14
14
James wakes up to find a pleasant surprise that morning: another video of Regulus dancing, this time to Madonna’s Hung up and, well… James has to pick up his jaw from the cereal bowl where it fell. Maybe watching it before work wasn’t the best of ideas, now he would struggle to get any work done.
He grabs his phone when the video ends and texts Regulus.
James: fnjfkfjnnvk
James: what the fuck was that?
James: oh my God!! You are going to kill me.
Yes, that guy is going to be the death of him.
James: I liked it, by the way. A lot. You are insanely good.
James reluctantly puts the phone away and gets ready to go to work. He wraps himself in his coat and scarf, wishing that spring would come soon. January is slowly fading away, but not as fast as he would like. He’s always been a spring-summer-kind of guy, especially now; riding in a wheelchair in winter is always trickier with the snow and the rain, not to mention the fact that his hands would freeze but with gloves he can’t have a good grip on his wheels.
As foreseen, James has a hard time focusing on his job and the codes at some point start to swirl in front of his eyes. He keeps checking the phone to see if Regulus has texted him back, but it remains mute, and avoids looking at Valentina to not give her any wrong idea, but she too remains pretty subdued, which makes James suspect that Frank might have gotten everything wrong.
Caradoc at some point joins him at his desk after lunch, before the others start to come back.
“So, James! How’s it going?”
James leans into his wheelchair and pulls up the sleeves of his sweater. “Good. The game is proceeding. I’m having some trouble with some parts, like, where the paths become a bit trickier, but that was expected”.
“Okay”.
“I’m sure that Valentina and I will be able to merge our… abilities”.
James gives his boss his brand, reassuring smile.
Caradoc nods. “I don’t doubt it”. The man gazes at James, deep in thought. “I was thinking… It’s time to hire a creative to have here, as an employer, instead of, you know, use freelancers. We have the budget and… Yeah, we could be able to grow quite a bit”.
James stares at Caradoc with a curious frown. Caradoc did mention in the last meeting that he is aiming at expanding, but didn’t say anything specific. And James isn’t sure why he is telling him first of all people. But he’s glad, for his boss who is a good person, and for his workplace having the resources to grow, meaning that they are heading the right way.
“I think it’s amazing. Yeah”.
“They’ll have to collaborate with you and Valentina, of course. Teamwork and all, you know”.
“Yeah, I’m good at teamwork”.
“And, we might add some social media people, someone stable, instead of relying on external agencies”.
“I agree”.
Caradoc smiles when the colleagues begin to file in and clock in after lunch break.
“Well, there sure are going to be some changes. But, I’ll leave you to your work, James”. Caradoc gets up and walks away, leaving a slightly stunned James watching the spot where he’s been sitting and rethinking about their conversation.
He sees with the corner of his eye Valentina coming back to her desk and throws her a glance.
“Hi, James”, she greets.
“Hey! Had a good lunch?”
“Yeah! You?”
“Fantastic!”
Valentina chuckles. “I think it’s going to rain”.
James sighs. “So, good for my wheels”.
At that moment, his phone buzzes and James grabs it, forgetting immediately about Valentina.
Regulus: I knew you would enjoy ;)
James: not sure if you wanted to please me or provoke me.
Regulus: uhmm? Is there a difference?
James can’t restrain a chuckle and when he looks up he sees a couple of his colleagues watching him curiously. So he locks his phone and gets back to work trying not to think about Regulus, the video and anything else.
It ends up being a long, boring day.
~•~
When James gets back in his car after work, it’s pouring down. He pulls out his phone and sends a text to Regulus.
James: naughty ;)
James: sorry for disappearing. Colleagues were throwing me dirty looks. Just hopped in my car.
The drive home is unbearably slow because everyone becomes dumb behind the wheel when there’s rain apparently, and by the time he crosses his threshold, James just wishes to throw himself on the couch in front of the tv and forget his own existence.
But first he has to empty his bladder if he doesn’t want to leak on the couch and then eat something, as his stomach has been growling for a couple of hours now.
And when he finally gets on the couch with dinner, he watches again both of the videos Regulus sent him, relishing in the bubble of happy and loving feelings he’s simmering for the man. He hates that his brain is wired like that, imagining made-up scenarios about people catching his attention. He’s a pathetic romantic, he’s well aware of that. Would Regulus be that person for him? Maybe… James hopes so, but he also knows that he has to be more straightforward and honest if he wants to reach the next step with him.
James remembers that he also sort of promised the guy to send a video of him playing basketball, which could be a good deal-breaker, but he can’t bring himself to do it.
So instead he decides to call Lily.
“Jimmy Jam!” she yells on the other side and James immediately smiles. That nickname always melts his heart, even after years from their break up.
“Ohi, Lils! How are you?”
“Tired. And I just got back home. Had a quick dinner with Mary, we caught up on a few things”.
James has many thoughts about that, but he doesn’t voice them. It’s common knowledge in their friends’ group – Mary and Lily excluded – that there is something more than just friendship between the two girls, but they are oblivious to it. The reason why Mary can’t really grow an attachment or interest in any guy she dates, and why Lily doesn’t seem interested in dating at all. They always cling to one another and when in the same room, their eyes seek each other unaware. Mary has probably started to boil unconscious romantic feelings for Lily since school, and Lily… Well, Lily is a master when she wants to avoid things she is not ready to acknowledge. Unlike James who can’t hide or suppress what he feels even when it hurts him like hell.
“And how’s Mary?”
“Oh, you know Mary. Always dealing with more stuff than she can handle and skipping from one thing to another like a restless bee”.
“That’s what we like about her”.
“She makes a good entertainer”.
James laughs.
“What about you, Jamie? How have you been?”
“The same. Busy day at work and… nothing enthusiastic, really”.
“And how are things with lover boy?”
James draws in a deep breath. “Good, I think. And don’t call him that”.
Lily tuts. “Are you still on this virtual thingy?”
“Yes. We text everyday and FaceTime or call. It’s, well, you know how I can be… in any case, I think he might be into me too, but I don’t want to assume anything. He sent me a couple of videos where he dances and believe me, he’s fucking good and sexy…”.
“Videos where he dances?”
“Yeah, he’s a dancer. He’s a ballerina actually and he also teaches dancing classes…”.
“Wow, Jamie, that’s… I mean, I don’t want to stereotype, but I hope he isn’t one of those stuckups who talks about himself the whole time. You know, artists can be like that”.
“Oh, not at all. He’s very easy to talk to. Okay, he can be a bit grumpy, but… he’s sweet deep down and…”.
“Fucks, James! You are totally gone!”
James sighs and rubs a hand over his face, “Yeah. I am”.
“Did you talk about it? About these feelings or about… where do you see each other?”
“No and I don’t want to scare him or draw him away. Maybe he just wants a friendship and… I don’t know, Lily. I’m totally out of practice with this whole date ordeal”.
“Ask him out. Then you’ll see how he reacts”.
Easier said than done.
“Yes, I was thinking about doing that. It’s just…”. James hesitates, unsure of how to voice his true fear. But he doesn’t have to with Lily.
“Jamie, can I ask you a question?”
“You are already asking”.
“Hahah. Don’t start. It’s an important question”.
“Okay, shoot”.
There’s a moment of silence before Lily speaks again: “Did you tell him? About the wheelchair”.
James’s heart drops somewhere on the couch and he hears his voice tremble slightly. “No, I didn’t. Do you think I should? Maybe… maybe we won’t even meet, so…”.
“I don’t know, James. I’m not… it’s up to you, it’s your decision”.
James feels his frustration growing more and more. “Yeah, it is”.
They remain quiet for a while, both unsure of what more to say and deep in their thoughts, when James’s phone warns him of another incoming call. He looks down and reads Regulus’s name.
“Lils, sorry, I have to pick up another call. Talk to you later?”
“Yeah. Sure. Bye, James”.
James barely dismisses Lily, before answering with a perky tone.
“Hey!”
“Hi”.
Regulus’s voice never fails to flood him with that friendly reassurance that has become too familiar.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I just got on the couch. Don’t think I’m gonna get up”.
James chuckles. “Yeah, me too”.
“I didn’t interrupt anything, did I?”
“No, of course not. I was on the phone with a friend but… I can call her anytime”.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I—“.
“No, please, don’t be. It’s okay. I’m glad you called. And believe me, she’s not gonna get mad. Lily’s cool. She’s actually my ex but we broke up a few years ago and… we are very good friends so basically she keeps up with all my bullshit”. James stops talking when he realizes that he might have said too much. But this is what happens when he’s nervous and Regulus always makes him nervous.
He hears silence for a second on the other side. “Your ex, you said?”
“Yeah, but… Well, we haven’t been together for very long. We were teenagers”.
“Right”.
“Regs?” James ponders. His heart beats fast in his chest and he feels his breath staggering a bit. “Are you jealous?”
“What? No!”
“You are”, James utters through a smile.
“Fuck you! I am not”.
“This is the second time I’m making you jealous”.
“You are very close to being murdered, James. Beware”.
“A murder for passion. I’m sure Netflix will gladly make a series out of me”.
“You are unbelievable, you know that?”
James huffs. “Yeah, I’ve been told that”.
“Let’s change subject, can we? I’m too tired for this crap”.
There’s a beat before James asks: “So, how was your day?”
“It was okay. A lot of dancing. Yours?”
“Mmmh, nothing special. A lot of coding”. James rubs a hand over his eyes sending his glasses askew, then adds: “I do a desk job, basically. If any of us has something special to tell, that’s you, ballerina boy”.
He hears a muted laughter on the other side. “Believe me, it’s not as fun as people think it is. And I can’t believe that you have the courage to drive a car in London”.
James freezes for a moment. Again, Regulus is unconsciously offering him the chance to come clear and just tell him the real reason he prefers to drive the car instead of using public transport— because he can never be sure whether they’ll be accessible or not, so using a car is safer, but… For the umpteenth time the words die in his throat.
“I don’t have much to say in my defense”.
A longer silence sinks in. James tries to listen to the noises on the other side, but nothing comes except for Regulus’s slow breathing that becomes almost a lullaby and so he leans more comfortable in the pillows.
“James?” Regulus’s voice has a raspy undertone and James feels shivers running up his spine.
“Yeah?” He answers quietly.
“It’s just… These are like, like the best parts of my days. Talking to you. I always get home tired and just want to sleep, but… yeah, I like talking to you and… I’m sorry, I’m exhausted and I am blabbering so, just… don’t mind me, okay? You can forget about it”.
“No!” James almost yells in the phone and so he clears his throat and tries again. Oh, this is so going somewhere. “I don’t want to forget about it ‘cause… ‘cause I feel the same. And I like talking to you too. I would talk with you all day. I just want to know about your days, how you feel, if you ate… these kinds of things. I don’t want to be annoying”.
James hears a soft laughter on the other side.
“You are not annoying. Well, not in an annerving amount”, Regulus jokes. Then, he returns serious. “But what do you think if we maybe… move the talking to some other place rather than the phone? Like, a bar or… I don’t know, whatever you like”.
James suddenly stops breathing and has to sit upright. He runs his hand through his hair nervously.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!
“You… wha— you what?” He mumbles.
“I’m asking you out, James. Don’t be a teenager. You must know how this works, right?” The playful teasing in Regulus’s voice doesn’t have the same soothing effect as usual. James’s head is spinning with loud thoughts that howl all together at the same time and he can’t focus on a single coherent thing to say.
“When?”
“I don’t know? Maybe this Saturday?”
“Uhm”.
Fuck, James, tell him something. Tell him now! He needs to know. Tear the band aid.
“I don’t know”, he croaks out, words coming out on autopilot. “I have to see. I might— might be busy”.
“Oh, eh… Okay”. That sounds very much like disappointment. Regulus is disappointed.
James wants to cry and scream.
“But sure, I would like to meet you”.
Silence envelopes them again, this time awkward and tense.
“Well, I’m gonna go to bed”, Regulus says. “Goodnight, James”.
“Goodnight, Reg”.
And they end the call. Just like that.
James falls on his back on the couch, feeling like he just fucked up exponentially.