shattered
The book release is getting closer and closer. If he had any say in it anymore he would push it off. Everything is mostly done and ready for it. All of his parts are set. The date is set and can’t be changed. His feelings haven’t changed at all during this process, he just keeps being pushed to keep going. In hopes that something will change.
It hasn’t. The pit in his stomach has only gotten bigger.
As much as possible he ignores that it’s happening. The preview of the copies already came in and he approved them. Easy to do since it just follows the style of the series. James has read it and he doesn’t care what anyone has to say about it other than him. There’s not much left for him to think about with the release. Just the impending doom of his birthday on the horizon when this becomes publicly available. Press and promotion is starting and he hates it.
All that to say, he still has a meeting with Dorcas today. Apparently there are details to finalise about the launch party and whatever else she’s doing for the book. Despite him only attending as a guest and not the author, he still has to help with. He’s considering not going at all, so what does it matter to him? It doesn’t, it didn’t for any of the others. And yet…
While in the car on the way to her office, she calls. Which can’t mean anything good or helpful. “Reg, hey. Are you on your way?”
“Yes… Why?” His eyes narrow.
“Can you reroute? One of the publishers scheduled a big meeting at the office for the biggest author we have and they want all other meetings to be off site.” She spits all of this out in one breath.
He nearly laughs at the audacity, but he doesn’t. “I’m your office’s biggest author.”
“Anyway,” Dorcas brushes him off. “I already went home for the day because of that, could you come here instead?”
“Fine, but you owe me.” Regulus adds just to make a point.
The meeting ends up being mostly pointless, much to his annoyance. He definitely could have stayed home. Half of the things he needs to review were at Dorcas’ office and the rest he could have just approved over the phone or by email. He does quite like Dorcas and when they aren’t talking about his books that are overly personal, he considers her a friend. Working together is where they hit a snag. It’s a good thing that this is his last book.
She’s great with him about that too. Never pushing for more than he wants to share but knowing when he’s simply being stubborn for the sake of it. Today they had to go through a guest list for the launch, he would have been signing some copies if they were at the office, and a handful of other things that mostly just bore him. His part, the writing, is all done. Everything else is outside of his realm. Regulus would rather just wave his hand and tell someone else to decide it all.
He spends most of this time thinking about what comes next. Usually a thought that he pushes so far away that he can barely reach it because, really, he could just carry on without something else. He hates that idea though. What is he without writing? It’s been an escape for him for as long as he can remember, and from that he pulled this series. He doesn’t even know if he could write anything else, this is all he knows.
“Earth to Regulus… I asked you a question.”
“Oh, can you repeat it?”
She sighs, shaking her head. “When next week can you come in to do the signed copies? I’ll make sure to reserve some space and–”
“Take all the necessary precautions to protect my pen name. Right, I know the drill. Let’s do Thursday, send me the details. Why didn’t we, and by we I mean you , plan for this better? You hate working from home.”
Even when he is calling in to meetings with her, she’s at the office. Except for lately, she seems to be there less and less. A small part of him is curious and wants to dig for more details. He can’t help but enjoy whatever drama and gossip he can get his hands on. Plus the way Dorcas visibly freezes for a second, tells him there is something there. She reverts back to normal, shaking off the look of panic as if it was never there.
“No big reason.” She lies through her teeth waving flippantly in the air. “In a bit of a squabble with a coworker. Easier to avoid the office when I can.”
Regulus considers this, perhaps there is some truth in it. Even if not entirely. He’ll find out what it is the next time he’s there. It will be easy enough to observe the dynamics and figure out who she is in a tiff with. If that’s even true at all. Or he can pick out who the office gossip is and pry it out of them.
“If you say. I’ve got to head out, just send over anything else you need.”
“Bye Regulus. Tell James I say hello.” She teases.
He could have stayed for longer, he just was getting anxious. It’s easy for him to fall back into that feeling the closer the release gets. Any time he’s working on anything for it really. Which he knows is ridiculous. Regulus does his best to manage it, mostly by getting out of the situation. He still has an hour or two until James is going to get home, but being there is easier.
For a few weeks now he’s been staying at James’ more frequently. Well, they switch places sometimes, but both him and Icarus have now been there for three weeks. It started on a day he needed to get out and away from anything that could remind him of the past. Now he’s stayed and only goes home when he needs to get anything. It’s annoying because James keeps extra treats that Icarus seems to love at his place, so the cat will happily spend days on end there and jumping into his lap more. To the point where when he tries to take him back to their actual place, the cat puts up a fight.
Being there and being with James most of the time helps to calm him. He can snap out of the anxiety before it overwhelms him. Or talk his way out of it, because often it is entirely unnecessary. Like how there is no reason for him to be panicking more about this book release than any of the others. No one besides his friends know it's about him, to any of the readers he’s just a character in that story. If people don’t like him as a character that’s within their right.
With each book he goes through stages once it’s released. A month out and Regulus is now preparing for what is inevitably going to happen. First it’s the border line throwing out all devices. Turning off the internet, barely if at all opening texts. A total disconnect helps to manage the craving of looking at reviews. He’s even considering going away for that this year, asking James to take off work and go with him for a week or two.
He’s getting ahead of himself with that, but it’s a possibility this time around. His friends know from the past releases, mostly last year, that he will be unreachable for a time. After that comes the very very brief period of pretending everything is normal and nothing has changed. This lasts no more than a day.
At that point, he caves and turns his study into what a stalker’s hideout or a police murder board likely looks like. Multiple computers open to different sites. Some to check what people are saying online in posts and videos, some monitoring what official reviews say, some looking at sales and those ratings. Evan is there for this entire stage always. He’s doing whatever it is he does to track and ensure no one in the Black family finds or attempts to purchase the book. He’s the only one who doesn’t look at him like he’s crazy while doing this.
Once that is all over, he finds his way back to normal. He responds to messages, he only reads the reviews that his team sends him or he comes across organically. He leaves the stalker-hacking work to Evan and trusts that everything will be okay. All in all it takes a month or maybe a little more to process a book release. So with only a month left on this side of it, he needs to prepare mentally.
He stumbles upon a cafe that he’s sure James has taken him to before, or the name looks familiar from a cup he’s been brought before. With a bit of time to kill, it wouldn’t hurt to get coffee. Someone would absolutely disagree with him on that, Pandora would tell him to get tea instead if he plans on sleeping tonight. Between the caffeine and the anxiety, sleep has been worse than ever. James (and Icarus) make it easier to at least fall back asleep in the middle of the night. Walking through the door as it chimes, he checks the time and figures he could get something for James too and it would still be warm enough when he gets home.
Instantly he regrets walking through the door. He should have kept walking. He should have gone straight home. Maybe he shouldn’t have left the house at all today.
His stomach drops and tears threaten to prick at his eyes. It’s an involuntary response. Just like the bile rising in his throat and the ringing that starts in his ears. Oh God he feels like he’s going to throw up.
Before the door even swings shut, he’s back outside. The chill in the air settles the nausea, though everything else remains heightened.
Regulus is gasping for breath, not finding any air for his lungs.
He was in the cafe. How is he there?
Just sitting there. His eyes were down, they didn’t meet. What would he have done if they did? He was, is, sitting there hair draped and blocking half of his face from view. Tattoos peeking out from under his shirt. A frown partially visible. A crease in his brow. He’s just sitting there.
He heaves each breath and leans on the outside of the building until he feels like he can stand up again. What the fuck is his brother doing here? Regulus has been to this cafe before. He can’t ever come back again.
No no no. No no no no no no. No . It echoes through his head. No no no. Something is wrong about this. They’re not supposed to see each other again. It ruins everything if they see each other again. It changes everything. It makes it all different. He can’t ignore him in his head any more. Not when he knows that he’s right here, right under his nose. And doing perfectly okay. He’s right there and he can’t do anything about it.
It’s complicated and he hates him for it. He’s hurt him more than anyone else ever has. But only because he’s loved him more than anyone else has. Why is he just sitting there drinking a coffee? What right does he have to do that? Where Regulus could just run into him on a random day like today.
Except, there’s the fact that Regulus barely resembles who he was the last time they saw each other. He might not even recognize him. Though he did once help Regulus cut his hair short, before knowing why. Sirius was there to help with anything, whatever he needed, at any hour of the day. Until he wasn’t.
So the question is really, if he walked back in there right now what would happen?
Would he recognize him, because there’s something that tethers them together, or would he look right through him as if he’s no one? Would he leap up to embrace him or would he run the other way? History points to the latter, which gives Regulus zero confidence.
He can’t go back in. He can’t see Sirius again. It could only end in flames. Sirius is in there, just out of reach, he can’t bring himself to chase after him. To run in like he would have ten or more years ago. He just can’t. Not when the outcome is uncertain.
Regulus moves to sit on the sidewalk. Up against the building. He really should just get home, considering his brother could just walk out any minute. Though he wouldn’t notice him. He wouldn’t see his brother sitting there. He would go on with his day, with his life, as if nothing is different. It’s okay though, he just needs to sit here for a moment. Fully catch his breath. Then he’ll go and push this to the depths of his memory with everything else.
Maybe he’ll hold off on that, he thinks honestly. Just for a little while. Enough to engrave what Sirius looks like now into his mind. He’s not changed too much, but he’s grown into himself. To Regulus he has always been sure of himself and everything a little kid would look up to, even only a year and a bit older. Now though, he knows better than that, yet Sirius still seems the same. He carries himself better than most could after everything in his life. He hates that that was possible only without him.
Eventually he peels himself off the ground, grateful to not see his brother again, and makes his way to James’. By now he’s not nearly as early as he would have been, he had to catch his breath for quite a while. But James still isn’t due to get home for a bit. Perfectly fine by him, he’s in no rush. Maybe he’ll even be able to compose himself enough to not need to explain what happened. They aren’t doing much tonight, most likely a chill night in. Laying on the sofa with Icarus.
Who, by the way, is incredibly happy to see him walk through the door. Instantly weaving between his legs and purring the whole time. He leans down to scratch his head before scooping him up and going to the bedroom to change. Regulus digs through and finds a jumper he likes and finds a pair of joggers to slip on. The former belongs to James, while the bottoms are his own so that they actually fit right.
He wanders through the flat aimlessly, feeling much calmer than before. When his boyfriend gets home it will be even better. The day still leaves him shaken though. It’s hard to just ignore it. A good enough solution for now is tea, which he goes right for putting the kettle on as soon as the thought appears.
The selection of tea here is much more sparse than at his own place, which is frustrating. There’s never a shortage of chai here, however there is a lack of good earl grey or any kind of green tea. He puts the kettle on and digs through the selection that’s available, opting for his favourite of the chai. Which he does genuinely enjoy, just not when he is in the mood for one of his own teas. This will do for now. Mostly because he didn’t get to get the coffee he wanted earlier.
That thought creeps back in, elevating his heart rate again. It won’t go away. He barely even got a good look at his face. Not enough to know the things that are different from the last time he saw him. Sirius has tattoos now, but he couldn’t make out more than that. He couldn’t even see if his hair is longer than it used to be. It probably is, he couldn’t keep it very long because of Mother. It would only make sense that he’s grown into who he always wanted to be.
Regulus should be happy for him, he’s done the same thing. It’s just hard to be happy for him when getting all that was at the expense of him.
He was never factored into the life Sirius built for himself.
The spiral starts there. He knows his own mind well enough to know that this thread is never a good one to follow. It doesn’t lead to anything positive. He’s usually powerless to stop it though. It takes outside intervention to get him off of that trail. Because he can’t help it. He loves his brother just as much as he hates him, so of course he wants to think about him.
His brother left him, his brother didn’t see a future with him in it. Which is funny when you think about it. Regulus didn’t see a future with himself in it either for a time. The two have more in common than they like to admit really.
Something brushes against his leg pulling his focus. Oh right, Icarus. There are times he forgets he has a cat now, but it’s never unwelcome. He’s happy for the reason to distract his mind. He leans down to scratch the top of his head again, which he easily purrs into. A rather simple cat. Just wants a bit of attention but is happy to sit on opposite sides of the sofa most of the time.
Just as he stands the kettle whistles. And the door knocks. Rather, there’s a knock at the door. Regulus usually isn’t one to open the door for anyone. At his place, anyone he cares to see can let themselves in. Anyone else, should leave. Here though, he doesn’t know who would be here or who has or doesn’t have a key.
His phone is across the room, but maybe James texted him to let him know someone was coming. Maybe he ordered food for them so that it would be here by the time he arrives. There’s quite a few explanations that all lead back to James. He trusts James, so he goes to the door before pouring the water into the mug. It’ll still be hot when he gets back to it.
“Hello?” He opens the door to a man he doesn’t know. Something about him seems a tad familiar, but not enough to actually spark any recognition.
“Oh, apologies. I was looking for James…” He fidgets as he talks.
“Who are you?” The words come out pointed, accusatory, though not intentionally so. “No matter, he should be home soon.”
“Alright, that’s fine. I’m his friend from uni by the way. Remus. And who–”
“Oh, yes he’s mentioned you. I guess it would be alright if you waited for him in the flat.” He offers, with all intent to grab his tea and leave Remus behind in the kitchen.
“You’re his boyfriend, aren’t you? Oh of course you are.. Regulus right? Oh you look… And you’re…” He starts mumbling and rambling on to himself, saying nothing coherent, but seemingly all about him and with shock plastered on his face.
He hates it.
Instantly there is a pit back in his stomach, and really it’s his own fault for not recognizing the gut feeling. He should know when something feels this brand of wrong. Only one thing can cause this feeling. Family .
Stupidly he responds. “Yes, I’m Regulus. James’ boyfriend.”
“James’ boyfriend…. And Sirius’ brother.”
The ringing comes back. His vision goes next.
His hand folds into a fist and his nails dig into his palm. Almost enough to draw blood, just enough to keep him from toppling over and passing out.
“Oh God. Fuck I shouldn’t have– Sirius is my boyfriend, he– Your brother… James gave him… and he read– He just ca–” Only half of what he says reaches him.
Out of the two things he can do when the few words he does hear process through his brain. Run or throw up. He chooses to run, exactly as he is, not grabbing anything first. The sachet of tea he was holding falls to the ground. His feet hit the ground hard going through the building and down the stairs all the way outside.
It’s only as he touches the pavement that he realises he doesn’t have any shoes. He runs anyway. He can’t turn back. He doesn’t know what direction he heads in. Just away. Away from here, away from everything and everyone. There’s nowhere for him to go, not really. He can’t think of anywhere. He was the one who stayed, he wasn’t the runner.
Yet running is the only thing he does now. Like an instinct. What else was he meant to do?
The sun is already down even if it’s only just the end of the afternoon. The area is full of street lights, so running isn’t hard. He just goes. Wherever he has the right of way and can go without stopping. Maybe he goes in circles at times or maybe he’s towns and lifetimes away from London already. He can’t see the time pass now that the sun is set. He doesn’t dare look up at the stars to see now.
He runs until he’s out of breath. Then he runs a little while longer. He runs until his legs give out and can barely carry him at a snail’s pace. He runs until it simply feels like the tide washing him ashore.
He lands on the shoreline of a past life. Sitting on a bench staring down his old home.
Regulus inhales deeply and holds it as he stands. He lets it go as he hesitantly sits on the step. One he has passed through many times, but not for years now. No one appears to be home, which is a good thing. He wouldn’t be welcome here and he would much prefer not seeing anyone. His Mother wouldn’t be happy to see him. She might not even recognise him though.
Still, he sits. His legs and his feet ache. His heart aches and his mind aches. His world is shattered.
Somehow being here at Grimmauld Place it’s easier to think about him. The house bears some of the weight. The things he said piece together in his mind. Not perfectly, there’s not enough for it to be exact. He gathers enough though. Short blanks to fill in rather than whole sentences. Half a thought is enough to gather the full meaning.
Oh God. Not exactly the best response to who he is. Regulus will remember that. He doesn’t quite like this ‘Remus’.
Fuck I shouldn’t have– Mm perhaps he shouldn’t have. At least he knows when he’s wrong.
Sirius is my boyfriend, That’s, honestly the most irrelevant of the nonsensical string of words
He– Sirius. Sirius. Sirius. Sirius.
Your brother… Established. Move on.
James gave him… He hates what the end of this sentence would be, but it can only mean one thing. Maybe it’s nothing…
and he read– It’s not nothing. It’s everything .
He just ca– Hard to tell, but he can deduce that it’s a rather new revelation.
So that’s it. Everything ends there. Sirius has read the books. Sirius has read the books that he was given by James. He doesn’t even know how or when that happened, or why. It just doesn’t make any sense. What could drive James to do that? What reason does he have to share Regulus’ books with anyone?
More and more realisations hit. One after the other, not giving him a break.
James knows his brother. He knows him and he’s met him. That’s not meant to have happened. James shouldn’t know his brother. He shouldn't have any reason to. He can’t know Sirius. Because if he does he should hate him for what he did, he shouldn’t be friends with him. He shouldn’t give over the books that Sirius was never meant to read. Yet James knows Sirius. He knows him and he doesn’t hate him. How could he do that to Regulus?
Nothing makes sense anymore. How could it? The near impossible is coming true. It’s too much to piece together. Too many things had to go exactly a certain way over so many years for this to even happen. Regulus did all that he could to prevent it and still…
His past bangs on the door behind him. He almost turns around, almost reaches for the handle to open it. To let the past grab hold of him and pull him back inside. This house knows him, he’s wound in the fabric of the house, of the family, and the same is true in reverse. All it would take is extending a hand. Then he would be pulled back and maybe this would all be enough to salvage something. The past Regulus who was hardly even Regulus yet would be over the moon, elated, leaping out of his seat at the fact that his brother knows and his brother is here and just within reach once again.
Those years he spent trapped in this house until he was old enough to leave without a fight. When he left one day and never looked back. He took all that he could, only the things that mattered, and hasn’t stepped foot in Grimmauld Place since then. This right now is the closest he’s come. Just outside, just out of reach. But the Regulus still stuck in his room on the second floor hiding from the wrath that awaited him, the expectations that were forced upon the one member of the family who never should have had them, he would want this. He would want this opening to find Sirius and talk to him again.
Though the Regulus of today, that’s a different story. This one, well he’s tired more than anything. The youngest of five in a generation, suddenly had to be the only one to hold the legacy up for a family who cared too much about that. When really they should have put more care into the family over the name of it. He crumbled under it, he wasn’t made for that. He tried for a moment, it just was too much.
Now look where that got all of them. Separated, torn apart. Unable to properly find each other and come back.
He feels the banging behind him again. It travels from the door to his chest and before it can over take him, he’s standing again and his feet take control. The ground is cold and rough beneath him, but he can’t think about that. There’s nothing to do about it now. The slowly increasing numbness distracts his mind. It stops him from getting too lost in thought, in dread, as he moves.
It also seems to thrust him into autopilot. Not choosing where to run, just going. When he stops he recognises the spot immediately. Under a bridge along the canal. The closest escape they had as kids from home. Sirius brought him here, it was theirs. One of multiple spots they shared. Of course this is where he fled to now. It’s only fitting. If his mind is stuck on Sirius, he’s going to go where he can feel the ghost of him. The ghost of the Sirius that loved him.
At least here he can truly catch his breath. He can attempt to calm down and get himself out of flight mode. He’s going to be seconds away from slipping back into a panic for a while, but that’s just the reality. Nothing and no one could change that now. It’s just how it is. There’s nothing he can even do. He can’t turn back time to stop Sirius from reading the books and he can’t turn back time to stop James from giving them to him.
If he could turn back time, it would go further than either of those times. He would turn it all the way back to before Sirius left. Change that. Perhaps even further, to stop Andromeda from being the first to leave. The first to change everything. That’s what he would change if he could, he would keep everyone close to him before he lost it all.
He can’t though. It’s not possible. He’s stuck here.
Stuck in a world, in a life, where his boyfriend did one thing he can’t excuse, and now what? Where does he go from here? Maybe Regulus will just live right here on the canal forever. Until he fades away and out of existence. Or at least until he figures something else out. It’s just more complicated now. He can’t…. Anything. Everything.
There’s nothing that makes sense and nothing that he can do to fix that. It’s all over. Sirius has read his words, he’s assuming he’s read all of it. He knows about the last one too, of course James would have said something about it. There’s no hiding from him, but there’s no telling what he will do or what his feelings on this are. He could have been the one to go and find him, but it was his boyfriend instead. His brother probably didn’t want to, he read his words and had enough. No reason to dig up old scars even more than have already been picked at with the books.
That’s a lost cause. He can’t harp on it, he and Sirius have been dead and gone for so long. The hate stays for nearly every day of the year to overshadow the love that only peeks through when he lets it. He can live with that and he can handle the fact that one day it will turn into indifference. That’s just how it goes. They didn’t just grow apart, they severed their tether. Unable to be reattached. A permanent break.
That’s perfectly fine. Regulus doesn’t care now that his heart has settled to a slower pace.
It’s James that he can’t wrap his head around. When did he meet him, and how did he not know? Or did he know and simply not care? That’s unforgivable. He will not accept that to be true, and if it is then James is dead to him. Can he live with that? A knot twists in his stomach bringing the nausea back up. His eyes are heavy and his head pounds against his skull as his vision blurs looking across the water. He’s good at making sense of things, he’s the most logical thinker he knows. But this? It’s all fucked.
This was never meant to happen. He safe guarded against this. He did everything he could. More than that though, he built up his walls. Ever since Sirius left, before then too, he has been ensuring his defences are always up. That no one he doesn't want to enter, stays out. It was something his brother taught him to do. It was a way to survive and it worked for so long. He did survive.
Until he lowered his guard. He let James in. He didn’t know he had to protect himself with him. Against him. Regulus never should have let him in. It only led to everything crashing around him. He’s always been right. Right to keep everyone at a distance, to not get attached. It’s a shame that the one time he deviated from what he knows is right, he got hurt. He won’t make that mistake again.
The first thing to come back when the adrenaline and panic subside is the cold. It’s freezing and his feet are numb on the cold ground. But now he can feel it, he can’t ignore it. He’s stuck with it and has no where to put that feeling. Nothing to distract himself with. If he thinks about his brother or James for even a minute longer he’ll jump in the water and hope it carries him down to the Thames and deposits him in the sea.
Since he doesn’t do that, there’s only one thing left to do. It’s only a matter of time before Sirius somehow thinks to look here and stumbles upon him. If he’s even looking. He better leave before that happens. Though even thinking that he would be looking, or that he would remember this place they had, it’s a slim chance. Unlikely at best. Sirius ran from him and their past, Regulus has never let it go.
Getting home is difficult. Nearly impossible to move at the pace he wants to. Even then he’s crawling back to his place. It’s not close either, why would it be? It hurts too much being near Grimmauld Place; he could never live this side of the city. He pushes through and doesn’t let himself stop again until he is safely inside. Then he can collapse. Then he can fall apart.
It takes ages. He’s been out all night. The sun is starting to rise, the stars are almost completely gone from view. The last of the darkness slips below the horizon just as he walks through the door. Dropping to the ground once the door is shut behind him.
Not even one full breath passes through him before his attention is yanked up.
“Thank fuck. We had no idea how to find you.” Barty sighs.
“We’ve been worried Reg, come on let’s get up. We’ve got you now.” Evan reaches out a hand, he takes it without a word.
Do they know? Surely they do. A better question would be did they know. Before. He would find the strength and energy to run again if they did. As much as whether he will ever trust James again or see him for that matter is up in the air, these two he could never forgive for that. Not when they know it all, not when they have been by his side through it. There’s no way they knew.
That’s why he lets them animate his body. He lets them drag him around and force him to care for himself. They change him into different clothes. Ones that haven’t been on the streets for hours. All of this after they shower him off. It’s all a blur. Faintly he notices as they shove him under the shower head and help him get clean.
It feels like each time he blinks he ends up in a new spot, going through the motions of something else. Shower, change, drink water, lie down. Doing it all isn’t hard. It sounds like it would be. To move like a corpse while doing it all. Somehow it’s easier. He’s not thinking about it and it all just seems to happen. It’s a haze in his mind, but he’s still grounded. One of Regulus’ friends has a hand on him at all times.
Normally he would hate that, the constant lingering touch. Right now it’s the only thing keeping him from slipping so far out of reach that he may never return. Even then…
Around him they keep talking. He doesn’t listen. Intentionally or not. It just happens. Most of the time they talk to each other like Regulus isn’t there, so might as well continue that. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to be anywhere, he’d prefer to not exist at the moment. If you can even call what he’s doing right now existing. Either way, even this is too much and he’s not doing a damn thing.
The sounds he hears are not their voices. Some mumbling in his ears might be coming from Barty or Evan, but he does hear other things. The rushing of the water in the shower, the foot tapping anxiously, cabinets opening and shutting, the fingers against a phone texting. Static filling his brain.
All until his head hits the pillow. The last remaining hand pulls away from him and at first all he hears his silence. He misses the static. It was comforting. It drowned everything else out. The silence intensifies, it gets louder. Crisper.
A click of the door shatters the quiet, but still the static is missing.
Then it’s voices that break through. Still no static. “You know we have to.”
“We don’t have to do shit Rosier. Fuck him. He was your friend, not mine.”
“Do you want to be the one to deal with the fall out if we don’t call him?”
Regulus knows he’s not meant to be part of this, he shouldn’t hear it. It’s the only thing keeping his thoughts at bay though.
“Fine, but you’re talking to him. I’ll kill him if I do.”
“Through the phone?”
“Yes.”
Knowing his friends as well as he does he could know exactly what their faces look like and how they are shoving each other around. Or the subtle movements on the other side of the door. He doesn’t have to hear the phone ringing to know that’s what comes next.
He can't see any of it and he can only hear their voices. Trying to catch any more is more effort than he has in him.
“He’s home, we’re with him.”
…
“Yes, me and Barty. No– no… You c–”
…
“It’s not time. Give him space. We’ve always had him, we can handle this.”
…
“No. I’m not fucking around James. Stay away. If you want him to be okay, stay the fuck away.”
…
Regulus winces, his heart still isn’t sure how to turn back from him.
“If– When he’s ready I’ll tell you. Just–”
He stops listening. Even without any static, he shuts it off. Not asleep, but not totally awake either. For now Regulus is as gone as he can be without slipping all the way away.
When he comes to again, there’s no telling how long it’s been. The curtains are shut and a blanket is over him. A glass of water sits on the nightstand. Icarus brushes past him, just lightly making his skin prick. His head is pounding. As he usually does when he wakes up, he swings his feet over the edge and gets up. Slower than usual, but he’s up. Regulus takes his time and stops to bend down and scratch the cat’s head.
But his cat wasn’t here before. He doesn’t know when he got back.
That one realisation, so small, broke down the dam. The last night, or whenever it was, rushes through his mind.
The books. Sirius. Remus. Running. James.
His lungs deflate all over again and he falls.
A week later and he is still going through the motions again and again. Seven days in a row. Wake up, forget, remember, crack. It’s a routine at this point. His friends have come to expect it. They don’t wait for him to speak. They don’t know what does it each time. It’s something different. First Icarus, then a book on the nightstand, James’ spare glasses, stars in the sky.
An hour or so after he’s picked up and dusted off, he tries the best he can. Not talking, but he eats a little and drinks a little. He sustains himself even if it doesn’t feel like he wants to. This could go on for a while. There isn’t an off switch to any of it.
It’s been a few hours since he went through it all today. He sits on the sofa in his study staring ahead. His mind wanders and his eyes glaze over. Why has no one come? James was told to stay away but why has no one else come? Sirius could find him now, why hasn’t he come?
Why hasn’t he come back, he was always supposed to come back for him. He needs his big brother, but he’ll kill him if he sees him again.