11
11
On Sunday, James wakes up in a good mood. He gets up pretty early for a Sunday morning and prepares a conspicuous breakfast for himself, taking his time to eat it, while scrolling through the Instagram feed and other social media.
He then washes the dishes and does some chores around the house — laundry and bathroom cleaning mostly. Then, he sits on the couch and reads some tech articles and news about new apps and videogames. Yeah, he kind of has a fixation for that stuff but it’s also his job and is good to be informed.
He also ponders about texting Regulus but refrains from it, thinking that maybe he could still be resting or busy otherwise. He’ll wait for the other one to reach out.
Then, James remembers the promise he made to call his mum so he takes his phone and dials her number.
“Hi, sweetheart”, Effie’s voice pierces through his ear after the second ring.
“Hey, mum! What’s up?”
“All is good. How are you?”
“I’m fine. A bit bored actually”.
“You know you can come visit us if you want”.
James chuckles. “What? I went to live on my own just to bother you everyday?”
His mother laughs. She has a very bright, contagious smile. “Oh, sweetie. If you decided to come back home we would love to have you”.
James exhales a loving and tender huff. “I know. I know”. And he knows it even without his mother telling him. They would be fine with him not leaving their house at all. But, he needed independence after the accident, he needed to see whether he would make it on his own. And for now, things have been working in his favor.
“Your dad says hi”.
“Hi, dad”.
“And, good game yesterday. It was fun to watch”.
“Thanks, mum. It was fun to play”.
“Are you planning on seeing your friends today?”
James pinches the bridge of his nose and takes off his glasses. “I didn’t have anything planned but maybe I’ll call Sirius later, see what he and Remus are up to”.
“Good, good”.
They exchange a few more pleasantries and some gossip from his mother's side, before closing the call.
When James puts down the phone, he looks at the computer again but his focus has gone. He closes it and checks the time. It’s already lunchtime but he is not hungry.
So, he turns on the PlayStation and goes for a round of a videogame he hasn’t played in a while. But he turns it off after not even an hour.
His brain seems to be incapable of focusing on a single thing that day, skimming through different events: yesterday’s game, the new videogame they have to develop at work, some coding stuff, his friends’ shenanigans and Regulus. Regulus always peers inside his mind, always interrupting his string of thoughts. He tries to push him away sometimes because this obsession, these made-up scenarios he’s started creating are only adding to the risk of a possible heartbreak.
He looks outside and sees dark clouds looming over the sky. A storm might be preparing to come. Then, his phone rings.
James picks it up hastily, almost tossing it away in the process, hoping for Regulus’s name to appear on the display. But it’s Sirius.
“Pads! Hey”.
“Hi, Prongs”.
“You good?”
“Yeah! You?”
“Ughhhh! Kind of. Hey, do you mind if Moony and I come by? I would like a chat”.
James furrows his brow. “Sure”.
“Cool! We’ll be there in half an hour”.
When they end the call, James remains still for a few seconds, thinking: Sirius sounded definitely off on the phone and he rarely asks to talk or chat that explicitly. Something is up and James is worried a little bit. Surely, it might be something simple and easily resolved, but Sirius is his best friend, brother, and James doesn’t like it when he is distressed in any way. He only hopes there aren’t issues between him and Remus.
James hops on his wheelchair and goes to the stoves to prepare some tea.
~•~
Sirius doesn’t knock when he arrives because he uses his key and the tea is steaming hot when he and Remus make their way to the kitchen.
“What did you do today?” Sirius asks, the cup between his hands, like James and Remus.
James knows that his best friend is just buying his time, but he replies politely nevertheless, leaving to Sirius to decide when he feels ready to dive into serious talk. No pun intended.
“Nothing special. Did laundry, played a videogame, called my mum. Usual Sunday stuff. What about you?”
“I made Sirius clean the cupboard”, Remus says with a smirk.
James chuckles. “Really? What did you promise him? Or what did you threaten him with?”
Sirius rolls his eyes. “He’s just an evil little shit”.
“And you love me nonetheless”.
Sirius sighs but his eyes are full of affection when they land on his boyfriend.
James watches them fondly. And feels a pang on his heart. It’s things like this that he’s been missing the most lately and everytime he watches Sirius and Remus or Dorcas and Marlene interact with each other he can’t help but feel jealous. He’s happy for them but witnessing the love between his friends only makes him wish for the same. It’s the only thing he lacks in his life right now and he’s ready for it, fully ready. He has a house, a steady job, a good income so really, what more could he offer? Well… if it only wasn’t for a little detail that he can’t dismiss.
But people are so easy to judge.
Almost unconsciously, his gaze moves to the phone on the table, too quiet for his liking. Would Regulus be easy to judge too? Or would he be able to accept the two wheels under his butt?
“So, Pads… what has your mind so wrangled up?” James tries then, tentatively.
Sirius exhales a heavy sigh and slumps against the chair. “I… met my brother. Yesterday”.
A beat.
“Oookay”. James nudges him to go on.
“And… I found out that he isn’t speaking to our parents anymore”. The words come out slowly and uncertainly from Sirius’s mouth and he isn’t looking at either James or Remus.
James bites his lip, considering what he just heard.
“Did he tell you that?”
“Yeah. Well, mostly because I pushed him but… Apparently he just left, disappeared on them. He left a message, though, so they wouldn’t call the police. And stayed in the States for a few years, enough for the waters to calm down”.
James furrows his brows. “Wow! Sounds like a… Dostojevskian drama”.
Sirius snorts. “Kind of, yeah. But drama has always been a thing in the Black household”.
They remain quiet for a moment. James looks at Remus but can’t tell what he’s thinking. He probably already knows this story.
“And how do you feel about it?”
Sirius sighs again, resting his chin on his hands. “I don’t know… I’m confused. I know we haven’t talked for a very long time, but… I don’t know, maybe a part of me wished… Wished that he would come to me. But he has his life and his friends and… I wasn’t part of that so”. Sirius shrugs dejectedly and James feels his heart constrict for his friend. “I know he hates me for leaving him behind”.
“I’m sure he doesn’t”.
“You don’t know him, Prongs”.
“I might not know him, but… You had your reasons for leaving and he didn’t want to follow. You were both kids and yeah, maybe there is still some resentment for what happened but now, with both of you free of your parents’ clutches, it’s easier to talk freely and express how you felt. He’s back in town now, so… You have time to talk it through. Just… be patient”.
Sirius turns to James, the first time he looks at him since this conversation started. “You know patience is not my expertise”.
James chuckles. “I know, but now you need it”.
“James’s right, love”, Remus interjects, taking one of Sirius’s hands. “Your brother leaving your parents is a positive thing and it means something. Take it one step at a time”.
“Step by step, right?”
“Right”.
Sirius’s lips turn in a little smile and that’s enough for James to feel relieved. He didn’t need to worry all that much. Not that this issue with the brother is unimportant, but no one is dying or is finding themselves in a dire situation, so it’s still solvable. That’s always been James’s forte: as long as the situation wasn’t totally life-changing, there was nothing to worry about. And he survived a life-changing event, so he has a right to talk about it.
Sirius and Remus remain a bit more and they talk about other topics, about their other friends too and James could see that his best friend has started looking more relaxed and tenseless, so when they left, he let him go feeling tranquil.
He is really hoping Sirius will mend the relationship with his brother and he meant the words he said. It’s so evident how Sirius hasn’t forgotten him nor let him in the past. He might have erased all his family but his brother is a different thing.
James starts to wash the tea cups when his phone rings. He checks the caller and his heart makes a double jump when he sees it’s Regulus.
“Hi!”
“Hey! Am I interrupting something?”
“No, I was just washing some dishes. You okay?”
A small second passes before Regulus replies. “I’m hiding from my friends”.
James chuckles. “How so?”
“They are being little shits. They are always little shits, but today more than usual”.
James wheels back to the table while holding the phone. “Do you need rescue?”
Regulus sighs. “Maybe. Maybe I’ll need help hiding their bodies. Are you good at shoveling, James?”
James considers his answer. “Hmm I’m not sure. But I have a big trunk”.
A sudden commotion comes from the other line and James tries to listen carefully. It seems that something is going on wherever Regulus is and he hears his voice in the distance… threatening someone?
“Hi!”
James frowns and leans against his wheelchair. That female voice is definitely not Regulus.
“Uhm, hi?”
“Sorry, it’s Pandora. I’m Reggie’s friend. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t some kind of weirdo taking advantage of my best friend”.
James chuckles. Even though the sentence might have sounded unfriendly, her tone was light and half-joking. But James appreciates that Regulus has someone worrying for him like he has.
“Don’t worry, I’m not taking advantage of him. As for the weirdo thing… well, I might be a little weird, but not in any creepy way”.
“Hmmm. Someone who is taking advantage could say that”, Pandora says, pensively.
“Cross my heart, hope to die”.
“You know, James, you and Reggie should exchange pictures. You shouldn’t let him daydream about you like a hopeless man…”.
James feels his stomach twist in a knot and he is about to say something when he hears Regulus’s voice close to the phone: “Pan, give me the phone!”
There is some commotion again and then Regulus is back on the line again: “Sorry, gosh!! That was totally… fucked up”.
James bursts out laughing. “It was actually fun. Tell Pandora it was nice talking to her”.
“If she survives today”.
“Ooohh, don’t kill her. It’s nice having a friend who worries for you”.
“She’s more curious than worried”.
“Still…”.
James falters for words, still thinking about Pandora’s last words and he’s about to ask Regulus if he wanted a picture — maybe she said that because Regulus was complaining about not knowing what James looks like — but then Regulus speaks again: “I gotta go. I have three people to punish for their nosiness. I’ll text you later”.
“Yeah, okay”.
They close the call and James exhales a loaded sigh, running a hand through his hair.
~•~
Once cozy and warm on the couch, with a blanket and ready to start a new tv show, James takes his phone and puts it near him in case Regs calls or texts.
He’s almost done with the first episode when the phone chimes with a message.
Regs: sorry again for my friend today.
James smiles. He isn’t angry at all, his friends would be acting the same if he had revealed too much.
James: don’t worry about it. It was fun. And this Pandora seems nice.
Regs: she is. Well, mostly. I think sometimes she considers herself a sort of mum. She’s the one making sure I have food in my fridge.
James: oh, I have to thank her then :)
James looks up, rubs his chin for a moment in thought, then decides to take a risk.
James: this means you have talked about me to your friends ;)
Regs: oh, don’t flatter your ego now. I said you are a weird loner obsessed with me >.<
James: hahhaha sure, and I’m gonna believe that?
Regs: suit yourself :)
Regs: it’s just that my friends and I don’t have many secrets.
James: I kind of have the feeling that our friends would get along quite well.
James checks other chats; his friends have been chatting about something in the group chat with a wide amount of memes, but he decide that he doesn’t have the energy to participate.
James: by the way, Pandora told me that I should send you a picture of myself.
Regs: don’t mind her. You don’t have to do that.
James: but do you want it?
Regs: it’s not necessary, really.
James: you sent me that video so it would be only fair.
Regs: yeah but my face wasn’t that visible.
James stops to think. He did have a glimpse of Regulus but doesn’t really know what his face looks like. So he would be lying if he didn’t admit that he is a bit dying to see him properly. And also a bit scared. But he knows that he has to give something in exchange.
With his heart pounding in his chest, James starts typing.
James: look, I think that by now, we can be safe to know what the other one looks like. But only if you are comfortable. No pressure.
The reply doesn’t come immediately. Not even after ten minutes, so James exhales a small sigh of disappointment and puts the phone aside. Maybe Regulus doesn’t really want it and he is just risking to fuck this up.
James is about to tell him to forget it when the phone chimes again.
Regs: okay, let’s do it.
Oh fuck! Now you dance, Potter.
James: you sure?
Regs: yeah. I am actually curious to know what you look like.
James: okay, I am going first.
James inhales and exhales a deep breath, nervous. His hands are trembling. There are many ways he could do this. He could send a selfie of just his face. Or… he could include his wheelchair too and finally reveal this elephant in the room that has been weighing on his chest for days now.
But is he ready to risk it now? Is he ready to risk it ever? It doesn’t feel like the right time, he should investigate more about Regulus, try to understand him better and how open minded he is. Then, eventually, he could be the one to back off.
Neither feels like a good idea.
James pulls off the blanket and opens the first two buttons of the shirt exposing just the right amount of skin and then positions the phone in front of his face, camera on, taking the picture. He tries to look as natural as possible but selfies are so weird. He feels back in his teens again.
And the picture is sent.
He locks the phone screen and breathes slowly, forcing his heart to slow down. It’s just a picture. Just a picture. And he isn’t all that bad. His face isn’t, at least.
Regs: you wear glasses!!
James furrows his brows quizzically. Not the response he expected but he can work with that.
James: yeah, at home mostly. Usually I wear contacts.
Regs: such a nerd.
James: is that a compliment or…?
Regs: well, never said I didn’t like nerds ;)
Regs: hold on, I’m sending mine.
James keeps the phone in front of his face, fingers nervously tapping on the cover. He has a feeling that Regulus is a very good-looking guy and that it’ll send his confidence down the drain.
When the picture finally arrives, James forgets to breathe for an instant.
Regulus is… he is… how can he describe him? Divine? Divine beauty? Something like that. Black curls framing his perfect, pale face, storm-gray eyes, thick eyelashes and a pair of cheekbones that could cut a finger. James would cut his fingers gladly just to touch those cheekbones. Is this some sort of gift fate sent him? Or maybe a punishment. His confidence isn’t gone down the drain: it’s been kicked and punched, blown up to million pieces and buried 20 feet under the ground.
How can he compete with this?
He remembers suddenly that he should respond.
James: fuck!
Regs: good fuck or bad fuck?
James: good. Definitely good. You are very beautiful.
Regs: thank you. I know though hahhaha.
James: also very modest.
Regs: believe me, sometimes I despise my looks.
James: thought it opened many doors.
Regs: well, it does. Just too many.
James pauses to ponder about these last words and the real meaning behind them, but decides to let them go.
James: well, another step is done.
Regs: yeah…
After that, they exchange goodbyes. Or, well, Regulus bids his goodnight and James doesn’t try to keep him on the phone — even if a part of him wants to. He’s just too much caught in his head with too many thoughts to unwrap. And a big, crashing feeling of being a fraud.