13
13
“Dad, I can’t feel my legs”, his voice comes out shaky and a bit raspy for how little he used it.
His dad squeezes his hand and puts the other hand on his son’s forehead, fingers moving through his hair, slowly and soothingly.
“It’s okay, James. It’s going to be okay”.
James’s breath shakes. That’s not the reply he was expecting.
There is something in his father’s eyes, a sort of sorrow and pain that he can’t place. Okay, he might just be worried and sorry because of the accident, but…
“Dad, what’s going on?”
Fleamont swallows, his Adam apple exposed above the shirt.
This is not good. Not at all. That look in his eyes — and not because of a lack of sleep. His dad has never been good at hiding stuff. They are the same in that.
“Please, dad, tell me”. James’s getting desperate now. And it has to do with his legs, the fact that he can’t feel them, can’t move them… The medicines have numbed him for a while, along with the coma and the shock of the accident, but now he’s getting back some consciousness and he is slowly moving his body, his arms, hands, everything but his legs.
“James, everything is going to be okay. Your mother and I are going to help you, okay? You don’t have to worry, we are…”.
Oh no no no no. What is he saying? He’s not making any sense.
What…
“Dad, please. Just tell me, please”. He’s begging now, getting nervous, agitated. “What’s wrong with my legs?”
And then… that look again. But ten times worse.
How could he not understand? It’s written all over his father’s face. James is just too in denial and in shock to admit it.
“I’m not going to walk again, is that it?” It’s a whisper. Or a whimper maybe. “I won’t be able to walk. Tell me”.
His father nods. Tears collect in his eyes. James has never seen his father cry.
“The doctors said…”. Fleamont starts, only to interrupt himself and rub a hand under his eyes. His other hand is still holding his son’s and he’s probably not even realizing how hard he’s squeezing. But James doesn’t care. He needs that touch now.
“What did the doctors say?”
He knows the answer. He knows it but he needs to hear it.
“You might be… Doctors are positive that you’ll remain paralysed. From the waist down. They still have to make sure of it, but… Yeah. I’m sorry, Jamie, I wish…”.
James hasn’t even realised that he has started to cry at some point until he heard himself exhaling a whimper. His father surges forward to take his face into his hands and try to comfort him.
“Oh, Jamie, love… shhh, don’t cry, it’s going to be fine. I promise. Don’t cry, son. I’ve got you”.
James is not really hearing him. He hears the words, he appreciates them but he can’t really believe them. It’s too much. This situation. This reality. His new reality.
His unmoving legs under the hospital blankets.
He buries his face in his father’s shirt and cries harder, unashamedly sobbing. He couldn’t care less if someone saw him crying like that. The fact that he just got the confirmation that he’s life as he knew it has completely gone has a much harder grip on his heart.
James can hear his father’s voice in his ears still whispering soothing words but he’s already gone deaf to them. Nothing can really comfort him right now.
~•~
James wakes up with a jolt, feeling sticky from sweat, his breath unsteady.
He is still trying to regain some consciousness and shake off that feeling of dread that always comes when he has a bad dream that feels too real.
He hasn’t dreamt of that day in a very long time. Why now? Maybe it’s because of his feelings for Regulus and the fear of telling him about his disability. All of that stress must have woken up those monsters he thought he put at bay.
And it’s not a good feeling.
The dream used to haunt him often after he got home from the hospital, with little changes everytime — sometimes it was his mom revealing him the truth, sometimes it was Sirius, once was Lily — and it took roots from a memory he will never be able to forget.
James has definitely not been eager to have it all over again.
Well, the more he thinks about it, the worse he’ll feel so better not to let it sink in the depths of his mind.
He throws a glance at the clock and sees that’s still early. Since he won’t be able to fall asleep again, James starts to get up, deciding for a session at the gym. Some exercise might help him forget the nightmare and ease some of the tension.
While making coffee and some breakfast, he watches the video of Regulus dancing to Smooth Criminal and this helps him ease off a bit and forget about the dream, even though still feeling a bit shaken up.
And he isn’t even sure why, that’s what he hates the most. It’s been already ten years, his life has moved forward, he’s happy and in a good place and has learnt to navigate a life in a wheelchair — he even came to appreciate it quite a lot.
He hates this feeling, it’s like a step back. But his therapist said that it’s normal and that he shouldn’t repress anything. Sometimes, even though we have learnt to deal with the trauma and had put it away, it still comes out to haunt us from time to time, when certain events happen for example, something significant.
James knows it has mainly to do with Regulus. He is positive there are feelings blooming on the other’s side too — he might not be sure to what degree, but there’s no way Regulus is texting him and calling him and saying those things out of a random friendship. And it’s scaring, it’s fucking scaring. He wants to ask Regulus out, to finally meet — they live in the same city for God’s sake! — but it would mean exposing himself and finding out whether what he’s been dreading will come true or not.
All this overthinking is gonna kill him, isn’t it?
James parks in front of the gym and pulls out his phone, opening his chat with Regulus.
James: Good morning. I hope you slept well :)
Sure that the boy won’t reply but in a few hours, James puts away the phone and starts assembling the wheelchair outside the car.
His gym session goes smoothly as always and Benji has to take care of other clients too — there are rare days when James isn’t the only early gym-attendant — and he finally gets back to his car.
When he checks his phone again, there’s a new text from Regulus.
Regulus: don’t skip leg day if you are going to the gym ;)
James leans against the seat and sighs. This could be his chance. Regulus has served it on a golden platter.
So he starts typing…
James: too bad my legs decided to stop working ten years ago.
It’s good, it gives a hint but without giving too much explanation, offering Regulus the chance to ask questions or to come to his own conclusions.
He lingers with his thumb over the send button. And lingers. And lingers.
James doesn’t press it. He deletes the message and types something else.
James: aaaaww thank you for worrying <3
He sends that and then sighs again, this time with more frustration. He then puts the phone away and starts the car, forcing his mind to not think about it.
~•~
All in all it’s a good day. Regulus texts him more than usual, but they stray to other topics so James doesn’t think about the joke he made that morning and the job keeps him pretty busy and with the new game they have to develop, he dives deep into the coding stuff.
When he finally gets back home, he is tired but in a good manner.
His phone chimes with a notification and James brightens up when he reads Regulus’s name.
Regulus: just finished rehearsals. And have modern dance with the teens in a couple of hours. Kill me :(
James: I’m not gonna do that!! Who will bother me then?
Regulus: I’m sure my ghost will haunt you.
James: oh, I don’t doubt that.
James starts preparing his dinner when he remembers something else.
James: just, don’t forget to eat something :)
Regulus: gonna grab a slice of pizza before class. That enough?
James: make it two. Or three.
Regulus: hey!! I have a diet.
James: can’t have the ballerina faint on the stage.
James chuckles under his breath and starts eating. Yeah, he definitely wants to meet Regulus, to have this kind of conversation in real life and watch him smile in front of him and not through a screen. He will ask him out, eventually, if Regulus doesn’t.
He will. And he will tell him everything.
Regulus: probably won’t have time to call you tonight. I’m gonna be knackered by the time I get back.
James: that’s fine. Just text me that you are home safe.
Regulus: aren’t you a momma type?
James: yeah, I was told that already ;)
Regulus: :)
James checks his other messages and goes through his friends’ group chat.
Peter: guys, have you ever met someone who could burn pasta?
Mary: Petey, did you burn pasta??
Peter: maybe I did, maybe I didn’t.
Marls: how can someone burn pasta? I understand overcooking it or undercooking it. But burning it…
Sirius: it happened to me too, Petey. Don’t worry, you are not alone <3 <3 <3
Peter: oh god, now I feel even more stupid.
Sirius: hey!!!
Remus: Petey, ;D
Sirius: Moony!!!???
Dorcas: high five, Pete!!!
James: Pete, you could have always fucked up an omelette. That takes a genius to get wrong.
Sirius: I’m gonna leave this chat.
Mary: no, Sirius, no!! We love you.
Sirius: traitors!! Scumbags!! That’s all you are >.<
Remus: he’s pouting.
Sirius: and you are the worst, Moony.
James: leave my baby Pads, alone.
Sirius: thank you, Prongs.
Lily: I still don’t understand why you guys aren’t married.
Sirius: ‘cause Jamsie is my platonic love, Moony is my dirty love :-)
Mary: shut up, Sirius! We don’t want to know.
Marls: James, where’ve you been all day?
James: some of us are responsible working adults u.u
Marls: hahahah yeah yeah.
Mary: James is busy cheating us with his new lover boy.
James: so, am I not allowed to get laid?
Mary: OH MY GOD YOU ARE ALREADY FUCKING HIM!???
Marls: James, what the fuck?????
James smacks himself on the head mentally for the accidental bomb he just dropped in the group chat. False bomb.
His phone keeps buzzing.
Lily: this is juicy stuff, please, James, explain yourself.
James: oh gosh, guys!! We are not fucking. We haven’t even met yet. I was just saying hypothetically.
Mary: so you want to hypothetically fuck him.
James: I want to fuck him. Yes.
Marls: ugh!! I was already getting the popcorn.
Sirius texts him moments later.
Sirius: so there are news about lover boy ;)
James: not much, really. We have been texting and FaceTiming.
Sirius: really???? Is he… cool?
James: fuck yes!! Gosh, you have no idea.
Sirius: hahahahaha please, don’t come over the phone. Do you want to meet him?
James: yeah. I mean, I am not sure yet what he thinks of the whole situation but… I would really like it.
Sirius: ask him :)
James ponders about asking Sirius for advice about the best way to tell Regulus about his disability and all that, but he already knows what Sirius would tell him: “just tell him and if he reacts badly it means he is a dick and he doesn’t deserve you”.
Sirius wouldn’t understand the whole truth, the whole complexity about the situation he finds himself in. It’s not merely “what if a cool guy rejected me?”. It’s about “what if a cool guy rejected me for something I can’t change and that represents a deep part of myself?”
It wouldn’t be the first time and James isn’t sure if he would be able to mend himself this time around.
James: I’ll ask him.
When the group chat has finally quieted down and James is in his bed, ready to put his phone down, Regulus texts him again.
Regulus: I’m home safe and sound.
James smiles with affection and longing.
James: good. Goodnight, Regs.
Regulus: goodnight, James.