it a big deal.
The phone starts to ring and he almost drops it.
Taking a deep breath, James answers the call, trying to sound casual.
“Hi! What’s up?”
“Hey, I’m okay. Just got home from class. You?”
Regulus’s voice sounds normal, at least it doesn’t bear the distant vibe it had the other day, which puts James at ease somehow. Maybe he’s not mad or tired of him after all.
“Yeah, just… Just lying on the couch”.
James puts himself in a more comfortable position, knowing that he won’t find it right now.
“What did you want to talk about?” Regulus asks.
Okay, James, rip off the bandaid.
“Right, so… Uhm… Could we maybe Facetime, please? It’ll be… Easier”.
“Uh, okay… Just give me a second”.
James puts his phone in front of his face and a moment later Regulus’s beautiful face appears in front of his eyes. Gosh, he wants to die. He’s not sure how he’ll manage this. Regulus looks tired, though.
“Hi”, Regulus says softly.
“Hi”.
“I like the glasses”.
James chuckles. “I’ll wear them more often then”.
“You should”.
He feels his cheeks going red. Not the right time.
“Okay, tell me”.
James tries to catch Regulus’s surroundings. He’s sitting somewhere, he notices some stoves behind him so he might be in the kitchen.
“Okay, well… Look, I’ve– I’ve not been totally honest with you”, he starts, staring at his lap. “There’s something I should have told you since we started texting”.
“Oh, okay… Are you a serial killer perhaps?” The irony in Regulus’s voice is clear, but James’s stomach is so entangled that the laugh that erupts from him sounds forced even to his own ears.
“What?! No. Not that!”.
“Okay, so you are a paedophile and I was right”.
“Oh fuck! No!” James feigns indignation, half laughing. At least all these jokes are softening the tension.
“Okay, sorry. Go on, tell me. But just so you know, you are worrying me”.
“There’s nothing to worry, it’s just… I think you should know if… If we are going to meet”.
“Okay”.
Now or never, James.
“So, the thing is…”. He looks down again. The room has become suddenly hot and he’s sweating. “The thing is I’m… I’m disabled. I– I’m paraplegic and so… I use a wheelchair because… Because I can’t walk, my legs, they don’t—”.
“James, I know what paraplegic means”.
James finally looks up and sees that Regulus… Well, Regulus looks pretty normal, not surprised or shocked or anything… Just his usual self. But he doesn’t know how to take that.
“Oh, okay, so… Sorry for not telling you sooner. It’s just, I…”. He’s fumbling but now that the truth is out he feels relieved, like a heavy rock has been lifted from his chest that he almost wants to cry. He just needs to understand how Regulus feels about the whole thing.
“I didn’t really expect that, but… It can happen, I guess”, Regulus says.
“Yeah”.
And then… James tries to ignore it, forces himself to really ignore it, but it’s pretty evident… that Regulus’s eyes aren’t looking at him anymore. He’s throwing glances at something above the screen, appearing nervous, restless.
“Look, can we talk about this some other time?”
James blinks a few times in front of the screen, perplexed, confused. Scared.
“My friend has an emergency and… I can’t explain now, but I need to go. I’ll call you later, okay?”
“Uhm… Okay, yeah, I—”.
“Thank you, James. I’m really sorry, but I have to go”.
Regulus ends the call.
Just like that.
He ends the call.
He. Ends. The. Call.
James remains staring at the blackness of his screen for a full minute, thinking…
WHAT THE FUCK?