12
12
When the alarm blows off, James wakes up well rested and grabs his phone to turn it off. He rubs a hand over his eyes and stares at the ceiling for a moment. Then, looks at the phone screen. There’s a message from Regulus.
James squints his eyes to read it without glasses.
Regs: I’m sorry I didn’t say anything when you sent the photo... I’m bad at this sort of things.
Regs: I think you are very fit. And handsome. Yeah. I like you very much…
Regs: oh fuck! Ignore those msgs.
A smile blooms over James’s lips. A big, bright smile.
So Regulus likes him. He likes him very much.
James lets the phone fall on the covers and exhales a huff of contentment. And of nervousness too.
No way he is going to ignore that confession. But also, he needs to craft his response cautiously. Regulus has given himself away and he has to let him know that he appreciates and that the thing is reciprocated, but without scaring him away or making him feel pressured.
This will change things between them though. Or it won’t? James wants things to change, he wants them to move forward but also, he’s scared shitless.
With a sigh, he transfers to his wheelchair and goes through his morning routine.
Then, he gets in his car and drives through London traffic with some energetic music to distract himself, until he reaches the gym.
Some working out might help him make up his mind about how to respond to Regulus, so he passes from one equipment to the other, focused and unrelenting, making some small talk with Benji.
“You are doing better with this”, the trainer says enthusiastically when James gets up from the weight bench.
“Thanks”, James huffs, slightly out of breath.
“Wanna do some more or…?”
“Naaah! I’ve gotta go to work”.
“See you tomorrow then?”
“Probably yeah”.
James heads to the changing rooms and uses some wet wipes to clean himself up — unfortunately the gym doesn’t have an accessible shower — and changes his clothes. He checks himself in the mirror before going: he knows he isn’t doing so bad for himself, even though he doesn’t like being vain. The exercise did help him build up some muscle, to define his abs and pecs and grow his biceps. He has bittersweet feelings towards his legs and his wheelchair though. There are better days and worse days and it’ll always be like that and it mostly has to do with those limitations society puts in front of him that he can’t overcome or with how other people view him.
He’s thinking of Regulus when he puts his jacket on, so when he gets back in his car, he pulls out the phone and re-reads the message.
It makes him smile again. What a nice way to start a Monday! What a nice way to start the week!
He starts texting.
James: no way I am ignoring this!!!! It’s a nice thing to find waking up :)
James: thank you.
Is this enough? Could he have said more? James starts the car and drives to work before overthinking it too much.
He arrives at destination and immediately goes to his post, turning on the computer and typing strings of codes. The usual stuff. He remembers that Caradoc wants to do a meeting that day after lunch.
But James struggles to focus, his mind replaying the conversations he had with Regulus and the message of that morning and he keeps throwing glances at his phone but still no answer comes from the other guy. He hopes Regs didn’t decide to disappear.
The happiness of this blossoming relationship is sometimes intertwined with the fear and the anxiety of that dire situation James doesn’t know how to tackle. Or even if it has any sense tackling. Regulus hasn’t given him any indication of wanting to meet, but then, James might ask him out too and just… dive head first into this.
Gosh! What a mess he is!!! The James before the wheelchair wasn’t all this insecure and definitely wouldn’t think twice before acting.
How life can change…
“James!”
James lifts his eyes to Valentina.
“I need a hand. I’m trying to write some codes but something’s wrong and I can’t find what. It’s driving me nuts”.
James wheels towards his colleague and looks at her computer screen.
“See here?” She shows him the problem and James’s eyes rest on the screen for a bit, quietly checking what’s wrong.
Then, he points something with his index. “Here! You skipped a space”.
Valentina’s eyes bulge out. “Oh fuck!”
She immediately goes to the keyboard and starts typing. Then, a smile appears on her face. “Oh my God! Thank you, James! That was such a stupid mistake”.
James chuckles. “Naaah. It wasn’t. After some time, all these letters and symbols start to not make sense so… it’s normal”.
She smiles even wider, looking at him. “Thank you though”.
“No problem”. James goes back to his desk.
~•~
On lunch break, James and Frank are the first to reach the common room.
James unpacks his lunch while Frank sits at the big table, waiting for his food to heat in the microwave.
“Hey, James! You okay?”
“Yeah! You?”
“Great! Saw the game last Saturday. You did great”.
“Thank you”.
The microwave blips and Frank retrieves his food. The two of them eat in silence for a while.
“James…”, Frank calls, a bit hesitant. James looks at him with curiosity. “I hope this doesn’t sound… intrusive, but… Did you notice that Valentina might have a thing for you?”
James blinks a few times and looks at the other man as if he’s grown two heads. “What!?”
“Thought so!”
“What are you on about, Frank?”
“I mean… Why do you sound so surprised? It wouldn’t be so weird. The way she acts around you-“.
“But I thought she had a boyfriend”.
“They broke up months ago”.
James considers that news for a moment. “I’m sorry to hear that but… I don’t think she has a thing for me… why- why should she?”
Frank scoffs. “C’mon! Maybe you don’t notice but your tables happen to be in my view and… Believe me, the way she sometimes throws glances at you and… She always asks how are you and how your days are going and… Should I even mention that scene before?”
James leans against his wheelchair. This sounds kind of absurd. He’s never noticed such things but then, he can be a bit oblivious.
“That’s just polite conversation. And before… She just struggled to find what the problem in her coding was”.
Frank tuts. “There is a perfect distinction between polite small talk and someone who is really interested in your day. And regarding Valentina, I’d bet she’s in the latter one. Besides, Valentina isn’t that dumb. She could spot her own mistakes very well. She just wanted an excuse to talk to you”.
James goes for a reply but stops, mouth slightly open. Maybe Frank isn’t all that wrong but… Why him?
“Okay, let’s say it’s true… Why me though? She could have… anyone”.
Frank sighs and puts down his fork. “Let’s be honest… I am as straight as one can be but I too can admit that you are handsome and fit. And a girl like Valentina could definitely find you attractive. Besides, you are the only one who is single here and of her age. And I might not know her very well, but she seems like someone who is ready for a long-term steady relationship and is sniffing around”.
James keeps eating, slowly and silently. This whole conversation sounds… Baffling. He replays the interaction with Valentina they had before and all the others and… Well, he won’t admit it completely but maybe Frank isn’t all that crazy.
He feels the other man’s eyes on him.
“I know what you are thinking about and no, I’m not letting you contemplate that”.
“What? I haven’t said anything”.
“C’mon, James. I’ve been with Alice for years and at the beginning of our relationship, she was scared shitless that her disability would be a burden to me and that I would reject her because of it at some point”.
James looks at Frank feeling totally naked. Frank is facing him with a mix of tenderness and sympathy.
James sighs dejectedly. “Guilty”.
“Not all people are so stupid to not be able to glide over something like that”.
“It’s just that… I had some bad experiences. That’s all”.
They stay silent for a moment.
“So, what do you think of Valentina?”
James chuckles. “She’s nice and all, but…”.
“You are not interested”, Frank concludes for him.
“Yeah. And…”. James bites his lower lip considering whether to tell him about Regulus or not. But he already told Alice so… “I’ve been- I’ve been talking someone lately and… I don’t know what will be of it, but I really like this person and I’d like to try to see where that gets me”.
Frank’s eyes bulge and he smiles widely. “Oh wow! Didn’t know that. I should have kept my mouth shut about Valentina”.
“Oh no, not at all! It’s best to know. At least, I won’t be taken by surprise if she attempts something more”.
Frank laughs. “Yeah! I guess”.
At that moment, Valentina steps into the room and the two men immediately shush, both wearing expressions of not-so-innocent conspirators. The girl throws them a puzzled look but they feign nonchalance, hiding smirks behind their food.
The rest of the day passed by with that usual Monday boring pace. The meeting didn’t last long — Caradoc always assures to remain on the points and not waste too much time — and the time to clock off finally arrives.
James gets in his car and checks his phone. Regulus still hasn’t replied and it keeps him just slightly on edge.
~•~
James opens his friends’ chat group and scrolls through the messages.
Sirius: Moony is being mean to me again :(
Mary: Sirius, did you forget to wash the dishes again?
Sirius: I might have………..
Dorcas: Remus, you have our permission to beat his ass.
Marlene: I’ll hold him down ;)
Sirius: why are you so mean to me???!!! ;(((((
James: hey, hands off of Pads!!
Sirius: thanks, Prongs!!! I love youuuu <3333
Mary: what are you gonna do, James?? Wheel all over us??
James: Britney’ll crash all of your feet!!
Peter sends a few gifs — Michael Jackson eating popcorns from the Thriller music video, the little girl in front of her burning house — that make James cackle.
Then, Regulus’s name pop above the phone screen and he is quick to dismiss the chat group.
Regulus: put down your ego. You were lucky I was in an inebriated state.
James: oh, a drunk Regs. How I wish to see that.
Regs: keep wishing.
James: you write good when drunk…
Regs: thank god for that!!!! Being drunk isn’t an excuse to sound illiterate.
James: I’ll remember that next time when I’m drunk ;)
Regs: I bet you write incomprehensible things.
James: not sure I should confirm that :P
Regs: u.u
James thinks about something else to add to keep the conversation alive when, moments later, another message arrives that takes him by surprise.
Regs: can we videocall?
Oh. Okay. So he wants to do this now. Wow!! This is going pretty fast and James isn’t sure he’s totally ready. But… life’s short, right? And… he wouldn’t mind seeing that pretty face again.
James: give me a sec.
James wheels towards the couch and transfers quickly, finding a comfortable position. Then, he puts on his earphones.
James: ready.
Just a minute later, Regulus’s call arrives. James has to steady his shaking hands before replying.
It takes a moment for the other boy’s face to appear due to the connection but then… Oh, James wants to die. He’s just so… Fucking beautiful.
James runs a hand through his hair nervously.
“Hey”.
“Hi”.
“You good?”
“I’m okay. Tired. You?”
“Same”.
They remain quiet for a moment, looking at each other from across the screen and James thinks how badly he wants to caress that face, kiss those lips…
“So, are we gonna talk about you finding me handsome?”
Regulus pouts. “We said that we weren’t going to mention that”.
“You said that. I don’t remember agreeing”.
“I can easily kill you then and hide your body”.
James cackles. “It’ll be a worthy death”.
Regulus shakes his head but he seems rather amused. “So, how’s been your day?”
“Oh, nice way to change the subject. But good, thanks. How was yours?”
“Had rehearsals for the recital this morning and then dance teaching this afternoon, so half my body is in pain and the other half is probably paralyzed or something”.
James flinches slightly at the word paralyzed and thinks that he could easily make a joke now and reveal the big truth, but… He doesn’t. And makes sure that the wheelchair isn’t in view.
“So sorry about that. I could give you a massage”.
“Wouldn’t you like that?”
“Hmm maybe”.
Talking to Regulus is so easy, even replying to his jabbings. James could do this all night.
“By the way, do you wanna know something fun?”
Regulus looks up at him with a raised eyebrow. “What?”
“Apparently a colleague of mine has a crush on me”.
This seems to peak Regulus’s interest. “Uhm, okay”.
“I’m not sure, but another colleague suspects it. He told me actually, I never noticed anything. He says that she’s been looking at me way too much and today she asked my help for something she could have solved easily”.
“Hmm”.
It’s hard to understand what Regulus is thinking right now, if the information is having any kind of effect on him or if he is totally indifferent. James decided to put Alice's suggestion in plan — the whole reason why he told him that — but maybe it’s going to be harder than he thinks.
“And… do you- I mean, do you like her too or…?”
James tries not to smile. “Well, she’s nice and good company. But no, I don’t really like her in that sense”.
Regulus nods looking down. “Okay, well… Tough luck for her”.
James cocks his head on one side and adjusts the phone in his hand. “Ohhh, don’t be jealous”.
Regulus frowns. “I’m not jealous”.
“I sense jealousy there, Regs”.
“Pffft!! Shut up and get your head out of your arse”.
James bursts out laughing. He’s having such a good time. And maybe he is a bit oblivious sometimes, but if that reddish shade on Regulus’s cheeks wasn’t jealousy… Well, he might just throw himself in the Thames.
“Come and help me”, James says, mischievously.
Regulus scoffs. “Are you sure your friends hang out with you because they like you? Maybe it’s just for pity”.
“My friends find me very funny”.
“One day I’ll ask them and we’ll see”.
Regulus yawns and James immediately understands that it’s time for goodbyes. It makes his heart ache a bit but this conversation was satisfying and revealing that he won’t complain.
“You wanna sleep?”
“Yeah, maybe I should go. I have to shower too”.
“Don’t fall asleep in the shower”.
“Wouldn’t be the first time”.
“Regs”.
“What?”
James falters for a moment, unsure if it would be appropriate to say the words he’s thinking. After a moment, he decides it wouldn’t be so bad. So, with softness in his voice, he says: “Take care, okay? And eat, if you haven’t eaten”.
A ghost of a tender smile appears on Regulus’s beautiful face. “Don’t worry. I’m fine. And I’ve eaten”.
“I’m glad. Goodnight, then”.
“Goodnight, James”.
They close the call and James lets his head fall against the backrest of the couch, too stunned and happy to move now.
Fuck you, Regulus! What did you do to me?